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I'm at the beach and that lady, right? by those crows, hind me right there. That lady there, she's completely white hair, gray hair, she must be 65 or 70, at least. And she's just got her little body surfing board or whatever they're called. And she's just playing in the waves. And it's just one of the most enlightening things to watch. There she goes, again, to catch another wave right there. I did take a video, I might include it. I don't like to include videos of people. But this is just a beautiful example of play and being in nature. And there she is. So she just dove in. And then she gets back up. Well, the wave kind of crashes against her. She's still just going, she says, Oh, she knows these waves. Well, there's a woman over there. white hair. She's just out in waves and watch what she does. I want to do that. I'm here at the beach today, because I only have two more weeks after this to just play and have fun. So I'm going to focus more on that. 

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Because I'm seeing a few things. And I'm not sure if they're true, but I'm seeing that hitting the ceiling, or really getting to the edge of beyond one's previous perceptions, really, pushing the boundaries of what has been perceptible to this particular individual can cause one to really bottom out. And it's happened to me numerous times before, and the bottoming out is usually some kind of crisis and that energetic, scary feeling in my heart. So yesterday, I was tired, I took a nap. And today, I was tired, too. And I was trying to nap and I was laying down and my brain was sort of active still, but I was partly asleep, and my brain really saw that we are the world or as Krishnamurti says, I am the world and the world is me. And my body got just a tiny bit freaked out like, ah, like, what do I do with that? What do I do with seeing that, because the brain is used to operating based on I am the ego, and the ego is me. So there's a little bit of fear, because how does one operate in this world based on one mode of operation and, and then start to see this other mode, and that mode gets warped into something that is not really what it is. And I've had a lot of insights into that today. And I don't know, if I really want to go into them. I've also had an insight into how this is sort of like sea sickness. But instead of SCA s E. Not that it's a sickness, I just thought using the word seasickness is kind of funny, because one is almost made ill by how much one can see. And I'm not talking about ill in terms of mental illness, but it's just difficult to know how to navigate when one feels like they see a lot more than what we're conditioned to see. So in saying that, I feel like I've been talking about embodying versus just having dialogue, which is sort of more of a mental activity. And going from seeing to being so a lot of my energy going through my brain is diverted to perception and actually seeing into things and seeing more and unfolding things and then talking about it, and I've sort of made myself not one dimensional, but that is the main way that this other energy is being utilized to perceive. But if I could see that, maybe I've seen enough. And I think that's what happens sometimes when I hit the ceiling is I've seen enough and the brain sort of reacts by retracting back down to quite a low level of consciousness, which happens in a way because what one sees when one sees too much can be scary, it can really show the brain how all of this works. 

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Today marks the one year mark of talking to myself in self dialog, yay, celebrate. And I didn't even call it self dialog when I started self dialog, I just started talking to myself. And I feel like this next year could be about self embodiment. And not just self dialogue, though, through self dialogue, I was able to embody certain things, getting to California coming off medications, and I feel this will be more of an embodiment, because that energy will perhaps create a certain embodiment that's different from embodying someone attempting to get out of this forced embodiment of being in that other paradigm, I don't even want to say the words anymore. You know what I'm talking about. So the self embodiment includes self dialogue, but it's a little bit of something more. And it could be something more because the energy can move freely through this body and express itself. So the expression will be different when it's no longer expressing through those things that I was taking. And so it's a completely different expression could be something totally new. And when I was in my first map consciousness, state of multi dimensional intelligence and getting the download and the blueprint of my life, I connected with different things that didn't include the journey that I was then thrust into after. So I'm wondering if this will sort of put me back on that trajectory of over six years ago. And it's still the same trajectory, but it's different. And things aren't linear anyway. So it's just about a different level of consciousness. And through time, even going through that old paradigm that I was a part of, it's still helped me slowly to embody this, especially through this process of self dialogue this last year. So I really don't know what I'm going to talk about this year, or speak as speak as this energy that's not impeded by chemicals. I've talked about healing and altruism and lifestyle design. And I really don't know what it's going to be about. Because with how I was talking to myself, before I wanted my life to be about coming off those chemicals, and, and going to California. 

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I'm making a really quick video because I'm about to go out. But I don't know if I will have time the rest of the day. And I want to at least say some of us today, because it's the 18th. And then Tomorrow's the 19th, which are my last two days to really talk about mental health. And I still will, because I feel like things have become more embodied this last week ish. So to me that definitely goes first compared to just talking to myself and making words with myself. And I just finished watching the fly whisperer clip. And I didn't put any commentary in there, because I'm actually talking in nature and talking to the flies, and the commentary is already in there. And it's interesting that I say, I wouldn't hurt a fly yet. After that experience with the flies A month later, I was diagnosed with bipolar, which kind of pins one into a category of potentially dangerous, and I still feel now that I wouldn't hurt a fly, I shared a video of a fly drinking out of my eye. And that's pretty weird and crazy. But that's kind of what I am, I am definitely a crazy person, I don't think I'm a mentally ill person. But I'm a crazy person. And when the flies kept flying in my head, it felt like perhaps in that state, the light in my eyes was just as strong as the light of the sun or different things. And they also flew at the camera of the phone. So it has something to do with this witnessing and this and this light, something or other. And interestingly enough, while I was watching the fly video, there was a fly on my thumb while I was walking along watching it. And then it was sitting on my phone. And then I was looking at it. And just at that moment, a hummingbird flew right in front of me like right there. And it hovered there. And I looked at it with astonishment and awe. And I put my finger out like this for him to land. And when I did, he didn't immediately fly away. But he didn't land either, unfortunately, but he stayed there. And then he flew away. And I've never had one that close to me. And so obviously fly right up to me. And I found it interesting that I was watching the video I made six years ago that at the time, right after watching it, I felt like there was some power to order like I was just in this powerful state where people and animals sort of get along and there's a different communication going on. Apart from the regular dialogue of Oh, that's a gross housefly, let's kill it. It was something completely different.

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I have about half an hour until my bus comes, I could go all the way the end of the trail, but then I would probably miss the bus. So I stopped here. And so yeah, I'll do a bit of a video. I called hardy nutritionals today and told them about the anxiety I was having over the weekend. And they said, that's pretty normal. And they said, I could take more of the vitamin C. So today, I'm planning on taking three, at least, and I could go up more, it's kind of expensive. But they said it's only temporary, so maybe for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. So to me that's worth it. And then they told me to read this document they have on their website about things that can limit the process. And I read through it. And the stuff that can apply to me is that I do like to go rollerblading. And I was planning to start that sprinting a few times a week thing. But exercise can actually speed up the detox process and give more stuff side effects of coming off the meds. So I still chose to go rollerblading today, because it's sort of a Goldilocks day, just right for rollerblading, not too hot. And it's actually going to get really hot here in the next few days. And not too cold. And it was actually kind of cold and rainy over the weekend. So I wanted to take this opportunity. But I did sort of just stroll more, I didn't really skate too much a lot of its downhill. So I just sort of coasted and enjoyed myself. And I noticed that I didn't have any of that anxiety feeling. So that feeling could also be from sitting in front of the computer too much. I probably spent eight hours a day on the weekend in front of the screen between editing and making videos. And it felt good to get that all done. But I'm noticing that being indoors might not be good. And they said getting too much sun can be something that makes a person have more withdrawal effects, because of how it speeds up the detox process by heating up your body. And who knows maybe all that vitamin D goes into action trying to detox things as well. So I did spend a few hours in the sun on Friday. And I think I did the Sprint's that morning, and then I was in front of a screen. And so that could have all contributed to filling some of that anxiety. So I think the vitamin C, they also said drink more water and I could definitely drink more water, the water here in California is kind of gross compared to where I'm from. So yeah. And another thing that was in that document was menstrual cycle. And I was talking to myself about how I could really feel my PMS this last time now that I'm off the meds and it kind of coincided with the exact same time I stopped taking the meds. So I'm going to ask them about that next time I talked to them because it says take an extra dose of four vitamins for a week before or something. So I'm going to ask them for clarification about that, because I could probably use that. And they have another product, which is greens and probiotics, which I might ask them about. And also inositol, which they said is good for anxiety in that document. So I'm going to ask about that. If I'm going to be on hardy nutritional stuff, I may as well keep to their products and go all out with their products. Well, I'm deciding to do that not really muck around, not really say oh, well, I don't really have money for that I don't really need it, just try and make this process as smooth as possible. And that document I read said, people can have withdrawal effects for months or even a couple of years after coming off. So I think I need to keep that in mind and really reframe anything that I experience as a withdrawal effect and not a symptom of mental illness. 

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I've had a note to myself about the law of least action in the mix of things for a while. And I first heard about that in a talk by Peter Russell, not Russell Peters, but Peter Russell, who I believe is some kind of physicist, and he studied consciousness. And his talk called the primacy of consciousness, which you can watch on SPR word calm, is really good. And he talks about the law of least action. And I don't remember what that is exactly. But I just saw now that in an extrapolation to mental health, it seems like the law of least action has something to do with ending one's life. So it takes the least amount of action to just end one's life and to not have to act ever again, not have to do anything ever again, and to take the fastest action, the least action to end the suffering. And so I feel like getting caught in that program to end one's life sometimes is a law of least action. And how can one not be caught in those memes that makes one feel like one needs to act that out and, and end this existence? And, and could there be another least action, which is when one can perceive something and understand it, and create more information and energy, so much more energy, to the powers of 10 more energy, when one can really perceive and understand something consciousness can access, so when then has a lot of energy. And so one can do a lot with that energy. So then one wouldn't fall into that vortex of the law of least action of consciousness, which might end the conscious existence of a particular organism. I don't know if that makes any sense, or if it matters, but I just saw that now. I feel like I should stop talking. But I'm going to keep going for a while. Maybe I'll just read. Work is force times mass times distance, the force is the energy of thought, or the energy of the infinity of the moment. The force of the moment, the moment is when we meet the moment and say, instead of having an immediate answer of words intersecting the moment, it feels like bipolar, when the process is still being processed by the ego, or within the ego framework of right wrong, good, bad, reward punishment. And the past. When we dis identify from that, it becomes a choiceless richness, we're overlaying the choice of good and bad over it. the right values can emerge instead of what are conditioned programs call right and wrong. All this takes attention. If we aren't attending, the ego will classify it with its binary code. choice. lessness is a quantum code that decodes the unknown possibilities, and is really about seeing the subtle words make things manifest, they make things things. 

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I have a lot to talk about with myself. And I'm feeling some anxiety. And it's been a week since I took any psych meds. And so yay, one week celebration. And last night, I had a bit of this feeling in my heart, which could be called anxiety. But it really feels like now that I'm off the meds, and I'm sort of out of this mental patient paradigm, just a little baby step outside of it really. I can feel energies coming back from before I wasn't relabeled and diagnosed over six years ago. So it's as if taking the meds and being defined as a mental patient, shifted my focus to that and, and being on the meds and being in that paradigm sort of made me forget about a lot of my problems. And so now that I've sort of gone through that main problem of getting outside the mental health paradigm, it feels like these energies are coming back and saying, Oh, yeah, remember all these problems that you had before you had this even bear problem of having a label and being given meds, which the meds do translate a lot of the other old problems into just symptoms of mental illness. And I feel like a lot of those problems actually, before being labeled get translated into sort of behaviors or so called symptoms, which lead one to get diagnosed with a mental illness, which then leads one to begin medications, which sort of gets rid of the symptoms, but it also gets rid of the problems that were leading to the symptoms by dragging the symptoms. So I'm seeing this mechanism. And I'm hoping that I can stay ahead of it. Because I can feel that there's going to be things that I really have to deal with. And if I can't deal with them, I might end up having to take a pill. So I have my coherence breathing as something I could do if this. This feeling in my heart doesn't subside. 

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I had a dream that I was talking quite sternly with the psychiatrist who overmedicated me last April. I remember that I don't really remember what I was saying. But I might have had some pretty strong words. And I don't remember that I was being rude, I was just quite upset with the way I was treated. And along those same lines, in a way, this webinar was about the antidote to a lot of this. A lot of what I've talked about with myself and self dialogue in terms of the system, and troubles and problems in the system, would largely be eliminated. If what they were talking about in this webinar was implemented on a wide scale. The trouble is, it's implemented on a very, very tiny scale in the United States. And they were talking about it. And without further ado, the webinar was on self directed funding in mental health, and they already have it in some other health care sectors in the United States. 1.1 million people are using self directed funding, meaning there's a certain amount of funding one would get, if one had a certain struggle or a diagnosis or, or what have you, and then the person with the help of a broker can create a plan and, and put funding towards what one would like to participate with in terms of how they're going to get better. And that could be almost anything. And they didn't talk too much about examples of what that might look like. But they did in the webinar. It's a Mental Health Commission of Canada webinar, it'll probably be on their website soon. And there is a website called self directed mental health.org. 

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Last night, I had a really good sleep, I started to feel kind of sleepy and I was laying in bed. And I actually fell asleep shortly after 930. And I took the six amino acid caps, as well as a Benadryl and slept through the whole night, didn't even wake up to go pee. And I slept about 10 hours. And I really needed that sleep after the weekend. So I'm feeling a lot better. And it feels good to have fallen asleep for the first time. Pretty naturally, after being completely off my segments, Saturday night was the first night off, and Sunday was the second. And both those nights were kind of difficult, and I had to take a second Benadryl. And I had a friend here, which made it a little bit more difficult. But back to my usual, cozy routine, and I just took one, Benadryl and fell asleep quite easily. It seems like there's a window of falling asleep between 830 to 1030, that it's good for me to just sort of stay calm and relaxed and ready to go to sleep when I'm ready. So I will be extra careful with that. And I made some notes yesterday after I finished editing my video about new elements to have dialogue about. And one of them is how I've talked myself out of the mental health system. And now I need to perhaps talk myself out of going back into it or talk to myself to stay out of it. So I could get complacent with the dialogue with myself and figure that I can just keep going and not really have to talk to myself now that I'm out of the system. But the thing is that the usual context of mental health is all around me. And the usual context of society that can actually be quite, I don't like the word triggering, but provoking for some of these other elements, because I find that I'm quite sensitive. So if I can at least have some conversation with myself almost every day in a way that it seems that I want to, then that could provide some of the energy to be able to keep my head above the clouds. 

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Today, I feel kind of tired and grumpy. And I was wondering if it's something to do with a second night in a row of taking just 1/8 of my medications. But on second thought, it probably has more to do with PMS. So I think I'm just a little bit early today. And so it wasn't really good timing to watch a webinar put on by the Mental Health Commission of Canada, on social enterprise. And it was called social enterprises, an innovative approach to creating employment opportunities for people with mental illnesses. And they are panel of speakers. And they were people who had social enterprises and employed people with mental illnesses, and other people who run different kinds of enters social enterprises that actually were integrated with clinical services, like reporting to the clinician about things. And I thought that was a bit weird. Again, it's sort of warped into something that is being done to us. I don't know anyway, I think social enterprises are great. And I think it was just more PMS, hearing the way that some of them were talking. One person said, Oh, sometimes we pair a healthy person up with a person with mental illness. Like, what? How can someone judge who's healthy and who's not. And it's just lame to say that, and it really bothered me to hear the way they were talking about people. So it was actually a good reminder for me to remember how people who work in the system or in any kind of framework where they're saying, Oh, these people over here have illnesses, and we over here are healthy. It just really bothers me. And it just rubbed me the wrong way. 

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