So I'm going back to an old notebook. So things are kind of out of order. But that's not what matters. The process is just about giving voice to insights and things that I see not necessarily putting them in logical order, because putting them in logical order doesn't leave much room for the new creative expression that might come through in sharing that bit. But for starters, last night, I reduced the trazadone by one half, so I took one and a half tries known and I'd have a Seroquel, I want to start taking the half Seroquel, but I don't have a pill cutter. So I might have to get one of those or really just try to cut it in half. And I'm still taking the Hardy nutritionals daily. So where I left off in my old notebook was talking about the body is a perceptual apparatus, and it's also a holographic net. So it's sort of clinging on to the images, it's recording, and associating those images with the past. So I wonder if we can be free from the holographic net, and not record with it not try to find new images to associate with all images. And I actually think that this is partially what builds up for people who have a tendency towards map consciousness. And when this recording isn't going on in map consciousness, the mind sort of touches reality instead of reality being touched by the images, and thus not really meeting reality at all. So the mind moves when the images Don't move. And then the mind moves through us and animates us. And none of this is really true. It's just playing with ideas and thoughts and insights. I feel like the old holograms resonate with the new incoming information and only pick out bits that are similar to it. So it blocks new information and only looks for similar information. And maybe the brain sees this as some type of efficiency, because it's calculating whether or not what it's meeting will serve its purposes. But his purposes have been programmed. So we're meeting life with the purpose as ever programs. And so not really meeting it at all. The net of thought is holographic. And the me is this interference pattern that's interfering with all the new information coming towards us. It interferes with life with actual life. And it seems like human beings are caught in this prison and this net of holographic light and sound. And I feel when this process stops the matter of the brain then speaks life life as its met. And our choosing mechanism RS decision mechanism is part of this net, we're choosing with our net and grabbing those bits of reality. And when we think we send out holograms, when can we stop adding to this collective recording that we all share? And I made up a word holograph phonic. So it's sort of this light and sound and as part of the image making process through which we meet life. And it seems like the universe has created a creature that can harmonize with life with his gestures and words or destroy it. We're the only creature that can really choose to be in disharmony in a way. It's like we can pick an avocado and eat it. Or we can just cut down the tree in terms of First there was the word. It seems like that's choice and we can choose to use the word for destruction or harmonizing. And I had this thought that there are lots of other planets that supported life at some point, and the life eventually developed words and language. And then there was the choice to harmonize with the language or to use it for destruction. And if life chose to use it for destruction, it eventually would destroy the very life that created the language. Language evolved from life from living things. And then the language when used to destroy, eventually destroys life itself. So I had this thought that maybe there are a lot of planets that had life, but they destroyed it. And so it's no longer there. And I remember Alan Watts has a video on YouTube describing how he imagined that life could evolve to destroy itself. And then it would, and I can't remember if he said it in his video, or, or if I thought of this, but I don't know, I can't remember if I did. But if we blow ourselves up, for example, DNA would go reeling through the universe, and it would kind of see the planet somewhere with life, eventually, life would be created somewhere else on the suitable planet, then the DNA got to and then might get too many planets, but only one might actually evolve life. So humanity, evolve, evolving, as it does, with language eventually uses the language and the intellect to blow itself up. But then that seeds, other planets with DNA and life. And maybe that's how life spreads throughout the universe, sort of like one planet than the next planet than the next. So there's always another planet. And in terms of questioning the prior assumption, we never question that which makes assumption happen, which is thought, which is language, which is our accumulated information, we accumulate information, and then we can't see life. And life will tell us different information. And I think this whole thought part is key in terms of being able to transform somewhat, because when the energy the increased energy comes in, it amps up whatever's there. So if there's too many thoughts, it's going to have to deal with thoughts from the outside. So dealing with that, plus personal thoughts, or making those extra thoughts personal, and personalizing them, makes it more difficult. And movement is part of communication. And that's along with the epigesturetics. But even the lizards here, they do push ups to communicate with each other. So communication is not just words. And when we're in my consciousness, we're in connection with that total movement of communication. And in a way, when we start to move towards the so called psychosis end of things. It's a movement, and it's a communication of some kind. And I wonder if it's also about needing help, or we need to help each other, when we're in the map conscious state, to stay in that state and not move out of it towards the structures of thought and society that would pathologize us. And meaning is a language, it's a living language. And life itself is the meaning of life. When I was thinking again, how important it is to not be attached to any perceptions, or insights. And that's part of myself, dialogue is not just thinking of a couple of things, writing them in a book and then and then clinging on to them, like there's something special, when none of this is special. And one day, I really hope to be able to face that real terrifying fear and just look at it and be with it. It's sort of like this internal death that happens, but somehow haven't been able to move through it. And we as people who go through map consciousness, we look like we have a disorder when the brain is deconditioning itself, from the order of society's conditioning, to the order of life itself. And I'm reading a book called on our own by Judy Chamberlain. And it was written in the 70s. And I can't believe it because it's so pertinent and relevant today. But she mentioned building up the confidence and self esteem of all the people involved in the work. And we as people who go into my consciousness definitely have work to do to understand the states and also, for the world. We all connected with having a sense that we need to do something to help the world. And Krishna already said I am the world and the world has me. And I feel personally like I connected with that feeling state in the state of so called mania. And one feels completely responsible for the whole world. But then one gets sort of crushed by that because it's hard to do on one's own. So I hope that if I share this one day, that other context, whether it's one thing or 10 things, or no things are not even the things but just the process itself helps to just build a little bit of confidence. or understanding, I don't know what it is. And she's so forward thinking she said, even a person who struggles to successfully maintain his or her own way of thinking, like I've been doing here, can be damaged by this form of psychological assault. So even if somebody goes through a system, and they don't think, Oh, I'm defective, and diseased, it's still damaging, to be told that and to go through the experiences of indoctrination into believing that. And I wrote down that I saw a little tiny fly. And he actually had little wings on his head. And I don't know if they actually flapped, but he was sitting there, with two little wings on his head. And he flies and he flies quite chaotically. But I've never seen a fly with like these extra wing appendages to help with their chaotic flight path. And he was cleaning his wings was really cute. And I started reading my writings from six years ago, before I was diagnosed with anything. And it was interesting, because a lot of it's the same that I talk about now. It's like, I knew certain things, and had certain visions before I was ever diagnosed with anything. And then the diagnosis was like, no, that stuff didn't mean anything. Yet, six years later, I'm getting in touch with that and saying the same things. So it's from that same place that one gets in touch with, and what happens when I speak nature, and infinity, and not thought and limitation. And one thing I wrote six years ago, is that that language is alive and always there. So I had a sense of this other language of this other communication of being in touch with something else that speaks through me. And I feel like map and so called psychosis is an attempt to destroy the old language, even though sometimes it destroys the person. But if one can just deny that kind of language, and move towards the other, and I don't mean just, that sounds like an oversimplification. But part of it is purging this old language from the nervous system. And when that happens, we see how scary and detrimental it is. And it's important to see it and observe it and not get attached to it or run from it just really be with it. Which there's no real paradigm for supporting people through what if more people spoke this language of nothingness. And it seems like all symptoms are seeing or hearing something beyond thought, or hearing something that's kind of off to see the awfulness of it all. And I wrote this blurb here and not just read it for the sake of hearing myself say it. Sound implies movement, like hearing something hit the ground. It was an orange falling out of a tree, one might look to find out or just know from previous experience, thus not feel the need to look. That's what that does. It saying what we know from previous experience. Thus, we think we don't have to look. We think we don't have to pay attention. This is partly adaptive, we learned so we don't have to put our energy of attention on something like a humming noise of a fan. We eventually don't hear it at all. Because our thoughts go on constantly. And we mistake that for reality. We have turned our attention down on reality. Just like if we have a rope and whip it in a circle. It appears as a circle, but it is a line a rope. Our circular thoughts may make it seem like there's someone swinging the rope, thinking the thoughts, I think there could be a perception theory of suppose a mental illness, our perception is changing, kind of like how our eyesight can change over time. And eventually we need glasses, or this change in perception is more radical. And it actually increases our ability to perceive. But we generally don't think about acquiring such abilities partway through life. So what have you seen? And what do you see? So I wonder, why do we no longer smell that the sound of thought is dangerous? The sounds of thought fade into the background, just like the smell that we no longer smell? Because it's determined not to be dangerous? Why does the computer brain make the sensitivity of the brain the sensitivity to life, fade into the background? And I sit here in 98%, nature and 2% human constructs? Why do most of us live in 98% human constructs, and then we wonder why we go crazy. And I remember in my consciousness, feeling like I could steer the whole world with my gestures, my movements, my actions. And at some point, this became scary because it was a huge responsibility. And I felt like I no longer knew what I was doing. I think part of the trouble is in trying to do something, when really we aren't the Dewar in that state at all. And I think that the sound of thought is partly the sluggishness, it's the energy drainer. In my consciousness, our brains work at the speed of light. And I wrote down that power over, creates memes words and sounds for people to believe. Whereas power with relieves people of the believer and puts people in contact with the perceiver. And I was thinking about how science wants to predict stuff. And even our ego wants to predict stuff it wants to predict what to do. And in my consciousness, sometimes we can predict, and prophesize things and see the future, because the mind is a scientific instrument in itself, and it's access the quantum state. But it makes the little predictions of science seem ridiculous in a way, because the brain itself can see way beyond it. So that kind of game is over just by this new capacity of the brain. It's a different order of operation altogether. And in David Baum's book wholeness and the implicit order, he calls the new mode of language he is playing with the real mode, which is a flowing mode of language. And that resonates with me, because I had a lot of language flowing out of me. And it's almost like a map consciousness, one gets in touch with a flowing mode of language, not as trying to create one, but just as one is in that state. There is language and new language and new perceptions flowing out of that person. So perhaps, that kind of state naturally greats that flowing language versus trying to create a flowing language from a state of not being in the flow. And I feel like the way we use language now is Newtonian. And when science is discovering quantum physics, we need a language to match those discoveries to make that come into existence. Because the discovery of it didn't create that it was already there. But in order for us to see that we need to speak in a way that makes it possible. And David Bohm says a few things that are cool in his book wholeness and the implicate order. He said, nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it is approached. And I feel like human nature will respond in accordance with the theory with which it's approached. So if somebody is approached by somebody who's just thinking that they're going to put a mental illness label on somebody, then human nature will respond accordingly. So the way a vulnerable person is approached is very important. And can we approach nature as beauty with beauty. And I feel like the brain is shifting towards beauty. And the mind is unlimited. But the body is limited. And I'm wondering if this is part of the reason why I need to keep a lid on consciousness. And David Bohm said, theories as ways of looking modes of perception, guides to perception. They're not separate substances. Even with self dialogue, I'm sharing so many things that overlap, contradict, add, subtract, yet each one is a way of looking. And I wrote, I seem to be a way of looking that constantly changes. That creates a new insight. And can the brain guide perception to see beauty? Or can perception create beauty in the brain. And these are all different ways of looking at one reality. And that's part of the point of self dialogue is just to look at reality in different ways. Look at experience in different ways, not in terms of right, wrong, good, bad, better, worse. And I wrote, nature is made of a substance called beauty. But we're so busy looking for truth, that we can't see it. And we've turned beauty into pleasure. So we're looking for pleasure instead of looking at beauty in the moment. And what happens when the mind moves faster than the speed of light, then consciousness leaves the body travels. And Boehm also said, The undivided wholeness and flowing movement. To me that sounds somewhat like map consciousness, not just the words, but the actual felt sense of the truth of that. And he talks about the word formative. And I feel like human beings are formative and we can form language and be formative in our communication. And human consciousness has a relative stability and autonomy, which is the body. And he defines formative cause as an ordered and structured inner movement that is essential to what things are. And I feel like map consciousness in a way is a formative cause. It causes new language causes inside it causes reaching out, causes responsibility, action, new gestures. And this energy as it's doing that is changing the DNA. It's changing the muscles, it's changing everything, and it's forming new meaning. It's getting the body to see new meaning. And not claim to those meanings But see, meaning moment to moment, new meaning moment to moment.
Just had a fortuitous event, somebody wants to lend me their car for a week. And I haven't driven in six weeks. One thing though, is being on extra Seroquel, that's not great. So maybe tonight, I will cut it down to half a Seroquel and one and a half trazadone. But now I feel like I need to do some planning of what I can do for the next week with a vehicle. So hopefully I can do some self dialogue, but also some embodied self dialogue and embodied mania. So how would I live for a week in California with a car Stay tuned. So that changes the landscape of things a little bit, as I will be able to further map the landscape around here. And it will be fun to drive because I do like driving. And I haven't in a while. And another thing too is that a bit of my story is going to be in the emerging proud book that is coming out in about six weeks. And it's safe to talk about it because it's not out yet. But it will be by the time I released this. And Katie asked for a two line blurb to the readers for hope and inspiration. And I wrote down our brains are resilient, neuro plastic and quantum with infinite capacity to learn, unfold and create. We've seen and touch possibilities yet to be made manifest. So hold these visions in your heart so that the minds of the many might be touched and see the possible world to. So I have a few notes on my computer. And I'm not planning to sit inside often to be able to read off my computer and talk about it. So I'll get right to it. I made up a word. I was thinking about how dialogue in a way is kind of like improv. But just a conversational improv in a way, whereas improv is more embodied. But I created the word die and prologue, which is a combination of dialogue and improv. And I wonder if that can be brought into embodied mania. So it's not just an improv and just playful, but there's some form of communion and dialogue happening at the same time, I feel it's possible to see people's possible selves. When I was able to look at people and see them light up and become their flamboyant animated version of themselves, their dye improv a log version of themselves. We are all there underneath the encasing of thought and societal structures. In a way this other language comes out of our eyes and heart, we can actually see that which we want to say from a new perception. And it seems life energy is turned into a thought, which has no basis in actuality, it's from the past. And perhaps because it has no basis. In reality, it can't really touch reality. So it has to turn back in on itself. And it's like this cycle keeps going because something is trying to meet reality but nothing ever does. If it's from thought, words can't meet life. So they go back in circles. And life energy created by life goes out to infinity and it actually changes the pattern of the hole ever so slightly, whereas thought is repetitious and doesn't change the hole. And it seems like thought as the me is false integration. The me Can't integrate into the hole because it has no relationship to the hole. So instead of integration we get repetition. The brain is being used as a repetition device, instead of actually integrating and creating can we approach life with beauty? flow is a flow of beauty. Can our gestures and actions move with the algorithm of beauty? Can each step we take be artful. And if we approach with beauty, the thing doesn't matter the thing we approach. What matters is that we approach with beauty and in that we have some relationship to it. And it seems like mob consciousness is an exercise in beauty, exercising us in the field of beauty, and exercising our beauty, muscle gestures, and our beauty neurology. I wonder if there's genes for this beauty? Can we reach out as beauty. So I don't like reading stuff. But when I write longer blurbs, kind of have to read it. So I think this is in response to what Dr. Daniel Siegel said, at the end of his neuroscience talk. On the neuroscience summit, he said something like we are nature. And I wrote to say we are nature, intellectually, without a felt sense of it. And sensitivity to it, is meaningless. And if we are to integrate nature, we must understand our relationship to it. If we have no direct understanding, it is not integrated in our brain. It's just a word, a concept, an abstraction. When the mind uses the brain to start integrating nature, the immensity can short circuit the brain circuitry. And this is exactly what is needed. To short circuit the me. When we get a glimpse of our relationship to the immensity, it starts a never ending unfolding of understanding of meaning of our relationship to nature. And as it this is eternity. So it's scary to fall out of eternity, and be involved back into the limitations of society. This impose limitation is a pressure on the brain. It's difficult not to go crazy. But as the understanding deepens, the immensity crowds out the me circuits in the brain. We just need enough money to take care of the body, the brain space and fluidity opens up. So this deepening understanding takes over the brain as perception. Now you see as the mind, interesting, I'm talking to myself. So now the brain is a relational organ, playing the music of relationship as that we can speak as the relationship to nature. And all of reality, then we don't need science as science is due to the separating ourselves from nature. With the way we use language, meeting nature and relationship with our preconceived notions of language structures, which divide us up from being indirect contact, the sound is the barrier. And the sound barrier we project prevents contact, contact and relationship with nature allows us to speak as that relationship as the moment. And I wonder about the math of this. Not that I know much about math, but I'm seeing a few variables that can go together to create something and I don't really know what that is yet, but see if something happens. Again, as a crazy person, I can pretend that my brain might be able to come up with some math stuff. It's possible or see willing possibility. I want to be defective in reference to this defective society, the mind installed a new value system, which has nothing to do with education and society. And I feel like beauty becomes the fuel. Beauty is the fuel. See willing possibility, beauty fuel. And I was reading David Baum's book, wholeness in the implicit order. And he talks about a word vida eight. I think it's five, eight, and I'll talk about it again later if I don't get this correct. But he was saying that it means to see and to understand at the same time to perceive and to understand, not just to see something, but to really understand and have a felt sense of have that thing like to understand and to see. And to have an insight is probably similar. So to have an insight is to understand something in a moment like, aha, Eureka. And so in the same way one could ask, see inciting possibility, does one see into the possibility of that insight, not just receiving it in terms of No, that doesn't agree with my belief systems, and my opinions that I've been told and sold and programmed to think about. And the cool thing about C as well as C in physics is the speed of light. So in the word C as an s, e, is also C, for light, and one needs to really see the light without the interference of previous sound structures, in order to have an insight. And so if I say, See inciting possibility, one might say, no see, and sounding and possibility. So that is admitting that one's internal sounds are getting in the way of seeing the insight that one is declaring as an insight is not coming from past knowledge, but it's actually something that is seen in the moment. And all that word stuff with the see inciting bit. All the bit extra. I just made up now. And I'm only saying that to say that new insights can come up, even though I have a bit of a list here of things that I wanted to talk about. And that's why I like writing down the small point form things. And not these big long things is because I can talk about things. And if I write down a big thing that I have to just read it and I don't like that. When I'm reading it, I'm sort of just reading it to read it, and usually not much else comes up into consciousness. And so we have beauty is the fuel. Beauty is the field. And I do feel in a way that my job is to harvest these insights, insights from Beauty, to give voice to the beauty that is all around as part of giving voice to the voiceless, which requires mirror neurons and empathy and silence. It seems like my brain can harvest insights and perceptions because it has a direct relationship with the mind with reality. And this is not anything special. It's how we're designed to be we're not designed to be programmed robots. Because this mind is something we all share. We use the brain in service of personal pleasure. But when we strip away all the personal stuff, we have the same brain in mind. And that's what Krishna Murty talks about is the human brain. If we were all of a sudden blank slates, we would just be the same human brain with the same kind of capabilities. And I was actually thinking today when I was thinking about how I've been, you know, struggling lately or something, and had to take the extra medication. But if I put it in the context of I am the world and the world has me while the world is struggling. So if I say I'm struggling, it makes it seem like my personal struggles, but the world is struggling. So even if it seems like I'm in a scenario where I shouldn't be struggling, then just to put it in a broader context because I feel like I've connected with that oneness where it's all one and felt so amazing and ecstatic. Well, one can feel anything in between when one is connected to the oneness. It's not all lollipops and cotton candy. So I'm going to try that a little bit when I'm struggling and kind of have the sense that the world is struggling and I'm picking up on it. And I haven't been struggling I just feel kind of drugged a little bit because I've been taking extra medication. And like I said, the main goal right now is to get to emotional CPR. So how do we translate this beauty? By giving voice To her by talking about it by talking as it by talking with it by looking at it by being with it, by smelling it by touching it by tasting it, by being in complete wonder of it, by understanding it wholly, partly. And I wrote down that one of my heart races like that when I'm falling asleep, it's like some sounds and thoughts are coming in to process. And it's scary because usually I'm not really connected up with that stuff. But I feel like sometimes some of it tries to filter through me like, like a drain almost. And map consciousness is vision correction, towards quantum vision and having a quantum brain, the quantum world already exists, scientists are just touching on it, but it actually exists as a state of existence as a state of the brain. Why don't we have access to that brain state is partially because the people who go into that brain state are pathologized, and accredited another word, instead of agreeing, which is sort of what you said, agrees with my opinions in my past programs, are seeing is seeing something that someone saying something new, and meeting that instead of judging and, and making opinions about it, as somebody is talking to us see, one has to be open, and say, I don't know and be willing to find out. And I think nature has some hands in it. For example, when there's a loud thunder, we can't hear ourselves think it's too loud. And also, it might scare us into not thinking for that moment. And in that moment, that a person isn't thinking, the moment before that there's often lightning, which is electrons and energy. So it's like nature sends all this energy down to the Earth's surface, and then has a loud sound that quiets the human mind for a moment. And even seeing the lightning can quiet the mind for a moment. And all the thinking energy and sound energy of people, if you were to add it all up and, and play that sound over a period of time, it would probably sound like a really, really loud thunder, if you took everybody's thoughts, which is 50,000 thoughts a day, all of that sound together, one person times two times 10 times a million, times a billion, it will be so loud. So in a way, the collective thinking of the moment is being erased with the thunder. And also we have to pay attention to nature. And we have to change our actions, because of nature, when we can be changing our actions because of nature, as in going towards the beauty of it. And another thing too, that I do for sure, is rely on the gestures of others, to remind me to do things. So I do things more visually. So somebody drinks water, I might drink water, too, because I'm not thinking Oh, I should drink water. But if I see someone else do it, I can mirror that. So I'm remember making a word for that. When I was in the state before I was even diagnosed, I called it a sea minder, because we've talked about reminding people of something. But somebody sometimes can do something that makes us reminded to do something, but it's really a C minor instead of someone say, don't forget to do this. And the importance of that is just acknowledging that we learn from others, we even somebody giving somebody, a smile can be a sea minder to remind us to actually smile at people. And so that's how the gestures spread, they spread by mirror neurons and see minders. And there's probably an epigenetic component to that too. And we could also say, I mirror you to say, I am copying you and I'm copying something good that you're doing or that I need to do to as a human being, it's a common thing. So it's part of the trust of the world that hints out there will remind us to do the things we need to do. And one day I'm hoping to maybe go completely calendar lis and just wander right now I have reminders in my calendar and stuff because otherwise I forget to do stuff. So I think I told the story about how when I was in the hospital that bad time I've seen this pattern of light for probably 15 years. And I've always kind of wondered about it, but I could see the pattern of light on the grass. And each time it lit up, there was an ant there, like the end came out of the light. But it made me realize that that light is the movement of life. It's sort of like the flower of life, possibly. And that is the algorithm of beauty. I saw more of that yesterday, it was really windy. And I also see this sort of fluorescent, green and purple everywhere. And it's really hard to explain with this weird pattern, and I don't see it all the time. But I can see it more in the dark. And it was dark outside, but I could still see the trees moving. And the way the lighting was the trees as they swayed in the wind. They disappeared into darkness. And then they came out of this darkness. And it was just so apparent to me that it's this pattern of emptiness that really holds the material. And it's impossible to explain. But it was just so fascinating to watch it seriously disappear, and re materialize. And it was actually supported by all these strings of purple and green light. I see the purple light more when it's dark in the green light more when it's white. And I've seen this all for like 14 years, which actually makes me feel like this whole process of the change of perception has been going on for a lot longer than even this whole mental illness diagnosis thing. So yeah, and there's this other thing that I see, these are all like, bits of the biology of perception behind perception that we usually can't see. But for some reason I had this thing happen where all of a sudden, I could see it. And it was before that chronic fatigue thing that I had. And I wrote down that thought is a type of dizziness of not looking at the now and giving voice to it. Language is not required most of the time. Maybe language was originally from Beauty originally had a rose from Beauty. And then somehow we managed to turn it ugly. So I might make another video I'm not sure. Tomorrow morning, I will plan some things to do with this car. So maybe I will have some other scenery besides the corner of my little room. And out looking for an eagle or Hawk feather. It was really windy last night, so I just had a feeling that I might find one. Like one would just magically blow somewhere. did find bear poop. This is baby bear. This is mama bear. And they found something else of interest. I don't know where it is. But I didn't find a feather. But I'm wondering if I will at some point. But I just wanted to make a quick video because this is definitely something a man could do is just be out for a walk and then divert to where one feels there might be an eagle feather or Hawk feather. I don't see that other thing. Oh, there it is. I think this looks like some kind of shoulder blade. Some kind of animal. thing that's cool about relaxed perception is that if it's in the field of vision and one isn't looking for that needle in the haystack, peripheral vision will pick it up. So one doesn't really have to try to look for anything. So we'll see how long it takes my brain to find it without trying to find it. Because I may not go out again, looking for it purposefully. Seems like it's sort of like setting. I don't want to say an intention, but maybe a possibility. intention sounds very willful or is possibility invites the participation of the whole universe
It's April Fool's Day. And last night, I was able to reduce the Seroquel by half. And I tried to do that several days ago and it didn't work, I had to take the other half. But this time, I fell asleep with half a Seroquel, one and a half trazadone and the usual lithium, I'm still doing the Hardy nutritionals and I'm feeling pretty good. still feeling a little slow and sluggish. But today, I actually got a lot done emails and things that I haven't really kept up on. So I felt very productive. And tomorrow, I will have access to a vehicle. So I'm actually going to have mobility and be able to go around I want to go to the hot springs and I really don't know what else I really don't like the bugs that come alive when I have my light on. So I'm going to keep this short and I realized that I've taken this much notes most of which I haven't talked about with myself yet. That's a lot pile up. But when I focus is going out and about staying well and getting to ecpr and then after that maybe focusing on eating a little bit healthier because I'm just eating a lot of carbs and not really putting much effort into my health. And I would talk to myself more right now but I really don't want all those bugs to come out. They come out. I don't know where they live but they just appear out of nowhere at nighttime when the light is on. And there might be those q ones with the wings on their head. But I still don't want them all over the place. Good night I'm here at the beach as a free bipolar person. Peter plane in San you can be free to if you believe in your magic powers and then the possibility of possibility and not just believe but the beauty and train. Let beauty animate you Is this a beautiful universe Talk to you later.
So I haven't really been doing much self dialog lately, partly because I've been attempting to catch up on other things. But partly, I think it's because I'm still on a little bit of Seroquel. And I remember from last time how, even when I was on one half, I think I did a video at the park, where I was saying, I have no idea what to even say. And then that night, I didn't take any and then the next day, I felt very talkative again. So I'm still taking half of a Seroquel, which I have for the last three days. And I'll continue to take half for a few more days just to make sure that it doesn't come up again, because of how I'm in California, and also how I want to get ecpr. So I'd rather have a clear head at ecpr. But leading up to that if I can just get myself to sleep and all that stuff, then it's good. And when I go off the Seroquel, if I finish coming off of it, then that means that I was able to take it quick enough to stop it from happening. And there was only a two month space between the last one and this one. So hopefully it doesn't happen every two months. And there's a chance I could run out of trazadone because I'm taking more than I usually do. So there's a lot of different factors that would lead me to go home early, but it's looking like I'll get a CPR. And hopefully I'll get past mid May and hopefully I'll get to the end of July. Hopefully with this hardy nutritionals I'll be able to go off the trazadone because I have gone for long periods of time, not being on trazadone at all. And today I was feeling kind of tired. And I'm not sure if I'm starting to experience that. overmedication effect that the hearty nutritionals can do. And tomorrow will actually be the one year since I was hospitalized when it wasn't good. That was a year ago tomorrow. And then I was in there for 19 days. And in a step down for two weeks. So 33 days. So starting tomorrow, this time last year, I was in the scariest situation ever. And it's awesome that a year later, I'm in California, living my dream, stumbling a little bit but still doing it and having a good time. The most difficult thing really is having a routine of feeding myself because it's so beautiful that taking care of oneself is an afterthought. I kind of miss straightening my hair. And maybe that's it. And I'm kind of skipping all over the place in my notebook. Trying to go back to where I left off somewhat. And just talk about some of the stuff could be good to still talk about it even when I'm a little bit drugged. To even just show the difference between drugs self dialog and not drugged. So here it goes. I've been thinking about language a lot. But not really because I'm drugged out. So I've been thinking about much but seems like I was thinking about language and writing stuff down at some point and I feel Like our brains are cultured and raised on thought, in that we hear people, when we're developing speak about the me and the past, and the future. So we learn those language structures. And we're, we're cultured in that we're cultured in the language of me, by a bunch of me speaking about the me. And this is structured in language with subject, object verb. And I wonder if we can create a present moment language and be cultured in that, where we don't meet each other with our past. But we meet each other with what is present. And not just what's happening inside as, and that's what's present. But what is actually there in the moment. perception of the actual and in that way, we're not divided because we're meeting with what we all share, which is everything around us, except for our physical bodies. And I wonder if the brain wants to be present or not, because it seems like it's always running away with thought wanting to be somewhere else, and all that kind of stuff. But maybe it does that because we're not speaking as the present. So the me always wants to be somewhere else. But the me isn't, the brain is just this construct over the brain. Perhaps the brain actually wants to be present, but the me can't be. Because the me is sort of this foreign entity in the brain that warps it away from just seeing and being in speaking as the present moment. And I wonder if the brain is trying to create a culture of presence. And not just culture, as in society, but actually, presence is what is the true culture of the brain for the brain to grow. It needs to see and be in the present to actually grow and change neuro plastically. Otherwise, it's not really changing and quality at all. So something else grows when we're present. The brain wants to be whole, but it's the me that divides it up. And I think the language we speak inside is dopamine dopa me. And I think we speak dopamine, English, it's English, that gets us a hit of dopamine, the way we use our words, externally, the way we use our words, internally, we use that language to get dopamine is tied into the dopamine reflex. So it's English that produces dopamine. And I wonder if there's English, that produces oxytocin. And really, to share and feel connected, when in a way needs to be present. So part of that could be oxytocin. And it could be a reason why someone in my consciousness has a lot of oxytocin traits. And I think the brain is trying to actually create a state even beyond oxytocin, which is beauty. And I think I've seen that dimension somewhat. And I read the study related to that, and I can't really remember what it is when it made me think something about that. But anyway, I'll get back to that some other time. And I was thinking about how some people do a stream of consciousness writing where they just write and write and write and write and write. And don't think and in a way can we have a stream of conscious ness seeing where we just see and see it See, without thinking. And when we see in that way, it produces sound, different sound other than thinking and that sound might actually be something other than dopamine, English. So perception creates a different way of using English. Not in service of the me. And service of the moment. And can we look as the moment, which is not a seeking state, when we're looking as the me, then we're seeking we're seeking, we're looking for something when we're looking as the me. But when we look as the moment we are that which we were looking for, so we just look. And I was thinking about cameras and how cameras capture and translate beauty. And if there was an image already on the lens of the camera, it would actually interfere with it, taking a beautiful picture. And when we project images and sounds as our thoughts, it's in the way of our lens. And another part of the camera analogy is that the camera doesn't talk about itself, it just captures and translates beauty. And those pictures are worth 1000 words. So when we can see with clear perception and take a full video moment to moment of the totality. We can choose with each frame 1000 different words to say about it. So can we create a language of the moment culture instead of a language of thought and the me and the past? That's kind of like improv in a way because an improv you can't really just talk about the me You have to really play on the moment. One can only play in the moment, one can't play yesterday. So it's not really a fun game to always be talking about past stories and problems and things. So part of this language of the moment would definitely be play. I think mania is just the language of the moment. We're definitely very embodied in the moment through a lot of it. So where are the words are coming from or from a different place? Different Dimension in a way. And we speak different from that other dimension. And when we first get in contact with that in mind consciousness, we can sound rather silly because we say everything unfiltered. And we don't question how we use thought inside our head. It's always think better thoughts, more powerful thoughts? affirmations, we don't question thinking in our head at all. So there's language inside our head and is pre formed, going around in circles. And this pre forming is part of the programming. We've been programmed to pre form our words before we say them, but then they're always coming from that place in the past. And so we perform according to our conditioning, there's an undefined, narrator and speaker. And I feel like all emotions are of the past if we recognize them as fear. When we have the fearful emotion, there'll be something from the past giving us a reason to be afraid. And I feel like emotions have a holographic quality in that the emotional molecule actually stores the information of what it is that we're emoting about. So it's not just fear, but the reason that we should feel fear, the little story, the image, the past event. And I feel like this is kind of how emotions, put the brake on map consciousness and bring one back down. Because when one is in the mania side of things, it's very rich and ecstatic and fluxing and flowing. And then all of a sudden, an emotion comes in, and it's almost like a brake pedal, because before it was like this flow of different richness that is hard to define, and then as soon as it's like, fear from the past coming in, it almost grabs that energy of mania and pulls it down. So I feel like this could be the brake system from a person being in map consciousness for too long. So they're not able to maintain that state and turn it into a trade or a stage. And something short circuits and the emotions coming in like that as part of it. So in so called psychosis, there's a lot of fear. And if somebody was in a high state, and goes into fear, they're going to be in a low state quite quickly. So they're almost like, anchors, like you've gone too far into that state, or been too long into that state. And sort of burnt out energetically. And there could be things that we do in that state that lead us to also burn that out. And the emotion in the story when it comes in, like the fear the, or whatever it is, it's the me that tries to tether us back to the limited self. Again, putting the brakes on, it all of a sudden, reminds us who we were, when, in mania, we're sort of something totally different. And changing all the time. We're really with the moment and then the emotion comes in and sort of puts us not in just the moment, but in the whole context of our stored memories over time. That in mania, we forget about, and when we forget about them, we have all this energy. And then when they come back in, it pulls us down. And I'm not saying this is how it is or how it's bad for one and good for the other. I'm just saying it's interesting to think about. And I think emotions keep us separate from the world are helped to keep us separate, because it reinforces the me, which is a separative movement. And if we don't have that blocking us, we're sensitive and empathetic. And using our mirror neuron system, not our emotional system, our emotional system is chemical. And the chemicals come in and produce holograms as well. Whereas if we are just with our mirror neuron system, it's based on light, the light of perception, and sound as well, but actually receiving the whole impression of sound and light on our mirror and being able to make the calculation of responding adequately without thinking about it. It's a different calculation, you almost Watch yourself act, sort of like an emergency situation, when you see something, and you just act. You see what needs to be done right away, you just act. It's kind of like that. So the me and the emotions block the mirror neurons, because the emotions are chemicals and holograms, whereas the quantum mirror is just light of perception and sound coming in not inner sound blocking the sound coming in. And so it receives the whole quantum impression. And they're saying, the universe is quantum. Well, the fabric is quantum and we move as that fabric and with that fabric and change that fabric because we are the possibility makers. And I was thinking that the quantum is a psychoactive substance. And so it's perception. When we see clearly, it changes our brain, it changes our brain chemistry. Just like in mania, our perception is so clear, and we're so sensitive. And it's psychoactive. We're not taking anything but it's actually psychoactive it's acting on our brains to perceive so clearly an act, action and epigesturetics is psychoactive and it rewrites the DNA. So it's sort of Geno active as well. Seeing new renews the brain. And I think we who go into map consciousness, being valued and understood for our unique contribution that we're still waiting to be able to make would be psychoactive. for us and for the people that might listen, it would heal the way we're looked at. And the way a lot of people look at themselves. It will heal the way we look together and the way we speak together and it will heal A lot of things because people who go into mass consciousness do come back with a lot of meaning and perspective, more so than they might have ever realized because they've never been invited to think about it, or consider it, or it's dormant or atrophied because of lack of use. Like one has to use one's gifts when one gets acquainted with those gifts, so we don't use them, then they kind of shrivel up. But I feel like soft dialogue and context and meaning making and talking with each other might provide the hydration, the nutrition, the resonance, the energy to to reawaken these gifts that we have. The light that we have to meet coming out of other people's eyes, depletes us. And I think we need a quantum language, we need a lot of different ways to use language than just past present future. Me, you I, we they, there are so many more ways to, to think about language, whether it's speaking as the present moment, speaking as perception speaking, as quantum speaking as possibilities, or even a language for when two people realize that they can think together on things that they're actually not to separate minds and brains. And I think the way that we use words, actually creates mental illnesses, with the labeling, of course, but even just the way we use language throughout our lives, great separation and loneliness and division and competition and coercion and every form of thing that's against the human nervous system. It's a culture of words, as in the nutrition of the words is, is off. It's weakening us weakens our nervous system, and we're all repeating all of this and then we're not animating ourselves as our most beautiful selves, because we don't have that language of beauty as the nutrition running through our nervous systems and, and in the thoughts fear and soundscapes. And I feel like the me language, the current way language is used limits neuroplasticity, for sure. And it's reverberating through our nervous system and keeping us limited and we're not animated by the universe. And I think this is the major thing, the energies and going through our nerves properly. So one of the things would be to use language differently. And if we think we have a mental illness, then we stop thinking. We stopped wondering, and we were born to wonder. And I wonder if we can go beyond personal separative emotions to empathy and from molecules of emotion to the quantum mirror. an impersonal screen that calculates the lightened sound. So it's a light of perception state, not a material state. So the light and sound hits the mirror and we act, but we don't go through this intermediary state of emoting and thinking
So last night I was sort of slowly and clumsily doing some self dialogue on older things I'd written down. And then when I was editing it, I often have things pop up in awareness that I want to write down. And then I noticed that some of it was getting a little bit tipping towards the hole going too far with extrapolations that scare my brain because they're sort of like prophecy or premonition, or I'm not sure what they are. But so then, after that, I was thinking to myself, I don't know, maybe I should just not do any self dialog until after ecpr. Because I don't want to freak my brain out. It's a week away, and I want to get there. And so I sort of settled with that and thinking that, well, if I do some, I'll just give a little bit of update of how I'm doing with taking the hearty nutritional supplement and things like that. And then today, I wrote down so much, and it wasn't anything scary. So I was thinking, well, maybe it would be good to actually do some self dialogue on the new stuff. And see how that feels. Because I think there's a bit more energy behind it when the context from which it was written is still kind of there. And I don't know if that's true, for sure. But I just thought, well, maybe I'll talk about some of these things I wrote down today. Even though I told myself, I wouldn't talk about anything, doesn't mean I can't write stuff down. But again, this process can also lead to freaking one's brain out a little bit. But I think that's part of extending the comfort zone of this whole process. Because when one is seeing possibilities, one can see scary possibilities, too. And I thought of a funny one, yesterday, and I wrote down that map consciousness is kind of like Nervous System cleaning. It's cleaning out all the thought structures and programs, or maybe not all of them, but some of them. And so just like one one queens ones colon and does an enema or something, he might look in the toilet. And notice that there are some pretty nasty looking stuff there. And in the same way, my consciousness is cleansing out these old bad structures and holograms that when they're cleansed out of the nervous system, we have to look at them, unfortunately, and they can sort of really scare us in a way because we're looking at them and, and what the mind is imagining feels like it's happening. So it's almost like there's this thought plaque matrix that needs to be cleaned out of the nervous system. And this thought plaque matrix of sound, in a way, is a plaque around the brain cells. And just like the colon can have a mucoid plaque of accumulated stuff. throughout life, it seems like the brain cells can accumulate thoughts and holograms and things that no longer serve us to actually absorb the proper nutrition of light perception of the moment. It's, we're not really hydrating with these new perceptions, because all the old stuff is encasing all the brain cells. And it's like this thought sound vibrations around the brain cells in the brain cells can't respond to new light, sound information. And then, in responding actually create appropriate action and response due to the correct impression. But the scary thing I wrote and I wrote a little Yikes. And I remember last time, when I started to have to take a Seroquel a couple of weeks ago, the video before my brain wouldn't fall asleep. I was saying, Oh, I thought of this scary thing, but it didn't scare me. But I still my brain got scared the next night. So I don't know if talking about this will be bad. I just don't want to scare my brain seems so sensitive. Like it just wants to sit with beautiful things. So to talk about things that aren't beauty gets a little bit scared and wants to run away from that. I was thinking about how we've been programmed to pre form our words, preform our sentences before we say them and while people are talking So we're programmed, and they're not even our words, they're coming from this collective matrix of sound scapes and sound programs that we've collected over time to respond, or react as our knee structure. So it's a bunch of recordings. And then I was thinking about how in science, they say, stuff happens in our brain. Before we do it, and before we're even conscious that we're going to do it. So something happens in the brain. And then we think that we're going to do that thing. So we think we thought the thing, and then that's why we did it. But it already happened in the brain before we were consciously aware that we thought it. So they're saying, like, Is there a free will. But so in a way, the program is responding for us. And it's using our brain and our neurology to respond. And it's already created the response before we know it, and we think that we thought it, but we're being thinked, our brains are being used. Science thinks it's this interesting phenomenon. But really, our brains are being used by these programs. And we're speaking as these programs. So again, it's more like language viruses. And so when we go beyond the program, and map consciousness, we can see these programs. And I feel like when we go beyond the programs, and we're living in beauty, and spontaneity, and all these other rich human dimensions, when we start to fall out of that, because we lose the energy of that. It's one of the ways that we react so violently, to, again, being dipped into thought, is that when we're in those clear spaces of perception, and everything's beautiful, we're very vulnerable and sensitive, and we're acting in the moment based on the beauty that we're perceiving. But when we start to run out of that energy of beauty, and we start to see the ugliness, we react very violently to this ugliness that society has created. So there's some beauty and when we're walking in so called mania, we're sort of seeing that and augmenting that. And it's creating the perception of that is creating new brain cells for that. So that's the blueprint. But it loses steam, I think partially because it's something that needs to be walked out with other people, is not something that is supposed to be a personal phenomenon, it's actually the opposite of that. But if one is only in it by oneself, at some point, it's bound to become something that seems personal. So I think there's definitely an importance in not making it personal. And one way to do that is to be there with someone else. And I was actually thinking today, it would be cool to create a house and live with people who can access this and actually live in a different way, and support each other in this non individualism and not allowing each other to make it into this personal energy and this personal thing, because it's, it's not and I think, going into it alone, is has a higher chance of making it personal. And I don't know if that's true, per se. I don't think that's true for everybody. I think some people manage to go through it and, and sort of a Biden an enlightened state. But I think for people who go on to map consciousness, and then are labeled as mental illness, to go back there safely, we might need each other somewhat. And I don't know if that's true, but it could be another experiment to create a house where people live together like that. Not necessarily a healing house, but just a living house. Do you want to create a respite center, but that would be a little bit different, maybe. So it just kind of freaked out my brain to really see holy crap. Like, we're basically just picking from this pool of recordings. And it's coming up as a reaction. Before we even know it, and it's like living through us. And no wonder after coming down from that consciousness, we're so in opposition to that because it's so fake. I feel like we get triggered out of mania by things that remind us of me. Or things that kind of hurt or past traumas or people being traumatized. And eventually, that vulnerability that is seeing the beauty in acting in the moment is turned back into some of one of the levels of thought, and it's usually not a good one, because the person is very vulnerable, and so can be pushed down to the lowest places in society, because they have no protection of this ego structure. And that's why I feel a family can be a trigger for this too, because family thinks that they know who we are. And when our brain mutates, and we're not really that same me, they can almost cause the mutation to reverse and go back to who we were before. And, and we don't want to go back to that. And then we act out in ways or whatever you want to call it. And then it's seen as symptoms of a mental illness, but really staying at the level of the means a mental illness and, and trying to transcend it with all the pressures of societies is, is a challenge. And that's why I think that it could be helpful to have more people supporting each other to keep these societal structures at bay. So in mania, so called mania brain, the state of seeing and acting, and it can take us on quite a journey and quite a tangent in relationship to one's current trajectory of life. And one can go on a tangent and then go 180 degrees the other way and perpendicular and all over the place. There's no reference to I should be doing this. And it's this time, so I should be doing that which is all functional societal programming, which has a certain place for sure. But with all that extra energy, one totally ignores those things. So we're seeing an acting in mania. And it also happens in so called psychosis, seeing and acting. And one when it goes back to the level of thought and sees the danger of any kind of thought structure, one acts and it is according to that level, which is usually fear, or anger, or all these different levels of the emotions. Actually, if you look at Dr. David Hawkins, scale of consciousness, all these lower levels, below the level of 200 are sort of the emotional reactions that can happen. And that's the level of consciousness. Whereas at the higher levels, then one acts in a different way. So I feel like mania is above the dimension of thought. It's like having one's head above the clouds, and then one dips back into thought, one is seeing seeing an acting, but based on scary stuff, all the thought structures are scary. And one sees when one goes above the level of thought, and dips back in, one sees everything as an emergency. Because above the level in mania, one seeing an acting, seeing and acting, and when we're in an emergency situation, a regular cautiousness person definitely goes into seeing an acting, but one is in seeing and acting when one is in map consciousness. So when one is in the level of thoughts in map consciousness, one sees the emergency of that, and people can see a prophesize where it's going to head if people keep operating at the level of thought. And it's absolutely terrifying and, and one's brain in a higher energy state, then in the level of thought, can extrapolate and associate all kinds of possibilities from this big matrix of thought structures. When one goes up to the level of mania and comes back down, one sees that the current level of society is an emergency situation. And that's where I don't want my brain to go right now. And I was thinking, I'm wondering if ecpr will be a psychoactive substance, that level of compassion that has healed me when that person came to me in the psych ward and, and just listened and with her energy. I think that space is one of the biggest healers and love and compassion are psychoactive substances, or psychoactive energies. And then another freaky thing thing I thought of was, what if language was a privilege. And if it was used wrongly, it could be taken away. Just like law, if you break the law, then someone might be punished. And this isn't even in terms of actual reward and punishment, it's just do we really have freedom of speech or freedom to use language however we want, and how we've used it, has created a lot of suffering and everything. And to me, it's just interesting that now it seems like language is a privilege, or not everybody is able to acquire language. So there's something to this whole, what are we doing with language? And and what is that doing to us, and what does that doing to the next generation, we have to think about humanity as a being as a totality together, not all these separate individuals. And we're actually weakened by the way we use language, the me and, and success and worry and stress, we're actually using language to weaken us. What's really destroying us is language and how we use that against ourselves and each other. And I think language and words could be seen as nutrition. And we need so much more nutrition to balance off all the stress we impose upon ourselves through these programs. And, and they've been imposed upon us through how we're raised and educated and, and the value systems were given and unwritten, over the natural value systems that are innate in our nervous system if it wasn't overwritten. And there's a current of language, there's a language scape. And I feel there's a wellspring of insight that can be given voice to in the moment. And this is a different way to use language, and to allow language to flow through us. So it's a current of insight language, which is something new. It's new in the moment without accumulating, and we become a voice of insight, which is wisdom in a way. And when this wisdom and insights which happens in the brain at first, it's kind of nonsensical, but it can be pruned. It's almost like an explosion of learning every second. And we need to prune our brain, every second, not just, oh, I grew up, I developed I prune my brain, I filled my brain with knowledge. And that's all I'm going to go by for the rest of my life plus or minus 1%. This is like 100% new each moment. And part of the trouble is actually starting to have a sense for how to speak this language in a way how to prune it in a way where it can still meet people. Because if I was talking about aliens and Stardust, and it might not be able to meet people on I don't even know if what I'm saying now has any sense of meeting people at all, but maybe that's part of the self dialog processes, talking and talking. So then my brain is heard enough insights to trust the process of insight. And part of what I've been learning lately is, is how to communicate with that. And it's been met with opposition for sure. I'll say something and people don't see what I'm saying. So I don't know if anyone will see what i'm saying with this. And it doesn't matter again, the particular thing it just matters that maybe if one can see what what I'm saying. One can see that one can start to see what one is saying for oneself. And together, not about right or wrong and all these false structures, but about seeing and perceiving in the moment. And the moment is always new. So if I say something about one moment or as a moment it's almost relevant the next moment. It's not about this is correct. It's about speaking as the moment and and having that take root in the brain and maybe finding other people who can speak as them moment to not as Oh, that doesn't sound right, that sounds wrong, that's bla bla bla bla like it's about the moment is always new, and getting one's brain in touch with that. And I would hope that other people who maybe have gone into that state spontaneously can get some of it back. Because it's really important to be able to speak in possibility. And speak in beauty and perception and infinity and quantum and all these other modes of using language as opposed to Past, Present future and all this sort of functional language and individual language to keep us separate, and accumulating our own crap. And I started watching a TED talk by Pietro Boselli. And he is an academic and model. And he is quite a beautiful man. But I didn't finish watching it yet, but I will. But he was talking about how learning in one domain helps one learn in another domain. And he started by saying that if a little girl was sitting down, and she had access to a big bunch of pencil crayons with colors, how she selected them would be a type of fitness of colors. And I was thinking that her perception her looking at the colors, is what selects for the colors. It's not some blank process, it's not closing one's eyes and selecting at random. It's looking at what one considers beautiful, and selecting for that. And this goes along with what Dr. Bruce Lipton said years ago, which is perception rewrites DNA. And he has a talk called the Biology of Belief, which I think is even better than his book, Biology of Belief. And I watched both. And he talks about epigenetics, and how he even said in the talk, there's something called genetic engineering genes where there's genes that know how to write new genes if needed for survival. So he gave an example of putting a type of bacteria in a test tube with a type of medium that was poisonous to the bacteria and it should all die, they do not have the genes, the proteins are anything to process this material and not be poisoned by it. But they found that when they did that, there was actually some that survived. And then they check the DNA and the bacteria had created the DNA needed to create the protein needed to digest and process this poison as food. Even saying that now to myself, I wasn't planning to go there. But I wonder if a person who operates on perception, the level of perception, sort of above and beyond have a different quality of just the thought structures and being programmed. If one can see the thought structures and actually use them as food, I guess. Which would be maybe, that this perception has a level of compassion, whatever that means, but compassion needs something to be compassionate about. Or, like, if everything was perfect in the world, there would be no concept of compassion. But there is this thing called compassion. And I think that's another fundamental factor, I haven't really extrapolated very much, but maybe I will now because going ecpr is definitely something about compassion for other people and and maybe in a way, seeing suffering as thought. Perception can sense just to be spacious and hold compassion for that. And maybe in a way, it sort of dissolves that without anyone really knowing what happened. It's sort of a different thing beyond trying to fix Or just seeing that something sounds like it needs some healing and just being that healing space. And I actually remember, I don't really talk too much about Dr. de Mol, but I did study with him temporarily. And when he was here, well, when he was where I live, and he, I remember he says, you become a healing force, just by your look, you heal things. And so sometimes things that he said, pop into my awareness. And I'm not really sure, actually something I'd like to do one day is go and see him and kind of thank him for things. But I'm not sure if I'll do that. And when seems like I've put several levels of possibilities out there for the future. But he also said something about, I don't remember where what talk, but he said, I know it sounds kind of schizophrenic, but it will have to do for now. So to me, it was a clue that this thing that is called mental illness is actually part of the program. So the level of thought would see it as mental illness, but people who have been labeled and have different contexts for it, see it in a different way, but still kind of play the role of having a mental illness because it's pretty hard to avoid. If one just denies it, then sometimes it can make it worse, perhaps, but I don't really want to go into that now. But Dr. Jamal has just said a few things that just made me realize that it's all kind of part of the design. I won't go there now, because it's freaky brain territory. So perception selects for DNA and genes and creates genes, rights genes. So I feel like we don't have enough beauty genes in our body. And if we perceive beauty, then we can start to see more and more beauty. Like this morning, I was walking through a room. And I just looked over, and there was the weirdest looking but again, my peripheral vision just picked it out, wasn't that I was staring at that one point on the ground. It was in the whole perceptual field. And it being there. That thing, that insect, that thing of wonder and curiosity that I wasn't wondering about, it didn't know whatever existed. It picked out that new, beautiful, interesting, fascinating thing. And my head moved to look at it, so it was picked out in my perceptual field. And then that moved my head. So perception caused my head to move towards that interesting thing. Not Oh, I'm looking for this and looking for that and just going like this with blinders on. And so I'll share a picture of it because it was really weird looking. So I feel like we need more beauty DNA. So part of my job as a manic is to see beauty and, and my perceptual field, the whole field, which is part of what creates genes, because if one is focused on thought, all the stress genes and things are being activated and and recreated. But if one is relaxed in their perception, and let the whole field select for something, when I look at that thing, it creates something in my brain to actually witnessed that insect which most people would walk by and not even see or if they did see it, they would just squash it. So so it's different that way. So there's something about the perception of thought, stuff. That is sort of ugliness and having compassion for it and maybe in the compassion for that maybe that can actually make it beautiful somehow. Like it can maybe be food for perception. When right now it feels like poison like can the brain that's gone above the clouds in a way too. That other dimension can one come back in a way and, and use those thought things as food like, with one I want to do when I go back home is create compassion and, and psychological safety. So in order to do that one needs people with suffering thoughts and the objective in a way is to, to diminish that suffering, but in a way the suffering is food for the compassion. It's kind of this weird way to think about it, but I'm trying to find a way because I do know that I will be to see maybe if I can just be there and listen without judging even those thoughts structures, then maybe there's something that does something. Because when, because how I've shared that some things that I've said have been met with quite opposition, because I'll say something about maybe something beautiful and people can see it, they'll be like, well, that just sounds like you know, you're painting a picture or creating formula, but I actually do see those might show that in a way. And being here in California would do seeing more beauty because there's just more beauty around and I can be outside more and, and stuff like that. So I think that's part of how I like to be is outside more. And I wrote a couple things down about designed for when I go back home. But I better in this video. And I think I'll make another one cuz I haven't even got to anything I wrote down today except for that thing about Pietro and haven't listened to his whole talk, but I will because he was saying the word algorithm and genetic algorithm related to engineering. So I'm talking about the word algorithm loose loosely because I don't really know what it means exactly. I could find out but that would probably just create this long extrapolation. So I'll wait to do that a little bit longer. Maybe beauty and train you
So again, thinking about language, I was thinking about how it seems there's certain words that reinforce the me and reinforce the separate sense of self. Like say the word should, should creates the meat sort of a measurement against the structures of society. And it's better or worse, good, bad. time trying to become something better. So there are these words that reinforce the me which wouldn't be a part of the language of infinity and oneness and beauty and quantum. And again, saying I should have done something is saying that there is an active Well, when really, if we're in relaxed perception, there's no will there's just awareness and action based on awareness, which feels spontaneous, and adequate. And somebody mentioned that. There's this weightiness, and I was thinking that the weight is the movement of the non movement of thought. So when we think we usually it makes us sort of second guess ourselves. We don't just act. And so when we second guess, or we're kind of thinking and deciding, it actually creates a contraction in our muscles and our nervous system. And I've talked about this before. And I feel in a way, that's kind of how matter is created because the thoughts create a neurological and chemical response in the body that sort of changes the whole structure of everything. And it makes us more dense, and it makes us heavier. So there's this non movement that we're always adjusting to, instead of just being in this natural flux and flow of the universe, which people who have gone into map consciousness know all about, you don't have to explain or guess or wonder if it's there, it's there. experientially, it's the difference between being a scientist studying quantum physics and having a brain that is operating based on quantum physics. So the weight is the non movement of the muscles in the nervous system, because the thought structures of should shouldn't, can can't, or are warping it. So it weighs down the nervous system. And I wonder if there can be a lightness when the light of perception is allowed to run through the nervous system and just be the nutrition for it and be very fluid. And that's what happens in mania. So I already know what's possible. So the light is running through the system instead of sound. Sound comes out of the system, but it comes out based on the light of perception. There's no extra sound in the nervous system. And memory is, is a dirty nervous system. And what I've learned in terms of what I need when I go back is beauty as a nature, and other things, organic food, and to help the food store money to just buy healthy food and not have to eat junk all the time. I want to be good to my body again. Silence, nobody clanking things, or hearing TVs or traffic noise, but also a place to sing and play loud music. So not thinking oh, I can be noisy because this person will be bothered. So those are some of the things I think I need. A question came up about. We aren't separate individual me's. So then what do we do? And I think the answer is that it's an action. It's not a concept. It's not a formula. When we really perceive oneness, we act as that. And so we're not acting according to programs, and we're acting as a mirror. So we can sense what's going on and act according to that. So what actions are universal? And can one exist in the universal? And so it's not a thought, but it's a perception. And I wonder what would we be doing about things if we were thinking together and acting together? Not as separate Individuals? And can we move on perception and not this illusion of choice? Which is the program's sort of life make choices? Or does it perceive an act, and we're all individuals choosing based on this thought sphere, when I feel like there's other spheres, there's a beauty sphere and a perception sphere. And even if we can't feel like we're, one, we're all acting on the same Gaia. So we all have the same canvas. So anything we do on this canvas, directly or indirectly affects somebody else. We're rearranging matter in consciousness. It seems like there's this butterflies fear in terms of the butterfly effect, and we're not seeing it. And I feel like in so called psychosis, we do connect with that, because we see what thought does and what we've done and what we're doing as humanity and we feel like oh, my God, look what I'm doing. There is this sense of complete oneness, but some of it can be scary, too. But that's also part of learning, because by seeing that, one can see what not to do. One can see why not just in terms of words and explanations, but actual in touchiness, and we're all borrowing from the thoughts fear and the matter sphere, are sort of like volunteers on Earth. But can we create, can we create new sounds and insights, and somebody mentioned something about, if I lose my individuality, somebody else will come in and control me. So we're afraid to lose that. And I was thinking about how it's remapped consciousness, we lose our individuality, we lose our boundaries are boundless, and then we're dancing and playing and, and, and living in that energy for a while. And then when we go through the so called psychosis, instead of being received compassionately, we do have people coming in and controlling our lives. And in a lot of people's cases, their life might be controlled for the rest of their life. So what this person said was kind of true in a way, because the universe can come in and make us lose our individuality. And there's a real importance in journeying together and starting to say otherwise, because just one person seeing it isn't enough. And the mirror neurons are always calculating, even if we think we have this freewill of thought. So every time we choose something, and our body tenses up, because it wasn't a living response to the moment, it was some kind of program that can never fully adequately respond to the moment. It's messing with our physiology and our body and contorting us ever so slightly. So with these programs, we think they're good and efficient and everything, but they're not because they are damaging our system. So the nervous system in the body always knows. And in terms of this language of beauty, we always say I this and I that and I'm wondering if there's a way to instead always have the eye as a reference point, but to have this non local reference point of beauty. So for example, when I was walking in that room, and I saw that interesting bug. And I could say I saw a bug. But in a way the bug saw me because perception picked it out like I wasn't looking for the bug. So to start with the element of beauty first, like all of a bug that perception selected for not this I like there's no i there. And the way we speak makes it seem like there is but if we spoke based on what we're perceiving, first putting the perception or the beauty or the richness or the off first. Something about the space being filled with all based on this. perception was just something that perception picked out. It's more like insect in awareness or insect perception picked up or insect perception picked out insect perception picked out beauty. So it's about the insect that perception picked out. And there was the sense of beauty. But not really like I saw this bug. And it was interesting. Because when there's no center of eye thinking, that's when perception, the field of perception can pick out things. For us. It's kind of like, if we're on our phone, and we go to a website, and then later, we're on our phone again, and there'll be an advertisement for something that was on the website we were on recently. Because the algorithm knows that you were on that. So maybe you're going to buy from there. So we're going to put that back on the screen. So you might buy it, because you already showed that you wanted that. So in the same way, in reality, this whole screen of awareness that we have this whole vast field of perception by being relaxed and letting beauty select for itself, it just keeps selecting for that. But when we're thinking certain things, we're always selecting for things related to our thoughts. So then we think well think better thoughts. But those are still within the level of the programming because we can only think something within the level of the programming, we're never going to be thinking I want to see this really bizarre looking bug that I've never seen before. Yet, if we're thinking something else, we're not going to see the really bizarre looking bug. So to not think anything and be empty, allows for the whole screen to go from Beauty, to beauty, to beauty, to beauty to beauty and something always different and rich. And the thing was saying perception, picked out a perception grasped or perception, something. It also shows that anyone could have seen that I could be looking at it and say that somebody else could say that as well because they can see it too. And in a way that's about speaking as the moment speaking as something in the moment, and not of like something that happened yesterday, which is I experienced blah, blah, blah. There could be another sentence that says something about a different beautiful thing to somebody else, after being prompted by this beautiful insect to actually augment the beauty of the moment. Maybe we need to speak about nature more. And I have a passage that I want to read from Krishna Murty that talks about if you have no relationship with a tree, not just as a name and a botanical chunk of knowledge, then you can't have relationship with anything. or sensitivity to anything. And I was thinking about how we have this small sliver of experience and consciousness called freewill that we call freewill. And the rest of it is subconscious or part of the intelligence of life. Like the beating of our heart, we don't have to think beat beat beat for to beat. But we have this very small little bit of suppose it freewill. And I think that's actually the slice of the virus. I think this freewill is a virus. And it's like this very small, viral chunk of reality that is just in structures of language that makes us think that we have free will. And maybe because we think we think we have free well. And maybe that and maybe that phrase, I think therefore I am is actually correct. The thinking creates the eye, which is the separation. It's more like I think therefore I have an ego. I think therefore my ego is or I think therefore the ego is when it thinks it has free well by thinking. But I think this thinking is a virus and this virus that keeps us disconnected with society and creates human beings to be like viruses on the planet destroying everything. And I've come to this point a few times is like well we choose if there is any choice will we what we choose to not Choose what we see what we're doing. And we think it's free will but it's not because it can towards us and warps our nervous system and poisons us with cortisol. So every act of freewill is actually contributing to our own destruction Free Will acting separately from others. It's like this small slice of reality, it says little frequency, it's this frequency of language and sound and how we're using it, to destroy ourselves and separate ourselves from that which we are not separate. And trying to break life down into all these individual little component parts. When the perception of the hole is what creates life, so you can't break it into bits, and then think it means anything.
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