Bipolar Inquiry

So yesterday, I don't even know if I talked to myself I can't remember. And I woke up and I felt like so. suicidally depressed, I couldn't even move. It was so painful. And then sort of decided, going to the island. And then I felt like I could move again. And I managed to shower yesterday, not today yet. And I took some of the vitamins that Peter Smith told me to take. And again, I took some today, usually take them twice a day and at bedtime, but it's kind of like once a day happening. And all of a sudden, I felt like a little bit more creative. And like I can do things. And I don't know if I'll be like kind of falling back into the lowest common denominator at some point. But couple things last night, I had this weird experience I woke up in the night, and I don't usually wake up in the night. And somehow I knew it was the middle of the night. And I checked the time, which I never do, and it was 229. And it felt like how I was earlier in the night when I was sort of laying in this certain yoga posture like fully stretched out like this and like stretched out and touching in the back, laying on my forehead, on a yoga mat. And also on an earthing mat. And I discovered last night that doing that posture as well as the reverse waterfall, like with feet up on the couch, on an earthing that took away the pain like I was feeling this pain and the pain, I think has something to do with gravity. And also does the sound that I hear this really loud, like almost like a like a magnet turning or something.

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It's 1112 on January 1 2019, happy new year, I was going to start at 1111. And a friend has texted me a picture of 1111 have screenshot of their phone on January 1. And I looked up and I was 1112. So here I am. And I'm kind of in creative mode right now. Yesterday, I had my teeth whitened. This is the most yellow one, sorry, looking better. I had a whitened and cleaned with ozone therapy. And the lady was so cool and generous with her time and her information and knowledge. So I'm going to look into this ozone therapy thing more. I bought an ozone machine a water ozonator. So I'm curious how ozonated swirl water will be. And I also bought some other stuff for what I'm creating. And some supplement powders like Magnolia bark, because that's an expensive supplement. And if I get it in powder, that will save some money. So I'm leaving the United States or leaving where I am on the 20th of January. So I'm gonna try to order some things that would be not available on Amazon Prime Canada, or would be more expensive in terms of shipping. So kind of be ordering more stuff. And getting all this creative stuff in order. There's been some challenges. And I think this is going to be a challenging year. 

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I just had an acupuncture appointment, went to try acupuncture for a few weeks because it's coming upon the time were good have a bit of a crisis. It's the seven month mark, I think. So this next month and a half, something could happen like that. And I've heard acupuncture can be helpful for transconsciousness. And I feel pretty relaxed after that appointment. It was 200 American dollars, though. So hopefully, I'm doing the right things for myself and I created some bracelets like this that I want to give away as gestures of friendship. And I'm hoping that I can get in alignment with whatever it is I'm meant to get in alignment with. In this next while, kind of do or die time. That's how I feel. And we'll see how that manifests. I started taking some doTERRA oils, I got their little family essentials kit, which has lavender, lemon, peppermint, their blend, pod breathe, Deep Blue melaleuca, which is tea tree oil, frankincense, oregano, oil, digestion, which is another one of their blends and on guard. They're all supposed to do different things. And it comes with a cool book, to start to understand what some of them do, as well as information about ones that I didn't get. So I'll buy more, and the nice book, and so my digestion spin off. 

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Sitting at the park, some kind of feeling the buisiness of the city, and how not loving that. So leaving in a week I think is good timing because I'm starting to feel I don't like all this traffic and construction can really feel the vibration of sound lately I can feel the airplane vibration in this table that I have my arm resting on the vibration of the music that I play in my car. So I'm sitting here and enjoying the frog croaking to the left and the birds to the right, including a hummingbird that I heard and watching a spider lower itself down by its web in sort of sequential jumps from the roof of this little shelter, and listening to the river. And the wind and the trees and the freshness and the air from the rain. So I'm feeling like where I'm going will be more suitable. Especially for how I'm recently feeling sort of the build up of Okay, what's enough busy city time. driving back and forth in traffic. It's more stressful driving in the dark, and the rain for sure. And just pondering what to take with me, I put some stuff aside to take with me, but I don't know which items I will take and need to pack my clothes, get some health insurance. 

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I just had a really simply powerful experience. I was feeling so tired this morning, like tired of my eyes. And I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to shake it all day. And I'd taken my supplements but I hadn't yet had my coffee. So I stopped at Tim Hortons for coffee and sat down at a table and, and had my binder out studying what I'm facilitating today. And there was this table of four men across the way, I had my headphones in, and I had taken out my name tag for the group that was on the table. So I heard someone calling my name and it was one of the men at the table across the way and he just started making some small talk, talking about his knee surgery, asking what I was studying for things like that. And after we talked for a couple minutes, even though the restaurants loud and it was sort of shut, it really got up to talk to him, because it was kind of yelling across the way a little bit. But after we stopped talking, that tiredness in my eyes was gone. So it shows the power of the nutrient of human connection. And lately, I feel sort of like I don't feel I don't like living by myself. I want to live around a bunch of like minded people and not not alone. And it's not about loneliness, it's about this fact of the nutrition, the the power of this human connection, the light coming out of someone's eyes. So he was being friendly.

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But it was really manic, I would take it probably put it on my necklace. But I'm not. And yeah, it's been an interesting couple of days. I was super, super tired yesterday. So first thing I want to talk about today is how I know do have a ticket to the event with the spiritual master I studied with 10 years ago, when he was here last. He's from Malaysia. And I guess, somebody else one, one person who I met there, who probably doesn't remember me, they emailed me and said, oh, there's no tickets, you can be 20th in line for cancellation. So it's not likely that you'll get a ticket. And then somebody else emailed me and said, Oh, I'm going to forward your email to that same person that already emailed me and I said, Oh, they already emailed me and said, there's no ticket. And I wrote a bit of a blurb about my struggles, and said, some of the stuff I remember experiencing with this enlightened master years ago, and that I did, you know, the discipline, one class of his in person years ago, and I guess I had mentioned, I listened to a recent talk on his online portal thing. And so I just got an email saying, Oh, we had a cancellation for the public talk. And since you've done discipline, one and listen to talks, we're going to give it to you. So you know, I just bought myself up from 20th, to first and here I was thinking that I wasn't going to be able to go. And I have to work some stuff out with my schedule to be able to go. But now that I have a ticket, I'm going to try to go No matter what, just to say sort of Thank you.

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I'm feeling really domestic, really organized and cleaned a lot I decided to catch up on my laundry today instead of in a few days. Being in this house makes me feel like being domestic first. just noticing that, and for a while I've been wondering about my spire, it's smelled a little bit funny, like, ooh, because I've been using it since, I don't know, April May, and I haven't washed it. And I remember seeing online that it can get run through the washer and, and live. And it did get run through the washer accidentally tonight, so smells beautiful. It didn't go through the dryer, which is good, because I realized I was looking for my spire and I realized I left it on my bathing suit top so it's nice and clean. And I'm gonna let it air dry, it feels a little damp. And try it again tomorrow, see what happens. Hopefully it still works otherwise. Hopefully they might replace it. I remember reading somebody say that. They're good at replacing it because this thing so small, be so easy to lose. And so anyway. Yeah, so I wrote some stuff today. And I'm feeling like, maybe I should stop talking so much about this stuff and, and make it into a game or something or make it into created something creative. Because I don't know I've been I've been saying all this stuff for a long time. And not maybe the universe is playing a game with us. Because maybe I'm saying the same kind of thing over and over. And I'm looking forward to going out and hanging out with people tomorrow. From being here by myself. I don't feel lonely. I don't really get lonely. But I feel like I want to be around people. So it's not a lack. But I just enjoy being around people, especially since I was out and about, it was like I did a 60 day challenge without even knowing it. 

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It seeming like I'm saying what to do, or how to do it, or what's right. I'm not doing that at all. And my motivation is to help other people like me somehow, but not by saying the way to do it. Because I really don't know. And that that would be negating people's ability to direct themselves and direct their own lives. So I'm showing me directing my own life and hoping that might help others in some way. Yesterday, I shared that somebody I know from my mental health community had died last year, and I didn't know. And it wasn't long after that other person from my community had died. And I didn't know that that person died. And these, these, these tragedies that happen these, these shortening of people's lives that happen are what motivate me to keep going. I remember reading that book, the grape care, and the lady was trying to carry herself with cancer with grapes. And she shared the struggle of her story and how, at one point she wanted to give up, but then she realized that she needed to live and succeed in order to help people. And at times, I felt like, I don't know if I'll be able to continue to go on, especially when I'm nearly about to end my own life by my own hands, I really don't know if I'm going to be able to keep going. And it doesn't even seem like it's my choice. But I'm still here, I'm still going. And it's sort of a slow go of a journey. But I feel like I need to figure stuff out enough to be able to stay strong in this type of perspective. Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking these bits of meaning to myself, that I've seen and created myself or I've created these perspectives and reframes and whatever you want to call it. And maybe one day, I'll just speak this way, and I won't write them down, I'll just be able to speak this way, in a powerful way to help other people and to keep the other paradigms away from people. So I spoke with my brain twin just, I just got off the phone, and he said he was struggling

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Today I'm going to try this product organic energy drink pilots friend fruit tonic. And it has a lot of caffeine in it. So I'm going to try it doesn't say whether I'm supposed to shake it or not. So I'm not going to in case it's a little bit carbonated. And here we go. I said Kraft. It says crafted in Italy by doctors for pilots. So let's see if I can take off today. When I try to talk to myself a bunch today. It's actually quite tasty. Fruit tonic, it tastes like fruit. I already had my yerba Mattei, which has caffeine in it too. And it is an easy switch from coffee to yerba Mattei. For me. I like the Waukee brand. He was featured on a documentary about sustainability or something I can't remember what documentary it was, Oh, it was the documentary with the guy who jumped out of the window and asleep or something. And he was said to have some kind of disorder and he woke up in the hospital with a broken bone and changed his life. I don't remember his name now. But anyway, he featured that company and I knew about them probably 10 years ago at the eco friendly show here and they talked about how at least at the time, their packaging was completely completely compostable and stuff and I've been drinking their yerba Mattei for years, it's a lot cheaper to buy it from them online in bulk. If you drink a lot of it, then then retail.

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I forgot to share an important part of the story, the sad story that I was sharing yesterday about a friend acquaintance of mine dying last year that I just found out about yesterday. And the interesting thing was, we're talking about this person. And then in the background, we're watching music videos, like retro music videos. And the video that was on. When we were talking about this person, which we saw after we were talking about them, or talking about how sad it was, the name of the artists, the first name of the artist on the TV music video was the same as the first name of the person who passed away. So then I said, Oh, they can hear us they're communicating with us. Yeah, whoo. So that was, that was cool. And everyone thought it was a neat way to look at it. So now that I talked to myself about how perhaps, the feeling of future consciousness of so called mania is his presence is eternity. Perhaps it's an algorithm of eternity and has nothing to do with future. So could be eternity consciousness. And then what happens when we go through the wormhole of brain algorithms, back to consciousness of self, which isn't creative, and it's actually non existent. So so the eternity consciousness is existence, whereas living in thought, and the feeling of having a separate self is illusion, or maybe Maya, as the Buddhists would say.

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