Bipolar Inquiry

Can't tell if, from the ocean when the waves come in, if a sound is reflecting off the leaves shortly after, or if the waves are sort of creating a wind that's making the leaves make that sound that is equivalent to the ocean waves. So I hear the waves there. And then I noticed I could hear the waves behind me. And there's this direct interplay between the wave sound and the sound that the forest behind me is making. And maple trees. That's the only name of a tree I really know except for pine, pine, and maple. But one doesn't need to know the names of things in order to appreciate them, might be easier to appreciate them when we don't know the name. we're so busy worried about what the names of things are, and we're not looking at it. But as the waves get louder, the sound of the trees gets louder, too. And it's really fascinating discovery, I don't know if it's, the change in pressure that's causing that sound of the leaves or the wind or no can't really be the wind because unless wind is slightly coming in, or the air is changing slightly with each wave. And the air is counting is carrying the wave sound and then it's reflecting off the leaves and coming back. Sounds like such a boring thing to talk about, right? But when I heard that, when I realized that it was really a remarkable thing. It's something that I could sit here and observe for several hours, just that one fascinating aspect of reality, and I would listen in such a way that some point, I'd understand how it worked.

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So I need to overcome my laziness, and cook. So I will do that. I'm glad that I broke the ice with that. And I'm sitting by the ocean, and doable bit of reading, I might do my coherence breathing with the heart math device that I got, because I'm not having very many calm minutes of breathing a day, according to spire, so something I could do to bring in the calm breathing. Could be a good thing. Not sure. I'm reading a book by Dr. Joe dispenza, called becoming supernatural. And I want a chapter where he's describing how Thought and Feeling can influence the brain and body. So he's talking about experiments where people were asked to imagine themselves lifting a weight or doing a bicep curl or flexing their bicep as hard as they can, every day for 15 minutes for 12 weeks. And I think they found that just by thought alone, they were able to increase their strength by close to 11%. And have a few things to say about this. One is that if that person was to actually lift a weight for 15 minutes a day, for 12 weeks, they probably would have gained a lot more strength than only 11%. And then also, if that person is imagining lifting a weight for 12 weeks, but then doesn't intend to actually lift a weight later on, they've just wasted a bunch of energy building brain cells and neural networks that they're not going to use. 

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When life doesn't conform to a pattern, and that's something that we see when we start having these so called extraordinary experiences is that reality doesn't actually fit the pattern that we've been imposing upon it and living by and I really feel there really is something to this relativity and consciousness thing. Like we, as we exist, now we exist relative to each other. We're all sort of in separate worlds. So then, depending on how our two worlds meet, that's how we manifest like the mathematics between the two. So we're sort of result of my conditioning meets your conditioning, and how that plays out. As opposed to the notion of the possibility of an actuality based on one mind and I feel that that's kind of what we go into when we Go into mania and everything works out so perfect. Because we're in this one mind, actuality, where things aren't dual. So whatever is within us, is immediately presented to us in actuality, because life isn't going to a pattern, it's going to what is there in the moment. So what is there in the moment within us, if it's a lot of energy, then a lot of energy comes towards us in terms of people and things and ideas. So I'm not sure about that. But I noticed that on Tuesday, Thursday, last week, I had a lot of calm breathing in 40 minutes plus, but I was stressed out like I wasn't calm. 

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I'm out doing a nice long walk I feel really tired today got really tired, pretty tired. And I slept 13 hours last night from like 9:30pm to 10:30am. And it's kind of good because this point in time and my bipolar biorhythm, I'd likely be sleeping like six to eight hours, which is very little compared to 12 to 13, or 10 to 13 hours. And then I get to a point where I can't sleep at all. And I've already had those blips where I couldn't sleep or couldn't fall into sleep. And I was able to take supplements to fall asleep. So I wonder if I'm even over the hump of the crisis, I could be in the post crisis follow up where I'm more tired and a little bit lower mood. And I did not drink coffee yesterday. And that probably has an effect too. I'm going to try and not drink coffee this week, just in case that leads to that sort of anxiety feeling. And I was trying not to take extra uppers like tyrosine or methyl full aid. But it might be a little bit hard to get through the week. If I don't take some at some point. I don't want to feel like really low. But I don't want to feel that anxiety feeling. So that anxiety feeling indicates that I haven't yet hit the crisis. So I really don't know what the best thing to do is. But I do need to remember that. This point in time, right now, this next month or so is really about navigating the crisis. And I'm a little bit distracted by other dynamics. But the thing is, during a crisis, those other dynamics kind of come in and are really distracting.

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I just saved a bee. And my mouth was frozen because I had some cavities filled. But I was walking out from the dentist, and there was a bee on his back going crazy. So I picked him up with my suntanning glasses. And then I drove down and I was gonna put them in the bushes here. So if he was gonna die, at least he could die in the dirt as opposed to on the cement on the stairs where someone was probably going to step on him. And I was taking a video of him with my macro lens. And watching him struggle for so long, I realized he's sort of struggling with this really small piece of fluff maybe I couldn't decide I couldn't figure out what else was wrong. And I used to have these like medical tweezers just lingering in my car. Oh, I probably have them. I probably have them in the trunk, but I didn't think of that yet. So I took out a pen. And he was on his back struggling so I sort of was just sort of like trying to pick this fluff off that I couldn't even really see with my eyes. I could only see it really with the macro lens, but I kind of knew it was there. And as I started to do that, I might have got the fluff and then he started to struggle and he was on his standing on his front and flailing instead of on his back. So I opened the door and then I did a bit more and I was pretty sure I moved the fluff or or got it and then he flew away. He just flew away. So that was so great. I really didn't think I could help that be at all. I just wanted to put him in a nicer place. But at least he got to fly. 

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When I was trying to go back to sleep, I was experiencing that kind of remote viewing thing. And usually that only happens at night when I'm trying to fall asleep the first time, but not in the morning, when I'm kind of waking up and trying to go back to sleep. So could be a sign that my brain is starting to go into altered states ish. And I felt a little bit of like, I wouldn't say they're like suicidal thoughts, but just a little bit, kind of, I think feeling the pressure of getting out of here might be good to go sooner rather than later, but two more weeks, and then I'm out of here. And I was also feeling a bit of weirdness around not talking to certain people. But usually when I leave, I'm on good terms, but I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. And my stomach's been bothering me. Yesterday, I started typing a blog post, and then I ended up typing 7000 words. And I think I fried my brain a little bit. There were parts of the day when I was typing, where I literally felt my body disappearing. And then I was remembering that I'm not supposed to be working on stuff like that, Oh, just one little quick blog post an update, and it turns into 7000 words. So I need to remember to go back to doing nothing, because this energy, if I put it into doing will augment that and I was making, I was writing an article about non doing, but then I did a lot of words.

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Something that just came to mind regarding possibly. Why in quotes, some people are a lot of people who have a history of trauma, then end up with something like so called bipolar. And one could say, well, it's partly because of unresolved trauma. And how do people often resolve trauma? Well, it's finding out who's to blame. And then maybe going after them in some way to make somebody wrong, such as via the justice system. So it's about punishment, punishing somebody. And it's possible that a lot of people don't go that route, for whatever reason, they don't have support, they don't want to, they're too afraid. It's not something that's punishable by law. It's a hard path to go. And maybe some people see the futility in that path. Or they feel it was partly their fault. So you know, sometimes people have these trauma backgrounds, and they end up going into a so called manic state. And a manic state is creative. And what I'm trying to say is, there could be a blessing in disguise in quotes in that going after somebody to punish somebody doesn't really resolve anything. It makes somebody right and somebody wrong. But this division of right and wrong, and somebody is good, and somebody bad, is all conflict and nothing The world is going to be resolved by conflict. And I'm not saying that to say like, there's no such thing as a crime or whatever. 

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This morning, I was supposed to go to an event. So I had my alarm set for 730. And I was so tired. Thing is because I take all those tranquilizing supplements, so I didn't get up, I slept until 10. I feel like my brain needs all the sleep it can get. In this morning, I took a tyrosine for the first time in a week or so, because I was feeling a little down. And I also took a methylfolate, because that has brought me up a little bit before. And I don't know if that's necessary, but maybe it's not necessary to feel down if one can take a supplement that gives the brain the building blocks to be a bit more up. And it's especially because I'm going to be around other people today. And I don't want to have like a negative brain state that might be able to be remedied by a simple remedy. Because that ripples outwards. So we'll see because sometimes that affects sleep. And I also saw the magical forest again last night, and I was able to look at it a bit longer, and there was more of it as well like more of the path. And I was able to look at it for more than just a glimpse, I was able to kind of like, be there and then like look around for a second. And then it withdrew. And I was wondering if it has anything to do with sensory deprivation, because when it happened last night, I heard this humming noise so I put on my ear muffs those kind of big awkward ones and I knew I wouldn't fall asleep with them on but I at least wanted my brain to settle down with quiet and then that was laying on my back and I saw the forest and I was able to look and so my my hearing was deprived and same was seeing like there was no light in that room it's complete darkness. And it made me think of like a float tank where it's dark and there's no sound and things like that.

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My plan today was foiled, I was going to go to the family constellation Meetup group, which is a seven hour meetup. And I left a little bit too late, I was thinking it would only take an hour to get there. But it was more like an hour and a half. And then I got stuck in even more traffic. And then I finally parked in the same place I did last time. And it wasn't $7.25 it was $23 exact same parking space and place. So I started walking towards the meetup, even though I was already over half an hour late. And that parking space is about half an hour walk from the place. And I parked there because I thought it was going to be $7.25. And the traffic was so bad, I couldn't go anywhere else after I parked. And then the street was being paved, and I couldn't even cross the street, going straight up or to cross to go over left, it diverted me right. And I'm like, Okay, I'm going to be past the hour. And last time she talked for the first hour and then once she starts the first constellation, it'd be pretty rude to show up and the constellation go out can go on for like an hour or maybe even two. So I don't want to stand and wait for that long outside the door. So I was like, screw it. And luckily I grabbed my rollerblades on my way out the door. And I just ditched the event. I sat and just chilled for a while outside for like an hour or so and then went back to my car grab my skates just went to my favorite place to skate. And I've already skated 23 miles. And when I started I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm tired. I don't know if I can even do this. And I've skated 23 miles with this is my second break, I took a first break pretty quick into it. And then I just skated for miles and miles miles. And now I'm taking a second break, and I'm thinking I probably shouldn't do another lap. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. Which is good, because the spire device says that I didn't have any calm time yesterday, and none so far today. So I think tomorrow would be good to be to have a calm day

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You know, you're in a bit of a time warp and consciousness when one of your apps reminds you that you have a blood donation tomorrow on April 17. When it's may 1. And speaking of may 1. Today, it would be my two year anniversary. Since I was released from the psych ward, I don't remember the exact date. I was released from the psych ward two years ago, but pretty sure I was out of there by May 1. And I think I can't remember if I was out of the step down from the hospital. Or if that was mid may think it was early May. So it's about two years now, since I've been hospitalized. And it's been a long and difficult at times journey. Yes, yesterday, I got my heart math device in the mail. And it uses an app called inner balance. It's much like the complete coherence app. But prettier, I guess. And perhaps a little easier to use. Because for the complete coherence app, I use a chest strap. So takes a second to strap that around my chest. And this device, you plug into your phone. They also have a Bluetooth one, but I thought the plug in was a bit easier.

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