Bipolar Inquiry

This is how strange insight is I've been thinking about not having inside and leaving inside alone and I was singing a little bit. And then realizing I was having an insight into how I'm waiting for the vibrato to come in. And it's not something I can do or Command now, but I can invite it and maybe it'll eventually happen. And then I was thinking about certain symptoms that I've had of like shaking and being cold and that sort of vibration. And then I had an insight into how maybe some symptoms can actually be signs of what our, our talent or gift was, or should have been, had we gone along that path, as opposed to going along a path of being mechanized and to some kind of function as a cog in the machine of society's commercialism. So I was having an insight into the possibility of how symptoms are, of suppose that illness are signs that might point to what our artistic gift was, and might have been. And still could be. And maybe talking about insights when I have them is good. That's why I'm just doing it now. And I haven't had a shower yet. I'll talk more later, I'm going to go back to singing while I have a few minutes of space to myself. finally made it out to the park. After procrastinating. I wanted to charge my spire and then put it on, but I forgot to put it on before I left. 

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Yesterday and last night was a rough night. I was triggered yesterday. And then I was talking to a friend after on FaceTime and got some distressing news that's not completely related to me, per se. But I don't get just stressed only by things that relate to me relates to her being human and sort of distressing unsolved news that relates to some details my life too. So, after talking, I just felt really, really disturbed by that. Really disturbed and I had trouble sleeping, and I felt so much pain in my body and fear for for this news that I heard. So again, life brought me back down to earth. And I still distressed by it, and I'm feeling kind of depressed today. And I didn't have a very good sleep, I think the sleep cycle shows I slept better than I did, because I was still awake at 130. And I had to get up and take one extra zinc and one extra sunflower lecithin, because I took one zinc at bedtime, and three, sunflower lecithin, so or maybe four, so I had to get up and take the fifth sunflower lecithin. And I did fall asleep. But I didn't go to that breathing workshop this morning. Because I would have had to get up at like eight or something. There's one again tomorrow. And I don't know if it's part one and part two. So my email to ask if I can go tomorrow if I sleep better. And I wanted to go and that's the thing like that happens is when I sort of hit the wall, there's some things I want to go to and then I don't get to go. And I feel like I can't go like last night I felt like Oh man, I just can't drive all that way. 

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It's either today or tomorrow that kyron a comet enters Aries. And I looked into it a bit and it looks like it enters Aries every 50 years, but it will be in Aries for nine years. And I'm going to talk about this more later. But today, I'm going to go and donate blood. kyron represents the wounded healer. And it's coming into my birth sign either today according to one website or tomorrow on my very birthday. But first reaching out to heal others who are in need of some blood. So I'm going to go do that. And then I'll come back and hopefully I'll get a chance to talk to myself more later. Chiron enters Aries blood lady just told me about a book club dirty jeans. Hello was a really successful blood donation. Papa Paul. And they also gave me this neat little three time donor thing, though, it was my sixth time. And I just saw a llama which is really cool. And last night I slept really well. I fell asleep right away, I only took one dose of the falling asleep vitamins and I didn't take as much as the night before I took one last sunflower lecithin I think I took less taurine. Hopefully, I won't have to take taurine at bedtime at all. So I am going to start to minimize that falling asleep stuff. But it's nice because for these last two days, and today that I haven't been taking the dopamine boosters, I felt tired at around seven or eight. I stay up later. But it's good to feel tired, because that'll help me fall asleep.

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So I did have to get up. Take more sleep supplements. And this is the thing waiting too many days now. I don't even know which day I did what? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I took the dopamine boosters had trouble sleeping. So then, yeah, that's right. I took a screenshot of the hour that I wasn't able to sleep. And then I got up, took the extra supplements. And I fell asleep. And I'm having trouble remembering what I took exactly it just it doesn't matter. I had to take more sunflower less than maybe tryptophan, glycine, taurine, zinc, probably not sync. And then I did fall asleep. So then on the 14th, which was Saturday, I didn't take any dopamine boosters. At all. I didn't take the rhodiola or the trip to the tyrosine. I probably took Magnolia bark, and that's the only one and I don't think I took the skullcap. So there's not that many dopamine boosters. Some of them work on a dopamine a little bit, some of the neuroplasticity ones. Okay, my brain is getting really confused. And I'm going to leave that first part in just to show that I'm losing track of everything. I think it was on the 13th that I didn't take dopamine boosters, at least I didn't take tyrosine. And on the night of the 13th. I did sleep well without getting up and taking the extra stuff. The sleep cycle app says I slept from 1108 to 805. And I had 87% sleep quality according to their algorithm, which is good.

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So today, I experimented with not taking any kind of dopamine enhancers. I didn't take tyrosine I didn't take rhodiola I didn't shine on the sad light, or the blue light. And I did take Magnolia bark, I didn't know that it acted on dopamine until I was doing a little bit of studying of the balancing brain chemistry protocols. So I did take Magnolia bark. And there might have been something else that I didn't take. And I also took 4000 milligrams of tyrosine or sorry, taurine this morning, as well as 18 grams of glycine, which is triple dose. And then I also had six grams of glycine and 4000 milligrams of taurine, half an hour, so before dinner. So I've upped the sort of calming amino acids and down the dopamine stuff. And I did that partly because of what happened two nights ago. But even more so because of what happened last night. Last night was crazy. It was absolutely crazy. I again, couldn't sleep. But I was trying to sleep. And this thing that happens that I didn't really think too much about a medicine something but it before happened where I close my eyes, and I can see this energy. And it's like I'm looking into something, maybe into everything I don't know, into like the dream world. And I can see all this energy sort of fluxing around and then sometimes it creates shapes and pictures and things. And then every now and then it sort of coalesces into a very clear picture. I can see like a person very clearly, or another person very clearly or a house somewhere

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Today, I got a lot done. And I was looking forward to talking about some of it. But just within the last five minutes, I really feel like my state of consciousness has kind of gone like and I'm not really sure why. So later on that same evening, I found a clue. This is a screenshot of an app called nature mood that I downloaded after watching the movie The solar revolution. And that sparked my interest in geomagnetic storms. At the top here, here's the geo index. And there is a geomagnetic storm coming up. It also has bio rhythms if you put in your birthday, it has millimeters and Mercury whether moon cycle and at the top the geomagnetic storm. So a G one storm is coming in these next few days and it'll be interesting to see if it has any kind of effect. That was the eighth and ninth 10th 11th 12th and maybe on there is geomagnetic activity so I find this really fascinating and I'm going to pay attention to this. Good news as though I found a mini cactus Look at this. Look at this baby. Squirrel water. What I wanted to talk about today was how I ordered a ton of supplements. What else is new, but I probably spent like maybe like 500 bucks on supplements today. But it's going to taught me up until the end of June. So with what I have now and what I bought, I should have enough for my crisis. And what did I order I ordered mostly from vitacost and I also put an in an order with I herb for these two per day. capsules and here's another bottle and I ordered the powder of this on I herb and I ordered one bottle of Cal brand lithium orotate because I ordered three bottles on vitacost three bottles is only a month and a half worth but they might think it's more than that worth. And I think you can only order three months worth Max, so I didn't want to chance it. 

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That's a really nice day. So decided to go for a walk in the park. And everything starting to bud or even some flowers. Spring is here. So have to keep that in mind to remember to get outside when I can. And I'm on day two of ketogenic, even though I've been doing it for a few more days than that, yesterday was the first day that I was really able to stay in my targets of fat and protein and carbs. And I'm doing good so far today, too. And I weighed myself today. And I'm 117, which is down two pounds from 119. So that is a bit of evidence that this might help for some fat loss. Not saying I'm fat, I'm not fat, but it's good to cleanse and get rid of some of the old fat every now and then. Because I'm not going to stick to this ketogenic thing forever. Maybe a month, maybe up until my next crisis, maybe only a couple more days, I don't know. And it looks so magical. And it feels kind of like, inside is coming back a bit. I wasn't sure if it would being on 50 milligrams of typing a day, but starting to write down some insights. So that could be a sign of dopamine getting higher. And I emailed Peter Smith to do another consultation with him to talk about his suicide remedy program, or anti suicide, it should be really remedies to help when this switch happens in my brain that makes me feel like I want to harm myself or in my life. And the last time it happened, I just felt like I was ending my life in my brain. But I was just laying there. And I was fully aware of that. But it was just agonizing. And then I had to go back on meds and it was such a long, hard journey. So wouldn't be planned better, and prepared better this time. And I also asked him in the email, since my cycle of eight and a half months is very predictable. If I could start tapering off the antidepressant stuff, that sort of pushes me towards mania a month before the crisis, and maybe if that lowers the dopamine, because in the past, I haven't been on these remedies, and it just seems to naturally get higher and higher

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For the lithium orotate, it came to mind that I could put my lithium orotate caps, the Swanson brown ones that look white in with a vial of lithium carbonate. So I took out the lithium carbonate, filled it with lithium orotate. And I only had 45 of the Swanson brand. And I need 60 to get through the month. So I took some of the Dr. Napier lithium orotate brand that looks kind of like aspirin and put up with my baby aspirin. So that reminds me I need to take those out. Because right now, I don't actually know if I took baby aspirin or another lithium orotate because I didn't quite separate them yet. So that's how one with the vitamins, because I had other stuff on there and it was gonna be like 30 bucks American, I'm like, How can I not spend this 30 bucks American right now. And I'm really glad to be here. This shows that even when there's months of real struggle that it's, again possible to make dreams come true. Whether it's international travel or whatever, there's always ways we have that creative energy and we can use that creative energy to create good situations when we're in good internal states. For now, not much to say it's being present. Can you hear something I wonder what it is? What extra bits did I end up bringing I brought my chest strap in case I want to do some coherence breathing and I haven't done that in a long time. Now I also brought my earthing shoe attachment and this might make me look a little weird, but this is somewhere I definitely want to be connected to the earth and have that energy go directly to my skin.

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And this can be a good day and a bad thing at the same time. Definitely spending more money, which is one of my sort of signs of being a little bit more than happy side. But I feel like I have it under wraps. I was going to dollarama, mainly to get a couple of things. Here's my list here. I wanted to see if I could get a better iPhone holder. Or if they had a two amp charger, plug, I need one for my external battery pack. And the one that I'm using belongs to a phone that I need to return. So I need to get that but they didn't have that. Then I saw these sporty dry bags for water sports to throw in your electronics and stuff different dollar am on my way out after I'd already stood in line for a long time. But they didn't have that I did get some double A batteries because I wanted to try it in my remote control for my TV to see if it works because the robots not really working. So I got that. And then I wanted to get some of these flat batteries because I have this cute little lamp. But the batteries were kind of corroded in here a little bit and I only have one of them. So I'm trying to decide if I want to bring this little lamp to California because where I am is sometimes kind of dark. So let's just get right to it to the whole perception action thing. So there are those. I don't think I grabbed the bottom to this. So I'll have to try that in a minute along with the remote control. And then I have these dumb slippers who only $3.50 add another pair that my mom got for me but I lost them. There was a power outage for a few days and I was wearing them then also I couldn't find them and my feet have been cold down in this new basement area. So I figured for $3.50 solve that problem because socks don't quite do the trick for some reason. 

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There are a couple of things I want to talk with myself about today. As I sit here in my beanbag chair that I got for $10 at Value Village. But to start with today was supposed to be a milestone day. And I know that because I marked it in my iCal, I was marking certain milestones when I was doing the micronutrient protocol, and hoping to be able to stay on micronutrients only, and no psycho pharmaceuticals for as long as I could. And today was the day I marked as eight and a half months with zero medications. And that would be eight and a half months on micronutrients only. And then I also marked it as 11 months since the last crisis. And I think I did that because I had some crisis like stuff when I was in California in I think it was late March, early April ish. And then yeah, so that's how it went. So enough, a half months, no medications micronutrients only, and then adding two and a half months. That's 11 months ago, there was a crisis at this point. But this isn't the way it unfolded, unraveled. What actually happened was it did unravel. And things unraveled for me in mid October, so October, November, December, January, February, four months ago. So I was able to do about five months on micronutrients only. But then I had a crisis at more or less eight and a half months since my last prices, blah, blah, blah, lots of different days. But had I been able to do micronutrients only up until this point, it would have been eight and a half months with only micronutrients. So I marked in my calendar, and here I am arriving at that day. But like I said, didn't happen that way. I went back on psycho pharmaceuticals in mid October of 2017. And it was a real struggle for a good three to three and a half months. And an even harder struggle than in the past. So I'm going to delete this event. Now that I've talked about it, because that's not the way it happened. And I've been on Seroquel since mid October, I'm only on 50 milligrams at night, which isn't too bad. And now I'm aiming for something different. 

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