Bipolar Inquiry

So today's moving day, I'll have a bit more space. I think it'll be a noisy space. I don't think with my hypersensitivity, I'll be happy with the space. But I also see my ungrateful bitchiness coming through. So we'll see how it goes, this mess will be, at least in a bigger space. The moving process is slow going. I think I strained my back a little bit. And I'm a little bit sick, I started to get sick yesterday, my throat, kind of a bit of a fever. But usually when I get sick, it's not too bad. And I haven't taken any brain guest rodon or CDP calling for two days because I ran out and I'm not going to replace them until closer to the time that I'm supposed to start going downhill again. When it seems my brain cells start to die back and go into past past stuff. And tomorrow will be the last day of CDP calling, which I'm also not going to replace because those three are kind of on the more expensive side. So to keep track, I made a note in iCal to buy them a month before the eight and a half month mark. And I'm pretty sure that mark is mid April. So starting the mid March or something like that, which isn't that far away. And the other thing I've been trying to do lately is relax my face. I'm getting this like big scour line, which not only is kind of icky, but it's sort of indicative of being angry or something. And I remember when I was in the hospital of April, in April 2016, when I was put on those anti psychotics, I was really holding a lot here and I took a picture of myself and it was really pronounced. And then I realized, well, I'm taking those anti psychotics every night 50 milligrams of Cotai been so that's probably contributing to that tension. So I didn't really think I was holding tension there. But I can release that tension whenever I put attention in that area, which is probably quite a few times a day just remembering to relax. And I find when I do that, when I relax, it's a little harder to open my eyes, I feel kind of like my eyes are looking down more and just relaxed. And then to actually lift them as harder than if I'm kind of like focusing and lifting my eyes. And why is this important? Well, how we hold our bodies kind of is mirrored and indicative of our internal state.

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As I've mentioned, within the last couple days, I feel like I've clicked out of the worst of the worst. The depression, the feeling suicidal, the not knowing what to do with myself next. So defaulting to Netflix and YouTube and staying in bed. And just now I kind of realized what the difference feels like, in a way. Because I was getting ready for the day. And I was stopped by this feeling of, Okay, I need to put on my makeup. But I want to grab the different types of lithium orotate, I have and show it on video. Oh, and I need to write this down. And I want to write this on my blog, all at the same time. So the brain goes from no possibilities, feeling like, I may as well in my life where it's painful. So I want to where I could to, there's five different things I could do at one time. I just had some probiotic. And also, when I was in the shower, I had the sense that it's possible that depression and mania are two different worlds. So I'm, I think I'm in a elevated state, slightly manic. Or I was just recently depressed. Or it could be that when I'm depressed, I'm in a different world, I'm in that sort of lower energy world. And when I'm manic, I'm in this other world. It's like two different worlds.

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I don't really think I need this coffee at 230 in the afternoon. That's so beautiful. A rare sunny day. Small morning, I did something drastic. I went and applied for a warehouse job at a really big company. And they're pretty much hiring on the spot. So I got a job, which is good, but bad thing is, it's nights. So I'll definitely be testing my ability to stay awake, and stay sane while trying to stay awake. And then I went and got a blood test lithium levels. And I'm on 900. And last time I was on 900, I had a result that was too high. So we'll see what happens this time. And then I did something else that was drastic, I decided to return my iPhone x. It's really expensive. And I could have sold my old phone for a decent amount. But thinking about how I'm going to be working in a warehouse, and realizing it would take me 100 hours to make up the cost of the iPhone. Doing that math makes me realize that I should return it I can always buy it again if I feel like I need it. But I didn't really think it was that great. Maybe because my mood Sox the camera, the camera was better, of course. Oh, it's going that way, don't worry. And the other thing cool that happened is that my car turned 200,000 kilometers old. So it's been a pretty eventful day. 

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But on another note, if one looks at Dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness, I think anger is the the level of consciousness right below 200. And anger is more powerful than the other states below like despair, shame, apathy, things like that. It's still below the level of 200. But the level of 200 is courage. So I do feel like I do have some of that courage, because I'm trying to go on with this. But there's still anger there. It's a mixed state of anger and some courage. So you know, then it goes to willingness, then it goes to reason, and it goes to love and it goes to joy. So I was probably at joy at some points in California, for sure. And that's what I think about with this bipolars it's going up and down the scale of consciousness. And so, now, if these amino acids could help, I'd be great. And I don't know if I said but just taking these few that I had already and having Little bit of an effect gives me some hope that maybe I will be able to navigate with these amino acids. And I need to change my attitude from that of being. This is going to work forever. Yay. I'm transcending and blah, blah, blah to how is it today? And if I can get some good days together, what do I want to do next with my life? If it's not yakking about transcending and things like that, and, and all the spiritual stuff. I think that world is there.

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I did three holotropic breathwork sessions and I'll try at some point to remember kind of what happened. But what's more relevant is that it really did do something especially the first one. I was a little bit tired after that. So I was maybe more lazy with the breathing but it was pretty cool and pretty sure it did a lot. Last night I couldn't fall asleep though. I was feeling that vibrating sensation big time and I don't know if it's because I took only half a Seroquel the night that night before. And then I was trying to take zero circle that night, just see if I could. But I couldn't I had to take half to get that my Brady sensation to settle down. I probably tapered off at too fast because on Tuesday I was taking three than I think I took two then one then half. So that's a pretty fast taper. So I'll keep going at half and I'll see if today later I get that by Brady sensation that's really uncomfortable. It's pretty hard to fall asleep when my whole energy field feels and body feels like it's vibrating. But I wanted to see how much I could take her off. And I might have to be on more of it when I get back home. Not sure we'll see. And I got to work on that thing for the business course. I really hope my brain will cooperate. That's part of why I want to taper off the Seroquel because my brain doesn't start to speed up again until I'm off Sarah call us usually

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So today is officially 18 months since I've been in the hospital. And before that I was in the hospital three times in 14 months, so I have gotten better at staying out of the hospital for sure. But definitely still struggling right now. yesterday and the day before, I didn't have to take any Seroquel during the day, I took two micronutrients twice. But at night, I'm needing to take three, Seroquel and 900 milligrams of lithium, and 50 milligrams of trazadone. And I still feel kind of shaky when I sleep. Don't feel completely safe. And I've been reaching out to the universe about holotropic breathwork. Maybe I'll take a trip to do some of that. I think I need to get rid of some of this energy in my body. And I'm also looking at Airbnb places in case I want to go and have some peace and quiet and don't really have the money. So I'm not sure maybe I should have spent money on something else than an iPhone. But I am trying to design a different life. But it's hard because I don't have the energy to move much. And I also was looking at vans, and I found a van that has a high ceiling. That is kind of a Junker. But it might be fun to fix up. But I don't think I'd have anywhere to park it is the problem. So yeah, I really don't know. But I feel like I've gone from feeling like Oh, I got my 25 years back to hopefully I can make it till the next day. And on medications again. So not having my 25 years back. So that contributes to this because I've failed with that mission. And also, I'm seeing that that might be because I have a totally different mission. Or maybe I'm not really meant to make it. I don't know. I feel like I need to do something to get rid of this program in my body that seems to want me to in my life

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So I thought I was through the worst of it when I made the videos at the park the other day, but I wasn't. So I still don't even know if it's a good idea to talk to myself. But I feel like I need a new life strategy than the one I've had this last year. So because this one has failed, I failed to talk myself out of the mental health system. I'm back on Seroquel, and I'm tapering myself onto lithium again. And not sure if it's a good idea to do this without the help of a psychiatrist. Yet I feel like it's hard to do stuff. So even making a call to make an appointment is hard. And then I can drive right down the far so I need someone's help to drive me. And so I feel like by trying to be strong, I've I don't know. And I haven't showered probably since the last time I made videos. And I was in bed all day yesterday. And right now I'm trying to color kind of like people do in the psych ward. And yeah, this has been really, really, really, really challenging. I feel like, now I just feel like I'm a bad person. Like I have a mental illness, but I'm the bad person. And the other day, I was sitting outside and talking to somebody and then somebody went away. 

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I'm spending some time in my favorite Park. And my brain is definitely in the past feels like lower levels of consciousness. It feels like a life review while alive. But more subtle, it's one thing after another, and then it's dropped. I find when I don't add a layer of judgment on it, and I'm with it, then it doesn't add up. It's not additive. It's there one thing after another, but they're not piling on top of each other, and creating a sense of a me that can do something about it. If I were to judge it, then that brings in the me doing something with it, which is judging it as challenging, and I find that my brain in the background is trying to figure out what to do with it, seeing that it can't do anything with it. But that it's still there, influencing every single thing my brain sees. So in that way, the brain is doing something with it and about it. And when there are these challenging things, the brain wonders if it will be able to handle it or go through this or what or if it'll give up. And there's all these paradoxes and loops, and there's no way to figure it out. Maybe part of figuring it out is figuring out what the causes. And I had the sense while I was folding up my Laura bar wrapper that if I was to think the cause of it, getting crumpled up was my hands. crumpling it up. I'd have to go back and figure out when did I put it in my purse? And then how did I get that box of Laura bars? I got it at Costco or Did someone else pick it up for me? And what else? So the causes there's no cause it's, everything's happening. So the brain is quite boggled. For some reason I was thinking of creating 12 steps to undo karma, which in a way is trauma, but realizing that one has participated with a lot of these things. And wondering why and wondering, will it avoid it in the future? And is that enough? Or is there something to going back into the past? And I did buy the tiger trauma book and the Bernie brown wilderness book and then this Tiger trauma book. I ordered through Amazon, a paper copy because it has a CD with it. 

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So one human brain restored. Takes, for example, X amount of dollars out of going towards the pharmaceutical companies, which in Canada comes out of the health care budget, which then comes out of people's taxes. And, of course, that is completely necessary one it is. But when one brain is reforested and again thriving and creating energy and living, creating and not living in this fear cycle which diverts money and resources to the pharmaceutical company, and people talk about in terms of cost to the economy. So, one human brain restored, Now, again, possibly contributes to the economy. And that's not really what's important. What is important is that a person isn't suffering as much, and they're not going to die 25 years early, imagine having a person alive for those 25 years. And not only that, but being a creative member of society. And just one person, I think has a power of, I don't know. So there's probably math behind doing something to calculate. Restoring one human brain to thriving is the equivalent of how many acres of forest or how many liters of ocean or something.

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I have quite a bit to talk about, but I don't really have much time to myself. So I'll see what I can get through last night. I didn't have any trouble falling asleep. Actually, when I was falling asleep, I felt something shift and click. And I felt like I was floating. And before that happened, I saw a friend of mine, in my mind's eye from California. And his smile just radiated to me and I smiled back. And I felt that energy of our connection, and I just felt like I was sort of one with him and his consciousness. And he's such a wonderful friend that I haven't thought too much of because I forget everything. But he was just so there and present with me. And I felt like I was floating. And one. And then at something like 330, in the morning, I had that scary heart thing happen where I wake up. And it was this sense of panic, I would call it. And if I were in California, it might be something that would make me take a Seroquel. But since I'm at home, I got up and I took a vitamin C, lipids, ferric, vitamin C packet. And then I put on some Krishnamurti audio and just listened to that and fell back asleep. And yesterday, I was doing some reading, and I was thinking about how, before I was ever labeled with mental illness, I was in this kind of process for two months. And at some point, eventually, I couldn't handle it. And that might happen again. But I'm seeing that in all the years leading up to that transformation that was turned into a mental illness. I was doing all that kind of reading. And then I got transformed into mental illness. So I've been focusing and reading and learning about different perspectives and talking about this along the way. But I realized yesterday, if it was a transformation process, I need to start reading about some of these maps of transformation again, because I've been spending a lot of time making my own context and meaning in order to move myself out of the mental health paradigm. But I'm sort of lost in my own map making process. And there are other maps for transformation. And I don't know if that's what's happening, for sure. But I'd rather assume that then assume that it's returning symptoms of a mental illness. 

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