Bipolar Inquiry

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I did so much again today. The days feel really long. The sense of time is different. And what did I do, I got a mailbox for a year. And then I put that address in MailChimp, I bought another four boxes of the lighthouse ferric vitamin C. So that was about 150 bucks, the mailbox was about 150 bucks. And I bought some tickets to Boney m, and Abracadabra. And that was about 120 bucks. And I'm booking my trip to the island, my little retreat. I didn't pay for that today yet, but I'm going to pay for it tomorrow. That's 160 bucks, plus the ferry, I'm spending a lot of money. And I'm thinking of buying that private video embedding plug in. And that's about 150 bucks. So, good thing I'm going back and doing a bit of peer support stuff to be able to fund these kind of shenanigans. Tomorrow, I'll likely book my retreat and pay for it and book, a forest bathing walk. And my schedules really filled up. And I wrote a long email reaching out to a neuroscientist at muse. I reached out to someone who's part of ecpr. And I spoke with the job opportunity that I was talking about. And they offered me a full time job. And I said I had to think because all of a sudden, all the lifestyle design elements here are falling into place. And I feel like I need to give them a chance. Plus, I'm newly on to the micronutrients. And I do want to see if they can prevent crisis for nine months before doing a big major move. So we'll see, I think part of my decision will be depending on if I qualify for this business class that's going on in November here. Because if I do, then it might be a good idea to take that course and learn a little bit about starting a business. Because it's a course for people who are labeled with illnesses or have other factors that make life challenging sometimes. So it would be free. So yeah, so much going on. And the days feel long and full of a lot of different things. I feel like I did so much today. Got so much done. And then here I am sitting at the park. feeling like I could just sit here forever and it feels like right now is forever. And tonight, I will again use my muse headband. 

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This is my third day on juice and kombucha only. I'm feeling really good. I feel like maybe I have an allergy to some of the food that I've been eating on a consistent basis. But last night, I actually felt really crappy. Though during the day when I was at the park making videos, I felt really good. So think I'm just rediscovering and learning about myself. When it comes to hormones, when it comes to how people around me make me feel, or different combinations of people, places times. Today, it feels fascinating. Yesterday, I felt like I can't be around people. I have to get out of the house now. And I went to the park and I was good. And then I went back home and I felt like I can't be around people. So I went to Walmart. So yeah, three days, two and a half days on kombucha, and carrot juice, and juice. I've been doing juice only and kombucha only the last couple days. So I just grabbed a few juices from booster juice to keep it going. Because I didn't have any carrots to make carrot juice. So we'll see what happens and how long this lasts because I'm feeling pretty good today. Yesterday, in the afternoon, I was feeling quite awful. So we'll see how it goes. And today I'm feeling good. And I had energy and I was being creative. I set up my Square Reader a little better, I put it as sink rivercity wellness, and now I carry it with me as a prompt to see where I might be able to use it. And I started printing a sinker versity Wellness brochure, I fixed the podcast link on my blog to actually sync up with my SoundCloud and I created a blog post with the zendo project training video and manual. And I put a sticker on my car, I got gas, I got more carrots, and ginger for making juice tomorrow, I got three juices up booster juice, because I didn't have anything to make juice and I wanted to go out, I did forget my iPhone charging cord. So I can't sit and do stuff on my phone unlimitedly because I could run out of battery. And then I wouldn't be able to sing on the drive home. And that would be tragic. And I bought a song automatic flowers by our lady peace and added it to my singing playlist, along with Superman's dead which I already had. So I'm noticing that there are states where I can get a lot done just one thing after another. And then sometimes I feel like I can barely move and just waiting for that sensation to pass and wait for the next wave of creative action without premeditation. And I have a big long list of things to do that I made while I was swimming in California. And I just looked at it now and it says thrower coming off party. So I think I'm going to throw myself a coming off party when it's the nine month mark off meds in mid February. 

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Okay, so quick video, maybe not that quick, I don't know, maybe I will talk as fast as a medic, because that's something a manic would do. And this morning, the theme has been state change because I was in one space in my mind, and then with a little bit of coffee. And I went into my song list on my iPhone, and then I just would scroll like that. And it was just going like that, and I put my finger on it. And it was a sub base. And it was their newer ish CD. And for some reason, a sub bass makes me feel really happy and kind of manic. And I remember buying that CD and then ending up in the hospital A little while later. And I felt like the songs on there really resonated with me, there's one about going to California, and then I did end up going to California for so their music is just on my wavelength, that's kind of fun and silly. And the other thing that might have changed my state a little is I was wearing these shorts while I was drying my hair. And these are shorts that I found the very first time I was manic on the ground, and I kept them just simple Adidas shorts. And I was singing to a space too. And it feels like ever since I talked to a friend of mine a few days ago by Skype, and we're talking about how when we interact with people, there's a possibility of passing on our gift and, and passing on some beauty or something. And ever since then I feel like I've been able to sing slightly better. I don't know if it's true. And also, I feel like this sore throat that I've had and and it's still going on actually is the tissue in my throat, reorganizing in disguise. And that's something that I could say is I'm not sick, it's my throat tissue and vocal cords reorganizing slightly, so that I can sing better in the future. Because I really did want to sing when I was a little kid. And I was always afraid to and I couldn't sing at all. So that's something I want to work on, or play with, I should say. And I remember meeting this really spiritual type Jesus looking guys six years ago, and I was in Santa Barbara. And when I came back, he emailed me and he said, Have you started singing yet, and we had this really long I stare thing happening. So I think he was trying to pass on that. Sort of like the passing on that gift thing that a friend of mine and I were talking about recently. So I've been considering magical things like that within the last half an hour. 

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And I remember talking to myself about creating this as passive advocacy, so I can just move on to something else. And I'm feeling that today. And I might still talk to myself on video, but I do want to move on to something else, maybe making shorter, better quality videos then rambling on, which was an important part of the process. But I don't know how important it is anymore. And the self dialogue really has been my one thing. And I talked about how I read on Steve pavlina, his website that sometimes it's good to have a one thing and I read that on his website after I'd already been doing this for probably eight months. So really has been my one thing. And in terms of wrapping up my one thing, since I've been a little bit under the weather these last few days, I've spent time at home, organizing my videos, so I made a Google Sheets, spreadsheet, and put all the video dates in as well as the time length, and then all the links to the audio videos, and then a separate one with all the links to all the video videos. And this is helpful right now because I'm backing up all my videos from iCloud onto an external hard drive. And the easiest way to find the right video in the proper order is to use the time. So there was a reason for all of that not just being really organized, because I'm not that organized with it. But I saw that it would be helpful. So I did that. Plus, that way I have all the links. When I decide to post them to my blog or something, I can just go into that spreadsheet and look for the link as opposed to going into YouTube, which is kind of chaotic, with so many videos in there and so many different dates. So now it's organized for possibly sharing it. So even though I'll wrap up the conversation with myself, perhaps I'll share about sharing it at some point, I don't know, when there are a few things happening in the next couple of weeks where my life could really change in one direction or another and I'm not sure which way to go. One way could be a job. And that would take a lot of my time. So that would be a reason to not talk to myself so much, I won't have the time. And the other is just creating the business, which I could still do anyway. 

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I'm a little bit under the weather today. And it's not too bad considering it started yesterday, I just feel a little bit clogged up in my throat. And it'll probably linger for a week. And yesterday, it was quite painful to swallow. And, yeah, it's getting better. I've taken a lot of vitamin C. And I was going to talk to myself yesterday and make a bunch of videos, but I decided to hang out with some friends. Instead, I need to remember not to neglect my relationships. And I've been pondering that the last couple of days. And it is harder because I'm further away from my friends where I'm living right now. So when the opportunity is there, and the traffic won't be that bad, it's important to make an effort. And also being aware of interacting with family. And yeah, that's in my awareness more, because I'm back home now and around people that I know and care about yet, at the same time struggling just because I don't have much of my own space. So I don't want to let the situation mess up the relationships. And I've also noticed my cycle of hormones is more prominent. So being aware of that, interacting with everything as well. I didn't really get PMS when I was on, on the segments, and they do actually prescribe psych meds for people who have really strong PMS symptoms. Because it actually does suppress them. So now it's getting reacquainted with my natural rhythms, which were quite strong, even before I was ever diagnosed with anything and and I was aware of them. So I'm remembering what that was like. So yeah, this is learning to navigate in daily life with with feelings and emotions and sensations and perceptions and relationships and interactions and situations that aren't being modulated by some kind of chemical drug in my system. So yeah, that is a learning process. 

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And I feel like our non volitional altered states have a similar role to play. Yet we haven't come together to unfold what that is. And I could be wrong about all of that, but it will make an interesting journey. I don't know what I'm talking about, though. There is some kind of magic out there or in here.

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I'm having trouble with lifestyle design right now. And people are starting to notice. Namely, my family, because I'm living with them. And I'm feeling like, I just don't have freedom of movement. So if I read something or write something, and I feel energy to maybe create a video or something, I don't have the space and quiet in order to do that. There's a TV going on the other side of my wall, or there's people walking overhead. And I'm finding, I'm really sensitive to all of that right now. And so it's a challenge. And I just feel partly like, being away for so long. And then coming back, I really just want to get into being able to create what I want to create. Because I couldn't necessarily do that. while I was away, and also I did get to create what I wanted to create while I was away, I ended up coming off my meds. So to be back, and then just sort of sit and vegetate isn't resonating with me. And I find it hard to read or think if there's a TV going on the other side of the wall. So I'm attempting to cohabit. But it's really challenging. And it's only temporary until I go back to the other place or whatever. But even for now, it's challenging. So it's making me ponder some things that I've read about stoicism after watching a talk by Tim Ferriss. And there's a guy I think his name's Jamie holiday, and he wrote a book. Or at least a chapter in a book called the obstacle is the way oh my gosh, it's a hummingbird. I don't know if you saw the hummingbird. But that was really exciting. So it feels like an obstacle in my living situation. That's temporary. But it also was teaching me what I can live with and what I can't. So when I go to my next place, I have to keep in mind that I can't necessarily live in a hollow apartment building where there's going to be TV noises on every wall. And I'm just feeling more comfortable in general in nature, in California was just full of nature and beauty. And I had a small space for my personal space of living. But when I went outdoors, it was just like being in a park was like living in a small room in a park. Whereas living in a small room, in a basement of a house is feeling quite stifling in a way. It's good, because I will get out of the house. And that that's a good thing to do while the weather is still nice because it's going to get really, really rainy and cold within a relatively short period of time. So in terms of the obstacle is the way I'm seeing my living situation as an obstacle, but it's also allowing me to question how to design my life moving forward. And even something as simple as getting that battery pack is really helpful. So that helps with being able to be out and about and mobile. So it feels good to keep moving. And perhaps part of what feels stifling is that I can't just talk to myself when I want to. Because there are people around and they don't know that part of it. I didn't say that. I talk myself on video. So I need quiet and I need to be able to think and I need space. And this leaf is really cute. 

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I'm going to try and remember what I want to talk about. Yesterday, I did some more of the Muse meditations, I did a couple of them. And I did it later at night. So I noticed that I was able to stay in the neutral or calm space. For most of the time, I only spent three seconds in an active brain state. They have three categories active, neutral, and calm. And I was neutral or calm for about half the time. So this app is showing that my brain is actually quite calm. And I'll show those results I earned. I think I earned 13 birds, I can't remember, I'm not looking at the picture right now. But I will show the picture. And I got more complaints than usual. And then, after I did that first time, I tried it again, because I wanted to see what would happen if I was looking at my computer and typing on my computer when I first started just for comparison. So I did that. And I noticed that the app was giving me really stormy weather sound. So I knew that my brain was likely active. So I didn't want to waste the whole session. So then I just sat in the calm space. And notice that my brain went into the con. So I will show that just to compare that. Yeah, if my eyes are open, I'm looking at the computer, my brain is active. But if I close my eyes, and I'm calm, then my brain calms down. And then for the next challenge, they want me to do a seven minute meditation. So I will do that tonight. It's getting late, so it's quieter. That's a better time to do it. Because otherwise, any little noise could potentially distract my brain. And then I was looking at the Muse monitor app. And then I noticed for the first time that I could actually take a landscape screenshot of the data that it was showing me. And so when I did that, I actually noticed there was another line. So in the vertical screenshot, it just shows 40 hertz and 56 hertz. So I remember when I showed that once I guesstimated, one of my little amplitude bars in gamma at about 53 hertz. But when I actually took the landscape screenshot, I noticed that that bar that I was wondering about was about two thirds the way between 48 and 56, which means that that band actually was 54 hertz. It wasn't 53 hertz. And so I googled 54 hertz, and I came across this YouTube video. And it's called 54 hertz, Ascension frequency. binaural beats synchronicity with sacred geometry, quantum string 432 hertz, and it shows a little calculation underneath the video. It shows 432 hertz divided by eight octaves. And it says 54 hertz being the fundamental frequency of the quantum string, in this primordial by neuro beats sound template. And then it gives a bunch of other information. So it's calling 54 hertz, the fundamental frequency, and something about an ascension frequency. 

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I'm definitely feeling more blocked as the days go on. I think it's a good idea to get out of the house. I feel this discontent, like just living in a room in a basement suite. And waiting for some kind of security isn't good enough. And yesterday, I watched a TED talk by Tim Ferriss called why it's important to map your fears or something about fear setting. Why fear setting is more important than goal setting. And I recommend that for sure. And I'll probably listen to it again, and attempt to map some of my fears, because there's definitely some fear preventing action right now. And after watching that, I felt like inaction is more costly than action, even if there is some fear there. So I think I'm just going to start some kind of business even though I don't know what I'm doing. Because the cost of that would just be perhaps, the waste of money involved in the process of setting it up, which isn't that much, I don't think. And I could learn a lot along the way. And I also made a playlist today called Omni polar consciousness. And I think I'll add videos there that I watch and that I feel like are good to watch again, for myself or maybe for other people, because a lot of people say some really good stuff. So why repeat what they say obviously wouldn't repeat what they say I might extrapolate a little bit on what they say. But I don't want to do too much of that because I also came across a website called daily stoic, calm. And I came across this website because Tim Ferriss talked about stoicism. And I know the word stoic, but I'd never really heard of stoicism so I looked it up. And it's interesting, because it says that it's more about action than words. So to me, it's a sign that I need to get more with action than with all these words. And I think I'll still say words, but there needs to be action. So forget about all the words that I'm typing up for later. And just say words, but related to the actions I'm doing now, what I'm saying is, I created too many words to actually catch up with it.

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