Bipolar Inquiry

So I don't know how I'm going to deal with this TV noise. Today is officially two months off medications. And I'm feeling pretty good. But right now is the time I have warned myself about which is PMS time. So I'm feeling a little bit like how am I going to get through these next months, living in a small room with a TV going on the other side of the wall. And I haven't been exposed TV in many months. And I'd forgotten how much I dislike hearing it going on and on through the wall. And a lot of it's bad news. And there's just stuff that I don't want to hear all the time. It really bothers my nervous system. But it seems like I have a little bit of space from that right now. So I'm going to talk to myself. And yeah, two months off meds. Not sure how I'm going to do this next while I just don't really have open space to just talk to myself whenever I want unless I figure something out. A little less conversation a little more action. All this aggravation and satisfaction in me. That's what the lyrics say online. I didn't know satisfaction was a word. And I don't know if that's what is said in the song, but it's what it says online. Right now I'm struggling with what action to take. I maybe just want to keep talking to myself. And that's the action I want to take. Which isn't really action, but I don't know what else to do. I feel kind of trapped. And I need to slowly get in tune with a new epigesturetics matrix. My epigesturetics matrix from California is now gone. And I'm feeling it. It was different to just walk outside in nature and so much quiet so much darkness so much beauty. So it's taking some adjusting for sure. And I don't know if I will be able to adjust, I might need to find a way to get my own space sooner than I was planning. And I forgot to include my first grocery shopping video, trying to get some healthy food, whether or not I spend time making that healthy food is another story. 

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There is something however, though, and I don't talk about this too too much I don't think but the real I don't want to say the real but there's something to thought to the fact that bots kill us. And it's not my thoughts killing me. It's, there's this thoughts fear of all these means. And they're tied into our physiology and they're going through our nervous system and causing emotions and, and then we need something to relieve those emotions. So we react and we try to do something to, to get rid of it. And I feel like maybe sometimes I have a bit of an easier time because I did work quite a bit before I was ever labeled who have a clear and quiet mind. And it's not always that way. But I don't have any commentary going on in my mind and my brain on a regular basis, at least. And I'm wondering if that meditation headband will help me show that in some way, like, if thoughts are correlated with beta, and then I do that meditation band, even when I'm alert, and there's no beta waves or very little, then it might be able to show that to some extent, or to show what brainwaves can be possible during a waking and alert state, yet not have this hyper vigilance of thought going on all the time. So when I do have a torrent of thoughts, in something like a so called psychosis, it's very intense. But that's not there all the time. So I don't have to spend every day reacting to it or trying to pacify it. It's only when it is there. Every it seems like six to eight months. 

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As a transconscious person with acquired highly sensitive person hood, I really like traveling by train. I just wait on the platform, I just hopped on the train. No arriving two or three hours early. No security checks. No waiting for the airplane to take off, which I don't like no getting on this tiny little airplane that's going to be flying up 30,000 feet in the air. And I can do it. I don't mind it. But when I have the time, I just like to go nice and slow. And there's lots of leg room. It's gonna be a very nice ride. I downloaded some movies from Netflix. And I subscribe to a 30 day trial of Kindle unlimited. And I bought a book called 1000. Number 1000 by Rama jesh or something. And so read some of that. And I have access to Veronica to galva book or whatever her name is through the Kindle unlimited. So I might read some of that, I might try and organize some of my notes. So when I go home, I can talk about them. And I got some snacks for the train. I was thinking I might fast on the train. But I don't want to stress my body out any more than just the transition back home. And hardy nutritional said don't do anything that can be too shocking to the body. So I'll just continue to eat junk. And I also got this two of them and a bunch of these raw revolution bars. I'm pretty sure this is my favorite brand of bar. But they changed the packaging and they no longer sell it where I'm from. And they didn't have the flavor that I really liked, which was cinnamon raisin it basically tastes like a cinnamon bun, but it was a raw vegan bar. So I grabbed some of these. And I got one of this kind. And I have some water. Because snacks on the train are kind of expensive. It's around $5 for a bag of chips and water. And for some reason I feel really thirsty on the train. I drink a lot of water. And last time on the way down, I brought a bunch of food bars. But then I was craving salt and I didn't have any chips. So So this time I'm prepared. I got myself I got my sweet, I got my juice, I got my water. And now it's just a matter of if I can carry all of this I will have to get off the train and board the bus to Canada and then get off the train with all my stuff at the border. And that's going to be heavy. And that'll be all she wrote. So I'm on my way back and in less than a couple days I'll know if I will have done it. If I will have gone to California and reach my dream of getting back and also reaching the dream of tapering off meds and seeing how that integration period goes. I really hope it all goes more than smoothly. The train is coming. Which is tempting. This guy needs to be read to pharmacy. You told them at a table with my medicine you told me to take you to take them with the menial. 

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I came across a tweet this morning by crest, B, D. And they were talking about a new study that's coming out, or that they're starting on bipolar disorder, titled, do ambitious, and exploratory behaviors drive creativity in bipolar disorder in search of a mechanism. So they're searching for a mechanism of creativity, in bipolar disorder, in order to better support people's strengths or be more strengths based in somebody's recovery. And that sounds lovely. But I kind of wonder, is there a mechanism to creativity? Or is it that we're so mechanized as a humanity, not as one person with bipolar disorder or whatever, but it's sort of flabbergasting for someone to have something called an illness, a mental illness yet have this gift, this real capacity for creativity. So maybe by discovering a mechanism, they can support people in their recovery. But I don't know. If creativity can be mechanized, or if it's something that I'm not sure what I'm saying, but we're so mechanized as human beings, into functioning in society. And so many of us have lost our creativity throughout our lives. If we're even in touch with it at all, though, we likely were as children. And since creativity is so repressed and under expressed, because we're so mechanized as human beings, it's overexpressed in a few individuals, relatively few. And then they're said to have this mental illness called bipolar disorder yet, how is somebody with such a disorder? Such a defect, such an illness to be so wonderfully creative at times? So what is that all about? What is the mechanism? What in my mind? We were all wonderfully and perfectly creative as children, before we were mechanized. And then, as a mechanized adult, we look at people who have broken out of this mechanism or, or temporarily break out of this mechanism and are restored to natural, innate creativity and say, Well, what is the mechanism? When perhaps we need to look at the mechanisms that prevent us all from being that creative. It just seems to be the state of amnesia, and it's all that we forget how we came here as human beings, and it says, Do ambitious and exploratory behaviors drive this creativity. Well, we had ambitious and exploratory behaviors as children. And why don't we all have ambitious and exploratory behaviors, and if we all did, maybe a few relatively few wouldn't need to overcompensate for this because we are one consciousness. So if there's a natural capacity in humanity as a whole that is not unfolding and manifesting and expressing as that energy of creativity, then it's going to break through in some, because our brain is so full of mechanisms that block the creativity. 

creativity, creative, energy, nervous system, create, functioning, bipolar disorder, mechanism, problems, people, bipolar, glimpse, structure, learning, moving, explore, ego, mechanized, life, drive

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I'm definitely feeling this extrapolative tension, this tension to extrapolate. And that happened because I've been getting some synchronistic emails in my inbox. And I'm sure all of us have experienced this. But it's nice to have the subtle synchronicities from the universe, these subtle messages in disguise of benign emails from people that are on their mailing list. And today, I was listening to something because I got an email from Dabney Alex, and I'm on her mailing list, as she was the woman who organized the shades of awakening summit, online summit on mental health in 2015. And I listened to all of it, and it was really good. And I did talk to her once on the phone. And I wanted to utilize some of her services to try and start something. But then I ended up in the hospital. And then that was my really bad hospitalization. So anyways, I didn't, but I read her email. And before I get into that, because I'm really, really not into linear logical order at all. I just want to share that I was editing my last video and I talked a lot about reaching my dream of being back in California. And I didn't even mention because I'm that forgetful that I reached my hugest dream of all which is to be medication free. And to be even more nonlinear. Two weeks today, I will be home from California, because I'm taking the train. So it'll take about two days on the train. So two weeks from now, today, I will be waking up at home. And so yeah, the biggest dream was really to taper off these meds. And I've been able to accomplish that. And I think that I feel a lot of the changes. And I could talk about the changes and I have along the way. But perhaps just going through this year, it's easier to see the changes. And maybe now that I'm off the meds, it's going to be easier to be the change that I wish to be as Gandhi might say. And so the messages I've been getting to my inbox are interesting because they're all about sort of speaking up. And Dabney shared that she listened to this Ted Radio Hour about speaking up. And so I read her article and how the first woman in that podcast she speaks up about being queer in a country where basically, you could be tortured for that. And so it's just interesting, because at some point, I will want to share and I'm seeing that maybe I'll want to unfold some of this movement towards sharing because it is challenging, and I could actually go out there and get someone to help me figure out what to share what not to share, when to share, why to share, why not to share, etc, etc. Or I could just really unfold that for myself, which is something I've been doing all along is just unfolding things for myself and, and moving into that understanding. Yet at the same time, we're all connected so people send messages to each other and whatever salient we can pick up on. 

talk, share, unfold, acceptable behavior, ted radio hour, feel, speaking, meaning, email, unacceptable, dream, dabney, moving, messages, understanding, salient, helpful, framed, extrapolate, powerful

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And then I said something to myself on video that scared me. It actually created this visceral fear response. And I could feel this fear energy just pouring out of my, my chakra I don't know, the belly one, what's that called? Like the power center, not the heart, the navel or something. And it was so intense. And then it sort of spread down my legs and through my whole body. And I just felt so afraid. And it was so obvious that I had made my nervous system weak. And what I said on video actually deleted. I was like, I can't say that. Because it felt like a premonition and felt like a prophecy or it felt like inviting that into my experience or increasing the likelihood of it being a possibility or maybe it is actually going to happen. And so just by seeing it and saying Oh, but I'm okay with that. And then seeing my body's response, it was almost like I'm not okay with that. And I don't know if I'm not okay with saying that. I'm not okay with having that as a premonition or a possibility. Or that that's going to happen in this life or that it happened in a past life. This is where fear can open up. This sort of nonlinear interpretation is happening now. It was just something I said that made me afraid, but it made me afraid of something in the future or something of the past possibly, and I don't know which. 

entropy, fear, nervous system, naproxen, vitamin c, feel, cramps, energy, pain, broke, nutritionals, transferred, move, understanding, gesture, chaos, processing, bit, release, body

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And I just got a phone call from my brain twin, and found out that for the last two weeks, he hasn't had his independence. He's in the psych ward. And I don't really know the American system very well, but something about a 15 day hold, and then 30 day hold possibly after that. And more even I don't know. So I'm going to go down and visit him next week, and also drop off the electric car that he lent me. And I'm just sort of wondering what can be done to start to create some of these medication free respite centers, because without them, we just get funneled into the mental health system, and he's getting injected with medications. And it's pretty hard to taper off that when one is having people inject things into someone. I had control over my medications, and I was able to taper off of them. But if I was being injected, and someone's driving me there to get my injection and things like that, or I'm in the hospital getting injected, it's pretty hard to make a self directed choice to not be on them. So I really don't know what to do. And maybe I can kind of hope that sharing some of this journey I've been through has shown a little bit that there is a need for those sorts of things because I was able to stay out of the psych ward in January because I had all the wonderful relationships at the clubhouse. And they sort of acted as a one day temporary respite for me to gather myself enough to go and stay with my family and just sort of medicate myself with extra Seroquel without having to go to the hospital and be re traumatized by that. And maybe get a doctor that would drug me up on something that I didn't want. But this way, I was able to just take extra Seroquel for a week or so and then go about my life. And then I managed to get to California because of that. Whereas that crisis happened on something like January 23. 

clubhouse, respite, medications, system, create, talk, psych, week, drugs, california, relationships, seroquel, support, hospital, center, stay, supportive, dialogue, people, ward

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I'm at the beach and that lady, right? by those crows, hind me right there. That lady there, she's completely white hair, gray hair, she must be 65 or 70, at least. And she's just got her little body surfing board or whatever they're called. And she's just playing in the waves. And it's just one of the most enlightening things to watch. There she goes, again, to catch another wave right there. I did take a video, I might include it. I don't like to include videos of people. But this is just a beautiful example of play and being in nature. And there she is. So she just dove in. And then she gets back up. Well, the wave kind of crashes against her. She's still just going, she says, Oh, she knows these waves. Well, there's a woman over there. white hair. She's just out in waves and watch what she does. I want to do that. I'm here at the beach today, because I only have two more weeks after this to just play and have fun. So I'm going to focus more on that. 

pms, medications, nervous system, people, feeling, beach, stronger, nutritionals, doses, horses, meds, naproxen, waves, cramps, quarter, test, called, extrapolations, mountain, consciousness

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Because I'm seeing a few things. And I'm not sure if they're true, but I'm seeing that hitting the ceiling, or really getting to the edge of beyond one's previous perceptions, really, pushing the boundaries of what has been perceptible to this particular individual can cause one to really bottom out. And it's happened to me numerous times before, and the bottoming out is usually some kind of crisis and that energetic, scary feeling in my heart. So yesterday, I was tired, I took a nap. And today, I was tired, too. And I was trying to nap and I was laying down and my brain was sort of active still, but I was partly asleep, and my brain really saw that we are the world or as Krishnamurti says, I am the world and the world is me. And my body got just a tiny bit freaked out like, ah, like, what do I do with that? What do I do with seeing that, because the brain is used to operating based on I am the ego, and the ego is me. So there's a little bit of fear, because how does one operate in this world based on one mode of operation and, and then start to see this other mode, and that mode gets warped into something that is not really what it is. And I've had a lot of insights into that today. And I don't know, if I really want to go into them. I've also had an insight into how this is sort of like sea sickness. But instead of SCA s E. Not that it's a sickness, I just thought using the word seasickness is kind of funny, because one is almost made ill by how much one can see. And I'm not talking about ill in terms of mental illness, but it's just difficult to know how to navigate when one feels like they see a lot more than what we're conditioned to see. So in saying that, I feel like I've been talking about embodying versus just having dialogue, which is sort of more of a mental activity. And going from seeing to being so a lot of my energy going through my brain is diverted to perception and actually seeing into things and seeing more and unfolding things and then talking about it, and I've sort of made myself not one dimensional, but that is the main way that this other energy is being utilized to perceive. But if I could see that, maybe I've seen enough. And I think that's what happens sometimes when I hit the ceiling is I've seen enough and the brain sort of reacts by retracting back down to quite a low level of consciousness, which happens in a way because what one sees when one sees too much can be scary, it can really show the brain how all of this works. 

brain, talking, feel, perception, moving, krill oil, nutritionals, technology, singing, body, embodying, energy, sing, wanting, thinking, writing, bought, world, rest, possibilities

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Today marks the one year mark of talking to myself in self dialog, yay, celebrate. And I didn't even call it self dialog when I started self dialog, I just started talking to myself. And I feel like this next year could be about self embodiment. And not just self dialogue, though, through self dialogue, I was able to embody certain things, getting to California coming off medications, and I feel this will be more of an embodiment, because that energy will perhaps create a certain embodiment that's different from embodying someone attempting to get out of this forced embodiment of being in that other paradigm, I don't even want to say the words anymore. You know what I'm talking about. So the self embodiment includes self dialogue, but it's a little bit of something more. And it could be something more because the energy can move freely through this body and express itself. So the expression will be different when it's no longer expressing through those things that I was taking. And so it's a completely different expression could be something totally new. And when I was in my first map consciousness, state of multi dimensional intelligence and getting the download and the blueprint of my life, I connected with different things that didn't include the journey that I was then thrust into after. So I'm wondering if this will sort of put me back on that trajectory of over six years ago. And it's still the same trajectory, but it's different. And things aren't linear anyway. So it's just about a different level of consciousness. And through time, even going through that old paradigm that I was a part of, it's still helped me slowly to embody this, especially through this process of self dialogue this last year. So I really don't know what I'm going to talk about this year, or speak as speak as this energy that's not impeded by chemicals. I've talked about healing and altruism and lifestyle design. And I really don't know what it's going to be about. Because with how I was talking to myself, before I wanted my life to be about coming off those chemicals, and, and going to California. 

create, energy, creation, talking, blueprint, system, embody, video, life, voice, convince, nervous system, process, speak, dialogue, feel, translated, part, chemicals, consciousness

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