Bipolar Inquiry

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And he touched on gamma waves and how it was something about there's more waves and more light and more information. And gamma waves are 25 to 100 hertz, with typically being around 40 hertz. And he said, they may be implicated in creating the unity of conscious perception, the binding problem and he talked about the formation of ideas, linguistic processing, which I think is what I've talked about related to language creation and He also said there's various types of learning involved in gamma waves. And I've said this is a hyper learning state when we go into mass consciousness. And it's associated with bursts of insight, compassion and high level of information, processing and inspiration. And then it was interesting, I remember him saying, but I'm not going to go into that. And then he will focus more on the beta waves and how to maybe meditate to change the beta waves when I feel like if the gamma waves come in, they naturally deal with and put the beta waves in the right place. So it was interesting that he didn't want to go to that level. Maybe it's just time constraints. But I feel like a lot of what is out there that's supposed to be helpful is based on that level of cognition and beta waves and the me and all that. When if we had that gamma waves, that unity of conscious perception, maybe that would erase the other problems. But when we're operating from beta and trying to fix beta from beta, it's like a vicious loop that we can never get out of. And I think so called mania and map consciousness is related to gamma. And it's just that our brains aren't used to operating with gamma waves. And those gamma waves come in, and they're reorganizing the brain. And that could actually be the energy that's reorganizing and restructuring the brain, in order for the brain to be able to operate with those frequencies. But there's sort of new frequencies that we're accessing. Again, it's seeing and walking in a different world could just be a matter of these gamma waves that could be everywhere. ever present, that our brains just don't really have the brain cells to access, it's like having a radio station that's not in the range of the radio dial, you wouldn't be able to access it. And I wonder if General Semantics, or English prime, or a prime can help to release some of this beta energy block, the beta energy is blocking the gamma energy. And it's a way of speaking that avoids the verb to be. So instead of saying this is that you say this seems to be that at this moment, so it's interesting to look it up? And I think it would help a little bit to utilize that to some extent. Because as soon as we say this is that most of the time and no longer is that or never was that to begin with. But if we approach it with some apprehension and some tentativeness in our observations, then it's less something. So what is the intelligent use of language? Or how does intelligence use language? Are these gamma brainwaves related more to intelligence? And what kind of language does that produce? Not just in words, but in actions? Does intelligence use language to create more language? And does intelligence only use language in the moment where necessary related to the moment and in this way, the brain is not being constantly activated in the domain of memory.

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And it seems we live in anticipation and not participation. Because we're always projecting what we're anticipating. And so we're participating with our own projections, but not actually what is I'm wondering when I go home, if I can improvise my life. I wonder if we can get to a place where life distracts us from the programs of society. And I think that's kind of what mania is, What magic is, is when we're so in tune with life, that we're distracted from the programs of society. And that's sort of what distraction is, it's sort of not paying attention to what we're told, we should be paying attention to what we're programmed to pay attention to. And then our own life energy moves us away from that which we're programmed and conditioned towards. And mania is just an exaggeration of this. So instead of working on something, and then being distracted, so called distracted for a couple of seconds, and then going back to it. It's like being distracted, and then distracted and distracted. But really, it's not really distraction, it's moving towards life, and moving with the life energy that we are. And when that first starts happening, it's kind of haphazard, because we've moved so far along a trajectory of programming. And the thing with the life energy too, is it's not necessarily purposeful. And it's not necessarily goal oriented in terms of what we've been programmed to do. I think there's value in so called distraction in that we're moving off the track that we've been pushed into by the pressures of our conditioning. And bomb mentioned that the values of society act so quickly that we feel like we've chosen something. But really, it's always our programming, and the values of society that we've been conditioned in. So there's an illusion, of freedom of choice. And these programs have power because of the values assigned to the programs. But we don't see the actual real value of beauty right in front of us. And it seems like there's no longer advantages to going along with all the prejudices of society in the community. And our nervous systems can no longer handle it. And in so called mania, it's like we're auditioning and interviewing for the universe, to work with the universe, and for the universe, and as the universe. And I'm not sure if I'll release this content as a supernova, just release it all at once. And I'm not sure if anyone's done videos that way, just releasing them all at the same time. It's a content supernova. And we can't play games with someone yesterday. But that's what we're doing by playing with our thoughts. We're playing with the things of yesterday, thoughts are playing the game of yesterday. And our nervous system is supposed to be a translator of light and information and energy. And not just a looper of thought. But the loop of thought is interfering with the clear translation. And if we can't translate the information, we can't transform. And I feel like language is a gift. It's a privilege and not a right. And we need to be careful how we use it. And something's wrong with the brain organ and that is not translating beauty. The sense of beauty is turned off. 

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So I've been avoiding making a video all day, and I'm not quite sure why. I'm not sure if my few days of feeling good are subsiding today, and I'm transitioning into the week or so worth of kind of blindness. And I'll call hardy nutritionals on Monday and see what they think about the way it's going. I ended up just watching a YouTube video of the top 200 songs, in terms of views on YouTube. And I stared at that for probably two hours. And so yeah, I've just been kind of staring at the screen, which is something I don't usually do. But I definitely allow myself to whenever that's what seems to be good for my brain. And speaking of looking at the screen, but in a more productive way. Today, I watched Katie motorhomes documentary called emerging proud. It was released today. And I think she had an event in the UK. And there were events held in certain places around the world, and the documentary was premiered. And so happy emerging proud day. I'm not sure if it's an annual thing. And I thought it was very good, I thought it was very well done. And the way she did it was from clips that people either sent in about their stories of spiritual emergence. I don't use that term, very often I use my own term as map consciousness, to indicate so called mania and psychosis, but also meaning action potential or a lot of different things. And also that it's sort of like unmapped territory, it's something that we're exploring in consciousness. But anyways, spiritual emergence is another term or spiritual emergency. And I could try to use that more often. Because it's not good to keep saying so called mania and psychosis. I don't know why I say that. I think it's to delineate between the good and the not as good parts of the process. And in the video, they talked about dark night of the soul or shadow, as opposed to so called psychosis. And maybe, when I continue to go through this process of coming off meds, if I have to go through some of the elements that are not yet finished, perhaps I can work on reframing those and not thinking of them in terms of psychosis, which I already don't, it's just right now, I think, handy to actually make videos talking about some of the common language, because if I only use uncommon terms, then people might not know what the heck I'm talking about. And by weaving them both in together, hopefully, eventually, through conversation and knowing what we're talking about, we can create our own language, that we don't have to use any of those terms at all. And those terms weren't used at all, barely in the whole documentary, which was nice. And I thought that the selection of clips was very good. And it gave a lot of different examples of the depth and breadth of the experience, the possibilities, and I noticed some of the language that I use with myself in there. One person near the end was talking about how this has something to do with the evolution of humanity. And I've talked about that. And there were a few other things that people mentioned that were really clear to me that we speak a lot of the same language inside and how we would talk about it, if we started talking about it more might just be kind of self evident. One person might say something and then the other person might be like, Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. That's a good way to describe it. Let's talk about it in that way, or it's not about what anway, actually, it's talking about it in in lots of different ways, and not just talking about it, but what language the process wants to create and how that process wants us to relate. So I thought it was very well done. And I actually made it into the film in the credits. Let's see if you can pick me out. And some of my story is going to be in the book that goes with the film. And I haven't seen that yet. So it's on Vimeo, I think that's how you pronounce it. And it's called emerging proud. And it's definitely worth a watch. And I think there's quite a bit going on in that movement. A

So I haven't done a video in about a week. And I haven't been feeling that good emotionally. I've been in some conflict and not really handling myself very well. And I let a lot of things build up over time and just wasn't me expressing myself throughout even though I can talk to myself. for hours and hours, sometimes I'm not the greatest at talking to others in terms of setting up certain boundaries. It could be my training as a peer, just wanting to be open and accepting a very thing specially considering that I have needed that from people at times. And a lot of different factors, but I'm, I'm learning about that. I don't feel happy. I had those couple of good days. And then I was taking some notes and stuff, and then I just haven't had a good week at all. And I think I'm really missing my family and my community. And not feeling I'm not feeling lonely. I don't know how I'm feeling I'm feeling like maybe I would rather be with my family and my community then in California. When before I left, I was thinking I think I'd rather be in California than with my family and community. And it could just be that I've maxed myself out. But it's not just that because I've been struggling here because of what I was talking about before having that mini crisis and having to take Seroquel so many of the days here. I've just been going through like a zombie and that's not how I thought I would have to go through my days here. I thought I would have at least six months until my next crisis and it was a total of something like a month. And then I was taking Seroquel and then I went to LA and did ecpr and so I started trying to take less Seroquel and then it was hard to get off the Seroquel. I went from full to have to try to go off of Seroquel completely. And the Hardy nutritionals people said those were too big of jumps. But now I've been on Seroquel. I'm taking a quarter now. So that would be seven, seven and a half milligrams. But I've been taking it go going on two months. And I think just the totality of everything, taking the circle for two months having that crisis and having to go through much of it by myself and just drop dragged myself through it. And now doing the hearty nutritional thing, which I'm guessing is going to make me feel in different ways at different times. And some stuffs gonna want to come out perhaps that has just been kept at bay by the medications. And also I'm used to interacting with people in the mental health community where there's a lot of understanding and care and all these different things. Whereas right now I'm in the real world, which doesn't necessarily have that context. And so instead of operating within an amongst that context and with people who understand that and who are going through similar things. So there's this mutual support by virtue of just going through it and not even really have having to say things and explain it. I feel like I almost have to explain myself somewhat. not totally, I just, I feel like I understand that I'm not in that context. So I have to be more wary because I could be. I could be misunderstood, or, I don't know, it's hard to explain, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but and just not having people that know me where other people back home, know me and I don't have to feel like I'm I feel kind of like things that I do could easily have more points against me than for me or something. Whereas in my community, I feel like, there's little chance of things going wrong. And if they do, it's not really going to affect anything, because I've been there quite a long time. People know me. I've supported people people have supported me, it's just very reciprocal and mutual. And I find just in talking to myself, now I've speaking a lot of the language of peer support. And so I like the way that kind of community is, is set up. I feel like here some people know about my diagnosis and label. So if I do struggle and voice things, then they could be interpreted as something t

So it's interesting how much difference a couple days can make. I feel like something shifted in a good way. And I don't know if it was doing some self dialogue the other night two nights ago I didn't do any yesterday I ended up going to the hot springs. And I also haven't had any Cinnamon Toast in three days. And I've been doing bulletproof coffee and I've been sleeping a bit better. And I've gone down to one quarter of a Seroquel. I was on a quarter before but it's hard to cut them into exact pieces so I was on bigger pieces. So they were more than a quarter was probably more like a third. So now I've been on a quarter for a day or two and still taking the Hardy nutritionals so I'm not sure what's making the most difference but I think all of it together is making a little bit of a difference. This morning I rescued some mice. They were just on the floor and they were just babies they didn't even run away. And I I'll include a bit of the footage. All the kids little whiskers are touching. And then after lunch, I just came outside because it was raining. And just started taking pictures with my macro lens of some of the flowers and some of the flowers with water droplets on them. Because usually here it's not raining so it was a different scenery. And to me, that feels like my brain shifted back into noticing beauty. And I was talking a lot about that. And then I sort of stopped the self dialogue process, and then seemed to get worse, I don't know, I haven't really watched those videos to see for sure. But it feels like stopping that self dialogue in the dialogue with nature wasn't necessarily a good idea. And then as soon as I started having self dialog again, and then I go outside, I just naturally start looking at the different flowers and how there's water on them and, and looking outward and looking at the beauty again. So that was an interesting experiment without trying to really do an experiment, I thought I was just going to stop the dialogue process, because just talking about stuff didn't really seem it seemed like not a good use of time, or, like I was saying the same thing over and over again, without knowing it. Whether or not that's true, I think it seems like just keeping my brain in that dialogue state is important, because as soon as I put myself back into it by just sort of doing some self dialogue, in a very uninspired way. But as soon as I did 20 minutes of self dialog, then all of a sudden, I was writing down new insights, that maybe not new, but they feel new. So I think the point is to stay in that process of having insights. And one might be thinking, Oh, well, that seems old. But it's still new at that moment. So keeping the brain in that state of newness is the important part. And I can see how that goes on in actual life. It's like, going into another dimension altogether. I feel, not 100% better, per se. But I feel like my brain is just in another dimension. It's not in that dimension, that I allowed it to recede into, which is all about ego me and coming off medications. And I wasn't even trying to make it about that. But it's more like, by not engaging this other part of the brain than the natural momentum of the brain is to go back to ego consciousness. It's like, this passive state, it's like this inactive state, this habitual state. And if one isn't actively aware and present, and putting one's energy into perceiving in the moment, and having insight in the moment, maybe writing them down, then it's difficult to stay in that state. And that might be one of the ways that a person who goes into map consciousness or transconsciousness, or an omni polar brain can stay in these other places, which is a place of perception, it's a place of higher awareness, and higher just in terms of being of a different quality, and dimension than the ego. And this makes sense with all the stuff I was talking about regarding how coming down from AB consciousness, we have to go through the ego process in those

I found a somewhat quiet spot. And I'm earthing. And I was thinking about how talking so much about all of this related to mental health is really to learn about it, just to be free of it, not to keep talking about it forever, to be free of it and be that other kind of human being that I've experienced myself to be. And that really requires looking without condemnation, but really wondering, to figure out how it all works. And in order to learn about it, if one calls it good or bad, it prevents learning. And I was thinking about how it's important to be free of fear, because it's the fear that drives us to seek help from the mental health system. And to me, that exacerbates things more than necessary. And it could take a good amount of practice and wondering and tweaking to find a way to make it so one can avoid the mental health system. So I wanted to take a second and read a quote by Krishna merde. I feel like what he points to, has something to do with mob consciousness. And I'm not saying it's totally equivalent, but he says, I think man has come to a point where he feels that one must have a new mind, a new quality of mind. I mean by mind, the activities of the brain consciousness, sensory perception and intelligence. Is it possible before man destroys themselves completely, to bring about a new mind? Is it possible for human beings to bring about a totally different category, or dimension of the mind. And to me, I feel like math consciousness is consciousnesses attempt to bring about this new dimension and category in the mind. And it's not really working so easily as people at the level of thought, consciousness, transform it into something else. Sort of capture those minds and convert that process back into a process dominated by thought and thinking about oneself and one's own problems, and making it into a me mental illness. So maybe it's already happening. It's just a matter of people supporting people to journey through it. Maybe nothing else needs to be done except for that. Just having more compassion while people go through this process without dragging them back into believing that they have a mental illness. And he says also, when you put away something false, the mind becomes lighter. And the mean is false. And when we put that away, we become lighter, we become more energetic. And he describes something interesting, he says, discard everything that is false, which is everything that thought has put together. Then the mind has no illusion. And he talks about reading the book of oneself. And he says, I began with the first chapter which says, Be aware of your senses. And the next chapter says, human beings have their partial senses, exaggerating one sense and denying the others. The third chapter says, See all the senses can operate. That means there is no center of a particular sensory operation, and the fourth chapter, and so on and so on. I'm not going to read the book for you read it and explore it so much with what he points to is talking about map consciousness and I feel like he had a transformation experience he definitely did. But luckily, he was held and kept safe by so many people who didn't think that anything that was happening was wrong. Plus, it was 100 years ago now, so there wasn't really that paradigm so much. So I'm starting to read more Krishna Murty stuff again, instead of focusing on mental health, and I have done a lot of writing, but I feel not so compelled to go to it. It's like that process could go on forever. And I don't know if I want to keep fueling that. Just because it can go on forever doesn't mean that I should feel like to go on forever. And I could change my mind and get right back into it very soon. But for now, I'm not sure how much of my notes I'll go over. I remember reading through some of it just to see if there was anything I really wanted to say. And I wrote down that thought in a way is yesterday sound at sound of yesterday. And something I realized today was tha

So I'm going back to an old notebook. So things are kind of out of order. But that's not what matters. The process is just about giving voice to insights and things that I see not necessarily putting them in logical order, because putting them in logical order doesn't leave much room for the new creative expression that might come through in sharing that bit. But for starters, last night, I reduced the trazadone by one half, so I took one and a half tries known and I'd have a Seroquel, I want to start taking the half Seroquel, but I don't have a pill cutter. So I might have to get one of those or really just try to cut it in half. And I'm still taking the Hardy nutritionals daily. So where I left off in my old notebook was talking about the body is a perceptual apparatus, and it's also a holographic net. So it's sort of clinging on to the images, it's recording, and associating those images with the past. So I wonder if we can be free from the holographic net, and not record with it not try to find new images to associate with all images. And I actually think that this is partially what builds up for people who have a tendency towards map consciousness. And when this recording isn't going on in map consciousness, the mind sort of touches reality instead of reality being touched by the images, and thus not really meeting reality at all. So the mind moves when the images Don't move. And then the mind moves through us and animates us. And none of this is really true. It's just playing with ideas and thoughts and insights. I feel like the old holograms resonate with the new incoming information and only pick out bits that are similar to it. So it blocks new information and only looks for similar information. And maybe the brain sees this as some type of efficiency, because it's calculating whether or not what it's meeting will serve its purposes. But his purposes have been programmed. So we're meeting life with the purpose as ever programs. And so not really meeting it at all. The net of thought is holographic. And the me is this interference pattern that's interfering with all the new information coming towards us. It interferes with life with actual life. And it seems like human beings are caught in this prison and this net of holographic light and sound. And I feel when this process stops the matter of the brain then speaks life life as its met. And our choosing mechanism RS decision mechanism is part of this net, we're choosing with our net and grabbing those bits of reality. And when we think we send out holograms, when can we stop adding to this collective recording that we all share? And I made up a word holograph phonic. So it's sort of this light and sound and as part of the image making process through which we meet life. And it seems like the universe has created a creature that can harmonize with life with his gestures and words or destroy it. We're the only creature that can really choose to be in disharmony in a way. It's like we can pick an avocado and eat it. Or we can just cut down the tree in terms of First there was the word. It seems like that's choice and we can choose to use the word for destruction or harmonizing. And I had this thought that there are lots of other planets that supported life at some point, and the life eventually developed words and language. And then there was the choice to harmonize with the language or to use it for destruction. And if life chose to use it for destruction, it eventually would destroy the very life that created the language. Language evolved from life from living things. And then the language when used to destroy, eventually destroys life itself. So I had this thought that maybe there are a lot of planets that had life, but they destroyed it. And so it's no longer there. And I remember Alan Watts has a video on YouTube describing how he imagined that life could evolve to destroy itself. And then it would, and I can't remember if he said it in his video, or, or if I tho

Last night, I again took to Seroquel to go to sleep. And I didn't go to sleep until like one o'clock because I was up editing all the videos I made when I was totally dulled out. Yet somehow I managed to make five videos. And then when I was editing, I took notes. I thought I would just be dull and be able to just edit things and not really see anything else that I wanted to say. But that didn't happen to be true. So maybe my body's adapting to being dulled out a little bit, I don't know. So it's interesting, since I was able to prevent this from going into any full blown crisis, which I'll never know if it was going to. But I stopped it earlier than last time. Unless this was just a warning sign, and then there's bigger and worse stuff to come. I don't know, I hope that's not the case. So hopefully, I've gotten to a point where I can modulate this and regulate this experience of this process happening. And I feel like if I was able to be supported through it, I might be able to just have my consciousness die back and then come out of it. Okay, but I can't really chance that right now. Maybe that would be a cool thing to make videos about. In the future when I have a supported environment, if possible. It might be kind of scary, but it would be interesting in a way to see what it's like when consciousness dies into itself. And sometimes I get this sense that this happens, because I was supposed to die years ago, and I sort of escaped death. I'm not sure how it works. That's not something I want to consider thinking about right now. And two days ago, I forgot to mention that it was nine months of self dialog. And also, it was the 200th video on that list of videos. So 200 videos in nine months. Right now, where am I at? I'm just really feeling like I want to get to emotional CPR, I booked a hotel room I booked a rental car. And I'm having this sense that it's one of those things where I get to the upper limit of how far I can go. And and then have to sort of start again. And I'm kind of realizing what I'm saying that that I'm not sure what that AI is trying to accomplish. Maybe the I can only go so far. And then the rest is up to something else. Or consciousness goes that far and then has to come back and start again, like dying a number of times in life. It's like wiping the brain clean. But then there is some sense of memory of self. And it might not even be stored in the brain. It might just be stored in the body or stored as knowing that there's some kind of recognition of who one is. I don't even know where to begin in terms of talking about my notes. I took 25 pages of notes between last night and today. And it's strange because often, when I have an insight into something, it feels like wow. Not like that's it or anything. But it just keeps going. It just keeps going and going and going. Like I could talk to myself, forever. And I was listening to an interview, or a talk with Dr. Daniel Siegel today on a neuroscience online summit. And it was very fascinating talk. I really like his work. And I made a bunch of notes and extrapolations that I want to talk about. But one thing he said at the end of the interview was that we are nature and we are each other. So I always find it fascinating when people say these things. That is something, someone who is in so called mania or psychosis might say, and they're saying it from an actual felt sense. experience that they're touching and tasting in that moment. Yet, if that person is different than usual, and having other traits of certain so called symptoms, then they're called mentally ill and really to, to me, it seems like their mind and their brain is touching something beyond. And people will say those things intellectually. And they're saying them based on maybe physics or, or different scientific theories that Oh, yes, there's this oneness, or maybe they've, or maybe they've had a tiny taste of it. But some of us have been immersed in it. And since we're not used to that

I wanted to set in that corner there, because lizards are here first. Guess I've just said somewhere else. So the lizards moved. So I took their spot. And I just met a really friendly bunny rabbit. And some butterflies on a hike I went on today that was probably about four hours. So I'm a little bit tired. And I was thinking about flow as choiceless awareness when I was on the hike, because of what Jamie wheel and Steven Kotler talk about, if somebody is like falling to their death, and they managed to save their life. And their reaction time and their calculation of things, is faster to the point where they're able to save their life somehow. And basically, they're saying it's faster than conscious choice. What is conscious choice, it's a bunch of programs overlaid over our senses. So instead of sensing and acting, we're enacting this so called conscious choice. And so they're studying how it's easier to get into flow in these states, where the body is put under sort of extreme circumstances. And in those extreme circumstances, there's no point in choosing with those programs that we've been conditioned into seeing through. So it's a bunch of conditioning, that is the thing that we think chooses. And all of that is the accumulated me programs and, and knowledge, so we're choosing through our knowledge. And that knowledge is overlaid over our senses. So we're not sensing things holistically and acting with our senses without thinking. And so what I'm saying is that, to me, it sounds like what Krishnamurti talks about with choiceless awareness. And what that means, in a way is that there's no programming, they're doing the calculating, which is the choosing. So if, if there's no one there choosing, then what is choosing? Well, what is choosing when one is falling to one's death, and managers. Without thinking, like, basically, the person is falling in Gravity faster than thinking. So gravity, the speed of gravity, and falling in Gravity is faster than thinking, we can't think and decide, oh, I'm gonna put my hand here and I'm gonna put my hand there, and I'm gonna do this and that something else comes in. So something else is choosing something else is moving us and animating us. When we're falling at the speed, that gravity induces on us. And I feel like in a way, consciousness itself chooses, but it's not really choosing. So an ego mi program might choose between a bit or B bit. Whereas when there's no programming they're choosing then there's infinite bits available. And the conscious will or the me or the ego is choosing between very limited amount of bits, that it's been programmed into choosing between. And so I was thinking about how, while walking down the mountain, down the switchbacks that when we walk And we're going down a mountain we fall. So we're not actually walking as much as falling in gravity. But we're able to control that with our legs. And in the same way, we might think we're choosing to move our legs, but we're just moving our legs and gravity's helping. So there's this sort of play between the two, there's this dance. And I feel like we also have a field of consciousness. And the programming prevents us from falling in the field of consciousness. Whereas if we were just falling in the field of consciousness, that field of consciousness, in combination with it, impressing upon all of our senses holistically would animate us, and that would allow us to act without choosing. So much of our movement anyway, we don't choose to do but it's sort of partly gravity and partly us. So I think there's this other element, this field of consciousness that in a way, in map consciousness, we're falling in the field of consciousness. Without the programs in the way, the programs are kind of the net, the parachute that allow us to sail through life and give us time to like, make these decisions and things when another parachute is a false structure. So the reason I'm saying this is because it demystifies it in a way,

I had an insight that psych meds in a way are artificial thought. Because the process that is induced by the universe, on the brain is actually something that's beyond thought, which makes up the personal self. It's non personal. And it's a non personal process that gets rid of some of that personal stuff, or all of it temporarily. And we're temporarily disoriented. But in a way, taking psych meds after as a way to maintain an artificial self, a functional center. It's to prevent that universal process from happening. Which makes us somewhat disidentify from our personal selves and act nonpersonally. But the structure of society as it is, doesn't know how to respond to people that are acting in this non personal way. And it eventually gets to a place where that non personal person is feared. And then that non personal person responds to that fear. And then it looks like that person has a personal problem. When really, it's a non personal problem. It's a problem of how to be in this society in this non person state. And I was thinking about how we speak the language of thought and relationship of memory past and the personal self. And I was wondering if one can speak the language of insight, and Gaia an insight into nature. And just keep speaking that language. It's a different way of relating. It's relating one's perceptions. Not relating based on past images. I'm also wondering if I can share some of my insights to myself during the day and self dialog instead of writing them down or saving them for later. We'll see. I was thinking about the concept of healing. And how we need healing because we're not playing and how mania is failed attempts at play. And treatment is to trick us back into the old tricks of societies meaningless meanings. Its remaining our remaining process. And I wonder if we were on our original childlike trajectory, would we need healing? And I wrote down, we don't need supervision, we have supervision. As in Super space vision, and I've been thinking about communication. So I haven't really unfolded what I'm thinking about it in particular, even though all of this is communication. And I looked up the term nature mysticism. And I think that describes reading nature and giving voice to nature and understanding and learning from nature. And I was listening to a talk about spiritual emergency and how the Brazilian spirit has paradigm feels like sometimes it's suppressed mediumship meaning the spiritual emergency or so called psychosis is a result of suppress mediumship or maybe not A way to say that as being highly sensitive and not using those gifts, but in terms of suppress mediumship, I was thinking, to play with those words I was thinking, we are the medium ship, or we are the mediums, ship. And by that I mean the medium is life. And we are the vehicle of that life. So we are the medium ship. Not just that we have medium ship, but we are the mediums ship, and we're not really using that ship. wisely, it would be like having a ship on the sea, or actually trying to put a car on the sea, it's the wrong ship, for that medium. We are the vehicle of human life, and we are using that life wrongly. And then we need healing. And then we need mediums to help us heal. When really the medium is life. And we're just not translating that life with our vehicle of the life that we're given. If we use a ship to try and drive through the sand, it's going to need healing, it's going to need fixing. But if the ship is in the right medium, we don't need any kind of healing or any kind of medium ship, we have the wrong meanings. And then we need healing from wrong meanings. If we weren't programmed with wrong meanings, we wouldn't need healing. And all that really needs healing is perception. Because if we can see we can make meaning. Not Be healed from bad meanings just to have new program meanings superimposed over old, obsolete meanings that only has a limited value. We only need perception moment to moment to see what