Bipolar Inquiry

I love tuner 528 hertz, I wonder if we can see 520 hertz, we can see sound if we can see the sound of love. Or if we can see love and speak love through direct perception. No idea. I feel like self dialog is real science. We think science is working for 10 years on one paper that most people can't understand. Whereas if we can speak with ourselves and develop direct perception of things, we don't really need science. There's a different type of science called science as c, e, y, E, and C. It's the science of the eyes of seeing, of seeing clearly and we can also hypothesize, also spelt with a Y e. It's a way of humanizing information within oneself, versus how we try to absorb things mechanically, and turn ourselves into mechanisms through scientific facts. There's the facts, we can see with our own eyes, if we're not blinded by our mechanized thought process. I skimmed through an article by Dr. mercola. And he's talking about the importance of movement. And I talked about this before, he talks about a lot because it's one of his main things as movement. And he says that if we're not moving, there's BDNF in the brain, which is bone, neuro trophic factor or something like that. And if we're moving, there's actually something in the brain. They discovered through rat studies called noggin. So noggin makes the brain cells grow, whereas BNF makes the brain atrophy. So he's saying exercise is actually important for brain growth. And it's interesting, because if we're sedentary, we're going to have more BNF in our body, we're going to grow more bone tissue, because our bones actually start to fuse together when we're not moving. And if we're sitting with our head forward, all day long, and we're not moving, it's going to fuse. So it makes sense that we have this bone generation factor in our blood if we're sedentary. But it's in our blood. So it's also in the blood in our brain. So in that way, being sedentary actually makes our brain atrophy just because we're not moving. So in movement, we're able to produce more brain cells, but I actually feel partly it's due to the fact there's more circulation. So when we're sedentary, there's no circulation, we grow bonds. Whereas if we're moving, we don't need those extra bone supports, because we're fluid, we're dynamic, we're meant to move. And I also extrapolate this to actually how our brain cells move. So if we're thinking the same repetitive thoughts, 60,000 thoughts a day, there might only be 100 thoughts on repeat, we're doing the equivalent of remaining stationary in our mind, because we're stationary within those 100 thoughts. So how I relate this as to when I've talked about how the ego is actually scar tissue, it's actually thoughts, we keep repeating, repeating, repeating and it forms scar tissue. And we have very limited movement in terms of where our brain can go in order to think and see because we're only seeing and thinking along the lines of our repetitive thoughts. So to me, exercise would increase movement, which increases blood flow, which allows the brain to grow. So that's physical exercise. I feel it's just as critical to actually be able to move the brain cells in many different ways. Not just In the 100 thoughts that the brain thinks, those few thoughts that we've used to clog up the ram of our pre frontal cortex, and it's just going over and over, the brain has lost its fluidity, it's become rigid, rigid in its thinking. And it's not even thinking it's just going along the same tracks that it's laid down through conditioning. And we see something, we remember it, we repeat it, repeat it, repeat it, whatever it is that we repeat in our own voice, becomes this habitual thought track, that prevents us from seeing other things, it prevents us from seeing. And so what I'm saying is that seeing perception, seeing something new, is a different movement that grows the brain, it actually provides oxygen to some other area of the brain, because we just saw something. Even

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Today I had an appointment with a lady who does this hair analysis which gives epi genetic information. And I went there and I was there at 10. And I thought my appointment was at 10. But it was at 1030. And I called her assistant and said my name, he didn't even have me on the computer. And then he said, Oh, it's double booked. But he still didn't say it was me that was double booked. So it was just really confusing. I don't know what he actually saw on his screen. And then I ended up leaving because I live close by so I wanted to make sure the other person got to see her. Because I've seen her before for other things. She's really, really good. And she said, she'd give me a bit of a deal. I have an appointment next Wednesday now. But it just felt like glitch in technology scenario. Sometimes when I get to certain places and consciousness, or when certain levels of consciousness are filtering through me. Technology stops working properly. I've had instances where I text somebody as me. But then that text turns into a text from somebody else on the other end, and I say something and they're like, Did you just text me blah, blah, blah, because it said, blah, blah, blah, from blah, blah, blah, long story short, it was just really confusing. And I was like, whoa, I'm just in that place where, where technology doesn't work. And actually, now that I think about it, I think it's the domain of the brain starting to work as a quantum computer, because there's more possibilities existing at the same time, there's overlapping realities. And, and I feel like I go into that state to sort of resolve some of the overlapping realities that are possible, including maybe preventing people from dying. In my reality, it makes it makes weird, it doesn't, doesn't make any sense. I know what I'm trying to say. But it's being in a state of being identified with consciousness, not with the body. And so the consciousness is rearranging things, and rearranging bodies, because consciousness is filtered through bodies. So I think I did talk before about how it's a quantum computation state. And so it's confusing because there are multiple realities overlapping simultaneously. And it's odd, because when one gets to that state, where multiple realities are overlapping simultaneously, and they're perhaps able to be in higher states of consciousness, and choose a different path, reality collapses, the wavefunction around the person being mentally ill, as opposed to maybe collapsing around them being a shaman, or a mystic or so many other things that happen in other cultures, or even possibilities within our culture if we start to see it, and frame it in a different way. And the thing is that as individuals get to those higher states of consciousness, and have to go back down, if they were able to stay up, all of reality would have to level up and then lower levels of consciousness would be edited out. And that means people get edited out. And with this glitch, today, I sort of realized that there could be two realities, like in one reality, he put me in the computer, and in the one he's in now, he didn't put me in the computer, and he doesn't even remember me. So I remember that, but I think people when they're in the level of programming, can actually forget those things. So the confusion exists in the one that remembers the two overlapping realities. And the person th

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Have an extrapolating like crazy this morning. And I like to call it extrapolating as opposed to lateral thinking or creative thinking, because I feel extrapolating has more to do with seeing something clearly, than actually just thinking. Because thinking is usually combining words or combining old thoughts, or recombining our old programming, or I feel like thinking is generally programming. So it's more about seeing that as programming and getting that process to stop, then actually trying to think creatively within and with that programming, which is near impossible. I sent in my resignation email this morning, and I haven't checked my email yet to see the response. But since then, my brain has been super extrapolating, maybe it feels a little bit freed from that decision. And I feel it's more that I've talked myself out of that paradigm. I don't believe that at all, especially with the things that I've been watching and extrapolating from the last few days, with the neuroplasticity. And I talked a long time ago, before I started watching TED talks about something about neuroplasticity related to the process. But after watching those talks and realizing, even if there is some kind of damage, it can actually be fixed. So to say other brains permanently damaged and needs drugs is just, it's going to be old news yesterday. I've talked to my brain cells out of thinking that they're mentally ill. They're needing rewiring, and I'm talking them into being rewired in the ways that they were trying to rewire through the map consciousness transconscious process. And the universe is trying to help us design a better self more in alignment with the universal principles of how we are as human beings, those inward human dimensions, it all comes back to these inner human dimensions and gestures and action. Because we're actually not gesturing like we're designed to as human beings. We're not gesturing in our socially bonding ways. And then we feel separate, and then we feel desire, and then we, it just cascades from there, because we're not actually acting in reality. Because as children, were told to sit down and sit in this chair and passively learn, so we feel like life is passive process. More on that later, I feel that society and our education system actually stunts the brain's growth. It gets it abstracting about reality, instead of acting in reality. And when we start thinking that life is a bunch of abstractions, we try to create better and better abstractions, as opposed to just living life in the present moment. And those abstractions, and that pleasure is tied into dopamine, because whatever happens, we're judging it as we've been programmed to judge it, there could be a million bits of information, but we pick the bit, that gives us the dopamine out of that bit, which is an abstraction which is programmed from the past. So we're just reacting to the past, reacting to the past, and just reacting to dopamine. And I looked today, I was curious, and I was thinking, what is the structure of dopamine. And it's this really small, little molecule. And it actually is only I believe, I didn't fully read, but it looks like it's only produced in the brain. And it's recycled in the brain. So just like thoughts are circular and recycled. And they're just abstractions, they're not anything to do with reality. Same with dopamine is just in the brain, in the brain in the brain. And, interestingly enough, I looked up oxytocin, and is this super complex molecule and it's secreted from part of the brain called the posterior pituitary, and it goes to the body. So I thought, it's really interesting because oxytocin actually connects our brain to our body. It's not the only thing. But it actually goes into the body. And in creates all these epig

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I'm on an email list for a guy who calls himself Rama. And yesterday, I got an email from him. And it was interesting because he was talking about the brain being a magnet. And he was talking about joy and how joy attracts more joy with the magnetism of it all. And he's sort of saying that being joyful, creates this magnetic wave of joy, which changes the atomic structure of the world. And I don't know if that's true or not. But it's interesting, because consciousness works in some way. If I'm at a, at a higher level of consciousness, that's going to change the reality I experience, and that will slightly change the reality other people experience as well. If everyone was all of a sudden, at a higher level of consciousness, we would experience a different reality. And so it seems like there are different realities present, it's just a matter of our level of consciousness. And that's what we tap into. And I think with bipolar, we go into these high levels of consciousness and experience these other realities that are there, but they're just not the dominant reality. And that's why I feel like it's a calibration for us to see other maps and ways of, of getting there. And then he even talks about focusing on our hair in order to increase this magnetism. And he says, focusing on the top of your head increases your brain's magnetic power. And it makes all of your thoughts more potent. And I like what he's saying. At the same time, I feel like, if the mind is clear, if the brain is clear, then one doesn't have to think thoughts. There's perception. And then that sort of gives understanding, which can be a joyful process in itself. So we don't actually have to consciously think joyful thoughts. It would be more about clearing the mind of all thought. But at the same time, thinking joyful thoughts is still a lot better. Then thinking, sad thoughts, for sure. And he says, you have to imprint and encode your version of reality into existence. And that's an alignment with the blueprint that I think that we're given in our brain, when we go into manic consciousness, we get the blueprint of the reality of the higher levels of consciousness. And then it's up to us to, to harvest that and to move towards it. And we don't have to do that. But it's an option. And it's could be a fun game, it could be a fun way to use our suppose ID freewill. Because in those highest levels of consciousness, we realize it's all one and we don't really have freewill. And sometimes that can get us into trouble. So we come back here where we have apparent freewill. And then we can still harvest and practice and embody that which we know will unfold those higher levels of consciousness not just within ourselves, but within other people as well. And I think that's the whole gesture thing. Because I had this insight today that one of the ways to have joy be one's predominant state is to help create that in other people. So I think the brain needs to be wired for these higher levels of consciousness. It already is wired for that it's just a matter of actually negating the wiring that is not inspiring. And I feel like medication is is chemical castration of this transformation process that keeps those lower circuits glued together. And that could be helpful. Just like Dr. Daniel Fisher said, these medications will buy you some time. But it'

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Happy New Year to myself. It's 2017 wasn't sure if I'd make it. Remember before my birthday, I was in the psych ward, and I was turning 34. And I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it past 33 I was really afraid. So I made it through the year. And I'm in this tiny little room just because I can hear the TV noise through the floor in the living room. And I was in here anyway, I was looking for some information. And this morning, I did tiare trauma releasing exercise by Dr. briselli. It's the fourth or fifth time I've done it, I'm going to try and do it every other day or every few days. And it's also day four of taking EMP. I did take it this morning. And I didn't get any of that white stuff on my hands. But I was feeling pretty happy. For a while now I feel I feel right. I was jumping on my mini trampoline. And I felt like a good jump on it all day. No, then I shoveled some snow. I was looking through some of my binders of information from when I was doing all that research in the last couple of years. And I came across this paper that I have notes on from when I spoke with Victoria Maxwell, who is a mental health speaker and advocate and consultant. And I spoke with her on the phone. And we were talking about mental health. And she gave me this piece of advice. And it says first priority. Don't do anything to jeopardize your own mental health and own physical well being even when you're wanting to be of service. And she said this is an important guide post. And I found it interesting just because I feel like I know that working in mental health isn't good for my mental health. Yet, I'm still working in it. But I know I'm going to change that soon. It was a good reminder for myself though, because I probably spoke with her over two years ago. And I have a note about i a transgenic illness. And I didn't know what that meant. So I looked it up in it something about the illness being caused by the treatment. And I resonate with that in terms of how I was treated in the psych ward in April of last year now I can say of last year. And I also came across this sheet that I got when I saw this lady who does live blood cell analysis. I've seen her twice over the years. And she's always right on with what to do. And she even wrote, take em power 12 a day for two weeks. And I'm actually seeing her on Wednesday. So I'm gonna bring this and talk to her and see if she thinks I should do that. Or if I should just take a little bit like I'm taking or what I should do. And I found this paper I printed out on pyrole disorder. It's on pyrole urea. That's hard to say, and Candida. And I pulled it out of the binder just because I think Hyrule disorder is about something to do with hemoglobin. And right now I'm actually quite interested in this whole oxygenation thing. And blood flow and oxygen getting to the brain and blood flow through the capillaries and things. And it's interesting that pyrole disorder often needs a lot more zinc and B six. To help fix the problem. It almost seems like our blood cells aren't even being metabolized properly. It says pi roll a key component of him as an hemoglobin Is overproduced in the liver. The severity of this condition fluctuates wildly as it's strongly related to stress. And it seems like why would the liver over produce a component of heme, maybe it's trying to produce more blood cells because the ones we have aren't properly going through the capillaries or something like maybe it's trying to change the structure of the blood cell. I actually feel it's hard to really explain what I'm thinking about in terms of this. But it's sort of like, I think the brain is desperate for oxygen and nutrients that starved. And it could be that this is a different type of blood cell hoping to get to the other regions of the brain or there's so many different possibilities. But I'm just seeing this theme right now. Because I g

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It's less than six hours away from the New Year. And I'm sitting here by myself, of course. Lately, I've somewhat lost my appetite because of stress or whatever, and I've been eating a lot of pickles. And I have a favorite brand. There, the Bobby's pickles, because they're not pasteurized. So they have the cloudy brine. And today I picked a pickle. And it's a double pickle actually joined, it's one pickle, see, but it's too. And. And I think that's lucky. I think that means that I'm going to have the best year ever. Next year starting in six hours. I'm going to get off my medication. And I'm going to be an example of that. I watched a TED talk by David Asprey. And he's the bulletproof exact guy. And he mentioned that if something can be disproved once, then the assumptions of the model are not fully correct. It's a good model, but it's not always correct. And I feel I won't be the first person to break it. But I'll definitely be talking to myself along the way to see how it goes. Because I am a little bit scared. But maybe if this process of talking to myself about it, and and maybe sharing it one day when when I've accomplished something, maybe that'll help other people to do the same. Because there's a lot of people who do share their story of success, but maybe don't necessarily talk to themselves along the way about it. They share it later on, and it's not as visible. I have no idea. I definitely think the double pickle is good luck. This year has been pretty interesting. I started making videos in late June. So just six months ago, ish. And I definitely feel stronger and weaker at the same time too. I feel like things are coming up for me, but maybe I can handle them. And it makes me feel weaker, because I don't just crumble automatically I ride it out. And it's somewhat painful. But I feel like I really don't want to go back to the psych ward. And maybe that's another reason why I'm able to manage it more because I really don't want to go back. And tomorrow, it will officially be that I haven't been back in eight months, because I was out of the hospital in early May, I think. So I still might need a few days to actually make it officially eight months but and then through this process of talking to myself for the last six months. I feel like I just don't resonate with the paradigm anymore. I resonate with transcending the paradigm. And that's what I experienced in April. And I think that was the lesson that I was supposed to learn was that a lot of people that go in for help in the psych ward are given medication that actually make them worse. And when the meds make somebody worse, like it did for me is just attributed to worsening of mental illness. Yet if the meds seem to make something better, while it must have been the meds that made it better, so it's never the meds that make it worse, but it's the meds that make it better. And I'm wondering if if it does much of anything either way, or if it just mainly makes it worse. And then when it gets better, it seems like the meds made it better. I have no idea. All I know is that I think after having two hospitalizations where I was in and out really easily. With third one showed me that it can just as easily be made a lot worse by the paradigm that's trying to help. And I felt so powerless to try to escape it. And since that happened, I don't want anything to do with that at all. I just have so many other thoughts and ideas about what's really going on. And how we really need to find out what it is the brain is trying to do, or the mind is trying to do. Like Dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself well, the mind is using the brain and turning brains into bipolar brains to create itself too. But it's not working. It's not being able to create itself, it's not being able to create this heaven on earth. And we experienced that heaven on earth

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

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So I'm making this video and I haven't even finished doing my hair for the day, because I was drying my hair. And then I took a break to empty the dishwasher. And then I felt my hands tingling. And I thought, well, that's kind of weird. But what was interesting too was last night as I was falling asleep, ice, all of a sudden had this electric shock, go through my, my left eye. And then I was like, No, whatever, no went to sleep. And so today is day three of taking the EMP. So I was emptying the dishwasher. And then I look at my hands. And there's all this like white stuff on it. And it looks kind of like paint. And I'm thinking to myself, what did I touch, I don't think I touched anything that would have put this white stuff on my hands. And then I tried to wash it off, or even scrape it off, and it wouldn't even come off. So I'm like this stuff doesn't even come off. And then my brain started going in the direction of for universe stuff. Because I was looking all over, I was looking at all the different things that I had touched within the last five minutes. And I was trying to see if there was any kind of group or of any kind on them and nothing. So I'm walking around thinking, Okay, universe, what is going on? Because I have had an experience before. I don't know if I mentioned it that I went to the hospital, and then they wouldn't admit me. And when I got back, there was blood all over a red pepper that I had. And I was like, How the hell did that get there. And I still haven't figured that one out. But it was pretty freaky, because I even tasted it because I was like, that can't be blood. Like there's no way that can be blood. And whatever it was, it tasted like blood. And I ended up in the psych ward two days later. And when they were talking to me in one of the rooms, they gave me some water and that tasted like blood. So it could have just been that everything was tasting like blood. It was one of those synesthesia things going on. Just to freak me out further, of course. And it could even be that in that state of terror, that feels like death and things tastes like blood, because that's just the level of consciousness. But anyways, I haven't figured that one out for real, and I don't think I ever will. And I think it was also the universe telling me, well, you'll never figure out the universe, how are you going to do that? Like I can, I can do anything. And it really can. So my hands, I don't know if you can see, but I can't really see those white on my on there. And then my fingers. And that's all my pinkie. Basically, everywhere on my fingertips especially and on my palm. And then this hand is like this on my palm like that. And then my finger that, that? Oh, and it's on the back of my thumb on this hand. Because I was how I noticed that maybe it was not something I touched was, I noticed that the back of my thumb was tingling. And then I looked at the back of my thumb, right where it was tingling. And that's where this white paint looking stuff is. And so I'm thinking myself, maybe I should actually contact the truehope people and have a support account, because I was just going to take one a day. But it seems that this stuff, this truehope stuff is really powerful. And they talk about how when your body gets the right nutrition, it starts to make the drugs be overmedicating because it doesn't really need that anymore, because it's using the nutrition. So it's getting the right nutrition. And then now all these drugs are like poisonous, and the body's sensing it as poisonous. And I've heard them say that before numerous times, because I've heard them speak numerous times over the years. And then this happens and I'm just thinking this is weird becaus

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

consciousness, manic, talk, create, part, brain, embodied, universe, ego, feel, bipolar, state, oneness, prefrontal cortex, mania, living, deficits, entropy, thought, problem

I feel it's maybe important that since in the state of mania, one feels like everything is one, that it would be important to design a society that keeps that in mind or in heart. Because I think it fizzles out because eventually that energy where everyone and everything is one wears off, because it's not actually reflected that way. In reality in the material world, one can go into that state in consciousness and feel that in consciousness, and if one was there long enough, one might be able to create that. And I think it can be created to some extent in, in daily life. Because again, all this talk about manic consciousness and embodied mania and harvesting mania isn't about being in that state of consciousness. It's about embodying those types of behaviors and, and joyousness. It's one thing to be propelled into those sorts of behaviors and joyousness, because that type of chemical is made endogenously, for whatever reason. Or however it works. It could work in a multitude of ways. What I'm trying to say is by embodying that in regular consciousness, it will be practiced in the neurology and the physiology in a daily life way in the sort of daily life embodied way. And I think it's something even, quote unquote, normal people can do is that one day, normal people will be looking to that state and how people are in that state in order to figure out how to be in life. Because it can be created internally, and one can act that way. Or one can act that way. And it'll be created internally. So a lot of times the universe will do the internal creation for us in order to give us that kind of clue. could think of it as a game. And then it's a matter of having that state of oneness inform one's life instead of going back to the state of thinking in order to inform one's life. And I'm going to try and put this somewhat to the test myself. And in that Ted Talk with that woman, she said, her father said, if there's a problem, and no solution, then you've got to create this solution. And you also have to figure out exactly what the problem is. And the trouble partly is that, I guess I don't really know what the problem is. Part of the problem could be that reality is just too dealt. And so the universe comes in and tries to make it more interesting. Even if one is in the exact same place, they always are all sudden, so interesting. Well, that's a cool game. A lot of us feel like life is meaningless. And then the universe comes in and shows us. Wow, there's meaning everywhere. And perhaps that's part of the thing is that it's a matter of adopting the attitude that the universe would have us have, no matter what. be joyous and loving and spontaneous and curious and playful. That might have been why I was thriving when I was working in that medical clinic because I was just that and not trying to do anything in particular sort of being as the universe would want me to be. And that does everything. So I guess in a way that's back to the whole idea of being versus doing I think that's part of it is that mania is a state of being. And then everything just happens. miraculous miraculously, part of the self dial of two must be creating neuroplastic changes in my brain over self dialog, sort of creating those channels where I can talk to myself really easily. And maybe one day, I'll be able to talk with other people. And I think that if there is information coming out of my body and out of my nervous system, due to changes in entropy, or changes in consciousness are however it works. By talking to myself in this way, I'm actually maybe creating more neural networks for that energy to go, creating more channels for the energy to go. And even by talking myself on that entropy, the words, the information, the dialogue is goin

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

consciousness, mania, bipolar, life, feel, state, brain, part, energy, universe, manic, people, glial cells, neurons, learning, create, prefrontal cortex, happening, exercises, oneness

I think part of it is getting back to focusing on the positive aspects, I've been focusing on the negative because I work in mental health, and there's a lot of negative stuff going on. I think I could talk about that for years. And there's positive stuff too, of course. But I feel like I want to focus on the gifts and and one of the gifts is this hyper learning, and what does this hyper learning want to learn? And move towards? And is there a sustainable way to be in that consciousness. And I actually feel like manic consciousness is the new consciousness. It's playful, it's joyous. And if you look at the scale of consciousness by Dr. David Hawkins, those are the higher states of consciousness, and our brain goes there. But it's difficult to actually stay there. Because Ken Wilber talks about how states are temporary. And you can, you can by states of consciousness, you can be in a state a high state just by taking some kind of illicit drug. Whereas the stages are actually earned. So how do we embody our mania and harvest our mania and move towards practicing it to actually get to the stage of joy and playfulness and love, not just having that as a state? The state, we get a lot of times just organically through our own endogenous bio molecules, it's all we can create them ourselves. And it's a matter of I think it's a matter of how do we design our life? That is that joyful? that we're creating those biomolecules endogenously automatically. And that's part of manic lifestyle design. How do we design our life? Because when we're in that consciousness, we act in different ways. We're random or spontaneous, we're creative, we're playful, how do we design our life to just be that way. And then we're, we're almost earning that state, by creating our life in that way. And by creator creating our life in that way, we're actually in alignment with the universe and what the universe would want for us. The universe doesn't want us to be habitual, programmed, robotic drums. It wants us to be one with life. And I was listening to a talk by Eckhart totally and somebody asked, What's the significance or what's the point of mental illness or something and, and he sort of, was beating around the bush for a while. And then he actually talked about it in terms of suffering, because his things about how suffering leads to awakening, or it can. And then something he did talk about, was that it's all one life, it's all one consciousness. It's not separate, like, it's not my life and your life, it's just life. So I liked that reminder of, of the whole oneness thing, it's life. And I think that's what actually happens when we go into manic consciousness is we're just one with life. Like, that's actually the energy of life. That's the energy that feeds the plants. That's the energy that feeds all creatures on earth. But we've sort of separated ourselves from that life energy by by thinking. And I think in the end, we all get returned to that life energy, because it is just one life. It's like, I'm life and somebody else's life, and we're interacting, well, are we interacting based on the principles of life? Are we interacting based on these rules of thought that we've created with our dividing minds to keep ourselves separate? And I was thinking about how lately I've been struggling with some so called anxiety. And I haven't really created any stories in my mind about it. So I felt it mostly as pain in my body. And then sometimes I'll have a little bit of a story come up as to what it could be related to, and it could be something from years ago or now or, or whenever. And what I'm thinking though, is usually I don't feel this kind of anxiety. I go into a state of terror pretty quickly and then I dissociate and the

So today is day two of taking one capsule of EMP. I think I've had a little bit less anxiety today. Today, it's kind of sunny out, or at least it was. So I decided to take a Kia Soul for a test drive. Because right now I have a 1992 Toyota Corolla. And that's definitely not going to get me to California. So I'm not sure if I'll be driving a new vehicle, driving my Corolla, taking an airplane or a train. Right now my car has a broken driver's side, outside door handle. So I either have to leave the car open a crack, or climb in the passenger side Batman style. And I don't mind leaving an open a crack. But if it's a hill, then the door actually stays open too far. So I have to lock it, I have to close it. And once I click it, it's, it's in the passenger door for me. And I backed up a few boxes today. As I'm hoping to get everything of my staff my personal stuff into my second bedroom. And I still haven't officially quit my job. But I'll have to deal with that in the next couple of days. Because it's official, I am going to go to California. And after tomorrow and already even could be by today, but I'll say for sure January 1, it'll have been the longest that I've managed to stay out of the psych ward, since I started having relapses. So I had three so called relapses. And it'd be the longest I've managed to not have a relapse. And part of it could be because of this self dialog stuff. I was watching some TED talks today. And one of them. It wasn't particularly interesting, somebody's talking about their experience of bipolar disorder. But one thing she said was having somebody to talk to about it. And and in this process, I at least have myself to talk to you about it. And then I watched another TED talk that says that the best predictor of happiness and, and longevity and things like that. His relationships are having satisfying and meaningful relationships. I actually think that it might be owning a bad day. I just got mine hooked up today, it was a Christmas present. And I haven't tried it yet. I'm a little bit afraid of the cold water, it'll be like Yikes. But I'm actually thinking that they're gonna have to rewrite their 75 year study and say that the actual best predictor of happiness is having a bad day, which is a bump sprayer that goes on your toilet. But second, would definitely be relationships. And I have some really good relationships in my life. Though I would love to be able to have more. Maybe it's not even just relationships, but relating because I did the best when I was living in community mental health community. And then after that I was working in a medical office and there was just a lot of people coming in a lot of relating even though I didn't have super close long term friendships with people there that I did a lot of relating. I was thinking about gestures again today because I was thinking about how even something as simple as letting somebody in in traffic and then they give a wave. It's a gesture. It's a stranger giving a gesture. But in that moment, both people are on the same page. Both people are related. There's this giving and receiving. So one person's giving the gesture the other person's receiving the gesture. And in that moment in that give and receive It's just one relationship is just one thing. It's one consciousness, it's to suppose that individual consciousnesses meeting in this relationship in that both understand what that means. And I think that is sort of the key to oneness, in a way. Because if I'm having a conversation with somebody, and we're talking back and forth and say we're just arguing about opinions, it's two separate things. There's no actual communication there. But the true communication happens when one person is giving the other receiving and both actually know what it means. And that's when to sort of become one. And I think the ability to do that is what's really powerful. And I think that's part of those human dimensions, those inner human dimensions. And it's