Bipolar Inquiry

I got an email with some tips in it. And one of the tips was to know your way of sabotaging yourself. And I thought it was kind of funny because the other day I decided that I really need to start consciously sabotaging myself sabotaging the whole life that I've built in preparation for taking off to California for a little while. And part of it's because it seems like this bipolar energy wants to destroy it was experiencing a lot of so called anxiety around my job. And then something else happened that gave me more anxiety on top of the job thing, and, and I feel like that something else happening was actually to give me more anxiety in order to see that the path I was headed down wasn't good, because I hadn't really been able to see that. And it also showed me some of my weaknesses. And so I have been feeling a lot of energy going through my body, and some of it has been quite painful. So I can't really say that it's fun. And I also feel though, that by not really labeling it bad or good. If I've labeled it bad, it's going to make it it's going to make it worse, or it's going to make it fearful. And that's when I feel like it's possible that those other fearful thoughts and associations can come in. So I've just been sitting with it in terms of the feeling of the energy of it. And not really making up any stories about it. So it passes. And then it comes back. Today I went out and I got myself some EMP. It's something that one has to be careful taking well taking psych meds because it can sort of make one overmedicated in a way. least that's what they say. Especially with lithium, and that's what I'm taking. But I figure that since I'm I used to be taking a mineral supplement, just to use it up it was like a kelp based mineral supplement. And then when I ran out of that I was taking some minerals in the form of Sheila G, which is that black tar looking stuff. And I would just put it in my yerba Mattei a tea. And I ran out of that. And since then I haven't had like a multi mineral of any kind of had. I do take zinc and magnesium. But I haven't had a broad spectrum supplement. And they're in pretty small doses. But since I've been experiencing so called symptoms, then I would think that my medication isn't really quite working to its full degree because the stress I've experienced is extra stress. So that's why I'm going to take this just one a day. I also had to research today, psych wards in California to be prepared if that happens when I'm in California, and would probably cost me close to 10 grand. So I'm really hoping that doesn't happen. But at the same time, I don't think it will. So I'm willing to take that risk. I was wanting to drive down there in my old car but my family is really not liking that idea because it'll be winter time. So I have to figure out if I'll just take a train or a plane and try and get a car down there something because I don't really want to be in the sort of secluded area I'll be in without a car. Today I also took back my sharps container had a big container of used syringes because I used to inject b 12 until I found out that that wasn't the best kind of B 12 for me My naturopath, I did that DNA test through 23andme. And he told me to take the other kind of B 12, which is hydroxy b 12. For me, specifically, everybody's individual, of course. So it's really interesting to me whenever I think I'm doing something good for myself, but it turns out that I'm really not. And I think though that at the same time, there's somewhat of a placebo effect of if I'm doing something good for myself, or at least I think I am, then maybe it does some good because at least, I'm attempting to care about myself. And the placebo, I feel a lot of it is actually the underlying gesture of love and caring that is what causes the positive change, not necessarily what is in the pill, or what is done in surgery. So if there was any kind of bad effect from actually doing that to myself, it's possible, it was partly n

When Consciousness goes through our nervous system, it creates a version of ourselves. Or it's creating some of the projections of thought in terms of past and future. Who unconscious consciousness goes through our nervous system and, and there's no distortion by thought, then it's sort of our original Light Body version of ourself, our original trajectory. So the field of consciousness is the field of consciousness, but then it sort of interacts with the field of thought, which could be actually stored in the body. So those thoughts, those words are stored in our body in our DNA, they're going through our nervous system, and, and they're distorting the original consciousness, which is love. And the level of the thought is sort of what determines the level of consciousness. But normally, we just let this process go on, we don't see what we're doing. I feel like that Universal Consciousness is spontaneity. But thought, bad is the thing that stops us, there's like that spontaneous energy. And then the thought comes in, and explains it away. And then explain something in our own voice that we feel is us in order to remain consistent, and to not actually experience more of the spectrum of consciousness. And normally, we try to actually erase our state by having better thoughts, but really thought is still interrupting that spontaneous energy. So there's a difference between being in a state of joy, being in a spontaneous state of joy and thinking something joyful. Whereas if we were in a spontaneous state of joy, we might think something joyful. And since manic consciousness is so spontaneous and joyful, but most of society and people aren't that way, it can seem rather odd. It's like being spontaneous and joyful for no reason. And the no reason part is the part that is somewhat disturbing. But it's reasons that actually prevent spontaneous joy. Because reason is thought. And on the scale of consciousness of Dr. David Hawkins reason is actually below. Joy. I watched a quick Bernie brown clip, as you said, is rarely the response that helps it's the connection. Responses words, what is connection? Something more subtle than the words you would think that the words would be more powerful because they're actually something. A connection might just be a look in the eyes or a touch on the shoulder. I wrote down that the ego is preoccupation. Or we preoccupied with the past and the future. Why aren't we occupied with the now? The preoccupation is in the prefrontal cortex. We're preoccupied with our own prefrontal cortex. And we're missing all of this. And then some, some of us get connected with this and mania map consciousness. We're like, Oh, my God, look where I am in the most beautiful place in the universe. And then regular consciousness people come and say new. No, no, you're just crazy. We're gonna go back to our prefrontal cortex and so should you. Map consciousness is like a giant sound check. Like one can hear the sound of love the voice of love, one can feel the love that makes all of us grow and all the plants grow. It's the love that made sense all its life. I was reading a little bit about the Meisner technique and acting and sounds kind of like embodied mania in a way because it's like, just do it. Don't act like you're doing it, do it. And it seems like people need to be more like that in reality I could create some games to illustrate embodied mania. I thought of a game called yes mania. Because there's that movie Yes, man. Yes, mania. What would a manic person do? And in the training he talked about as you train, the acting comes not from the head, but from impulses. So it's almost like he was trying to train impulses back into people. But we've pretty much in society determined that impulses aren't good. Because those often could be out of alignment with consistency. But life perhaps is built on impulses, impulses, spontaneity. And he also talked about how good acting comes from the heart. There is no mentality in i

I feel like when trauma happens, what happens is a person's perception is damaged in that they're unable to perceive the world without fear. And if people get medicated, they're punished and locked up for being traumatized. So they're traumatized again. I feel like in spiritual emergence, there's something else guiding and directing behavior is probably love. came across this Einstein article letter thing, and he was saying how equals mc squared is actually supposed to be equals love times c squared. And neural tribes. People with similar brains have to stick together. And I feel like this bipolar brain thing is an emergent neuro tribe. Because the growth of the brain is dependent on being relational and communicating with each other. So it's important to start communicating in these ways in order for that relational neural tribe to actually develop otherwise remains in isolated human brains. Maybe that's the thing. The whole medicating people into a band aided ego state is to keep them separate and actually believing them selves to be a part of a mental illness neural tribe, a tribe of defective people. Because these new communication, and new information circuits need to grow. If we don't talk about them, they're going to atrophy. And the brain is not an independent entity. It doesn't exist in isolation. It exists in relationship to all that is around it in its environment, it's actually a mirror of the environment. But what is it that the brain could mirror outward into the environment if we started being relational in these ways, and talking about these processes and other ways besides being defective and and saying that one should isolate? I think in my consciousness, our brains become like puzzle pieces. And we actually need each other and we need to communicate with each other in these ways. And actually think that's part of map consciousness. In ego consciousness, we actually have these separate brains. But for map consciousness, to really take hold and to hold us, we must be together, we must be us. Because otherwise, a certain brain grows into the map conscious state. And then ego centered brains come in and just stomp on it. But if there were more people relating in this way that then individual brains couldn't be stomped on and said, You're defective, take these pills and, and keep to yourself. I want us to have our brains back. But we need to be together. Because I feel like when we go into map consciousness, the reasons why so many of us have very similar perceptions and experiences, because it's that oneness is that one consciousness, it's a fundamental part of us. It's our fundamental nature becomes so distracted that that part of our nature has become foreign to us. If there's an experience in consciousness that the ego can't measure, the brain needs to create new categories for it. And as categories are created and healed, it becomes a game. I feel like thought is an accumulation. So when one goes into mania, one goes above the world of thoughts into new thoughts, but then when one comes back down into regular consciousness, one has to again, face the accumulation of personal collective thoughts, which is the past. So really, in mania, we're trying to decouple from our past, from our history. And when we're decoupled from that, where we can be anything we want. How does consciousness travel through the human nervous system? spark of the heart probably comes from consciousness and it's electricity. So consciousness in a way could be some kind of electromagnetic phenomenon. Likely light, consciousness is made out of light. All the properties of physics are actually the properties of consciousness, even gravity and of the human nervous system. And they come from the human nervous system in terms of ideas, thoughts, and inventions. And in terms of Dr. David Hawkins scale of consciousness, I'm wondering if that level of consciousness is sort of what is sparking the heart. And, and the beat of the heart is as th

So Tony Robbins said, need a vision that has the power to pull you when my vision is cordoned California for six months. Coming back, having the ecpr people come here, train people, somebody wants to become a trainer, somebody becomes a trainer. And then things go from there. I guess in saying that, it shows me that really, I just don't want people to be pathologized. I don't want people to be told they have a mental illness in the first place. I was told after two days in the psych ward. And so that is my vision is d pathologize. ation of extreme states. And beyond that seeing the gifts in those extreme states. And I've already talked about that. And I don't want to start repeating myself too much. But there are gifts. And there there is healing that happens and strong reasons why was number two for Tony Robbins and I want to be off meds so then I can keep my kidneys and my thyroid in good shape. Because I'll need them for those extra 25 years that I want to live, that will likely be taken away from me if I remain in this paradigm. And it's not just having those 25 years back. But what am I going to do with those 25 years, I think that might be the most important part is that I have to have good enough reasons to have those 25 years back. So if I just come off meds for my own little 25 years, that's not very powerful. But if I have that goal in order to help other people will get their 25 years back, then that's a lot more powerful than just for my own personal wellness. And he also talked about raise your standards? Well, I have high standards and that I don't want to be on medication. And so when he talks about needing to stay consistent with who we think we are, well, I think bipolar actually gives us access to different dimensions of ourselves to experiment. Well, is this who I am, is this who I am. Do I want to be more like this. And I think that's for me where embodied mania comes in is there could have been a lot of experience ones had in mania and psychosis that one would not want to embody. And so by having access to more of the spectrum, one can actually choose different ways of being after the fact through embodied practice versus always assuming one is this consistent entity that one is trying to stay consistent with. And he said joy comes when we're spontaneous. So that's definitely true of mania being super spontaneous, is being super joyful. So synchronicities, spontaneity, joy. I feel those are part of embodied mania. And so that's what Tony Robbins said is, the strongest force in the human personality is to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. I defined myself as somebody who's not on medication, who's very healthy. I would like to help bring the gift of wellness to people. First, I have to create it myself. I'm optimistic that I can get off medication or watch another talk online and the guy said invest in your own brain and he was talking about education and reading and stuff but I think too, coming off medication is investing in my own brain. Part of my wellness company actually the beginning part it's actually investing in myself and experimenting with myself. I remember years ago, I had a chronic fatigue like syndrome thing going on. And when I finally was able to heal myself of it through diet and and things like that I told myself I really wanted to help other people have really good health. But then I didn't do that and then it was too late and then I had this mental health condition. So I feel like by doing these videos when I do come off medication, at least all have already created something that might be helpful. And I don't know if it will be or not. I have no idea but the videos I was doing For sort of like a big reframe, and big context creation. And I feel already that even in my last couple of weeks of struggle that some of that context has helped me. It sort of feels like it arises in consciousness when, when I'm going through something, and that's that story, those words, in my

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

bipolar, trauma, thinking, resonance, manic energy, mania, bipolar disorder, spontaneous, psychosis, sabotage

I got this top for Christmas. And it's pretty poignant. Considering that in a month and a half or so I will be heading to California. I still haven't officially quit my job by but that might happen in the next couple of days. So there's lots of changes that I have to make. And I've definitely been struggling this last week or so in terms of the changes and other things happening in my life. But I've also come to some realizations. Right now, it's pretty quiet in here because it again snowed. So that's nice. And since I'm not feeling very at home here in my home, because of the noise, I feel sort of displaced. I feel like that bipolar energy is going to come in and start to try to destroy things in my life. And that's what it's done three times in the past two years, because I've gone to the psych ward three times. And at the end of this week, it'll be the longest period of time that I've stayed out of the psych ward since my first so called relapse in 2015, in February. And it feels like I've been walking the line of clicking into psychosis, or I've even experienced elements of it, but have been able to maintain control. So I don't even know if it was the psychosis thing at all. So called psychosis or if it was just strong feelings, because some of those sensations I had were pretty strong, like I was laying in bed and fall asleep and my whole body was on fire and in pain, and those are things that would normally be happening if I was going into that mode of spiraling out of control. So it seems like I'm flirting with spiraling out of control. At which point, I would definitely make the decision to quit my job and, and things like that. So it seems like that bipolar energy wants to come in and, and sabotage those things. And so I was thinking to myself, well, maybe that's why it's important to do it. Myself consciously, instead of waiting for this subconscious process to take over and, and make it so I don't have a choice. And then, when that happens, I also don't have a choice on many other things in my life, like, perhaps the type of medication I put on in the psych ward, or how long I'm in the psych ward or so many other things. So I feel like, I need to consciously destroy that. And I was watching a Tony Robbins video this morning, his 2017 New Year's resolution video or something, and he was talking about how what's important is progress. Because he says change happens. But it's not always progress. But I was thinking in my case that sometimes progress is actually destroying those things that aren't working and aren't right or don't resonate. So that doesn't really seem like progress. To for me to destroy a potential career in the mainstream medical field doesn't necessarily feel like progress per se. But also to for me to exit that when I've sort of reached a peak of something consciously walk away. And that's something I wasn't able to do in one of my last jobs. And then after that, since I didn't do that. I ended up in a very bad situation that actually might have led to this whole bipolar disorder thing in the first place. So it's almost like I've come full circle nearly six years later. Actually over six years later. And on paper, I've sort of reached a good place in terms of being diagnosed with mental illness, having a decent position in mainstream paradigm, I have my own place, I have an old car. I have pretty good health, considering I'm taking medication. So on paper, everything's pretty good. Yet, I feel like I want to say goodbye to all of it. Because even that pretty good. State is not what I resonate with. I just don't resonate. It doesn't inspire me to support people who have been poisoned into a state. So beyond anything, and just sit there and smile and nod as they say, Oh, yeah, I'm doing so well, when they look like they could drop dead any se

not sure if I'll get through this video or if I even want to make a video right now but feeling the after-effects from days past I'm definitely feeling the energy of it all it feels like so-called anxiety just feel like it's really interesting how it was brought into consciousness it's like it's there for sure it's definitely disc it's definitely uncomfortable it definitely feels physical it doesn't feel like it's being transformed into any kind of thought form it's possible because I've been practicing seeing any thought form as a snake and although I wasn't doing that in those few days of desire now it feels like that energy remains but there's no real thoughts like I don't know it's difficult to describe I wonder what that sensation is trying to tell me cuz it's pretty strong it feels like oh I don't know if I can work if it doesn't go away so I don't know if it's related to those few days of desire or if it's related to work or both or if going into that desire state since it was very strong energy that energy is now being transferred to the desire to not want to do the job that I have so it's almost like this energy is going to get to the point where I can't do it because I was thinking that sometimes I stay in jobs too long and then I something happens and I'm like why should have left and i'm feeling like that and I even said that to a friend yesterday and when I said it out loud I really heard myself say it I really heard it and I was like whoa like that is premonition if I don't listen then I don't know maybe the anxiety feeling is sort of that I want it to be giving towards someone and now I won't have that opportunity plus I did this trauma release exercise called tre and I bought the app and after and before I did it I felt sort of I don't know how to describe it may be a little bit all over the place and now after I did the tre I feel more like the sensation the energy is localized like right in my stomach what's strong but it's not super it's not it's not unmanageable I guess though it might make it harder to sleep so I might take something to help me sleep or something about how when I was in the psych ward April they they trapped me they drop me gave me drugs that I didn't want I didn't ask for and then they wouldn't let me go it's like a similar thing being repeated and I was just thinking today about how so many people are so over medicated and just like medicated into such a a dull life yet some people are are kind of happy with that because they're not may be super symptomatic but they're not they're not symptomatic of living a thriving life either people put on pills they gain weight they get other chronic illnesses and I just want to help people not have to go on those bats in the first place because so many people when they get on them they don't get off and then there's those 25 lost years it's really shitty it's really bad I called the EMP people the true hope people Ian Power Plus and they said that it would take a couple months to get off lithium he said let theam is one of the easiest ones to get off of in terms of withdrawal effects I wish I could do that now like I want to if I eliminate the stress of that job then I add in the stress of not having ton of money I think it's just a matter of investing my energy in the wrong direction Krishnamurti said something to talk about knowing how to cooperate and knowing how not to cooperate I guess I feel like like mental health is just something I don't want to cooperate with any more sorry done playing that game I feel like to i need to be in a situation where i can be loved where i can be loving when happy and joyful it's not really the scenario of mental health just makes me kind of angry and I don't feel I don't feel angry really it's more like operating at the level of anger because it's just stuff that angers me but I don't necessarily feel anger but still they are energetically I have been having a lot of insights today one thing I thought of is

I think it's time to inject some personal stuff into this context creation only just in general though because I'm not really ready to get particular but what happened lately was that Mets on that I was interested in more than just a friend and it felt like this energy was taking me over like this strong desire that I haven't really experienced in awhile which could be med related or just I don't generally get myself into those situations but I felt myself getting way ahead of myself for sure and then the thing was that I felt like I needed to know if the person felt the same way and it was so strong and and then we met up again and it was just really indicative by their behavior that there was that kind of connection which is not really anybody's fault if it's not there it's not there so I feel a lot better today because we met up another town recently and I was sort of noticing the disconnection and it made me feel uncomfortable because I wanted to be connected and then in the space between that meeting and the next one I sort of determined well I'm going to find out if there's a connection or not for for sure and so I did certain things that was sort of like testing out the connection and and there was no connection and so when I got home I felt very maybe I guess like disappointed in myself for getting ahead of myself and it was pretty uncomfortable and then today I feel a lot better because i feel like well i know that there's no connection so I can move on where is the time the days in between the two meetings I didn't really know and I was wanting to know and I was sort of disappointed in myself for not knowing for sure that other time and then in the time have been between I was quite uncomfortable and it's not really disappointed in myself I'm just I'm trying to take a responsibility I'm trying to have a word that takes responsibility for my feelings because it's not the other person's fault for not feeling that sort of connection and so I'm not sure if we'll hang out again or not cuz I'm not really sure what was happening and and that's okay too it's not the first time that's happened it won't be the last but in the days in between it was really strange I was I had these sensations and these energies going through me like actually like physical pain like I had this like burning sensation in my body and all these different painful sensations that almost reminded me of so-called psychosis sometimes our so-called anxiety but really extreme and it felt like my whole body and DNA energy and entropy was just being reorganized and I wasn't sure if it was being reorganized to be more open to being vulnerable with a person or it also reminded me of a time when I felt really strongly connected to someone about six years ago and it didn't really end well I just remember how strongly I was attracted to this person and and it ended in such a way it was only a friendship but it ended in such a way that I never really processed those strong feelings I just sort of was like wow this isn't something that I can continue with it all and just like dropped it and actually never really thought about it another second in terms of that person and it almost felt like I was back in those last moments of hanging out with that person actually think i saw them one more time but it felt like some of the fallout from that it felt like maybe i was taken back to processing some of that and there was a lot of pain so it was really what I sort of realized was that pleasure as desire really is pain because I was feeling strong desire and then I was feeling really strong painful so called anxiety and actually body pain and physical pain to the point where I had to take PRN to sleep and I haven't taken that pure in for a couple of days just to make sure I get rest and and so it just really showed me that that pleasure is pain because and that desire [Music] it felt like my body was starting to make those biomolecules of that strong desire an

video number 101 I'm feeling some you stress for reasons that I won't elaborate on now but we're back into talking about contacts notes that I made and they're a bit out of order because when I don't make videos for days and then typing notes I don't really keep track of any logical order that they go in per se and I was thinking about how context itself is sort of disorder it's like this greater expanse of information and then the content is something that we unfold from the context and we appoint as meaningful so there's infinite context but we are pulling from a very limited amount of the context so the context of the experiences that I've had is something different than the words trying to describe that context so even the words that are somewhat contextual or content extrapolated from the experience the context of the experience not just the experience itself not just describing the experience in terms of content but unfolding the implications as well and it seems to me that context is disordered in a way because it's not the order of the way our brains have been programmed to to see and make meaning of things but at the same time it's like a greater order in that it's an unfolded order it's an order that we haven't yet made meaning out of or seen any meaning in maybe that's part of it that meaningful domain wants us to see the meaning of the meaningful domain instead of keeping making the same meanings all the time because then it becomes meaning less because we start to not even perceive the things that were no longer making meaning out of and that's part of the learning process it's it's part of what is designed in our brain so we keep learning and oftentimes we replace that with the process of continuing to desire more and more things but really I think that redundancy processor that hedonic adaptation asst Jason Silva says in his videos is for us to keep learning but we've been told what to know and so we stopped learning become habits and we desire and desire more and more and more and more instead of learning which is innately fulfilling without needing to desire any particular thing and by desiring something in particular we're actually missing out on everything else that we could be perceiving but our little ego probe compass has put its little feelers out for something in particular that we think that we want and then often times when we get it where are we wanting the next thing so I think that pleasure desire process has taken over learning and actually part of my you stress right now has to do with desire in a way and and I can see that it's possible that this desire will block learning because of that very thing and not to say that desire is bad it's one part of the functionality of the spectrum of the kaleidoscope of tools we have within our brain through which to learn but it's the one that we've made dominant and when that one is over utilized it sort of crowds out those other capacities those other human dimensions so one dimension is desire perhaps and that takes over nearly everything and desire is tied into the me in the ego whereas the other human dimensions are tied more into world centricity and altruism and the common humanity and the connection and there are definite physical desires as in needs and then we extend those into mental desires through our image making process and I was talking about the little book of clarity by Jamie smart and he talked about implication based learning and I can't remember if I talked about how this process of context unfolding in self dialogue in a ways implication based learning because I'm reading between the lines of my experience and then also talking to myself and reading between the lines of talking to myself so I'm just seeing further and further possible implications and perhaps that's part of what dr. david bohm talks about the implicit order in the explicit order there's things that are implicit and there's things that are explicit so I wonder what the

I'm feeling a lot of you stressed right now there's some stuff going on potentially good but I just feel really you stressful reporting from the bridge reporting from planet zipped on apparently this is my 100th video to myself in self dialogue and I got this selfie stick with a mic in the mail and I ordered it off of indy gogo perhaps a year ago go I'm not sure if it was worth it the initial design is different than what they were able to produce as the final model but whatever I'm noticing that it's getting heavy to hold already not very strong I hold it more like a hockey stick it's a little bit better so maybe I'll try this thing I'm not sure if I'm sold on having this thing in front of my face don't really like these things near my face yesterday I was talking about the movie healing voices and I don't remember how far I got but this will be my 100th video since June twentieth which is nearly six months of making videos to myself and I did mention that when I was trying to delete some of the videos from my phone I accidentally did watch just a little bit of a few of them and I noticed my voice sounds different and I also noticed i remember early on i would say so a lot more and also basically and then after I did that deleting of the videos the next video i made i noticed i said basically quite a few times so it's interesting how watching that just briefly sort of put me back in that space from time long forgotten and so I wonder if it would actually be worth watching them ever again or not because I do watch them once when I edit out the gaps in my thinking or looking at my laptop but other than that I don't know how useful it is because if I actually watch it it's almost like my consciousness goes back to that but maybe I will but I don't think I will until the year mark except for making sure i'm deleting the right videos off my phone in the movie they give another good term they give the term other sensory experiences and i like that term to describe altered states of consciousness because altered states of consciousness sounds a bit more abstract than having other sensory experiences because sensory are of the body whereas consciousness people might think well what's that what does that really mean altered states of consciousness and maybe other sensory experiences a part of altered states of consciousness and I wonder if other sensory experiences as well as altered states of consciousness are all those other experiences that can't be accounted for in terms of the ego recognition and measurement it's other than our programming and conditioning there was one person in the documentary and his mom talked about just being a witness just being there I see you I don't understand it but let's go with it and I thought that was pretty well put because I've talked about before and probably recently about the importance of witnessing and this process of self dialogue as witnessing myself taking responsibility for witnessing myself because I realized that people who can listen are in short supply and also people that might have the context within themselves to be able to to listen and witness what I have to share there could be a lot of them out there but some are in hiding and maybe they're dispersed geographically and there was a scene where another person in the movie was saying I just can't stand them saying mental illness mental illness mental illness and it was a brief scene but it really resonated with me because I don't like hearing that either and that's the trouble a lot of times is working or sharing within that paradigm it's like well here's someone share their mental illness story well I don't see my story as a mental illness story but it's shared within that context so it's it feels incongruent it's almost like hearing nails on a chalkboard and in her speech in that scene in the video she said people labeled with mental health and substance use problems and that's how I see it too with people labeled lived exper

I haven't made a video in a few days I was sort of busy with other things and today I actually watched the healing voices movie because i pre-ordered it and I got it in my email this morning so I washed it right away and it was really well done and I think watching it is a little bit of a turning point in a way because I feel like I want to find other people to talk to who don't necessarily want to be pathologized or medicalized and the main person in the movies oryx Cohen and I didn't know much about him and I don't really want to talk about what happens in the movie too much because it's better to actually get it and watch it something that really did in the beginning and for me it's going back to some of the stuff I talked about before was that people who are part of the mainstream mental health system statistically died 25 years earlier than the rest of the population and I was thinking to myself like I want those 25 years back or I want those 25 years I don't want to think right now that my life is half over I want to think that it's one-third over or maybe a quarter over even and so part of what I want to create a theme of that would be to get those 25 years back and maybe part of that is by transcending the need for the mental health system and they said the hearing voices movement is for people who lived experience of the mental health system trauma and extreme states of consciousness and I would say I meet all three of those criteria and robert whittaker is also in the movie and he mentions listening to people in extreme states or in so-called psychosis and a lot of myself dialogue is to listen to and witness myself and part of it is to unfold context from a place of wellness instead of just waiting from a state where I feel I need someone to witness my distress and usually that gets medicalized i'm thinking it's possible that by witnessing myself unfold a lot of contacts for myself and listen to myself and talk with myself because i realized that not everyone has the time or context to listen to me and understand me whereas i have both of those things and I'm wondering if that will create a bit of an immunity to if trouble ever arises again which it likely will wonder if just as the body can have inflammation and that's sort of a sign of I was talking about how the body can have inflammation and that's a sign of injury maybe when one has information overload in the experience of map consciousness or trans consciousness it's the sign of injury it's like trying to reorganize information around a past trauma experienced or past something and I was thinking about the movie healing voices and the title and how by using my voice to talk to myself it's like an attempt to heal my voice with my own voice and I've talked about in the past how the eagle was like our own voice turned against us and this process of self dialogue is actually my voice turned outward for me to see and listen to an experience as a mirror so in a way I'm healing my own voice with my own voice as opposed to having my voice turned against me and I don't want to say too much about the movie even though if I ever do release this it'll probably be long after the movie has come out anyway but some of the things I thought of while watching the movie that weren't necessarily directly related to what the movie was saying was how it's not so much that these are biological disorders but they're almost like diak reordering in consciousness I feel like it's a guy phenomenon it's from Gaia not really an individual human being and it's attempting to integrate us with Gaia and that's why this consciousness comes in and introduces us to the mysteries of consciousness and sort of the laws of consciousness and how the laws of consciousness are different from the rules of the ego game of society that societies created and it's almost like this energy gives us a glimpse of that mystery and a glimpse of how things actually work and then we come back to consensus reality