I just read this paper energy and information it's actually a scientific American article from 1971 and it's talking about energy and information and how energy and information are related I don't know if it says it in this paper but energy and information are generally the same they can be transformed into each other it gives an example of X number of joules per degree Kelvin per year or however many bits per second so joules per degree Kelvin per year can be converted to bits per second and I'm not exactly sure how this is relevant to myself dialogue but I just looked at the word entropy and [Music]one of the definitions is lack of order or predictability gradual decline into disorder and in terms of physics it's a thermodynamic quantity representing the unavailability of a systems thermal energy for conversion into mechanical work often interpreted as the degree of disorder or randomness in the system and I feel like in a way the process that I experience is like entropy of the ego it goes towards disorder and it does so not necessarily because that's a bad thing but because there's so much tied up into the ego it becomes a solid structure that really it's not so it's bound to break down at some point so the breakdown of that structure is actually part of a greater order and in terms of energy of talks about how the ego is a waste of energy and I feel like as it breaks down there's more energy available so then there's also more information available because the information that the ego presents is often linear and and repeating so it's not new information so when it breaks down that structure that prevents new information and it's actually in the way of the natural energy process of the brain when it breaks down that energy is available so other information is available and it seems confused and disordered mainly because society is structured around the order of the ego but it's not actually really natural order it's contrived and educated order so when that happens that's when things like hallucinations or delusions or different meanings can come into play mainly because now the brain is trying to establish this other order it's a living order where truth arises moment to moment and has to be let go and not actually believed once it's believed then it's actually attached to this ego structure that's going to start looping things it's going to record something and remember it and believe it when really it all has to be surrendered and we all have these ordered egos these separate me success structures when really that needs to go into disorder in order for a different order of us actually cooperating with each other to arise and it's like that disorder and that randomness and consciousness needs to happen in order for certain people to bounce up against each other and start cooperating but normally what happens as a person is perceived as mentally ill and then put into that order of reality which was not how that was meant to be classified in beginning of that and it says today we know that it takes energy to obtain knowledge and that it takes information to harness energy so the energy in our brain is tied up in our ego process and because of that we're not obtaining new knowledge we're not really learning much of anything and so when that structure breaks down we're often able to learn again and a lot of this is disordered and meaning is attached to things that don't have as much meaning as they feel like in the moment and so called hallucinations and delusions but really it's the brain trying to start to learn how to learn and how to acquire different knowledge and make other meanings than the ones that we've been programmed to make and just repeat all the time and it says it takes information to harness energy so once we've got this way larger context and spectrum and perspective and map to understand things we can then actually as our consciousness unfolds as our process of perception continues we can actually

I'm putting together a worksheet with a few things on it relating to what I want to do moving forward which is provide some options so simple things about safety like the representation agreement an advance directive and I used a group called nidus or knit asst and ID us to put mine together and then i have my medical ID in my phone and then i'm also considering getting a medical ID bracelet with something on it to the effect that long-term antipsychotics or any psychotics over 14 days gives me a necklace these you have reaction and I don't want to be on any of them so the one thing about that though is I don't know if I want to be walking around with the word antipsychotic or no on my body but at the same time it could be helpful I'm just wondering if there's a way to frame that without having to write that stuff because I talked to the company and they said i can write whatever I want so i could write goes to go stick up your butt if you try to pathologize me something like that but at the same time I'm not against being pathologized if I'm sort of past the point of no return and there's a way that's helpful to me in there's ways that are definitely not helpful and I feel like with different things in place I can possibly step up my level of attempting to thrive and then if I attempt to thrive so much so that at some point it appears that i attempt suicide well then that happens but at least I'll be pulled back to some version of my ego self and then also the SAP strap idea having a zap strap and my PRN so those are some of my safety tools not safety as in oh and now i'm going to protect myself from crisis but safety in that if i venture too far into unknown territory like inner unknown territory then i can keep myself safe and then i also wrote on the spiritual emergence network that's a safety tool for dialogue + emotional cpr training which I'm hoping to bring here and the voice is envisioned study club and the voices and visions support group as I found when I went to the group they were very much not into pathologizing that particular so-called symptom and i even have their group guidelines and i says except that voices and visions are real experience same with anything that i've talked about for me it's real for me sanctions of freedom to interpret experiences in any way i like this one about the facilitators not under any pressure to report back to anyone clinically and the facilitator said that other interpretations are more empowering and meaningful and i was thinking about that this morning i was thinking about if i want to put a positive spin on this diagnosis I've been given right then and there it would be scientifically proven that I would be expected to have better results so even if it is wanting to be called a pathology by some professional people if I put a positive spin on it it's going to help me and not just positive spin as in oh I can recover that's the going positive spin right now it's no I can use some of these strengths and abilities that I've gained I've gained empathy I've gained sensitivity and that makes it difficult to function sometimes but those are actually abilities and those sensitivities I can use actually to interpret and find meaning in my experience so by saying the experience is not meaningful is actually denying some of the main faculties that one gains through this process which is empathy and compassion because the process is so jarring and it's so vast that it definitely expands one's range of one's ability to sense and perceive things we can only really see something that we have the contacts for and by being given this vast array of context now we're more sensitive to so many things and that the thing is that the way society is designed most of the stuff that we would move towards in society naturally when we're programmed we actually will recoil from when we lose that programming because we see that it's dangerous and it's not actually how we're naturally wired as human bei

I was thinking a little bit more about Matt cons video on intention and I was thinking about how he said set big intentions for mundane tasks and I also realized in a way that the state of map consciousness is a state of a different intention completely so what Matt cons talking about is from ego consciousness setting big intentions and I was thinking about how in map consciousness the ego is scrambled and so there's a completely different intention there to begin with there's different meanings but the whole state seems to be of a different intentionality and it could be towards being relational and being embodied as one's child like self because that's how we are naturally in the ego is sort of programming that's in the way of our natural way of being and maybe the intention is to be creative and to learn which is beyond right and wrong because right and wrong would mean we have to compare it to previous knowledge and so we're always classifying and categorizing our perceptions based on previous knowledge and the previous knowledge is what is actually what is making things salient so we're only seeing what we previously know to be true and categorizing based on that whereas in map consciousness it's a state beyond right and wrong it's a state of always learning and there's pretty much no time to even judge whether something is right or wrong it's just like aha moment after aha moment and everything that is an aha moment is seen and understood as truth for that moment in the moment maybe not truth ultimately in context to every single moment but in that moment seen as truth and then it's let go and the next truth comes so it's like a state of living in truth for a moment to moment and when the ego starts to come in and try to judge and make things right or wrong good and bad then that moment a moment truth unfolding starts to get mixed up and then when it gets mixed up one starts to become in a state of confusion which leads to fear which leads to scary meanings and associations and then one eventually reassociate with ego consciousness the one that says right and wrong good or bad and I think too there's a difference in that when a person is in Eagle consciousness and and making these intentions it's still an abstraction and still a conceptualization whereas in map consciousness it's actually a state of being and the meaning and the intention are actually in the moment and then they're gone and in that way it's always new and diverse whereas if we're conceptualizing and abstracting in order to make intentions and meanings were still distracted from the infinite unfolding of the moment and i still feel there's value in doing that for sure I just see that when I compare it to the space of map consciousness when we're connecting with something of other meaning and of other intention besides the egos desires and intentions it's sort of like what he's talking about but the universe is doing it for us it's a way of being and I still feel what he's talking about is a way of being even though it's giving voice to altruistic intentions which is a good thing because it's a it's of a different quality than thinking about oneself I still don't think it's good to follow anybody really part of me just speaking to myself like this is perhaps giving permission to for us in a way to think for ourselves about stuff and talking about things like mania and psychosis for hours upon hours in ways that I choose to think about it and talk about it because it's my own experience a professional can give me a label but it's likely that professional has never experienced this so I'm talking about it and thinking about it and looking at it and inquiring about it in and presenting different perspectives on it in ways that I choose to think about it and I'm even using some scientific terms with my limited scientific background and reading but if if people that are professionals want to impose professional terms on my experience then I can use professio

I can see the value of stress in a way stress as allostatic load when it accumulates for me for example I have low tolerance to stress and when it accumulates I can get to a place where I'm in so called delusion or hallucination and these delusions and hallucinations are actually ascribing different meanings to reality and in a way if the reality is created in such a way that it's just stressful in a way when that adds up to a certain point it should accumulate in a way that creates it so the organism starts to make different meaning because if it's so stressful that the meaning is stress and suffering and pain because whatever it is that one has been programmed to see and experience and believed to be real and meaningful is now a source of pain it's giving stress and so that's stress once it gets to a certain point actually initiates a response in the organism such that they hallucinate or have delusions which is basically making different meaning outside the spectrum of regular consensus perception because perception has to perceive something else in order to move toward and create that and that that other perception could be just as true as consensus reality but since it's not consensus reality at seen as hallucination and delusion when really it's reality testing it's actually trying to push the spectrum of consciousness of what is acceptable reality to be something of different meaning maybe not necessarily better per se but the organism naturally moves towards wanting to create other meaning because this stressful meaning is painful and no longer meaningful it's actually leading towards destruction of the organism so the organism tries desperately to find other perceptions it finds meaningful and some of them actually can be even more destructive to the organism and cause more suffering and it seems like when a person goes outside that norm of consensus and to say mania and it's like ecstatic and and supposedly positive now to come back to consensus one goes into those negative things and one actually that could be part of it to not go too far out of consensus reality because then one is in isolation and so the negative scary stuff starts to happen so then one goes back to find safety with people because otherwise one which is go off into personal ecstasy and we would all just go our separate ways from each other we wouldn't even need each other anymore so the the coming back is sort of scary and it is a requirement so we then again need each other the trouble is upon return we're often pathologized and so one gets stuck in being pathologizing is never able to really harvest those new perceptions and those new meanings and there's the scary meanings to which can still be learned from as well I can just really see these stresses their perceptual stresses they're perceiving the same reality and being stressed about it and more and more because one is repeating the same stressful daily routine and then if somebody has more stressful events then it can lead to that point where consciousness wants to perceive something else that's meaningful in order to pretty much save the organism from continuing with that path that's not leading to anything meaningful because we might need meaning more than we need pleasure pleasure doesn't really sustain us for that long I was also thinking about the importance of the incongruence of moods and experiences so in the last week I wasn't feeling as good as usual if you want to call it that and I actually feel it's important that sometimes my mood be lower than what it is that I'm supposedly experiencing because if it was always the same in terms of if I'm doing something good then I feel good if I'm doing something not as good I feel bad then that would actually delude me into thinking I actually know what's happening and I know the meaning of things so in a way having incongruent mood is a way just to remind me like I have no idea what's going on and that's good because if I think I actua

5 years later...

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I was supposed to do some stand-up comedy but it's a big snowstorm here so I'm not going to be going when the cool thing about snow is that the traffic is way slower moving on my street so I'm not hearing engine noise all the time so I really like that I was at the farmers market the other day and I ran into a man that I've talked to a few times at the farmers market and he follows a man named matt khan and i think i mentioned him in one video but i'm not a fan of how he makes people repeat stuff just gives me the heebie-jeebies a bit but this man that I ran into he said I could watch this video on the key of intention or something like that so I watched it and he talks about how for his thing which is something about the Love Revolution he said the only thing that you need to do is to change the meanings you ascribe to the symbols that you experience or the symbols that we subjectively perceive and I think this is an alignment with a lot of different things I've talked about regarding trans consciousness or map consciousness I talked in earlier videos about how map consciousness is a hyper meaning state and is trying to give new meanings to things and I feel like we actually need that to happen so what Matt Khan is saying to intentionally do is something that the universe is doing through certain people it's a mechanism of the universe anyways so I could consciously sit here and create an intention he'll say every time I have a sip of water may all beings in the world have clean water and he says by doing this we raise our vibration so by changing our intentions are creating these big leaps in intention so I feel like that sometimes what happens in map consciousness one can feel like if I turn off this light switch the world is going to end and I remember feeling like if I eat all this honey I'm going to go into a diabetic coma and die that was part of my suicide attempt and I had other ones too I had all these interesting perceptions I remember feeling like there was some significance to crows like if I saw a crow it meant a certain thing so what I'm trying to get at here is in the state of map consciousness one starts to ascribe odd so-called odd meanings and values to things and what Matt kata saying is to set those intentionally like for example taking a sip of water and having the intention that everybody have clean water I feel like part of what I'm doing through self dialogue is assigning different meanings to so-called mania and psychosis and I could go step further and feel like may all beings be able to create their own context through which to navigate this mysterious and incredible human experience and I feel like what he's talking about is it's pretty good stuff in terms of setting the intentions but then again a person might be limited by the types of intentions when is setting maybe not I'm not sure about that one I think anything that is supposedly positive is a good thing so if it's helpful it's a good thing and I do like what he's saying about that it's a way to keep one's energy a bit higher and he also said we don't change the labels we shift the meaning and when you shift the meaning the experience changes and that's what I feel like I've been doing through self dialogue I'm not necessarily trying to remove the label I have of bipolar but I'm changing the meaning it has for me I'm creating a lot of different meanings and i feel like when i start to embody my mania more what Matt cotton is talking about in terms of setting intentions and really silly intentions with mundane behaviors are pretty extravagant intentions with mundane behaviors I remember doing that in manic consciousness the first time I remember feeling like a strong sense of something being true as an intention like if I gave ten dollars to somebody who looked like they could use a nice meal I felt more beyond just that I felt like it was healing more than just that gesture to that one person and I felt it pretty strongly so what I'm tryi

I'm reading a paper that I've had for a long time but I've never really read it and I don't read that much lately but this paper is called memes as replicators and I was just struck by something on here they're talking about memes and they use memes in terms of there can be parasitic memes which will kill the host but there aren't that many of them really and I'll probably talk about this bit again because it's very relevant to what I talk about in terms of the phenomena of autism and it says parasitic memes can be successful for a time but not for long jeans when they catch on to what's happening we'll design brains that reject parasitic means and I'm thinking about how children with autism how their brains are being designed genetically and they're rejecting language the rejecting memes and they do pick up language but they'll never really pick it up to the same extent because it's gotten to a point where even our supposedly successful memes are actually parasitic and I think we're really deluding ourselves if we think that they're healthy because the memes in general are about personal success and personal gain and seeing that as success and that can no longer be sustained so now brains are being designed to actually reject that they can't the brain actually can't absorb those memes anymore and I think that's the same thing that happens with people that go through map consciousness as that the memes are changing it's a state of experiencing all these different memes and new memes and I talked about before and videos a long time ago how there's like a pruning process that happens in this and one can experience really terrifying memes but they can be pruned off but if we don't manage to prune them sometimes we can end up harming ourselves or a lot of different things I feel in map consciousness we go outside the field of the program means the ones we are so embedded with and we see there's something else we feel free we're just free from our own linear program thought patterns and those are seen as normal but what we see as normal is actually going to destroy the planet so not only is it an individual thing and phenomena it's a pressure of the entire Gaius fear I feel and then it says symbiotic means which promote behavior adaptive to both themselves and the genes will be doubly successful in the long term for genes will design brains or epigenetic rules to be receptive to or creative of such means I think that's really important to it's saying that the genes can design brains and it can also design epigenetic rules for those means and I think that's what's happening with map consciousness that's why we can go into it epigenetic alee there's some kind of factor allowing us to go into that epigenetic space and it might only be temporary in that we don't have the nutrition I just watched a movie I think it was called red lights or something and it was about disproving telepathy and stuff it was a pretty good movie and they mentioned in the movie how we dream 27 times a night but we have this protective mechanism in our brain that makes us forget I feel like thats related to map consciousness and trans consciousness in some way it's almost like not being able to forget things so easily so they build up I think it relates to the mechanism of synchronicity somehow and I don't know how but because synchronicity in a way is a type of remembering but it's also a type of forgetting it's almost like remembering to move towards those things that feel like clues intuitively as opposed to being in the habit of remembering i talked about how we form habits in a way in order to be able to just go back into that mechanism of remembering so in a way synchronicities the opposite of habit it's almost like a remembering to go towards that which is new and we are programmed to go towards that which we recognize and that which we recognized as safe and comfortable even though it might not be necessarily good for us such as something like an abu

see how long I lasted making videos while sitting here because the trucks are just driving me bonkers I just saw a post on Facebook somebody saying there are benefits to psychosis and that's what I've been talking about even though I haven't really used the word psychosis that much that I recall I've been using things like map consciousness and trans consciousness to encompass that whole spectrum instead of saying mania and psychosis I say map consciousness and I say that too just to join them together because it's at least for me it's kind of cyclical it's I go into hyper perception and then I come down and when I come down its kind of hyper perceptively scary and that might be just part of it because going into that ecstatic mystery one has to come back through terrifying mystery it's sort of how things go because if one just kept going into ecstasy I feel one would eventually be in isolation because if one is in that state of profound ecstasy nobody else is there with the person unless they manage to meet somebody who's there to which you know it'll be wandering off into one's personal ecstasy and you could even think of how some people say take a an illicit drug together and then walk off into the forest and die because they sort of walked off into ecstasy together and that's not grounded in reality to feel that inner ecstasy all the time because reality is not structured in a way for us I just got a phone call and I don't know what I was saying something about the positive aspects of psychosis and I just say map consciousness for me too encapsulate the whole process and and also to sort of take away the judgment of mania as good and psychosis as bad because there are two sides of the same coin so to always want one and not the other is sort of impossible at least in my experience oh and i think i was saying people can go off into their own ecstasy and i think that's great for a period of time but it's not sustainable and it's not something that I would want to have all the time being human is about the rich spectrum of diverse feelings and experiences and perceptions not about just being an ecstasy all the time and I feel like if I was that way all the time I would stop feeling that and I think actually ecstasy is something that would change over time as well if it was becoming more sustainable as it was embodied in the neurology it would sort of be toned down because we would have more neural networks devoted to that pathway as opposed to the pathways of anger and jealousy and all the things that we have wired into us as part of our physiology because that's how we're perceiving because that's how we're speaking to ourselves and speaking about reality and making commentary on reality so that's what we bring in to exist or that's what we make real out of existence existence is existence it's already there that domain of ecstasy is already there right now we're just not making that salient for whatever reason so it's not necessarily about Oh creating one's reality with one's words and thoughts reality is this infinitely complex something that we don't really understand and it's just a matter of what we're tuning into well mainly we're tuning in to the sound of our own voice saying things that are pretty lame so we experience reality a lot of times as kind of lame and I think that's when the reasons why map consciousness comes in and tries to push us out of that to give us a sensation of something else and I actually feel it's almost like how well perception creates reality that's what makes certain things salient and that will additively and iteratively add to that perception and so I actually feel like our evolution as human beings is evolution of consciousness and that is by perception so what we perceive is what we move towards so we're moving towards this sort of ecstatic experience or other experience of these inner human dimensions that are infinitely complex we end up getting afraid of that because it's the unkno

I can probably last another twenty minutes out here in the cold I guess we'll go on to random bits I was thinking after rebounding I was thinking how do we celebrate our body cavity in the field of gravity and when we sit we compress our organs and and move them out of the proper orientation so it sort of changes our energy that way to and how rebounding exercises every cell in one's body and I think it actually helps us contain ecstasy there's a lightness to it and there's a celebration to it I was thinking to the experience of map consciousness or trans consciousness going into one of those other states it's sort of like trying to use ones opposite hand than one strong hand it's almost like I'm right handed so going around all day using my left hand I'd really have to pay attention and it would get frustrating and it's a little bit more difficult because it's something that I'm not used to but by going into those states and then coming back one can actually get better at it just like people can get better at using their left hand if they consciously use it so just because the first time is a complete disaster and ends in a total nosedive doesn't mean that doesn't mean that that's how it's going to be I was also thinking about how our standard of living actually keeps us in a prison we have this sort of cozy standard of living so we make our little cozy prisons for ourselves and then we're in isolation and then we feel lonely and then we think well I'm in this prison with all this stuff why don't I feel happy but we're not actually we don't live together the way we're designed to live together so our good standard of living is more like a good standard of dying a slow death I was thinking too that maybe when I get more into my embodied manic self I'll be called to invite people to be more childlike because if people are more childlike in general that's going to make everyone happier and there would be less instances of crisis there's one thing I want to work on which is bringing emotional CPR here to help people who are in distress that's very important it's important to have that safety it's important to not be pathologized unless completely necessary when one is distressed and then the other thing is just being more childlike in general will decrease the overall resonance of distress because people are not taking themselves so seriously etc so I think that is a different level to work on it I think is important to have a safety and then it's important to go for thriving and this would be a way for me to be unconditionally loving towards the ones that would choose to pathologize me anyone in society might choose to pathologize me if they see me in distress they think wow I better call the police or something for example versus being equipped themselves to help me and I'm not saying I'm not blaming anyone for that at this point that's where the distress help comes in but then also being able to meet with so-called normal people in order to be playful and be childlike that brings us together that unites us that is a space that is a relationship beyond oh this is the normal person and this is the person that has a mental illness those common dimensions of humanity we all have and it's because we're not existing in those common dimensions that we have this in action of thought pile up and stress us out and then now we need normal people that not be childlike because they have to be professionals so we both want to be in that domain it's like the people who get diagnosed with something can't pretend anymore and the ones that are professionals can pretend that they don't want to be that way and since we don't know how to just be ourselves and be childlike we end up being distressed and then we end up being pathologized and when I was on my trampoline today I was listening to my pumping playlist and I was thinking this is how this music moves me and then I was thinking about how most of us have an ego voice saying things and tha

I moved to my rainy park parking in my car my house was just too noisy and I got a phone call and so I thought well this is good timing and I should just leave I don't know how long I'll be able to last because my feet are already getting cold i think i was about to talk about this man that I met at the day yesterday and how he owns to recovery houses or to group homes he called it and I guess they're also run by the Health Authority but he works in partnership with them and he's the owner and I thought wow that's cool and he was saying how they're trying to make them less and less medicalized and more and more free so he just struck me as someone who gets it and I could imagine if I was in a place to open some kind of respite he would be a cool person to consult with because he's had some experience with providing space for people so I thought that was really cool and so I got his information and I also connected with the woman who was doing the keynote speech pretty much and it was about the recovery declaration of Canada and and so I asked her because on this new declaration that they were getting people to sign inviting people to commit to the recovery philosophy as opposed to medicalized philosophy getting people who work in the system to commit to this and the number one thing that people commit to or the first thing was learn from people with lived experience by acknowledging and valuing their experiential knowledge and engage them in all aspects of service planning delivery research and evaluation and I think that is definitely the most important thing to be on there and there's only four points on the recovery declaration but that was the first one and so I asked her I said at a break i said i love that that's there that's amazing that's definitely I completely agree but where are the examples or where are the documents and procedures and protocols and structures and systems in place for that to happen it's one thing to say that but their systems in place for four colleagues meeting up and talking about people their system in place for note taking their systems in place for medication prescribing where is the system in place to have this learn from people with live experience and their experiential knowledge and and involve them in and engage them in service planned delivery research and evaluation where are the steps for that where are the protocols where are the procedures because that's not just have one committee once a year one day get some feedback and then go about once daily business of delivering services it's actually that is such a loaded statement that would say like have peer support workers on teams and actually value them and they're experienced by paying them for their input and have their perspective all the time so I think for me right now at this point who knows how it will unfold because I talk to myself about these things from my perspective but I also understand I don't know everything that's happening out there and so that's why I wanted to ask her and she she said that they're going to be creating a guide for people who lived experience so they know what recovery philosophy is and what they have a right to ask for etc and maybe a little bit of a guide and a compass of being able to say well that's not recovery language what you're speaking to me about or whatever so she said that's in the pipeline and that's helpful to me and they did involve a lot of people with lived experience in the creating of this guide and a lot of the things that they're doing so that's part of that first statement but I think that is a huge statement and and from what I know right now it sounds like a token statement it sounds like well that's yes that's nice and since we wrote it there we can say that that's what we're doing but unless there's some kind of real process in place for receiving that feedback and that feed forward and and service delivery and planning and and it is happening in small ways and large way