Bipolar Inquiry

So I'm on the train to California. On the way to live in my dream. I guess I'm already living the dream because I'm already in California. A little bit nervous crossing the border, I only had one hour sleep because I couldn't sleep. And so it was pretty rough, I was feeling bad about leaving. Now that I'm over the border, and I'm actually in California on the train, I feel good. And last night, I slept probably five or six hours, so it wasn't too bad. Considering I was sleeping on a train. I've taken this trip twice before. So I already knew that I liked the train ride, very relaxing. I'm in seat number one in the very back car, very back of the train. For right now I'm in the observation car and I just got a coffee. And I'm just wondering. And I'm just wondering if I'll ever stop wandering. I was feeling like, I was feeling like, I didn't want to leave my family and friends. But now that I've left, I feel good. Not that I won't miss people, I definitely will. But I feel like I made the right choice. And I packed up my place. And it's still there for me. But I don't know if we'll be gone a couple months or more than a couple of months. And I was talking in my last video about whether I'll be continuing to talk about mental health. And on the way down, I was reading the book on dialogue by David Boehm brought my noble character to talk about stuff, maybe I'll go get it after. But he was talking about dialogue. And he was actually talking about how important it is to have dialogue. And even if there's two different factions of a group, it's important for them to have dialogue. And if you can't have dialogue with them, perhaps some dialogue about them, not about them in opposition, but in about what one feels their meanings are. And it sort of made me think about my views on this whole mental health thing versus views of the mental illness paradigm. And I don't think they're totally mutually exclusive for them. The other thing he said was, if you can't do either if you can't have a dialogue with the other group or with yourself with your group about the concerns of the other group, and just have dialogue with yourself. And I thought that was really interesting, because that's what I've been doing since pretty much a year now actually. Because I made a couple of videos before I was hospitalized last year. And I was talking very lucidly and coherently and then I was hospitalized. And I've been listening to what I was talking about in June, after I was hospitalized last year in July, and oddly enough, I don't really mention too much about what happened. I think I was just too traumatized to say much about it. Though I didn't listen to two of them. So I might have talked about it more in the other videos, but I'm finding myself still having my brain go to mental health because actually think is the same phenomenon of consciousness of these changes in consciousness is just a change in consciousness. That happens to be called mental illness. Because the other side of that change can be terrifying. Then it's turned into this lifelong, terrifying personal problem. And I've already talked about that a million times. I'm hoping to continue to have dialogue about it with myself in new ways. I made some notes on what he was saying and that's all dialogue book. And even in the few videos I've watched of my own. I was surprised I was even talking about people acting as a whole organism together, which is the whole teal organization thing, which is something that I just discovered. So I guess the concepts are already out there. People have already already discovered these things matter of perhaps just having dialogue. So I'm really hoping to be able to participate in dialogues. And not always refer to mental health stuff. But I might be, I might be thinking a bit in terms of mental health stuff in my mind, but maybe I can translate it as I speak to I don't know. The other thing I have to be careful of is that where I'm going, I don't know, i

Welcome, welcome. And I want to say, today is world Suicide Prevention Day. And this topic is close to me, because I did lose a family member to suicide as well as I've been very close to it myself a few times because of dissociation, and having one part of me witnessing and observing another part of me, in the act of getting close to ending my own life. So the part that was watching didn't want that to happen. And then there was another part that was an acting that was getting closer and closer to it happening. And this other part of me felt very helpless. And yeah, somebody close to me did and their life, and I've had experiences and feelings where I didn't want my life to go on. But then it passes and it gets to a place again, where I enjoy living my life. So I just want to say, keep going and keep, keep trying, you never know when you'll get to a place where you really feel like you just want to live forever. And and another thing that's been happening recently is that I feel kind of conflicted about what's going on in my life and in the world. And I talked about with myself before how I wanted to, to step away from the mental health paradigm and get into a paradigm that I feel that my experiences that have been called bipolar have been pointing to, it could be said, that is sort of like another dimension or otherworldly in a way. And I was feeling like that. It's almost as if that magic world is more real, than this reality that we're all in right now, or most of us are in there could be other people that are here with us, but not really living in experiencing the consensus and mainstream world that that we are, and they might not even be able to sense it, they might not be able to sense that anything negative is going on or affecting the people of the world right now. And I do feel that part of the experience of bipolar, at least as I've experienced it is that I have a sense of that other world where everything, not everything, but things are generally operating on a different algorithm. different values, different ethics, different morals, different laws of physics, different consciousness, where it's not based on division, but it's based on oneness. And I feel like I was there. And I feel like I know I was there. I'm aware of it. And I feel like I know that now I'm back here where I'm sensing the mainstream troubles of the world. And I said to myself quite a while ago now that it seems like we're living in a mass psychosis. And I'm not the only one to say that. I came across YouTube channel called Academy of ideas. And, and they're talking about today's times as as a mass psychosis. But I thought to myself, and I said it to myself long before I discovered that channel and that video. So it was another one of those experiences where it kind of gets confirmed afterwards. Maybe if I said it out loud, my phone heard me then it's more likely than it will that it will be in the algorithm. And that could be or in the YouTube feed the algorithm for my YouTube feed, but that could actually be a benefit of saying something out loud. A lot of people I don't know what percentage but certain amount of people would think that the listening capacity of the phone is the detriment. But it could also be that it is a helpful thing because if we're saying something out loud to ourselves or someone else then that confirmation will show up in our YouTube feed. But then of course that can be that can be calm. formation bias. And something that I'm looking into and researching for the second book that I'm writing is confirmation bias or cognitive biases in general. And there are a lot of them. And the word bias is a bit biased towards negative i think we think of a bias as a negative thing. But of course, it's not all negative. And we have these biases. And there's probably a lot of scientific studies as to why we have these biases in general, partly to conserve energy, and to help us in making decisions faster than if we had to consider a

There's five days left until I leave for California. I'm feeling like it's kind of like bipolar Meets World. I'm hoping to go for quite a few months. And when I get back, I was thinking that maybe I'll continue to wander a little bit, I'm not sure. When I get back, I want to bring ecpr here. And I also want to come continue with a low stress lifestyle in order to maybe come off my medications, I don't know. And perhaps with the help of EMP, or q 96, which is pretty much the same product, just called different names. And I got an email from the truehope people today, and they make that product. And there was a study done on their product. And I didn't read the study, but I read the abstract. And it said that I had 15 months of taking MP, as well as medication for psychosis. People that took the MP as well as the medication, got to reduce their meds a bit and also experienced less symptoms. And there wasn't really a difference until the 15 month point. And then there was even more of a difference and a benefit at 24 months. And I don't know how much they were taking and what medication they were taking and blah, blah, blah. But I will only been taking this EMP one a day for a month and a half. So I have a ways to go before it has an effect. At least with the protocol they used that I don't know. But I do know somebody who sells q 96. And they emailed me yesterday, and I had emailed them a while ago. But they finally got back to me yesterday. And I could have called them today, but I didn't. So maybe I will tomorrow and have a conversation because they might know a little bit about using it to come off lithium. And they did mention that usually, a person has to come off lithium very quickly when taking higher doses of EMP. So that's not something I'll do right now, because I'm leaving in five days. But when I get back, it's definitely one of my goals. And I had a crisis recently while taking lithium. So trying to come off of it. Maybe I'll have a crisis. But I have, I have the many way while taking it. So maybe it's not really benefiting me anymore. I don't know, we'll see. But for now, today, I picked up my lithium for my trip. So lot of lithium. And I was thinking about if I'm able to come off lithium one day, it would be a fun little ritual to go up to house ion springs, which is a lithium spring has a high level of lithium and dump the little capsules, open them up and then just dump them into the spring because we don't want to waste the lithium. And it'd be kind of fun to just give it back to the earth where it belongs and absorb it in proper doses by sitting in the spring. And so today I was doing some packing pretty much just throwing stuff in a corner. And I have to decide what to take. And I'm trying to decide which pair of rollerblades to take with me. I could take with me, my my hip nose gates, they're a little bit heavier. They have this fancy thing where you can take the blade off, I won't take it off but you can actually take off the wheels and then walk around. And considering that I'm not driving. These might be handy to have to actually skate around and maybe pick up something to eat and be able to do that very conveniently. Or I could take my kind of stylish K two skates, they have some really good bearings in them, some pretty good wheels. So I have to think about that. The hypno skates are also easier to pack, because I can take the wheels off, and then squash them in my bag a lot easier. And if I was driving down, I would take my mini trampoline and jump on the trampoline on the beach. But I'm not, I really feel like I have to mentally prepare for this change because I won't be working in mental health. Maybe I'll be talking about something totally different in my videos, I won't be connected with my community, I won't be connected with my family. And I feel a little bit afraid. But I also have this feeling that once I get there and see the sun and the beach and get settled that I'll feel perfectly fine.

I've had some indications from the universe lately that perhaps more people like me want to have these types of reframing perspectives, conversations. I heard Brent seal share a poem and talk about what if people with mental illnesses have special powers, etc. And then I saw a gentleman in distress, who's also labeled. And he was talking about how he has a lot of empathy. And he feels things deeply. And that's one of the reasons why he was struggling. And he doesn't like how other people were being treated. So again, more empathy. And another individual I spoke with, shared that they no longer want to be on medication and are tapering off but also have to take steps in order to have a very stress free and gentle lifestyle for an extended period of time in order to make sure that successful. And they talked about reading about the side effects and experiencing side effects. And I also had a conversation where a person brought up the question, and my more than my label. And that just broke my heart, because we're so often forced to identify so strongly with our label that we lose touch with the other elements of ourselves. And there's infinite elements other than that label. And I feel that the label often misinterprets things. It'll call things symptoms of illness, when really, it could be a sign of transformation or a sign that a person has extreme empathy. And some of us acquire this high sensitivity. And then we're seeing and perceiving and feeling things that we've never felt before. And we don't understand that language. And I feel like because we don't understand what we're perceiving what we're seeing and what we're feeling. Which when it's empathy is actually a lot to do with the other, feeling what the other is feeling or sensing what they're feeling, or being able to read them so clearly that we're feeling what they're feeling. But when we don't know that this is what is happening, I feel like we get thoughts in our head that don't make sense or attack ourselves, and lead to things like depression, because when we're seeing something, and we're so used to identifying with our thoughts and our ego thought process, and that can be so called normal and healthy. Though I question that. If we start sensing more and more of the other, yet, we only know how to think in terms of ourselves. When we're sensing the pain, or the feelings, or more information of the other or the situation. extrapolating if we still are strongly identified with our ego thinking process, that ego thinking process can actually become more irrational or more in congruent because we're seeing things and feeling things of the other. But we only have the language of me. So when we see and experience and feel things of the other, but we only have the language of me. The language of me gets the volume turned up and it becomes more painful. So What I'm trying to say is if somebody is in pain and struggling and an empath can sense that, but they don't even know they're sensing that, or even if they do know they're sensing it, they feel powerless to be able to help that person or support that person, it's going to be turned into potentially thoughts about oneself attacking oneself. So if I see somebody in pain, I might think it's my fault. They're in pain, when really, I'm just feeling that they're in pain. And I feel so compassionate, and empathetic, that I don't know what to do about that. And the only thing I can do is turn that into a thought about myself to attack myself to sort of be congruent with the pain that I'm sensing. And then it's hard to not think that something is wrong with me that it's thinking these thoughts. And I'm not saying this is what happens for me, per se. But I've just been seeing this a little bit because in my effort to create different perspectives for myself and self dialog and different ways to think about it and see it and ponder it. I see that more when I see other people like me who have been labeled and pathologize. So

Here I am again. And this will be part of a longer episode, which is up to date real time of what is happening now in 2021. As season three, and season two, if it's not clear is conversations that I had with myself years ago, starting in 2016. And going until 2019. So I think it went around three and a half years. And then things changed. And I haven't really been talking to myself. And at times, I've wanted to get back into it, but it hasn't really happened. And so this is another attempt to get back into it. Partly because it seems like the new information, funnel or channel or download has slowed down a little bit. And I'm not sure why that is. And I don't think it's really a problem. But I do find myself as I was speaking about the other day, craving altered states. And that has taken the form of drinking a bit of beer or drinking a bit of vodka, not getting really, really drunk or anything because I'm not interested in being hung over. But enough to kind of alter consciousness. And at the same time. Alcohol is a depressant. So I don't really think that's the exact effect that I'm wanting. But then other things are psychoactive and could lead to psychosis or something. And I do think I was sharing that. years ago, when I was talking to myself one time I decided to have a drink, and it made me really go kind of nuts. So then I just didn't drink. And I haven't been drinking. And I'm not recommending it or anything. But I'm wondering if it's because I've been stable for quite a long time. Now it's been since mid 2019. So that's about two years, just over two years. I remember I was hospitalized in 2019. And right after that, I made a couple dialogues with myself, but then I didn't continue. And then I stopped. And it took a few months after that it was April took a few months, before I started being able to do things and sort of be in the linear world, I was depressed for a few months, because I had gone into a big time mania, if you want to call it that for quite a while. And so I knew I was going to pay the price. And I was I was kind of okay with that. But at the same time, it was hard for me to go and get help. And I even wanted help I wanted help from the system at that point. But it was hard to to get there. Because I had you know, some thoughts of not wanting to go there and some thoughts of being able to maybe get through it myself. But at the same time, I knew it wasn't going to be possible. I just I gone too far. And I knew I had yet it was still hard to get help. And I finally was able to. And since then, I I spent that summer pretty depressed and not being able to function. And then when I came out of it, I was able to do things and go about life. I was doing some food delivery driving, which I quite enjoyed because I like to drive, it's fun. And then I went back to California for a short trip. And then I came back and then I started working in the mental health system again, in a different capacity. And before that, I went to Hawaii for a month. And then that's when you know the whole world changed. Soon as I got back. That's when everything started to change. And since things were shut down, I decided and I had already decided to start working on a book. So that was about About a year and a half ago now, and I'm at the point now where I'm getting close to being finished. And that being said, it's not perfect. And I don't think it's going to be perfect. I had somebody beta read the book, and they said that it stands out because they had read quite a few psychology type books, I don't, it's not really a psychology book. But they said, my book stands out. They also said that it's pretty intense, the tone is intense. I don't know if that's the tone in my self dialogues with myself, or what, but I was thinking about that comment about the intense tone, because the reader recommended that I have an editor kind of look at the tone when they look at it. And at the same time, I'm wondering, I don't know, if somebody c

I think it's a nine or eight on Seroquel. And I'm at the park. As you can see. It's interesting, I not only feel like I don't have anything to say, I also don't even feel like making videos, which is something I've been doing for seven or eight months. So to me, it's interesting how 10 days on a little bit of circle has kind of destroyed my motivation. And again, I think it's okay right now. Because I need to take a break from overthinking things and do more of just getting stuff done. So today, so far, I was organizing my kitchen and taking out some of the items that I wouldn't want someone else using. So I did quite a bit of that. And then I just sort of felt done with it. Like I needed to get outside for a while. So here I am. I am starting to feel excited about California since yesterday. excited for a change of scenery. And I still have quite a few things to do before I go so long as I do a couple of things per day. I should be ready to go in the nick of time. I have to decide how I'm going to get there. I have to get insurance and all that stuff. So maybe I'll make another video later when I'm at home. What if I don't this is a short one. So maybe I'll combine it with if I say anything tomorrow and the next day. Couple things about today. Again, my brain isn't super thinkI but that's a good thing. And last night was the first night I took half of this Seroquel instead of a whole one. And I took a whole one every day for probably 12 days. So the 13th night I took half. And I'll take half again tonight. And then after that I will perhaps try without the Seroquel to go to sleep. Because I've been sleeping just fine. And every night I've been doing some coherence breathing with my heart rate monitor, chest strap and the app as well as soaking my feet with Epsom salts. Sort of a little ritual I've developed and it seems to make me feel calm and just go to sleep. And I usually drink mugwort tea out of a nice mug. And I actually grow mugwort out in the yard. Because when I was in Santa Barbara six years ago, somebody gave me a mugwort leaf and he said put this under your pillow you'll have nice dreams. And so I took it and I went back to the hostel that night and I did put it under my pillow. I when I was falling asleep as soon as I sort of fell asleep I felt myself going through a time mark it was like like it was like the weirdest thing out of a movie like warp drive or hyperspeed or lightspeed being engaged in a spaceship and sort of having that sensation to of accelerating like that. And I'm pretty quickly just jerked awake, like oh my gosh, what the hell? And then I thought that was strange, but then I put my head back down. And when I did it did the same thing when I started to fall asleep. Just want to, like you felt like I was in a spaceship accelerating. And so again, I just jerked awake, like what the hell. So I took the mug wart leaf out from under my pillow and just placed it beside the bed and didn't want to participate in that. And then, oddly enough when I got home and I was, at that point, kind of manic, and I was going to this organic grocery store in an adjacent city, and the lady there was this cute Asian lady. And she was trying to sell me this green powder stuff for for a tea. And she was trying to tell me what it's called. And but she was saying it in a way that I couldn't understand the way she was pronouncing it. And I think she eventually wrote it down. And she wrote down MK Ward, and I was like, What the hell. So I bought the T. And it might have been that time or another time I went there that she told me she has more plants. Or it's kind of like a weed really. And she said that she would give me some, if I called her on her cell phone. So I did and she did end up giving me the plants. And I planted it in a bunch of different locations around the property. And it's kind of funny, because this one place, I planted it between the two houses. There's like a row of muck Ward like two feet wide by 15 fe

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It's been nine days since I've talked to myself in this way. And I probably could have talked to myself a little bit sooner but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. The day after I made my last video I went into full PTSD, flash flashbacks, and and usually I would be talking about psychosis. But it was different this time, it was more like a flashback. It's like I could hear what I was saying to myself when I was unconscious. And I won't go into the details of that, because I feel I'm still in fragile state. Usually, when I go into a crisis of some kind, I, I dissociate and I just sort of sit there and I feel like I'm a homeless person. I don't feel like myself. This time was different. I definitely felt like I was me. And I was at home and I was getting ready for the day and I was gonna make some videos. And then go out for the day because I was feeling a little bit sensitive. And I was actually watching a little bit of my videos from the 10 days prior to that video, and I was actually talking about an experience where I woke up scared and then just waited it out. And I talked about maybe taking a Seroquel, PRN. But I didn't and and then it just gets to a point where I just am in a place where I just lost and terrified. And I remember the days before I was watching a program online about vaccines, and I think I talked about it a little bit. But there was this one scene where there's little boy was smacking himself in the head. And when I get into that state of sensitivity, I feel one with everything. And to see that it just really hit me it was like, Oh my god, what are we doing to the children. And I don't mean just with vaccines, whether they're good or bad, who really knows. I feel like it's more of a gesture of thinking we know more about biology, Gaia, ecology, human health, then nature itself. But anyways, I felt strongly that I could actually hear the boy trying to say, my brain, my brain, like it's in my brain. And like, and he was actually trying to communicate even though he just looks like he's flailing around, that gesture is still communicating something. And what it how I felt when I saw that I just I just I I felt like oh, it just the immensity of it. I can't, I can't describe it. Whether it was caused by a vaccine or some something else, genetics environment, is still communicating something these kids, when they get transformed into that, however, that happens, it's still communicating something. And these poor children. But I don't want to think about that right now. And kind of what that showed me is it's very difficult for me to take in information from the outside. And I already researched the vaccine stuff years ago, and I decided it's not for me. I feel like I'm sensitive to it. And I actually feel like some of my troubles could be even leftover mercury in my brain because I received the first round of hepatitis B vaccinations when I was in grade six. So there was definitely mercury in that. And I feel like it can have a delayed reaction. It can be in the Brain kind of dormant. And then if there's some kind of trauma or stress, then it gets, it gets activated somehow. But that's mainly what I'm thinking about really. I do feel like I need to get back to taking better care of my body putting more nutrition in it, though, it doesn't really seem to matter that much. Because I was doing really well health wise when I've had my first so called relapse two years ago. And so this one I just had, I managed to finish getting dressed and and get myself to the mental health clubhouse I'm a part of and talk to someone there and then take a Seroquel calm down a bit, and then somebody gave me a ride to where some of my family lives. And I laid in a bed and had the most intense, internal chaotic suffering I've ever experienced in my

So I've been having some interesting insights lately. I don't know if they're insights, but I feel like I'm in a slightly superimposed state where I can see many possible futures for myself. And that's happened before. But I feel slowed down in the, if I see a certain possibility, and it's kind of scary, I don't necessarily get scared. And in that way, it seems my brain keeps calculating different possibilities. And then it also goes back into past experiences and past superpositions. And, and ways that it feels like I've quantum jump to different realities. And how the process of so called psychosis is trying to resolve some of those. And I've been in the position of nearly taking my life a couple of times, but not wanting to, and managing to keep my body safe. From that possible future, in which I don't exist. He had a talking about that, I feel like if I go back to certain events in my past, that that's where the split was, there were several futures where I didn't exist. And I sort of had to transport my way out of there, somehow, and go to a different reality where I existed. And I wandered there for a while. And I went to the USA, and then when I came back, I realized I was in a reality where I didn't necessarily exist, even though it seemed like I did to me. I'm on that trajectory, wear itself out and I was close to ending my life. I was diagnosed with a mental illness, to sort of explain away all the weirdness. And I'm wondering to myself, if I almost need the mental illness right now. Because if weird stuff happens, I'll just be told, oh, that was your mental illness and medicated. And it could be the same thing it could be that I understand it's a bit of a different process. But that's not the understanding of society. So I can still go about the process of accepting the treatment. That sort of allows me to read material materialize or reconnect with my body. Because it's almost like consciousness becomes disembodied. And when that happens, it can appear to die and other people's realities. In my reality, it becomes another episode mental illness. Which is sort of like dying several times throughout life. Instead of really being concentrated in one's ego self. When one gets to places beyond the ego self. One might leave the body or could even be that could even be true that for each of us, that When some kind of trajectory of our life ended, we get some sort of medical problem to explain it away. It's really complex. And this is the first time that I feel I've been able to really look at this without immediately acting, and then rushing towards a scary trajectory that puts me into a state of psychosis, where it's too confusing. And then people come and sort of rescue my body medicate me to slow my brain down. So then consciousness doesn't sort of go flying off into another dimension where I might continue to exist, I don't know. But I don't necessarily exist with the people that I care about now. In saying that, I can use the medications to sort of modulate consciousness myself, instead of getting help from the medical system, I have a slight sense that this could get me in trouble, in that, I might feel like I'm handling things like I do. I feel not great, but I feel strong. And I feel like that trajectory of doing it that way, might lead to the story of, Oh, she seemed fine. We never suspected anything. And then I'm found not living. In that reality, at least. And that's the thing, it's more a matter of, I kind of want to stay here with the people that I care about, I don't want to go off into some other dimension. I'm not saying that's necessarily true, but or It feels like, since I no longer necessarily buy into the mental illness trajectory to keep me here in my body. Something else might happen, where maybe there's some kind of accident, my memories erased. And after we learn who the people I love are supposed to go to California, and I feel like stuff has come up from my past that might almost feel like I'm

consciousness, brain, ego, perception, feel, people, bipolar, future, thought, power, world, higher levels, reality, gravity, bird, sensitive, near death experience

This morning, I did some trE, trauma release exercise. And then after I was done, I was laying there. And so I decided or it occurred to me to try to do a backbend, to just lift myself up backwards. And I remember trying, maybe a year ago or something, and I couldn't do it. Whereas I could do it two years ago, when I was in manic consciousness, and I was on the swimmer side as well. When I tried a year ago, I tried to lift myself up, and I couldn't. And so I tried this morning, and I totally could, and I will insert the picture here. So yeah, talk about power poses. Amy Cuddy talks about power poses, I wonder if she studied the back bend. How many people can do one, I couldn't even do one when I was a kid. So it just goes to show that as the ego loses its hold as consciousness is freed up from matter from gravity, from being inflexible, it becomes more flexible, the body becomes more flexible, and it becomes stronger too. Our own thoughts weaken our body. I watched a clip by Neil Hill born. And it's a three minute clip of him using the spoken word, and it's sort of like bipolar poetry, and he's talking about bipolar, different aspects of it. And he talks about how he seen the future, and different things like that. And it's quite good. But really many of the things he said are kind of delusional, if you think about it, he says he's seen the future, What is he talking about, whereas a person that has experienced transconsciousness, bipolar consciousness, that consciousness has seen the future in a way because consciousness is non local, it can kind of go anywhere, when it is freed up from the matter of the brain, from the circuits of the brain from the ego scar tissue. And it was also interesting about he talked about how he sees the future kind of like gravity, where we're all coming together as one. And it's interesting that he talks about gravity, because I've felt some kind of change in gravity in the process. And I feel like there's a change in the center of gravity, there's a change in the center of consciousness. And this is part of this co creative process that's unfolding. And in a way, I feel like, if now is eternity, and we're all here, there's certain number of people at higher states of consciousness. And they exist in a different world, because they're relating and communicating in a different way, they might actually occupy the same physical space, but other people at lower levels of consciousness are never going to come into communication with them, because they don't resonate with that. So in a way, there are different worlds, even though it's the same space time. And our own world is within our consciousness. And our consciousness has to be in that particular level of consciousness in order to interact with those people at that level. So in a way, going into my consciousness and higher levels, one is seeing and interacting at a different level, which seems like a future world, but it's actually a world that's happening now. It's just that our consciousness level isn't at the point where we're unfolding and experiencing that reality as now for us. So it's future for us, but that actual reality is reality for some people. And so then we fall down to prior levels of consciousness. Sometimes, the momentum of the fall, makes us dip into lower levels, ones that we don't necessarily occupy on a daily basis, but it definitely recalibrates us to the fact of the existence of those levels. And it shows us what happens when we exist in those levels of consciousness. And part of our prevailing level of consciousness is actually our family or friends our whole life. So that's why being at higher levels and then coming back down to one's life situation and no longer operating in that higher reality. That other reality if Feels like death. And it also

So as official, I think this might now officially be the longest. I've managed to stay out of the psych ward over eight months. Yet at the same time, today, I've been having some signs that I might want to Abort mission, meaning my brain seems to be going into further reaches of its growth that seemed too far outside. Even the context that I'm wanting to create right now. And the other day I talked about, well, maybe I will share some of the weird stuff too. And oddly enough, since I've said that some of the weird stuff has been coming through me. And I might share some of it just to give examples of things that I don't necessarily want to go further along the lines of their thoughts and perceptions that may or may not be true. They might be true in some other context. But if I go into that, then I'm alienating myself too much from the context that I'm creating, which is already beyond how consensus reality would would program us to see things and think about things. So Abort mission would equate to taking Seroquel PRN, when I was showering today, I felt a little bit fearful. And it's not because I was showering. It's just I was fearful. But one of my clues is, if I'm feeling fearful while I'm showering, while I'm kind of cornered, and then it's a clue that I could dissociate and disconnect and go into a terrified state where all I can do is sit there and wait for help. That's happened numerous times. So I don't want to get to that point, because that would likely mean I need to call for help. And then I would be hospitalized. And that's the very thing I'm trying to avoid. And I'm wrapping up some things with working in mental health, and I'm finding it difficult, some writing a few things. And I'm writing from the vantage point I've created for myself through self dialog and not through the vantage point of me and my mental illness. Which, before I never really believed, but I still humor that kind of language. So it's it feels difficult in a way because I feel alone in this context. And then I don't want my brain to start creating context that is just so out there. For example, I had something come to me around the whole Ascended Masters thing, and I don't even think about that. But it was like, Oh, the Ascended Masters can kind of take us over when we get to a certain level of consciousness because we're no longer our ego. So then what are we? Well, maybe we're the Ascended Masters, whatever that means. So, you know, well, that's lovely. But at the same time, I still I still would like to have some semblance of ego self for myself, because if I obviously didn't identify with being some kind of Ascended Master, then I might not even speak as myself and then my family will be confused, and probably scared. And then that's of no value because then I'll likely be pathologized as as as not feeling well or something. So I don't know if so, Some of those things are like these little clues. But then you just walk around and smile and nod at that sort of thing. And it also told me something like, I donated my body to science as in the science that I'm engaged in, in terms of seeing and the science of the heart. So it's almost like at a certain point, I'm no longer me. And some other aspect of consciousness takes me over. And then it's like, well, I've donated my body to science, which can be interpreted in a scary way, like being afraid of death, or it can be interpreted as some other element of consciousness is taking me over. Like I'm being erased, or almost, I'm erasing myself through this context creation. So it could even be the ego fearing that, because the ego fears its own death, but my ego has died several times. And it's always terrifying. But then there's some semblance of it left, when I get medicated back to reality. So if I don't want to totally lose contact with who I was, perhaps I need to take a Seroquel to slow the process down. Like I said, it likely slows down this brain growth it, it creates a