Bipolar Inquiry

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I'm making a really quick video because I'm about to go out. But I don't know if I will have time the rest of the day. And I want to at least say some of us today, because it's the 18th. And then Tomorrow's the 19th, which are my last two days to really talk about mental health. And I still will, because I feel like things have become more embodied this last week ish. So to me that definitely goes first compared to just talking to myself and making words with myself. And I just finished watching the fly whisperer clip. And I didn't put any commentary in there, because I'm actually talking in nature and talking to the flies, and the commentary is already in there. And it's interesting that I say, I wouldn't hurt a fly yet. After that experience with the flies A month later, I was diagnosed with bipolar, which kind of pins one into a category of potentially dangerous, and I still feel now that I wouldn't hurt a fly, I shared a video of a fly drinking out of my eye. And that's pretty weird and crazy. But that's kind of what I am, I am definitely a crazy person, I don't think I'm a mentally ill person. But I'm a crazy person. And when the flies kept flying in my head, it felt like perhaps in that state, the light in my eyes was just as strong as the light of the sun or different things. And they also flew at the camera of the phone. So it has something to do with this witnessing and this and this light, something or other. And interestingly enough, while I was watching the fly video, there was a fly on my thumb while I was walking along watching it. And then it was sitting on my phone. And then I was looking at it. And just at that moment, a hummingbird flew right in front of me like right there. And it hovered there. And I looked at it with astonishment and awe. And I put my finger out like this for him to land. And when I did, he didn't immediately fly away. But he didn't land either, unfortunately, but he stayed there. And then he flew away. And I've never had one that close to me. And so obviously fly right up to me. And I found it interesting that I was watching the video I made six years ago that at the time, right after watching it, I felt like there was some power to order like I was just in this powerful state where people and animals sort of get along and there's a different communication going on. Apart from the regular dialogue of Oh, that's a gross housefly, let's kill it. It was something completely different.

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I have about half an hour until my bus comes, I could go all the way the end of the trail, but then I would probably miss the bus. So I stopped here. And so yeah, I'll do a bit of a video. I called hardy nutritionals today and told them about the anxiety I was having over the weekend. And they said, that's pretty normal. And they said, I could take more of the vitamin C. So today, I'm planning on taking three, at least, and I could go up more, it's kind of expensive. But they said it's only temporary, so maybe for a couple of weeks or a couple of months. So to me that's worth it. And then they told me to read this document they have on their website about things that can limit the process. And I read through it. And the stuff that can apply to me is that I do like to go rollerblading. And I was planning to start that sprinting a few times a week thing. But exercise can actually speed up the detox process and give more stuff side effects of coming off the meds. So I still chose to go rollerblading today, because it's sort of a Goldilocks day, just right for rollerblading, not too hot. And it's actually going to get really hot here in the next few days. And not too cold. And it was actually kind of cold and rainy over the weekend. So I wanted to take this opportunity. But I did sort of just stroll more, I didn't really skate too much a lot of its downhill. So I just sort of coasted and enjoyed myself. And I noticed that I didn't have any of that anxiety feeling. So that feeling could also be from sitting in front of the computer too much. I probably spent eight hours a day on the weekend in front of the screen between editing and making videos. And it felt good to get that all done. But I'm noticing that being indoors might not be good. And they said getting too much sun can be something that makes a person have more withdrawal effects, because of how it speeds up the detox process by heating up your body. And who knows maybe all that vitamin D goes into action trying to detox things as well. So I did spend a few hours in the sun on Friday. And I think I did the Sprint's that morning, and then I was in front of a screen. And so that could have all contributed to filling some of that anxiety. So I think the vitamin C, they also said drink more water and I could definitely drink more water, the water here in California is kind of gross compared to where I'm from. So yeah. And another thing that was in that document was menstrual cycle. And I was talking to myself about how I could really feel my PMS this last time now that I'm off the meds and it kind of coincided with the exact same time I stopped taking the meds. So I'm going to ask them about that next time I talked to them because it says take an extra dose of four vitamins for a week before or something. So I'm going to ask them for clarification about that, because I could probably use that. And they have another product, which is greens and probiotics, which I might ask them about. And also inositol, which they said is good for anxiety in that document. So I'm going to ask about that. If I'm going to be on hardy nutritional stuff, I may as well keep to their products and go all out with their products. Well, I'm deciding to do that not really muck around, not really say oh, well, I don't really have money for that I don't really need it, just try and make this process as smooth as possible. And that document I read said, people can have withdrawal effects for months or even a couple of years after coming off. So I think I need to keep that in mind and really reframe anything that I experience as a withdrawal effect and not a symptom of mental illness. 

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I've had a note to myself about the law of least action in the mix of things for a while. And I first heard about that in a talk by Peter Russell, not Russell Peters, but Peter Russell, who I believe is some kind of physicist, and he studied consciousness. And his talk called the primacy of consciousness, which you can watch on SPR word calm, is really good. And he talks about the law of least action. And I don't remember what that is exactly. But I just saw now that in an extrapolation to mental health, it seems like the law of least action has something to do with ending one's life. So it takes the least amount of action to just end one's life and to not have to act ever again, not have to do anything ever again, and to take the fastest action, the least action to end the suffering. And so I feel like getting caught in that program to end one's life sometimes is a law of least action. And how can one not be caught in those memes that makes one feel like one needs to act that out and, and end this existence? And, and could there be another least action, which is when one can perceive something and understand it, and create more information and energy, so much more energy, to the powers of 10 more energy, when one can really perceive and understand something consciousness can access, so when then has a lot of energy. And so one can do a lot with that energy. So then one wouldn't fall into that vortex of the law of least action of consciousness, which might end the conscious existence of a particular organism. I don't know if that makes any sense, or if it matters, but I just saw that now. I feel like I should stop talking. But I'm going to keep going for a while. Maybe I'll just read. Work is force times mass times distance, the force is the energy of thought, or the energy of the infinity of the moment. The force of the moment, the moment is when we meet the moment and say, instead of having an immediate answer of words intersecting the moment, it feels like bipolar, when the process is still being processed by the ego, or within the ego framework of right wrong, good, bad, reward punishment. And the past. When we dis identify from that, it becomes a choiceless richness, we're overlaying the choice of good and bad over it. the right values can emerge instead of what are conditioned programs call right and wrong. All this takes attention. If we aren't attending, the ego will classify it with its binary code. choice. lessness is a quantum code that decodes the unknown possibilities, and is really about seeing the subtle words make things manifest, they make things things. 

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I have a lot to talk about with myself. And I'm feeling some anxiety. And it's been a week since I took any psych meds. And so yay, one week celebration. And last night, I had a bit of this feeling in my heart, which could be called anxiety. But it really feels like now that I'm off the meds, and I'm sort of out of this mental patient paradigm, just a little baby step outside of it really. I can feel energies coming back from before I wasn't relabeled and diagnosed over six years ago. So it's as if taking the meds and being defined as a mental patient, shifted my focus to that and, and being on the meds and being in that paradigm sort of made me forget about a lot of my problems. And so now that I've sort of gone through that main problem of getting outside the mental health paradigm, it feels like these energies are coming back and saying, Oh, yeah, remember all these problems that you had before you had this even bear problem of having a label and being given meds, which the meds do translate a lot of the other old problems into just symptoms of mental illness. And I feel like a lot of those problems actually, before being labeled get translated into sort of behaviors or so called symptoms, which lead one to get diagnosed with a mental illness, which then leads one to begin medications, which sort of gets rid of the symptoms, but it also gets rid of the problems that were leading to the symptoms by dragging the symptoms. So I'm seeing this mechanism. And I'm hoping that I can stay ahead of it. Because I can feel that there's going to be things that I really have to deal with. And if I can't deal with them, I might end up having to take a pill. So I have my coherence breathing as something I could do if this. This feeling in my heart doesn't subside. 

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I had a dream that I was talking quite sternly with the psychiatrist who overmedicated me last April. I remember that I don't really remember what I was saying. But I might have had some pretty strong words. And I don't remember that I was being rude, I was just quite upset with the way I was treated. And along those same lines, in a way, this webinar was about the antidote to a lot of this. A lot of what I've talked about with myself and self dialogue in terms of the system, and troubles and problems in the system, would largely be eliminated. If what they were talking about in this webinar was implemented on a wide scale. The trouble is, it's implemented on a very, very tiny scale in the United States. And they were talking about it. And without further ado, the webinar was on self directed funding in mental health, and they already have it in some other health care sectors in the United States. 1.1 million people are using self directed funding, meaning there's a certain amount of funding one would get, if one had a certain struggle or a diagnosis or, or what have you, and then the person with the help of a broker can create a plan and, and put funding towards what one would like to participate with in terms of how they're going to get better. And that could be almost anything. And they didn't talk too much about examples of what that might look like. But they did in the webinar. It's a Mental Health Commission of Canada webinar, it'll probably be on their website soon. And there is a website called self directed mental health.org. 

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Last night, I had a really good sleep, I started to feel kind of sleepy and I was laying in bed. And I actually fell asleep shortly after 930. And I took the six amino acid caps, as well as a Benadryl and slept through the whole night, didn't even wake up to go pee. And I slept about 10 hours. And I really needed that sleep after the weekend. So I'm feeling a lot better. And it feels good to have fallen asleep for the first time. Pretty naturally, after being completely off my segments, Saturday night was the first night off, and Sunday was the second. And both those nights were kind of difficult, and I had to take a second Benadryl. And I had a friend here, which made it a little bit more difficult. But back to my usual, cozy routine, and I just took one, Benadryl and fell asleep quite easily. It seems like there's a window of falling asleep between 830 to 1030, that it's good for me to just sort of stay calm and relaxed and ready to go to sleep when I'm ready. So I will be extra careful with that. And I made some notes yesterday after I finished editing my video about new elements to have dialogue about. And one of them is how I've talked myself out of the mental health system. And now I need to perhaps talk myself out of going back into it or talk to myself to stay out of it. So I could get complacent with the dialogue with myself and figure that I can just keep going and not really have to talk to myself now that I'm out of the system. But the thing is that the usual context of mental health is all around me. And the usual context of society that can actually be quite, I don't like the word triggering, but provoking for some of these other elements, because I find that I'm quite sensitive. So if I can at least have some conversation with myself almost every day in a way that it seems that I want to, then that could provide some of the energy to be able to keep my head above the clouds. 

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Today, I feel kind of tired and grumpy. And I was wondering if it's something to do with a second night in a row of taking just 1/8 of my medications. But on second thought, it probably has more to do with PMS. So I think I'm just a little bit early today. And so it wasn't really good timing to watch a webinar put on by the Mental Health Commission of Canada, on social enterprise. And it was called social enterprises, an innovative approach to creating employment opportunities for people with mental illnesses. And they are panel of speakers. And they were people who had social enterprises and employed people with mental illnesses, and other people who run different kinds of enters social enterprises that actually were integrated with clinical services, like reporting to the clinician about things. And I thought that was a bit weird. Again, it's sort of warped into something that is being done to us. I don't know anyway, I think social enterprises are great. And I think it was just more PMS, hearing the way that some of them were talking. One person said, Oh, sometimes we pair a healthy person up with a person with mental illness. Like, what? How can someone judge who's healthy and who's not. And it's just lame to say that, and it really bothered me to hear the way they were talking about people. So it was actually a good reminder for me to remember how people who work in the system or in any kind of framework where they're saying, Oh, these people over here have illnesses, and we over here are healthy. It just really bothers me. And it just rubbed me the wrong way. 

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I woke up at some point because I thought I heard a knock at my door. And I just heard like one knock like knock, but maybe a couple other faint knocks. But the one knock woke me up. And it was sort of similar to how that scary heart energy wakes me up. But I didn't feel afraid. But I woke up and as soon as I woke up, then I could hear the Krishnamurti talk that I was listening to. And right at that moment, he was talking about telepathy and being able to read people's thoughts and how when the body becomes extremely sensitive, we can get connected to those types of powers and psychic powers and things like that. But he is one to also say that it's important not to get caught up in those things. Because it's kind of like playing with a children's toy. You can just get stuck in that. And there's something that could be even beyond all that. Like by focusing on one thing, if I could often read people's thoughts, and then I decided to devote my whole life to that I wouldn't be accessing the richness which might include reading people's thoughts every now and then. And then a whole dynamic thing of other aspects the rest of the time. And I don't know if that's what he's saying exactly

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I've definitely talked to myself about a lot of different perspectives outside the tradition of the mental health system and psychiatry. And you mentioned social contact theory. I don't know what that is. And he said something about new dialogues and new insights. And that's what I've been doing with myself because partly because the system doesn't listen, I used to work in the system. And then I put a complaint into the system about my experience got a kind of blocked reply. Nothing's gonna change based on just sending in complaints here and there. So that's one of the reasons why I just talked to myself because nobody else is going to listen or has time to listen, or wants to listen or can listen or has the capability of listening because all they can hear is what they've been trained through their expensive schooling, to believe and And so many things. So I just talked to myself. And maybe nobody will ever listen to anything that I've said. And that doesn't matter because the process fulfills its own purpose, whether anyone ever listens or not. And last night, I realized that when this energy comes in and map consciousness, it's trying to get us embodied. So that's why it's more of just a movement of thought, in the brain, and living in those movements of thought, but we start living in the movements of the body. And that's part of the reason why we feel like we don't have control, because usually we're living in the movements of the thoughts

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I think there's an energy that is creating that kind of mutation in the brain. So there's an energy that feeds us, after we're born, to start creating that, and then one day, it'll probably be wired in the genetics. So we just are born with that worldview. And I wrote down another question, what would compassion do? What is compassion? And it seems like we take meds partly to stop the feeling of urgent danger. Yet, if the brain is operating at the level of thought, it technically is in urgent danger. And we all are. But when we go to those other states, we actually feel it. Or we go above where we feel safe and wonderful. And like, we're part of the infinity. And when our brain comes back down into the level of thought, we realize that it's a scary place. For real, like a felt sense of it. It seems we need genes to process the poisonous medium of thought, and not be poisoned by it. And I think beauty is the antidote, which is of a different quality, it's a different brain quality altogether. So can we go through those thoughts, structures and transform and then no longer contribute to that chaos. When we get pathologized, and labeled and put on meds, we continue to contribute to that chaos of the world? Well, not intentionally, but we'd sort of get sucked back into it, when the process was trying to transform us into a place of a different quality. And that quality would help to transform humanity in some way. But if we're not able to transform and be of that quality, and try apps try to find ways to make all this meaning and do something meaningful. Krishnamurti says you must give your life to understand your life. And to me, that sounds a little bit like if we're operating just based on thought. We think we understand we think we know things. And we're not in a state where we're actually enquiring into things and wondering and not knowing. So can we put perception first, can we put it ahead of thinking, and thus thinking that we know and I feel like there's a language to mania...

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