Bipolar Inquiry

I've been reading the book, swarm intelligence and writing a few things about creativity. I feel some of what I've been bumping up against these last days is wanting to live creatively but facing the reality of living in a room in a basement suite with family. And that feels like a contraction. And yet at the same time, I probably could create my way out of that really quickly by say, putting some affiliate links on my videos and sharing them all publicly at once right now, seeing what happens and just wandering off into the unknown. But that would make me appear really crazy. And I'd likely get captured and sabotage everything that I'm attempting to create in a somewhat intelligent way. I don't know if it is intelligent only time and creating it will tell. Because the line I'm going along creating is continuing to do a bit more impure support for the next month, then starting the business class, hopefully and doing that for two and a half months and then launching a business. And then if I do take off, make that trip part of the business lunch or having a business that's online, then I can take off on a trip. 

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So I've had some quantum weirdness for sure. Yesterday, I was trying to read some older insights from California, just by speaking them audio wise, and I've been feeling slightly odd for a few days. And it coincides with certain events plus hitting the eight and a half month mark of no crisis. But there is something subtle going on in the background. And I remember saying to the universe a couple videos ago, okay, universe, I got this, I get it, I know what you're talking about. You don't have to totally freak me out. And I feel like for example, yesterday, I felt like I had to be outside. And this is one of the things that happens. When I start feeling kind of like a homeless person, I feel like I have to be outside, like homeless people are usually outside. And so I was sitting outside, and I did some recording of my brain signals using the Muse headband. At first, I was feeling distressed, but only subtly distress, but it was there. So I recorded those brain signals in a zip file. It's in my Dropbox, and it's under October 2. And then when I felt calm, I did it again. Actually, I did it starting when I took vitamin C, to see what kind of effect that it would have on my brain signals. But the thing is that I wouldn't be able to graph that for a while. But I can at least collect some of the data during this weird period of time. And I was looking at the screen and not the screenshots and trying to compare the screenshots. I took my brainwaves months ago, couple months ago or something to now and it does look different. It seems like one of the bands in the gamma range in the orange 33 hertz is quite pronounced. Okay, this is an interlude because I just looked up 33 hertz, and this website, it's to sync.com or something, says 33 hertz is the pyramid frequency or Christ consciousness. 

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And today is the day I marked in my calendar as the longest I've gone since the major crisis I had in January. So that's a pretty big milestone. So every day after this will be the longest I've gone. Though I did have some more crisis stuff come up in March. But it didn't get bad because I nipped it in the bud with Edie psychotics at the time. And then I went on the journey of tapering off all medications and have been off all medications for 17 weeks. And I'm in my favorite magical forest. And it looks extra magical. This says it all. They talk about tree hugging. There's three trees hugging. And I don't feel like I have a lot of words right now. I'm not sure what that's all about. I think it's a bio rhythm of sorts.

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And I don't know what's now because my brain is really opened up. So I feel like talking to myself and grounding and then I feel when I went out to check the mail, I came back. And then I put my foot out at the dog in the house didn't kick at all, but I guess it had a sore spot on his neck, and he hoped. So would almost make it seem like I kicked it off. When I didn't at all, I just was putting my foot out to stop it from getting hair all over me. And so I feel like oh, this is where I need to settle. Because this is when the big visions get in the way of the small. Now, gestures that are just as important. It's always a bit of a sign when I start writing sideways on the page like that.

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But I feel like since all of us, who have been so indoctrinated into the system for so long, what we're going to discover as solutions and things we want to work on, and goals are largely limited to the way we've been programmed to think about ourselves. So there aren't out roads in that there aren't people thinking that they can really move beyond all of that. So I feel like, I want to point that out. And point some ways out that are possible, doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody. But I feel like we're so deeply conditioned to stay within that framework that we're gonna get stuck there. We are stuck there. And there are other ways and solutions. So I do want to be able to point out solutions. And that's not really the role of a peer support worker. So I do want a different role. 

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I feel that the brain can be pondering something that's sad and disturbing. But if it's something meaningful to be sad, about, perhaps the brain is still in a calm state. So if I was maybe ruminating on work, or a certain person that I have a conflict with, I'm just making that up, then the brain would likely be active. But I was, it felt like my brain was active. But it was active in pondering this deep connection with nature and what had happened. And so it was calm, what I'm trying to say it was in deep resonance, and activity, even though it was in a calm space, it wasn't showing was active, though my brain was quite active, it was calmly active about something really deep and meaningful to me. And this is where I wonder about their algorithm for what they're trying to calculate, because I wasn't focusing on my breathing at all, my mind was kind of all over the place about the beat, but it showed it was very calm, I was not focused on my breath, and my body and Me, me, me, I was, I was considering this be this baby baby and being with the baby, and how I had been with the baby for two hours, and then it didn't have good ending. But my brain was still calm, because it was something so meaningful... 

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I'm gonna use news sent by the ocean here listening to real beauty not simulated. And I just made a really, really big meal of rice and Indian sauce, feeling so hungry lately. And I think it's partly the blood donation. But I'm going to sit here and muse, so talk later. So I need to add something to the lifestyle design creativity I've been working on this morning, which is visiting farmers markets, I got this really great bok choy to add to my rice and Indian sauce. And I got a vegan bar, and I got a non vegan brownie and some fudge. There's fudge everywhere here. And I also got some bee pollen. So these are some fun things at the farmers market. Oh, and I got some bugs. So which I'm going to save for next time I go to California, I checked with them. And they said that it lasts in terms of its effectiveness. So yeah, these are some of my scores, lead farmers markets. I didn't know there were lizards here poor little guy. It was supposed to be raining all day today. And it's not. So I did succeed in changing the weather ever so slightly. So I'm able to enjoy outside a little bit. And I picked a bunch of hair off the bathroom floor from blow drying and straightening my hair, which is within the last couple of 100 year activity or less. And I'm going to take that hair and put it in the ocean to have some of my material here or give that material back. It's not mine. All the matter in our body changes. So I'm going to put in the ocean. And when I was when that was arising in mind to do that. And since I've been thinking a little bit about nature mysticism, which could be a little bit related to shamanism. I was pondering how one can create one's own nature mysticism. So I don't need to necessarily go to shaman school to learn this, but learn by doing something and making these kind of gestures towards nature to have a relationship. So being related to nature by putting something of one body in the ocean, and it's a very small gesture, but it's a gesture nonetheless. 

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Can't tell if, from the ocean when the waves come in, if a sound is reflecting off the leaves shortly after, or if the waves are sort of creating a wind that's making the leaves make that sound that is equivalent to the ocean waves. So I hear the waves there. And then I noticed I could hear the waves behind me. And there's this direct interplay between the wave sound and the sound that the forest behind me is making. And maple trees. That's the only name of a tree I really know except for pine, pine, and maple. But one doesn't need to know the names of things in order to appreciate them, might be easier to appreciate them when we don't know the name. we're so busy worried about what the names of things are, and we're not looking at it. But as the waves get louder, the sound of the trees gets louder, too. And it's really fascinating discovery, I don't know if it's, the change in pressure that's causing that sound of the leaves or the wind or no can't really be the wind because unless wind is slightly coming in, or the air is changing slightly with each wave. And the air is counting is carrying the wave sound and then it's reflecting off the leaves and coming back. Sounds like such a boring thing to talk about, right? But when I heard that, when I realized that it was really a remarkable thing. It's something that I could sit here and observe for several hours, just that one fascinating aspect of reality, and I would listen in such a way that some point, I'd understand how it worked.

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So perception first the act of seeing, what are we looking at? Are we looking at life? What are we looking with? Are we looking at the past? And I wrote down the word super Hugh mania, manic mastery, master your creative perceptions. So when we go into consciousness or so called mania, all of a sudden, we are initiated into this process of creative perceptions meaning that the old loopy thoughts on repeat, aren't as much participating in our perceptions, we're seeing something new. So we're having these new words and memes and, and thoughts come into that. And it's challenging because it's a lot more information. And it's not necessarily a lot more information. But it is because if every perception is new, there's no repetition. All of a sudden, of course, that is a lot more information than having X amount information in the day, which then repeats the next day, in terms of thought loops, and much of what is in one day is repeated. So if everything is new, in a day, day, by day by day, one can get overwhelmed by the new because new perceptions create new gestures and behaviors, which then unfolds a different life. And the patterns of our life mixed in with the patterns of other people's lives, can make it a really bumpy ride. So we might have all these ideas about how we want to unfold our life, but other people's ideas about how we should be doing that, or how it's so different, and how we're acting so different, can be a barrier. So I came across the Krishnamurti quote, talking about utilizing the total activity of the brain, and that it has extraordinary capacity and energy. And when we go into map consciousness, I feel like we feel this. We actualize this, we feel the extraordinary capacity and energy of the brain that it has, that we don't necessarily unfold as our life on a daily basis. That is until we go into map consciousness. And can we ask fundamental questions? Can we move into living as an inquiry? And I'm wondering about that, as part of it. So that would be being in the forest and inquiring into nature and by doing so, developing a relationship with nature. So business based on asking fundamental questions to create neuro elasticity and fluidity, new perceptions, and new gestures, and creative perceptions and gestures of kindness, and finding out for ourselves what fundamental questions are. And for myself, I'm kind of wondering how I can live my life without all these papers, because I'm trying to write stuff down. And part of that would be perhaps doing live videos or something at some point, or live audios. And just speaking, whenever. But that's not possible at the moment, because I am going to design some kind of business. 

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Yesterday I edited videos while doing two laps of this park. This morning, I started pretending that I could design some kind of more succinct course, because I've talked to myself for probably going on 200 hours on video now. And I would think that I might be able to create something that as summarized, because it's a lot of me talking to myself. And I wrote this. And so I was trying to break it down into several parts. And the first one is safety. Because living in these new ways can feel unsafe at times. And it's a process that doesn't guarantee survival. And neither does daily life. Anything can happen at any moment. Whether one is going through some kind of transformational process or just walking down the street. So making it through isn't guaranteed and none of us are going to make it through at the end. But I feel like we can create safety for ourselves using different tools that make us feel safe when we can be very creative with this. What makes me feel safe and what's helped me over the last couple years is having some kind of PRN, anti psychotic, having also a zap strap so I can keep myself safe somewhere I keep my body safe if I start experiencing things that aren't really congruent in my mind. And then a lot of times it's just the gesture of knowing that that is there. That keeps me feeling safe. And I don't actually have to carry that out. So I'm going to insect just pooped. This could be a sign from the universe. What was your all truism? So I'm going to skip ahead to step four, which is harvest practice embody and what was your altruism, because the universe via some kind of insect excrement wanted to highlight that point. And harvest practice and body is something that is ongoing. One can recognize elements from the magic state in daily life when one doesn't feel like one is in the state of magic. Maybe I can use the word you are we I like the word we. And then step two is designing your dreams. And I realized that that could possibly be a good step to and I welcome your feedback on this because now that I've transcended and I'm no longer on medications and not needing to, in voluntarily participate in the mental health system. And that energy is freed up from worrying about all of that and feeling like one day I would like to transcend. I'm realizing how do I live? What is life all about now that I don't need to refer everything to mental health that happens in my life. So I feel like I could have benefited from designing that while tapering off medications. And so this is for people who want to taper off or who have tapered off or are dreaming of that one day and gestures of moving towards those dreams even before one has tried intended because I feel like part of what helped me live the dream of tapering off medication was moving towards and carrying out my dream of going to California. So I might have thought, Well, when I taper off medications one day, if I ever do, and I'm out of the system, and I'm feeling good, then I'll go to California. 

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