Birth Stories in Color

This is a story about loss - miscarriage & abortion.

Barakah Sahaiel is a multi-faceted artist and birth worker who shared her personal experiences with pregnancy. Barakah was aware of her pregnancy within a week of conception and sought another elective abortion due to the unstable and traumatic relationship with her partner. She saw her provider and was advised that a miscarriage was underway. Barakah had a public passing of her fetus that she kept a secret for two years - personal shame kept her from sharing until she started Birthing Our Ancestors with her best friend. Sharing her stories of abortion and miscarriage (spontaneous and elective abortions) and finding new language to describe her experiences helped her release and begin to heal. Barakah was able to reframe her mindset and release herself from the shame that some mothers who have miscarried continue to carry with them.

Birthing Our Ancestors was born and became Barakah’s healing space. They invited women and men to engage in group therapy and conversation surrounding pregnancy loss. The sessions include a meal, group therapy, open dialogue, and an art project that supports womb trauma. Birthing Our Ancestors celebrates the connection between the spiritual and physical world of birthing both life and death.

Moji is originally from Benin, West Africa, with childhood and adult living experiences in the United States and Benin. Living in her family home and having knowledge of family homebirth,Moji never felt fully assimilated into the culture in Florida. Homebirth is a choice. One that requires asking - who will be there, what will I need, when should I be prepared, where will I labor, why am I choosing to birth at home, and how can this be accomplished. Current birth culture has romanticized homebirth in a way that can be challenging for people who don’t do the work before their labor and delivery. Moji found out she was pregnant while attending midwifery school. She and her partner were managing their new, not yet serious relationship and still learning about each other. They chose to live together as they started to plan their homebirth. Unfortunately, emotional and later physical abuse against Moji from her partner would mar the relationship, and Moji had to decide for herself and unborn child. She left and returned to her hometown to be with her family. After the move, she had a shift in her pregnancy that was full of joy.

Moji found a new midwife and began planning for her homebirth at her family home. When her labor started, she found herself still needing to grab last-minute items. She recognized the signs of labor but continued to work and complete her tasks. She took her time and allowed herself to adjust mentally. Moji connected with her labor support, which she handpicked for specific reasons to be present. She stayed mobile and utilized her tub to relax and bring her baby earthside.

Postpartum would bring on brief depression, and Moji utilized her encapsulated placenta to brighten her mood. She had time to bond with her baby alone, which she enjoyed. Her mother came to provide support and offer traditional West African postpartum care. Childbirth has helped Moji know herself, trust her body, and be comfortable with who she is. This has prompted Moji to return to Benin and learn more about the mother's postpartum care from within her family’s traditions. She is actively working to decolonize birth with her Wise African Woman Retreat. The Wise African Woman Retreat offers women and their families space to study, environment to explore, and community with whom to gather, learn, play, and expand knowledge.

Resources:

The Wise African Woman | birth education retreat

Divine Birth Wisdom | doula and lactation services - pregnancy and postpartum herbs and nutrition

Storytelling is always where the truth lies. It's an authentic account of our experiences - without modification, questions, or uncertainty. Validation that our experience and voice matters. We know what the narrative has been created around black fathers, what they are or aren't doing. What fatherhood has or hasn't meant to them. In our community, though we feel the truth, we know the role black fathers have in the foundation of their families.

This series, My Black Fatherhood, is an honor to those truths. In collaboration with Heather Gallagher (photojournalist Heather Gallagher photographer) were highlighting and amplifying the voices of black fathers in our community. In this episode, the voices you hear will be Heathers, holding space as host and the voices of black fathers sharing, a little bit of who they are, what their father figures have meant to them, and how they show up as fathers. These voices are a gift, and we are truly grateful and honored to share them with you all.

After her second birth and feeling like her care provider didn't respect it, she knew she wanted to approach her third differently. She labored at home for as long as possible. When it was time for her to go to the hospital, she made it clear that she wanted space for her and her husband, Chea to labor together. He was a rock for her, understanding the ebb and flow of the process. Encouraging her when she needed it, providing comfort, and was entirely in sync with her needs. Ashley describes it as "the most beautiful experience" being supported by Chea and able to do whatever she wanted to feel comfortable.

Ashley has always used her platform (www.watermeloneggrolls.com ) as a way of uplifting women, especially black women, focusing and highlighting how our everyday lives of being in our black body and experiences are something that should be celebrated. This work of celebration is also in how she raises her daughters. Ashley created the Beautiful Beautiful Me book and campaign as she noticed her eldest daughter wanted to look like her. While embracing that she also wanted her daughter to celebrate her appearance. Not finding anything that fit her needs, the book was manifested to show an array of children. Ashley is vocal in that she discusses with their children that they are multicultural. Through that highlighting the beauty of all sides of them. That even in their blackness as a reflection from their mother, their experience of being black and holding space in this world is different than hers. And as Ashley so eloquently states in this interview that teaching our children to love themselves first and fully makes it much easier for them to do the same for others. In her book, her work through Moms in Color and, most importantly, her daily life, her daughters get to see women of color working together, empowering each other, and loving each other. A true representation of our beauty and joy!

Resources:

Beautiful Beautiful Me Book | created to celebrate people of all colors and races

Moms in Color | a collective created for Black moms to celebrate diversity + motherhood.

An essential intention of Tonya's life is the ability to live freely. This intention is how she prepared for her birth. Knowing she wanted her husband to have an active role in her support. They utilized the Bradley Birth method of childbirth education, as it as a focus on an unmedicated approach using partners as birthing coaches. Having financial freedom allowed her to build a birth team that matched her and her husband's vision. Tonya not only had a black OBGYN but also supported in care from her black midwife. Combining both traditional medical practices with the traditional midwifery care, provided her with the security that nothing be left unturned.

This combination of care would turn out to be exactly the right setup.  When Tonya began labor, her OBGYN informed her that he was in the bay area celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday with his family. Meaning there was a strong possibility he would not be present for her birth. Even with his absence, Tonya, her husband, and midwife were able to walk into the hospital with confidence. Especially since the hospital and nurses were familiar with her midwife. Not only familiar with her presence, but in how she approached her interactions to ensure her families were thoroughly cared for. Tonya attributes her midwife's active role in assisting her in having a successful hospital birth. For her, that teamwork allowed "My birth team to advocate for me the way I would if I wasn't in such a vulnerable space.

Navigating postpartum, Tonya felt herself slipping into postpartum depression. Adjusting to the transition of what life with a baby entailed, she felt a sense of loss for the freedom that was once there before. There was also the adjustment to new sleeping schedules. Tonya and her husband quickly found that their son didn't get much sleep unless he was close to them, which affected the amount of sleep they were getting. Trying a variety of sleeping arrangements, they eventually decided to attempt co-sleeping. While a controversial decision for some, Tonya and her husband did their research, weighed the pros and cons, and created a sleeping environment that would be safe for their son. This change was effective for them - not only because they were able to sleep, but Tonya expresses that it allowed her to trust her intuition more, not parent out of fear, but parent freely in a way that made sense for her family.

As black-birthing people, we are continually receiving negative messages about our births and their outcomes, especially when we choose to birth in hospitals. Tonya's birth story is a testament that we can have happy, healthy and healing births.

Tonya is the founder of two amazing platforms. My Fab Finance is a financial education platform, providing tips, tools, and resources to help people tap into financial freedom to live a life they love. Wanting to offer more leverage for her community and an extension of economic freedom, she created the Maternal Health and Education program. With this, mothers have access to resources and financial support to experience pregnancy on their terms. We encourage you to connect to either of these platforms and if felt led to donate to the Maternal Health and Education program. You can also connect with Tonya via Facebook and Instagram.

Resources:

Crimson Fig Midwifery | Racha Tahani Lawler, CPM, LM

Kindred Space LA | a hub for midwifery care, doula support, lactation consulting, education, support groups, enrichment, meditation and movement.

Karabo joins us from South Africa to share her story of courage amid a changing world. She gave birth on April 6th, 2020, during the COVID-19 restrictions, which changed their birth plan so abruptly and drastically that it would alter all of her best-made plans. Karabo had a good pregnancy that encompassed the common discomforts and excitement of growing a new human and a family entail. Working as a teacher required her to be on her feet frequently and maintain student engagement without breaks to match her needs. But she enjoyed her pregnancy and started to prepare herself for what the actual childbirth experience would be like.

She and her partner prepared themselves for birth by creating a playlist to foster a peaceful and joyous environment in their birthing space to help with her emotions and physical movement. They wanted to capture the birth in video form to have as a memento for their family. Their plans came crashing to a halt as Karabo arrived at the hospital with her parents and awaiting her partner’s arrival. The door attendants simply stated, “This is where your journey ends, and hers begins.” They took her bags into the hospital, and while in labor, she separated from her loved ones to take on the task of giving birth to strangers in an unfamiliar space.

She would later learn that her partner would be able to visit for one hour per day, but the visitation time would conflict with his work hours and the city’s newly implemented curfew to help reduce COVID-19 exposure. Every step further, she took into the hospital required a shift in her mind and spirit. She would come out of her labor delivery as a new being with tremendous strength, and her postpartum recovery continued to bring about change.

Tara found out she was pregnant during her sophomore year of college and immediately was met with shame. Coming from a family that wasn't fond of her experience and attending a predominantly white Christian college, she spent most of her pregnancy in isolation, not talking about it and shutting herself into her dorm room. Knowing that it was important to get prenatal care still, Tara enrolled for Medicaid. She began seeing care providers at a clinic that focused on servicing those in the low socio-economic demographic. 

The dismissal of her journey also showed up during the birth of her daughter. Leading up to her birth Tara recalls feeling as if something was off. When she and her mother went into the hospital, her care providers explained that she was in labor, but that, based on how she was progressing, her baby probably wouldn't come until the morning and sent her family home. While this was the message conveyed, her doctor had different intentions. Soon after her family left, he broke Tara's water to "speed" her birth along. Her doctor and nurses from there continued to ignore Tara's wishes and were forceful in their approach, resulting in Tara's explaining a traumatic birth experience. 

Feeling a sense of loss from who she was before her baby, both physically and how she could live her life, Tara is clear that she suffered from postpartum depression. After an incident, Tara knew a change needed to happen. In a Facebook mother's group, she began sharing her story, finding that she wasn't alone in her experience and that others connected with her. She shared more, hoping that by doing so, others wouldn't go through the same thing, but she also found healing in sharing. Tara has turned her healing and reflection into becoming a community doula supporting families in the Mississippi area through the Jackson Safer Childbirth Program if you would like to connect with her head to her Facebook page or Instagram page. 

We leave every episode with lessons, and Tara's were;

• "Don't allow your truth to be silenced because it makes other people uncomfortable." - Tara Clifton
• The importance and value of community birth workers with similar lived experiences working under a lens of reproductive justice.

As we navigate the COVID-19 pandemic and the tighter lens of racism, the lessons learned from Tara's are even more important! 

Resources:

Evidence Based Birth | evidence-based information on pregnancy and childbirth

This is a story about loss - In memory of Saul

Throughout her life, Kimberly was told and thought that as long as you strive to do your best good things would happen to you. So she did that, followed the rules, followed the order of things - got an education, fell in love, got married, and then pregnant. In her mind, there was no reason for her to think that this next phase of her life wouldn't go "right." With no early indication, in 2014, Kimberly and Aaron Novod's son, Saul, was born prematurely at twenty-eight weeks and six days. He was whisked to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). Initially, they thought he was going to do well and would be bringing their baby home. Yet, baby Saul passed after twenty days in the NICU due to a brain bleed. In that experience, Kimberly realized that there was no "justice"; her previous mindset had shielded her from the mass inequities of the world. There were limitations to medicine, to doctors, to life, and she fell as she describes into the "rabbit hole of grief."

As a way to process through their grief and work on healing, Kimberly and her husband Aaron created Saul's Light. During their time of need, their community surrounded them in love and support, which was an integral part of their healing process. Thus, making it their mission to provide the same outpouring to all NICU and bereaved families. A vital part of the support provided to families is through mobilizing people, organizations, and resources directly from their community. Families are offered social-emotional support through peer and whole group support groups and events. Partnering hospitals have cooling cots that allow families who may lose children to create and have memories with their babies. They also have established patient assistant funds allocated towards parents' need for transportation, food, and other expenses that might arise. Along with educating families, there is education provided to hospital staff about being culturally responsive and preparing them to have end-of-life discussions.

In the sharing of her birth story, Kimberly makes it clear and points that we cannot ignore the disparities that black and brown babies are overrepresented in the NICU and the graveyard. When parents are present for their babies and present in their care, they have better outcomes. Saul's Light allows for families to have that, responsive to the whole experience of NICU and also addressing infant mortality. It is a communal embrace, reminding families that their community cares about them, and they're not alone!

Resources:

Nicole Diggins CNM, MSN, MPH | midwife and founder/CEO of Sista Midwife Productions

Dasia Gant was proudly serving in the military as her family was starting to grow. Dasia’s expectations of pregnancy challenged her as she was once a stellar athlete who had thought she would continue to be active and work out. But pregnancy took a toll on her body that she was not ready for, although watching herself grow was still a beautiful time for her family. Little did she know that the emotional toll of pregnancy as an active duty member of the military would weigh heavier than the physical challenges. The white male-dominated space did not garner empathy for the basic understanding of her needs during pregnancy. Dasia was a missile cleaner, which required a great deal of physical labor. She had to fight for changes in her duties and seek out the care that would best suit her and other women that could follow. When Dasia started preparing for birth she explored the options presented on her base and chose a midwife that could attend hospital births. As she explored more about birth, she decided that home birth using hypnobirthing to aid in her desire for a natural birth experience.  

Dasia’s homebirth was going well when her midwife arrived she came in quietly and respected the birth space. There was a shift in her daughter’s heart rate that alarmed her midwife, and she shared her desire to have the baby monitored at the hospital. Dasia and her husband prepared to transfer to the hospital armed with her homebirth midwife and doula. Once they arrived at the hospital, her body started to mentally and physically come out of the peaceful calm of her home. She began to feel like she was disconnecting and handing over the reins of her birth to the hospital staff. She requested an epidural to help relax her body and allow the physiologic process of birth to continue. The anesthesiologist started to insert the needle in her back, and she began to feel a hot and tingly sensation going down her back. This would go on six-eight times before her epidural was placed correctly. The experience would mark the shift in her labor that would have lasting physical and mental repercussions for Dasia. Her story is one of resilience, strength, and determination that we easily connect with those who choose to serve. Unfortunately, there’s no medal for surviving obstetric violence and gaslighting. Dasia takes us with her as she rehashes how her postpartum experience unfolded immediately after her labor and delivery.  

Resources:

Mama Slay Life | motherhood transition coach

Mamas in Color | a space for mamas of color - birthing photos, travel, pregnancy, postpartum, everything mama

Kayla Lucas shared her experiences with both of her sons after she had un-planned inductions. While neither experience was what she expected, she describes them as helping her dig within herself to find a voice to advocate for herself, her strength and determination. Aspects she hopes to encourage others to use in their own birthing experiences.

Kayla described being diagnosed with hyperemesis, which made pregnancy physically challenging as she worked to stay healthy and maintain good nutrition. Hyperemesis is a severe type of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. Rarely, morning sickness is so severe that it's classified as hyperemesis gravidarum. Symptoms include severe nausea and feeling faint or dizzy when standing. It can also cause persistent vomiting, which can lead to dehydration. This condition can require hospitalization and treatment with IV fluids and anti-nausea medications.

After going past her due date, Kayla was faced with learning that she would need to be induced due to her baby having heart decelerations during a prenatal exam. The induction was the catalyst to the cascade of interventions that would eventually lead to a surgical birth being introduced as an option. Kayla started to build her resolve to change the trajectory of her birth - reaching out to her support people and praying. She was able to avoid a surgical birth after giving herself time to progress. Kayla listened to her voice, which would guide her through her next pregnancy.

Armed with a new resolve and self-trust, Kayla set out to have the birth she wanted with her second son. She pushed back and questioned everything. However, her pregnancy journey led her to another induction. Her baby was diagnosed with Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR), a condition in which a baby does not grow to average weight during pregnancy. This time she was able to pause and prepare her mind, body, and family to start her labor.

Postpartum depression would mire her experience as a mother in the months after her birth. She sought support through therapy and was able to come out of it after becoming pregnant again. Kayla's grandmother helped her by acknowledging what her granddaughter was going through. She opened her home to her for respite during the day and watched her son during therapy sessions. Her family gave her time, space, and resources for a time to herself to help relieve anxiety.

Kayla wants women to connect with themselves to build self-trust before pregnancy to help them be self-advocates in their care. Find your voice, speak up, and be heard.