#012 Too Many Dicks in the Chapel

Brother "Hairy" deconstructs his "Golden" conversion.

Fortunately, Brother Paul switched over to soda water for this one.

Smitty didn't make any more sense though.

All anyone can remember from the silly reading this week is:

Look

LOOK

LOOK!

LOOOOOOOOOOOK!!

LOOK-ing for endless hours of house music? Brother "Hairy" Brent has a non-stop-party Soundcloud:

https://soundcloud.com/hairy-1

Wanna hear the song Sister Patience mentioned? Here you are:

https://soundcloud.com/PatienceAllergy

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#011 Yesterday, in other words, differs, for the more part, it must needs be.

The poorest English readable in a "Holy Book".

Fortunately, Brother Paul switched over to vodka for this episode; so Smitty's incoherence left no lasting vexation with him.

However, Sister Patience read the chapters sober; and yay, her patience ran thin.

Includes silly uses of the following phrases:

"in other words"

"for the more part"

"it must needs be"

"the same yesterday, today, and forever"

"Holy Ghost"

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#010 Mighty Mormon Wilderness Rangers

1 Nephi 8 defies analysis

Brother Paul hit max DING in the last episode, so it's all SPIT-TAKES this week. And gawd there are a lot of them.

Included:

Genetics 101 with Brother Paul.

Geography 101 with Sister Patience.

Iron rods, tender mercies, tasty fruit, and too much head.

Was Smitty a food colour bigot?

"Joseph Smith" is a NOUN and a VERB.

A fellow in a bathrobe leads Lehi thru a silly dream that doesn't mean anything.

The context dependent meaning of the word "theory".

Evolution is a fact, and it's "The Greatest Show on Earth".

Joseph Smith vs Willy Wonka.

Which is sillier? Isaiah or 1 Nephi 8?

Smitty still can't use English.

Nephi claims he wants to be "short in writing", but no one takes him seriously.

The FINGER OF SCORN!

Brother Paul's fitness goals.

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#009 Therefore I Spat Unto Thee... Pineapple!

Does the Book of Mormon make sense on marijuana?

Included:

Brother Mark's skincare routine.

The most stimulating Mormon Hymn for gay men.

The horrific mandates of LDS patriarch: Boy-Cake Fudge-Packer.

The Un-Miracles in "The Miracle of Forgiveness".

Ball-Busting fashions during the 1970s.

Mormon Shotgun Weddings: because the fellas are trigger happy.

The hilarity of Mormon themed pornography.

Horny LDS Bishop, takes High Definition Confessional, of Wayward Member's Sexy Liason, while seated conveniently behind a desk, to hide their own wayward "member".

The word of the LAAARRRD must be fulfilled! FILLED!

Impossibly, of Lehi's four adult Jewish sons, not one was already married.

God enjoys some rope play.

Brother Paul finds out how many times he can DING in a day.

Nephi gets frank with us.

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#008 That One Time, at Temple Camp.

Zero fun was had.

Our first guest, Sister Roslyn, helps us ridicule the Book of Mormon!

Included:

Tales of inappropriate handling in Mormon temples!

Sister Roslyn's "Getting Out" (of Mormonism) story.

We read 1 Nephi 5: 1-8. The passage that ruins communication in LDS marriages.

Myriad ways LDS oppress women.

How to have sex, without having sex, and "soak" to sinless fornication!

The correct way to decorate the Book of Mormon.

(in flames until ashes works)

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#007 The Book of Boredom Easter Special

Holy holes in hands, Batman!

It's Easter this weekend, so we have a special Easter Egg

for you all!

Brother Paul found a Urim and Thummim in a hill, and

Sister Patience uses it to interview the one-and-only

Jesus of Nazareth!

She doesn't hold back, asking all the hard questions humanity is dying to have answers for:

What is your opinion of the Easter Bunny?

Please explain the Trinity.

Got thoughts on Joseph Smith?

Are you coming back to Earth anytime soon?

What are your wine recommendations?

So... You and Mary Magdalene were...

Do you like chocolate?

What was the nature of your relationship with John the Beloved (disciple)?

With a parental-unit like THE FATHER, what are your daddy-issues?

Do you ever get freaky with those hand holes?

All this and more, in an unmissable episode, with the Son of God.

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#005 Gird your loins, hold your rod, and hie to Kolob.

Or don't.

This week, Sister Patience has questions about papyri,

missing walls, and glorious swords that only Brother Paul can answer.

We finally find a chapter with an almost exciting narrative!

That for some reason, once again, has lots of homo-erotic references.

What was Smitty over-overcompensating for? So much talk of loins, swords,

using a sword to get head (or a head, or even ahead),

more loins and did we mention loins?

Oh, and cross dressing, bloodless decapitation, the case of the missing walls,

masters of impersonation, and more!

Also, did we mention loins?

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#004 Behold my FLAMING SWORD!

Be my Valentine?

It was Valentine's Day recently, so Brother Paul

decided to teach his eternal concubine, Sister Patience,

all about the Mormon history of polygamy.

Which of course, was only practiced because an angel

with a MASSIVE FLAMING SWORD told Joseph Smith to do it.

He totally didn't want to have sex with other men's wives.

It was that gosh darn angel's fault!

More CAMP travel tips from Nephi and Friends:

Smiting with rods,

Hard Words given,

Buff arms hammering, and...

Enough homo-eroticism to be called "50 Shades of Gayphi".

Links to stuff Brother Paul talks about in this episode specifically

http://mormonthink.com/joseph-smith-polygamy.htm#angel

http://wivesofjosephsmith.org/

https://churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132?lang=eng

https://missedinsunday.com/memes/prophet/angel-and-sword/

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#003 And the DING! came to pass.

Over and over again.

Now with sound effects!

In this week's show Brother Paul and Sister Patience

read 1st "Neffi" Chapter 2. And therein learn many

crazy things.

Nephi's family travels the wilderness,

to a "firm and steadfast" valley, near a non-existent river,

within a border that doesn't make sense.

We see the beginnings of how Joseph Smith

would re-invent the "Mark of Cain" (Genesis 4:15)

in the dogmas of his era. And inturn, invent a whole

new breed of racism.

Lehi's camping tips:

Pitch a tent like you're going to live in it. (1 Nephi 2:15)

Keep "Roll'n Roll'n..." in the wilderness while listening to Limp Bizkit. (1 Nephi 2:14)

Don't bring money with you. (1 Nephi 2:4)

Other discussions:

J. R. R. Tolkien: invented a language.

J. Smith Jnr: invented the NAME of a language.

Do crazy dreams run in Nephi's family?

Does Nephi have Younger Sibling Syndrome?

This thing still makes no sense...

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#002 Are Your Bosoms Burning?

Nope.

With the intros out of the way, Brother Paul and Sister Patience start reading from the 1st Book of Nephi. Or is it "Neffi"?

Also discussed:

Patience's breasts.

Ye olde English.

Where are all the ladies in this story?

Why didn't the translation stones have divine grammar check abilities?

If Nephi was chiselling this into gold plates... Why the repetition and long sentences? His bicep must have been massive!

When does this start to make sense?

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.