#031 Mormon Masonic Adventure

May I shake your hand?

Back with another Ex-Mormon Guest! Sister Ashleigh helps us read 2nd Nephi Chapter 4. Lehi finally dies! But Nephi takes over, and continues talking complete horseshit.

Highlights include:

Brother Paul as Sam Jackson as Nephi, "I've had it with these motherfucking Lamanites, fucking up my motherfucking, ummm, thing."

Hear what happens when you use a Mormon Temple Handshake on a Mason!

What it's like to be a Mormon missionary in an Islamic country.

Everyone's bi-sexual, or is it a spectrum? Maybe it's just a word?

Sister Patience tries to explain Mormon misogeny with evolutionary psychology.

Learn more about previous guest Sister Rhonda, as we vicariously attend her hens night on the set of Dusk Till Dawn, complete with Pussy Menu(TM).

Someone in Brother Paul's neighbourhood breaks Covid lockdown.

Brother Paul sings a beautiful song from the Mormon Slut-Shame Video.

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#029 Hard Working Plums

Joseph Smith goes full fruit-of-the-loins

Continuing our series of outsider's opinions on the Book of Mormon, today's guest, Brother Adrian, helps us read the rediculous 2nd Nephi Chapter 3.

Highlights include:

joseph Joseph JOSEPH.

Sister Patience speaks in tongues, then Brother Adrian translates.

Smitty slams his dick in a book.

"Expedient in my wisdom" doesn't mean anything.

Learn some Christianese!

Play the "Brother Paul Yawns" drinking game. Then take another drink for the guest yawning!

Names of virtue, updated for the 21st Century!

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#028 Affixed x 3

Lehi is glitching again...

We wanted to get an outsider's opinion of the Book of Mormon, so this week's guest, Brother Ray, was raised without any religion! Hear his take on 2 Nephi 2.

Highlights include:

v10 Lehi becomes affixed in a loop of saying "affixed".

v11 Smitty wanted to write Jane Austen fan fiction, but had "neither sense nor insensibility".

v14 Lehi discovers Newtonian Physics while refusing to die.

v15 Nephi discovers that his father once made a porno "The Eternal Purposes In The End Of Man".

Brother Paul and Sister Patience sing Paula Abdul hits.

Good is good, and bad is bad.

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#027 Davy Jones' Locker

Sister Adrienne helps read Lehi's dead pirate story.

Today's guest, Sister Adrienne, was raised Mormon, but always KNEW it was horse-shit! Now she gets to have an honest Seminary reading while enjoying a nice alcoholic beverage!

Highlights include:

How to play Twister with the Book of Mormon.

"Passetheth".

Sister Adrienne teaches us the correct way to say "Yea".

We visit The Gulf of Misery and Woe (just left of the Gulf of Carpentaria).

Lehi goes to Davey Jones' Locker.

"He's already said all this!"

"Ahhh, but has he said it ten times?"

Lehi tells his sons to be men, because they were actually daughters, and he didn't like that. So he forced them to change gender.

Nephi buys several "penis-extension vehicles" (Camels). Each bigger and faster than the last, and capable of ever increasing loads.

Nephi makes like T.Swizzle and "shakes it off".

Everybody Loves a Wounded Mormon: The Sitcom!

Reasons to stay home this Sunday

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#026 Hostile Harem Takeover

Brother Paul gets disciplined (and likes it!)

Today we read the last chapter of First Nephi! To celebrate, Brother Paul had the amazing idea to put all our former guests in a giant online conference and read it together. And well, this happened...

Brother "Hairy" Brent and Sister Sarah couldn't make it. Awww. But Sister Rahela (who is NOT a former guest) joined us for an ex-Seventh Day Adventist perspective on Smitty's silly book!

It turned out that the internet really sucked. Brother Mark kept connecting, then freezing! We started in a Zencastr session, but moved to Zoom because latency was high. Then we lost Brother Mark in the internet. So this episode has been sewn together with love from 3 Zoom sessions, an Ecastr backup, and Sisters Roslyn, Robyn (and special appearance by Paige) were all extracted from the same headset!

Brother Paul ended up being the only man, and boy was he overruled! Mostly by Drunk Rhonda (TM)! Ahahaha.

Highlights include:

Two-Faced Jesus.

Atheist Hydration Smoothie.

Sister Rhonda's Hand Gestures (TM).

The most sinful mile, with grapes.

Drunk Sister Robyn's attempts to fetch the Guinea Pig (not a euphamism), and find verse 27.

Lily's Scripture Studies.

Mormon conspiracy theories with Sister Roslyn!

Sister Rahela's Shovel.

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#025 Wedding Planner Jesus

Who also enjoys BDSM!

As we read 1 Nephi 21, which Smitty mostly grabbed from the Bible's Isaiah 49, a major style change occurs within the writing: Verses become made of more than 1 sentence!

Don't thank Smitty. Thank the Jewish writers, that invented this horseshit, and the translators of the King James Version (who were probably afraid King Jimmy would execute them if they used English poorly).

The irony is of course, Smitty had no grammar fear, and was murded by a mob, in a country that claims to not crown kings anymore.

Highlights include:

Smitty is making shit babies again, but this time it's because Isaiah made shit babies too. (1 Nephi 21:1, Isaiah 49:1).

Obligatory shout-out to Brother Mark in "high places" (1 Nephi 21:9, Isaiah 49:8).

Jesus is a wedding planner who enjoys BDSM (1 Nephi 21:18, Isaiah 49:18).

New drinking game! Take a swig every time Brother Paul yawns.

In verse 20, God commands us to live in the gayest districts we can find! "...The place is too strait for me; give place to me that I may dwell." I wish we could mock his modern innacurate spelling for "strait" in this context, but it used to be used this way, and the KJV uses it too *sigh*

In repayment for faithfully awaiting Jesus' return, the faithful remnant get to lick dust off his feet. (1 Nephi 21:23, Isaiah 49:23).

God goes full "saw movie" in verse 26. Yikes!

Merch idea: the "Book of Boredom Bikini", complete with our mascot covering nipples!

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.

#023 Which Prophet?

Zenos? Zendick? Xenos Warrior After-Shave?

We read 1 Nephi 19-20, and didst not knoweth what we hath parseth. Seriously, if you're questioning Mormonism, just read this silly book. And start with these chapters! Ahahaha.

Smitty reaches peak incoherance. And every verse gets sillier than the previous. Sister Patience loses it at 1 Nephi 19:3. Brother Paul loses it at 1 Nephi 19:6. He even reads it twice to attempt understanding!

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#021 The Neverending Stick Up Nephi's Arse

Sister Rhonda helps read Bible fan-fic 1 Nephi 18.

Highlights include:

Lily's Scripture Study.

"Und es begab sich" ~ German for Smitty's favourite phrase.

The Holy Ghost is 2 big Samoan blokes.

Mormon Ancient Aliens.

1 Nephi 18:9 ~ Nephi's family are, "lifted up unto exceeding rudeness"!

1 Nephi 18:10 ~ Nephi makes the mistake of speaking to drunk people while being sober.

1 Nephi 18:18 ~ Smitty creates "muddy" analogies by mixing dust with water.

Nephi finds no buffalo in North-America, but there were plenty of cows!

Hear Part 2, Sister Rhonda's "Getting Out Story", on Patreon:

https://patreon.com/posts/raised-on-fan-52699328

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#020 Still Small Thunder

Nephi builds a boat and drinks human breast milk.

Brother Paul shows us the exciting research he's been sitting on. The events of 1 Nephi 17 are so implausible, that Brother Paul and Sister Patience break out in song 3 times!

Highlights in this episode include:

Nephi re-tells stories from the Bible. Specifically about the Caduceus.

Preparator 2: It Must Needs Be a Call Back.

Nephi gets high blood pressure from hard heart arteries. Or is it an endlessly hard penis?

Sister Patience learns that the Book of Mormon is a PICTURE BOOK!

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#019 Cotton-Eye Ho

Shake the magic 8 ball: Will the Book of Mormon make sense today?

The answer is ALWAYS "doubtful".

So, we're gonna speed read the next 3 chapters ~ 1 Nephi 14-16, so Brother Paul can tell you all about Mormon Boat Building Theory in chapter 17, next week! He's so excited.

But alas, Smitty is in our way. And Christ-on-a-cracker he makes it difficult to read...

Highlights in this episode include:

The filthiest verse yet (with the silliest English) ~ 1 Nephi 15:33. "...and if their works have been filthiness they must needs be filthy..."

Preparator 2: It Must Needs Be. ~ 1 Nephi 15:35

Sister Patience sings some Sade.

Nephi continues to be so "SUCCINCT", that he TELLS US ONCE AGAIN how "BRIEF" he's being.

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A nice review on any podcast platform will help frustrate the Heavenly Father's boring plans for your future.