#053 Brother Brandon II

The Branding

Let's go on our 2nd historical journey with Brother Brandon; then ridicule 2 Nephi 29!

Highlights:

"View Of The Hebrews" was a book that predated the silly book by 7 years, and had similar ideas. Smitty wasn't very creative.

Sister Patience pronounces "Sidney Rigdon" incorrectly multiple times.

Smitty had bone surgery without anaesthetic! Ouch!

Mormonism and folk magic.

"Witness" Martin Harris is a distant relative of Brother Brandon!

What "treasure hunting" means in the context of Joseph Smith.

Was Emma COMPLICIT?

"The Council Of 50", and a silly plan for when Jesus came back.

Ice-blocking.

Why the ratio of men to women in the early church in Utah is an inadequate explanation for why polygamy was practised.

Smitty got bored in jail, and wrote more horseshit.

2 Nephi 29:1-3 is one long sentence of 153 words!

Sidney Rigdon may have had brain damage from being dragged. Eeek!

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#052 And The Winner Is...

RAGE!

In this episode, we learn how to pronounce "Sidney", "Sydney", and "Shi-Do-Nii". Satan hauls out his chains, and God doesn't seem to know what he wants.

Highlights:

(Verse 3) Sparticus-style "I am the Lord's"

Knocking down the Moroni statue in a role playing game.

Brother Paul reveals an affinity for cigars.

So much singing!

Podcasting with ADHD

God says all he has to say, then says some more!

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#051 A Novel Informed by the Author's Life

Smitty can't let it go!

You've heard us mention her. You've heard her off-microphone. Hell, you've even heard her snore. Now for the first time, we are officially joined by Sister Kristi! We read 2 Nephi 27, where Smitty more heavily modifies Isaiah than previously, but ends up making himself look petty. God continues to refine the classics. He has more emotions than Sister Patience in this chapter. He's all over the place!

Highlights:

Gay Mormon movies.

Praying about marriage in Mormonism involved 99.99 percent horniness.

Mormon Food Vouchers.

If you're poor, don't go to the Mormon Church for help.

How to get drunk on your own iniquity. (2 Nephi 27:1)

Jesus Power Co. (2 Nephi 27:11)

Joseph Smith, as after-told by his own scripture, what a man, what a con-man. (2 Nephi 27:12)

Smitty predicts Amazon dot com. (2 Nephi 27:12)

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#050 Plain Simple Nephi

So plain. So simple.

Now that we're out of the Isaiah parts of 2nd Nephi, Brother Adrian was keen to join us and help read what happens next in this moronic story. However, to our collective dissappointment, Nephi decides to nephiii-it-up. Sure, Isaiah is over, but Nephi has a brand new Smitty-Original prophecy, in plain simple language. Arghhhh!

Highlights:

Brother Paul's gnarly reading voice courtesy of Omicron!

Nephi says he understands what is written in Isaiah, but then goes onto to not explain any of it. (2 Nephi 25 1-7)

Dead people whispering through the dust they are buried in, and still being heard. WTF? (2 Nephi 26:16)

One of the most rediculous verses yet, "... and have stumbled, because of the greatness of their stumbling block ..." (2 Nephi 26:20)

Nephi tells us about his BDSM dungeon complete with secret combinations, and flaxen binding cord. We think his safety word was probably "seed". (2 Nephi 26:22)

Was Nephi also into pony-play? 2 Nephi 26:25-28 has an awful lot of "naying".

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#048 The End of Isaiah

For now...

Raised without religion, Sister Kelli reacts to the craziness of Isaiah (2 Nephi 24). This is the last chapter to be plagiarised by Joseph Smith from Isaiah in Second Nephi! Yayyy.

Find Kelli here:

https://www.twitch.tv/kelliholzxx

Highlights:

Meet MC Nephi. His rhymes are dope, and his beats are heavy.

God needs to stop playing with the Israelite's rods.

Isaiah explains how to please a man with one continual stroke.

Maybe Isaiah just wants a lumberjack, or as he says, a "tree feller".

Sometimes Isaiah turns into Shakespeare, more than 2000 years before The Bard lived.

Brother Paul, once again, forgets to read a section of scripture. However, he gets a free pass because he managed to connect to Zencastr with the correct microphone on the first attempt! Sister Patience says, "Thankyou! XXOO."

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#047 Art vs Religion

Because Science vs Religion only convinces scientists.

This week, Brother Mitchell joins us to discuss the ups and downs of how Christianity has effected his family. We also have fun shitting all over 2 Nephi 23 (similar to Isaiah 13).

Highlights:

The Book of Mormon as toilet reading material AND toilet tissue.

Hot vs Crazy, and the search for The Unicorn.

The answer to the question, "What happens when a member of The Bretheren church needs to buy a new car?"

The answer to another question, "What was the first written recording of the pull-out method?"

Another tale of taking a date to church, only to desecrate said church, by copulation with said date on church premesis.

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#046 Death by Snu-Snu

Taking it dry-shod and thinking of England

Isaiah is that person at a party that wants to tell you all about that thing nobody cares about. However, these two chapters do have some amusing gems!

Highlights:

Ex-Mormon Discord servers.

Brother Paul proclaims his commitment to quality blasphemy.

2 Nephi 21:6 has the famous Isaiah quote about dangerous animals no longer eating flesh. Sister Patience explains how dangerous animals in movies and social media are often drugged to make them more placid in order to get a winning shot.

2 Nephi 21:8 mentions a mythical beast called a "cockatrice". It's like a reptile rooster. And somehow comes into being when a rooster lays an egg (rooster's don't lay eggs), and when the egg is incubated by a toad.

In 2 Nephi 21:15 we discover that God likes his men to go in "dry shod".

2 Nephi 22:1 uses the word "comfortedst". Which the spell checker on Sister Patience' computer does not like.

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#045 Isaiah in Space

Every verse is a universe.

Every chapter is a multiverse. Today's multiverse is 2 Nephi 20 (Isaiah 10). And as usual, the prophet can't keep any idea in his mind longer than a verse.

Highlights:

Brother Paul pisses in the Baptisimal Font and creates the world's first Sacred Golden Shower.

Catherine the Great gets penetrated by a horse. A rumour probably started by her detractors.

A new word, "confrontatative", sums up the best and worst of Sister Patience' personality.

So much talk of mounds, and rods that clearly Isaiah wanted what most men want 24-7.

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#043 Smoking Saves Lives

Comedian Sue-Ann Post helps us ridicule 2 Nephi 19

Ex-Mormon lesbian comedian Sue-Ann Post tells us some fun tales - including how quitting cigarettes actually killed her father!

Highlights:

Sister Sue-Ann failed Seminary and got an "F". Brother Paul passed Seminary, but failed high school.

Brother Paul explains how many communion wafers it takes before you've eaten a whole Jesus.

Sister Sue-Ann explains the sillyness of Buddhism. Sister Patience despises the "emptiness" that Buddhism strives for.

Brother Paul and Sister Sue-Ann think Sister Patience should lean into her verbal diarrhoea, but Sister Patience isn't so sure.

Brother Paul and Sister Sue-Ann think "sex is just friction". Sister Patience disagrees.

Sister Sue-Ann dislikes author and philospher Ayn Rand. Sister Patience likes Ayn Rand. Both appreciate disagreement. The unwarranted big-deal Brother Paul made about this has been cut for your listening pleasure.

Once again, Brother Paul thinks Sister Patience should enjoy sex to the same mind-blowing degree he does. Sister Patience thinks Brother Paul should consider the possibility that not everyone works the same way he does.

Sister Sue-Ann and Brother Paul think having high standards for sexual partners is overrated. Sister Patience disagrees.

Brother Paul and Sister Sue-Ann love marijuana. Sister Patience thinks marijuana makes people boring.

This conversation confirmed for Sister Patience: polyamory is NOT for her.

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#042 Another Man's Wife

So pick me up and pay for everything!

Sister Shea helps us read 2 Nephi 18, and tells us her incredible "getting out" story.

Along the way she's had some strange boyfriends. She sure knows how to pick 'em:

A crazy Mormon boyfriend who called Shea from jail, then forgot to call (or even text) when he was released.

Another crazy Mormon boyfriend who decided that, since he was never going to marry Shea, he wasn't paying for any dates with her either. Not even his share! Yet still continued to ask her on dates!

Her latest fella is an ex-Lutheran pastor, and recently went to bull fighting school.

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