SUMMARY - Why do the same power struggles keep happening over and over again between parents and children? In this episode, Eileen explores the “coercive cycle,” a pattern first identified by researcher Gerald Patterson and his colleagues after decades of observing parent-child interactions. Through a Brain First lens, she explains why these escalating moments are often rooted not in defiance, but in lagging skills, nervous system dysregulation, and patterns both parents and children can unintentionally get stuck inside.

TAKEAWAYS:

• What the parent-child “coercive cycle” is and how it develops
• Why escalation often reinforces the cycle for both parents and children
• How traditional behavioral interpretations can keep families stuck
• The role nervous system dysregulation and lagging skills play in conflict
• Why “won’t” is often actually “can’t”
• How parent triggers, beliefs, exhaustion, and burnout can intensify interactions
• Questions to ask yourself before engaging with your child
• Why using fewer words and disengaging early can help interrupt escalation
• How a Brain First lens shifts the goal from control to regulation and connection

RESOURCES:

The Resilience Room Membership Community

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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen shares 8 essential mind shifts that help parents move from a behavioral lens to a Brain First lens when parenting children with brain-based differences and challenging behaviors. These shifts can help you better understand your child’s nervous system, reduce conflict, strengthen connection, and parent with more clarity, flexibility, and confidence.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Why “My child would do better if they could” is one of the most transformative parenting shifts
• How challenging behaviors are often signs of distress, overwhelm, and lagging skills
• Why behavior-focused parenting approaches often miss the root causes
• How adjusting expectations around development can reduce frustration for both you and your child
• The importance of meeting cognitive rigidity with flexibility and empathy
• Why the goal of parenting is not compliance, but connection, regulation, and skill-building
• How to trust your own understanding of your child, even when others don’t understand your approach
• Why caring for yourself is an essential part of supporting your child’s well-being

RESOURCES:

Free downloadable infographic: 8 Essential Mind Shifts for More Connected Parenting

Episode 19: Rethinking What It Means to Be Resilient

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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen reflects on a common theme that comes up again and again in sessions with parents: the belief that “I’m failing” or “I should be better at this by now.” When you’re parenting a child with intense, relentless behaviors, it’s easy for self-blame to take hold, but these thoughts often point to something deeper. This episode explores what may be underneath this narrative and how to shift toward more compassionate, supportive self-reflection.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Feeling like you’re “failing” is a common experience for parents of children with brain-based differences and intense behaviors
• These thoughts are often signals of deeper emotion, not objective truth
• Irritability and reactivity can be protective layers masking fear, grief, and resentment
• Fear may show up as worries about your child’s future or long-term functioning
• Grief can stem from the gap between what you expected parenting to be and your lived reality
• Resentment may be connected to the intensity of the demands and lack of adequate support
• Self-reflection is important, but it needs to be paired with self-compassion, not harsh criticism
• Your willingness to question yourself reflects how deeply you care, not that you are failing

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting Podcast Episode 22: The Unique Grief Affecting Parents of Neurodivergent Kids

Brain First Parenting Podcast Episode 29: When You Feel Stretched Thin: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

Blog post: Three Things Your Irritability Might Be Masking

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You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com

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SUMMARY - In this episode, we explore relational cognitive skills, the brain-based abilities that shape how children navigate relationships, manage emotions, and respond to others. When these skills are still developing, behaviors can feel deeply personal and even hurtful. This episode offers a powerful reframe: your child’s behavior is not a reflection of their character, but a signal of lagging skills that can be supported and strengthened over time.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Many of the most challenging behaviors are rooted in lagging relational cognitive skills, not defiance or disrespect
• Skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, perspective-taking, and emotional regulation are brain-based and develop over time
• When these skills are underdeveloped, behaviors can feel personal, hurtful, and scary for parents
• Social awareness and interpersonal skills impact a child’s ability to read cues, understand others, and build relationships
• Cognitive rigidity can make it extremely difficult for kids to shift plans, handle “no,” or consider other perspectives
• Emotional outbursts often reflect difficulty regulating, expressing, and responding to emotions, not intentional misbehavior
• Under stress, a child’s thinking brain can go offline, making these skills temporarily inaccessible
• Shifting from a “won’t” mindset to a “can’t yet” lens can transform how you respond to your child
• Skills can be supported and strengthened over time with the right understanding and approach

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 3: Help Your Rigid Thinking Child Become More Flexible

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 8: Help Your Child Break the Perseveration Loop

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SUMMARY - Today's episode is Part 2 of a 2-part conversation with Guy Stephens, founder and executive director of the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR), a national nonprofit dedicated to ending the use of punitive, exclusionary, and dangerous discipline in schools.

Takeaways:

• AASR's work is guided by 5 principles: trauma-informed, neuroscience-aligned, neurodiversity-affirming, collaborative, and relationship-driven
• Implementing these principles into the culture of an organization and the work of the individual professional is not a "one-and-done" event. It requires on-going commitment and work.
• When behavior is assessed using these five principles, it is then possible to see beyond the surface behavior, through a brain and nervous system informed lens.
• When the root cause of behavior is accurately identified, there are other, more compassionate and effective approaches that emerge in how to support the individual who is struggling behaviorally.

RESOURCES:

• Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR)
• YouTube: Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint

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SUMMARY - Today's episode is Part 1 of a 2-part conversation with Guy Stephens, founder and executive director of the Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR), a national nonprofit dedicated to ending the use of punitive, exclusionary, and dangerous discipline in schools. Driven by his own son’s traumatic experiences, Guy advocates for trauma-informed, neuroscience-aligned, and neurodiversity-affirming approaches in child-serving systems. Listen in on the conversation with Eileen and Guy, as they discuss a topic that is important for parents and professionals alike.

TAKEAWAYS:

• This work is personal for Guy and he shares how he came to his advocacy work to prevent seclusion and restraint in schools and other environments as the parent of a neurodivergent child who had multiple experiences of being secluded and restrained.
• Guy shares details about the mission of Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR), which is to inform changes in policy and practice to reduce and eliminate the use of punitive discipline and outdated behavioral management approaches and end the school-to-prison pipeline.
• Guy explains the AASR's 3 areas of focus: legislation and law policy; education; and support.

RESOURCES:

• Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint (AASR)
• YouTube: Alliance Against Seclusion and Restraint

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You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com

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SUMMARY - In Part 2 of this series on supporting siblings, we shift from awareness to action. Building on the themes discussed in Part 1, this episode offers practical, brain-first strategies parents can use to support siblings who are impacted by challenging behaviors at home. From conversations about how brains work differently to creating safety plans and strengthening protective factors, this episode focuses on what you can do to help siblings feel safe, seen, and supported.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Begin ongoing, age-appropriate conversations about how brains work differently to help siblings make sense of behavior without excusing harm.
• Clarify that “fair doesn’t mean equal". Fairness is about meeting each child’s unique brain and nervous system needs.
• Explain the "why" behind different rules, responses, or accommodations to create predictability and security.
• Build protective factors for siblings, including consistent one-on-one time with a regulated parent or other trusted adult.
• Create clear safety plans so siblings know exactly what to do during escalations and do not feel responsible for managing the situation.
• Provide open space for siblings to express the full range of their emotions without minimizing or shaming them.
• Avoid creating a culture of secrecy, meaning help siblings develop language and a plan for how to talk about their family experience with others.
• Prioritize your own resilience and nervous system care, as your regulation is one of the most powerful supports for everyone in the home.

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 19: Building Resilience in Moments a Day

Concrete, manageable ways to strengthen your own nervous system and resilience over time.

Blog Post on “Circling Back”

Explanation of the circling back process and why addressing behaviors outside of escalated moments supports learning and safety.

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If you appreciated this episode, and would like to receive a weekly note from Eileen about the Brain First Parenting journey every Monday, you can subscribe to her free newsletter HERE!

You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com

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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen explores the sibling experience in families where one child struggles with intense, challenging behaviors. Siblings are not passive observers. Their nervous systems are deeply impacted by the unpredictability, confusion, trauma, grief, and conflicting emotions that can arise in these dynamics. This conversation offers clarity around what siblings may be carrying, and sets the stage for Part 2, where we’ll discuss practical steps parents can take to support them.

TAKEAWAYS:

• The sibling experience often mirrors the parents’ experience. The way we frame and respond to the struggling child shapes how siblings make sense of it all.
• Supporting siblings requires a “both/and” approach: we can hold empathy for the child with behavioral symptoms without dismissing the sibling’s pain or experience.
• Many siblings live with a pervasive sense of confusion, especially when behavior is not addressed in the moment or feels like a double standard.
• Many siblings carry intense, conflicting emotions: love, resentment, guilt, protectiveness, and grief.
• Some siblings cope by trying not to be a burden, becoming perfectionistic, overly independent, or parentified over time.
• Living with scary or unpredictable behaviors can be traumatic, and recovery depends on protective factors that parents can strengthen.
• Clarity is the first step toward meaningful support and Part 2 will focus on practical actions parents can take.

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 22: Parental Grief (Recommended to revisit through the lens of the sibling experience, as many of the same themes apply)

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You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com

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SUMMARY - Many parenting struggles with neurodivergent kids don’t come down to behavior, they come from a clash between deeply held parental values and a child’s brain-based capacities. In this episode, Eileen explores what happens when beliefs about “good parenting” collide with asynchronous development, emotional regulation challenges, and inconsistent cognitive skills. You’ll learn why pushing harder often backfires and how shifting from a behavior lens to a Brain First lens allows your parental values to actually take root.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Parenting frustration often lives at the intersection of adult values and a child’s neurobiology, not a lack of effort or care.
• Chronological age does not equal ability for kids with brain-based differences; uneven skill development changes what’s reasonable to expect.
• You don’t need to abandon your parental values, you need to adjust how you teach them so they align with your child’s cognitive skills.
• You cannot consequence a skill into existence; responsibility develops through repeated teaching, regulation, and scaffolding.
• Flexibility in rules and expectations is not permissive parenting, it’s responsive parenting that reduces power struggles and supports growth.

RESOURCES:

Your Lens Matters – Free downloadable infographic

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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen sits down with Amy Lang, sexuality educator and expert, for a frank and open conversation about sex education for kids who are neurodivergent. Amy is the founder of Bird & Bees & Kids, and since 2006 has helped thousands of families have stronger, more open communication about sexuality and relationships.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Talking to kids about sexuality is a health and safety issue; knowledge is empowering and reduces vulnerability.
• This is an essential on-going conversation to have with your kids, especially given the access kids have to misinformation from friends and online.
• Having conversations about sexuality and changing bodies early and often helps normalize very natural part of the human experience, especially given that these changes can be extremely distressing to neurodivergent kids.
• All parents come into parenthood with deeply held beliefs and values that play into their level of comfort with sexuality and talking about this with their kids. Reflecting on this as a parent will help with confidence in moving forward with these conversations.

RESOURCES:

• Birds & Bees & Kids
• Sexuality and Safety with Tom and Ellie Book Series
• Never Have I Ever (TV series)

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If you appreciated this episode, and would like to receive a weekly note from Eileen about the Brain First Parenting journey every Monday, you can subscribe to her free newsletter HERE!

You can also check out all the FREE resources Eileen offers for parents, and learn more about all things Brain First at her website: eileendevine.com

And of course, find and follow Eileen on social media:

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