SUMMARY - Some kids can appear incredibly capable in many areas of their lives while still experiencing significant lagging cognitive skills that are largely invisible to those around them. In this episode, we explore why these kids are especially vulnerable to being misunderstood through a behavioral lens and why recognizing their asynchronous development is essential to understanding the support and accommodations they truly need.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Why kids whose brain-based differences are less visible can be especially vulnerable to being misunderstood and punished for their disability rather than accommodated.
• How a child’s strengths and capabilities in one area can lead us to overestimate their abilities in other areas.
• Why asynchronous development is such an important part of understanding kids with brain-based differences.
• How lagging executive functioning skills can look like defiance, lack of motivation, or a refusal to try—even when accommodations are already in place.
• Why a child who has age-expected speech and language can sound like they understand a situation while still struggling significantly to understand context, nuance, and what’s happening around them.
• How lagging relational cognitive skills can lead kids to be labeled as selfish, “too much,” or self-sabotaging in their relationships.
• Why understanding your child’s neurobiological profile can help you advocate with greater confidence for the support and accommodations they need.

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 15 — A deeper discussion of kids who can “talk the talk” but struggle to “walk the walk,” including the gap between how capable they sound and what they actually understand.

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 40 — An episode focused on relational cognitive skills and how lagging skills in this area affect a child’s ability to navigate relationships and social interactions.

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SUMMARY - In this episode, Dr. Emily King joins me to discuss her new book, The Neurodivergent Learner, with a special focus on school anxiety—for both neurodivergent children and their parents. We explore the behaviors that can signal anxiety, including the ones that are hard to miss and those that are much easier to overlook, and why behavior is often a sign that a child needs more support. We also talk about the very real anxiety parents experience when school is a source of ongoing stress, and how shifting expectations to reflect a child's unique developmental trajectory can help both children and parents.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Looking at a child through the lens of neurodiversity means beginning with the understanding that the child is not the problem.
• School anxiety can show up in behaviors that are “hard to miss” as well as behaviors that are “easy to miss.”
• Children who appear to be doing well at school aren't necessarily doing well. People-pleasing, perfectionism, and holding it together can all be ways a child manages significant anxiety.
• School-related anxiety can begin long before a child enters the classroom and can be connected to leaving home, transitions, the sensory environment, expectations, and the many demands of the school day.
• Instead of viewing difficult behavior as the problem to solve, we can see it as information—a sign that the child may need more support.
• Parents can experience significant anxiety alongside their child: waiting for the call from school, wondering how the day is going, or even waiting for the other shoe to drop when things seem to be going well.
• Parents need support that matches the intensity of their child's needs. Supporting the child without attending to the parent's experience leaves out an important part of the picture.
• Chronological age isn't always a useful guide for expectations. Understanding a child's unique developmental trajectory helps parents and educators check assumptions and adjust expectations accordingly.

RESOUCES:

The Neurodivergent Learner — Dr. Emily King

Written for both parents and educators, Dr. King's book helps adults better understand neurodivergent learners and gives parents tools for communicating more effectively with their child's teachers. Chapter 8 focuses specifically on school anxiety and the experiences of both children and their parents.

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SUMMARY - When your child appears unmotivated, it's easy to assume they don't care or simply aren't trying. But motivation is a brain-based process that depends on a number of cognitive skills and nervous system capacities that may still be developing. In this episode, I explain why motivation is often misunderstood in children with brain-based differences and how viewing it through a Brain First lens can transform the way you support your child.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Why motivation is a brain-based process, not simply a matter of willpower or attitude.
• How challenges with regulation and stress recovery can make motivation difficult to access.
• Why cognitive processing, mental stamina, and executive functioning all play a critical role in motivation.
• How task initiation, especially for non-preferred activities, is often misunderstood as laziness or defiance.
• Why children may genuinely want something but still struggle to take the steps needed to achieve it.
• How a fragile nervous system and a narrow window of tolerance contribute to shutdown, avoidance, and withdrawal.
• Why rewards, consequences, threats, and shame often fail to increase motivation in children with brain-based differences.
• How understanding the cognitive skills behind motivation can reduce frustration, strengthen connection, and guide more effective support.

RESOURCES:

Related Episodes: This episode connects with many earlier episodes that explore individual cognitive skills in greater depth. If this topic resonates with you, Episodes 5 and 28 are excellent places to continue learning.

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SUMMARY - Why does your child seem unable to understand your perspective, even when it feels obvious? In this episode, Eileen explores the brain-based cognitive skill of perspective taking, why it can be especially challenging for children with neurobehavioral differences, and how understanding this lagging skill can shift parents from viewing their child as selfish or inconsiderate to recognizing a brain that is working differently. You'll also learn practical ways to support and strengthen perspective-taking skills while maintaining connection and compassion.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Perspective taking is a cognitive skill, not a character trait.
• Children with brain-based differences may have difficulty shifting from their own perspective to someone else's, especially when stressed or dysregulated.
• Perspective taking relies on multiple brain systems, including those involved in Theory of Mind, executive functioning, and inhibitory control.
• Struggling to understand another person's perspective does not mean a child simply doesn't care.
• Stress and nervous system dysregulation make perspective taking even more difficult because the brain naturally narrows its focus to immediate needs.
• There are steps parents can take to support the development of perspective taking.
• Viewing perspective-taking through a Brain First lens helps replace judgment with understanding, creating opportunities to teach and build the skill over time.

RESOURCES:

Episode 3: Cognitive Flexibility

Episode 5: On and Off Days

Episode 32: Working Memory

Episode 40: Relational Cognitive Skills

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SUMMARY - In today's episode, Eileen sits down with Mary McDirmid, a Special Needs Financial Planner and founding member of All Needs Planning, which specializes in simplifying the special needs planning process. Mary understands the emotional, financial, legal, and support aspects of caring for a loved one with disabilities, because she is the parent of a child with a rare disease. Her work is centered on bringing this understanding to other families who would benefit from this information as they plan for their child's future.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Beginning the process of planning for your child's financial future as early as possible is ideal, but the key factor is having the capacity to take on some of the tasks and work it will require.
• Aligning the financial plans with school and educational transition plans is also ideal.
• Determining guardianship, supported decision making and power of attorney needs is an individual process, based on each family's situation and their child's needs.
• Different states have different requirements regarding social security eligibility; knowing your state's requirements is essential.
• It's important for parents to take inventory of all the support needs of their child before they apply for benefits so they can be clear about what level of support their child will need in adulthood.
• ABLE Accounts allow you to keep funds that come to your child while also staying under the $2000 limit required to keep governmental benefits.
• Supplemental Special Needs Trust is where a parent can save and invest additional funds for their child beyond the ABLE account.

RESOURCES:

Mary McDirmid and All Needs Planning

ABLE Account Information

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SUMMARY - Many parents of neurodivergent tweens and teens describe a shift that feels difficult to explain: things were already challenging, but suddenly the stakes feel higher, the behaviors feel bigger, and the future feels much more uncertain. In this episode, I introduce what I call the Tween/Teen Expectation Gap—the widening gap between age-based expectations and a child's developmental trajectory—and explore why this period can feel so disorienting, grief-filled, and overwhelming for parents.

TAKEAWAYS:

• The tween and teen years often bring a significant increase in societal, academic, social, and emotional expectations.
• Neurodivergent children continue to develop and mature, but often on a different timeline and trajectory than their peers.
• The Tween/Teen Expectation Gap emerges when age-based expectations begin to outpace a child's ability to consistently meet them.
• Differences that may have been easier to accommodate in childhood often become more visible and consequential during adolescence.
• Parents frequently experience increased fear, grief, dread, shame, and uncertainty during this stage.
• Intensifying behaviors are often a reflection of increased stress, overwhelm, and nervous system dysregulation.
• Viewing this period through a Brain First lens helps parents understand what is happening beneath the behavior and respond more effectively.

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting™ Framework

Parent Coaching with Eileen Devine

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SUMMARY - Why do the same power struggles keep happening over and over again between parents and children? In this episode, Eileen explores the “coercive cycle,” a pattern first identified by researcher Gerald Patterson and his colleagues after decades of observing parent-child interactions. Through a Brain First lens, she explains why these escalating moments are often rooted not in defiance, but in lagging skills, nervous system dysregulation, and patterns both parents and children can unintentionally get stuck inside.

TAKEAWAYS:

• What the parent-child “coercive cycle” is and how it develops
• Why escalation often reinforces the cycle for both parents and children
• How traditional behavioral interpretations can keep families stuck
• The role nervous system dysregulation and lagging skills play in conflict
• Why “won’t” is often actually “can’t”
• How parent triggers, beliefs, exhaustion, and burnout can intensify interactions
• Questions to ask yourself before engaging with your child
• Why using fewer words and disengaging early can help interrupt escalation
• How a Brain First lens shifts the goal from control to regulation and connection

RESOURCES:

The Resilience Room Membership Community

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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen shares 8 essential mind shifts that help parents move from a behavioral lens to a Brain First lens when parenting children with brain-based differences and challenging behaviors. These shifts can help you better understand your child’s nervous system, reduce conflict, strengthen connection, and parent with more clarity, flexibility, and confidence.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Why “My child would do better if they could” is one of the most transformative parenting shifts
• How challenging behaviors are often signs of distress, overwhelm, and lagging skills
• Why behavior-focused parenting approaches often miss the root causes
• How adjusting expectations around development can reduce frustration for both you and your child
• The importance of meeting cognitive rigidity with flexibility and empathy
• Why the goal of parenting is not compliance, but connection, regulation, and skill-building
• How to trust your own understanding of your child, even when others don’t understand your approach
• Why caring for yourself is an essential part of supporting your child’s well-being

RESOURCES:

Free downloadable infographic: 8 Essential Mind Shifts for More Connected Parenting

Episode 19: Rethinking What It Means to Be Resilient

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SUMMARY - In this episode, Eileen reflects on a common theme that comes up again and again in sessions with parents: the belief that “I’m failing” or “I should be better at this by now.” When you’re parenting a child with intense, relentless behaviors, it’s easy for self-blame to take hold, but these thoughts often point to something deeper. This episode explores what may be underneath this narrative and how to shift toward more compassionate, supportive self-reflection.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Feeling like you’re “failing” is a common experience for parents of children with brain-based differences and intense behaviors
• These thoughts are often signals of deeper emotion, not objective truth
• Irritability and reactivity can be protective layers masking fear, grief, and resentment
• Fear may show up as worries about your child’s future or long-term functioning
• Grief can stem from the gap between what you expected parenting to be and your lived reality
• Resentment may be connected to the intensity of the demands and lack of adequate support
• Self-reflection is important, but it needs to be paired with self-compassion, not harsh criticism
• Your willingness to question yourself reflects how deeply you care, not that you are failing

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting Podcast Episode 22: The Unique Grief Affecting Parents of Neurodivergent Kids

Brain First Parenting Podcast Episode 29: When You Feel Stretched Thin: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance

Blog post: Three Things Your Irritability Might Be Masking

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SUMMARY - In this episode, we explore relational cognitive skills, the brain-based abilities that shape how children navigate relationships, manage emotions, and respond to others. When these skills are still developing, behaviors can feel deeply personal and even hurtful. This episode offers a powerful reframe: your child’s behavior is not a reflection of their character, but a signal of lagging skills that can be supported and strengthened over time.

TAKEAWAYS:

• Many of the most challenging behaviors are rooted in lagging relational cognitive skills, not defiance or disrespect
• Skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, perspective-taking, and emotional regulation are brain-based and develop over time
• When these skills are underdeveloped, behaviors can feel personal, hurtful, and scary for parents
• Social awareness and interpersonal skills impact a child’s ability to read cues, understand others, and build relationships
• Cognitive rigidity can make it extremely difficult for kids to shift plans, handle “no,” or consider other perspectives
• Emotional outbursts often reflect difficulty regulating, expressing, and responding to emotions, not intentional misbehavior
• Under stress, a child’s thinking brain can go offline, making these skills temporarily inaccessible
• Shifting from a “won’t” mindset to a “can’t yet” lens can transform how you respond to your child
• Skills can be supported and strengthened over time with the right understanding and approach

RESOURCES:

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 3: Help Your Rigid Thinking Child Become More Flexible

Brain First Parenting Podcast, Episode 8: Help Your Child Break the Perseveration Loop

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