BREATHE N BOUNCE

 I just got back from Civana again and although it was very needed and necessary, the day I returned I was broken.  I went there to try to put some things together and I thought I was leaving there in a good place.  Turns out that wasn't the case as I fell apart a day later.  So I talk about that along with many things on my mind.  It is FUCKING HEAVY.  Fair warning.

HIGHLIGHTS

So then, when I came back, some things happened with my business, and it was pretty messy. It was pretty fucked up. We made some huge mistakes as a company, and I'm saying we, because the buck starts with me. If any of the people working for me make a mistake, I have to own that. I have to own that for whatever reason. Maybe they were not prepared, maybe they are not committed, and I didn't see it. Maybe whatever, but we had a lot of shit go down, and we had our busiest for my company, Huntley Hills. We had our busiest day ever. We actually had 39 orders, and unfortunately, I was not able to handle it all, because we had situations that happened beyond our control.

I wanted to help men become more sure of themselves, and I met a dude at Savannah, his name's Anton, who does that kind of work, and I talked to him a little bit after the class we took, which was my last class there, which was a very invigorating class, because it made me believe the person I want to be, and not even, I didn't even leave the state yet, and I was already feeling kind of shitty,

when you are an abusive man, and then you fucking have the aftermath of it, and this is if you are someone that does have a heart and does feel compassion and is contrite, it isn't easy to walk through life and say that you are a good person when you think about the things you've done, and then you have people telling you, well, you are a good person, but it's like you don't know me, you really don't know who I am, and you don't know my history, and you don't know my whole story, and I feel like if I do tell you my story, you're gonna run away from me,

 I talk about my experience about being a juror today.  In 50 years they finally got me, those bastards.  However, I find a way like I always do to bring it back to mental health, stability ,mindfulness, and all those things we talk about on this show. It's a fun listen to me ranting about the jury shit.  However, I talk about what kept me going through that as well as what keeps me going in life.

 As I turned 50 this week, I take a look back at my life as whole.  The good and the bad and examine where do I go next.  Where can we all find common ground with the person we were and the person we are now.  Finding those good parts we had, and merging them with the person we are now.  Letting go of things that don't serve us.  This is my battle.  This is my aim.  I want to be the best I can be, every day.  So come on and do it with me stoner!!!!!

People like to say high school is the best time of your life.  Well first I would say tell that to the Yellowjackets.  Secondly, mine sucked.  So I will talk about it in great detail here.  And if you are a high school graduate, you might want to check this shit out.  I promise you will be able to relate and walk away with strong feelings.  

May is always hard for me, and it has been hitting me hard.  People I love don't receive me the way I want them to because of my actions in the past.  I acknowledge it and I talk about the complicated relationship I have had with people, especially women.  It 's because of my insecure and anger and I have to deal with it so I talk about that along with other stuff that's heavy.

 I was going to talk about something else.  Something important.  However, I was very tired and it made me think about how tired people are all the time.  So I thought I would focus on that.  Why don't we sleep? And why is it when we try we still don't? These questions and more in this episode.

 When we get angry, in that moment we are not aware of the damage we are causing when we let it consume us.  I have paid many times for my anger getting the best of me and as of late, I feel like I am slipping into the abyss of anger.  So it's up to me to do something about it.  I need to figure out what is the cause,and how I will handle it.  I can let my anger be a lighter not a blowtorch.  Rememeber stoners, we can only control what we can control.  Ourselves is the best and only place to go.

We all struggle but struggle looks different to everyone.  We all experience life differently through different lenses and shit like that.  However, we have to remember that things happen.  Life happens.  Not necessarly to us, but it's here.  Our problems are not alway permamnent and our joy isn't either.  Learnig to live with this knowledge may help.  No gurantees but not swinging is a guranteed strike.

 This was a very difficult episode for me to because I talk about many of the emotions and thoughts I ahve been fighting as of late and it sure hasn't been emerging.  I will once again talk about the terrible things I did to people I love and my hope for them to heal and trying my best to reconnect.  I am also trying to deal with my own internal anger that has been coming out lately and trying to find a way to let the monster sleep.

This is not a religious episode.  It is sort of an Easter episode since its an early release.  It is a call to everyone to do their best in life.  Rise to the occasion so to speak.  Rise like Jesus did when he was battered and bloodied as he carried the cross as we all carry crosses in this life.  So lets talk about how can we walk our walk with grace and fire, and find a way to win.