Brides of Frankenstein

It's summertime, and that means a trip to Camp Crystal Lake! This week the Brides break down the unintentionally hilarious, still pretty effective Friday the 13th. It's got everything Halloween's got...because it deliberately ripped off Halloween. Let's face it, this movie is real silly and is mainly a vehicle for gory kills, but it can't be overstated how important Friday the 13th is to the creation of the slasher genre. Along the way we fawn over Tom Savini's makeup effects, consider the horny properties of religious hymns, and debate the effectiveness of Mrs. Voorhees trying to slap Alice to death. Also, how great are Steve's jorts? SO GREAT.

Friday the 13th. 1980. Directed by Sean Cunningham.

"The trailer is what I wanted this movie to be." This week, the Brides head back to Texas for a recap of the most aggressively "meh" film in our podcast's short history: the 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is one of the most toothless, gutless, boring entries in the early 2000s American remake-a-palooza (this is the one that started it all, so....you're welcome?). It's even more aggravating because the original film is so wildly unsettling and transgressive, and there's nothing unsettling or transgressive about this thing. Along the way, the Brides discuss the two or three things that make this movie kind of palatable, namely OG TCM cinematographer Daniel Pearl's return and his GORGEOUS use of light - seriously, this movie looks spectacular. We also marvel at how long Eric Balfour played a teenager on film, Alysa shares her era-appropriate crush on Mike Vogel, and how every single person in this movie is definitely trying their hardest, but to what end? TO WHAT END?! If you want a 2003 movie with gross chainsaw content, definitely go for Alejandre Aja's Haute Tension instead of this slog. Also, we ponder the effectiveness of curing human meat like a nice prosciutto. 

And seriously, go watch the trailer for this movie. It's one of the best trailers ever made, which makes the actual film's soullessness all the more annoying.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 2003. Directed by Marcus Nispel. Written by Scott Kosar. Starring Jessica Biel, Mike Vogel, Eric Balfour, Erika Leerhsen, Jonathan Tucker, and R. Lee Ermey.

It's a beautiful day, the beaches are open, and everyone is having a wonderful time! This 4th of July weekend the Brides are headed to Amity for the third season premiere, talking about all things Jaws! This movie is the big bad granddaddy of summer blockbusters, in which every single thing that could go wrong on a film shoot, did so in catastrophic fashion. Seriously, who thought to build a mechanical shark without testing it in the ocean? Along the way we discuss how this movie is basically a Law and Order episode starring a shark, the places this movie walks so Jurassic Park could run, the agonizing realization that Mayor Vaughn handled the shark attacks like Trump handled COVID-19, and the joys of Richard Dreyfuss and his "short guy energy." We also acknowledge that despite the film one hundred percent being every bit as effective and fun as ever, there is one shot in particular that really doesn't hold up. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. AMITY MEANS FRIENDSHIP!

Jaws. 1975. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Written by Peter Benchley and Carl Gottlieb. Starring Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Shaw, Lorraine Gary, and Murray Hamilton. 

LET THE FESTIVITIES BEGIN! This week on our season 2 finale, the Brides head to Sweden, trip out on some shrooms, and try to ignore the very large bear in our gleeful recap of the haunting, thrilling, and extremely satisfying 2019 'folk horror' film, Midsommar. This might be the most fun movie ever made about a Swedish death cult. Ari Aster is one of the most exciting horror directors working today, but unlike his debut film Hereditary, Midsommar doesn't make you want crawl into a hole and die. Rather, its excruciating portrayal of relationship toxicity makes the ending all the more cathartic. We also chat about the stellar cinematography, how Christian is the worst, the genius of Aster giving away the entire movie in the first twenty minutes but convincing you he didn't, and how you should never mock local customs by literally peeing on their sacred trees (looking at you, Mark). Also, Alysa's trivia about the 'blood eagle' scene ruins Lindsay's weekend. Skål!

But seriously, is anyone going to talk about the bear? 

Note: This episode contains mention of suicide, emotional abuse, gaslighting, and toxic relationship dynamics. Take care of yourselves, friends! 

Midsommar. 2019. Directed and written by Ari Aster. Starring Florence Pugh, Jack Reynor, William Jackson Harper, Vilhelm Blomgren, and Will Poulter. 

Today, the Brides are one hundred percent going to make sense of James Wan's 2010 film, Insidious. We swear. By the end of the episode, we will understand why this haunted house story turns in the last 40 minutes into a story about astral projection??? With a ton of ghost mythos that never fully gets explained???? And Lin Shaye wearing a gas mask to channel ghosts during a seance?????? We don't even know, guys - this movie is straight up the most frustrating we've ever covered, and we did Children of the Corn this season! But all that said, what this movie does right, it does in stunningly spooky fashion, and it's a solid warmup for James Wan and writer Leigh Whannel's spectacular follow-up, The Conjuring (which we raved about last season!). We also discuss the perfection that is Patrick Wilson - even though his character is kind of a douche - and the fact that the demon with a red face looks way too much like Darth Maul to be truly effective. Also, this movie contains the biggest plot hole we've ever covered on the show. We're still mad.

Side note: take a shot every time Alysa compares something Insidious does, to something The Conjuring does better. You won't survive the episode.

Insidious. 2010. Directed by James Wan. Written by Leigh Whannel. Starring Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Lin Shaye, Barbara Hershey, and Ty Simpkins.

Oh boy. On this episode, the Brides are taking a trip into the woods and dodging a flesh-eating virus and lots of early 2000s humor as we try to make heads or tails of Eli Roth's 2002 gorefest Cabin Fever. This movie doesn't quite know what it's trying to be - a parody of horror movies, a grimdark tribute to the movies Roth clearly loves, or somewhere in between. All we know is, most of it doesn't really work, and when it pays homage to classic horror, it does so with arrows and bold font. There are definitely other, better movies directed by Eli Roth, with scripts that don't scream mid-90s meta - we recommend Hostel! But what Cabin Fever does well, it does in spectacularly chilling fashion, with excellent makeup effects and a few genuinely fun "EW" moments. Along the way we touch on the infamous leg shaving scene, and how our mutual childhood crush on Rider Strong completely colored our view of his character's total disregard for consent. Also, holy hell we forgot about that n-word joke! Additionally, Alysa shares her thoughts on the 2016 reboot of the same name, which is worth checking out if you want this exact same movie, but with the humor (and the racism) taken out.

NOTE: This episode contains discussion of a scene in which a sleeping woman is sexually stimulated without her consent. Take care, pals!

Cabin Fever. 2002. Directed and written by Eli Roth. Starring Rider Strong, Jordan Ladd, Cerina Vincent, Joey Kern, and James DiBello. 

We promised we'd be back in the realm of completely messed up and traumatizing films and we ALWAYS deliver! This week the Brides head to Barcelona and get stuck in the worst penthouse ever as we cover the 2007 found-footage masterpiece [•REC]! Found footage movies became almost a punch line in the mid-Aughts and 2010s, with the genre nearly over-saturating the market. But what makes [•REC] so different - and what makes its American remake, Quarantine, so disappointing in comparison - is its balls to the wall, take no prisoners commitment to scaring the every loving crap out of the viewer, with an ending that still makes us want to curl up in a ball and die. Fourteen years later, this movie has lost none of its ability to surprise and terrify. We round things out with a spirited chat about our love for the genre of found footage as a whole, and Alysa bemoans the fact that she had to rewatch this movie on Crackle - which meant a 75 minute movie was broken up by 500 commercials for Fortnite. The things we do for you, dear listeners. 

NOTE: The end of this episode contains mild spoilers through episode 2 of the Disney+ series The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Don't say you weren't told! 

[•REC]. 2007. Directed by Jaume Balaguero and Paco Plaza. Written by Jaume Balaguero, Paco Plaza, and Luis A. Berdejo. Starring Manuela Velasco, Pablo Rosso, Ferrán Terraza, and Javier Botet.

For the first time in Brides of Frankenstein history, the Brides are in disagreement about a film! Today we are taking a drop-ship to LV-426 (aka Acheron) to discuss James Cameron's 1986 beefed-up sequel to Alien, creatively titled Aliens. Let's be real: this is not a horror movie, and if you're looking for a direct continuation of the tone explored in Ridley Scott's OG masterwork, you won't get that until (ugh) Prometheus and (UGH) Alien: Covenant. But is this movie a crazy fun romp on its own terms? The Brides might not think so! We also debate the trajectory of James Cameron's portrayal of 'strong women' and how that may or may not just be a reflection of 1980s masculinity, instead of an actual feminist portrayal. Along the way, we do agree on some things - Sigourney Weaver continues to rule, there is no such thing as a 'nice' corporate stooge, and Bill Paxton is in an entirely different film. 

Also, a moment of silence for the amount of self tanner they put on Janette Goldstein to make her look Latinx. WOOF. 

Aliens. 1986. Written and directed by James Cameron. Starring Sigourney Weaver, Paul Reiser, Michael Biehn, Bill Paxton, Janette Goldstein, and Lance Henriksen.

Finally, a movie that makes sense! This week, the Brides pull up to the Bates Motel for a spirited discussion on Alfred Hitchcock's seminal thriller, Psycho. We rave about the spotless editing, Anthony Perkins' legendary performance, the straight up hot opening scene, and obviously beautiful and iconic score by Bernard Hermann. I We also debate if viewing this movie through a 2021 lens makes Norman Bates look like a total creep even before the final twist, and the sheer pointlessness of the 1998 Gus van Sant remake. Honestly, this movie is a masterpiece, and if you haven't seen it yet, what are you even doing here? 

Psycho. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Based on Psycho by Robert Bloch. Written by Joseph Stefano. Starring Janet Leigh, Anthony Perkins, Vera Miles, John Garvin, and Martin Balsam.

This week, the Brides are back in Derry and recapping the crushing disappointment that is It: Chapter Two! Man. This is one of the most woefully messy films we'll ever cover on the show, specifically because everything that does work gets swallowed up by over-zealous directing, a script stuffed full of bloat, and characters that didn't need to be here (seriously, why is Henry Bowers in this movie?!). Along the way, we cover the absolute pointlessness of the opening violence, the sheer majesty of Bill Hader and Jessica Chastain, and the Uncanny Valley effects used to de-age the younger Losers. Also - seriously, Mike? Stealing from Indigenous people? Come on. 

Quick side note: Alysa has no idea how to work her new microphone. Apologies if your ears bleed.

Side note, THE SECOND: No palate cleansers this week because this episode is already 100 minutes long and we didn't want to do that to you, but safe to say, Lindsay is still into Magnus Archives and Alysa is still rewatching spicy scenes from Bridgerton.