Building a Better Dave

Today at my church they are having a children's program. There is only one problem. We only have one child, and "Child's Program" doesn't roll off the tongue.

Why would you have a children's program when you only have one? The only reason I can come to is that we've always done it that way.

The church I go to came from a split church. It was awesome. We had probably 30 people in the choir. The music was awesome. The culture was awesome. That was probably close to 20 years ago. There is only one problem.

The church has not changed at all. Not one single bit. If you had a bulletin from 1998 and compared it to today's the only thing that changes is the pastor.

When the choir got smaller due to this thing called Natural Causes that keeps making the congregation smaller, the director decided we would sing Handel's Messiah. This is a very hard piece of music to sing. Looking back, we shouldn't have done it. We didn't have the people. We didn't have the talent. Typically people in a choir can sing. They can actually sing different parts. Over the years, this has become less and less the case. Last week I sang next to a lovely older man who didn't want the music. He just wanted the words.

As I was the sound person at the time, I told them how I could feed a little bit of the demo singers into the monitor to keep us on track. I never thought we would perform this way. Flash forward 15 years and now the voices are so loud, for me its embarrassing. I didn't even really practice my parts this year because there was no point? I could actually sit there and mouth the words.

Also when you can't stand for the 45 minutes performance because of your age. Maybe it's time to retire. We have probably 10 people made up of 9 women and me. I hate to knock the other two gentlemen in the bass section, but they just sing the melody This is a choir.

So why would you have a choir when you don't have people who can sing or perform? We've always had a Christmas and Easter cantata.

I go to this church because my Aunt goes there. Many of the people who go there watch me grow up. The average age is probably 70. The pastor is a very nice man who types out his sermons and reads them to us. How do I know this? Because the one Sunday he left one of his pages back at the soundboard and had to walk back and get it.

Nurses make bad patients. Teachers make bad students. Presenters make horrible audience members apparently because I can't take the fact that he has a wireless microphone but stands in one spot. Well except when he does the children's story and the one child comes up. Why? Because we've always had a children's story.

There is a song by King's X off the Gretch Goes to Nebraska album called Mission and it has been in my head lately. The chorus is

Who are these people behind the stained glass windows have they forgotten just what they came here for? Was it salvation or "scared of hell" or an assembly of a social get-together what's the mission of the preacher man?

I used to go to a local Mega-church that really fed me spiritually. Although I notice they do "series" of sermons. They've done one on dedication to the church. They will do one on marriage. They'll do another one on money. They seem to repeat. To this I say to myself the bible doesn't change, it's always going to be the same thing.

The bad news is I don't know anybody there. I've signed up for their small groups but never been contacted. It feeds me spiritually, but as someone who works from home and at times goes days without actually speaking words to another person, the little church is filled with people who know me.

The other problem I have with the little church is they are constantly doing events that mean you have to pay for something. Ninety-nine percent of the time this involves food or something that leads you to think, "Can I just give you the money?" Then I saw the budget and how this money is spent. I'll just say I don't agree with the leadership of the church. I think that is the one that sticks in my side. After all, isn't it always about money in the end?

When I was a pastor in training I suggested that the pastor be paid a percentage of the profit. That way if the church didn't grow (meaning I failed) I wouldn't get paid. That idea went over like a lead balloon, and apparently, instead everyone got raises.

The biggest problem is the true head of the church is a woman who is almost like a second Mom for me. She was the head of the BYF when I was in it. We've had a lot of fun times. She is the "choir" director. She is the music leader. This really causes issues with my brain.

This church also attracts people who if they don't take their meds will drop F bombs in church. I wish I was making this up. As you can't control them, this is an issue. Speaking of control, the ONE child we have OFTEN will crawl on her hands and knees all over the sanctuary IN THE SERVICE. Their parental figure says nothing. This drives me nuts.

So If I were to summarize: The pastor is a nice guy, but a boring presenter The leadership of the church is not forward thinking and can't make hard choices The choir is lip syncing and feels their audience is dumb enough not to notice The future of the church seems questionable as there are no children The budget of the church has not shrunk with attendance The music we sing is not true praise music

So why do I attend? Because I always have, except today. Screw the children's program

I had a great time in Australia. I really miss those people

I was asked to speak in Australia. This is one event that I had to pick up the ticket, and it was worth every penny.

I had to give up control

I got to do new things I have never done

I got to stand up for myself

So many things in Australia can kill you, just like America...

My first time I ran into someone speaking in Tounges I was working as a Janitor for the church I was attending. It freaked me out.

I thought the guy was having a seizure.

I started attending a different church, and they made it sound like I didn't have the holy spirit and I needed to have someone "lay hands" on me.

I was told growing up you do not have someone speak in tounges unless there was someone to interpret, so I wasn't sure to believe.

On the other hand, if I didn't have the holy spirit, I wanted it. So I decided to have someone lay their hands on me...

• The 1.3 Megapixel Digital Camera
• Which phone the one with the answering machine or the cordless?
• The 14" Computer monitor
• The drawer full of dark socks
• Finishing the job or eating cereal
• How I feel when the office is clean

Check out www.todoist.com

People are paying $80/hr to cuddle. What? You heard me. I did a google search and there are multiple companies. So I thought, "Well is that what the kids are calling sex today?"

One person on the "How to Cuddle" page stated, "If you feel sexual desires coming on, communicate them as soon as possible and probably stop cuddling."

What does the training manual for a cuddle buddy look like?

I love that one site states, " No intentional genital stimulation of any kind." (but unintentional is allowed...")

I'm picturing the High School Guidance Counselor looking at a student with straight Ds.

Counselor: "Well Billy, I've looked at your grade."

Billy: "My family says I should apply to clown college."

Counselor: "I've got something different and it pays $40/hr.

Full show notes and videos at http://betterdave.com/182

Today I talk about an interaction with Frederick Michael Plant which goes from zero fo FU in a very quick time

Marriage at First Sight - Horrible television that I could not stop watching

This one woman feels the word "husband" has magical powers and even though she just met her husband they are "soulmates." This could be a good show to watch with your significant other.

See https://youtu.be/soZf8jhcmus

Today it's 5 AM again, and I can't sleep. I'm slowly starting to work on my speech as on July 24th, 2018 I am being inducted into the Academy of Podcasters Hall of Fame.

It's really an honor and its humbling. Person and person have been leaving a message saying how it was, "Overdue," and "Well Deserved." They thank me for all the hard work. Hard work?

Somewhere I got a gene where I just love to help people. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy, so it really wasn't hard work

I got to be creative.

I got to play with technology

I got to help people.

This wasn't hard work at all.

Thanks for listening

I had an epiphany and I'm not sure if I dreamed this, I don't know where it came from. I looked at the previous Mrs. Jacksons (since I have a matching set now) and I noticed that both of them were someone in a situation where I'm going to call it "Damsel in distress." When I met them, I saw them as a damsel in distress that I could come in on my white horse and save.

I was sitting in my bed and I wanted to think about how many women I had ever said the phrase, "I love you" to. I think this is spurred on this idea. Recently I've gone to two conferences in the past month and I'm starting to notice, where I thought my heart was just dead - for lack of a better phrase) I have met a few females that I would like to get to know you better. The bad news is they all live hundreds if not thousands of miles away and in some cases, are young enough to be my daughter, which makes me feel creepy.

Let's start off with the very first person I said I love you to. I was 16 years old, does that really count? Well, yeah, it did at the time. And I thought of the very first time I found myself attracted to this person. My very first memory is she was a flag girl. What else do you have to say? She was a flag girl in the marching band and I gave her a ride home after a football game because she was wasted. I remember her passing out. We'll kind of in her head hitting the passenger side window. And I thought, oh my God, she's going to break the window. But what is that? You guessed it.

Damsel in distress.

The second girl was a very, very brief dating period, but very intense. And you'll notice a pattern here. She was dating somebody who lived far away. It was a long-distance relationship. Which is hilarious when you're all of 16, 17 and I was the friend that she talked to deal with the fact that her boyfriend was far, far away. Yeah, you guessed it. Damsel in distress.

The third one I was a late teen now and we worked together. Again, I am the friend that she talks about her boyfriend who lives far, far away.

Damsel in distress

Number four turned into ex-wife number one who I would like to interview. I think it would be interesting 20 years out now too, to talk about our area of life. Let's just kick back and, and what do you think of if you were to describe Dave Jackson? That's the key. I think these people at one point did know me at one point. Anyway, when I first met her, she had a horrible living situation. Her mom was dating gigantic losers. And she lived in the hood:

Damsel in distress.

Damsel number five was the nurse (if you're a regular listener to the show you've met her as she became wife #2). When I met the nurse, she explained to me how she had been dating a guy who had cheated on her seven times.

Damsel in distress.

But when I look back at these women that I said, "I love you" to, I was like, oh my God, they were all damsels in distress. And that's amazing to me, and that's why I'm podcasting in fie in the morning as I can't sleep.

So if you looked up the word Gullible it says, "easily persuaded to believe something; credulous." So I looked up credulous and it said, "having or showing too great a readiness to believe things."

I had an interesting conversation today and we were talking about these places that appear to prey on the Gullible. You know the drill.

You get dragged to a meeting where you hear a pitch.

Everyone can benefit from the product. It's super easy to join. It's even free.

You are encouraged to bring your friends.

If you want to become a member there are fees based on your level of dedication.

There are weekly meetings to attend and in some cases twice a week.

There are brainstorming session on how you can get the word out there and raise more money for the company.

If you are active enough and demonstrate dedication, you may get an advisory board.

Some people show up and swear the product works, while others don't attend weekly meetings and don't seem to be getting any results

Some people think the whole thing is a scam. The people pushing the product are just a bunch of snake oil salesmen trying to brainwash people

What company do you think I'm talking about?

So I'm watching Jerry's Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee on Netflix. It's amusing. He gets these obscure cars and picks up celebrities and talks with them over coffee. He gets paid a lot of money for this. They aren't earth shattering interviews, but the show is cool. I was watching trying to figure out what it was that made this show cool. Then it came to me.

There was jazz music in the background. Now watching a toothless waitress in some strange dinner is cool. Look! it's coffee in slow motion put to jazz! I've never seen coffee poured like this. It's like seeing coffee for the first time. Holy Cow.

Now when Jerry pulls up in a 1972 VW Van with rust to pick up Kramer, it's cool.

Then I thought about the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Here is this boy face male pattern baldness at a very early age, being bullied by his friends, and disrespected by his dog. There isn't much of a story, then get him involved with a bizarre play that also has no story. Then Linus just takes control and start blurting out random scripture like a long lost Osteen and the Christmas Special comes to an end. Why do we watch every year? Becuase it's got one of the coolest soundtracks ever. Filled with some really cool jazz. I don't even like jazz.

It makes anything cool. I recently started using Advocare products (which have boosted my weight loss efforts) and while they have great products let's not kid ourselves they are a multilevel marketing business. It's Amway for fat people. So I signed up so I can discount on the products and I'm reading some really boring stuff.

Now lately I'm stuck. I keep throwing out my back, and that makes it hard to exercise. I'm losing weight (down 3 lbs in the last 30 days) but I keep throwing out my back from sneezing. Then when my back is out, it's hard to exercise. The lack of exercises makes me less healthy, which leaves me open to getting sick, which leads to me sneezing more. You see where this is headed. You know what makes exercising in your living room better? You guessed it.

Mentioned in This Episode

Advocare