Capes On the Couch - Where Comics Get Counseling

We travel back to the Old West to examine JONAH HEX! Is this scarred gunslinger really as fearsome as he looks? Listen in to find out!

Issue 174 - Jonah Hex

• Intro
  • PuchiCon appearance May 14th

• Background (4:50)
  • Jonah Hex created by John Albano and Tony DeZuinga in All-Star Western #10 (Feb-Mar 1972)
  • Jonah Hex is born in 1838 to an alcoholic father who sold him at age 13 to Apaches as a slave
  • He is betrayed by his adopted brother in the tribe and left to die - years later when he returns to the tribe, he reveals the betrayal - he is forced to battle his brother and kills him, and in response the chieftain scarred his face with a heated tomahawk and exiled him once again
  • He then went off to serve as a bounty hunter
  • Most of his stories stay in his own time period, but he has been brought forward in time a few times
  • Lords of Time compile a team to battle the Justice League & Justice Society, including Jonah
  • He was also incorporated into Crisis on Infinite Earths
  • At one point, he gets kidnapped and brought to post-apocalyptic 21st century Seattle to fight for the man who kidnapped him, but he escaped and continued to rove the country looking for a way to return home
  • Had several relationships with various women, including at least two marriages - the first one to Mei Ling ended when she became pregnant and ran off with the child, Jason, who wasn't in Jonah's life until he was an adult
  • Second marriage was to a Native American woman named Tall Bird, later in his life - after he was killed by a man who survived a bounty hit, his corpse was sold and put on display several times until Tall Bird acquired it and gave him a proper burial

• Issues - Theme is walking to the beat of your own broken drum (8:20)
  • Abused by alcoholic father
  • Betrayed by adopted brother in tribe (13:10)
  • Didn't really know Jason until he was an adult, and then Jonah wanted nothing to do with him (23:04)

• Break (30:50)
  • Plugs for Scotch n Sports, Play Comics, and Cullen Bunn

• Treatment (32:26)
  • In-universe - Pretend to be captured and take the opportunity to speak with him
  • Out of universe -

• Skit (40:06)
  • Hello Jonah, I'm Dr. Issues. - Doc.
  • I understand this can all be a bit overwhelming, so please feel free to say as much or as little as you need. - Yer right, s'a lot to take in, but I've been in bigger scrapes n' this, I can get by.
  • If you don't mind my asking, how did you end up in this time anyway? - Truth told, I can't recall. I'd just got done beatin' the hell outta some horse's ass come to town to cause trouble, went to a saloon to drink away the pain. Musta passed out, an' when I woke up I was in a field. Took a walk to ask someone what happened, an' come to find out I was in the future. Lucky for us, ain't the first time I been in this now, but I ain't never been in this HERE in this now. Best I can figure, someone either wants me here to fix somethin', or they DON'T want me where I was so they can ruin it. Either way, I aim to find out what it is an' go back home.
  • That's… an incredible story. - Pfft, Doc, if'n you knew half o' the things I seen an' done, you'd turn whiter n' a preacher's collar. An' for you that'd be quite a feat.
  • How vivid…*shudder* That's not something I think I can help you with. Any hints about what you're men to do? -Nope. Usually if it's important whoever needs to get to me does it quick. These time folks ain't about wastin' it.
  • But what about wasting yours? -Whaddaya mean?
  • I mean, your time is as valuable to you as mine is to me. All of this jumping around and fighting for…for what? - I don't get too attached to that.
  • But do you have…um…fun? Relaxation? -*laughs* Fun? Man, you ever get yer jaw rattled before, right on the scar that can't bleed but still hurts like hell?
  • I've been punched, yeah, but not…where are you going with this? - I'm sayin' that folks in my line of work don't get cushy jobs, ain't no vacation. If I get a night, or a woman…well, as you folks say work hard, play harder.
  • Still quite the visualist. Um…how about lasting relationships? -I've had boots that can last me a lifetime. That's about it.
  • Family? -*pauses* Next question
  • But -*interrupts* NEXT. QUESTION.
  • Alright, Alright! Sheesh. Clearly a source of pain. Is that what gets you the most? -What gets me the most is nosey people trying to be cute and asking a question in a different way.
  • Sharp man -Bout as sharp as this huntin' knife I always have handy. Wanna see?
  • *Gulp* I didn't mean to -*changing tone* Naw man, I mean you want to look at this craftsmanship here? The serration is perfect. Easy to release the flesh on contact. Not as good as my usual blade, but better for survival stuff since I don't have to fight right now. Skinnin' carcasses for pelts. **Plus it scares the shit outta most folks lookin' to start trouble.**
  • Whoa, your whole demeanor changed. You're…engaged? -What? I'll never settle down like that, not agin'.
  • No, I mean you're showing interest in something and want me to listen. I didn't expect that. -Well what the hell am I here for? I thought doctors like you listen to people. Now I wanna talk about this, and you wanna talk about my family. Just listen would ya? I don't get to ever do this unless I gotta save someone's hide.
  • You…you lonely man. -*Yelling* STOP GETTING SOFT YA HEAR?
  • Yes Sir! -Now if you want, I can set up some sort of training for you, because it's obvious you're no survivalist. If I gotta be stuck here until I get home, you need to be useful.
  • Is this your way of bonding? -*Oblivious* Well I usually don't have glue, so I just keep extra rope in my saddle bag. Comes in handy to keep bounties in check. But that kind of lesson comes with practice.
  • You're making this awkward, and we're running out of time. -Shucks, we're just getting started. But don't worry. I'll figure out a way to get you a decent six-shooter; those new fangled guns just don't have the same grip. A man's gotta learn to fend for himself, ya get me son?
  • Don't call me…oh wow. I don't think you realize -*Interrupting, clearly dismissive* Well can't keep talking like that, gotta find a place to hit the hay. I'll make my way back to you, I'm sure of it. Just keep listening, I don't get to be this much of a…sage to just anybody.
  • I'll listen again, and again, and again. But I can't fill that void forever. -*flustered groan* Just as long as it's on the job. Nothing else. Stay safe, ya hear?

• Ending (44:53)
  • Recommended reading: Jonah Hex v2 (Palmiotti series)
  • Next episodes: Grandma Chainsaw 2, The Dog Knight w/ Jeremy Whitley & Bre Indigo, Adam Warlock
  • Plugs for social & GonnaGeek Network
    • Roseparkradio commented on YT: Let Anthony voice the Penguin in DC Animation NOW!

References:

• Red vs. Blue - Anthony (13:20)

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Step right up and listen to our episode about the most lethal carnival barker ever, ARCADE! Do Anthony & Doc press their luck and win big prizes, or do they hit a whammy with this assassin?

• Intro
• Background (2:02)
  • Arcade created by Chris Claremont and John Byrne in Marvel Team-Up #65 (Jan 1978)
  • Debuted as a hitman trying to kill Spider-Man and Captain Britain (Brian Braddock) in a game-like complex called Murderworld
  • He often reappears regularly, establishing a new Murderworld with the help of various assistants, all of them designed to kill different heroes or pairs of heroes
  • Murderworld is always filled with elaborate traps to extract maximum entertainment out of the killing, but Arcade always leaves his victims a sporting chance to escape - which they overwhelmingly do
  • One of his biggest stories was Avengers Arena, where he kidnapped 16 teen heroes and brought them to an island, forcing them to kill each other until one survives, Battle Royale-style - unlike most previous stories, he does manage to kill several of the heroes
  • Unlike many characters, little is known about Arcade's background - he claims to have grown up wealthy, but he was cut off by his father, whom he murdered in response

• Issues (4:48)
  • Arcade. What Kevin McCallister probably would have become had he not grown up to be the Jigsaw Killer instead. The guy whose goofy panache and gimmicky trademarks bely a very dangerous and accomplished assassin. Arcade is one of those characters who's not even remotely a mystery in terms of his issues:
  • Obsession with violence for the sake of entertainment. Think of the amount of work that goes into building the Murderworlds we've seen in the comics. Finding the physical space. Laying the foundation for construction. The blueprints, the design. Building a structure strong enough to withstand the impact of super-powered beings. Meticulously engineering multiple complex mechanical, electrical, computer, and robotics systems that all have to work in tandem with one another. Countless quality assurance tests to make sure everything runs the way he intends them to. And he custom-designs these giant deathtraps for every target. As an assassin, if his objective was just to kill, he could easily just use a ten-cent bullet. The sheer lengths that he goes to in order to carry out his hits are proof positive that it's not about the killing or the money he's being paid to kill for him, he really, really enjoys watching his targets struggle against his machinations, and the entertainment level that the violence and mayhem provide him.
  • Disassociation with his actions. Much like the Jigsaw Killer, Arcade will never build a deathtrap that doesn't allow his victims a sporting chance to escape. Arcade has no philosophical motive towards making his targets appreciate their lives, however; he just doesn't think the game is any fun if the outcome is predetermined in advance. This does tend to cause him to overlook part of his own responsibility in what he's doing. It's not me killing these people. It's Murderworld. It's completely possible for them to win the game I've put them in, they're just not very good at it. (10:36)
  • Inferiority complex. As revealed in the Avengers Arena arc, Arcade has an extremely poor reputation among both the superhero and supervillain community. Although he has a sterling record killing run of the mill targets, he has failed to kill every single superhero he's ever been contracted to assassinate. This causes him to suffer a deep depression when he finds out about it -- at his own birthday party, no less. (15:10)

• Break (21:55)
  • Plugs for ODPH, Popcorn Psychology, and Chris Claremont

• Treatment (22:51)
  • In-universe -
  • Out of universe - People inured to the concept of violence when they see it on TV or on a computer screen, fans of contact or combat sports who turn themselves off to the pain being endured by the athletes for the sake of their entertainment.
  • As a possible in-universe or out-of-universe way of diverting his talents to something not quite so evil, tell me Arcade -- with his proclivity for presentation, entertainment, and high stakes -- wouldn't make a perfect booker for a professional wrestling company.

• Skit (39:55)
  • DOC: What? Huh? Where am I?
  • ARCADE: Hello Doctor Issues, welcome to Murderworld!
  • DOC: Who are you?
  • ARCADE: I'm your friendly host, Arcade! You'll remember your stay here for the rest of your life. Unfortunately for you, that'll be, oh, about five more minutes!
  • DOC: What? You won't get away with this! As soon as I call…
  • ARCADE: Call whom? With what? You have no phone, no technology, no nothing. Let's face it, Doc, you're lonelier than a pimple-faced teen on prom night. But it's not all bad news, let me give you the rundown on exactly what's going to happen. You've got exactly five minutes to find the door that leads to your freedom, or this whole place will explode with the force of a hydrogen bomb, sending your atoms back into the oblivion from whence they came.
  • DOC: Why do I have a feeling you're not exactly being honest with me?
  • ARCADE: What would I have to gain from lying? You find the door, you walk away free. On my honor.
  • DOC: All offense intended, that's not exactly encouraging. What's the catch?
  • ARCADE: Fair enough, good sir. Now, if you walk through the door you're free. GETTING to the door, however… now there, I make no promises. Oh, and your clock starts… now.
  • DOC: *running sounds* OK, I think I see something in this wooded area… WHOA.
  • ARCADE: Ahh, here's your first test. Sure, there's a doorway just a few feet away. If only the whole ground, walls, and ceiling wasn't covered with arthropods, bugs, and more legs than the Rockettes Christmas Spectacular!
  • DOC: *shudders* Yeesh.
  • ARCADE: Oh that's right, I forgot, you're terrified of…
  • DOC: Hup hup haaahh… joke's on you, I'm not scared of bugs anymore. And I made it through the door with plenty of time to - aww man!
  • ARCADE: Alright, fine, you made it through that one. But here's your next challenge - public speaking! All you have to do is recite the hippocratic oath in front of this crowd of people and TV cameras! Oh, such a shame I forgot to have a copy printed out for you in advance. Clock's ticking and all that. Welp, I guess you'll have to-
  • DOC: *speedily* I do solemnly swear, by that which I hold most sacred, that I will be loyal to the profession of medicine, and just and generous to its members. I will lead my life and practice my art in uprightness and honor. And unto whoever house I enter, it shall be for the good of the sick to the utmost of my power. Holding myself apart from corruption, from tempting, from vice. I will exercise my art solely for the cure of my patients, and I will perform no operation for criminal purpose, even if solicited…
  • ARCADE: Alright, hurry up and get to the finish so you can just die…
  • DOC: But I didn't-
  • ARCADE: Bah, you didn't stumble at all. I'm not worried, though, because there's no way you're going to make it through this last trap. Besides, you've only got thirty seconds left, and you won't solve this math-
  • DOC: The limit does not exist. *unlock sound* *door opens*
  • ARCADE: I… I really thought I was going to do it this time. I did my research, found out what you were afraid of. And then the math thing, I mean who can do differential calculus in their head like that?
  • DOC: Haven't been scared of bugs in years. Public speaking? Dude, I host a podcast. And the math thing… did you do all that just for a Mean Girls reference?
  • ARCADE: I gotta be honest, this wasn't my best work. I don't have my usual resources, I put a lot into Bitcoin, and whatever was in cash I had in Silicon Valley Bank. This kinda got slapped together.
  • DOC: Yeah, I can tell. My question is why?
  • ARCADE: Ever since I knocked off those teens, I was riding high for a while. Then things came crashing down, and I needed another big win. I thought taking out the psychiatrist to the caped community would put me back on top.
  • DOC: But why do you have to be back on top? Do you realize the level of engineering and coordination it takes to set something up like this? You have an understanding of logistics and detail most people could only dream of. If you stopped trying to focus on killing people and pivoted towards a legitimate business, you could be the best in the field at that.
  • ARCADE: But where's the challenge? The sport in watching someone try to figure out if they'll live? The adrenaline rush that you get seeing a person's head explode like a balloon? Without that, it's all just blueprints and greenbacks. There's more to life than money, surely you can appreciate that.
  • DOC: I can, and far be it for me to tell someone not to pursue their passion. But when that passion comes at the expense of creating dangerous and deadly situations for innocent people, that's where-
  • ARCADE: Oh come off it, Doctor. You can't possibly believe these caped clowns are innocent? How much collateral damage do they cause on a regular basis? I'm willing to wager that even your office has been impacted by them on more than one occasion.
  • DOC: That's not the point. That's no reason to hurt or kill them.
  • ARCADE: I didn't hear a denial. And anyway, it's all in the name of entertainment. Do you watch sports? Football? Boxing? MMA? I just take humanity's innate thirst for blood and guts, and I take it to its logical extremes. We thrill at the idea of someone pounding a man's skull in until he's incapable of speech, leaving him functionally brain dead towards the end of his life. But someone giving him the mercy of delivering a killing blow is beyond the pale? Let me ask you - would you rather remember Ali going out gracefully in 1978, or as a pale shell of his former self at the end of his life?
  • DOC: Even if that's not a horrible analogy, which it absolutely is, you're ignoring the most important thing: choice. You kidnap these people and force them to kill or survive. That's not fair at all.
  • ARCADE: It's not a guarantee that they'll die. There's always a sporting chance. Something to keep it interesting.
  • DOC: Interesting for whom? That's my point.
  • ARCADE: For me, of course! What difference does it make if it doesn't interest anyone else? But you know that's false, too. Have you witnessed bare knuckle brawls, slap fighting, high speed racing? No one is there for competition alone. They all want to see someone's life changed forever…or ended.
  • DOC: There's one thing you keep forgetting to mention…choice. Free will. It's obvious that you want complete control, AND you want violence. That's a terrible combination.
  • ARCADE: We are made to compete. It's our nature. And we are destined to die. I make sure these happen at peak performance value.
  • DOC: Then what's the difference between a game and…*snaps fingers* a game? That's it! A game!
  • ARCADE: What are you getting at?
  • DOC: Ever seen Wipeout? MXC? Ninja Warrior? Those are voluntary shows with some brutal consequences but people consider them to be in poor taste, not horrific.
  • ARCADE: *slow to understand* And so…
  • DOC: You could outplan all of those contraptions, I'm sure of it! But you're so stuck on one note that you've limited your creativity. It's death or nothing for you. How dull.
  • ARCADE: You mean…permanent disfigurement?
  • DOC: *sigh* Broader than that! How about temporary embarrassment? Self doubt leading to self actualization. Impossible mortal feats being made possible to the non-caped community!
  • ARCADE: Well, necromancy is where I draw the line
  • DOC: Ugh…aaaaaanyway, my point is, do you think you could create a course so deviant that no one could solve it, and still not die?
  • ARCADE: *pause* You are an absolute MADMAN, you know that?
  • DOC: I'm sure it would have the backing of several major networks worth billions of dollars to the inventor and producer.
  • ARCADE: *pause* My world is spinning right now. This is all absurd. You don't put people through trials and torture just to watch them succeed!
  • DOC: Is it really that much worse than putting them through trials to DIE and they STILL succeed?
  • ARCADE: Perhaps not. We'll have to agree to disagree then.
  • DOC: *pause* wait, that's all? No extra ranting? No threats to kill me some other way? Just letting me go?
  • ARCADE: I gave my word. You're not an interesting target anyway. You have no abilities, no talent, and it's obvious you don't do much for patients besides giving them guilt trips.
  • DOC: That's a low blow
  • ARCADE: No hard feelings. Shake on it?
  • DOC: *clearly wary* You serious right now?
  • ARCADE: Always find ways to be serious when you're having fun, doctor.
  • DOC: Alright *sound effects of struggle*
  • ARCADE: YOU CHEATER!
  • DOC: *out of breath* I may not know combat techniques, but I learned how to perform a patient takedown! You're not going anywhere until the proper authorities arrive *sound effect of handcuffs* and it's not a great idea to leave restraint equipment around even if you don't think anyone will be alive to use it.
  • ARCADE: This isn't fair! I demand a do-over! A reset! …

• Ending
  • Recommended reading:Avengers Arena
  • Next episodes: Jonah Hex, Mister Sinister, Jeremy & Bre interview
  • Plugs for social & GonnaGeek Network

References:

• Tolerance paradox - Anthony (21:18)
• Motorhead "The Game" - Doc (51:27)

Apple Podcasts: here

Google Play: here

Stitcher: here

TuneIn: here

iHeartRadio: here

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Things get chilly as we tackle PENGUIN! How has this businessman managed to survive in Gotham so long? Listen to find out!

• Intro

• Background (4:30)

• • The Penguin, Oswald Cobblepot, created by Bill Finger & Bob Kane in Detective Comics #58 (Dec. 1941)

  • The Penguin was one of Batman's earliest nemeses – a short, stout man with a long, beaklike nose who dressed in a top hat and monocle

  • He started off as a thief who worked with a bird motif in his robberies, but almost always managed to outsmart Batman & Robin and escape

  • Name was finally revealed as Oswald Cobblepot in The Best of DC #10 (March 1981) – his backstory was that of a bullied child with an overprotective mother who was obsessed with birds, and after she died he entered a life of crime to seek vengeance upon the world that shunned him

  • After repeatedly being beaten by Batman, and further embarrassed by Jean-Paul Valley, he opens a restaurant casino called the Iceberg Lounge, which he uses as a front for criminal activity, and begins operating as a criminal overlord

  • In No Man's Land, he remains in Gotham after everyone abandons it following the earthquake – his connections make him one of the most powerful people in the city

  • Occasionally serves as an informant to Batman, who keeps a close eye on him – Batman feels the Penguin is a necessary evil, and any power vacuum created by his absence would be worse than he is

• Issues - Overcompensation (8:12)

• • Ariel – why someone born to wealth would end up as a crime lord

  • Ariel – his bizarre relationship with women (15:28)

  • Semi-Oedipal complex with his mother (24:18)

• Break (32:58)

• • Plugs for Grief Burrito, Freudian Sips, and Saladin Ahmed

• Treatment (34:22)

• • In-universe - Use financial planning to help him reconfigure his goals & desires

  • Out of universe - spoiled affluenza-ridden orphan who uses their money to seek revenge on people (39:09)

• Skit (43:24)

• • Hello Mr. Cobblepot, I'm Dr. Issues – And a good day to you too, sir. Might I interest you in a glass of champagne while we talk? It's a 1959 Dom Perignon Rose.

  • I don't drink while I'm working, and I'm not certain you should be drinking during a session either. How did you even get a bottle and glasses past the security? – Oh posh, you needn't bother yourself with trifling matters such as that. I certainly don't. Life is so short, so why not enjoy the fine things? Were we not put here to take advantage of all life has to offer?

  • Be that as it may, I'll pass. I must say, I'm rather surprised at your cavalier attitude, given your… current surroundings. – A temporary snafu, Doctor. Rest assured this will all be taken care of presently. A man of my stature doesn't stay imprisoned for very long. Now I assume you're here to provide an overview of my mental health for the DA's office? Well let me save you the trouble, I'm entirely compos mentis. So you can go ahead and just copy the report from the last time I was here, update the dates, maybe summarize that brief misunderstanding I had with the Bat about how I came to acquire the jewelry, and we'll both be on our way.

  • Nice try, but I'm afraid it won't be quite so simple. – Oh but it will be. You see, dear Doctor, there are two sets of rules in this world. There's one set for people like you – and rest assured that statement has nothing to do with the amount of melanin in your skin – where you remain subject to a dull life filled with repetition and servitude, hoping to rise above your status like Icarus, but inevitably your wings melt and you land with a thud among the common rabble. You spend your entire life trying to escape the box. And then there's another set of rules for people like me, which is to say there are no rules. I don't have to envision escaping the box, because for me there never was a box.

  • And yet here you are, quite literally inside a box, while I sit comfortably outside of it. – Again, this is a temporary setback.

  • So since you're temporarily in the box, let's talk. You could do anything you wanted with your resources. Why did you choose crime? – I came from a lineage of people accustomed to a particular lifestyle, and my family had plans for me. Unfortunately, those plans were incompatible with my… appearance. My family was not so understanding or appreciative of my unique nature. And after they all befell such horrible tragedies and accidents, it was just me and dear mother. She was so lonely and needed someone to take care of her. So I did what any good son did. I established myself and gave her the lifestyle she deserved.

  • By taking from others who also deserve the same lifestyle? Because you say so? You can see the slippery slope where I'm taking this -Oh but my dear doctor, there is no need for imagination when it comes to that level of speculatory relevance. Look around you! To be frank, neither of us need to worry ourselves with the dregs of society. That's not what I'm about. That's why my club still has the highest rating in Travel and Leisure Magazine as I bide my time…legally indisposed.

  • Fascinating. You really do care what people think of you, don't you. Not your looks; you're beyond that now. But the glamor of it all. Prestige is your love language. That explains why you don't care about Gotham. -*pause* I beg your pardon?

  • Well I mean it seems like you're willing to gut the essence of a major city and pollute it with crime. At least white collar types usually try to coat their disdain with gentrification. -I would do no such thing

  • *Interrupting* Arson, theft, assault, terroristic threats, those are the accusations on your rap sheet. Heck, Al Capone got caught for tax evasion. How is it that unsophisticated thugs can cover their tracks better than you, and you keep up with the facade of a distinguished gentleman? - Careful, Doctor, your tongue is starting to betray the rest of your body. It'd be a shame to have to excise it from your skull.

  • So you don't like what I have to say. That's the type of stress any gentleman would encounter in normal interaction. That shouldn't lead to threats of violence. -The only correction I must make is that it is not a threat. It is a guarantee.

  • Alright, if that's the way you're going to go about it, then there is no point in continuing to talk. -But there is, my dear doctor. You see, I have no intention of ending this discussion without expanding my…sphere of influence. And no, that is not in reference to my physical form.

  • What sort of influence can I add for you? -You know people. Important people. Otherwise, you would not be assigned to evaluate me. But I can leverage that to my advantage. Tell me, Dr. Issues, what your career would look like, if you were named an accomplice to my crimes?

  • *laughs* that's not possible. -Really now? Even though I have access to my own records and can reverse engineer them to say that you knew about all of them and never reported them?

  • But this is the first time I've seen -*interrupting* it doesn't matter what we SAY, here, doctor, only what is documented. You know that. I'm not privy to share my ways, but let's just say that, oh right about now, several friends and family will learn of your attempts on their lives, their residences, their places of employment…all because you wanted to be more powerful and wanted my help. *tsk tsk tsk* for shame, a psychiatrist driven mad with power, and my confession with impeccable transcription the only remaining source of legitimate inquiry. I had to stop you of course, because I AM the one who cares for Gotham you see.

  • You…you had all of this planned from the start? -Certainly. Now, I'd be willing to trade. None of those events continue, if you would be so kind as to give me details on Batman and everyone he has come into contact with. Oh, I may still kill you, but at least everyone else is spared and you are made to look like some sort of martyr. Sounds like a bargain to me.

  • *deep sigh* I'm scared to say no. -Splendid. Now if you could just.

  • *interrupting* Scared, not unwilling. No deal. -Preposterous! *angry* You simpleton! You are truly going to throw away your career and everyone you know just for the sake of righteousness? Absurd.

  • You're right. I'm way too practical for that. *jet plane and random siren sound effects* Yeah, I think I did the right thing. -What does that mean?

  • It means that the same people you wanted to hurt are the same people that are being protected and rescued by the same people you wanted dirt on -Stop saying "same people!" For someone with alleged intelligence you limit your vocabulary too much.

  • Not a priority. Plus I know it pisses you off. -*realization* You too had this all planned from the start.

  • Eh, not quite. But someone else did. Take a guess. - YOU DO KNOW HIM. This is too much! You will not play me like a cheap fiddle!

  • Oh it's clear you'd be quite expensive and rare. But I'll admit that we're not a good fit because I don't follow the collectibles market. So I'll sign off of your case for now. You were giving me the cold shoulder anyway. - STOP WITH YOUR PUNS *wenk wenk wenk*

• Ending (52:07)

• • Recommended reading: Penguin: Pain & Prejudice

  • Next episodes: Arcade, Jonah Hex, Mister Sinister

  • Plugs for social & GonnaGeek Network

References:

• Bane episode - Anthony (5:45)

• Azrael episode - Anthony (5:48)

• Veruca Salt - Anthony (14:08)

• "Money, Power, Respect" by the Lox feat. DMX & Lil' Kim (NSFW) - Anthony (14:19)

• "Last Time That I Checc'd" by Nipsey Hussle - Doc (14:38)

• "I Can't Make You Love Me" - Bonnie Raitt - Anthony (22:49)

• • Tank's Version - Doc (23:00)

• Norman Bates - Anthony (24:30)

Apple Podcasts: here

Google Play: here

Stitcher: here

TuneIn: here

iHeartRadio: here

Twitter

Facebook

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Patreon

TeePublic

Discord

A bit late, but we finally bring the thunder down and examine Billy Batson/Captain Marvel/Shazam! And for some reason, Matchbox 20 factors in. It makes sense in context, trust us…

• Intro
  • Apologies for delay on episode
  • Belated 5th anniversary celebration!

• Background (2:20)
  • Shazam/Captain Marvel, Billy Batson, created by Bill Parker and CC Beck in Whiz Comics #2 (Feb. 1940)
  • Originally designed as six superheroes, each with the power of a mythical figure, they were combined into one hero as Captain Marvel
  • Billy Batson is a 12 year old orphan who can transform into a superhero called Captain Marvel by speaking the word SHAZAM, an acronym of the six immortal elders/gods who gave him his power: Solomon (wisdom), Hercules (strength), Atlas (stamina), Zeus (power), Achilles (courage), and Mercury (speed)
  • Later issues introduced members of the extended Marvel family, who shared Billy's powers - Captain Marvel Jr. (Freddy Freeman), Mary Marvel (Billy's twin sister Mary), and others, as well as his nemeses Black Adam, Doctor Sivana, Mister Mind, and more
  • In the 1940s, Captain Marvel was more popular than Superman, and at one point was selling over a million copies per issue
  • In 1941, the precursor to DC Comics (National Comics) sued Fawcett Comics for copyright infringement, claiming Captain Marvel was too similar to Superman - although losing the initial claim, DC won an appeal, and in 1953 Fawcett settled monetarily with DC, because by this point the Captain Marvel books weren't selling nearly as well, agreeing to cease publication
  • In 1967 Marvel Comics created their own character named Captain Marvel (Mar-Vell), and secured the trademark
  • In 1972, DC Comics licensed the characters from Fawcett, but was unable to name the book Captain Marvel due to Marvel's trademark - the characters could retain their names, however, so the new book was called Shazam!
  • The 1970s saw the Marvel family established on Earth-S in the DC multiverse, with occasional crossovers, until Crisis, where they were fully integrated into the streamlined DC New Earth
  • 1994 - The Power of Shazam! retconned his backstory - his parents were archaeologists killed by their associate Theo Adam, who steals a magic scarab - Theo becomes Black Adam, who realizes who Billy is after determining he looks just like his father
  • Played a critical role in Kingdom Come, where he famously squares off against Superman
  • Joined the JSA in the early 2000s to keep Black Adam in check
  • In the New 52, he was officially renamed Shazam, since the book couldn't be called Captain Marvel anyway, and the Marvel family was renamed the Shazam family - all the children were other foster kids alongside Billy, who retained his youthful nature but was more cynical than previously written
  • New series coming in June written by Mark Waid

• Issues - more than you think you are (13:02)
  • Shazam picks a child to be the world's greatest hero - heavy burden on such young shoulders
  • No parents to help him with this burden - so he created his own found family
  • Serves as functional avatar of six gods across various pantheons (23:15)

• Break (28:44)
  • Plugs for Hops Geek, Frigay the 13th, and Phillip Kennedy Johnson

• Treatment (30:55)
  • In-universe - sessions with Billy & Shazam, and then compare notes
  • Out of universe - foster kid (36:38)

• Skit (44:18)
  • DOC: Hello Shazam, I'm Dr. Issues.
  • BILLY: Oh please, just call me Billy.
  • DOC: Hi, Billy! Wassup. Hi five!
  • BILLY: Ok, you're trying too hard.
  • DOC: What?
  • BILLY: I can tell you think I'm cool, but Just call me Billy…and you can put your hand down.
  • DOC: Crash and burn. *muttering* Nice one, doc. *normal voice* So Billy, what can I do for you?
  • BILLY: Are you the one that writes prescriptions and stuff? I don't really need that.
  • DOC: Yes…but I don't tend to write many for kids unless it's absolutely necessary. Are you having trouble with school?
  • BILLY: No.
  • DOC: At home?
  • BILLY: Nope.
  • DOC: With friends?
  • BILLY: It's complicated.
  • DOC: Aha! Now we're getting somewhere. So what's going on with your friends?
  • BILLY: Not much.
  • DOC:*pause* Sooooo…it's not a problem, really?
  • BILLY: Not anything you can do about it.
  • DOC:Try me.
  • BILLY: Can you make them younger?
  • DOC:No.
  • BILLY: Can you make them understand me?
  • DOC:Ummm…not directly
  • BILLY: See? Waste of time.
  • DOC:Hold it! I'm not giving up yet.
  • BILLY: Cool.
  • DOC:*pause, desperate* Uhhhhh…what games do you like?
  • BILLY: Not any you'd care about.
  • DOC:Whoa dude. I'm used to being shut out but you're a ninja at cutting people off.
  • BILLY: It's a gift, I guess.
  • DOC:Really? What other gifts you got? I don't get to hang around aliens or gods or any of that stuff, so I know I'm *clearly sarcastic* OUT OF MY LEAGUE HAHAHA
  • BILLY: *pause* What is wrong with you?
  • DOC:*run-on* An intense level of sarcasm that acts as a veneer to cover plenty of deep caring for the world at large even when I want to be left alone. And you?
  • BILLY: Same. whoa…WHOA…nobody says that. No DOCTOR says that.
  • DOC:No doctor admits it, you mean. I'm probably not supposed to say it like that. But honesty in myself helps me sleep at night even when nothing else goes my way. I try to match the room. If I can't ,I just shut down.
  • BILLY: TMI my man.
  • DOC:Is it? I'm filling time. Usually I'll stay silent for a whole session, but that's no fun. I'm trying something different. There must be something about you. I don't open up to just anyone, so you must have some sort of connection even if you don't admit it. But then again, there's this theory that
  • BILLY: *interrupting* Do you ever shut up?
  • DOC:Always.
  • BILLY: *awkward silence* What, you want me to talk now?
  • DOC:You don't have to.
  • BILLY: *more awkward silence* So we're really going to sit here forever until I say something?
  • DOC:No, just until the end of the session….or you do the thing.
  • BILLY: What thing?
  • DOC:You know the thing.
  • BILLY: No
  • DOC:Come on, do the thing! Say it! Please?
  • BILLY: Are you just a fanboy?
  • DOC:Not really. I just wonder if you're different when you say it. I bet you are
  • BILLY: No.
  • DOC:I'll make the session free
  • BILLY: No
  • DOC:I'll make the next session free
  • BILLY: I don't want another session
  • DOC:I'll cancel the next session
  • BILLY: Fine. SHA-wait, I could just no-show the next session
  • DOC:I have a cancellation fee
  • BILLY: I don't care! You're just trying to use me like everyone else.
  • DOC:*hurt* Ouch. Look. I'm bad at jokes like this, and it's obvious I'm throwing a lot of stuff at the wall to see what sticks. First I tried to treat you like a typical patient, but that was selling you short. Then I tried to relate to you with something that you admit hit you personally, and you didn't go for it. Then I tried flattery, and you felt insulted. I don't know what works for you, but this ain't it. If you want somebody else to see you, fine. But I'm not giving up. Somebody can help if you have things to talk through.
  • BILLY: Why would you talk to someone that doesn't want to talk to you?
  • DOC:Have you ever had to deal with somebody that didn't want to deal with you?
  • BILLY: Yeah.
  • DOC:And you did it anyway?
  • BILLY: Yeah.
  • DOC:Why?
  • BILLY: That's different. I'm trying to save people.
  • DOC:So am I, in a much different way. I can't do it the way you do. But I don't give up on lost causes.
  • BILLY: You sound like some people I know.
  • DOC:Is that a good thing?
  • BILLY: Knowing them, yeah. But they keep getting in more and more trouble, and they keep fighting, and then they talk about it all the time. What if I don't want to do that? What If I want to have fun? Or quit? Or hang out? I want to do what I want. They want me to be like Superman or Batman
  • DOC:Then find a way to do it with your own style. Who cares if it's not just like them? Don't be a copy.
  • BILLY: Nobody told me that before.
  • DOC:*sarcastic clapping* Hooray, I did something. Yaaaay. Is there anything else?
  • BILLY: You're still strange, you know that?
  • DOC:Not for copyright purposes
  • BILLY: What?
  • DOC:Nothing. Now, for giving you one talking point
  • BILLY: *interrupting* fine SHAZAM! *sound effects* See? No big deal, I'm still Billy.
  • DOC:*sobbing*
  • BILLY: Are you crying?
  • DOC:THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER THANK YOU SO MUCH I AM MAKING YOU A FREE PATIENT FOR LIFE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
  • BILLY: Most people just ask for an autograph.

• Ending (50:43)
  • Recommended reading: The Power of Shazam!
  • Next episodes: The Penguin, Arcade, Jonah Hex
  • Plugs for social & GonnaGeek Network

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We descend to the depths of Hell to talk Satan's Ambassador, the ORIGINAL Black Widow, CLAIRE VOYANT!

Issue 170 - Claire Voyant

• Intro
  • Mention Quantumania recap episode

• Background (2:15)
  • Claire Voyant, the original Black Widow, created by George Kapitan & Harry Sahle in Mystic Comics #4 (August 1940)
  • Not only is she the first Black Widow, decades before Natasha Romanoff, but she is the first costumed female superheroine in comic books
  • Claire Voyant is a spirit who can communicate with the dead
  • She is possessed by Satan to curse a family she is working with, but the husband survives the spell and kills her
  • When she arrives in Hell, she is resurrected by Satan and sent back to Earth with the ability to kill evildoers with a single touch, so he can harvest their souls
  • She also has the ability to fly and generate fire, she is superhumanly strong, and she has various psychic abilities
  • Only makes five appearances between 1940-1943
  • Brought back in The Twelve by J. Michael Straczynski, alongside 11 other obscure Timely Comics characters
  • Retconned history has her become the Black Widow in 1928 after her sister was murdered by her husband – as she stands over the grave, she wishes for the power to avenge her death, and Satan answers
  • She and the other characters are knocked unconscious and put in suspended animation during WWII – awoken in 2008, she resumes serving Satan, while falling in love with the Phantom Reporter, Dick Jones

• Issues (8:24)
  • Deal with Devil
  • Distances herself from people because of her abilities
  • Seems to have less difficulty adapting to modern culture, but only because she seeks out specific subgroups (goths) (19:54)

• Break (29:38)
  • Plugs for Comic Book Keepers, Into the Knight, and Chris Claremont

• Treatment (31:26)
  • In-universe - Connect her with souls she's impacted
  • Out of universe (34:20)

• Skit (feat. Theo Kitsinger as Claire) (39:04)
  • DOC: Hello Claire, I'm Doctor Issues.
  • CLAIRE: Hello Doctor.
  • DOC: I just want to let you know this is a judgment-free zone, and you can feel free to speak your mind. This is a safe space.
  • CLAIRE: I appreciate your intention, Doctor, but unfortunately for me there is no such thing as a safe space.
  • DOC: Oh, I am constantly updating various defenses and technology to help protect-
  • CLAIRE: What I mean is there is nowhere I can go where my dark master cannot find me. No hole I can hide in to avoid him or his call.
  • DOC: Oh, I see. And which dark master is that?
  • CLAIRE: He goes by many names, but I believe you'd recognize the name Satan?
  • DOC: Just so we're clear, your master is… the literal Devil?
  • CLAIRE: Lucifer, Shaitan, the Fallen Angel, Beelzebub… again, many names.
  • DOC: I see. And you serve him because…
  • CLAIRE: I sold my soul in exchange for the ability to avenge my sister's killer. As decisions go, it was not my finest moment, but I am beholden nonetheless.
  • DOC: OK. Is he in here with us now…?
  • CLAIRE: Are you an agent of evil?
  • DOC: Certainly hope not.
  • CLAIRE: Then you have nothing to fear.
  • DOC: So says YOU.
  • CLAIRE: If you like, I can enter your mind and assuage your fears in another way.
  • DOC: Thanks, but I don't care for anyone poking around upstairs. Plus it'd violate patient-client confidentiality in ways I don't even want to imagine. So let's just stick to chatting, and I'll do my best to ignore the presence of the literal devil.
  • CLAIRE: So that's your solution? Pay no mind to the evil that surrounds us at all times?
  • DOC: I never said that. Trust me, every day I go to work I'm confronted with the evils humanity is capable of. But one of the benefits of this job is the ability to do something about it, and to help people address some of their… less beneficial tendencies.
  • CLAIRE: Interesting outlook. Do you fancy yourself a superhero?
  • DOC: Goodness no. I simply try my best to be a net positive for good in the world.
  • CLAIRE: Do you have any powers?
  • DOC: I think that's enough questions about me for now. Let's refocus the discussion a bit. Do you struggle with having to serve the Devil?
  • CLAIRE: *hesitates* No.
  • DOC: Forgive me for not believing you entirely.
  • CLAIRE: It's just… I was frozen in time for sixty years. When I awoke, I thought maybe… I would be free of my burden. But it seems that I will have to do this forever.
  • DOC: And, at the risk of sounding cliché, how does that make you feel?
  • CLAIRE: It's… complicated. I can rid the world of evil. I've avenged my sister's killer, and so many others who would do harm to the innocent. I have powers most would only dream of. My looks will never fade nor tarnish. And still…
  • DOC: You question whether it was worth it.
  • CLAIRE: Every day.
  • DOC: What do you dream about?
  • CLAIRE: I don't sleep. At least… not in the way normal people do. It's more of a recharge after using my abilities.
  • DOC: On one hand, I'm tempted to go down the rabbit hole of how your lack of full sleep cycles can destroy you as a functioning person, but you're probably immortal so…um…I won't. Forget the literal. What are your wishes? What's your next goal?
  • CLAIRE: I don't think I have any. There's not much room for that sort of thing. The next soul, I guess.
  • DOC: And how do you build your life around that?
  • CLAIRE: I kill them. *awkward pause* Is there supposed to be something else?
  • DOC: *exasperated* ANYTHING else. Does your boss have a quota or something?
  • CLAIRE: He keeps track, but I don't…not really, I had a gap of decades.
  • DOC: Then there are no excuses. You're the ultimate freelance worker. Cater your time to your whims. Relationships, hobbies, I don't care. Experiment.
  • CLAIRE: You can sit there with a straight face and tell a psychic succubus to get a life?
  • DOC: *gulp* Well, I…um…
  • CLAIRE: As if I could randomly find meaning in unimportant human things anymore. What, you're going to try and be a matchmaker, too? Tinder takes on a whole new meaning around me.
  • DOC: I don't know about any of that, but is there anyone you're the least interested in?
  • CLAIRE: No… maybe. It's complicated.
  • DOC: You don't want that person to get hurt in the end.
  • CLAIRE: *pause* So it's not so complicated. Stop shutting down everything I say!
  • DOC: I'm not shutting anything down. You put barriers up the moment you sacrificed everything so long ago. That was a temporary view you decided to make permanent for whatever your reason, and I'm sure it was good at that point. You're beyond that now, but you're still trying to make everything in the world fit inside some tiny dark space in your mind. I can flip it around so your powerful mind can master what the world can offer.
  • CLAIRE: So you'll turn me into the greatest supervillain ever… I think my boss already has that title.
  • DOC: OF COURSE NOT! I'm saying…think Goth Influencer, or Demonic Consultant. You have so much to offer to society besides knocking off the next pedophile or mass murderer or whoever.
  • CLAIRE: But what if I don't want that attention? I don't necessarily want to be publicly known as an agent of Satan. The internal pressure is bad enough.
  • DOC: Then be in the background; just don't bury your talent because it's based in darkness instead of light. I don't have all of the answers, but I refuse to let you wither away like a soulless husk. Plus if I'm honest, you scare me. The patients I've had who didn't try something new, just…well, it wasn't good.
  • CLAIRE: This whole time, I've been studying your mind. Your soul, even. I can't find a bit of insincerity in anything you say. I find your view to be naive…but I can work with that.
  • DOC: Thanks…? So does this mean you're not going to send me to your boss?
  • CLAIRE: You're safe. For the time being, anyway. Thank you Doctor, I look forward to a future discussion.
  • DOC: Excellent. You can talk to my assistant and schedule your next session.
  • CLAIRE: I think I'll just come find you if and when that moment arrives. Shall we shake on it?
  • DOC: Y'know what, let's just wave and call it a day.

• Ending (46:48)

• Recommended reading: The Twelve
• Next episodes: Penguin, Shazam, Arcade
• Plugs for social & GonnaGeek Network

References:

• Ghost Trick - Doc (33:48)

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Anthony & Doc share their (re-recorded) thoughts on the new Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania film! The first half is spoiler-free, but the second half definitely gets into spoilers, so be warned! Plus Doc's daughter makes a brief appearance!

We talk with the writer of Tim Drake: Robin, Meghan Fitzmartin! This previously Patreon-exclusive hits the main feed - listen now!

• Intro
• Background
  • First creator who's also a podcaster - tell us about the scripted audio dramas
  • TV & animation work - was that spun out of podcasts?
  • How did you get started in writing comics?

• Tim Drake series
  • How did you get the gig writing Batman: Urban Legends?
  • Decision to make Tim bisexual - how much input did you have, was it editorial
    • Continuation of his story in Pride special & solo series
    • Creation of side characters in marina
    • Tim very distinct Robin - how to maintain that clarity of character & separation from rest of Batfamily

• Ending
  • Recommended reading: Tim Drake: Robin
  • Next episodes: Claire Voyant, Penguin, Shazam
  • Plugs for social

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We take a look at ANIMAL SIDEKICKS! Which ones are helpful to their humans, and which ones are just kinda... there?

• Intro

• • Reference Linear Kang cut

• Background (02:45)

• Lockheed

• • Created by Chris Claremont & Paul Smith in The Uncanny X-Men #166 (Feb. 1983)

  • Alien dragon (called Flock) and sidekick to Kitty Pryde of the X-Men - he actually considers her to be his pet

  • One story made reference to ability to speak English, but otherwise he can understand it but only makes animal noises

• Gleek (10:23)

• • Debuted in the All-New Super Friends Hour (Sept. 10, 1977), and made his first appearance in comics in Super Friends #7 (Oct. 1977)

  • Blue alien monkey and friend to Zan & Jayna, the Wonder Twins

  • He can understand English, but only capable of chittering

• Lockjaw (17:36)

• • Created by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby in the Fantastic Four #45 (Dec. 1965)

  • Giant dog who serves as the transporter for the Inhumans

  • Treated by the Inhumans as a pet, but a loyal and well-cared-for one

• Krypto (25:42)

• • Created by Otto Binder & Curt Swan in Adventure Comics #210 (March 1955)

  • Kryptonian dog who is Superman's loyal pet & companion

  • Has sacrificed himself a few times in various DC continuities to protect his master & save people, including attacking Mongul, and he bit Kryptonite Man to save Clark, dying of poisoning shortly afterwards

  • In one story, responsible for the Great Chicago Fire of 1871

• Ending

• • Recommended reading: Lockjaw & the Pet Avengers

  • Next episodes: Claire Voyant, Meghan Fitzmartin, Penguin

  • Plugs for social & GonnaGeek Network

References:

• Laika - Anthony (26:14)

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Please enjoy this recut of our Kang episode where the segments flow in the standard order, for those people who were confused by/didn't care for the experimental nature of the original release :)

Just before Quantumania releases, we travel through time with KANG THE CONQUEROR! This temporally unstable episode is our most ambitious yet - don't miss it!

• Intro
  • Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania coming out Feb. 17 - Anthony & Doc will do a review mini-episode after the film drops

• Background
  • Kang the Conqueror, Nathaniel Richards, created by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby
  • Due to Kang's time-traveling abilities, his backstory, and even creation, are difficult to pin down
  • Rama-Tut - first appeared in Fantastic Four #19 (Oct. 1963) - a time-traveling criminal from the year 3000 who went back to ancient Egypt
  • In Sept. 1964, in Avengers #8, Rama-Tut reveals he traveled to the year 4000 and is called Kang the Conqueror
  • Two months later (Nov. 1964), Immortus debuts in Avengers #10, and was later retroactively revealed as another variant of Kang
  • Another variant appears a few years later - the Scarlet Centurion (Avengers Annual #2 - Sept. 1968)
  • A heroic version was introduced in Young Avengers #1 (Feb. 2005) - Iron Lad
  • Later revealed that Kang is actually Nathaniel Richards, a descendant of Reed Richards' father
  • Reed's father traveled forward to the 31st century and brought peace to a war-ravaged Earth - it was here he had a child, named Nathaniel
  • Nathaniel grew up bored of the simple peace he lived, and when he was 16, he stole a time machine, traveled back to Egypt, and became Rama-Tut
  • He then traveled to the "present", where he met Dr. Doom and became inspired by him
  • Attempting to travel to his home timeline, he passed it by a thousand years, and upon learning that he can easily take over the war-torn planet, decides to go back to when Earth was fruitful so he can make it more worthwhile
  • Often shows up as a foe of the Avengers, but sometimes he battles the Fantastic Four
  • Major storylines:
    • Celestial Madonna - searching for a woman destined to carry a powerful child, he finds Mantis, but is thwarted by alternative versions of himself - here we learn that Immortus and Rama-Tut are also Kang, but after Kang overloads his armor, he destroys himself, deleting Immortus and Rama-Tut from existence as well
    • Council of Kangs - Three variants create a triumvirate to eliminate all other versions, but Ravonna (Kang's lover) tricks one of them into death before Immortus is destroyed by Prime Kang, the only one who remains
    • Avengers Forever - Kang rejects Immortus, and allies with the Avengers to prevent Immortus from allying with the Time Keepers - this involves keeping Rick Jones alive and Avengers from other timelines
    • Kang Dynasty - Kang, along with his son Marcus (operating as Scarlet Centurion), takes over the Earth in order to save it from a horrific future - although he initially conquers the world, he is defeated by the Avengers, with help from a traitorous clone of Marcus, who is infatuated with Carol Danvers (not unlike another version of Marcus)
    • Responsible for the creation of the Young Avengers - 16 year old Nate Richards is rescued by Kang and shown his future growth into the despot, but this horrifies young Nate, and he uses the time-travel technology and transports himself to the past, where he arrives as the Avengers have been disassembled - he downloads the Vision's operating system into his armor, and this amalgamation (Iron Lad) assembles a new team of younger heroes to prevent Kang from rising up in the first place

• Issues
  • Hedonic adaptation and the Diderot Effect
  • Narcissism
  • Technophilia

• Break
  • Plugs for Cheers to Comics, Adventures in Erylia, and Meghan Fitzmartin

• Treatment theme: Anything, but not everything
  • In-universe
  • Out of universe

• Skit
  • KANG: And now, my boy, it is time for you to DIE!
  • DOC: Wait, it's not supposed to happen like this!
  • * warp sound* IRON LAD: Doctor Issues, I presume?
  • DOC: What the - who the - what the -
  • IRON LAD: I understand, the whole time manipulation thing can be overwhelming.
  • DOC: But you were just trying to kill me!
  • IRON LAD: Oh no, sorry, that's a different me.
  • DOC: Excuse me?
  • IRON LAD: You can call me Iron Lad. Or Nate.
  • DOC: So you're NOT trying to kill me?
  • IRON LAD: Nope, definitely not. I had to warp you out of there, because if you died, it throws the entire timeline outta whack.
  • DOC: But you look just like the guy I was in there…
  • IRON LAD: Yeah, he's me from the future, but he showed me what it looked like, and I want absolutely nothing to do with that. So I went back to the past, which is your present, to stop myself from becoming him in the future. But the Avengers were gone, so I found the Vision's brain and downloaded it into my armor, and now here I am.
  • DOC: I'm so confused…
  • IRON LAD: I don't blame you. Sometimes I have to remind myself of who I am now, not who I was or who I might be.
  • DOC: So what happens now?
  • IRON LAD: I'm going to put you back in your office, just a liiiiitle bit earlier in the timestream, so you don't make the mistakes that lead up to whatever it was that made Kang want to kill you.
  • DOC: That's just it, I don't even remember what it was. He just got up out of the chair and pointed a weapon at me.
  • IRON LAD: Sadly, that's just how he is. He gets this idea in his head, and no matter what anyone says or does, he will do it come hell or high water. Sometimes I think I do it because I don't want anyone else dictating my destiny.
  • DOC: Are we talking about him or you?
  • IRON LAD: Uhh… ok, time to send you back now, good luck!
  • DOC: Oh no, don't warp me like this, it feels like I'm *warp sound* drowning in-
  • KANG: - the annals of history are *simultaneously* drowning in-
  • DOC: Gaaaaah!
  • KANG: You primitive dare interrupt Kang! You inadvertently prove my point about the vast majority of individuals who are mindless filler for the planet. Important resources wasted on people who can never comprehend how trivial their existence is to the grand scheme of time and history. That is one of my goals, to separate those who are worthy to share in the existence I plan on ushering forth from these… carbon-based cretins. And so far, you have done nothing to dissuade me from counting you in the latter group.
  • DOC: Sorry, it's just… I wasn't feeling like myself. As to your point, philosophers have discussed the value of human existence for millenia.
  • KANG: Those simpering academics? Bah. Very few are capable of acknowledging the meaningless of their lives, and ironically it is those who are best equipped to assist me in my plans.
  • DOC: So… you're looking for nihilists?
  • KANG: Only in nihilism can you find the ultimate freedom.
  • DOC: I don't understand. You keep speaking in circles, can you please be direct and just - talk to me?
  • KANG: Have we not been conversing this entire time?
  • *Warp sound* RAMA-TUT: Don't listen to me, I can get a little long-winded sometimes.
  • DOC: What the hell?
  • RAMA-TUT: I am Rama-Tut. The me you were in there with is an older version of me, long after I took over ancient Egypt.
  • DOC: How many of you are there?
  • RAMA-TUT: There are as many variants of me as there are grains of sand in the desert.
  • DOC: That's… unsettling. But why did you take me out of the session?
  • RAMA-TUT: The machinations of Rama-Tut are far beyond your ken. You need only know this: for the universe to avoid never ending calamity, not only must you survive, but you must kill Kang.
  • DOC: Dude, if you know ANYTHING about me, you'd know I am not going to kill anyone.
  • RAMA-TUT: All mortals have limits, and in order to preserve all of existence, you must push beyond yours. This has been foreseen, and not only by me, but by all Kangs. Why do you think he allowed himself to be captured and brought to you?
  • DOC: But why me? Literally anyone else could do a better job at that than me.
  • RAMA-TUT: If I divulge that information to you, it would create dangerous ripples throughout the timestream. You must simply trust what I tell you.
  • DOC: Not gonna happen.
  • RAMA-TUT: Nevertheless, I will return you to your session, slightly earlier than before. Take this, it is a chronosword. You must use it to strike down Kang. It will be shielded from him until you are ready to use it.
  • DOC: No, no, no *warp sound* for the last time-
  • KANG: A rather foreboding introduction, Doctor. You speak as though we have met before.
  • DOC: Uh, what I meant to say was-
  • KANG: I have no doubt that my… variants have attempted to persuade you to kill me, have they not?
  • DOC: I'm not exactly sure how client confidentiality works in this type of situation, but I'm gonna go ahead and just say I can't tell you what I spoke to anyyou else about.
  • KANG: It matters not. I have foreseen this all. The entire series of events that led me, you, us to this moment. I have orchestrated what to your mind would be an incomprehensible amount of coincidences, all building up to my single greatest triumph yet.
  • DOC: Not to be entirely self-deprecating, but if your greatest triumph involves me, somehow I think we need to reestablish your definitions of "great" and "triumph".
  • KANG: So simple, and yet you have no idea your function as a keystone in the story still to be told. The annals of history are drowning in-
  • DOC: Drowning in- Gaaaah
  • KANG: You primitive dare interrupt Kang! You inadvertently prove my point about-
  • IMMORTUS: *warp sound* The irony of him daring call anyone primitive.
  • DOC: OK, you all have GOT to stop cutting me in & out. And which one are you?
  • IMMORTUS: I am IMMORTUS. And we haven't much time.
  • DOC: Now THAT'S ironic.
  • IMMORTUS: No, truly, the Time Keepers are hunting me down. I must inform you quickly. You are in grave danger.
  • DOC: Yeah, I got that already. You're the fourth… you to pull me out of the session already.
  • IMMORTUS: Fourth? *counts to self* that means there's still time then.
  • DOC: Again, we have nothing BUT time.
  • IMMORTUS: Not true at all. Listen to me, as soon as we return, you MUST kill Kang.
  • DOC: Like I told the other guy, that's not gonna happen.
  • IMMORTUS: You don't understand. You must do it before you are pulled from the timestream again. If you don't, the consequences to all of existence will be dire.
  • DOC: Yeah, I know, Kang will destroy the entire universe.
  • IMMORTUS: No, Doctor Issues. YOU will.
  • DOC: Wait, what?!?!
  • IMMORTUS: It would take far too much to explain, just know that… *beep* they're on to me. I must send you back now.
  • DOC: No, wait, come here and *warp sound* talk to me!
  • KANG: Have we not been conversing this entire time?
  • DOC: I…
  • KANG: Which one was it? The whiny child? Or the one who is so certain of his immortality he named himself after it?
  • DOC: Again, to avoid any problems with confidentiality, I can't divulge conversations with other clients, even if they're kinda sorta you. I mean, I know there have been some shenanigans here, but I don't want to keep repeating things, otherwise I might as well just be talking to myself…
  • KANG: You have no idea how right you are, my lad…
  • DOC: What does that mean?
  • KANG: He hasn't told you?
  • DOC: Who hasn't told me what?
  • KANG: Fascinating. Then there's still time for me. Allow me to disengage these restraints-
  • DOC: Hold on, those are state of the art, I worked with the designer personally to ensure-
  • KANG: Yes, but as you well know Doctor, you can't defend against yourself.
  • DOC: Huh?
  • KANG: And now, my boy, it is time for you to DIE!
  • NATHANIEL RICHARDS: *Warp sound* It's not supposed to happen like this.
  • DOC: Lemme guess, you're the "he" who's supposed to reveal some big secret that's going to change everything.
  • NATHANIEL: I am Nathaniel Richards. Father of Kang, Immortus, Rama-Tut, Iron Lad, and all Kangs across the multiverse. And I'm not just any "he", Doctor Issues. Or should I say… grandfather.
  • DOC: *flat* what
  • NATHANIEL: The timestreams have been merged and diverted so often things are broken. My own memory of how this came to be betrays me. But I know this: you are my grandfather, which makes you-
  • DOC: Ancestor of Kang.
  • NATHANIEL: Indeed. I had hoped to get this information to you sooner, but I was attacked by-
  • DOC: At this point, does it really matter? My entire life, my entire identity, has been thrown into question. And I don't care how much you look or sound like me, I need this information straight from the source.
  • NATHANIEL: What?
  • DOC: I have to go back to Kang. I need to speak to him directly.
  • NATHANIEL: I cannot send you back to where I took you from, or you will die, and it will cause a cataclysmic chain reaction that will obliterate the very fabric of reality!
  • DOC: Then send me back to the moment when he decides I need to die.
  • NATHANIEL: I don't understand.
  • DOC: Look, when I get so much hearsay, I have to strip away all opinion. If Kang wants me dead, I don't need anyone else's interpretation. Whatever he does in that moment is the only thing that can resolve this. I am his provider, and it is my duty. If you are truly of my heritage, you'll understand this, and have some faith.
  • NATHANIEL: I admit I do not understand. But I do have faith. Just know that if this goes wrong, I cannot help you any further.
  • DOC: I know.
  • NATHANIEL: Then best of luck to you, grandfather. *warp sound*
  • DOC: Hello Kang, I'm… Doctor Issues. For the last time…
  • KANG: A rather foreboding introduction, Doctor. You speak as though we have met before.
  • DOC: Tell me why.
  • KANG: That's… no…
  • DOC: I may not understand, but I'm ready.
  • KANG: No no no NO NO DAMN YOU NATHANIEL.
  • DOC: Don't blame him, this right now is about why you feel the way you do about me.
  • KANG: For someone who claims to have an advanced education, your understanding of things is below rudimentary. You are responsible for the creation of these other… inferior variants. Ergo, I eliminate you, and they are gone.
  • DOC: As are you.
  • KANG: The threat of vanishing from existence has not stopped me before, and it won't now. Not when I'm so close to having all that I need. Besides, if there's no risk, there's no reward.
  • DOC: Then why do you tell me every time? You are holding something back. From yourself. I can help you confront it. Maybe no one has to die.
  • KANG: You are willing to gamble the fate of the entirety of existence on your ability to speak? We truly are related, ancestor, and I admire your boldness.
  • DOC: Only you would know this. Take us to the moment where we can have the greatest influence.
  • KANG: Very well. Prepare yourself, Doctor. This will be a showdown for the ages. *warp sound*
  • KANG 1: *background*Fascinating. Then there's still time for me. Allow me to disengage these restraints-
  • DOC 1: Hold on, those are state of the art, I worked with the designer personally to ensure-
  • KANG 1: Yes, but as you well know Doctor, you can't defend against yourself.*end background*
  • KANG 2: Here we are.
  • DOC 2: And here you come. To think, he gets all the glory. What does that make you?
  • KANG 2: You clever… Now I know where I get it from. *to Kang 1* You're absolutely right!
  • DOC 1: Huh? *realizes there's another version of him & Kang in the room* WHAT IS HAPPENING
  • KANG 2: And now, my boy, it is time for YOU to DIE!
  • KANG 1: No, this cannot be!
  • DOC 1: Why are there two mes?
  • DOC 2: Long story short, it's all a big timey-wimey ball.
  • DOC 1: How did we end up allying with HIM?!?!
  • DOC 2: Don't worry about that. Just do me a favor, and keep an eye on who our daughter marries in the future.
  • DOC 1: What?
  • DOC 2: Looks like my Kang has your Kang cornered…
  • DOC 1: But he's our… my… patient. I can't let him just do this.
  • DOC 2: If you knew what I know-
  • DOC 1: But I don't, and I took an oath. If you're not going to protect a person that you're responsible for, then I will.
  • DOC 2: Wait!
  • KANG 2: If I were a primitive I might feel shame about ending the life of someone who looks like me. But at this point…
  • KANG 1: Spoken like a true primitive. Alas, you will be the one to fall.
  • DOC 1: Noooo….
  • KANG 1 & KANG 2: *blasts*
  • DOC 1: AAAAAAHHHH
  • KANG 1: *dying* Why?
  • KANG 2: *dying* You simpleton… you have shattered the timestream…
  • DOC 1: *dying* I… I took an oath…
  • DOC 2: And the first part is do no harm…
  • DOC 1: Nok… *dies*

• Ending
  • Mention timescrew as we come out of the skit
  • Recommended reading: Kang Dynasty
  • Next episodes: Animal sidekicks, Claire Voyant, Penguin
  • Plugs for social

References:

• Lisa Simpson - Anthony

Apple Podcasts: here

Google Play: here

Stitcher: here

TuneIn: here

iHeartRadio: here

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Just before Quantumania releases, we travel through time with KANG THE CONQUEROR! This temporally unstable episode is our most ambitious yet - don't miss it!

Issue 168 - Kang the Conqueror

• Intro
  • Ant-Man & the Wasp: Quantumania coming out Feb. 17 - Anthony & Doc will do a review mini-episode after the film drops

• Background
  • Kang the Conqueror, Nathaniel Richards, created by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby
  • Due to Kang's time-traveling abilities, his backstory, and even creation, are difficult to pin down
  • Rama-Tut - first appeared in Fantastic Four #19 (Oct. 1963) - a time-traveling criminal from the year 3000 who went back to ancient Egypt
  • In Sept. 1964, in Avengers #8, Rama-Tut reveals he traveled to the year 4000 and is called Kang the Conqueror
  • Two months later (Nov. 1964), Immortus debuts in Avengers #10, and was later retroactively revealed as another variant of Kang
  • Another variant appears a few years later - the Scarlet Centurion (Avengers Annual #2 - Sept. 1968)
  • A heroic version was introduced in Young Avengers #1 (Feb. 2005) - Iron Lad
  • Later revealed that Kang is actually Nathaniel Richards, a descendant of Reed Richards' father
  • Reed's father traveled forward to the 31st century and brought peace to a war-ravaged Earth - it was here he had a child, named Nathaniel
  • Nathaniel grew up bored of the simple peace he lived, and when he was 16, he stole a time machine, traveled back to Egypt, and became Rama-Tut
  • He then traveled to the "present", where he met Dr. Doom and became inspired by him
  • Attempting to travel to his home timeline, he passed it by a thousand years, and upon learning that he can easily take over the war-torn planet, decides to go back to when Earth was fruitful so he can make it more worthwhile
  • Often shows up as a foe of the Avengers, but sometimes he battles the Fantastic Four
  • Major storylines:
    • Celestial Madonna - searching for a woman destined to carry a powerful child, he finds Mantis, but is thwarted by alternative versions of himself - here we learn that Immortus and Rama-Tut are also Kang, but after Kang overloads his armor, he destroys himself, deleting Immortus and Rama-Tut from existence as well
    • Council of Kangs - Three variants create a triumvirate to eliminate all other versions, but Ravonna (Kang's lover) tricks one of them into death before Immortus is destroyed by Prime Kang, the only one who remains
    • Avengers Forever - Kang rejects Immortus, and allies with the Avengers to prevent Immortus from allying with the Time Keepers - this involves keeping Rick Jones alive and Avengers from other timelines
    • Kang Dynasty - Kang, along with his son Marcus (operating as Scarlet Centurion), takes over the Earth in order to save it from a horrific future - although he initially conquers the world, he is defeated by the Avengers, with help from a traitorous clone of Marcus, who is infatuated with Carol Danvers (not unlike another version of Marcus)
    • Responsible for the creation of the Young Avengers - 16 year old Nate Richards is rescued by Kang and shown his future growth into the despot, but this horrifies young Nate, and he uses the time-travel technology and transports himself to the past, where he arrives as the Avengers have been disassembled - he downloads the Vision's operating system into his armor, and this amalgamation (Iron Lad) assembles a new team of younger heroes to prevent Kang from rising up in the first place

• Issues
  • Hedonic adaptation and the Diderot Effect
  • Narcissism
  • Technophilia

• Treatment theme: Anything, but not everything
  • In-universe -
  • Out of universe -

• Skit
  • KANG: And now, my boy, it is time for you to DIE!
  • DOC: Wait, it's not supposed to happen like this!
  • * warp sound* IRON LAD: Doctor Issues, I presume?
  • DOC: What the - who the - what the -
  • IRON LAD: I understand, the whole time manipulation thing can be overwhelming.
  • DOC: But you were just trying to kill me!
  • IRON LAD: Oh no, sorry, that's a different me.
  • DOC: Excuse me?
  • IRON LAD: You can call me Iron Lad. Or Nate.
  • DOC: So you're NOT trying to kill me?
  • IRON LAD: Nope, definitely not. I had to warp you out of there, because if you died, it throws the entire timeline outta whack.
  • DOC: But you look just like the guy I was in there…
  • IRON LAD: Yeah, he's me from the future, but he showed me what it looked like, and I want absolutely nothing to do with that. So I went back to the past, which is your present, to stop myself from becoming him in the future. But the Avengers were gone, so I found the Vision's brain and downloaded it into my armor, and now here I am.
  • DOC: I'm so confused…
  • IRON LAD: I don't blame you. Sometimes I have to remind myself of who I am now, not who I was or who I might be.
  • DOC: So what happens now?
  • IRON LAD: I'm going to put you back in your office, just a liiiiitle bit earlier in the timestream, so you don't make the mistakes that lead up to whatever it was that made Kang want to kill you.
  • DOC: That's just it, I don't even remember what it was. He just got up out of the chair and pointed a weapon at me.
  • IRON LAD: Sadly, that's just how he is. He gets this idea in his head, and no matter what anyone says or does, he will do it come hell or high water. Sometimes I think I do it because I don't want anyone else dictating my destiny.
  • DOC: Are we talking about him or you?
  • IRON LAD: Uhh… ok, time to send you back now, good luck!
  • DOC: Oh no, don't warp me like this, it feels like I'm *warp sound* drowning in-
  • KANG: - the annals of history are *simultaneously* drowning in-
  • DOC: Gaaaaah!
  • KANG: You primitive dare interrupt Kang! You inadvertently prove my point about the vast majority of individuals who are mindless filler for the planet. Important resources wasted on people who can never comprehend how trivial their existence is to the grand scheme of time and history. That is one of my goals, to separate those who are worthy to share in the existence I plan on ushering forth from these… carbon-based cretins. And so far, you have done nothing to dissuade me from counting you in the latter group.
  • DOC: Sorry, it's just… I wasn't feeling like myself. As to your point, philosophers have discussed the value of human existence for millenia.
  • KANG: Those simpering academics? Bah. Very few are capable of acknowledging the meaningless of their lives, and ironically it is those who are best equipped to assist me in my plans.
  • DOC: So… you're looking for nihilists?
  • KANG: Only in nihilism can you find the ultimate freedom.
  • DOC: I don't understand. You keep speaking in circles, can you please be direct and just - talk to me?
  • KANG: Have we not been conversing this entire time?
  • *Warp sound* RAMA-TUT: Don't listen to me, I can get a little long-winded sometimes.
  • DOC: What the hell?
  • RAMA-TUT: I am Rama-Tut. The me you were in there with is an older version of me, long after I took over ancient Egypt.
  • DOC: How many of you are there?
  • RAMA-TUT: There are as many variants of me as there are grains of sand in the desert.
  • DOC: That's… unsettling. But why did you take me out of the session?
  • RAMA-TUT: The machinations of Rama-Tut are far beyond your ken. You need only know this: for the universe to avoid never ending calamity, not only must you survive, but you must kill Kang.
  • DOC: Dude, if you know ANYTHING about me, you'd know I am not going to kill anyone.
  • RAMA-TUT: All mortals have limits, and in order to preserve all of existence, you must push beyond yours. This has been foreseen, and not only by me, but by all Kangs. Why do you think he allowed himself to be captured and brought to you?
  • DOC: But why me? Literally anyone else could do a better job at that than me.
  • RAMA-TUT: If I divulge that information to you, it would create dangerous ripples throughout the timestream. You must simply trust what I tell you.
  • DOC: Not gonna happen.
  • RAMA-TUT: Nevertheless, I will return you to your session, slightly earlier than before. Take this, it is a chronosword. You must use it to strike down Kang. It will be shielded from him until you are ready to use it.
  • DOC: No, no, no *warp sound* for the last time-
  • KANG: A rather foreboding introduction, Doctor. You speak as though we have met before.
  • DOC: Uh, what I meant to say was-
  • KANG: I have no doubt that my… variants have attempted to persuade you to kill me, have they not?
  • DOC: I'm not exactly sure how client confidentiality works in this type of situation, but I'm gonna go ahead and just say I can't tell you what I spoke to anyyou else about.
  • KANG: It matters not. I have foreseen this all. The entire series of events that led me, you, us to this moment. I have orchestrated what to your mind would be an incomprehensible amount of coincidences, all building up to my single greatest triumph yet.
  • DOC: Not to be entirely self-deprecating, but if your greatest triumph involves me, somehow I think we need to reestablish your definitions of "great" and "triumph".
  • KANG: So simple, and yet you have no idea your function as a keystone in the story still to be told. The annals of history are drowning in-
  • DOC: Drowning in- Gaaaah
  • KANG: You primitive dare interrupt Kang! You inadvertently prove my point about-
  • IMMORTUS: *warp sound* The irony of him daring call anyone primitive.
  • DOC: OK, you all have GOT to stop cutting me in & out. And which one are you?
  • IMMORTUS: I am IMMORTUS. And we haven't much time.
  • DOC: Now THAT'S ironic.
  • IMMORTUS: No, truly, the Time Keepers are hunting me down. I must inform you quickly. You are in grave danger.
  • DOC: Yeah, I got that already. You're the fourth… you to pull me out of the session already.
  • IMMORTUS: Fourth? *counts to self* that means there's still time then.
  • DOC: Again, we have nothing BUT time.
  • IMMORTUS: Not true at all. Listen to me, as soon as we return, you MUST kill Kang.
  • DOC: Like I told the other guy, that's not gonna happen.
  • IMMORTUS: You don't understand. You must do it before you are pulled from the timestream again. If you don't, the consequences to all of existence will be dire.
  • DOC: Yeah, I know, Kang will destroy the entire universe.
  • IMMORTUS: No, Doctor Issues. YOU will.
  • DOC: Wait, what?!?!
  • IMMORTUS: It would take far too much to explain, just know that… *beep* they're on to me. I must send you back now.
  • DOC: No, wait, come here and *warp sound* talk to me!
  • KANG: Have we not been conversing this entire time?
  • DOC: I…
  • KANG: Which one was it? The whiny child? Or the one who is so certain of his immortality he named himself after it?
  • DOC: Again, to avoid any problems with confidentiality, I can't divulge conversations with other clients, even if they're kinda sorta you. I mean, I know there have been some shenanigans here, but I don't want to keep repeating things, otherwise I might as well just be talking to myself…
  • KANG: You have no idea how right you are, my lad…
  • DOC: What does that mean?
  • KANG: He hasn't told you?
  • DOC: Who hasn't told me what?
  • KANG: Fascinating. Then there's still time for me. Allow me to disengage these restraints-
  • DOC: Hold on, those are state of the art, I worked with the designer personally to ensure-
  • KANG: Yes, but as you well know Doctor, you can't defend against yourself.
  • DOC: Huh?
  • KANG: And now, my boy, it is time for you to DIE!
  • NATHANIEL RICHARDS: *Warp sound* It's not supposed to happen like this.
  • DOC: Lemme guess, you're the "he" who's supposed to reveal some big secret that's going to change everything.
  • NATHANIEL: I am Nathaniel Richards. Father of Kang, Immortus, Rama-Tut, Iron Lad, and all Kangs across the multiverse. And I'm not just any "he", Doctor Issues. Or should I say… grandfather.
  • DOC: *flat* what
  • NATHANIEL: The timestreams have been merged and diverted so often things are broken. My own memory of how this came to be betrays me. But I know this: you are my grandfather, which makes you-
  • DOC: Ancestor of Kang.
  • NATHANIEL: Indeed. I had hoped to get this information to you sooner, but I was attacked by-
  • DOC: At this point, does it really matter? My entire life, my entire identity, has been thrown into question. And I don't care how much you look or sound like me, I need this information straight from the source.
  • NATHANIEL: What?
  • DOC: I have to go back to Kang. I need to speak to him directly.
  • NATHANIEL: I cannot send you back to where I took you from, or you will die, and it will cause a cataclysmic chain reaction that will obliterate the very fabric of reality!
  • DOC: Then send me back to the moment when he decides I need to die.
  • NATHANIEL: I don't understand.
  • DOC: Look, when I get so much hearsay, I have to strip away all opinion. If Kang wants me dead, I don't need anyone else's interpretation. Whatever he does in that moment is the only thing that can resolve this. I am his provider, and it is my duty. If you are truly of my heritage, you'll understand this, and have some faith.
  • NATHANIEL: I admit I do not understand. But I do have faith. Just know that if this goes wrong, I cannot help you any further.
  • DOC: I know.
  • NATHANIEL: Then best of luck to you, grandfather. *warp sound*
  • DOC: Hello Kang, I'm… Doctor Issues. For the last time…
  • KANG: A rather foreboding introduction, Doctor. You speak as though we have met before.
  • DOC: Tell me why.
  • KANG: That's… no…
  • DOC: I may not understand, but I'm ready.
  • KANG: No no no NO NO DAMN YOU NATHANIEL.
  • DOC: Don't blame him, this right now is about why you feel the way you do about me.
  • KANG: For someone who claims to have an advanced education, your understanding of things is below rudimentary. You are responsible for the creation of these other… inferior variants. Ergo, I eliminate you, and they are gone.
  • DOC: As are you.
  • KANG: The threat of vanishing from existence has not stopped me before, and it won't now. Not when I'm so close to having all that I need. Besides, if there's no risk, there's no reward.
  • DOC: Then why do you tell me every time? You are holding something back. From yourself. I can help you confront it. Maybe no one has to die.
  • KANG: You are willing to gamble the fate of the entirety of existence on your ability to speak? We truly are related, ancestor, and I admire your boldness.
  • DOC: Only you would know this. Take us to the moment where we can have the greatest influence.
  • KANG: Very well. Prepare yourself, Doctor. This will be a showdown for the ages. *warp sound*
  • KANG 1: *background*Fascinating. Then there's still time for me. Allow me to disengage these restraints-
  • DOC 1: Hold on, those are state of the art, I worked with the designer personally to ensure-
  • KANG 1: Yes, but as you well know Doctor, you can't defend against yourself.*end background*
  • KANG 2: Here we are.
  • DOC 2: And here you come. To think, he gets all the glory. What does that make you?
  • KANG 2: You clever… Now I know where I get it from. *to Kang 1* You're absolutely right!
  • DOC 1: Huh? *realizes there's another version of him & Kang in the room* WHAT IS HAPPENING
  • KANG 2: And now, my boy, it is time for YOU to DIE!
  • KANG 1: No, this cannot be!
  • DOC 1: Why are there two mes?
  • DOC 2: Long story short, it's all a big timey-wimey ball.
  • DOC 1: How did we end up allying with HIM?!?!
  • DOC 2: Don't worry about that. Just do me a favor, and keep an eye on who our daughter marries in the future.
  • DOC 1: What?
  • DOC 2: Looks like my Kang has your Kang cornered…
  • DOC 1: But he's our… my… patient. I can't let him just do this.
  • DOC 2: If you knew what I know-
  • DOC 1: But I don't, and I took an oath. If you're not going to protect a person that you're responsible for, then I will.
  • DOC 2: Wait!
  • KANG 2: If I were a primitive I might feel shame about ending the life of someone who looks like me. But at this point…
  • KANG 1: Spoken like a true primitive. Alas, you will be the one to fall.
  • DOC 1: Noooo….
  • KANG 1 & KANG 2: *blasts*
  • DOC 1: AAAAAAHHHH
  • KANG 1: *dying* Why?
  • KANG 2: *dying* You simpleton… you have shattered the timestream…
  • DOC 1: *dying* I… I took an oath…
  • DOC 2: And the first part is do no harm…
  • DOC 1: Nok… *dies*

• Ending
  • Mention timescrew as we come out of the skit
  • Recommended reading: Kang Dynasty
  • Next episodes: Animal sidekicks, Claire Voyant, Penguin
  • Plugs for social

References:

• Lisa Simpson - Anthony

Apple Podcasts: here

Google Play: here

Stitcher: here

TuneIn: here

iHeartRadio: here

Twitter

Facebook

TikTok

Patreon

TeePublic

Discord