Mr Godwin is looking for love. Unfortunately he is looking for it on an app provided by his new next door neighbour

who has built a casino in his loft. Can Mr Godwin beats the odds to find love before the council offices open on

Wednesday or has he had his chips?

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

Geoff the Baker spins right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round, round, round.

But he hasn't thought this though, and is now dizzy.

______

SPIV: Previously on Cat Noir…

Short summary of the last episode over the end version of the CAT NOIR THEME

SPIV: Cat Noir presents… Dates are not the only fruit. Written and performed by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

SCENE ONE: Restaurant

Mr Godwin is in a restaurant with a variety of females. The scene plays as a montage with Mr Godwin doing a voiceover with no background sounds on those lines.

MR GODWIN: (Voiceover) I started to use the app, just as my neighbour had shown me. After months of not getting any matches, I changed my profile picture to that of Brad Pitt. Again, another useful suggestion from next door. Suddenly I was matching with someone new every day. However, I never realised dating could be so hard…

MISS DYSON: …so I said to them, "you'll never take me alive coppers!"

MR GODWIN: I don't condone gun violence or disrespecting the law.

MISS DYSON: Don't worry I didn't kill anyone that time.

MR GODWIN: That time?

MAMA: Come to me baby.

MR GODWIN: I'm not sure this is appropriate in a public place.

MAMA: Sit on my lap and lick my face.

MR GODWIN: I think I've left the gas on. I better hurry home.

MAMA: Oh dear. Once you turn the gas on, there is no way to stop the pressure in the pipes. If you get my drift.

MR GODWIN: I'm not sure I do.

MAMA: You can't just turn the gas on and then off straight away. You will need to do some cooking.

MR GODWIN: Right. Erm… What… What are we cooking?

MAMA: Anything. The gas is on full and I am boiling in the pan.

MR GODWIN: I don't understand.

MAMA: I'm dripping over the side and streaming up the room.

MR GODWIN: I really do need to leave.

GORMLESS: I'm a maid in a county house and I'm Gormless.

MR GODWIN: You're what?

GORMLESS: Gormless. That's my name sir.

MR GODWIN: Please don't call me that. Try Philip.

GORMLESS: Yes Mr Philip sir.

MR GODWIN: I'm sure your profile said your name was Trixie. And it's just Philip. No sir.

GORMLESS: I don't use my real name on the app Just Philip, no sir. You can never be too careful. There's a lot of weirdos about.

MR GODWIN: Indeed.

GORMLESS: I do hope this date is taking place before the Bumpkin Manor episodes, or I'm dead. Now there's a funny thought. Have you ever dated anyone who might be dead?

MR GODWIN: (Voiceover) I'd had enough. There is only so much one can take. I headed back home to visit my neighbour.

SCENE TWO: The casino

Mr Godwin is in Spiv's house. He continues his voiceover, but it is clear he has been relaying this information to Spiv.

MR GODWIN: After that date, we had another a few days later. I thought everything was going well. Then she never replied to any more of my messages.

SPIV: Sounds like she's ghosted you.

MR GODWIN: My god. I hope she isn't dead.

SPIV: Nah. Ghosting. She's not an actual ghost, she just decided not to continue talking to you.

MR GODWIN: Well, why didn't she say that?

SPIV: Just the way it works governor. You chat, go on a date then never speak again.

MR GODWIN: She could have just said she didn't want to chat anymore.

SPIV: It's the way dating is in this day and age. Don't worry, there's plenty more fishfingers in the sea.

MR GODWIN: I chatted to one lady for a whole week. Every ten minutes, message after message, then when I suggested we meet up, she said we didn't have a connection.

Listen in to get more...

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mr Godwin can't get any rest, as his new neighbour is making too much noise,

so he turns to his old friend Agony Aunt to find a solution.

Will the council help before Mr Godwin is forced to seek the advice of MC Hammer?

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

Geoff the Baker has good neighbours. Just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day.

------------------

SCENE ONE: Mr Godwin's front room

We are in the front room of perennially annoyed Mr Godwin. There are muffled but loud construction sounds coming from next door. Mr Godwin is on the phone but we can only hear his side of the conversation.

MR GODWIN: (on the phone) So it's been going on for two weeks now… yes, two weeks. (pause) Well, I'd like to know what you are going to do about it. (pause) So there's nothing you can do? Right. (pause and then incredulously) You suggest I call who? (pause) The police or the council! I haven't got time for that. I thought, as you had phoned me to try and scam me out of my life savings, that maybe we could come to some arrangement where I release the equity on my house and you, in turn, deal with my noisy neighbour. (pause) Hello! Hello! Ah… I can't hear you anyway.

Construction sounds are now too loud, so he ends the calls.

MR GODWIN: Right. Time for my favourite programme. Just pop the TV on.

Mr Godwin turns on the TV and we hear CAT NOIR THEME

MR GODWIN: Cat Noir presents…

The theme and voiceover can barely be heard… there is too much construction work happening.

MR GODWIN: I said, Cat Noir Presents… Home under… I best shut these windows.

Mr Godwin shuts two windows. The construction sounds are still too loud.

MR GODWIN: I still can't hear myself think. I'll shut the doors too.

He shuts two doors and the sounds abate.

MR GODWIN: That's better. Now, where was I. Oh yes. Cat Noir Presents… Home under the hammer.

The sounds increase again with new equipment being used.

MR GODWIN: (shouting) Written and performed by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

The sounds have stopped but Mr Godwin hasn't noticed.

MR GODWIN: (Still shouting) I think I'll make some tea.

SPIV: (OOV - next door) Keep it down mate. Some of us are trying to rest.

MR GODWIN: Right. I've had enough of this. Two weeks this has been going on. Two weeks.

He opens the lounge door and exits the home through the front door, crossing the shingle drive to his neighbours house.

SCENE TWO: Doorstep - next door

At his neighbours, Mr Godwin rings the doorbell. The door opens.

SPIV: Yes. Oh hello.

MR GODWIN: Oh no. Not you.

SPIV: What. I've never met you before.

MR GODWIN: Yes you have, loads of times. My house got invaded and we fought the intruder off together with the help of a lost boy. SPIV: (Pause) No. I think I'd remember that.

MR GODWIN: You ruined my Christmas. Twice.

SPIV: Did I?

MR GODWIN: Hmm. What are you doing next door?

SPIV: I'm your new neighbour. Hello bunk buddy.

MR GODWIN: (flustered) Yes, well… what? Bunk Buddies we are not. Neighbours we are.

SPIV: (in Yoda voice) Speak like Yoda, you do.

MR GODWIN: I do not, no. (throws hands up) Ah. Look what you've turned me into.

SPIV: A cheap star wars knock off.

MR GODWIN: No. A moaning neighbour.

SPIV: Well, stop moaning and go back to your own house then.

MR GODWIN: I won't and I have questions.

SPIV: Hit me then. I meant metaphorically, don't actually strike my face, I'm very attached to my features.

MR GODWIN: Why are you making so much noise?

SPIV: Easy question. I'm having something put into my loft.

MR GODWIN: What?

SPIV: A casino.

MR GODWIN: A casino?

Listen in to hear more

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Filthy, frazzled, foul-smelling, and largely friendless in a world too big to make sense,

Stargazers Bundy and Ted are faced with some difficult choices in their quest to return to normal size.

Part 4 of a 4 part story.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

There has been a recall on Geoff the Baker’s new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake pies.

If you have one, please do not eat it. There will be no further announcements regarding this product.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With the butterflies disgruntled and woodlice chomping on the floorboards, Stargazers Bundy and Ted

hope for more promising answers from the return of Tim the ladybird. Meanwhile, elsewhere,

the greenfly don’t seem too happy. Part 3 of a 4 part story.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Following multiple announcements, Geoff the Baker’s new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake

pie has attracted a lot of attention from the media and hospitals.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With a whole new perspective of the observatory floor, stargazers Bundy and Ted meet some of the wildlife

and learn what they really think about humans. Part 2 of a 4 part story.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker proudly announces that his new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake pie is now available.

Come to think of it, the first announcement last week probably wasn’t required.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Stargazers Bundy and Ted are in for a fun surprise at the hands of a strange new mystery parcel, which comes complete with incredibly vague instructions.

Part 1 of a 4 part story.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker proudly announces an upcoming announcement about a new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake pie.

Stay tuned for further announcements.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Cat Noir Comedy Podcast Season 8.

The weekly season.

Join us every 7 days for 12 weeks of fun.

Bundy I shrunk the Ted 1

Bundy I shrunk the Ted 2

Bundy I shrunk the Ted 3

Bundy I shrunk the Ted 4

Home under the hammer

Dates are not the only fruit

War of the Whelks (Part One)

War of the Whelks (Part Two)

Revenge of the Whelks

Public Domain

The Knowing Wink of Podcast Zero

Patrick MacNee's Missing TV

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Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast.

Follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters, born from sketches but forged in the stories we tell.

There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

Don't mind Geoff the Baker he's just socially awkward.

---------

www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Announcement!

Cat Noir will be releasing 12 episodes weekly from Feb 2026 and then again later in the year.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. 

Original artwork by Maisie Chilvers. Social media management by Laurie Stone. 

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker is up to something.

Omx0bDflDGVAeJOieRYc

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The four survivors of Flight 935 have been saved, but at what cost.

As a devious plot to restart a chocolate empire puts Insert and Agatha in danger, Danny and Warren are forced to complete a dangerous mission in the heart of occupied Herring territory and not everyone is getting out alive.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

Artwork by Maisie Chilvers. Social media management by Laurie Stone.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

Geoff the Baker is interesting.

Sorry, he advises he actually said he is "into resting" and is off for a nap.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The four survivors of flight 935 have been stranded on the island again, but this time it won't be for long. 

After covering themselves in feathers to keep cool, Warren's past catches up with him and Insert and Agatha are kidnapped by a birdwatcher. 

Danny just wants to get home and put his feet up.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

Artwork by Maisie Chilvers. Social media management by Laurie Stone.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

Geoff the Baker reports he has Pteronophobia.

That's a fear of feathers. Yes, I had to google it too. 

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.