Cat Noir Comedy Podcast

With the game birds regrouped and vastly outnumbering them, Major Caine Michaels and his rag‑tag band of farmers brace for an inevitable final assault.

As the skies fill with ariel support from the ever‑reliable Captain Wiggles, tensions rise within the farm walls.

Ammunition is scarce, intelligence even more so, whilst suspicions grow about who armed the birds in the first place.

So ends the battle for Cranny Nook Farm in this very pheasant war.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com

Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker is busy… googling himself.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"We shall defend our feathers, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the moors, we shall fight on the farmlands,

we shall fight in the fields and in the scrubs, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

Tipping the balance of society, a shady organisation has armed all British Game Birds so that they are able to fight back.

A small group of farmers are trapped in a valley, with no way out. This is the battle for Cranny Nook Farm.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

Geoff the Baker is a big fan of Taylor Swift. He has all her records.

She has asked for them back but Geoff has hidden them. See if you can find any before there is bad blood.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

First came the noir classic: Strangers on a Train. Then, decades later: Throw Momma from a Train. Following that was: Snakes on a Plane,

although it had nothing to do with the first two. And now, finally, after all these years… there’s this.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com

Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker took a train once. He put it back as he had no use for it.

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K [as Terence]: Here’s my idea…

M [as Trent]: Go on.

K [as Terence]: 2 fellows meet, accidentally, like you and me; no connection at all. They’ve never seen each other before, and each one has someone that he’d like to get rid of… your wife, and my boss…

M [as Trent]: Hmmm.

K [as Terence]: So, they swap murders.

M [as Trent]: Swap murders?

K [as Terence]: Each fellow does the other fellow’s murder, and then there’s nothing to connect them. Each one has murdered a total stranger. Like… you do my murder… and I’ll do yours… Your wife… My boss… Criss cross. Just like that old movie.

M [as Trent]: What, Annie?

K [as Terence]: No, the other one.

M [as Trent]: Strangers on a Train.

K [as Terence]: That’s it.

M [as Trent]: Well, it’s an intriguing if somewhat fanciful notion, though I expect, as is the case with many film scripts, it’s not actually worth considering in real life.

K [as Terence]: Whyever not? For all you know, the Arc of the Covenant may well be stored in some hidden American warehouse. Why can’t this script be played out too?

M [as Trent]: Dammit, man! You’re talking about murder – a repulsive act no human being should ever subject themselves to beyond fiction!

K [as Terence]: But why, old boy? Let the fiction become real, I say!

M [as Trent]: Surely, you don’t mean that?

K [as Terence]: Of course I do. The way I see it, there are 2 strangers on this train, each bound for dreadful destinations where both fellows are likely to have furniture thrown at them.

M [as Trent]: I’d say it’s a definite.

K [as Terence]: But it doesn't have to be! If each fellow were to attend to the murderous needs of the other, then we could both reach our destinations feeling a rejuvenated sense of freedom.

M [as Trent]: Well, I don’t know if it’s only because I’m stuck here listening to you or not, but your idea is actually starting to make sense.

K [as Terence]: Of course, old boy. Criss cross. Your wife. My boss. If each of us plays our share of the game fairly, then neither shall ever have a chair thrown at them again.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a fable as old as the hills; the tragic story of two quarrelling households becoming a generations long feud.

So, cosy up with the Burpingtons and the Windbuckets, as they tell their tale of heartache and flatulence.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com

Magic flute and Harp arpeggios by gertraut_hecher -- https://freesound.org/s/561156/ and https://freesound.org/s/560524/ - License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker is away judging a massive Yorkshire pudding competition, though he won’t say if it’s the Yorkshire puddings or the competition that’s massive.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The chase continues across the spaghetti junctions of the M6. Can Gavin and Chip escape the lorry that's been tailing them

or will they be pushed off the road to face a fiery death on the hard shoulder.

Geoff the Baker advises that there could be some confusion with the small print about him on the last episode, and

would like to point out that he is not a vampire, he just enjoys merlot.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. 

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk

#britishcomedy #comedyseries #ukcomedy #storytelling #comedyvideo #funny #catnoir #scary #silly #surreal

Buy the Creeping Jazz novel here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ

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SCENE FOUR: LOCAL GARAGE

Gavin and chip are inside the shop. Mr Boombastic, the owner, is behind the counter. Gavin throws some items before him. There is horrible shop music playing.

GAVIN: Here you go mate.

MR BOOMBASTIC: One a penny, two a penny, hot crossed buns.

GAVIN: What? You? How are you here. I met you in the last garage I went to. 50 miles ago.

MR BOOMBASTIC: What. I own this garage and only this one garage. Not a second garage. Just one. Right here. You are standing in the only garage I own as I do not have a second one.

GAVIN: Glad you made that clear. Thank you. We've met before.

MR BOOMBASTIC: We have not.

GAVIN: I know you, you sing.

MR BOOMBASTIC: I don't normally do that, but if you want me to, I will. Prepare yourself for an aural onslaught.

GAVIN: Talk about déjà vu.

MR BOOMBASTIC: I do not know that song. The only French song I know is 99 red balloons.

GAVIN: That's German. No, I mean we met this morning and had this same conversation.

MR BOOMBASTIC: My brother owes a garage like this fifty miles away. He also likes to sing. Although, of course he can't. He will tell you that he wants to be on TV. (plugs in a microphone) I do not want to be on TV but I do, have the voice of (with reverb) an angel.

GAVIN: Yes, certainly something that's died. Hey, Chip, come here!

CHIP: What?

GAVIN: You won't believe this.

Chip walks to the counter. He places items on the counter throughout the next exchange.

MR BOOMBASTIC: Chip?

CHIP: Hello.

MR BOOMBASTIC: No, I was offering you a chip.

CHIP: Oh. That just happens to be my name too.

MR BOOMBASTIC: My name isn't chip.

CHIP: (sighs) This guy is hard work.

GAVIN: Says you.

CHIP: What does that mean?

GAVIN: You are Mr Hard work city.

CHIP: I'm not a place where people live mate.

MR BOOMBASTIC: And neither am I. Although my middle name is Potter's Bar.

GAVIN: I do sometimes wonder if I'm trapped in some kind of comedy series.

CHIP: Hmm. As the straight man.

GAVIN: Yes. What?

CHIP: Gonna grab some snacks.

Chip wanders off and starts throwing bags of sweets onto the counter.

MR BOOMBASTIC: Very funny. This friend of yours Mr Chips. He knows what is right and wrong.

GAVIN: Mr Chips?

MR BOOMBASTIC: Yes, sorry… what is Mr Chips doing?

GAVIN: I don't know. Say what you see.

MR BOOMBASTIC: He is putting bags and bags of sweets on my counter. He is filling up the whole counter. Now he has filled the middle square. Is he going to buy them?

CHIP: It's a good guess, but it's not quite right. Gavin's going to buy them for me. He owes me after I saved his life AGAIN.

GAVIN: I don't think that's true and I'm not buying you sweets.

MR BOOMBASTIC: I would buy him sweets if he saved my life.

GAVIN: Well you are not me.

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On his way to a job interview in Birmingham, Gavin Walters picks up a hitchhiker, unaware he is being followed by a lorry eager to get his attention.

Can they escape before they are forced to eat at a two-star motorway service?

Geoff the Baker occasionally enjoys a little glass of red.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. 

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk

#britishcomedy #comedyseries #ukcomedy #storytelling #comedyvideo #funny #catnoir #scary #silly #surreal

Buy the Creeping Jazz novel here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ

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SCENE FOUR: LORRY CAB

We hear a lorry following Gavin. Inside the cab there is terrible music playing on the radio. The DJ talks over the music.

DJ (Over the radio): You're listening to Big Lorry FM. Fairly middling music for those behind the wheel of a two-ton truck. Be careful driving those streets today, the summer is hot and unforgiving. I always wear a hat to protect my head. You need to protect your head, as it's where most of us keep our brains, however, not all of us, and talking of the royal family…

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As the story becomes increasingly unfocussed due to sloppy writing, Kev and Matt finally learn the truth of The Pie Man.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com

Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker said he’ll be back when we stop mocking pies. So, next week. 

www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Pie Man strikes again, leaving a helpless town to become more pastry than people. Will he succeed in his diabolical schemes, or will everything turn to crust and crumbs?

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com

Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

No word from Geoff the Baker yet, but we’ve left messages. 

www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hide your children. Flush your pets. Lock away old people. The Pie Man has come to town.

And he won’t be leaving until he knows everyone’s favourite recipe.

Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers.

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast

Geoff the Baker is co-incidentally out of town. 

www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Whilst running a session, a therapist is surprised to discover he is actually the patient.

However things take a really strange turn when another therapist arrives.

Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. 

Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .

www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk

#britishcomedy #comedyseries #ukcomedy #storytelling #comedyvideo #funny #catnoir #scary #silly #surreal

Buy the Creeping Jazz novel here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ

Geoff the Baker is trapped inside a bag, inside a box, inside a bag, inside a box, that's inside a bag,

that's inside a box, wrapped in a bag, that might be in a box, in a bag, in a box, in a boxed bag of boxes,

hidden in a box of bags, bagged up in a box… look, let's just cut to the chase here.

Geoff needs help, send it now!

Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.