Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast

Neil Kulkarni, Sarah Bee and Al Needham get stuck into the hellscape of 1986, and discover that it’s not that rammel, actually. We gaze upon the even-toed ungulate splendour of Gary Davies – a man who divides his time between going out on the pull with Brian Tilsley, bringing peace upon the houses of Fine Young Cannibals and Matt Bianco, and making the sex workers of Amsterdam plunge through windows to get at him, only to discover that he’s got a horrible jacket on. Big Country prepare to get properly massive, but und up buried under the weight of their record company’s expectations and really expensive Success Coats. Falco gets reduced into a tiny box, like the baddies in Superman. And A-Ha get all creative with a keyboard and some masking tape… 

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Sarah Bee and Neil Kulkarni join Al Needham and prepare for some serious loin-girding as they prepare to tackle an episode of The Pops from the unappealing middle bit of the Aydeez – a neon wasteland where the Dinosaurs of Pop are running rampant in their Success Coats with sleeves a-rolled. But first, a flick through that week’s NME, and a vital BPT update…   

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The latest episode of the podcast which asks; have any of Team Chart Music done a streak?

It’s late January, but the inflatable Jimmy Savile-as-Santa is still hanging off the roof of the Chart Music house and the wreath that looks like DLT still hangs on the door as we prepare to tuck into another end-of-year splurge of Pop, as our favourite Thursday evening pop treat gets shunted to a Friday teatime and another Selection Box of the hits of the year gets ripped into. 

‘Tis the arse-end of 1974, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, and a definitely end-of-era feel hangs over this episode. Glam is in its last knockings, the teenybop icons are starting to fade, the brickies in Eyeliner are just brickies now, Mock n’ Roll is in the ascendancy, the Pop Famine of 1975/6 is beckoning, and although there’s much to love here, this could well be the very last episode of the Golden Age of Top Of The Pops. Noel Edmonds and Dave Lee Travis are on hand to take us through the smash hits of the year that weren’t introduced by Tony Blackburn and Jinglenonce OBE on Xmas Day, and are fucking unbearable. 

Musicwise, like all end-of-year shows, it’s your typical running-away-from-a-crocodile episode. The Rubettes pitch up for a victory lap with a flashing bow tie. John Denver goes on about his missus again, before he takes a chainsaw to their bed. Alvin displays the most amazing standwork ever on TOTP if you discount Brian Connolly breaking one over his knee, before George McCrae attempts to introduce the TOTP Orchestra to Disco as he stands over a leftover turkey carcass. Stephanie De Sykes represents the Kings Oak Massive, and then Sparks completely go off. The Glitter Band do a Nazi love gesture at Bad King Gary as he performs his great lost Number One. Sylvia tells a load of underaged Osmonds fans about how she got her end away in Spain this summer. Queen set down a marker for their dominance of the next few years. Ray Stevens fails to get his cock out. After Suzi Quatro says goodbye to the massive bluescreen, the most perfect #1 single EVER is desecrated by the TOTPO. Terry Jacks reminds us that he’s still dying, and we close with the Blokes Of Pop taking over and claiming dominance of the year, while Travis plays a Christmas Tree. So long, Early Seventies, you were MINT and SKILL and we’ll never see your like again.

Taylor Parkes and Rock Expert David Stubbs join Al Needham for a celebration of all things ’74, veering off on such tangents as blind West Ham left-backs, Noele Gordon’s musical career, five year-olds demanding to be let into sex shops, the era-defining genius of Yus My Dear, disturbing scenes at Wombles gigs, a re-imagining of Do They Know It’s Christmas written by Chinnichap, and the introduction of the parlour game that’s going to sweep the dinner parties of 2023 – Pantomime Horse. HAPPY NEW SWEARING, POP-CREAZED YOUNGSTERS… 

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David Stubbs, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham conclude their excavation of the last TOTP of 1974. After Ray Stevens lets us all down by refusing to lob it out, Suzy Quatro drops the last ever Glam Bomb and then – YESSSS! Carl Douglas gives another demonstration of Chinese-lettered-pyjama funk with the most perfect Number One EVER. Terry Jacks reminds us that he’s clinging on to life. And then the winners of 1974 – along with West Germany and Harold Wilson, twice – pitch up to remind us that for the next few years, the charts are going to be under the reign of the Blokes of Pop…  

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Taylor Parkes and David Stubbs go deeper on the last TOTP of 1974 with Al Needham, and recoil at Dave Lee Travis looking none more Gnasher-like as he salivates over Stephanie De Sykes and then we’re hit with Another Chance To See the debut performance of Sparks, the Great Lost Gary Glitter Number One, Another Chance To See Sylvia telling some very young Osmonds fans about how she slagged it about in Spain this summer, and some very unfair jokes at the expense of Brian May…

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David Stubbs, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham begin their odyssey into the second part of TOTP’s review of ’74, but not before another few rounds of Pantomime Horse and having to deal with the rampaging egos of Noel Edmonds and The Living Gnasher Badge. The first #1 single that ever enraged Al is up first, then John Denver bangs on about his missus eight years before he ends up taking a chainsaw to their bed, followed by world-class mic-standsmanship by Alvin, and George McCrae gets into even more trouble with his missus as he emotes over a turkey carcass, and we don’t. Know. Why.

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The latest episode of the podcast which asks; have any of Chart Music ever had to deal with a Hard Lovin’ Woman?

As listeners to the World’s Greatest Podcast About Middle-Aged Hacks Banging On About Old Episodes Of Top Of The Pops, you’ll be fully aware of the general consensus on Nineteen Eighty, Pop-Crazed Youngsters; that it was the trough between the stratospheric peaks of ’79 and ’81. But in this episode, the case for the defence is comprehensively laid out, and if you’re here for the coat-downs, you’re going to be disappointed, because this episode is a bit SKILL.

We’re on the cusp of the Great Pop Famine of 1980 – which cost us six issues of NME and MM each and nine portions of our Favourite Thursday Evening Fizzy Pop Treat – and into the final month of the reign of Robin Nash. But although he’s on his way out, he’s already attempted to drag the show into the Aydeez by raiding the petty cash till for a new set – including a gun tower – and giving a debut cap to the Vicar of Rock himself, a 39 year-old Tommy Vance, who immediately puts himself about and makes a good account of himself, with one or two exceptions.

Musicwise, it’s a broad and diverse spread of 1980 fare. Leon Haywood gives the youth some timely advice about pegging. New Musik finally get their moment on Chart Music. There’s a chance to see American Pipou on Soul Train. The Chords represent the Mod Revival by disguising themselves as Generation X, before we’re hit by a megablast of Dadisfaction broadcast live from Bodie and Doyle’s living room. Then it’s a one-two-three punch of RRRROCKK from Whitesnake, Saxon and Motörhead, interrupted by Errol Brown’s mashed potato-mountain of a single, an obligatory dollop of the Nolans, another chance for us to drool over the Beat, Kate Bush being a clingfilm foetus, and a thrilling Number One where the Kids get hit in the face with a holdall, which they deserve for being so sullen and bovine.

Simon Price and Neil Kulkarni join Al Needham for a rampage through the middle of the Eighventies, and the tangents come thick and fast, including the correct way to modify a Harrington, the Nagasaki Hellblaster, Skinhead Discos, which living room accoutrements would make the best weapons against a home invasion of Street Punks, how Sham 69 got their name, tales of Machete Max, was Lemmy the Father Seamus Fitzpatrick of Metal, and the introduction of The BPT. SWEARING!

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Neil Kulkarni, Simon Price and Al Needham hit the final straight on this very decent episode of The Pops. After getting our obligatory serving of the Nolans, it’s the double-Harringtoned attack of The Beat, Kate Bush prepares to go Zorbing in a nudist camp, there’s a GLORIOUS Number One, and then we have to listen to Johnny Logan’s pain over some kaleidoscopic studio lights. And a BPT update!

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Simon Price, Neil Kulkarni and Al Needham continue their voyage into this episode of TOTP, and the thick musk of denim and leather is beginning to permeate the air. Whitesnake! Saxon! Motörhead! Three youths up the front giving themselves a headache! Rude t-shirts! Jimmy Ruffin in a Hawaiian shirt! Close Encounters of the Errol Brown kind! RRROCKKKK!   

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