Question:

How do we come to terms with the closure of a childhood friendship? What are ways to find contentment and peace when that friend no longer reaches out to us?

Submitted by listener, Emily

our childhood BFFs

Research moment: 1 in 10 friendships survive into adulthood

1. Children practice being a friend and there's a learning curve.

• Children are learning how to be humans and learning relationship is part of that.
• Cultural misunderstandings – childhood friendships are backbones of our relational lives

Research shows that having childhood friendships matters, but social support is what really has an impact longitudinally.

Study with middle schoolers: http://www.llcsjournal.org/index.php/llcs/article/view/214

• Learning the effort of friendship from models and mentors in our lives
• Naming the complexities of relationship for one another

1. Friendship sometimes lasts for a moment, a season, or a lifetime.

• Some friendships will end, every friendship doesn't have to be a lifetime relationship
• The difference between guilt and shame when a relationship ends
• Listening to the Spirit and your spirit for deciding where to put effort in friendships
• Taylor Swift, Long Pond Documentary - https://www.disneyplus.com/movies/folklore-the-long-pond-studio-sessions/3Xlc0EjKtKpp
• values and personalities more important over affinities and interests

Research link: https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/why-adolescent-friendships-end

• Concordia Publishing House values article:
• Honor the past as well as the present of the relationship v adding expectations, honor the other person's sacrifice as well

1. Growth mindset that allows grieving but also growing up.

• Friendships are best when the individuals grow in them, even if that means growing apart
• some people grow in the same direction and some in different directions, both are growth
• Non-judgment and letting people who they are
• Effort, asking for what you need, asking for what they need
• How to let go: allow yourself some space to grieve and be disappointed, connect with God's unchanging nature and friendship, experience grace around the friendship
• Honor it – reflect on good memories, consider what that relationship brought into your life and practice gratitude for the gift
• DBT with Dave – let the friendship be what it is ;)

Short answer: friendships have their seasons