Closeness

Every woman wants to be the best he's ever had. Almost none of them have been told how, because the man who could tell her has every reason to stay quiet.

Your husband has things he'd love you to know about sex and will never say to your face. After more than a decade of women coming to me to understand their own bodies, I've heard both sides, and most of it has nothing to do with tricks or performing. It has to do with showing up.

In this episode I give you ten unusual, practical ways to become an extraordinary lover: finding the middle between silence and performance, not being the pillow princess, letting your body speak, quieting the insecurities that pull you out of the room, dropping your armor, grooming and getting checked, looking hard at your "won't" list, knowing one orgasm isn't the ceiling, and staying with him when you come.

Listen nextIf the Sex Isn't Good Now, Marriage Won't Fix It→

1:00time how to be a better lover. Strange question to bring to a man until you realize I'm the man they actually trust to answer it. I'm Tari, founder of Closeness and For over a decade, women have come to me to figure out their own bodies and stop guessing about what's working. So today, unapologetically, I'm going to teach you 10 unusual ways that you can become a genuinely better lover. Most of them will be things you've never been told and at least a couple your husband or boyfriend is dying for you to hear but may never say to your face. Let me go ahead and get ahead of the obvious objections now. Why have you never got a straight answer before? Because if you ask a man, how am I in bed? What can I do for you? What turns you on? You almost certainly have been handed one of the dullest replies I've ever heard.

1:48I don't know. A shrug? Oh, you're perfect. Whatever you're doing is fine. I love everything that you do. And I think there are two reasons that men do this, and neither one is laziness. The first is well within your control, and that is that he has learned it is not safe for him to tell you the truth.

2:07The average woman handed one honest note about her own performance does not take it well. Well, she might get paranoid. She spirals. Some of you, and you know exactly who you are, will lose it entirely.

2:22Never forget the comment and not only make sure that you never do that one thing again, even if they say they like it. But you'll likely pull back, go cold, or punish your man for the rest of his life. So he's trapped. You asked for the feedback, but the feedback gets him punished. He learns through your exclusive teaching that to say you're amazing and keep the rest to himself. The second reason is simpler and a little sweeter. A lot of men feel lucky to be with you. He does think you're stunning. He thinks that whatever you do is wonderful. And the honest truth is that women have a very interesting unfair advantage over men in the bedroom. Because almost any way that you move, respond or breathe is somehow going to read as soft, feminine, sensual, adorable or vulnerable. So a great deal gets forgiven long before he's ever had the chance to think about it or even mention it. So between the man who won't take that risk with you and the man who's too smitten to notice, you end up in the same place. He says nothing. Or it was great, babe, no matter what happened. Or worse, he tells his friends and never tells you, and you're left guessing.

3:35Most women, if they're honest with themselves, have no idea where they land in this department.

3:40So I'm going to tell you 10 things. A few of them are going to be uncomfortable, but you tuned in. So I'm going to give it to you straight.

3:48Find the middle in the closeness. Principles for Mind Bending Sex I'm sure you've seen the publication. Everything sits on a spectrum and most women live at one end of it.

4:00At one end you go completely silent.

4:04Not a sound. He's working hard, he's giving you everything he has and you hand him nothing back.

4:11No feedback, no signal, no smiling or giggling, moaning or laughing.

4:16Generally just eyes winced shut or a head turned to the side with no proof of life. And you have to understand in the same way that if a man just laid there, and I know many of you are familiar with men just laying there, if you extremely deflating, and I would also say a little scary. On the other end of the spectrum, you perform. And I know a lot of you have been there too. Every touch met with a theatrical gasp. Eyes widening, some of you screaming the moment that your clit just gets brushed or tickled lightly. The whole thing narrated like a sports broadcast. And most men, at least the ones I know, don't like this over the top pornographic affairs. Most of us can tell we can always see the difference between what's real and what's staged. We just tolerate it because what are we Going to say to you in the middle of sex, stop the theatrics.

5:07So to be a better lover, it's important to find the middle. Let real sounds out, a breath, a moan that surprises even you. The small involuntary things that your body does when something actually feels good, those are worth more than anything you can manufacture. Number two, don't be the pillow princess. That's the term. That's the term for a woman who lies there and receives full stop. Now, this one is not for those of you who have husbands who selfishly have sex with you for 30 seconds to a minute, or 2 minutes to 5 minutes, finish themselves and then move on. This is for the women who love to get ravished, but indulge in it like a lifestyle. And listen. A genuinely skilled man will give it to you and give it to you well and. And damn, is it great to take all that in. He'll lead, he'll move you. He'll take you somewhere you couldn't have reached on your own. Yes, you deserve to feel great, and you deserve to have that full experience as often as you need it, just like he does. But participation isn't optional. The small things. Count your hands on his back, drawing him in. Great eye contact, arching towards him, responding and reacting to his touch and his movements. A leg wrapped around him or up over his shoulders. A willingness to move and to be in different positions. These are the things that tell us that you're actually here, not tolerating sex, but in it with us. A man who pours everything in and gets a limp body back will eventually stop pouring. Or, as I've often said, I just feel like I'm doing a bunch of cardio for you.

6:46Number three. Your body is an instrument. Learn to play it. I'll be the first one to admit my personal biases. I'm a dancer, an acrobat. I did yoga for decades. But this isn't about being a gymnast in bed. It's about your awareness.

7:01When your leg is dangling off in some odd position. It reads as disconnected or disjointed sometimes, like you've checked out of your own body.

7:10You. You don't have to be a contortionist. You don't have to think about how your leg looks in the air. And you don't even have to be super flexible. But you do need to have intention if you want to amp it up and make it look pretty. Sure. You can point your toes once in a while instead of leaving a flexed, sickled foot in the air. But you can also Try spreading your legs as wide as you can, holding your legs open, drawing your knees back towards your underarms or ears, and if possible, wrapping your legs around him. Let your hips move with him rather than lying there rigid. And I've got to say it, flexibility helps. Here again, it feels like it's on a spectrum. We either have girls who can do the full splits or women who say, oh, I can't even touch my toes. My legs open this wide. Listen, even 10 minutes of stretching a few times a week opens up what's available to you.

8:02But the real currency is intention. Your body is saying something during sex, whether or not you've decided what.

8:10Number four. I say this sensitively. Your insecurities are louder than you think. I've sat with women who describe covering their stomach with one hand the entire time that they're intimate, or holding their breasts so they don't move, or keeping a shirt on specifically to hide their middle section.

8:29I have real compassion for this one, and I understand where it's coming from. But understand what's happening in that moment. You have left and checked out again. There's no presence. You're in your head. You're no longer with him. You're worried about this and this and this and the angles and do you look okay? And do you look pretty enough? And you're with your anxiety.

8:50And he can feel the room change.

8:53Because anytime a woman gets into some energy like that, it's palpable. You've gone from a woman alive in her body to a woman who's managing an image. And when you're naked, there's no real managing to be done, so that electric charge drains right out of the whole thing. And sometimes you might even be wondering where the passion's gone. So wear the camisole, wear the open shirt, cover wherever you like, and do what feels good, as long as it's making you feel sexy and not serving as a shield or a barrier.

9:25Number five.

9:26Less armor, more you. And I say this with love as well. The heavy makeup, the lash extensions, the clip in hair, the excessive lingerie or strongly scented petroleum perfumes. I know they may make you feel beautiful. And maybe you think that you're doing this for you out in the world. And your man may love it, but in bed, these things often turn into obstacles. He reaches to grab your hair and stops because it might come away in his hand, or he feels like he's held onto a nest of some kind. He goes to kiss your neck and meets a wall of product in his mouth. Or tastes the chemical flavor of your perfume or makeup.

10:04He wants to hold your face and ends up negotiating three layers of it.

10:09The version of you with the least amount of stuff standing in between him and your actual skin is usually the one that lands the hardest. Because arousal in bed runs on proximity, not production value.

10:24He we want skin that we can feel and hair that we can take a hold of and pull. A face that we can get close to and give all those nice kisses without planning around the adhesive.

10:36Now let me pause for one second here and let you know that if this type of conversation is working for you, it resonates and you want to increase the dialogue. Come check me [email protected], fill out an intake form and we can enjoy a paid session together. All right, back into it. Number six, Grooming and hygiene. The unsexy truth. Most of you have this handled so I'll breeze right through it quickly because when it's off, it's a complete and total deal breaker. Just the way it is with a man. And almost no one will say it to your face.

11:05Clean, maintained, fresh, maybe bare, maybe trimmed, maybe shaped. That's between your preferences and his. This is the baseline that makes everything else possible is good hygiene and a fresh scent. I'm not talking about female beauty standards that men don't have to adhere to. I tell men the exact same thing. Smell great, bathe everywhere. And I know you're not supposed to get between some of your crevices ladies, but the other ones in back and other places, it's non negotiable.

11:35Number seven, this one surprises people. It's hard to talk about and I told you you probably wouldn't have heard these things. But even if you're deep into a marriage, go and get a checkup. I mean this should be happening annually but. But to be blunt, I mean an STI or an STD screening, plus sometimes something like BV or bacterial vaginosis. And yes, it's kind of as icky as it sounds. And smells can sit there with no symptoms that you happen to notice.

12:02You might have no idea, but he might. It changes your taste, your smell, the entire sensory experience for him and he will almost never raise it because like face it, this is a really hard subject to talk about and bring up and he can't find a way to say it that's not going to crush you. Sometimes a man will unbutton his partner's pants and a certain aroma will come wafting up and I know, take it off his plate. Save yourself any Embarrassment. Regular checkups handled as maintenance. Just the same way as anything else you do to care for your body and what the two of you share together.

12:39Number eight. Watch out for your won't list.

12:42There's a healthy version of this. Knowing your boundaries, stating them plainly, not doing things you don't want to do. All of that's genuinely attractive. I love it. Then there's the other version, where every single category kind of comes with a restriction. You won't go down on him. You'd rather he didn't go down on you. You don't like the way you look down there? Smell down there. Taste down there. Not that position. I hate how I look when I'm on top of. Not in the morning. I always have to do it with the bra on. Please keep the lights off or do it under the covers. Not when I'm getting ready for bed and certainly not when the kids are at home. At some point, a man takes in the whole map and thinks, what's actually left? What am I allowed to enjoy with my wife or girlfriend here? And hear this. His will to even try dies off.

13:30I'm not telling you to throw out your limits and your boundaries. But I am telling you to take a closer look at them honestly and ask whether they're real boundaries or just comfort zones that we can bump up against gently. Comfort zones that you've never questioned. Openness is one of the most attractive things a woman can bring into the bedroom. Not recklessness. Openness with a good man and someone who'll hear you out. You can build that slowly and work on this together.

13:58Number nine. Surprise. You don't actually have to be one. And done.

14:04So many women hit orgasm and the curtain falls. Done. Don't touch me. It's hypersensitive. Shut everything down. They roll away. Let's get cleaned up and let's get on with our day. I understand the physiology. But what most women never find out is that if you just ease off the direct stimulation for 20 or 30 seconds, let yourself breathe. Let her breathe. Stay close.

14:28Let the wave settle back down.

14:30Your body is often ready to climb and build again and again.

14:34Honey, you're made for this.

14:37Some of you were told your whole life, however, that one was the finish line. One orgasm is not the ceiling for woman. It's the beginning.

14:46It may take practice. It may take a different kind of touch the second time around. And third and fourth. But staying in the experience instead of both bolting from it, changes the entire night for both of you. Finally, number 10. Stay with him when you come. This is the hard one. I know what it takes for a lot of women to get there. The focus, the exact angle and the pressure and the rhythm and everything has to be right. Your concentration, it demands so much. And I want you to have your own experience. It's not about him or performing for him or doing anything to. To appease him.

15:24But when you arrive, eyes Scrooge shut, face turned away, contorted body curled on itself, completely gone inside your head all of the time. That is a solo event happening in the middle of a shared one. He's right there and he can feel that you've left.

15:41I want to double down and be really careful here because I'm not telling you don't enjoy your orgasm or don't have a personal experience once in a while, regularly or a lot of the time. But it is nice to be aware you don't have to lock eyes with him the entire time through, but one open look or smile, an intense look of passion, a hand that reaches him, his name, anything that tells him you're here with him and not just here by yourself. That's the line between sex and intimacy that keeps a man coming back to you for the rest of his life. None of this asks you to become someone that you aren't. What it asks is that you show up present and unguarded, open to growing, willing to sit with something uncomfortable. And it means the next time will usually be better than the last.

16:29The truly extraordinary lovers I've known had no secret technique. What they have is presence. They were actually there in their body, with their partner, awake to the whole thing.

16:41That's what he wants and loves from you, as well as being a freak in the sheets. And if this landed, if you want to take it deeper for yourself or for your relationship, come work with [email protected]. i welcome your comments. I read all of them and I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one.

If the sex isn't good now, it won't get better after the wedding. Nobody says it at the rehearsal dinner, so I will.

Almost everyone knows a couple who seemed perfect on paper and had a silent bedroom. Many of them felt it before they signed and told themselves it would improve once they were settled, once the stress of the wedding passed, once they had more time. A ring doesn't come with a sexual education, and a mortgage doesn't install desire.

This is the first episode of Sex After Marriage. I talk about the logic couples use to talk themselves past a quiet bedroom, why familiarity and obligation are the enemies of desire, the question to ask yourself before the vows, what to do if you've already signed, and what it looks like to build a marriage where intimacy is something you run toward instead of something you ration.

Listen nextHow to Be the Best He's Ever Had→

0:00If you're newly married or you're engaged, or you're thinking about marriage, but the intimacy in your relationship isn't anywhere close to where you want it to be, keep watching. This is a must see episode. And even if you've been married for decades and you're in the same position, I strongly recommend you watch through to the end too, because I think this is really going to hit home. I've spent nearly a decade sitting across from thousands of couples and I can tell you with complete confidence the thing that most people think gets better after marriage. The electricity, the passion, the heat, the intensity.

0:34For most of us, when it isn't already there, it quietly, slowly, painfully gets worse. If you're someone who loves your partner completely but you haven't quite been able to name the thing that feels a little off, but you know that it is, I'm going to name it for you. Here's what nobody in your wedding party is going to say to you at the rehearsal dinner. If the sex isn't good now, it is not going to get better after the wedding. That's it. It's a bold statement, and that's the quiet part. And I just said it out loud. But stick with me, because this isn't about scaring you or making some bold viral claim. This is about saving you from a very specific kind of slow heartbreak that I've watched happen to more couples than I care to count. So there's a version of this story that I hear all the time. There are two people who are completely wonderful together. You probably call yourselves best friends. You go everywhere together. You do everything together. And I get it. This can be the really fun part of it all. You laugh, you travel, you maybe even have a pet together or a child. And you're building a life together. The relationship looks beautiful from the outside, and I know your friends and family would tell you as much. And the truth is, it is beautiful. Mostly. Except that in the bedroom, something's always been a little quiet. And quiet is an understatement. Maybe the sex is infrequent. Maybe it feels more like a chore than a craving. Maybe his initiation is weak or soft or non existent. He tells you how pretty you are and when you go out, it's fun, but not much is happening between the cheeks and between the sheets. Maybe one of you finishes and rolls over and the other one is left staring at the ceiling, wondering if this is really what love and sex and marriage is all about.

2:23Two to three minutes and then he's done even three to five before you've even had a chance to get warmed up or finish yourself. I'm sure many of you have asked yourself, am I just here to satisfy this person's need? I know what you're thinking and what you told yourself. Because the logic goes, once we're married, once the stress of the wedding is over, once we get settled in, everything will open up and it'll get better. And friends, I really need you to hear me on this. There are exceptions to the rule. And if you happen to have a remarkable partner who is always into growing, he wants the best for your relationship. He's willing to do the hard work, willing to be vulnerable, willing to put in the effort to get it done, unless he absolutely also wants to get that part of his life handled. This is not how this works. Here's something that no one speaks about, for who knows what reason. Your wedding ring is not a sexual education.

3:17You suddenly now being granted permission by God, the state, your family, to now begin to be intimate does not suddenly give you all of the information and insight you need in order to be a really great lover. Not by any stretch of the imagination. And your shared mortgage isn't going to be doing you any favors either. If you don't know how to make your partner feel desired before you say, I do. The legal commitment does not install the knowledge. The honeymoon doesn't unlock it. And in fact, for some couples, it's the oh my God, what did I just do? Moment. And if you had limited sexual experience, or especially if this is your first serious relationship, and also if the female partner has had significantly more experience than her male partner, or if sex has always felt a little awkward or mechanical or just fine. Marriage doesn't fix that either. It freezes it and then it slowly compounds it over time. Because now there's a very clear and distinct expectation and obligation in the room. Now there's something we call familiarity. There's the unspoken pressure of this is the only person I'm supposed to want. And that pressure is the enemy of desire. I'm not saying love isn't enough. Love is extraordinary. And I personally love love. I love being in love. I'm saying that love and chemistry are two different things, and one of them cannot be willed into existence. So. I know that's a mouthful. What do you want to do with all of that if you're sitting with a little discomfort right now? I know I hate to say it, but good. The discomfort is information.

4:55Don't quiet it with a venue deposit or renewing your vows, I'd like to be the one to ask you to ask yourself, honestly, privately, and with no one watching, do I feel genuine, almost involuntary desire, want, attraction and primal sexual energy for this person?

5:14Not comfort, not familiarity, not best friends, not Netflix and truly chilling on the couch, not I love them, so it should count or it will work. I'm talking about the pull, the electricity, that thing that makes you reach for someone because you can't help yourself, you're so impassioned by them.

5:34If you've never felt that with this person, or it only happened once, a long time ago, I want you to sit with that question a little longer before you sign anything that will permanently alter the trajectory of your life. And if you already signed and now you're feeling a little pit in the bottom of your stomach, I want you to sit with the gravity of that, too. Because the men and women who end up in my office, 10 to 30 years in, exhausted, resentful, quietly starving, they felt that exact same discomfort before the wedding. And they talked themselves out of it because they thought it would get better.

6:11Let me be clear, though. I'm not telling you to leave. I'm not telling you to put an end to your marriage. I'm not telling you to break up for better sex.

6:19And I'm not saying your relationship is broken. But I am saying that you do deserve to live a full life and to know what that feeling is like. Because for many people, that is the most important thing outside of their family and children.

6:35A life aroused, a body electric. A life where intimacy feels like something you run toward, not something you negotiate, ration, or grieve.

6:47And so does your partner.

6:49This series, Sex After Marriage is going to go places most people won't.

6:54We're going to talk about what actually happens behind closed doors after the vows, what my couples have confessed, and what you can actually do about it. Episode two may also be uncomfortable, but in the best possible way. If something I said cracked something open for you, don't sit with it alone. Yes, of course you can subscribe to watch more, but I would strongly recommend booking a paid session with me by visiting closeness.com because this is the exact kind of conversation that changes the trajectory of your life. My name's Tari. I'm a sex and intimacy mentor, and I've been helping couples deal with this for the better part of my life. I'll look forward to seeing you in the office. Thank you.

Wanting space isn't the problem. Taking it badly is.

If you've ever asked for space and watched it blow up, with him spiraling, you feeling guilty and the connection somehow worse, this one is for you. Space can be healthy and even necessary. Vanishing, going vague or announcing it like a breakup in disguise is what damages the man you want to keep.

This is the women's companion to my episode on what men should do when she needs space. With some loving tough love, I cover how to name your terms and put a time on it, why disappearing creates a vacuum he fills with fear, the phrases that sound kind and land like grenades, the difference between space and a performance of space, and the tender moments when you're just sad and need to be quiet.

Listen nextWhat to Do When a Woman Says She Needs Space→

0:00All right, ladies, we need to talk. So I know you said it because you meant it. You were overwhelmed. The conversation was going nowhere, and you needed some air. So you said the words, I need space. And while you probably meant it, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say you probably weren't trying to punish him and you just needed to breathe. Or maybe you got so frustrated you couldn't stand the sight of his face. We'll find out which three whopping days go by, because let's be honest, there's a part of you that's at least a little proud to confess to your girlfriends that you could keep this up all day or week. And by now, he's an absolute mess. A mess that you, at the very least, helped to create. And somewhere in there, you've lost a little respect for him and you feel a little guilty, too. So how did all this happen? My Name's Tari from closeness.com, i'm an intimacy mentor and guide, and I've been helping women navigate these murky, dirty waters from. For the past 10 years. So let me tell you something that most people won't, including your man, because frankly, he's a little afraid of you. The way that you take space might be quietly costing you the man that you want to keep and costing you your own peace and understanding as well, such as, why does this keep happening to me? Not because wanting space is wrong. It never is. It's actually extremely important.

1:21But because no one is ever taught how to take it when without setting off a bomb in the relationship. This is tough love, the loving kind. But here are five ways to take space that you need so that it works for both of you, and you keep your man in the process.

1:38Number one. And if you remember nothing else, remember this.

1:42Quantify the time.

1:45The difference between space that heals and space that detonates into the abyss of nothingness is. Is one sentence with a number in it. Give me an hour. I'll text you at 5. Let me sleep on this. Can we talk in the morning? I need the afternoon to myself. Nothing's broken. I'm not leaving. Let's come back to this tonight. I do want to talk to you about this. I love you. I'm not abandoning you. I'm not leaving you. And if you're truly unsure about how much time you need, double it or triple it. That's the secret. The women who keep their men and continue to trust them, love them, and respect them already know what is completely out of the question. However, My dear friends, is this. I need space indefinitely. I have no idea when I'll be ready to talk to you again. I couldn't even pontificate on the matter. My only answers to any questions you have are, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I just need space. I. I don't know when I'll be ready to talk to you again, so don't push me. That is not a boundary or anything close to it. You were taught incorrectly. That is an exile. Think about it. Every culture that has lasted built in a way to step away and come back. The retreat, the pilgrimage, the long walk, the day of rest. Stepping away is ancient and it's holy. I am all about it, and I have no problem with taking space. However, the vanishing act dressed up in pretty little words like ghosting and curving, that's the new part that we deal with. That's the insidious thing. And it breaks people.

3:20Now, here's why simply quantifying a time works. You're handing him something to hold and something to look forward to. It's a door left open, an actual boundary, something that he can honor and respect, a rule book, some guidance. Without it, you handed him a locked room, no key, and left him to fill the silence with the worst story that his mind can write. Oh, for sure she's going to go sleep with someone else. She's going to leave me. We're getting divorced. We're ruined. She hates me. I'll never talk to her again.

3:53Name the time, and not only do you stay the awesome, secure woman that he fell for, he also stays the secure man that you fell for. Leave it blank, and you become a question mark that he cannot stop poking at. And I know you've experienced that over and over again. Number two. And this one's going to sting a little bit, so stay with me. When you go quiet and you vanish, you imagine it reads as mysterious or strong.

4:21You've been told through rap videos and music videos and People magazine that you're finally putting yourself first and doing what's right for you.

4:30And from the inside, it feels powerful. You banish him. You leave. You go silent. You walk away, and you feel like you have all the power.

4:39From his side, it tends to read as one thing, the end of the relationship. You've really got to take that in. It reads to him as the end. Now, if you're a manipulative lady or you enjoy playing games, or you just love keeping him in shambles, have at it. But if you want a better way?

4:58Let me tell you what this does. Silence creates a vacuum, and a vacuum pulls. The longer you're gone with no word, the more he spirals and is sucked in towards you. He calls, he checks in, and it sounds like this. Is everything okay? Are you okay? I'm so sorry. I would do anything to get you back. Tell me what you need. I'll never do this or that again.

5:22And he gets your least favorite word.

5:25Needy. You then lose respect for him. And the exact neediness that you'll later say turns you off.

5:32You, in fact, created. You pulled it out of a man who only two days ago was strong and steady. Heck, he might have even been giving it to you great this morning in bed. But you refuse to name the time. And then he comes sniffing around every few minutes to try to make it right and fix the problem.

5:49And now you find him less attractive. So I ask you, who in that situation is really to blame? You built a trap and then resented him for stepping right into it.

6:01So I'm not telling you to coddle the guy. I'm telling you that a 10 second text or less.

6:07I need a little more time. I'm okay. Hey, let's talk tomorrow. That protects the very attraction that you're working so hard to preserve. It's not weakness. That's a woman who knows her own power and who doesn't need to torture someone to feel it. Number three, let's talk about some phrases, because I know you've got a whole drawer of them.

6:29Babe, it's not you, it's me. I just need to work on me right now. I don't know what I want. I can't even think straight. I just need some space.

6:38Leave.

6:39If you're unhappy with me, just leave.

6:44I'm gonna go.

6:45I'm gonna go. Okay?

6:51I just need to focus on me for a while. This doesn't work for me anymore. Ladies. These aren't soft, honest, dulcet tones of beautiful communication. They are breakup grenades aimed at a man with the pin half pulled. Sometimes they're honest. Sometimes. But often, and you know, when it's you, they're a way to avoid saying the real thing. Soft on the surface, brutal underneath. Because they leave him guessing for days.

7:18Especially when you don't let it resolve for days. I call these malignant phrases. They sound like kindness, they work like a slow leak, and they spread like cancer. So here's the tough love part. Don't leave a hostage note for a man that you love.

7:34If you need a night, say A night. If you need 10 minutes, take 30 and tell him as much. And if you're actually done, find the courage to say it because it's kinder than the slow burnout every single time. Clarity is a gift.

7:49Vagueness is cruelty. Wearing a gentle voice. And men. If you're watching, one quick word because I know you're watching too.

7:57To be clear, your job is to make it safe for her.

8:01If she gets punished every time, she's honest. If you rage or you collapse into tears and sadness or you become extremely needy, she will learn to disappear. Instead, receive her truth without making her pay for it. Now, one thing before we get to the last few if this type of thing is like hitting the nose on the head, this is the kind of work that I do. One on one and two on one. And you can find me at closeness.com I run a private practice and you can book a paid session. And you can join it [email protected]. all right, back to it. Number four. Real space and a performance are not the same thing at all, ladies. And he can feel the difference instantly. Real space looks like a walk journaling a long, quiet bath time by yourself. A real conversation with a friend who loves you. It's you alone with yourself or truly processing with a therapist, a coach, a mentor, and I hate to say it, but mostly, and ideally with yourself.

9:07That's what space means. A performance, a lie, a manipulation tactic. Looks very different.

9:15You said you needed the night, but lo and behold, you're at your girlfriend's house eating Cheetos and watching movies and just having another excuse for a girl's night.

9:23Harmless. On any other night, do as you please.

9:26Questionable on this one. A performance is the heels and the club. And a midnight story about living your best life posted exactly when you know he'll be hunting for clues and trying to figure out where you are. That's not processing. There's nothing about that. That is processing. That is a very specific message. It's emotional warfare. And the most damaging version is the homecoming line. Something happened that I don't know if I can tell you about. I wasn't planning on it. It wasn't my intention. I didn't mean for it to happen. I wasn't looking for it.

10:00Let me say the thing that nobody says. Nobody trips and falls and falls into someone's bed for an hour. If what you want is freedom to date, to choose, to be unattached, that's a completely valid thing to want and also probably requires a professional conversation. You are simply required to ask for it out loud and beforehand, not narrate it or feed it to him or breadcrumb him bit by bit. As it happens, taking space is not a hall pass. Take the freedom seriously or don't take it at all. Number five, and this is the one that turns all of it into power. Instead of rules. The people who take space and keep their relationship all do the same thing. They're taking decisive. They think it through for a minute. They are magical phrase here. Considerate of their partner. They say exactly what they need. I had a beautiful time. Or I don't want us to argue right now or I want us to be close and I'm going to take tomorrow to myself. Let's talk on Monday. I really need to be left alone for the day. I will reach out to you when I'm ready. And then you have to find a way to do it if you want to save the relationship.

11:08Said with warmth. Said with a timeline. Said like someone who guards the other person's heart even while protecting her own. To me, that's not weakness. It's the most attractive thing a woman can do because it tells him that you can leave the room and still love him, that life isn't going to fall apart. It tells him your space is not a threat. It's how you come back better. One necessary aside here, if you're truly in an abusive relationship is if it's nothing but fighting and fear and you don't feel safe. Taking space isn't your assignment. That's a situation for professional help. Getting yourself out safely when the time is right. Don't confuse the two. But here's a tender part that I almost left out. Sometimes you don't need space from him at all. You're just sad, heavy, quiet. You're somewhere else. You're feeling emotional. You don't really want to talk to anyone. You're someplace maybe words can't reach. And he's just hovering around.

12:03And the more shut down and quiet you get. I've never understood why ladies think that. The more almost annoyed and shut down and irritated and quiet and frustrated you get. You think that this is somehow helping the situation. No, it makes him hover. He's anxious, he's fumbling, he's trying to fix it. He's trying to hold you. And you want nothing to do with it. It's only making it worse. So you're allowed to say, I'm okay. It's not you. I just need to be quiet tonight or I need some time for me. This one sentence frees you both up. It lets him love you by not grabbing or grasping at you. It lets you feel what you feel without managing his worry on top of your own. The quality of your relationships shapes the quality of your life and the quality of this. The way that you leave and the way that you return is the whole relationship in miniature. For as long as people have loved each other, the ones who knew how to part well were the ones who got to come home. So take all the space that you need. Just take it like a woman who fully intends to be loved for a very long time. Space taken well doesn't have to end love. It's how love breathes. I'm Tari, you're watching. Closeness and the companion to this episode. What men need to know to not drive women crazy when they need space will be coming forthright. So now I'm gonna take a little space from you and I'll catch you in a week or less. You can count on it.

"Hey babe, do you, um, want to go upstairs later?" She's heard it a hundred times. "Come upstairs with me for a minute" is the same request, and it lands completely differently.

Most men stop flirting with their wives somewhere along the way. It starts to feel awkward, like acting, and after a few eye rolls they quit. Meanwhile she's starving for any sign that says "I still like you, I still want you, I still want to play with you." Comfort, safety and being best friends slowly bury the attraction you started with.

In this episode I break down masculine flirting and how it differs from the way women flirt: sustained eye contact, a lower and slower voice, statements instead of requests, and a little distance. I explain why flirting works in layers, why you stopped, why it feels foreign after years together, how women respond in kind, how to push through the awkward first tries, and why the cheesy deep voice gets a giggle instead of a spark.

Listen nextWhy She Won't Initiate Sex (And What to Do About It)→

0:00Welcome to closeness, your new sexual education. My name is Tari and I've been an intimacy mentor to men, women and couples for over 10 years to help them unlock almost any issue in their intimate lives. Today's topic of conversation is how to flirt with your wife or girlfriend when you're already in the relationship. And let me start by being perfectly blunt. Most men have not learned or never knew how to flirt with their partner. Most men, if they're being honest, feel a handful of emotions. They feel awkward when they try to flirt, they feel ridiculous. They feel like they are role playing or acting out some sort of script, being unnatural, or more specifically, becoming someone that they're not. And so they don't even try because they just assume it's not going to work anyway. But here's what's actually happening. Your wife or your girlfriend is hungry for it.

0:52She's starving for any kind of attention that says, I still like you, I still want you, and I still want to play with you. So when you finally do do it, even imperfectly, what happens? Her eyes light up. She becomes sexually available, sensually available to you. She becomes more soft and more feminine. And in my opinion, she becomes interested in you in a way that you may not recognize or haven't seen in quite some time. It might take you by surprise. The problem is, it's very likely that if you get it right, you don't understand what you did, how you got there, or why it happened. And so therefore you don't know how to keep going with it. Chances are you're thinking that you can do one thing and you think you're being flirtatious, and then it should all just unfold effortlessly from there. So if you're watching this, it's very likely you feel too awkward to flirt with her, too stuck in your head, or you don't know how to build on that moment. And that is exactly what we're going to fix today. But learning how to do it properly, I want you to think about this as masculine flirtatiousness. We don't want to flirt the way women do. Well, because we have such a bastardized version of what masculinity is today. Because no one can define what it is, because women are scared of it and men are scared to be it. Nobody knows how to do it anymore. So let's start first with what masculine flirting actually looks like. Because it is not the same as feminine flirting.

2:16Women flirt by batting their eyes, flipping their hair, being coy, wry, submissive, being feminine. If I started flipping my Hand all over the place in a very feminine way. You wouldn't take me seriously if I start batting my eyes at you and being coy, no one, not men or women on the other side would find it attractive or interesting. And that's because that's a woman's language, and men have an entirely different toolkit. Masculine flirting is, first and foremost assertive.

2:47It's confident, it's playful, and it has to be specific. And I understand you've probably heard those words a million times. Don't tune out. If you hear, be more masculine and assertive. I understand that you probably don't know what to do with that, and we're absolutely going to get to it. Here's what it looks like in practice. Sustained eye contact.

3:06Not staring, not being creepy, not. Not blinking.

3:11Just the kind of eye contact that says, I'm present with you and I'm interested in you. Now, what you want to pair with your eye contact is a tone shift. And if you want a very clear example of that, probably 80 to 90% of my oral podcast is delivered in that soft, deeper, masculine tone. So what does that mean? It means you just drop your voice a little lower, you speak in a more deliberate fashion, and you actually want to speak slower. You're not asking permission. You're making a statement. And I'll give you an easy example using a statement that you've likely said to your wife before.

3:49But it hasn't worked very well, and I don't recommend you use this statement. I'm doing it only for tone. If I want to ask my wife if she wants to go upstairs, and I'm only going to exaggerate this slightly, I go, hey, babe, do you think you might.

4:03Do you want to go upstairs and, you know, mess around a little bit later?

4:07Highly unlikely that she's going to show any interest in that. But if I say, instead, why don't you come upstairs with me for a minute?

4:17It has a totally different impression. And then finally, you might lean in slightly, you might close distance a little bit, but always leaving a gap. You don't want to be too close or brushed up too much against her. You want about this far away where she can actually see you with or without glasses on and have a clear sense of where you are, not up here and personal. You're not grabbing. You're not reaching for something. You're not asking her permission if it's okay. You're signaling to her that you're sexually interested. It's not saying one thing in a certain tone. It's not one form of touch. Flirting, to me, is a layering process.

4:54You put something down, she responds. You add to it. She adds a layer, you add a layer. There's a banter that goes. Goes back and forth. And sometimes you have to put down a few layers before you get a response. Eye contact plus tone, plus saying something sexy or interesting or flirtatious or even something bland and neutral in a very direct tone, plus physical proximity plus some form of touch or caress, putting all that together sometimes at the same time, that's what creates flirtatious contact.

5:27So why don't you do this naturally? Why don't you just flirt with your wife more often?

5:32Most likely because somewhere along the line, you learned that it was unsafe or she reprimanded you, humiliated you, embarrassed you, told you not to, told you she wasn't in the mood. You heard that a handful of times. And when you took it more than she could, you took it probably 10 times more than she could. And then you shut down, your tail went between your legs, and you said, I'm never doing this again. You might have actually been taught that it was disrespectful or too forward for you to flirt. But make no mistake, it is absolutely not disrespectful or too forward to flirt with your wife or girlfriend or a female partner who is interested in you or sexually interested in you. There's a time and place, but it's not disrespectful or inappropriate. And then finally, you might have just got too comfortable with one another. And then that spark starts to fade.

6:20Comfort is not sexy. Comfort is safe. Now, here's the hard thing. Women especially. But we do this too as men. But women push massively for safety and comfort because they feel safe. And they could exist in the world and not worry about something bad happening to them. But the moment you become too familiar, you become her best friend. You do everything together. You feel like your brother and sister.

6:47The sexual chemistry goes right out the window. And then, little by little, you forget that flirting was even an option. And what I'm here to remind you of is that it's always an option. It's always on the table. And the longer your relationship goes, the harder it feels to start. Especially men, if you've stopped and you feel so awkward and nervous about starting up again, because now you've got this history, now you've got comfort. Now she knows you too well. You. If you just walk up to a stranger in the street and you say something flirtatious, you're absolutely right in thinking it can go 10 times better than it would with your wife because it feels too familiar. And here's a part I think you're really going to resonate with because you're so familiar and you've spent so long building comfort and safety with this person. Now it feels like you're introducing something new, foreign and different to the relationship. Like something artificial and something that doesn't belong.

7:46You both get that little bit of awkwardness or fear. You both pull back, you shut down, and then intimacy never happens. By the way, if you're finally ready to understand how sex and intimacy actually works in your relationship, or if you're single, then book a paid consultation with me today by visiting closeness.com I'll teach you how to get and keep more of what you want in a sexual relationship with the person who you're with. Learn what actually works. Learn how to get her turned on and excited, and how to position yourself for success in this brave new world of sex and intimacy. Visit closeness.com for more details. The links are in the description but your wife or girlfriend didn't marry you so that the attraction could die. And I don't think you did either. She married you or got together with you, and then attraction got buried under comfort, safety, being best friends, and under the false and erroneous assumption that you don't need to do that anymore. But she still wants it and she still wants to do it and she still wants to experience it. And one of the best kept secrets about women that I'm constantly trying to convey to everyone is that women respond in kind. When you pull back, she pulls back. When you lean in, she leans in. When you get awkward, she gets awkward. It's always that way.

9:03It's very rare that she's setting the tone. And if she is, because I know many of you are in relationships where it feels like she absolutely does, it's because she's unconscious or too aggressive or too loud or too domineering or controlling, or there's some sort of hostile or distant or protective atmosphere in the air that's making everyone uneasy and she doesn't like it. And you don't like it either. But what happens when you actually start flirting with her, even just a little bit and even for a few seconds, is that something starts to shift. Her nervous system shifts, she begins to open up, she becomes present and she becomes suddenly aware of you in a sexual way. Not as dad, not as a husband, not as the guy who provides or the breadwinner. As a Sexual being and everyone listening. You've got to understand, this is not because you're doing something wrong or, or manipulative or illegal or against the law. It's because you're communicating something primal. I still want you. I still desire you. And this is gold for women. You want to convey to her that I still see you as desirable. I'm sure many of you have heard the comment, I want you to want me. I want to feel wanted by you. I don't feel wanted or desired. This is what she's talking about.

10:24Even attractive guys, tall guys, fit guys, gorgeous guys, they all feel awkward doing this at first, all of them. And to me, that's because they're used to being in one mode in their relationship and one mode only. Comfortable, familiar, safe, sarcastic. I always crack jokes. I'm never present. I'm always making people feel uncomfortable with sarcasm. I'm always being aggressive or I'm always. Just the facts, ma'. Am. Just the facts. And since you're now shifting into another mode, it doesn't feel comfortable, it's unfamiliar, and it doesn't feel safe. And I'm here to tell you, all you gotta do is practice. Lean in, dive in. Ignore her knee jerk responses. Ignore her being like, oh, I've never seen you like this before. What's going on? Just keep going.

11:13And I assure you, it's not acting.

11:16It's not acting. You're not reading lines and then performing them. It's just a different frequency. And quite simply, the more you do it, the less awkward it becomes because she's going to respond. Her body is going to respond and that feedback is going to make it feel real, not fake. For her, first and foremost, and then for you as well. Okay, so let's bring it all together. Where do you start with all of this?

11:39What you don't need to do is plan it all out. What you don't need to do is wait for the right moment. This is the worst thing to do. And guys do it all the time. Start small. She's on the couch. She's in the kitchen making coffee. You slow down, you make eye contact, you deepen your voice and you say something playful. Maybe something that teases her gently.

12:02Maybe a sensual comment, maybe even a very sincere compliment. Something that says, I'm here with you right now and I'm enjoying it.

12:10I'm a big believer in examples. I love giving examples. You hear me do it all the time. This is one area where watching me do it to you on the screen is not going to have the same impact or be remotely interesting. So that's why I'm being a little bit vague here and saying you do it. But I will give you one caveat.

12:29Don't overdo it. Every guy also does this. They think that I said lower your voice. So they drop into a deep voice like this and talk really slow and come in. Hey, baby, you want me to get that cup of coffee for you?

12:45I'm sure you'll make her laugh. I'm sure you'll make her giggle and that's wonderful because a giggling, laughing woman is very fun and exciting to be with. But it's most likely not going to flip that sexuality or primal switch on. You're just cracking jokes. It's like being a stand up comedian. But if you do it right, I want you to notice what happens. Notice how she stands up or reaches back behind her to touch you or turns around to you. Notice if she smiles, if her body language shifts, and if she becomes more engaged with you. That's it. That's the first layer. From there, you layer on a little more. I love this analogy we're working with here of layering. It's not just a doing or a completing of a task. It's laying down a foundation. Add a little more touch, a little more proximity, a little more flirtatiousness, A slight smile, caressing, some touching, some deep breathing, a longer moment of eye contact, a smirk instead of a smile. You're building. You're not forcing, you're playing, you're not performing. You're taking it seriously while still playing. There's a difference between being silly and playing with her and engaging with her.

14:04It's going to feel awkward at first. It's perfectly normal. It's not a sign that it's not working.

14:09Doesn't mean you should give up. Doesn't mean if you do it five or ten times, you should give up. It's a sign that you're actually doing something different, that you're stepping back into a part of yourself that I bet you missed and I bet you also haven't seen in a while.

14:23I can promise you that your wife or girlfriend, if she likes you and she's attracted to you, she is waiting for you to do this, she is dreaming of you doing this. And the moment that you start, even imperfectly, you're going to see some change in her. There might be a tiny moment where she's calling you out and asking what it is. Just take it as feedback that you weren't smooth enough and keep going.

14:49No manipulation. No lies, no tricks. However, in flirtatiousness you're allowed to exaggerate. You're allowed to be playful. Just remind her that you still see her and you still want her. And if you could convey that without those exact words, even though they're useful, that will be even more powerful. You're going to see a difference of why flirtatiousness matters in your long term relationship, because it's something she's always going to need to hear, even after many years together. Let me know what you think down in the comments and what you would add to this and how you would help other men and women listening do you know how to flirt? Do you know? Do you have examples of how you like to flirt that you think are flawless and work? Don't worry if you share it with the world, it's not not going to work on your partner or future partner. You know, flirting in a long term relationship isn't just about rekindling a spark that's gone. It's about tending to the spark that's always been there. You've just let it go dormant. It just gets tucked away under everything else, like laundry and kids and school and projects and life and being exhausted.

15:51And all it takes is you being a little awkward, a little vulnerable at first, and getting in your reps, putting in the paces. But once you step into that masculine, playful energy, you're going to realize that this is why she wanted to be with you all along. If you've enjoyed this episode, I would strongly recommend passing it on to someone who, you know, who needs it for some other interesting value propositions. If you'd like to work with me firsthand, you can visit closeness.com and fill out an intake form to get started, or just schedule a phone consultation or fly into sunny San Diego to work with me in person. You can listen to the auditory version of Closeness Everywhere podcasts can be found. Thanks for listening and I'll

"Why do I always have to be the one to initiate?" She says nothing, because she's already explained it, hinted at it and given up.

When a man asks why his wife won't initiate sex, he's usually asking something else: why doesn't she want me the way she used to? Most women in long relationships still do want their partners. What stops them from reaching out is rejection. Men are built to absorb it. Many women can take it once or twice before they stop letting themselves want it at all.

In this episode I explain why wanting you and reaching for you are two different acts for her, why "if I have to tell you, I'm less interested" is how desire often works, why asking "do you want to go upstairs?" turns heat into a committee decision, a simple test for how your approach feels to her, the conditions under which women do initiate, and the difference between her desire and her resignation.

Listen nextHow to Properly Flirt With Your Wife or Girlfriend→

0:00Why do I always gotta be the one to initiate? You ask.

0:04She of course says nothing because she's had that conversation with you before, she's explained it, she's hinted at it, and now she's just quiet. I'm Tari. This is closeness. And today I want to tell you what's actually going on because I think the answer might surprise you. You know, when men come into my office and ask why won't she initiate with me? What they're really asking is, why doesn't she want me the way she used to? And those are two very different questions. Because the truth of the matter is, most women, especially in long term relationships, assuming that she loves you and assuming that she's attracted to you, still does want you, they think about sex, they want intimacy, Some of them are thinking about it right now. But as a woman, wanting you and actually reaching out for you are two completely different actions. And for most women, that second step, the reaching out part, almost never happens. Not because they don't feel it, but because of how they're wired around rejection. Most women can't bear the thought of it. Men are, for better or worse, built to absorb rejection. It's not like it's any more fun or easy for us, but we have to be built for it. From the first time we talked to a girl in seventh grade to last Tuesday night in the kitchen and 7am this morning before she was rushing out the door. Rejection is part of the architecture of being a man who pursues. But women simply are not built that way. And that explains everything.

1:39Many women claim to have never been rejected even once in their lives. Not once. Imagine that a woman might, might be able to handle it if she gets turned down once, possibly twice, but by the third time or so, something really interesting happens in her physiology. She starts to act like she doesn't want it anymore. She might even convince herself of it. Or more precisely, she won't let herself want it. Because wanting something you can't have is a specific kind of pain that women are exquisitely sensitive to.

2:16It's about what it means to her when you reject her and what it means about her that you have rejected her or the fear of it. And even if you specifically have never rejected her, the mere thought of it for many women is too painful to bear.

2:32You might say yes to sex specifically, but rejection comes in many, many small packages for women. Turning her down or not initiating with her in a way that she likes effectively means that you don't want her or desire her. Or in many Ways that she's undesirable to you. And this is extremely painful for women.

2:54Now, what this means in practice is this. If she doesn't feel pursued, if she doesn't feel like you see her, want her, are moving towards her, she's going to shut down that part of herself. Not to hurt you, not to. Not to prevent her husband or boyfriend from enjoying her or having sex with her.

3:13But any thoughts out of protection. And something that always blows me away year after year, is that she will wait, wait around, and she will hope. She'll drop hints so subtle you need a decoder ring to figure them out. And eventually she stops even doing that and feels like it's pointless until you're left wondering, what happened? Where did the love go?

3:41Why aren't things the way they used to be?

3:43There's something I want you to understand about how women think about this. And I want you to stay with me, because what I'm about to say sounds almost unfair, but it explains so much.

3:55Most women live in a secret little universe that sounds something like this.

3:59If I have to tell you that I want you, I'm already a little less interested. If I have to show you how to seduce me, I'm not as turned on as I was a moment ago. And if I have to explain it to you, I may not even know how to. And by the time I've tried to, something's already been lost and I'm just not interested or horny or turned on anymore. Guys, that's not a character flaw. That's the sad reality of how desire is actually works for most women. And I know this is probably something you've never heard before, but as I love to say, someone has to do something, which means the burden of initiation falls on you.

4:40Not because she's punishing you, not because it's unfair, but because the moment she has to do it, the magic is already slightly diminished. And knowing that should feel freeing, by the way, not frustrating, because you. You now know the game. You know the terrain. And I'm about to tell you how to move right through it. The best way I've ever been able to teach this, after years of doing so in an office with real couples, is this. You don't tell women. You show them. You don't ask for things from women. You take them there. You don't say, I want you, even though that could make her feel nice. You make her feel it. You make. You don't ask, do you want to go upstairs? Which is, by the way, one of the single most unattractive things to most women. It kills the mystery. It kills the excitement. It turns something electric into a committee decision.

5:32And I know, guys, this is hard to get your brain around, but ask any woman and she'll likely tell you it's true.

5:39Instead, you show up with calm, soothing energy, or with sexual, fiery energy. With your masculine presence and with the confidence of a man who knows exactly where he wants things to go and doesn't need permission to begin moving in that direction. Now, I want you to run a very simple thought experiment. A simple one, but not so fun. Think about the way that you, as a man, currently initiate with your partner. The moves that you make, the things that you say or do or don't do.

6:11And now imagine a stranger, someone who she doesn't know, doing exactly that to her.

6:20What do you think would happen? Would she look at that person and think, now there's a man who knows what he wants and start to undress or throw herself at him. Would she make herself available to him?

6:31Or would she think, this guy's pretty needy? Or he wants something from me, Or I don't know what it is. The energy is just kind of off and he's hoping I'll say yes. Because women feel the difference in an instant. They feel it in their bodies before they've processed a single thought.

6:49Masculine desire, real desire, reads as confidence.

6:53It reads as, I'm moving towards you because I want you. Not I'm tiptoeing towards you, hoping you won't say no. That distinction.

7:03Everything.

7:04Now, women do actually initiate. I wanna be clear about that. Some women are wired to take the lead and have no problem going after what they want. If you have a woman like that, lucky you, it's just very likely that that doesn't exist in your marriage or relationship. Sadly for many, most women in long term committed relationships, initiation tends to come under highly specific conditions. She initiates when she feels safe, when her attraction to you is running on high, somewhere north of the 60 to 70% range, she'll hit you up. When it's in a context where she controls the outcome. When. When you've helped take things off her plate, when you've been loving towards her and making her feel wanted and desired like we've been talking about. Or sometimes when she's finally just reached the end of her patience, she's extremely horny and she's just decided, let's get it over with because she realizes that you're never gonna turn her out.

8:47That last one, not the good version. That's not desire, that's resignation. What you want is the first version where she reaches for you because you've been moving towards her consistently.

8:59Because your energy in the room has been interesting or intentional or sexy or seductive. Because you've been looking at her like you actually see her. And you haven't been asking, you've been doing.

9:13When a woman initiates from that place, when she reaches for you because you've been that. It's one of the most extraordinary things in a long term relationship. Take it seriously, receive it well and enjoy the hell out of it.

9:26Here's what I want you to walk away with today. She's not withholding, she's not punishing you, she's not broken. And she very likely is a highly sexual woman. For more information on that, see my published works. Are you a highly sexual woman who just needs to get freaking? She's waiting for you to be the man who makes the waiting intolerable in the best possible way. The moment you stop wondering why she won't start things and and you start becoming someone she can't help but respond to, that's when everything shifts. You don't need to be louder, you don't need to be more aggressive, and you had damn well better not beg. But what you need to be is present, decided. Move forward with the calm confidence of a man who knows his woman and wants her and who doesn't need to say a word about it. That's the move. And you already have everything it takes to make it. You just needed a friend like me to tell you it's yours to make. I'm Tari. This is what Closeness is all about. Your new sexual education. And if this episode helped and brought you some practical pleasure, share it with someone who needs it. And come find [email protected].

He giggles when she giggles, cracks a joke the second it gets intense, and she ends up saying the one thing he never expected: "You don't take sex seriously."

After ten years of coaching couples, this is one of the patterns I hear most from women. Their partners get silly, tease, back off so they won't offend, or turn sarcastic, and never get primal. Most men were never given a model for masculine erotic presence, so when they feel it rising, it feels unfamiliar and exposed, and they deflect.

In this short episode I explain what's driving the deflection, what women are asking for when they want a man to show up, and two body-based shifts any man can start tonight: grounding into his body before he approaches her, and catching the moment he uses humor as an escape hatch so he can stay in the tension instead.

Listen nextWhy She Won't Initiate Sex (And What to Do About It)→

0:00I've spent the last 10 years coaching couples through their sex and intimacy challenges. And what I see consistently is this. Women tell me that their partners don't take sex seriously enough. They get too silly and tease, or they back down, so they don't upset or offend her. They might giggle when she giggles. If she laughs, he has to laugh. They might even be too sarcastic or condescending, and they might joke around to be playful, but they never actually get primal or erotic.

0:32If you see yourself or you see your partner in any of this, keep listening. Hi, my name is Tari from Closeness, and I've been a sex coach for over a decade. Today, I'm going to say the quiet part out loud by explaining what's really happening underneath all of that behavior. You see, as men, we don't really have a model for masculine erotic presence. And I want to say that phrase again because it's very likely you've never heard those two words put together.

1:00We wouldn't even know where to begin with erotic presence, building sexual tension or creating great chemistry. We weren't taught it. We don't see it or recognize it. And my experience is men try to thwart it or squash it the moment they start to feel it inside themselves because they get uncomfortable.

1:23So, ladies, when your husband gets too close to that energy, it feels unfamiliar to him, too vulnerable, too silly, too put on. He gets nervous, uneasy, and shuts down.

1:37What does he do instead? And how does he compensate? Most likely by trying to deflect, cracking jokes, using humor to keep things light or even ticklish.

1:48He tries to treat sex like it's cute or something that he needs to ask you to give him, instead of something that requires real, masculine, healthy dominance and presence. The problem is, if you're a woman, you've likely been asking for the opposite. You want to help him drop the performance, drop the joking and laughing and smiling, and show up as a man.

2:09But only women know what that really means for men. Listening. It means you've got to show up present, grounded and assertive or with dominant energy. And I'm pretty sure that you don't know how to access that because you think that playfulness is the safe bet.

2:27So you stay there.

2:29Let me be blunt. This tepid, careful behavior is killing your relationship. Taking sex seriously doesn't mean being too wooden or rigid or even too aggressive. It means understanding that eroticism has its own register.

2:44It's in a different mode or tone, if you will. It's a different energy or vibration, whatever you need to call it. But it's different than what you're doing now. Most men have never got permission to access it, and most men have never been taught how. Until now. So here's the first shift.

3:01Before you get into bed tonight, or sit with her on the couch or find her in the kitchen, get super intentional, and not just in your head, by thinking, okay, I intend to go kiss her. But in your body.

3:15Take a breath. Take three. Heck, take five or ten.

3:19Feel your weight beneath your feet. Feel your presence. Roll your shoulders back and have confidence in how you present yourself to her.

3:28Too much and she'll call you out. Too little, she won't even notice. I want you to drop out of that mental loop where you're wondering if you're doing it right and ground in to what's actually happening in the room with her. From there, it almost doesn't matter what you do next, as long as you aren't too aggressive and too passive. That single shift from your head into your body changes everything. You stop performing and you start being.

3:55You're tuning into her and seeing what's needed in the moment. Does she need a passionate kiss?

4:02Hint? Probably not. Usually not. She needs something other than kisses to get her started. For a lot of women.

4:11Okay, here's the second shift. Notice when you're using humor, sarcasm or jokes as an escape hatch and fallback plan.

4:20So you can always say, I was just kidding. I wasn't really trying to twist you out. If you catch yourself getting silly right when things are about to get deeper or more erotic, that's you leaving the room. Instead, stay.

4:34Let it be a little awkward, let it feel a little exposed, breathe through it and get to the other side of it.

4:40That discomfort is actually where the real erotic energy lives.

4:46That's where you can start to catch a glimpse of sexual tension. The very thing that you want to build with her. And of course, something that you can learn about by watching other closeness videos. Most men don't realize that eroticism is a skill. You can develop it. If you can get out of your own way long enough to foster some growth, you can get better at this, and your woman will thank you for it. The difference you'll see in her satisfaction and how she even interacts with you is palpable.

5:17And feeling yourself in your power, that's substantial. So the challenge I'm giving you is this. The next time you want something from her, try giving her something instead. Give her your presence. Try the first shift. Ground into your body. See what changes. Notice how different it feels when you're actually present instead of performing or seeking approval and validation. So if you're hearing this and thinking okay I get it but I actually don't know how to build this or move this into something substantial like how to go about it without feeling awkward and ridiculous, how to not feel like you're acting or role playing and you want to develop real presence and assertiveness or learn about healthy dominance that she responds to in a sexual way.

6:04 You've got a lot to explore but if you want a little more personal help for you and your partner or wife, I offer two on one sessions in person or virtually for those who want to go [email protected]. thanks for watching and I'll catch you in the

What does a woman look like when she's well loved and well satisfied? Open, present and curious, and almost never performing.

A well-loved woman isn't something you switch on with one move. It grows from connection, safety and a man who knows how to bring her out over time. When it happens, she becomes curious, playful and generous in ways you may never have seen. One caution first: none of this is a playbook to manipulate anyone. It's a mirror to check how you're doing.

In this episode I walk through fifteen signs a woman is deeply fulfilled with you, from trying things she's never done before and full surrender, to wanting all of your attention, a healthy obsession with you, admiring you when she thinks you aren't looking, coming again and again, guiding the experience, initiating, and a generosity most men never get to see. Plus two bonus tips on presence and on how to respond when she shares herself with you.

Listen nextYou're a Highly Sexual Woman. So Why Aren't You Getting What You Want?→

0:00Today we're going to talk about what a very well- sexed and well-loved woman looks like. And to me, those two things go handinhand, sex and love. While it certainly is possible to have sex with a woman and give her a mindbending experience, it's all the nicer, sweeter, and juicier when you have a connection, you're established, you're married, you're lover, she's your girl, however you want to define it, that is when these qualities really shine. Hi, my name is Tari from Closeness, the closeness podcast and closeness.com. And today you're in for a treat. We're going to talk about 15 ways a woman shows you that she's really well-loved, well sexed, excited for you, and turned on by you. A really well- sexed woman is not something that you can just flip a switch and make happen in the beginning. Although admittedly, as you get better at it, you can flip it on pretty quick.

0:48It's something that takes presence, focus, dedication, a true appreciation of woman and of her, and a strong care for her to want to have her open in that way. Now, a couple very important words of caution before we jump in. What I'm about to reveal should never under any circumstance be used to manipulate, take advantage of, hurt, harm, or harass another woman. These are things that are beautiful to learn about how women work. They're very special. You should use it as a guide to see how you're doing. But in my breaking them down like this, it's so you can understand each piece, not take advantage of her. Number two, your mileage may vary and your partner may exhibit some or all of these and she might exhibit none of them. Now, if she's not exhibiting any of these qualities, it is possible that she's loving you and that things are still working out for you. But I would say you'll want to take a very close look at your relationship and possibly get some muchneeded help in the intimacy

1:50department. You might be great parents, you might be best friends, you might get along in every other area. But if you're not seeing these qualities, it's very likely that your woman might be doing you a favor, a courtesy, doing it out of routine or because she thinks it's her wly duty. And none of those are really great reasons to have sex. And the third thing I want to add is that these are some of the most beautiful qualities I think a man and woman can experience. It is what makes life fun. It's the juice of life. The pleasure of opening a woman. True closeness comes from being present with your partner and her feeling safe enough to open herself to you so that she will allow you to do things to her and with her that she's never done before that she doesn't do with anyone else that she may have left in her past or feels inspired to try with you now. A well- sexed woman is curious, playful, electric, fun, and very likely will start to exhibit signs

2:53that she wants to do and try more things than you've ever thought you'd be comfortable with. Things that don't seem like her, things that you thought for sure she would never do. Things that she was against earlier on or you've overheard from different conversations that she would never do, suddenly become available to you. You can't get there by force. You can't get there through coercion or asking and certainly not by demanding. Number two is all about her allowing you to do whatever you want to her. Usually spoken in those words, do whatever you want to me. Just take me faster, harder, more, more, more. And this one is usually evidenced by a gesture of surrender. Hands over her head and wide, completely open. legs completely open and soft, legs spread as wide as possible, knees back by her ears, positions that might be tricky for her to get into. She allows you to do anything to her when she's really well sexed. And to me, what I like to call

3:56that is full surrender. Now, there's an important note here. Full surrender doesn't mean she's passive and her head is turned to one side and you're just doing whatever you want to her and she's just taking it and she's not present. Full surrender actually means that she's into you and she wants to let you do whatever you want to her while she's present and partaking in it and enjoying it and savoring it. Not letting you do whatever you want to her because she just wants to get it over with. That's a very different animal. Okay. Number three, she wants all of you. She wants all of your attention. She wants all of your cock. She wants all of your energy, all of your devotion. I know the word attention is a bit of a catchphrase today. Everyone's using it. We all know women love attention, etc. But she wants all your attention, your eyes on her, your desire ravishing her. It's funny that so many women use the word narcissistic to describe men because a woman's pleasure is so narcissistic

4:59itself. It's all about her. give me all of the looks, all of the love, make me feel wanted and desired. And when you have that pushpull in your interaction where she's expecting you to want her or wants you to want her more or she's putting her foot down, why don't you desire me? Or she's frustrated by this. This isn't it. You can't spark that out of nowhere. You can't just come to the interaction like, I'm going to give you so much more love now. You're going to feel my passion and intensity. It's something that has to either be there or you have to do it from the beginning, but you can't try to prove something to her. So, when a woman is really well sexed, she wants all of you. And that means if she could, she would live inside your head. She would understand all of your thoughts and the way you think, become a little obsessive over you, think about you during not so ideal times. It becomes a bit of number four, an obsession. and what I would like to describe as a very healthy obsession when done in the right way. When a man is losing his mind over a woman and

6:02constantly pining over her and obsessing for her, this might feel good to a woman in the moment, but it does get old really fast. When a woman is constantly thinking about you, devoted to you, obsessing over you, thinking about you non-stop, this is a very positive thing. And I do not again mean it in any kind of manipulative or power play sort of way. It's not about you having more power over her, even though someone always does in the relationship. There's usually someone who adores one person and the other person feels adored. And these roles can flip-flop. And man, is it nice to do that. But I do think especially as you deal with more and more exquisite women who are used to getting a certain degree of attention, the more you praise and pursue and compliment and chase and follow, the lower their sexual attraction to you. We think as men that we're showing appreciation to them or we're just so full of love. We're just like, "My god, you're so beautiful. I'm so into you. I love you so much." This is very sweet, maybe in the beginning, but again, for

7:06long-term sexual satisfaction, it's not so ideal. Even though I do think it's paramount to tell your partner that you love her and that she's beautiful and that you care for her, sometimes sometimes a lot of guys hear this messaging and it's just all or nothing. They go off the deep end. I'm never going to compliment her. I'm never going to say something nice. or you've got simp central where they're just buying gifts and doing extravagant gestures. And neither of these two things are particularly effective. Not everything is a happy medium, but this is one of those things where a happy medium matters. All right, number five. You catch her from the corner of your eye because that's almost always how women do it. Looking over to you, admiring you, feeling a fascination for you, enchanted, entranced. You're driving and she's just looking over, just checking you out quietly, trying to be koi. I don't know why women have such a hard time just doing this overtly the way men do. It's like, I don't want to get caught. I don't want him to see I'm

8:09looking. It's like, my god, if you've been sleeping together, it's fine to look. It's not a problem to look and admire your partner. I think it's beautiful. But most men, you'll not notice it overtly. Or you might catch her looking at you and then you say something to her like, "What?" And she goes, "Nothing." Very few women will speak up about what they're actually feeling and doing. But it's a very beautiful thing. If you do catch your woman looking at you, it's very nice to just wink back, look back, check her out, too. Bite your lip cuz she turns you on so much. Number six, this is a very interesting and fascinating one. She might develop small obsessions with parts of you. How can you understand this as a man? Well, in the same way you might be obsessed with her breasts, her nipples, her butt, her thighs, her hair, there's always going to be some form of sexual ornamentation that a man just goes nuts for. Women do the same thing, but similar to how they're more subtle when they check you out and when they flirt with you, the things they like are more subtle. She might like the size and

9:14shape of your hands. She might think they're very masculine or beautiful, or you might catch her looking at them. She may love your feet. She may want to suck on or lick your fingers or your feet or other parts of your body that might blow your mind. If you have a woman that you can tease and be playful with and you can say something like, "Gosh, you're a little freak, aren't you?" That's great. But when it comes to these super intimate behaviors, you don't want to shame her. You don't want her to pull back, shut down, try to hide it even more, or decide that she's never going to do it again because you caught her. So, if you see a woman complimenting you on your shoulders, your vtaper, your arm hair, your leg hair, your toes, your fingers, odd parts of your body that aren't something typical that you would notice yourself, chances are you've been putting it down on her rather well.

10:06All right, let's talk about number seven. She wants to hear from you all the time, even after you say goodbye. You might have sexed her for 2 hours. You might have laid with her for another two hours. You might have spent the night at her house and still the moment you go, unless she's exhibiting huge amounts of self-control or playing games, she wants to text you and call you and send you more information and hear from you and constantly have you in her life. This can be a really tricky one for some guys because it could feel like needy behavior, but if you're in love with her also, it can be a really nice thing. You can set the terms of how often you respond to her or how frequently you get back. If you respond instantaneously or you let it ride for a few minutes, it's not about playing games, but you don't have to set a precedent that you're always available for this woman 24/7. In fact, leaving a few things to mystery might do you a few favors as well. Number eight is super tender and sweet and kind of coincides with this idea of love and being well sexed, and that's that she'll want to do

11:09anything for you to help you. And here again, you shouldn't sex a woman up to convince her to do things for you. Of course, that would be manipulation. And by the way, women do this all the time. They use their sexual charms, their seduction, their beauty as a way to get you to do what they want. But she will want to do things that may often surprise you. So often in the landscape of today, we hear that men should be providing for women, taking care of women, taking them places, etc., etc. It's extremely refreshing when a well-fucked woman wants to do something for you, like take you out to dinner, take you somewhere nice for the weekend, do something special for you if it's manageable or in her budget, pick up flowers for you, bring you small gifts, think of you when she's doing something else. You really want to notice that, and you don't want it to be one-sided.

11:59You don't want it to all be gifts and items and things coming your way. I think also if you notice a woman's doing that, you might be tapping into her love language because as humans we do things that we want to have done to us. So if you notice she wants to do things for you, take you places, buys you little special gifts here and there, that's a very good sign that she's extremely well sexed and very satisfied in the bedroom. Number nine kind of piggybacks on number six, which was a fascination with different body parts. Number nine is that she may want to lick them and suck on them. And I don't just mean the usual. And it's going to tend to be places that guys, you really, really need to keep clean and super hygienic. And ideally, you should never let her put something in her mouth that you would never put in your mouth if it wasn't immaculate and clean. So, the obvious ones are deep French kissing, tongue of course, but also her sucking on and licking your fingertips, your hands, your arms, your earlobes, sticking her tongue in your ear, licking

13:04your neck and chest, and bathing you with her tongue, licking your nipples, licking your vtaper in line, doing all number of interesting things that might raise an eyebrow, but are extremely hot and passionate to her in the moment. And I'll give you guys a tip. In order for a woman to truly enjoy herself sexually, a few things need to happen. If her sexual level is up here, this doesn't mean her libido or her desire. It's not like, oh, hers is a 10 and yours is a two. But if her intensity or passion is here, and you're down here like, I don't know, that makes me feel a little uncomfortable or you freeze up or you get weird, she's going to feel shame. She's going to assume and think you don't like it and never want to do it to you again. You don't want this. In fact, there might be several things that you don't know about your wife, girlfriend, or lover of 1, three, 5, 10, or 20 years that she would love to do to you or with you or with someone who would bring that side out of her. And heaven only knows why. She doesn't want to immediately

14:07disclose it to you. you have to sort of seduce it out of her or give her such great sex that she feels inspired to share it with you. Tossing your proverbial salad might be one of those things. This deep dark curiosity that existed within her, but she always thought you would think it's gross or you would think poorly of her, therefore judging her and finding her disgusting. So with women there's always these you can see these like caverns that you have to work through these mazes of understanding in order to bring it out. It feels so logical and simple. Just tell me you want to lick me here or suck me here or taste this or that. And most guys might say that's awesome. But most women in the same way their vaginas are hidden in the same way their flirting techniques and their availability gestures are rather hidden and hard to decipher.

15:02So too is almost everything else and their desire to be more sexual with you in that way. Number 10 is a nice one and it's an invisible one. She won't mind the smell or taste of your pherommones, your sweat, your scent, the way you taste everywhere. Now guys, I got to make a disclaimer here because there's a difference between being a little fresh because you just had a nice workout, you lifted some weights or you took a class and she doesn't mind burying her head under your arms and smelling your man scent. But there's another kind of bro out there who might go to the beach, sit in the sun, surf all day, come back, be sandy, smelly, rank, salty, go get some lunch, use the restroom, not shower, go to bed without showering, wake up the next day, and expect some action from his girlfriend or wife. That's disgusting. Why would you ever want your wife's mouth or vagina down there after all of that nonsense? Wash yourself, bathe yourself, use hot water and soap, get yourself clean. But for the men who

16:04are a little obsessive about cleanliness and you're a little fresh from lifting weights, so you had a little walk outside or a stroll at the farmers market or park, a lot of women won't mind tasting you at all. When a well-sexed woman is near you, she'll enjoy the taste and smell of almost all of you. All right, let's talk about number 11. A woman can come and come and come and come and come. And there are a couple exceptions here. Yes, there are women like that who can fuck almost anybody and come and come and come. They're just super sexual beings. You may have a wife or girlfriend who believes that she's one and done. And to give you a bonus piece of information here, most women who think they're one and done and want to get on with her day, I think haven't had the opportunity to rest for 30 seconds to 2 minutes before going back again. They might get super stimulated or feel satisfied or feel distracted. But because men don't want to do anything that a woman doesn't want to do, good men, and a woman says, "Okay, I'm done. Let's go." Or, "Let's

17:06go to bed or that's enough for me or can you hurry up and finish?" It's because she's mentally checked out or she's gone somewhere else. But it is possible to shift her mindset a little bit and help her experience waves of pleasure that build and build and build and they keep getting better and better instead of just like [clears throat] and then done. You'll often be able to tell by the quality of her orgasm if she's more like and then just like peaks a little bit like that versus like some deep kind of guttural groaning that can come out of her. A well- sexed woman likes to come and come and come some more and she will probably exhaust you and outperform you by a long shot. I mean the cows come home, the sheep come home, days later still coming, still coming, still coming and always ready for more. Most men do not have the stamina or the ability to outlast most women. I've only come across one of them in my practice.

18:03[laughter] This poor lady sat down. She's like, "I thought I wanted it so hard and for so long all the time." And my man said, "Well, I like to thrust." And I didn't take him seriously, but boy, this man could thrust for 2 and 1/2 to three and a half hours and just go and go and go and go. But, and there's a big butt here. It's not about how long you can last, even though lasting a long time is imperative. It's about what you do with it, how you use it. Understanding and connecting with her, being present, riding her waves of pleasure, not being so goal oriented while also keeping the goal in mind, not having to make her come while certainly enjoying when you make her come. A well-fucked woman will come and come and come until she cannot move her body anymore until she is limp on the floor, a wet mess, and still maybe one more. Still, she might go for another one. It is unbelievable how far women will take things when it comes to their own sexual pleasure. Number 12, I want to specifically devote to this type

19:07of body fluid. meaning when you come, when you ejaculate. And again, I know there are certain types of women who will never get over the taste or smell of come. They hate it. They don't want anything to do with it. No ifands or buts. That's fine. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you or like you or doesn't lust after you. But what I found, many other bodily fluids are not tasty, attractive, delicious. even bodily fluids that come from the same place. But women get fascinated and infatuated with cum or semen and want you to either fill them with it, come on them. They want to feel and see that come in them. Very few, but some women want to feel it all over their face or in their mouth or they want to have it everywhere else. And sorry, I know it's a little graphic, but this type of an obsession is often reached by exciting a woman so much and turning her on so much that her primal instincts come out. And I personally think there's nothing more attractive than to see a woman who's so hungry for that, who loves it, who demands it, who

20:09expects it. For me, it completes the cycle. If she's coming and coming and coming some more and then she not only wants you to not just on her chest or on her butt where it's controlled by your hand and really frankly not that special for a man doing that but she wants it in her. She wants to take it all in her. This kind of allencompassing obsessive component about it. That's really where the magic is. Number 13 is another one of my favorites, and that's where she will start to begin to guide the sexual interaction. And that means she might get pretty demanding. She might demand to be on top. She might flip you over onto your back. She might hold your neck or your hands down while she's riding you so passionately. She might put her hands on the back of your ass and pull you into her at the speed she wants to feel you penetrate her. Most men are familiar with the opposite. The hand comes up, it rests against your chest or your stomach, and she slows down your thrust. When a woman's really well sexed and she's enjoying herself, she's welcoming it and moving her hips and

21:12guiding it. Great sex is never about a woman laying there just taking it. It's about her participating and expanding her sensation as well. And number 14 piggybacks on that as well, and that's that your partner is much more likely to initiate. I talk about all the time how women do not like to initiate, do not want to initiate. They don't want to dip their pinky toe into the well of rejection to initiate. They're tired of it. They don't want to be asked for sex. They don't want to do the work. But when you fuck her really, really well and you take care of her sexually and you love her, you might just find that you don't have to do much of the work at all in the beginning. A woman initiating, by the way, does not mean that she wants to initiate all through the entire sexual experience while you lay there and do nothing and just have your hands behind your head like this. You still have to participate, but she might just come rub her vagina on your thigh. She might just come bump up against you or grab your cock. She might do these things that men

22:16wish their partner would do, but they become especially more evident when she's very well sexed. And finally, number 15. We alluded to it a little bit earlier, but I want to give it its own place as female generosity. You know, I mentioned earlier that so many women carry the expectation that their man does everything for him. She just exists and he takes care of the rest financially, emotionally, protection, support, and she's just there along for the ride. A well-sexed woman loves to be generous with her time, her energy, her money, her body, everything. She wants to help you where she can. She wants to be there for you, support you, or give you fun ideas. This is one of the most beautiful aspects of a woman's generosity, and not a lot of guys get to see this. Sometimes you might catch a glimmer of it before things fall off the edge, and you're arguing all the time, or maybe you're not a good match for one another. But a woman's generosity is something that's very beautiful and shouldn't be taken advantage of. Because in the same way that they want to have

23:19all of you and take all of you inside of them, they also want to give in a very unbridled sort of way. And it's your responsibility as a man, as someone who protects her and takes care of her, that you don't take advantage of that, that you rein her in if needed. But it is nice sometimes to enjoy some generosity from a woman in that respect. Let me give you a couple bonus tips and then we'll wrap it up. Because a woman will let you do whatever you want to her, guys do get very careless and disrespectful. They throw her on the bed here. Move your leg like this. Open. Let me in. They become a little jerky with it. And women will tolerate this because they're in a state of either lirance or infatuation or erotica or high sexual tension. But it is nice to remember if you are going to grab a woman. It's like can you do it with presence? Can you do it with passion, can you do it not in a disrespectful or super aggressive way where she gets bumped or jarred unless she likes that sort of thing. You have to remember that no matter how hard a

24:21woman wants it and no matter how much she likes you, she's still a woman and still very delicate. Even tough women sexually and in the bedroom like to be abused. And I know it's just like with every episode because I've met the ones who do. Yes, there's a small subset who do that. Maybe you, but most women do not want to be like roughed up. They don't want markings left on their body. They don't want to be harmed in any way. They don't want to feel like like you don't care for them. You can be assertive, confident, rough, aggressive, whatever it is that she might like, but you want to do it in a way that doesn't leave her nervous system shaking up. You want to do it while she's always inside of a container that you are providing and protecting her with. Bonus tip number two. She might start sending you nudes, selfies, photographs of herself, and you can make certain requests of certain angles. But if you're just liking it, hearting it, loling it, god forbid, or saying nice or that's hot,

25:24and some boring ass comment to her exposing her body to you. Now, imagine, and I'm not at all recommending that you send a dickpick, but imagine that you do, and you send one to your partner and she either ignores it or says, "Nice." Wouldn't you be left a little bit like, "Is that all you think?" When you send your most intimate body part to her, same thing. If she's exposing herself to you, and in today's day and age, any image can live on the internet forever, it's kind of a big deal. So, you want to make sure you appreciate it. And maybe you do send back something of yourself if she's into that sort of thing. If you're happy with your build, you can do different angles. I would actually, unless your girl requests it, stay away from dickpicks, but almost anything else is uh not out of the question. And finally, there's a softness and a beauty to a well-fucked woman. It's delicate.

26:15It's present. It's subtle. It doesn't require this constant pounding. And as a man who's always goal oriented, trying to make her come, trying to make her feel more, trying to get her someplace, you can get really, really heady with the just like the go go go, fuck fuck, keep it going, keep it going. The pushing and pushing and pushing for more or more intensity or more passion or just trying to take her there or maybe you're you feel a bit like a machine or like you're doing cardio. That's not the best way to connect with a woman. The best way is to intermingle with her, to feel her sensation and ride her waves. If she's getting soft, you can get soft, too. Whether it's here or here, if she's relaxing into you, you can also relax into her. And yes, there are times where that polarity is essential, that male female dynamic, and you want to have your strong masculine energy against her femininity. But sex is not about non-stop masculine energy just monopolizing the situation. It's about

27:19blending and merging with her, finding that container and opening your heart as well. And so with that said, I think I will bid you a do. If you want to learn more about this, you know that you can always come in for a session, fill out an intake form on closeness.com. Thanks for watching and I'll catch you in the next one.

"Submissive" sounds like losing: to yield, obey, defer. So why do so many strong, capable women crave it in bed?

Submission is a loaded word, and even after a decade of teaching this I still feel strange saying a woman feels best when she yields to a man. It needs context. In a healthy relationship, a woman's submission is a free, conscious choice, with no pressure or convincing. It grows from safety and trust, and a man's calm presence is what lets her relax first and get excited second.

In this episode I talk about submission in a sexual context: the difference between a woman giving and a woman being taken, what "do whatever you want to me" asks of you, why yielding is how anyone receives pleasure, why anger and resentment make her pacify you instead of surrender, the habits that kill seduction, and how to entice her instead of expecting it.

Listen nextHow to Be Dominant in the Bedroom (Without Being a Jerk)→

0:00Hi, my name is Tari from closeness.com and today we're going to have a nice little talk about seduction and being submissive. The word submissive, I think, inherently has a very dangerous context. It's something I like to call a loaded word. It's like saying God, money, power. We all know what it is, but we have very different definitions for it. Dominance, submission, sex. And all of these phrases are very activating for people.

0:26So let's quickly define what being submissive actually is, because even the definition, I'm sure, is not going to sound great. To many people, being submissive means that you feel inclined to obey, yield, or defer to the will, authority, or desires of another.

0:43Now, when you hear that by itself, who's interested in that? I don't want to yield to the authority of another. Who is this other? And I don't think that every woman should yield and be submissive to any man. But if you are a woman, you also know that it's in your nature to want and to crave things like that. At the very least in the bedroom, you may not want them out and about, though most women find that when they find a man who's able to be that way everywhere, they love it because it helps you relax, feel safe, unwind.

1:18Most men don't have this thing in our heads where we are angsty and up in arms and worried everywhere we go and don't feel safe and are unsure. And what a man's masculine energy does is it soothes just a man's presence for most women, if he's not too silly, goofy, arrogant, you know, too much of anything. Most of the time, masculine presence relaxes women and then excites them. And sometimes that transitions really quick. She feels safe and then she feels wet, she feels comfortable and then she feels excited and curious. But that safety is what allows her to submit.

2:01And the funny thing is, even me, you know, a decade of experience teaching this stuff, I too still feel funny saying, oh, women will feel best when she's submissive to a man. That's a heavy statement. You can't just deliver that and then let it be. There's more to it. So I want to add this layer in the context of a woman being submissive to a man in relationship, it often involves a voluntary, conscious choice on her part. That means no force, no convincing, and no coercion. A voluntary, conscious choice to prioritize her partner's leadership, decisions and needs with the aim of creating harmony. But this dynamic is generally based on mutual respect, trust, a desire to support their partner rather than some kind of forced or passive powerlessness.

2:56Often what it means is that she delivers a softer approach rather than a combative one or a forceful one. Men tend to be like this. Women tend to be a little more like that. Now, friends, how you organize your relationship, if you see yourselves as two equal partners and she makes decisions and he makes decisions, and this is working for your relationship, far be it from me to interfere, but I want to talk to you about it in a sexual context, obviously, where a woman submits to the sexual direction and leadership of a man. And here again, far be it from me to say a woman can never lead. I love it when she does. When a woman never can get on top or initiates sex, it's all great on my part too. And I think that some of the best sexual experiences intermingle. And it's not just the man leading, leading, leading, leading, leading, leading. There's a give and take.

3:48But I find, especially at least when it comes to sex, that it still needs to be like, within the container of masculine leadership. And I'll give you a very easy example. I like the example of oral sex or a man receiving a blowjob because it's something that a woman is giving or performing or offering or doing for her male partner. It's how it's usually seen. Well, if a woman is doing that to a man, isn't he, in that moment, submissive? Doesn't he just lay back and relax? And the answer is sometimes. But how did you get there? Now, if a woman is really turned on, she loves you, she likes you, she's really horny, you guys have a good thing going. There's great chemistry. It's very easy for her to lay a man back, take down his pants and go to work. But I don't think that's the most exciting version for her, unless she's super into feeling powerful over a man or she loves the feeling of giving him pleasure. These are all valid things.

4:49And I think things like that happen all the time in the early stages of relationships when you meet someone for the first time or you're recently married or, you know, the first month or two or year or two of your relationship. I think a sexual woman feels very comfortable and confident to try and do these things and. Or she'll do these things in Vegas at the Foam Cannon party at the Playboy Mansion and all these other exotic spots, Ibiza, where certain types of behavior aren't reprimanded and certain types of behavior are encouraged. There's another kind of submissiveness. And that, I think, is what most people are expecting and are familiar with when they're thinking about a woman being submissive to a man. And that's kind of an idea of a femme sub, where she's being submissive for the pleasure of a man and his pleasure and him taking her and him doing things to her that he wants to do is turning her on.

5:47This doesn't work for everybody. I don't even think it works for most people. It's a very particular kind of relationship, and it doesn't exclusively exist in bdsm. But I do think it requires a certain type of female personality to want that. If you've ever heard a female partner say, I want you to do whatever you want to me. Just do anything. Just go. Or she's, like, pulling you into her over and over again, or she's kind of getting lost in a moment or there's a huge buildup. All of those things kind of lend themselves to that kind of energy where she wants to be taken. I think, by far, anytime a partner feels so comfortable with the other person that they have no problem with you doing anything you want to them, within reason. Obviously, that's a very exciting and I would even say very healthy kind of relationship, because I would like to assume that that means the partner has their best interest in mind.

6:44To put it in context, a man doing whatever he wants to a woman, I mean, that could go sour really fast. That can become very aggressive. That can become assault. That could become pain and hurt. And again, I know there are layers of that, and some women do like that sort of thing. But I think for most married couples, I think for most people in relationship, getting your female partner to allow you and give you permission to do whatever you want to her presupposes that you have her best interest in mind.

7:14So while you might be getting lost in the moment or super focused on what you're looking at below, or super into her body and feeling passionate about it, which, by the way, is also very flattering to a woman. You know, this is what I love about the way all this stuff links up. It's like when you put attention on a woman, she loves attention. When you are flattering her and showing her your lust and showing her how much you want her and desire her, that's exciting as well. And I know some of you in married relationships don't have that dynamic, so I'm not speaking to all of you, but the possibility of it is there. Her being ravished means that she's in full submission and allowing the man to ravage her. I mean, that's a very powerful word as well. She's feeling ravished. He's devouring her. There's that passion, that excitement, that energy that comes from his lust, his strong sexual masculine desire, and her submissiveness and her yielding so that she can receive. In order to receive, you have to yield. You can't get a great blowjob by not yielding. You can't have great sex by pushing your partner away. There has to be a yielding and allowing. Now, men often get confused and hear, oh, I gotta be dominant, I gotta be assertive, I gotta be aggressive. And it's very sometimes disrespectful. That's not the ideal way to go about it. But when it's done correctly, it's pretty messy, magical. But there are other aspects of submissiveness that aren't focusing on his pleasure. And I also, when I think of a woman being submissive to me, even though I've been with women who love seeing me enjoy myself, I still, in my heart of hearts, when I think about it, think I want to lead this experience so that she can have a wonderful time. And I hope what you're seeing as I'm laying all this out before you is that when a woman is authentically submissive, and when a man is authentically and in a healthy way dominant or assertive, or at the very least, willing to lead the sexual experience, goodness happens everywhere. She gets more turned on, she gets more relaxed, she gets more excited. She probably has more orgasms. There's more of that primal passion.

9:27And when the man has her best interest in mind, she's going to also come and come and come and come again.

9:36In order to achieve something like this, we have to let go of the idea that sex is expected a given.

9:45Something that men should just be given when they want it, if they're horny. And same thing for women too. This is a very difficult pill to swallow in relationship because I also understand that when you get married to someone, you're not thinking of not having sex with them. You're not thinking of having sex with others. You're not thinking, well, if it doesn't work out here, I'll just go get it. There you are committing to one another in sickness and in health, probably to have some form of intimacy. And ideally, outside of the one, two or three times you did it, to have some children. I'll talk more about that in different episodes. It's a bit of a Paradox, whether it's an expectation or not. But in day to day practicality, a man doing good deeds and then expecting a woman to have sex with him, or a man simply feeling hard and ready, or having desires to have sex with his wife because that's what he signed up for.

10:33She doesn't want it, or she's not turned on, or she's not excited, hardly constitutes great sex. Or a dynamic where there's someone dominant, submissive. If a woman is not in the mood to have sex and a man is expecting it and he's feeling dominant and leading and confident and he moves towards her to try to do it and she's like, yeah, I'm not in the mood. It is not attractive at all for him to continue to be dominant and try to.

10:59Operative words here. Force her in to submission.

11:03Now, interestingly, I actually believe that very few men ever consciously think or try to force a woman into submission. That's also really heavy language. That's really heavy activity. What I think happens is they don't strong arm their partner. They're not like bending her arm and saying, we're going to do this. They're not shouting at her saying, you need to have sex with me. But where it comes out is anger, bitterness, resentment, frustration being shut down.

11:36And anytime you show a woman those emotions in the sexual department, she's done, she's checked out, she's not having it at all.

11:45You can't simultaneously be pissed off at your partner, angry, hurt, resentful, upset, I mean even just one of those individually, and think that you're going to have a wonderful sexual experience or she's going to go, come and get it. That is not going to happen.

12:01Even if it has happened to you already, if it has happened to you, it's very likely that she has submitted against her will or done it because she doesn't want you to get upset or get angry. And so she doesn't feel safe, so she's trying to pacify you. That is not submission, that is not healthy submissiveness. That is not anything that you want to aspire to in your relationship. The answer then becomes that you want to entice her. What a phenomenal word that I've been using since the beginning of time. You want to excite, entice, appetize, wet her palate, Wet her palate. And of course, seduce. Seduction is not pulling the wool over your partner's eyes. How did she get here? Oh my God. How did her legs get open? What happened? That is sexual abuse. How did this man wind up inside of me. That is not seduction. And I'll give you the hit list of things that you don't want to be doing now.

13:01Asking for it, begging for it, doing good deeds for it, helping out around the house and therefore expecting it. Getting angry, upset, frustrated, when it hasn't happened in a week or two or three, or a month or two or three. Shutting down, getting cold, getting intense, playing games like tit for tat. None of that is seductive or attractive to a woman.

13:22So to bring things full circle, I think that most men do not understand the subtle and fine art of seduction and enticement. Men want, like, an easy button. I just pincher here, or squeeze this or slap that, and. And she gets excited. And all I have to do is do it once. And then she wants to do it like I do. I just get horny for her because I see her. I want to have sex with my wife. Very simple. And men just cannot seem to see outside of, I see you, I'm attracted to you, I want. Women aren't the same way.

13:58Not always. Yes, women do have spontaneous arousals sometimes, but it's much more suggestive, open to suggestion, susceptible to warming her up or spiking her emotions. Seduction can actually happen really fast, in like three to 30 seconds. You can go from just existing and in short order seduce a woman in such a way that she's ready to have sex with you immediately, that her body begins to pulsate and get wet for you immediately. But it's not by just being yourself. Role playing, pretending you're someone else, acting like somebody else. We go into that in different episodes too. It's done through a degree of presence and consciousness and not being rattled in your core when you stand in front of her and you feel nervous, or you don't know what to say, or you giggle, or you get shy and submissive as a man, or you get disrespectful, or you try something and it gets shut down and now you just feel permanently rejected. Seduction is an art that takes practice over and over again. It's something that you need to repeat and do, and it's not the same button every time.

15:11Even if you have the same button, I don't recommend pushing it over and over and over again because nobody wants to eat oatmeal every day. At some point, the same thing gets old. So take that concept that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results is not going to yield hot, awesome, amazing sex. You can have a pattern. You can have a routine. You can have your best hits, you can have things that she likes, but if you get too used to it, it's not very useful at all. Now if you're a woman listening to this or a man and this is resonating with you and really making sense, you want to get this handled? Well, you can fly me out for a weekend learning experience. You come to my office here in San Diego. You can visit closeness.com and check out the Closeness podcast. And if you love this episode, please send it to someone who you think needs it or at the very least give it a like a friendly comment or subscribe so you don't miss any additional future videos. Thanks and I'll

Twenty years together, best friends, great parents, and she's about had it with how he touches her.

If a woman knows little about sex, a man can teach her and usually loves doing it. When the woman is the more experienced partner, things get much harder. This episode is a case study built from many couples: two people who love each other, share values and raise children well, with a sexual skill gap wrapped in years of hurt that makes it feel impossible to fix.

I walk through how the gap forms, often from shame-based religious upbringing and a man whose whole sexual life happened inside one relationship, and the doom loop it creates: she gives feedback, he hears failure, he freezes or races to finish. Then a six-step plan: individual work for him, rebuilding with words before touch, repairing one careless comment from years ago, taking the pressure off orgasm, initiation moves that don't ask permission, and moving her feedback out of the bedroom so he can win.

Listen nextEmpathy and Answers for Sexually Inexperienced Men→

0:00If you're a woman who's been in a long term relationship that spans years or decades and you've about had it with your husband's or partner's inability to satisfy you or to approach you and seduce you in a way that really excites you, this episode may very well be for both of you. Welcome to the Closeness Podcast, your new Sexual education. My name is Tari. I'm your host. If it feels like you haven't heard from me in a while on the oral side of things here, it's because I've been making a considerable amount of content on YouTube, X TikTok and Instagram.

0:32I thought it would be fun to hop back on the traditional podcast format and create an episode based on an amalgamation of hundreds of couples that I've seen over the past decade. So while you may resonate with this episode, or you may strongly resonate with this episode, I'm not talking about you, but I am talking to you.

0:51We can call it an anonymous case study if you will, but I think it's highly likely that whether you've been with your partner for a week, or a month, a decade or three decades, you're going to find something that hits home outside of mismatched libidos, which is possibly one of the most difficult things to fix in a relationship. When one person's drive is through the roof and the other one's barely exists. The next difficult hurdle to get over is when there's a skill gap. The skill gap is real, and yes, it can be fixed, but it's exceedingly difficult when a man's skill set is significantly less than his female partners.

1:31This may happen if he was raised in a religious household, a very conservative home, or had parents who weren't very sexual or affectionate, or just simply was quirky enough to never really care about it, or you just happen to be his first love. And a warm congratulations to you. You've been together for the last 20, 30, 40 years. But because of that, his sexual education likely stopped when he was a teenager.

1:56If a woman doesn't know anything about sex, or doesn't know her way around the bedroom, or doesn't know how to give a great blowjob, or doesn't know how to be or perform sexually, so to speak, this is an easy fix. A man can simply teach her and it's not a problem. He doesn't mind doing so. In fact, he probably loves doing so. It's exciting for him. It's a turn on. But if a woman's skill is significantly higher than a man's.

2:22This is where we run into some trouble. Because almost no woman wants to teach her partner how to do it. It's frustrating, it's annoying for her. And by the way men, this is not your fault for not knowing her unconscious choice to become angry, vicious, mean, cruel, condescending, negative, short tempered, short fused is not your fault and your problem. It just happens to be a part of female nature.

2:47So let's take a look at a couple that in this case is 20 years into their relationship. Now, why some people wait months, years, decades to get this handled is beyond me, but many, many of us do.

3:03Many women will get to the place where they're sexually frustrated. They both know it, and neither of them know how to break the cycle because it's either exceedingly difficult for them to talk about it, someone is reactionary, someone is accusatory, or someone, AKA her, has rediscovered herself sexually, or has begun to discover what she actually likes, or has finally given herself permission to indulge in fantasies or figuring out what they are, or has finally realized that the same old tired way of having sex that she's been doing for the last 5, 10, 20, 40 years isn't cutting it for her anymore and her body cannot take it anymore.

3:50So let's say that in our case study, our imaginary couple has been together around 20 years. In your personal situation, you might have been with someone for one or five or ten, but the rules still apply.

4:03This couple has children.

4:05They genuinely like each other and love each other. They parent well, they share values and life goals, and they both might even say, as almost every one of my clients do, that they're best friends.

4:19But their sex life is, to use her words, not great.

4:23What's going to make this episode fascinating is you're going to get both of their perspectives back to back. It's a little heartbreaking, but fixable at the same time. So here's a little snapshot that will tell you a lot. She has an extremely healthy sex drive. She masturbates frequently, if not daily, has no problem reaching orgasm, knows exactly what she wants. Clitoral stimulation, dirty talk, dominance, a man who takes charge. She's kinky, experienced, and she's been patient for years at this point, decades, trying to guide this man. And she is done being patient. This also plays into why women don't want to teach at this point, something she might have been willing to do in the beginning. When you guys are in your romance phase, when you're first figuring everything out, is a very Very different story many years in now. Who is he in this case? We're going to say he's only had one or two partners, but it's highly likely that in your situation, he might have been a virgin when you met each other.

5:30He might have been raised in a conservative religious household where sex was shame and masturbation was sin.

5:38And especially if he's never had another sexual partner, his entire sexual identity was built inside this one relationship. And that one fact is going to color every aspect of their sexuality. Because no matter how much he loves her, how much he tries, how much he cares about her, it is just impossible to not get stuck for both of them in old childhood patterns. And this also goes for men who are very sexually experienced, but maybe they've had sex with five or 10 women, but it's only been once or twice.

6:11So this relationship, where he's been married for decades, has been telling him in no uncertain terms that he's not good enough in bed for years. You've got two people at complete opposite ends of the sexual experience spectrum trying to meet in the middle, and they keep missing each other.

6:30She's communicating clearly and he's hearing it as criticism.

6:34He's trying and she's watching him fail to retain anything that she's taught him. So it's a bit of a doom loop.

6:42On top of all that, it's very likely that the way she's talking to him and teaching him and trying to help him learn is being done in a condescending, disrespectful manner, one that no man would want to be spoken to in the doom loop is this. She gives feedback, he shuts down, he doesn't implement.

7:02Sex stays bad, she initiates less. He feels rejected, she feels resentful, his confidence drops further. And now they haven't had sex in months.

7:14And from my perspective, this is textbook sexual avoidance. Driven by shame and performance anxiety on his end, and on her end, accumulated resentment from carrying the entire sexual load of the relationship, including her own orgasms, for close to two decades.

7:33This type of cycle is what makes sex feel very nasty for the woman.

7:39He might finish and might finish quickly and say, well, that was nice or that was fun, while she's left to deal, cleaning up everything else. Her body, his bodily fluids, the sheets. And the only thing that she can possibly think is, yeah, that was good, maybe for one of us. Oddly enough, couples like this still like each other. They're still best friends. And this I cannot tell you. It matters enormously to people.

8:07We're Best friends is probably the number one thing I see written on every intake form that I read. And every single time there's a disconnect sexually.

8:20So this isn't a couple that has contempt for each other. They're a couple with a very specific, very solvable skill gap. And it's wrapped in years of emotional scarring that makes it feel unsolvable.

8:35So let me name what this actually is. He has sexual performance anxiety compounded by shame based religious conditioning. And for you guys who are listening, you might swap this out with bad parenting, poor upbringing, your parents never speaking to you about sex, never having a good understanding of it, never having a facility with women, never having women show you what to do.

9:01He has never had a sexual success story outside of this relationship, and therefore he has no reference points. And again, this goes for men who have had sex with multiple women. But maybe it hasn't ended well, or you finished in two to three minutes, or she didn't give you positive feedback.

9:21So when she says touch me here, even if she says it kindly, his nervous system is reading it as you're failing.

9:30And a man who thinks he's failing in bed goes one of two ways. He either doubles down and gets better, or he freezes and avoids.

9:39In our story today, he froze.

9:43Now, the odd thing about this kind of an avoidance strategy is it tends to make a man also want to race. Race to orgasm, race to finish, race to try to make her come, try to get it all done before he has time to fail.

10:01He's not being selfish because he's a selfish person. He's being selfish because slowing down means risking failure and failure is excruciating to him.

10:13Meanwhile, the woman needs the exact opposite of what's happening to him.

10:18She needs either slow or intense, or she needs buildup.

10:24She needs a man who can take control and take charge, knows what he wants, knows what she wants, and knows how to implement it with his implement.

10:33She needs a man who's not in his head, who's present and focused on her. And when someone is feeling so much shame and guilt about their situation, it is almost impossible for a man to show up like this. No matter what he's taught, no matter how patient she's been, and no matter what book he reads because he is stuck in feeling shame, guilt, inadequacy, sadness. She has literally told him dirty talk. Clitoral stimulation, dominance, don't race to penetration. These are very, very simple strategies.

11:09He doesn't even know what to make of them, especially the dirty talk he hears It. But he doesn't execute. Not because he doesn't care he loves her, but because in the moment anxiety is taking charge. Then there's also another compounding factor. The oral sex situation. This is something that really slows couples down. He or she might have made a comment very, very early on in the relationship. It might have been about the way her vagina looked or tasted or smelled or, or was groomed or manicured and she never forgot it for decades. He didn't know this. He just thought he made a gentle passing comment.

11:51And by the way, she also may have made a comment that hurt him that he never forgot. One that might sound like, I don't like to give blowjobs.

12:01And then he took that and ran with it and then never ever requested it again.

12:07Whereas that was what he heard. But what she meant was, I have to be in the mood or I won't do it to someone I don't love. Or I like to get a little when I give a little. So when someone makes a comment and the other person takes it personally and then never addresses it, that door then gets closed for the next 15, 20, 25 and 30 years.

12:2920 to 30 years of your life. I mean, this is a lifetime of not being able to experience physical pleasure in one of the best ways possible because someone took a comment the wrong way, or someone said something insensitive, or someone didn't even know what they were saying when they were a teenager.

12:50So let's say he made a comment about her down below.

12:55And now not only will she not let him enjoy her, she will deny her self orgasm despite being highly clitorally responsive and fully knowing that oral sex with past partners was out of this world for her.

13:10One careless sentence.

13:12Two or three or four decades, no oral sex. This is how fragile sexual confidence is.

13:20And friends, if you're hearing this and this is resonating with you, this is why it's so important. Like, if you can't bring up these subjects, you have to get a third party involved, obviously, such as myself. But just saying something can break the silence.

13:37If you are resonating with this and you know someone else who would really benefit by hearing this episode, please send it to them or have them visit closeness.com to book a paid session. Let's get back to the episode. But that tells us something critical about how to fix this problem. Because what broke it was words.

13:55And likely what's going to rebuild it is also words. Specifically his words to her.

14:01So if this particular couple came in to see me here's what we would actually do to help them out. Typically, it's not necessary to work with men by themselves, and in fact it can even hinder their performance with their partner because they'll think they understand something from me or from who they're working with, and then they go home and implement it and it's a disaster because she wasn't there for me to read her body language, what she likes, what actually turns her on, etc.

14:28But in this case, and with this particular couple, he would strongly benefit from some individual sessions to help and make sure that the couple's sessions actually work. Because his shame, his performance anxiety, it would be very difficult for those aspects to be processed while she's in the room. When you sit down with another man, one on one, it gives you a place to unpack the religious conditioning, the virgin in a long relationship identity, and the years of feeling inadequate without your wife watching.

15:02Now, another path some couples may choose is to address these subjects separately and with different professionals. So you come to me, for example, for the intimacy, the sex, the communication, the building chemistry, and anything related to intimacy. But to work through that childhood piece or the long standing shame element, sometimes people prefer to have their own psychotherapist, therapist, or even healer of sorts.

15:30The next step is to rebuild via verbal, not necessarily physical. So in this case, our imaginary client wants dirty talk. And there's no way he could do it in the moment because he's anxious. When a woman wants dirty talk, it sounds like you just say some nasty dirty things and it's hot and she gets turned on. Then you have sex. No, there's context, tone, attitude, the energy you have when you say it, the way you look at her when you say it, the power behind it, and whether or not she believes that you can execute on some of the things that you're saying.

16:04But the way that you can start with dirty talk is through texting. Maybe he sends her one explicit text per day. What he wants to do to her, what he's thinking about.

16:15No pressure to perform, no live audience.

16:18He builds the verbal muscle in a low stakes environment first.

16:24Step three the Oral Reset.

16:28One way to address previous pains or trauma is to write your partner a letter. A direct acknowledgment about the comment that he made, what turned her off. It doesn't necessarily have to be an elaborate apology, but something along the lines of I said something stupid years ago and I never meant it. I've thought about it, I want to try again, I want to taste you again, I Want to enjoy you again. This was so long ago. It's not even me anymore. We've grown together. I've grown with you. And then, if she's open to it, whether it's scheduled or spontaneous, maybe she wants it to be scheduled. A lot of women don't. A fun, playful interaction where his only job is to go down on her until she tells him to stop. No penetration, no rushing. She just talks him through it in real time if she'd like to. This would be one way for skills to get built.

17:23Now, step four is removing the orgasm from it being his responsibility.

17:28Again with the qualifier here. Being in this particular situation, I generally believe that woman's sexuality can be so much more complex than men's that it is important for a man to take responsibility for her orgasm. And if he knows what he's doing, and for a multitude of reasons, she may not be able to figure it out. She may require lots of different types of stimulation to get there. She may never have had phenomenal orgasms during sex. It may require you to use a toy and your fingers and your mouth and everything else.

18:03So many women are already using vibrators during sex. And in our story, she is too. This isn't a problem, it's actually a solution. But in order for him to reframe it as a participant in that, he needs to not be displaced or replaced by it. His job during sex is to be present with his voice, his hands, eye contact, pace.

18:26Maybe she handles her orgasm with the toy, but maybe he can hold it as well. Maybe he can have his hand on top of hers. Maybe he can stay in the scene. That means he's actually present with her. They're making eye contact. He's participating, even if he's not using himself to stimulate her. And this is instead of letting her get hers or letting her handle it, or worst of all, racing to the finish line before she ever gets there.

18:56Step five, we would need to look at, as we so often do, methods of initiation.

19:02This is by far the thing that blows couples out of the water every single time they step into my office. And almost every man has no clue how to initiate with a woman. But to be fair, almost every woman has no clue how to initiate with a man. Nor does she know how to ask for what she wants or needs.

19:20Consequently, want. A back rub is not foreplay. He needs at least three, but maybe, ideally five or six. Go to initiation moves that don't sound like a timid request for permission. Not a script, a posture, an attitude, an energy she's told him many times she wants to be firmly squeezed or grabbed. She wants to feel claimed. She wants to be taken. This does not mean softly rubbing her arms or putting your head on her head, or gently, softly. A hand reaches out in the middle of the night, so come up behind her in the kitchen or maybe in the bathroom when she's getting ready, but her position doesn't look compromised or she's not in a rush. Press up against her firmly, maybe with your waist or your entire body, and say something low and direct into her ear. Don't ask, don't hedge. And then carefully watch her response and respond accordingly.

20:22Step 6 It's very likely that a woman has been doing all of the heavy lifting during sex. And that means sometimes real time instruction. Stop. Faster, harder. Do this. Lick here, kiss me here, bite me here, slap me here, taste me here. This feedback loop is likely killing his confidence in the moment.

20:45So instead of her giving play by play or blow by blow, which is what a lot of men want, it's better to debrief afterwards outside the bedroom when it's not charged, she says one thing that she liked, or two or three. He says one thing he wants to try next time.

21:03Small forward facing, not a critique session. But she is allowed to speak up and mention things that she doesn't like or she doesn't find pleasurable.

21:14With couples like this, I don't want to sugarcoat it. It's very likely the woman is at an inflection point and it's because she's waited so long before she's taken action or so long before she's done something about this. And I understand that many of you women listening out there will say, I have taken action, I have tried to address it.

21:35But if it's always been in the same way, through criticism, critique, put downs, pulling back, it's not helping, and it's likely doing far more damage than good.

21:46One of the hardest things to address in these types of situations are the very real conversations that sometimes need to be had around whether or not you should stay together, whether or not this is a big enough and important enough issue. And by the way, I know a lot of you minimize it, but it really is. Usually someone will get to the point where they say, if we can no longer talk about sex together, I don't see a path forward.

22:12It's not a threat.

22:13It's a person who's been patient for 20 to 30 years telling you that the well is nearly dry.

22:21As a man when you hear this, when a woman has almost had it and she's holding on by a thread. Which, by the way, if I was consulting someone in a dating situation and the woman was holding on by a thread, or someone had been together for a year and there aren't children involved, I would actually advise the man that he's probably going to get broken up with soon or he may want to think about getting out of the relationship. Because it is very hard for a woman to stay once she's hit the point of no return, once she's already thinking long and hard about getting out.

22:53But in this couple situation, you have to understand that this is not a normal rough patch. This is something that means a lot to the other person.

23:02It's not one of the ups and downs in the marriage. It's not something that just gets fixed with a little bit of time and a good night's sleep.

23:10It's a structural problem that requires structural change.

23:14Not one good week of trying, and then every woman's worst nightmare reverting back to the way it was after getting her buy in.

23:24But here's something for the ladies who might find themselves in this situation.

23:29Coaching your man in the moment, trying to explain and adjust and help him understand what you like during sex. Even though this is exactly what a lot of men want, and logically it makes sense, it's very likely that this hasn't been helping. When you have that shame element or an element of self loathing, it's not because she's wrong about what she likes. It's not because she's wrong to want to teach him and show him that's actually awesome.

23:57It's because his nervous system cannot receive correction during the act. It's too vulnerable, too intimate, too exposing. There's too much going on, too much at stake.

24:10She's got to change her delivery method, not her message.

24:14And he needs a win.

24:16If the female partner in your relationship is naturally dominant in their sexual dynamic, if she's more experienced, more confident, knows exactly what she wants, and he's been playing catch up since day one. At some point he needs her to let him lead, even if it's imperfect.

24:34And women, you really have to ask yourself, well, if I do it my way, it's going to feel better. If I let him do his way, it's going to take too long or end too quickly or he does this thing that I don't like or I don't know.

24:45But if you want him to win and you want this to get fixed and you want a solution and you want him to begin to step into the shoes of the kind of man you want him to be. You got to let him lead.

24:58What's the alternative, ladies? You continue to get frustrated, exacerbated, irritated with him. You start to feel resentment towards him or even dislike him for how he's behaving. You punish him in the act.

25:13So it's not forever. It may not be perfect and it doesn't have to be every time, but once in a while where you do not correct him or redirect him, but you just receive him. This experience of I did that and it worked is what breaks the shame cycle.

25:33He has never had that.

25:38Now, sadly, when pain goes on like this for quite some time, it's very likely that one or the other partners may develop an emotional affair with someone outside the relationship. And it might be sexual, but it might also be attention based, praise based, he just makes me feel good based.

25:58Someone who's nice to you, someone who flirts with you or sees you, or doesn't make you feel small.

26:04What the person who committed the transgression needs to understand is that when their partner brings something up that's bothering them and the transgressor shuts down or minimizes or.

26:17We've talked about this, we've been there. I don't want to deal with this again.

26:21You are repeating the most painful dynamic of your marriage.

26:25So staying present, even though it's uncomfortable, is not an option at this point. It's like the whole game.

26:32So to close, is this a fixable situation? One where a woman has been with many different partners, knows what she likes sexually and a man is sexually inexperienced?

26:43Absolutely. Especially if they have the foundation and they're best friends and they're really close to one another and they're great parents and, and they share values and have a genuine desire to fix it. And that is the key word, ladies and gentlemen, the desire to fix it. And they both have to have it.

26:59What our couple today didn't have were the right tools for the job or the right delivery system for those tools, which is learnable. But it does require both people to do the internal work that likely both have been avoiding. Specifically around shame, around possible religious conditioning, around upbringing about what it means to be a sexually confident man when you've spent your entire life feeling like you're failing the woman that you love.

27:29I believe more than ever in today's day and age, it is almost impossible for a man to feel like a sexually confident man almost around anybody.

27:41Comfortable naked, comfortable with his body, comfortable around her body, navigating her. Her body, her orgasms, her ups and downs, her weight gains and the way she feels about herself. All of these things and so many more come together to be a sexually confident partner.

27:59It also requires the female partner to give him a real shot.

28:04Not another year of the same cycle. Not he's got one chance to fix this. Which, mind you ladies, is going to be extremely hard for you when you're already at the end of your rope.

28:14But a genuinely different approach, which can only happen in my experience after you've done a coaching session like this or you've had your breaker switch reset. It needs a different approach where the feedback isn't real time correction in the moment and the standard isn't perfection. It's a shot where the man feels like he can succeed.

28:37And many, many women who are frustrated and rightly so, who are hurt and rightly so, will never ever give their man a chance to feel confident or succeed.

28:49Alright, some final notes before we wrap up. The idea of texting or dirty texting before performing is underused. In reality, most people will never do it in real practice. But this is something that genuinely works for men who freeze under pressure.

29:07Dirty talk is a muscle. Sexual confidence is a muscle.

29:11Being able to perform is a muscle.

29:14You don't build it mid performance in front of someone you're already anxious around and worried that they're judging you. You build it when the stakes are low. First, number two. A woman cannot be both the person he's trying to please and the person coaching him on how to please her at the same time. It's too much of a role conflict. Now, many of you listening may be in a situation where you're still saying to yourself, wait a minute, I want her to tell me. I want her to give me the guidance for her to tell me what feels good. You're going to find in most cases, sadly, and maybe even at the end of the day, erroneously, that the woman and your woman does not want to do that because it's not hot, it's not exciting, it's not helpful for her, it puts her too much in her head. It makes her feel like she has to lead and make choices. And all of those things do not usually lead to sheet clenching orgasms.

30:12But for those of you women who do teach their man and who do put in an earnest effort trying to show him what you like and how to turn you on, I totally get it. You want your man to know, you want him to learn. You want to have a good time and everything he's doing feels wrong.

30:26It just tends to be the case that you need a third party to help work through some of this and to create that breaker switch, that reset that you're looking for.

30:36Because until that shifts, every piece of technique and advice that you give him is always going to land as evidence that he's failing.

30:46And I think I can safely say that if our imaginary couple does the work, he does some solo work, he puts the right energy into her, she changes the feedback loop, she's able to be patient a little bit longer, a little more receptive to his advances and quirky initiation strategies.

31:05I would bet on this couple. I genuinely would.

31:10And there you have it. That is the Closeness Case Study today.

For him, the breakup comes out of nowhere. For her, it's a decision she's been living with for months, sometimes years.

Most men experience a breakup as sudden: one conversation and the ground disappears. By the time a woman says the words out loud, she has usually been carrying the decision for a long time, talking it through with a best friend or her family, or holding it entirely inside so she won't hurt him. That gap between his surprise and her certainty is where much of the pain lives.

In this episode I cover the most common reasons couples break up and then go deep on the hardest one: two good people, and one of them, usually her, has outgrown the relationship sexually and emotionally and doesn't know how to say it. For women, why staying silent to spare him isn't the kindness it feels like. For men, why chasing harder when she pulls away almost never works, what to do instead, and how to find your footing when she's done.

Listen nextHow to Know If a Breakup Is Coming, Part 1→

0:00By far one of the most difficult parts of relationships is the breaking up process. And whether or not you should break up or you should even have the conversation with your partner about it, not talking about it and keeping it all to yourself will likely be one of the most devastating things you can do to yourself and even more so to your partner.

0:22Hi, my name is Tari from closeness.com. i'm a relationship expert, a sex and intimacy coach, and, and generally I'm known for helping people get together, stay together, and have more meaningful and impactful sex, closeness and intimacy in their relationships. But it turns out that that same warm and empathetic tone that helps bring people together is also extremely helpful. And what people often need when they're debating or needing help with whether or not to break up.

0:50Usually this involves some type of mediation, getting it all out on the table, figuring out what's what, figuring out what's true. And so a lot of people come to see me on the verge of a breakup or when they're trying to figure out whether they should or shouldn't, or someone's been holding on to a secret and they don't quite know how to articulate it and they want help getting out of the relationship.

1:14So this podcast is dedicated to breaking up and how to address it. If you're thinking about it, breaking up isn't fun for anyone, and it could be an extremely emotional process, even for me. But there's something so necessary about getting to the truth of your situation that it cannot be avoided.

1:35And I think that knowing is better than not knowing, that bringing truth to light is what matters. And that when you get clear on what's actually happening, know not worried about it, not paranoid about it, or anxious, freaking out when you're clear, oh, my partner doesn't love me anymore. Oh, my partner's not feeling it. Oh, they've been wanting to get out of this for quite some time. Well, the first reason why someone might break up is because someone cheated. And here only a handful of things happen. Someone stays or they leave because cheating is absolutely unacceptable, or cheating means many things to many people. So some people stay in it while one person continues to cheat in many different ways and the other person can continues to deal with it. And that is its own can of worms to untangle as to why people do that. The second reason people tend to break up is because of some form of abuse. And here too, you can do an entire episode on this because you have emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sometimes both people are feeling like they're being abused. This also will not be covered in this episode. Number three. You might be in a codependent relationship, addicted to one another, but you both are like hot oil and water. You don't see eye to eye. You argue about everything. Everything's always a problem. Someone's always in fight or flight, or both of you are. Someone's always angry or upset or hurt or disappointed. And these relationships by far can be the most seedy and shady because people stay in them, because there's love. I love the person. I care about the person. We have so much history. We've gone through all this together.

3:10And that also will not be what this episode is about.

3:14But then we get to number four, and this is where couples grow apart, where they've become different people.

3:21Sometimes they've been married for religious reasons. Maybe you're high school sweethearts. Maybe you got together when you were 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, and now you're still together in your 30s, 40s, or 50s. Maybe you haven't been with anyone else except this one partner. Or the worst situation of that is where the male partner has only been with one woman and that's his wife and she's been with other men and knows what else is out there and knows what it's like. But what winds up happening and what the core of this episode is about is somebody wants something different.

3:58Someone has grown out of the relationship and usually it's the female partner who wants more.

4:08More experiences, more sex, intensity. This is coupled with the belief that she doesn't believe her current partner can give it to her. And we'll get to this later. But a sneak peek of what that translates to is that no matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries to step up, she doesn't want it to be him.

4:32She loves him, she cares about him, and at the same time she feels done with him.

4:40So this is precisely what we're going to explore today are situations like this. I'm probably going to be speaking about it as though it's the woman breaking up with the man, but it certainly could be a man breaking up with the woman or a woman breaking up with another woman, a man breaking up with the man. But I'm going to start with a very interesting premise. What causes the most pain in these kinds of situations and what is the most devastating is very specifically the things that women tend to do naturally and often think that it's the right thing to do, such as not wanting to hurt their partner and not wanting to talk about it. With their partner, meaning cue them in to what they're feeling and what's going on.

5:24So they keep it a secret, they hold it in, and they don't tell him anything for weeks, months and years, sometimes decades. The truth of what's happening is that she's being secretive.

5:39What she thinks she's doing is figuring it out in her head. And I understand.

5:45Why would you want to blow up your marriage, your relationship, your engagement, your family, if you don't know yet if you're doing the right thing?

5:55I'm not feeling it anymore. I don't know what this is. I don't know what we're doing. We may need to break up and just vomit out emotion and think that they were being honest and truthful and their partner should just deal with it. Because that's obviously going to cause a major problem in the relationship. If a woman specifically communicated to me that she doesn't know if we should be together anymore and then the next day forgot about it like it was nothing, I wouldn't forget about it. That would sit with me for the rest of the relationship, and I'd be wondering, should I be walking on eggshells? There's merit to not wanting to destroy your engagement, blow up your marriage, and so on and so forth. So it's both unhealthy to just say immediately what you're feeling and thinking, but you're also being secretive and keeping your partner in the dark while you are figuring it out, while you're processing it. So a woman often leaves a man completely in the dark. And this is the thing that has to be understood by both parties. If you're a man listening, that means it's very likely, if you're in a situation like this, that your woman has been thinking about breaking up with you for weeks, months, maybe even years. It's been rattling around in her mind, but she hasn't spoken it. And maybe you're afraid to bring it to light.

7:09So what this will wind up feeling like is that you have the rug pulled out from underneath you.

7:15It's going to be completely news to you. While for her, it's going to be something that she's thinking and thinking and thinking about. And, boy, do women like to take their time when processing emotion and working on things like this. Her entire friend group may know, or just her best friend may know, or her family may know, or maybe she keeps it all into herself. The second premise that everyone needs to understand, and I really think this needs to be said candidly, and it needs to Just be accepted as truth rather than having a reaction or judgment to it. And that is that women are very, very secretive, that most women hide everything.

7:55Let's talk about the things that they can't help but hide.

7:59Their sexual ornamentation is hidden. Whether they're aroused or not for most people is completely hidden unless you know what to look for. In many cases, women are, I'm going to say it, born to hide things. And some women, believe it or not, absolutely love and thrive on keeping things hidden. I'm not saying all women, I'm saying some.

8:21But almost all women hide things. Let's look at this further.

8:25When you see girls talking, do you see them boastfully speaking about the relationships or do you see them hush, hush, whisper, whisper. If you are a brother or a father or a cousin or an uncle and you have females in your house, do you ever see them close the door, go to the bathroom together, run off together, sit in groups and huddle and then look around and then be like whispering to one another.

8:51Everything is secret.

8:52Who they like, how they feel about. Even if they like you as a man, they don't want you to know specifically. They're asking all their girlfriends, what should I do? Oh my gosh, I don't know. He texted me this. What should I say?

9:03Everything happens in a secret. That's another subject we can make an entire episode about. But unfortunately it doesn't change or help the case much. For a breakup. A woman is doing it in secret and privately. Now, a reason for that might be feeling unsafe, which by the way, that phrase can be used as a catch all for anything. Why didn't you tell me the truth? Oh, I felt unsafe. Why weren't you honest about where you were? Oh, I felt unsafe. I felt like I couldn't tell my husband. Why did you do what you did? Oh, I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't feel safe. So it is a bit of a knee jerk response. And in today's society, what almost all women love to pretend will happen does not happen. That someone's going to be an axe murderer if they tell the truth. But more to the point, I think a lot of women are fearful and scared easily about being honest with themselves, honest with their partner, and they're fearful of the consequences. Now, just because consequences does not lead to physical violence, it doesn't mean it won't lead to her feeling scared, worried, concerned, upset, losing her relationship. If a man is taking financial care of her and she's not working and she has to be honest about not wanting to be in this anymore. There's a lot at stake. So again, it's understandable but secretive.

10:18For the next section, let's talk about why a person, and more specifically a woman, might blow up her engagement, her relationship, or her marriage because she wants something different or other than what her current relationship has. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that nine times out of 10. And in almost every situation, a woman has an idea of what hot, passionate sex and intimacy and closeness and feeling desired looks like. So not just penetration, not just how many orgasms she has or doesn't have, but she has an idea and it hits her like a ton of bricks. Because we live in the age of the Internet, women have read books, watched movies, watched porn, seen the look on other women's faces, understood from other women and men what an exciting or passionate relationship can look like.

11:16And I believe that women hunger for that more than almost anything once safety and security has been established. Sometimes that doesn't even matter.

11:30Sometimes that pull for hot, passionate sex, chemistry, lovemaking, banging, whatever you want to call it, is so overwhelming that a woman can hardly think about anything else. And so she's at odds. Do I cheat? Do I explore this? Do I put my foot on the gas pedal and allow my energy to open up and be flirted with by other men?

11:57Be engaged with, Be intimate in some little way that maybe is an indiscretion.

12:05Like, is it really bad if she just hangs out or talks or texts and then it turns into sex and then it turns into more? I mean, because men are always going to want more. A man is always, always, always, always, always going to push for more until he gets more.

12:21And here again, a whole other discussion episode. And then sometimes he pulls back immediately if all he wanted was sex.

12:28So a woman's quandary in breaking up with a good man and a partner who she's been with, where maybe the sex isn't even bad, maybe it's not horrible, maybe it's not terrible, or maybe she can't stand being touched by him. But the quandary, the difficulty is, do I lose my best friend? Do I lose my life partner?

12:47Do I devastate him? Is my partner going to die?

12:52Some clients have actually come in and been worried that if they leave that their partner may commit an atrocious act. Is my partner going to be okay? Am I going to be okay?

13:02You'll always hear me say in this podcast and in our private sessions together that two things can be true at the Same time.

13:09This is a little bit where women compromise their soul. And also, you have to really, really, really, really think, do I want to lose all of this?

13:19For the possibility of a hot, passionate, what?

13:24Fling? Encounter Relationship lovers.

13:28Next guy you meet. There's absolutely no guarantees that the next guy you meet is going to be the one who bangs you out the right way, who blows your back out, who makes you come just by being close to him, who excites you and teases you and brings out that side of you. There's no guarantee. And if he does, by some stretch do any of those things, there's no guarantee that that man is not doing it with 1, 5, 10 other people, or that he's a very poor choice for you in a relationship, or he's not the person you'd want to marry or have kids with or live with, or he cannot be one that you can settle down with. This is what a woman constantly has to juggle. But still, that pull. And for those of you listening just the podcast, I'm, like, tugging my shirt in one direction. It's like a hook around your neck, and someone's just pulling and pulling it. You can't ignore it.

14:18If a woman has already decided in her head and in her heart that she wants something else. Yes, it's true that women are very adaptable, and they could be roped back in or convinced to stay, or the guy can try harder. But most women know that there's, like, a threshold that. By the way, I think the threshold for a woman is way less than what a man will endure before he breaks up with a partner. I think men tend to stay in relationships. Oh, it's not that bad. Or, gosh, she said happy birthday on my birthday. But women, especially in today's culture, of what they deserve and what's expected and what they think they are. And most women think they're much more special than men. There's sort of an ode feeling. I'm not saying all of you have that, but it is prevalent in our culture. I look at, look at me, look at how I look. I deserve to be ravished. I deserve to have this, that, and the other. But once a woman finally puts that line in the sand and says, I'm going to break up with him, or I can't do this anymore, or I need to get out of this, let's just say, guys, many, many months have gone by, many months where she's been thinking, thinking, thinking about it. The sex hasn't been good. The communication hasn't been Good. You both are feeling something's up, but no one's doing anything about it.

15:37She draws a line in the sand. She lets you know she needs to get out. Or she sugarcoats a little bit. I don't think I can do this anymore.

15:44I want to be on the other side of this. I want to get out of this. I don't know how to articulate this, but she's done.

15:51And as a man, you are spiraling, trying to play catch up to. I'm sorry, what?

16:00I thought we'd been married for 10 years.

16:03I thought we were going to be together forever. We have children together. We were going to have children. I thought we were getting married.

16:10I thought we were everything.

16:13Everyone admires us. Everyone thinks we're the cutest couple.

16:18Everything changes. The man spirals out of control in one way or another. Mentally, physically, emotionally. It hurts. He gets angry. He doesn't understand.

16:30And here's the cincher, because now he wants to try to make it right. And that's what I'm here for, right? My company is called closeness. I help people come together and share closeness and be close and stay close. But if a woman has decided and a man starts moving towards her, she's moving away. If he starts chasing and she's pulling back, there's just no hope.

16:53If he tries to become the man that she wanted him to be for months, weeks and years, it almost never works. It looks like placating, trying too hard. And also there's this huge power discrepancy where she's now got the keys. She's like, I'll give you one more chance. But if it doesn't work, I'm done.

17:14How can a man feel empowered, masculine, confident, dominant, decisive, if he already feels like he's losing power in the relationship? He has a sense that she wants to go have sex with other people. Maybe she has someone else. Maybe she's been with someone else. Everyone's mind goes crazy racing with these thoughts. And he somehow supposed to step up and be the man that she wants to be. Almost impossible. And I teach men how to do that. But in this unique situation, sometimes that woman doesn't even want him to touch her anymore. Doesn't want to be sexual or close or cozy or intimate. Sometimes she just wants out. But she's being Another very dangerous thing. She's being nice.

18:15I submit to you all that nobody wants a nice guy, nobody wants a nice girl. I don't want to ever interact with a woman who wants nothing to do with me. But she's being nice.

18:28So, you know, she went ahead and did it. She went ahead and stayed an extra 10 minutes or talked to me anyway. I don't want any part of that. And I don't think you should either.

18:37No matter how much you love your partner, no matter how much you think she loves you. I don't think there's a world where you should be dealing with or putting up with. Nice kind is different. Loving, supportive, sweet, nurturing.

18:53All those things are great.

18:55Now this entire relationship is between a rock and a hard place. Some information was just dropped on you. You're a solver, you're a go getter, you're working hard. You want to fix it, you can't fix it, or it feels like you can't. Any neediness now that a man demonstrates towards a woman is also sexually unattractive. What happened? What did I do wrong? How can I be better? What. What can I do to fix this? I want to stay in this. How can I? What if I.

19:20And this has the shocking effect of making a woman withdraw and pull back further.

19:28Sometimes a woman seeing a man's pain about this makes her pull back further for a couple of reasons.

19:35She might be disgusted with herself or self hatred or really put off that what she's saying and doing is causing him this much pain and she can't handle might trigger previous trauma or previous emotions or and this one's really insidious.

19:53She might be completely turned off and repulsed at seeing that weakness. And I'm not saying you should never cry in front of your woman. And certainly during a breakup might be the appropriate time, but her seeing that weakness might be very unappealing as well. It might be the first time she's seen him cry or break down or hurt. I don't teach that. Men need to always be dominant and always be aggressive and always be showing their masculinity and never be soft. There's room for softness.

20:21But when that sexuality is missing and that sexual aspect is gone, it's harder for a woman to see you as masculine. When the power dynamic shifts like that and you are beneath her in terms of your sadness or hurting or she doesn't even want that much power, but she's having that effect on you anyway. I'm sure you can tell from hearing all this stuff it Gets very convoluted and confusing. But one thing is certain. And man to man, if you're listening to this, you were to come ask me, what would you do in this situation if you knew this was true? I would say that if we've ascertained and I've heard from her mouth and seen in her eyes that she is done or she really wants to be done and doesn't want to hurt you or is already off thinking about other things, organizing other things, that the absolute best thing you can do as a man is move away.

21:08It is not to chase as she moves. Chase, chase, chase. And you're just chasing, trying to be better. Will it last for a day, a week, a month? Is it real?

21:20Why now, after all these years, are you suddenly doing the things that she wishes you would do or wanted you to do or wanted to feel?

21:26So even though it's like, God, we were going down a path, we were married, we were going to get married, we have kids together, we were going to have kids. And now you're telling me she's done and I should go like this.

21:38Yeah, it'll save you both a lot of heartache because if you go like this, it will wake something up in her. If she really doesn't want to go, it will say, whoa, whoa, that's a little fast. Wait, maybe we can work.

21:53Okay, do you now want to look at that? If she's on the fence of staying. There's a caveat here. It's a very tiny percentage of women who actually are testing you and want you to fight for them. They say they're done or they don't want this anymore. They're done with you, but they want. And I don't think this is healthy. I don't think this is the way to do it. They're pulling away and they want you to, like, go get them all the time. They pull away. Stay. They pull away. Stay. This looks to me a little controlling, does it not? This looks to me a little like, abusive. No, you're not going anywhere.

22:26But some women want to be owned and, or claimed and. Or told they're not going anywhere. And this shows them that you really love them. Because if you don't.

22:41This is such a side tangent, but it's an important one. If you don't, you just let her walk away. So then you hear this type of manipulation. I guess you never cared. I guess you really don't love me. It's just so easy for you to say goodbye. You're just walking away or not doing anything.

22:56It's just so easy. You just go on about your day, I just broke up with you, and you're at work, or you're taking a class or you're exercising. You must really have never loved me. No, wait. Yes, I do. I really do.

23:09No, don't touch me. Don't come near me.

23:12But she wants this.

23:15It's rare, but you'll probably know if you're with a woman like that in most cases. My sincere advice is, if both of you feel like this is spiraling out of control, have it mediated with someone who understands both sides and what's going on.

23:30Talk to someone professionally instead of just spiraling out all on your own.

23:35These sessions are hard, but it does make it significantly easier to get everything out on the table and to understand what's what, because, again, calling back to women's secretive nature and not wanting to hurt you, when you mix those two things together, it's very difficult to have a conversation about what's really going on, just the two of you.

23:58Chapter four, the finale.

24:01If you feel like this is happening to you, I would strongly recommend have a talk about it. See where it goes. Talk about it together, Bring up the hard stuff, say the things that should be unspoken.

24:17And if you can't do it, that's where I come in and I put it all on the table. I mean, you would be shocked. It might make your head spin. How quickly we can unearth things. If you can handle them. Within the course of 1 hour, 2 hours, 3, 4, 5 hours. It happens so fast that your own heart and brain probably need time to catch up with. But we figure out what's true, what's what, what do you do now? Where do we go from here?

24:44And it is my sincere belief that both of you knowing and having a direction of like what now? Will keep you out of freaking out and survival mode. And in a direction, especially men. Men need to have, like, a direction.

24:59What now? Where do I go now? What do I do now? And women need to know that it's okay to speak up and speak your truth and how to do it and do it in a delicate way.

25:10So I hope that you found this episode extremely helpful. Maybe you want to watch this episode with your partner. Maybe you want to show it to someone who you think needs it. Just visit closeness.com and get in touch. Please let me know down below if this has helped you in some ways or reminds you of a situation you've been in before. I hope this truly helps bring some much needed truth and relief to your relationship, and I'll look forward to seeing you in the