Co-Parenting; Your Thrive Guide

Agreement #4: Always Do Your Best

“Under any circumstances, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next.”
 
The Fourth Agreement is the action of the first three, enabling them to become habits. It is the agreement that asks you to do just enough, but not too much. Perfection is not the goal .. Doing your best means falling down and getting back up. 

Ruiz says “If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed, and in the end, your best will not be enough. When you overdo, you deplete your body and go against yourself, and it will take you longer to accomplish your goal. But if you do less than your best, you subject yourself to frustrations, self-judgment, guilt, and regrets.”

Surrender to what flows easily. If something feels heavy and overwhelming, it means I’m pushing against the Universe and trying to force it. And when I use force, nothing works.

When you try to get someone to love you, it depletes your energy… and it doesn’t work. When you people-please for acceptance, it robs you of yourself. Forced effort doesn't feel good. On the flip side, have you ever done something where you felt tired afterward, but also invigorated?  This kind of effort comes from joy, and it’s never depleting.

 Ruiz says, “When you are doing your best just for the pleasure of doing it, you are taking action because you enjoy the action. Action is about living fully.”  Lead with your heart without an attachment to the outcome and opportunities will open up. 

“If I create from the heart, nearly everything works; if from the head, almost nothing.”

–Marc Chagall

 Doing Your Best in Co-Parenting Relationships

While each agreement is simple, executing them consistently is not easy, especially in our coparenting relationships. When you are emotionally triggered, taking something personally, it usually happens on autopilot. The point is not to avoid being triggered (which isn’t really possible), but rather to use those moments as an opportunity to feel your way through the negative beliefs that surface. 

Doing MY and DOING YOUR Best

I’ve read “The Four Agreements”  several times over the past six months and I get something from it each time. What I do know is whenever I force something or put forth effort that drains me, it doesn’t lead to what I want. 

“If you’re doing your best, you will feel good about yourself even if you still make assumptions, still take things personally, and still are not impeccable with your word.”

 Answer the below questions in your journal or the

1. What is something you constantly overdo or put extra effort towards that depletes you? It could be work, making dinner, cleaning, keeping in touch with people, caring for a parent, etc. .
2. What is something you put effort into that you love? 

Every day from this day forward, write the below in your journal as a reminder of the agreements you have made with yourself:

Today I will do my best to speak my truth and be impeccable with my word.

Today I will do my best not to take things personally, remembering it’s about them, not me.

Today I will do my best not to assume I know what other people are thinking or feeling.

Today I will simply do my best… no more, no less… and it will come from my heart.

“If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it’s just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for.”

Agreement #3: Don’t Make Assumptions

“The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.”
— The Four Agreements, Chapter 4
The Third Agreement is similar  to the Second Agreement: Don’t take anything personally. We assume our reality is the same as someone else’s reality, so we fit whatever they do or say into how we view the world. We create stories around our reality.  As  you all are aware,  we cannot read another person’s mind and know what they’re thinking, but there are times we act like we can! 

Do you ever read into texts, or emails  and think you have the other person “figured out”?  You believe you know their reason, their intention, or their motivation, but that assumption is based on your reality and your beliefs. Theirs are probably different. 

Remember the episode from last week… Your reality is simply that: YOUR reality. Their reality is THEIR reality. 

Why do people assume? Here are a few  reasons:

1. Assuming is safer than the truth,  assuming allows  you to live in a fantasy.
2. Assuming is a big distractor from dealing with your own feelings.
3. Assuming allows you to impose your reality on other people, expecting them to think and act the same way you do.

Assumptions/Truth vs. Fantasy

If you don’t ask questions, you can continue on comfortably with the illusion that everything is just fine.   It’s safer to assume your partner doesn’t want to commit (whether it’s marriage or otherwise) because he/she is not ready to settle down. You can literally  assume the years away, afraid of confronting an inconvenient truth: maybe he/she doesn’t want to commit to you but because we are mirrors for each other, that leads to asking where you’re afraid to commit and why you attracted this person in the first place.

Ruiz writes, “We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”

Assumptions and our Feelings

Assumptions allow you to avoid your own deeper feelings, the ones tied to your negative beliefs around rejection, abandonment, not being good enough, etc. If you assume rather than asking questions, you avoid confronting those beliefs, enabling you to stay within your fantasy.

But is that living fully and authentically? No, because you are operating from a place of fear rather than love. Assumptions keep you stuck in fear.

If your fear of abandonment holds you back  from being authentic within your relationship, you never face your fears. Ask yourself,  At what cost?  How many months/years are you willing to waste, making assumptions about your relationships, only to find out your assumption was wrong? 

Assumptions and our Expectations and Reality

When you assume, you attach your expectations to the outcome, often leading to disappointment. If you’re sad, you assume your partner or coparent can pick up on how you’re feeling and know exactly what to do (i.e. spend time, make dinner, buy chocolate or flowers, etc.). If he/she doesn’t do one of these things (your expectation), you’re hurt.  You believe if someone loves you, they should automatically know how you feel and what you need. But remember–their reality is not the same as yours.

Ruiz says: “We assume that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works.”

Agreement #2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

“Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about ‘me’.”
— The Four Agreements, Chapter 3
 
Yes, taking things personally is all about ourselves; our ego. We think the world revolves around us and everything people do is specifically targeted to us. 

 How We Personalize

Ruiz believes that nothing other people say or do is because of us. It is because of themselves. How other people relate to us often depends on their mood, so if we base our self-image on how someone else treats us, we will most likely experience many difficulties. If we take things personally, we will be upset, insecure, and unhappy most of the time. 

Personalizing Can and Will Destroy Relationships

This happens in relationships all the time. Let’s say you recently started dating someone who usually texts every day. One day, you get no text, so you automatically think you did something wrong. Did you say something to upset him/her? Did he/she meet someone else? You start to feel insecure and fill yourself with anxiety. 

Ruiz explains, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their dream, in their minds; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we assume that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Why  Do We Personalize

Personalizing keeps your focus outside of yourself, so it’s a great way of avoiding your feelings. It also works really well to confirm your own negative beliefs. You’re not doing any of this consciously; it is all on auto-pilot. The first step is to notice when it happens so you can catch yourself in the moment and shift your perspective.

 Personalization Is Not About You

People are going to do and say whatever they want—you can’t control that. But you can control how you respond.  According to Ruiz , “Whatever people do, feel, think or say, don’t take it personally… by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.”

Journal Notes

First, write this down and stick it somewhere you’ll see it every day: Don’t take anything personally.

When someone says something that I take personally, this is what I hear: (examples: I’m not good enough, I’m not lovable, I’ll always be single, )

1. When these negative beliefs come up, I feel: (examples: lonely, ashamed, belittled, angry, embarrassed, etc)
2. How I would feel if I chose NOT to take things personally: (examples: light, confident, secure, relaxed, at ease, unburdened, happy, etc.)

Jot these down in your journal without commentary or judgment. Use simple bullet points, writing down what happened and how you personalized.  For example:

•  I was giving a presentation and someone walked out (what happened) - She hated my presentation and thought I was boring (how you personalized)
• My  wife/husband reorganized the dishwasher again -  She doesn’t think I can do anything right

Now, go back through each scenario and list three possible reasons for the action. Using the first example above, you might write:

I was giving a presentation and someone walked out (what happened)

• She hated my presentation and thought I was boring (how you personalized) 
  • Possible Reason #1 - She had to urgently use the bathroom  
  • Possible Reason #2 - She double-booked herself and had to run to another meeting 

Remember: your perception of reality is based on your beliefs, and theirs is based on their beliefs. Neither is right /wrong, they are just different. 

The First Agreement - Be Impeccable With Your Word

Why is your word so important? Because, according to Ruiz, it is your power to create. “What you dream, what you feel, and what you really are, will all be manifested through the word.”

It’s all connected, and what you say matters. This includes what we say to ourselves as well as what we say to others. Our inner voice is often the most destructive because it draws from our negative core beliefs: I’m not good enough, smart enough, worthy of love, deserving of happiness, etc.

So what does it mean to be impeccable with your word? From its Latin roots, it means “without sin,” which Ruiz goes on to explain:

“A sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself. Everything you feel or believe or say that goes against yourself is a sin. You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything. Being without sin is exactly the opposite. Being impeccable is not going against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.”

Going Against The First Agreement

We go against ourselves all the time without realizing it. We say we want one thing, but then we do exactly the opposite. Because our subconscious wants to keep us safe, it will default to what is known and familiar, even if it’s painful and not at all what we want.  It’s because we created it with our own thoughts, words, and actions.

When you blame others, you are not impeccable with your word. Angry words directed at someone else (whether they hear them or not), are angry words you use against yourself. They are a reflection of how you feel inside. It comes from a place of believing you are owed by this person rather than looking at where you let yourself down.

My Version Of The First Agreement: Speak Your Truth in Love

Speak your truth, Speak your truth but do it with love. Instead of hiding who you are and how you feel, express it openly and honestly. This can be scary for many of us because we’re afraid of being judged and rejected. If we  can get thru the fear and move past the fear we will find the KEY to emotional freedom,, self-acceptance and a living an authentic life is all within the first agreement.  

 The First Agreement and our Co-Parenting Relationships

Finding ways to encourage, honor and respect the other co-parent, is only part of the way I am impeccable with my words.  Work hard on not gossiping about the other co-parent or engaging in negative talk that only hurts and doesn’t help.  Whenever I’m emotionally triggered, I am always willing to take responsibility no matter what! No unnecessary drama, blame, or tirades. 

Journal

For the next week, pay attention to your words, both verbal and   your internal dialogue. In your journal, jot them down. Write down when you were impeccable with your word and spoke your truth, and when you didn’t.

1. What is something you are hiding, which you may have shame around? What are your fears around expressing it to another person?
2. When was the last time you said you would do something, but didn’t go through with it? Examples might include making plans to get together with someone,  sending a thank you note, calling a parent or friend, etc. How did/do you feel by going against what you said you would do? Benefits? Is it a pattern of letting yourself down? Is it an opportunity to punish yourself because that’s something you’re used to? 

I suggest making two columns: one for times you were impeccable with your word and one for the occasions you didn’t. If you can, write it down in the moment! If you have trouble remembering to check in with yourself, set a reminder once or twice a day.

Again, it’s all connected. Choose your words carefully. They are more powerful than you think.  

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS
By Don Miguel Ruiz
1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the
word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the
power your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a
projection of your own reality, their own dream. When you are
immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the
victim of needless suffering.
3. DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really
want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid
misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just the one
agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be
different when healthy as opposed to sick. Under any
circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid selfjudgment,
self-abuse, and regret.

1. Take a break/Don’t be afraid to feel it/Write it out - Things have a way of working themselves out and once we lean into “letting go” typically things will work out.  If you can write out what you are feeling when the world that's crumbling around you, this excercise will help you refocus and you will have a clearer picture of what's going on. Once you do, you can reassess the situation and figure out the best course of action.

2. Get support - Don't hesitate in asking for help, this means having to put your ego aside. Whether if it's getting some outside therapy, asking advice, having a friend to vent to, or just being around someone who's upbeat. Having a strong and positive support system is one of the best ways to feel positive and happy again.  Studies have shown that positivity is contagious. So, make sure that your support system is optimistic and positive because these attributes will  lift your spirits.  At the same time, your support system needs to also include people who are honest - even if they can be harsh sometime. 

3. Attempt something new/declutter -  Changing things up or declutter will spark motivation and move you out of your comfort zone.  Science has actually proven that when we try something new it triggers certain parts of our brain and releases the motivation chemical dopamine.

4. Make your goals visible/visualize your best day -  Make your goals visible so you visually see what you're working toward and figure out how you'll achieve it. Writing down your goals also help you focus, train your brain to be more proactive, and it gives you peace of mind.

5. Focus on small things first -When your world is falling apart it can be easy to find plenty of little things you can fix.  For example, if you're not happy with your weight,  make small changes in your lifestyle like taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

6. Speak and show positive affirmations - There may be no more of a powerful force than self-talk. If you keep reminding yourself how terrible everything thing is around do, do you really believe that you'll be motivated to do something about it?  Regardless of the negativity going on around you, say out loud what you want to happen. Write down a daily affirmation and place it somewhere that you're going to see it, such as your bedroom or bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or computer monitor.

7. Take action/Don't mope - find something simple and set a goal, take action and this motion forward energy will create more energy to take action.  Don't mope an wallow in your own pity.

8.  Take a 20 minute nap - set your alarm and take a reset nap.

9. Be with other humans - The pandemic has changed everything, but if you feel safe to do so, visit a friend or sit in an outside café and be around other people and  get out of your head for a little while.

10.  Water & Sleep - drink lots of water, use lemon, lime, cucumber slice or orange slices for variety and go to be early.

Things I Avoid When Everything is going wrong.

·         Sad music or nostalgic music, 

·         Social Media - comparison is a joy killer

·         Complicated '"family" relationships or Negative People

·        Alcohol or Medicating yourself with a depressant.

Some of the best advice I ever received was to stop trying to “fix” things when everything and just surrender to life. Life has a way of working itself out when we learn to let go.  Focus on gratitude and  breathe.

1. Body Acceptance and modeling positive body image.

Mothers have a huge impact on their daughters’ body image.  Think about how they will mimic our behaviors, Don’t ask, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” or obsess food or  appearance.  Things to do:

•             Appreciate all that your body can do.
•             Write down what you love about yourself
•             Beauty is more than skin deep
•             Look at yourself as a whole person
•             Wear clothes that make feel comfortable and work with your body not against.

2. Make your daughter media literate
Become a critical viewer of social and media messages. Pay attention to images, slogans, or attitudes that make you feel bad about yourself or your body. 

we spend more time than ever using media and everywhere we turn there are messages telling us how we should look that can make us feel less confident about our appearance. While we’re probably not going to use less media, we can protect our self-image and body confidence from media’s narrow body ideals that reinforce the appearance ideal.

 3. Don’t raise her as a “people pleaser”

Encourage her to stand up for what she what needs and wants. Create opportunities for her to use her voice and to make choices. Ask her what she wants and then let her make a choice and then honor that choice.   You as the parent should not be a people pleaser as children learn a lot from the same sex parent.  

 4. Start sports early

Research shows girls who play on teams have higher self-esteem. Studies have shown that girls that play sports have a much higher self-esteem than girls who do not.

5. Praise her for more than her appearance

Challenge yourself to match every compliment you give about your daughter’s appearance with at least two compliments about something non-appearance based, and do the same for other girls — your daughter’s friends, nieces, etc.”

7. Help her build skills that are independent of appearance

“Get her involved in activities that bring  confidence, rather than focusing on looking good and acquiring things. “Sports, theater, music, art.  Anything that can help girls express themselves through words or creativity or activity rather than through their appearance .

8. Praise efforts rather than performance 

Focus less on the outcome and more on efforts and the development of new skills.   Mastery is what builds confidence, and learning to rise above challenges builds resilience.

9.  Don’t trash talk other women

Don’t let kids tease each other around food or looks.

10. Dads: Don’t treat your daughter like a damsel in distress

Fathers should not treat girls as though they are these fragile, helpless, little beings,  When dads do this it teach their daughter your role is to look good so a man will sweep in and save you..  Instead, give her the opportunity and the tools—to change her own tire, to use her voice and speak up for herself, to play sports, to be able to brush herself off and get back up. 

11.  Listen and Pay Attention

Being a good listener means not offering judgments, criticisms or even advice. Simply hear what your child is saying and restate his or her comments to show that you're listening.

1. Show Compassion to yourself first

Allow yourself to really feel what you are feeling. Be compassionate with yourself just as you would with a friend or your child. Ask for support if you need it. 

2. Awareness of the pain of self-pity

Feeling sorry for yourself not only creates pain for you but it creates pain for others too. Not many people want to be around you if you are always down.  Instead of seeing that as something else to feel hurt about, become aware of the pain you are creating for yourself.

No one can make you feel anything, only you control the way you feel.

3. NO VICTIM – refuse to be a victim

Victim mentality is typically the cause of self pitying behavior. It’s called the drama cycle and with this cycle we choose to blame someone or something else for the way we feel.

Decide that your relationships are too important and make a stand and refuse to be a victim. 

4. Questions that keep you stuck

The question we as victims most often ask themselves is “Why?”

“Why is this happening to me?”

“Why did she do that?”

“Why did he say that to me?”

These are low quality questions and with these questions you will receive low quality answers. For example;

“Because you’re not good enough..”

“Because he doesn’t like you”

“Because she doesn’t truly value your friendship.”

Any question beginning with “Why” will keep you stuck in your current situation feeling like a victim. Decide to NEVER use the word “Why” from your vocabulary and replace it with words like “What”, “How” and “When”.

For example;

“What can I do to get a different outcome?”

“When will I contact her and explain how I feel?”

“How can I change the situation?”

As you change the quality of your questions, you will see empowered you will feel.

5. Perception and your responsibility

If we have consistently see things in a negative way, it’s likely we will continue to do so unless we bring awareness to the table.

Our perception creates our reality and by changing our viewpoint, we are able to change any experience.  Take responsibility for the way you are viewing a situation and challenge yourself to see it in a different way.

6. Be courageous

It takes courage to hold up the mirror and look at our part in things, but this is the only way to make real change. This is because we only ever have complete control and influence over ourselves.

Holding up the mirror doesn’t mean beating yourself up for your mistakes. This is just another form of self pity.  As you make these changes, you will notice your self-pity decrease and self-empowerment increase. 

7. Acknowledging the positive things in your life.

The fastest way to turn this around is to make it a practice to regularly focus on the good. You may have heard this before and that’s because it’s true.  Keep a gratitude journal.  

8. Noticing others that have it worse.

With all the events and the pandemic happening in our world right now, it’s easy to find examples of others less fortunate. This is comparison used in a positive way.

Instead of feeling wrapped up in your own world, look for ways you can help others.

Contributing to others is one of the fastest ways to start feeling good and taking your attention away from yourself. This is good for you and good for others. And you will notice your self-confidence and empowerment soar.

Learning to Rely on the "other" Co-Parent”, not an easy thing to do.  It is a tough order to depend on the other co-parent especially if there have been trust issues in your past relationship with them.

Vincent de Paul is recorded as having asked:  “What do you think is most often the cause of our failings in our resolutions? It’s that we depend too much on ourselves, we put trust in our good desires, we rely on our own strength, and that’s the reason we don’t get any good results from them.” 

Here are some tips to help you be more accepting of help from others.

1. Learn to be vulnerable.
2. Explore your beliefs on receiving.
3. Give others an opportunity to give.
4. Pay it forward instead of returning it.
5. Feel the love, be grateful and present
6. Practice accepting help from everyone, even strangers.

1. Allowing  yourself to be Vulnerable

To accept help, you have to let go of control and be vulnerable. For some, that may be the hardest hurdle to overcome but it is important in order to let others step in and help.

2. Examine your beliefs on receiving.

If you’re having difficulty others take control, examine some of the reasons this may be. Being vulnerable is not a weakness and neither is asking for help.

·         What’s stopping me from accepting help?

·         Do you feel that you don’t deserve to receive their compliment or love? Why do you feel that way?

3. Give others an opportunity to give.

Receiving is not only about you. It’s also about the giver. Imagine a well-intention, loving person giving you something and you reject their gifts. How would that make them feel? Unappreciated? Awkward? Embarrassed? Open yourself up and let others help and give you this most precious gift.

4. Pay it forward instead of returning it.

Sometimes when people aren’t comfortable with receiving, they would return the love, the compliment, or the gifts in another form immediately. For example, when someone gives them a gift, they feel obliged to find something to give back.

When it’s your time to receive, it’s important for you to embrace the moment. Don’t be in a hurry to give back to the other person. You are just deflecting their love back to them. It’s like: “I can’t receive your love. Here have it back.” Then what you give them, would not be authentic.

5. Feel the love, live in the moment and show gratitude.

To receive is such a beautiful experience. Start a journal of gratitude to write down how thankful you are to have someone in your life that cares for you and gives you support when you most need it. Unfortunately many in this world aren’t as fortunate.

6. Practice accepting help everywhere.

You don’t have to wait for someone to give you help to practice receiving. Whenever you need help, just ask for it. Don’t worry about being rejected. Give others an opportunity to help you. If they aren’t the one, move on to the next.

We can sum this up in one word: easy. Co-parenting is not easy.
 
Parenting is already no cakewalk, and when you add in the stress of a raising a child together after a divorce or separation, it’s a situation that can be filled with tension and disagreements. 

Good communication is the key to a positive co-parenting experience. Putting the sole focus on your children rather than on yourself or your ex is the first step toward ensuring success. Co-parenting is not easy, but it’s worth the extra effort for the health and well-being of your children. Here are some other things that co-parenting is not: 
 
Co-parenting is not about you.

Nor is it about the other parent. Nor is it about why the relationship didn’t work out or whose fault it was. Co-parenting is about two people coming together to provide the warmth and attention for their children.  Agree with your ex that disparaging one another in front of the kids or allowing the kids to speak disrespectfully about either parent is strictly forbidden. Never, ever force your children to choose sides when there is a disagreement. 
 
Co-parenting is not unstable

Work with your ex on a detailed plan for raising your kids that focuses on consistent rules, bedtimes, curfews, screen time, disciplinary practices, and expectations for performance at school, work, and in extracurricular activities. The more consistent the routine between homes the better. .

Co-parenting is not a competition.

This is not your time to shine as the fun parent, nor as the best friend. It can be easy for guilt to get the better of you — and for your children to play on your emotions — causing you to overindulge their material wants or allow them to wiggle out of responsibilities like chores or schoolwork. It may feel good in the short term, but in the long run, it isn’t helping you or your children.

Co-parenting is not even-steven.

What is best for your child may not always equate to a 50-50 split between parents. If one parent travels frequently, it might make more sense for the children to spend more time with the other parent. If your ex has always taken the kids to their sports practices, don’t nix it just because it is your weekend. Talk to your children. Consider their feelings and remember, this is not about you. 
 
 
  

Co-parenting is not always comfortable.

A divorce or separation is a highly emotional and sensitive situation for everyone involved. There are bound to be hurt feelings, feeling of anger or even hostility toward your ex. Work out these feelings with a counselor or other professional, not during your dealings with your ex in matters related to the children.
 
Adopt a business-like tone in your communication. Make sure you communicate frequently and document all decisions you make together about the children. Share information related to the children. Is there a doctor’s appointment coming up?  Don’t hoard information thinking it will make you the hero. It won’t. A superhero is identified by his or her superhuman powers, and in this case, it is going to be your power to stay in control of your emotions for the sake of your children and make decisions from a place of empathy, peace, and love.    
Parents who are separated or divorced or were never together in the first place must communicate with each other regarding their children. Good communication is key to a positive co-parenting environment.