Co-Parenting; Your Thrive Guide

A Conversation with my 10 year old on the Raging Pandemic Rioting and Racism.  

For the past few months I have had so many conversations with my daughter Ava regarding her mental health surrounding the pandemic, the Capitol riots and racism in general.  For those of you that don’t know my daughter is bi-racial and so we have been having conversations for years on racism and these conversations have been ongoing in my household, I thought it would good to share with you a portion of my conversation with my daughter Ava and her thoughts surrounding the pandemic, the capitol riots and racism.  This will be a 2 part series with Ava.

it’s important to first get a feel for how your children are already perceiving these events. Are they scared? Can they articulate what they’re scared about? Do they understand what’s going on?  We need to reassure our children that it is OK to be scared or concerned about these events and we should be honest with our answers.

It is important for us to listen to our children about their fears and their thoughts about the situation and give them a safe space to ask questions and express these feelings.   

 Raging Pandemic – 

  Ways to Help your children during the Pandemic 

• Role Model - model safe and good behavior and practice selfcare
• Be aware of your discussion about COVID-19
• Explain social distancing
• Be positive
• Establish and maintain a daily routine
• Identify projects and special things that might help others
• Offer lots of love and affection.

 Riot – 

Ways to help your children move thru their feelings regarding the Capitol Riots

Give kids a chance to tell you what they saw and ask questions. It’s important to get a sense of what they’re thinking and what they already know about what’s going on. 

• Validate their feelings: “I totally understand why this feels scary. Let’s talk about it.”
• Emphasize that what the rioters did was not effective, and that there are laws in place to ensure that there are consequences for what they did. 
• Help kids avoid black-and-white thinking. “When talking about the riot, keep it about the actions, rather than giving a label to people.

Potential Resources for talking to our children about the riots and racism 

• The Sesame Street Town Hall on Racism.
• The book “Something Happened in Our Town,” which discusses race-related violence in a developmentally appropriate way for 4 to 8 year olds.
• This anti-racism book collection for kids.
• Diverse book boxes.

The Children’s Community School: Social Justice Resources

• Parent Toolkit
• The Center for Racial Justice in Education

In thinking of my resolutions for 2021 and specifically the resolutions of how it relates to co-parenting and how to be a better co-parent, I wanted to share my own resolutions and hope that it serves as a conversation starter or thought provoking for you and your own co-parenting resolutions for 2021.

1).  More effective communication – which includes being calm and having clarity.  In my own coparenting relationships my goal is when I am negotiating a certain “thing” or schedule that I want, it is important that I am clear about what I want and that I speak in a tone that is calm yet assertive and remain civil and not let my emotions get the best of me.  Keeping in mind that coparenting is more about a partnership than it is a daily/weekly drop-ff and pickup schedules.  Just because our drop off time schedules switches doesn’t mean that the love switches off with the other parent and vice versa.

 2).  Creating space for grace – one of the areas that I want to continually work is making more space for grace and extending grace to those around me.  With the difficulty of the 2020 pandemic/politics and all the stressors in our lives it has become harder than ever give grace extended.  How do I put any anger or resentment that I or you have aside and put my child first.  Operating from a place of love instead of place of pettiness is a good start.  Understanding that while you or I may not be the one that needs the extra dose of grace today, we may need at some point in the future.

You can choose fear or you can choose love and in choosing love you have to be committed to not judging the missteps of the other parent.  It is important for the kids to see a new, different better type of love.  Putting the friendship first, communicating the needs the needs of the child better and letting the focus remain there.  Ways in which the children can see a new, better type of love is making sure they have group hug, or encourage the kids to call the other parent when the kids are with you.  Two parents no longer together but still able to support each other, still able to show love even when.  Always showing empathy “How would you want to feel as a child” just because you are not romantically together you can be better parents versus romantic partners. 

What resolutions do you specifically want to work on in 2021?  If you are not sure where to start you can always start with communication.  All of us can learn to communicate better, to communicate with clarity and do in a calm assertive manner.  Keeping the temper in check is great way to start and always giving grace extended.

Co-Parenting Intentions for 2021

 Be intentional about my child’s mental health – As a parent it is so important that we be intentional about our child’s mental health as well as our own.  Before the pandemic hit, mental health issues such as depression and anxiety were rising in children 6-17 according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  Children are feeling deflated and lack of connectedness.  Give yourself and your children permission to rest, restore, reset and relax. Keeping connectedness is important to all our mental health needs.

Be intentional about keeping things simple – as we move thru the next 3 or 6 months and as things start to open back up in the new year. It is important to continue to keep our children grounded and to keep things simple

Be intentional about creative ways to make things  - what I mean by this is to work at creative ways to make your life and your children’s life work better for everyone.  Get creative about how you make things work for you and don’t worry about how other people parent or what other people will think.  Do what is best for you and your and give yourself permission to think outside of the box.

Be intentional about expanding your view point – this means that when the unexpected events or conflicts happens in our life, really stop and reflect about why you have these viewpoints and educate yourself about the different ways there are to deal with any potential conflicts that arise.

Be intentional about accepting for and asking for help from the other co-parenting partner – let them take an extra day with the children – ask them if you can have an extra day and vice versus.  Do not be afraid to fluid and flexible.

 Be intentional about restraining comments/opinions about co-parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend. – this right here is so important.. get a journal, get a friend and use someone else as a “complaint board” don’t let the children hear your criticizing the boyfriend/girlfriend.  You don’t have to say anything in front of the children.

Be intentional about forgiveness – forgiveness is a process and not a one time thing.  Choose forgiveness and choose grace. Grace for you and grace for me.  Be intentional about your forgiveness and ALWAYS give grace and grace extended.  While you may not need extra grace today you may need it tomorrow.

 So just to recap our intentions for co-parenting this year:

·         Be intentional about my child’s mental health

·         Be intentional about keeping things simple

·         Be intentional about creative ways to make things

·         Be intentional about expanding your view point

·         Be intentional about accepting for and asking for help from the other co-parenting partner

·         Be intentional about restraining comments/opinions about co-parent’s boyfriend/girlfriend.

·         Be intentional about forgiveness

Tips for budgeting during the holidays

It can be so difficult making it financially as a single parent and even more difficult during the holidays and then add the pandemic on top of it.  It is a lot!  It can be stressful, overwhelming and feels like we can’t go on but… get some rest and start again tomorrow.

To be perfectly honest, I do not think children have to get everything they want for Christmas.  Many of us feel guilty about our kids not have having the “perfect” family so it easy for us to make up for it with gifts.  Do not fall into this trap.  The kids will thank us for our time and the memories we have created more than any single gifts.

As I mentioned in last week episode and good rule for gifts is; gifts they want, they need, they read and they wear.

1.Do not incur debt

Unnecessary debt ends up bringing more stress and frustration later in the year and it is simply not worth it. You and your children will be worse off if you create an illusion of lots of gifts at Christmas.  

2. Save your change during the entire year and save all year long.

Every time you have change add to the container and don’t think about it during the year. It adds up quickly and by Christmas you could easily have a few hundred dollars. 

Another tip that I use is the $5 challenge.  Every $5 dollar bill that I get throughout the year I put that away in a jar. You can use this to add to your Christmas savings.

My new favorite budgeting app, EveryDollar, and start jotting it all down. It is a great way to keep track of your dollars.

Cash in credit card rewards. If you have rewards credit cards, check to see if you’ve earned enough points to cash in for products or gift cards you can give as gift

3. Create free/cheap traditions: Ava and I always go driving at look at Christmas lights, while we drink hot chocolate.  We also decorate gingerbread houses the Saturday before Christmas.  Kids love holiday traditions and look forward to it every year.

4. Make DIY gifts. I have used this tip for a long time.  Every year Ava and I make Chocolate peppermint bark and I buy inexpensive tins at Dollar Tree and use those as gifts.  Pinterest is full of ideas on how to make meaningful, inexpensive Christmas gifts. side hustle.

For me, my day job requires me to be a notary but I have a side job where I use my notary as a mobile notary and get paid for doing it.  Some side hustles may include, Instacart, postmates, door dash, online tutoring, online surveys for money.

6. Collect gift cards throughout the year.

Buy gift cards throughout the year whenever you have a little bit of extra money and save them for Christmas. Sometimes you can even find gift cards at prices lower than what it’s worth.

7. Create a gift drawer.

Every time you find a really good deal on something your kids would love you buy it and put it away for Christmas. 

8.  Cut spending.

Take an honest look at your spending. Maybe you could give up cable, eat out less, reduce your grocery budget, or find other ways to free up extra cash and save more money.

9.  Give yourself and your kids the gift of time: As single parents, time is our most precious gift.  Every year Ava and I make cookies and candies together, go for a ride to see christmas lights and decorate gingerbread houses.  Those memories end up being the best.

10.  Gift your time.  The best Christmas gifts  aren't object, they are our time.  You can give your time to the people you love.  Consider making gift certificates for a night of free childcare, pet sitting, or anything that might appeal to your loved one. 

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1).        Check your schedule and co-parenting plan.

2).        Get specific about your plan and communicate early with your co-parent partner.

3).        Once a plan is agreed upon, present a united front with the children

4).        Be flexible

5).        Coordinate and plan the gift giving

6).       Buy a present for the other parent

7).        Prioritize the kids

8).        Go for Presence Over Presents

9).       Remember your child’s extended family and make a plan to include them.

10).      Sit down and talk with your kids

11).      Plan new traditions or create a twist with the old traditions

12).      Create a volunteer time or plan to give back.  

13).      Set aside downtime for the family.

14).      Give yourself a break and take care of yourself.

15).      Forget the “Should”

16).      Put Love & Connection Front and Center

17).     Stress Free Decorations Help you to Enjoy More 

18).      Remember Your Kids want Connection not Perfection!

19).      Be open to compromise

20).     Keep the magic

21).      Be realistic about this Holiday time being different.

22).     Teach Gratitude

23).     Make plans for yourself, if it is your year to be without the kids.

24).     Do random acts of kindness

25).     Give grace to yourself and others

Co-Parenting in Gratitude

 As all of us know, Thanksgiving is a special time to spend with our family and friends, but those of us that are recently separated/divorced and co-parenting or those of us that still need more time to heal from a separation or divorce, the last thing that might be going through your mind is celebrating, let alone feeling thankful and then with the pandemic, there are lots of emotions.

In this season and especially with the pandemic, it is really in our best interest to set aside our differences with our co-parent and be present and full of gratitude for our children.  One of the most important part of the holidays is the memories you give your children.  Do you want your children to remember the holidays as stressful time, a time of arguing or bad mouthing one another or do you want it to be one of kindness even when?  What legacy do you want to leave your children.  Remember children learn by watching what behaviors we are modeling.

As most parents, we are reminding our children to be kind to others, to respect others, to communicate in ways that we would want to be communicated towards yet if we cannot do the same with our co-parent, what is the message that we are relaying to our children?  

Gratitude is “The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” 

Finding Gratitude in the Holidays 

1).  Put your children feelings first

2).  Leave all the “stuff”, the situation (it can wait until the next day)

3).  Create new traditions that create more joy/gratitude

4). Write it Down – create gratitude notes

Ways to teach your children Gratitude

1.      Noticing – Start by being aware of a person, place or thing you want to appreciate. 

2.     Thinking – Start thinking about ways to show your gratitude 

3.     Feeling – The emotions you experience as a result of the things you’ve been given. 

4.    Doing – Find ways to take action, showing your gratitude in the form of an action.

Gratitude allows us to celebrate the present, it dispells negative emotions, builds more resilience and cultivates self worth.

In this episode you will hear my conversation with Brey, my oldest daughter, Nico, my son that I placed for adoption along with Teresa Harwood, Nico's adoptive mother.  You will hear about how Brey and Nico navigated thru their emotions after our visits.  There are lots of laughs and plenty of stories.

My prayer is that this episode will shed light on the various threads that make up our quilts of "families".  There is no "one size fits all" family.  Love is what binds us together.  I have so appreciated you all allowing me share my family with you.  Lots of Love!

In this episode my son and I discuss our open adoption relationship and the 21 year journey that we have been on.  You will be able see first hand our relationship and how we have navigated our open adoption relationship.  We share memories and lots of laughs.

November is National Adoption Awareness month and I want to take these next few weeks to share with you my open adoption experience.  This will be a 3 part series dropping each Monday in the month of November and will include my son, Nico Harwood, Teresa Harwood, the adoptive mom and Brey, my daughter.  I thought Brey's experience growing up with the open adoption would be a unique experience for everyone to hear.  The first part will feature Teresa and myself sharing our experience and how we became forever connected.  I will take you on a chronological journey of our open adoption story.  

In this episode we will share a script that we wrote 20 years ago for women's retreat and it will give our history on how we became forever connected. 

Teresa will share some tips for potential adoptive parents and give some guidance for those considering adoption.  She will also share about her other three children whom she adopted and share a little about their birthmother, with whom she has an open adoption.

You will learn how Nico gave me my name "Didi" and it came at just the right time and shows how even when our circumstances feel dire that there is always a rainbow in the midst of the storm.

Our adoption process was not the typical and ended up going to trial and then was appealed and went all the way to the State Appellate Court, where the final adoption papers were confirmed.

Thank you for joining us today and listening to our open adoption story.

This week is my birthday week and in thinking about my birthday and the best gift that I ever gave myself, I was reminded that it’s not in the actual material gifts but in the forgiveness to myself and others.  “Letting Go of Anger” is by far the best gift I gave myself.  

Some of the ways I have learned to Let Go of Anger are:
1).  Identify and Acknowledge the anger
2).  Understand the Anger and that it originates from feeling powerless
3).  Express the anger and learn to sit with it
4).  Practice Mindfulness
5).  Be Nice and don't engage when you are angry
6).  Focus on the children

Remembering Bishop Desmond Tutu's words: “In a way, to forgive is the best form of self-interest, because I’m also releasing myself from the bonds that hold me captive, and it’s important that I do all I can to restore [the] relationship. Because without a relationship, I am nothing, I will shrivel.” 

Webster’s New World College Dictionary defines the word forgive: 1. To give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon; 2. To give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); overlook; 3. To cancel or remit (a debt). 

Forgiveness and letting go of anger is the best gift you can give yourself.

Deborah Lenee'