Co-Parenting; Your Thrive Guide

Handling Summertime Squabbles

Build Team Family

1. Establish a We (versus a Me) mentality. Build a team family mentality.  You can have a family cheer and/or a special handshake. You don’t have to go that route, but do look for ways to build your own united front that supports and stands up for one another. Depending on their age, have your children create projects and goals they want to accomplish together: for example, they might hold a mini-garage sale or lemonade stand with proceeds to buy a new Lego set they both want.
2. Create a sibling treasure jar. Put money or candy in the jar when you see either of them doing something nice for the other one or making a good choice not to tease back. Once the jar is filled, they can choose what they’d like to do together: go to an aquarium, the movies, or a family fun center, for example.
3. Celebrate their relationship. Let them make or buy gifts for each other for birthdays and holidays. Encourage times where they just go do an activity together (without friends).  Declare “Sibling Sundays,” when they get to watch a movie and eat popcorn together. Keep them on the same team when playing board games against parents.
4. Arrange time for them to be apart from one another. Each child needs quality time alone with each parent. Have an outing together, go on a dinner date, arrange for separate play dates, and let each child go visit Grandma without the other sibling.
5. Treat and love each child fairly and uniquely, not equally. We all have different needs. Different children require different kinds of attention at different times.
6. Have community property and individual property. Generally speaking, most items should be community property—balls, puzzles, books, and games for example. Individual property is for “special” items. Perhaps it was a birthday gift or something they saved up for. Those items should be put somewhere special, with the rule that permission needs to be granted before they are used by the other sibling.

Neutral Language

7.      Minimize comparisons. Whether comparisons are positive or negative, they have the same unintended effect on your children. Instead of: You can ride your  bicycle without training wheels now, not like your sister who still rides her tricycle, try self-esteem-building statements like You look very proud of yourself that you’ve learned how to ride your bicylce without training wheels.

Mediator

8.      Treat each child the same. Instead of trying to figure out who was the instigator (we don’t really know what happened), you can say something like, “Kids, do you need to go to take a break for a while or do you want to work on a solution now?”

1. Don’t play favorites. The child you are having trouble appreciating in the heat of the moment is exactly the child who also needs your love and attention. Be sensitive to this.

It’s really not possible to eliminate all conflict. But it is possible to increase the bonds, trust, and warmth in your home. It’s also important to take time to teach our young children the conflict-resolution tools they can use with loved ones, friends, and coworkers in the future.  What a child doesn’t receive or have, after all, he can seldom later give.

How to Deal With Co-Parenting Issues

The Other Parent Dislikes You
It can be uncomfortable working with someone who doesn't like you, for the sake of your child, you and  your partner in parenting must put your differences aside. Really work on not discussing the situations in front of the children and focus only on your child.  Resist getting into disagreements and be firm and follow through with your requests.

You Never Agree With Each Other

Most people who plan to have a child together do so because they have common values, beliefs, and interests.  If you and your co-parent have been bumping heads on important decisions concerning your child, you may want to try these things to resolve the issue:

·    Learn to compromise so you get what you want sometimes, and she gets what she wants other times.

·         Set up a cooperative agreement by using a mediator, if needed.

·         If possible, don't make decisions on the spot. In addition, if one parent won't agree and the other won't compromise, decide not to do it. 

·         If you can't agree on a situation that needs to be decided on, think only about the interest and well-being of the child. Disagreements between non-romantic parents are often the result of differences between the adults; the actual decision should be made with the child's best interests in mind.

Your Child Says Co-Parent Is Talking Badly About You

When children hear one parent talk badly about the other, they become worried and sad. These are negative feelings a child should not have, so it's best to stop the bad-mouthing immediately.

They Break Agreements Often

If you have a co-parenting plan or rules set in place for when your child is with his other parent and that parent doesn't follow them, the situation needs to be addressed.

They Neglect the Child

If your parenting partner hasn't been around to see your child or has decided to stop being a parent, you can't force him to interact with your child. Instead, you need to meet with him to discuss what he would like his role to be as a joint parent. 

They Ignore Your Calls and Texts

If your kids are young, your only line of communication with them is through their other parent during visits. If the kids have their own phones, it may be easier to keep in touch when they're not with you.

·         Talk to your ex to determine their motivation and be honest with yourself about whether your calls and texts are too much.

·         Respect the other person's time as you'd have them respect yours.

·         Create a communication agreement with boundaries 

·         Give kids the chance to dictate how much communication 

Social Media Sharing

When you're both using social media to share information about your lives, it can create jealousy or raise questions about parenting skills and practices.  

Help for Common Co-Parenting Problems

In most cases, discussing the situation with the co-parent is the best route. In stressful or difficult situations, you may want to consider seeking the professional help of a counselor or mediator. Whether the two of you work things out on your own or with the help of a professional, having an open mind and being flexible will yield the best results when problem solving.

1.  Reassure, Legitimize and Validate your childrens feelings

“No matter their ages, explain (to your children) why you’re dating and that no one will ever replace the other parent,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, professor at Oakland University, author and family therapist. “Tell them they are your first priority and you’ll always be there for them, no matter who you’re dating.”  If kids are resistant or negative, don’t get defensive. Acknowledge feelings, and give extra hugs.

2. No revolving doors of men/women

In my 20's & 30's, I did not do such a great job of not introducing my oldest daughter to various men I was dating but I wished I had.  It is best to wait until you have established a long time relationship with someone new before introducing your kids to him/her.  

Surprisingly, younger kids are “more resilient,” says Dr. Orbuch. For stability and trust, don’t march a bunch of dates before your kids – and if you do, understand that tweens, teens and adolescents are likely to take break-ups harder than little ones.

3. Understand that every kid is different

All children are different when it comes to meeting someone new and considering a childs temperament and developmental age are very important when introducing them to someone new.  You should try and always us the concept of friends.

4. Keep it Fun & Neutral

First, second, even third meetings of a “significant other” and your respective kids should occur in neutral, fun locations – Water Parks, Chuck E. Cheese, parks, Putt-putt golf or movies, any place that doesn't add pressure.

5. Reassess having a romantic sleepover

Depending on the age of the children you may want to really think about having a romantic sleepover.

Especially with teens, while they hear what you say, they are more likely to do what you do, says Dr. Orbuch. Both agree that the significant-other-sleepover is a values call – and both hesitate to give the green light from a clinical perspective before there’s a ring on your finger.

“Adolescents are watching and they’re going to model you. Kids do what parents do,” Dr. Orbuch says. Reserve sleepovers for nights when the kids stay with the other parent.

6.  Discuss with your co-parent before introducing new "friend"

7. No step-discipline, please

“In our houses, parents take the main role; steps (don’t) execute punishments,” says Buscemi, the Rochester Hills author of I Do, Part Two: How to Survive Divorce, Co-Parent Your Kids and Blend Your Families Without Losing Your Mind.

8. Encourage the other parent relationship

“Whether the divorce was good or bad, whether there’s still feelings of resentment or bitterness, be kind to each other,” says Buscemi. “Don’t throw a new love in your ex’s face. Keep respect for your kid in mind.  Research shows that “it’s the exception that parents remarry,” says Dr. Orbuch. “The most difficult thing for kids to understand is they don’t have control over their parents’ relationship.”

9.  Remarriage is a good thing

It’s another adult in the house, another person to love your children, an example of a healthy loving relationship. “If you’re happy and balanced, you’re going to be a better role model,” says Dr. Orbuch.

Even when it comes to the wedding, let kids have a voice. Choosing desserts or clothing or the order in which they’ll walk down the aisle (by age!) allows kids to take ownership of this new marriage and feel like they have a place in it.

Choosing to Forgive your Ex

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.  Archbishop Desmond Tutu writes:

"Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us. We are bound with chains of bitterness, tied together, trapped. Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the keys to our happiness; that person will be our jailor. When we forgive the person who harmed us, we take back control of our own fate and our feelings. We become our own liberators. We don’t forgive to help the other person. We don’t forgive for others. We forgive for ourselves. Forgiveness, in other words, is the best form of self-interest. This is true both spiritually and scientifically."

Tutu says, “To forgive is also to release yourself from whatever trauma and hardship you have experienced and reclaim your life as your own.”  

Eight Keys to Forgiveness (by Robert Enright)
This essay has been adapted from 8 Keys to Forgiveness (W. W. Norton & Company, 2015)

Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness, adapted from  8 Keys to Forgiveness. 

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters
Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it.  Forgiveness is a process with many steps.

2. Become “forgivingly fit”
To practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what I call “forgivingly fit.”  

3. Address your inner pain
It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.   
4. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy
Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone , they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. 

5. Find meaning in your suffering
When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. 

6. When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths
Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. 

7. Forgive yourself
Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness Soften your heart toward yourself.

8. Develop a forgiving heart
When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world.  If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you become freed to love more widely and deeply. 

Creating Healthy Boundaries in Co-Parenting

What are boundaries?
A quick summary of the boundaries described by Therapist Aid:

• Intellectual: Having respect for one another's thoughts and ideas.
• Emotional: Having respect for one another's feelings.
• Sexual: Having respect for the limitations and desires between sexual partners.
• Material: Having respect for one another's material possessions.
• Time: Having respect for one another's use of time

How you determine your boundaries?
When you feel disrespected, offended, or just plain uncomfortable with the other person's actions, it may be because they have crossed a boundary for you.  No one can understand your boundaries unless you communicate them.  

• A detailed parenting plan 
• Keep your communications only on the children 
• Avoid posting issues on social media
• Don't put your children in the middle

Treat it like a business (boss).  It helps many co-parents to think of the endeavor, like a business relationship.
Other boundaries co-parents, like Michelle from Confessions of Parenting, find helpful for maintaining a successful co-parenting relationship include:

• Never discussing any co-parenting issues during pick-up and drop-off times.
• Let your co-parent know about school functions, extracurricular activities, and special events that involve your children.
• It is okay to have separate activities with your kids–different birthday parties or celebrations of holidays are fine and can help minimize potentially tense situations.

Do I have the right to know what my child is doing while they are visiting their other parent?  The reality is that your ex or co-parent isn’t required to tell you anything about what he or she and the children do unless the court order or visitation agreement specifically requires it.

Set Reasonable Co-Parenting Rules 
First, try communicating with your ex about your concerns. You can’t always believe everything your children tell you.  Send email/text (not in person, if things are too emotional)

Setting Boundaries with a High Conflict Co-Parent

Ending a relationship with a partner who is prone to conflict can be challenging on many levels. If you have children, one of the most significant difficulties will be figuring out how to build a working relationship as co-parents.  

Commit to the Parenting Plan
In a high conflict co-parenting situation, agreeing on a parenting plan will take a good deal of effort. 
Consider Parallel Parenting 
When your co-parent isn't willing to cooperate, and communication is difficult, parallel parenting may be an excellent approach to take. Parallel parenting is co-parenting but with added boundaries. One of these boundaries will be to disconnect from your co-parent on a certain level by not communicating directly with each other.  In parallel parenting, you may find that you implement a rather specific parenting plan.

Tools for Parallel Parenting Communication

Keep Your Personal Life Private 
You must set some emotional boundaries to protect yourself from getting hurt.  One way to keep your emotions in check when it comes to your co-parent is to keep your personal life to yourself. 
Watch Out For Pitfalls
As you do what you can to set boundaries between your co-parent and your personal life, you should also do the same when it comes to the other parent and their life.
Talk to Someone
Getting through a divorce or separation with a high conflict partner isn't something you can easily do on your own. 

Parenting Your Adult Children

Your diaper-changing, school hustle & bustle and soccer driving days are over. Whether you feel relieved or conflicted about this change, it’s time to embrace your adult child’s independence and enjoy a new phase of parenthood; there are different ways for parenting adult children. Here are some ways to grow a healthy relationship with your adult children.

1.  Respect your differences. 

2. Share your insight and wisdom (no critizcing).

3. Set and keep boundaries with adult children.  

4. Do things you love together.

5. Make room for their significant others.

6. Be more of a consultant, not a Manager

7. Allow space for your children to talk with you, be a sounding board.

8. Hold family meetings or "get togethers"

 In our ever changing lives, it is important that we practice grateful living.  What does it mean to practice grateful living?  Grateful living is active.  It asks us to step into our lives and participate and to cultivate all the possibilities that live on the other side of our busyness.  Sunday morning I woke up with feelings of gratitude. Which leads me to my subject for this week and what does it mean to practice grateful living.

Step one – Stop – by stopping and listening you cultivate a presence of being aware

Step Two – Look – Look for ways to be grateful

Step Three – Go – Going for what is possible

STEP ONE – Stop – by stopping and listening you cultivate a presence of being aware.

Being Present opens us to vulnerability and with vulnerability comes messiness but magical, tumultuous, yet tender, and a serious sacredness to us.  Being present allows our eyes and hearts to be open to life.  Being fully present can make life’s experiences of belonging as well as isolation, beauty and heartbreak, it will usher us into an awareness of the preciousness of life and will lay a foundation for our capacity of gratefulness.

STEP TWO - Look - Look for ways to be grateful

Having perspective allows us to be fully present in our experience and lets us see something from a “birds eye” view. In having perspective we can have the direct experience and also be gaining insight about that experience as the exact same time. This is called “perspective-taking” which allows us to experience compassion, empathy and deep consideration for ourselves and others. This is a key building block for connection, intimatcy and grateful living.

An important reason to practice cultivating perspective is that it can help wake us up and keep us awake to the gifts in our lives without needing an actual "wake up call” experience.  “It was a wake-up-call” happenings are often those wherein we lose – or almost lose something we deeply treasure but can take for granted: health, home, money, job, family, friends etc. We also know it best not to need them in order to be/stay awake to what we truly love. Better to remember to appreciate it all now.   

Grateful living practice means practicing gratitude even when, redirecting our thoughts in when life experiences hit us.  We can ask ourselves, what perspective would help me feel grateful now? Or What perspective will help me open a sense of opportunity for me?
STEP THREE – Go- going for what is possible

When we are present to life – with perspective – and aware of the opportunities around us, then we are called to act. Then it is time to go. Time to generate a new or renewed experience. Time to cultivate possibility. Time to make a change.

With perspective and possibility, our experiences of "not enough" can shift to "more than enough", and we realize that we do not need more, different, or better in order to lead our lives fully, gratefully, and generously. This shift makes more of life available to us. We become more aware of the vast resources and possibilities life is offering us in every moment. Seeing what is possible allows us to create and act in ways that reinforce having a world for which we, and others, can feel truly grateful. The magic is in the fact that the more that we act with intention, showing gratitude, the more grateful we all can become.

https://gratefulness.org/resource/grateful-living-gratitude-practice-ideas/

In this weeks episode we talk about the START method that the organization We Start Now has provided on their website www.westartnow.org and on their instagram @we.start.now.  Below is their "Rules of Thumb" method and START method that have helped hundreds of families navigate social media standards and norms.

S - START WITH YOURSELF

Model healthy tech use for your kids. When studies show the average person checks a smartphone 80 times per day, we need to think about what we are modeling for our kids.  Of course, we will never be perfect...but an honest look at our own digital habits is a great first step toward building empathy, trust, and digital health as a family .

T - TURN IN ZONES

Create device free rhythms and spaces. Establish device-free zones throughout your daily routine—a time to recharge and reconnect with one another.  A great place to start is mealtimes and bedtimes—keep phones out of sight when you are eating and have kids charge their devices outside of their bedrooms at night.  The benefits are powerful, and can create lifelong habits that foster your child’s mental health and digital well-being. 

A - ACCOUNTABILITY

Apply filters + settings + openness. While there is no filtering or parental control product that is 100% foolproof, our kids deserve the highest level filters we can provide. These are only safety nets; the first line of defense should be open relationships with trusted adults who can help children navigate the dangers they run into online. Accidents are bound to happen, and when they do, adults should be prepared to remain calm so kids know we are safe harbor.

R - RIDE. PRACTICE. DRIVE.

Use a driver’s ed approach to tech training. Before you hand your kids the keys to a car, you prepare them to navigate risky situations and road hazards.  They spend many years shadowing you in the backseat, followed by driving with a learner’s permit—with  you logging hours by their side to equip them with the needed skills.  Just like a car, tech comes with great responsibility—and requires an intentional training process. 

T - TIME WELL SPENT

Connect online & offline. Keep your eye on what matters most—the life right in front of you.  Be intentional about deepening connections with people in your family and community—both online and offline.  Show your kids how to be captivated by life—not screens.  Teach them to ask this simple question:  at the end of my life, what will I say was time well spent?

RESOURCES
 
They have a Social Media Playbook which is can be a starter for families struggling keep social media in the proper place with their children.

 Westartnow.org

 2020 Annual Report on Children’s Digital Habits

https://qweb.cdn.prismic.io/qweb/e59c2e0f-ef4f-4598-b330-10c430e2ec71_Qustodio+2020+Annual+Report+on+Children%27s+Digital+Habits.pdf

 The complete guide to Chromebook parental controls

https://protectyoungeyes.com/devices/chromebook-parental-controls/

 Video Game Decision Tree

https://www.westartnow.org/videogames

 1).  Share vacation plans as soon as possible – don’t wait until the last minute to discuss with your co-parent what your plans are for the summer.  Summers aren’t always predictable especially if you have multiple kids and birthdays, sports schedules, reunions etc. These various schedules will require both parents participating.  It is so important for us to work together and having conversations in advance or even setting up a dinner/lunch or coffee time to specifically discuss summer plans is so important to having a great summer.   

2).  Get your childrens input for their summer plans – children do better when they have a routine and structure. Make sure their needs and interested are being considered during vacation planning stages.  If they are old enough, talk with them about they want to spend their time.  You may find out the kids want to stay in town and play soccer instead of going out of town on vacation.  Giving children a voice about what they do will relieve pressure of one parent having to explain to the other parent why their child does not want to do certain things this year on summer break.  It is also important to make sure that the kids have time to be kids.   Don’t have everything scheduled so much that there isn’t time for a KID to be just BE.

 3).  Have communication options available while you are out of town – If you are planning an out of town vacation this summer and your children will be away from their parent, it doesn’t mean that your child shouldn’t be able to speak to their other parent.   Additionally don’t take it personal if your child misses the other parent.  It is natural for your child to miss the other parent, so you shouldn’t feel hurt if they miss the other parent.  Your understanding way can help ease the worries by planning fun activities but also planning plenty of time to talk to or FT the other parent.

 4).  Avoid “being in competition with the other co-parent – do not try and one-up your co-parent with who has the better vacation. This will only create angry and resentment between you and your co-parent and could create guilt with the child.  Ultimately children just want to spend time with their parents and don’t really care about a fancy vacation.  The best summer memories are not created by money or material objects but by quality time.  

5). Be Flexible – Support your child’s relationship with the other co-parent.  If you are traveling out of town, make sure the other co-parent has all contact and travel information.  Make sure if you child is going away with the other co-parent, that they have doc info, sign any travel docs needed etc.  If your co-parent doesn’t see your children regularly, make sure they know your children(s) capabilities regarding hiking, swimming, allergies etc.  You ultimately want them to have a safe, happy and successful time together.  

6). Make other plans/relax -  for all my single moms you may not be able to afford a nice vacation, plan a trip to the zoo, art class, dance class, a day trip exploring local parks, a day for a water park, local public pool.  Take a surprise day off work to plan a picnic.  Create memories and don’t feel guilt about what you can do for your children.  Relax and stop pressuring yourself to creat the perfect summer for your child.  You are a parent, so plan a picnic outside, ice cream cones and fun running thru a sprinkler.  

7).  Think of yourself – If you are going to have long periods this summer without the children, plan some adult fun while your child is away.  Explore new places, read some books, meet people and expand your own interest. Remember that your co-parent loves the children just like you do and will act in their best interest.

 With the upcoming mothers day and birth mother day, I was thinking of how complex motherhood can be and how for me personally my relationship with my mother is/was so complicated.  It is no surprise that many of us have a complicated range of feelings – gratitude, sadness, grief, joy and anger.

As a mother you are either blamed, glamorized or judged critically by your children, family members or the outside world.  This judgment leaves little room for the true complexity of our mother as well as ourselves as mothers.

The complexity of the mother/child relationship leaves many of us feeling shame or guilt for not meeting the ideals of mothers and motherhood.

Especially during this year we see all the social media and TV’s media messages regarding the perfect version of Mothers Day.  The images show mothers and children and especially daughters as best friends, being close and celebrating togetherness.  For many of us, this is not what we experience or did experience with our own mothers.  These images can bring up a lot of feelings as we see the differences between what is portrayed on social media etc and what we have experienced or did experience in our childhood.  It seems as though the cultural message is that “if you don’t have this type of relationship with your mother, there is something wrong with you”.

Mother is a verb, as stated by Gloria Steinem, "but when mother is a verb—as in to mother, to be mothered—then the best of human possibilities come into our imaginations.

To mother is to care about the welfare of another person as much as one’s own.

To mother depends on empathy and thoughtfulness, noticing and caring.

To mother is the only paradigm in which the strong and the weak are perfectly matched in mutual interest.

Besides, one may be forced to be a mother, but one cannot be forced to mother"

To mother helps you change your internal definition of mother so that you stop looking for a perfect mother and so you will be begin to identify your mother as anyone who offers care.

You are mothering and being mothered if you are offered acceptance, sustenance, direction or instruction, and empowering.  There is no perfect way but if you can provide these things than you are the essence of a mother.