Co-Parenting; Your Thrive Guide

1) Be polite & civil

It's important to remove the emotion when communicating with your co-parent, especially in the beginning when your raw emotions are so new. Set new boundaries and communicate in the same way you want to be communicated with.

2) Keep Communication short & sweet

This relationship between you is in the past. Communication should always be about your children and their needs.  Simple responses are the best especially in the beginning.

3) No fighting with the kids present

Focus on making your kids happy.  Ongoing conflict between co-parents is very stressful to the children. 

4) Don't put your children in the middle

Don't use your child as a messenger. Always communicate directly with your co-parent, even when.... 

5) Communicate regularly

During this difficult time, kids really need to know that you are both actively involved in their lives. Setup weekly or bi-weekly meetings (dinner, or meet at the park etc)

6) Stay on topic

Clear communication between you and your co-parent partner means it's that it is much less likely that information gets lost in translation. It helps to stay on topic and keep the communication brief and to-the-point. Commit to communicating a few times a week.

7) Concentrate on now and the future

All the problems that led to your separation are not relevant to your co-parenting relationship. You need to leave them in the past where they belong. Your only concern from now on should be in relation to your children. And how you are going to raise them and support them together as they grow up.

8) Listen to hear, not to respond

Often we hear what we want to hear or what we expect to hear.  Take the time to try and understand their point of view. Listening is key to successful communication.

9) Look for compromise and always be flexible

There will be undoubtly situations when you will disagree with your co-parent, find a way to communicate that allows you both to work together to find a resolution. Try to be as flexible as possible without comprising your boudaries. If your co-parent's birthday is during your parenting time and they want to celebrate with the children, be kind and say yes. Don't make your kids miss out on a special occasion or having fun with the other parent out of spite. Children end up being the biggest losers in this scenario. Also, when you make a request next time, your co-parent is much more likely to say yes.

There will be many challenges with co-parenting partner throughout the years.  Work to put your children first and always act in their best interests. If you use these communication tools you can build a strong co-parenting relationship and your children will be much happier without having to choose sides.

Strategies to Discipline with your children while Co-Parenting:

Talk about the consequences prior to carrying out the discipline:
If a discipline issue comes up on a transition day or should be carried out during the other parent's time, you can both agree to talk to one another before the consequence is given.  You can make the decision together.
Let the consequence wait:
You can agree not to give an immedicate consequence.  Sometimes the not knowing part is the worse than the actual punishment.
Form a united front:
In order to present this united front, a decision needs to be made early regarding whether you can work together and form a united front with respect to shared boundaries and disciplinary guidelines for your child.  If you are at the beginning of your co-parenting journey, mediation or a session with a family therapist with your ex-partner can be helpful to discuss topics such as how to manage differences in disciplinary approaches, even when you disagree with the disciplinary actions or decisions you are backing up!

The aim is to come out of this session with some ground rules for you and your ex-partner when it comes to discipline.  These may include agreed upon acceptable consequences, how you want to communicate about your child’s behavior  and the expectations that you can both honor when your children are with you. This shows your children that when it comes to parenting, you are working together and nothing has changed.

Golden Rules to Discipline:
Never criticize the other co-parent
Set aside your own emotions about your ex and do what is in the best interest of the child
Respectful co-parenting
Successful co-parenting where discipline is concerned requires respect for your co-parent, no matter what has happened prior.  If nothing else, it is about remembering that the other co-parent is important to your child. When we have someone that we dislike, it is easy to reject or criticize the way in which they deal with things. The danger is that when your the other parent makes a decision around discipline, you reject it without a thought.  

Understanding that not everyone has an easy co-parent partner and if the other parent won’t continue the discipline you have laid out, you can either wait to exercise the discipline or have a discussion with the other parent about what discipline they think would be effective.

Trust your instincts and do the best you can. Ultimately, the more consistent you can be in your home and your ex can be in theirs, the more secure your children will feel.  If you and the other parent can work together to teach good values to your children  and they learn right from wrong, there are no better co – parents than that.

In this weeks’ episode, I interview Fiona Kong, creator of Home Sweet Homes; A Journal and Planner for co-parents & child.

Fiona Kong is a single mom of a 4-year-old boy. She is a former analyst, turned entrepreneur after finding a lack of resources and tools available to support children after a separation or divorce. During the pandemic, she created Home Sweet Homes: A journal & planner for co-parents & child.  She is passionate about mental health advocacy, sustainable living and is a serial meditator. Originally from Rockville, MD she currently lives in Los Angeles, CA.

 What is so amazing about her newly created journal is that it is child-led and it is something that the co-parents can do individually and with their child. 

 Fiona is warm, thoughtful and very intuitive.  I loved my interview with you and I hope that you find her as engaging as I do and I hope you will join me in buying her journal.  You can find her on Instagram @homesweethomes.coparenting

Check out my interview with Grace Beason @iamgracebeason .

In our interview she shares her story of growing in a “co-parent household” before we all knew about co-parenting.  Grace gives us great advice about how communication with our “children” is so important.   She is inspiring, funny and very relatable.  

Grace is a mindset and empowerment coach.  She provides women with empowerment tools and supports them to feel a greater sense of calm.  You can check our her website at www.gracebeasoncoaching.com

In addition, she is the host of her podcast “Because Why Not?”.  Her podcast is funny and applicable and provides spiritual tools that we all can use (available wherever you download your podcast).  I hope you will take the time to listen.

Grace and her husband have created @thelushandlady where they “serve up Alcohol Free beverage options for drinkers and non drinkers alike”.  Their videos are awesome!  It is informative, funny and very entertaining.   

Brene Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living are as follows:

1.   Cultivating Authenticity and Letting Go of What Other People Think

2.   Cultivating Self-Compassion and Letting Go of Perfectionism

3.   Cultivating Your Resilient Spirit, Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness

4.   Cultivating Gratitude and Joy, Letting go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

5.   Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith, Letting Go of the Need for Certainty

6.   Cultivating Creativity and Letting Go of Comparison

7.   Cultivating Play and Rest, Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth

8.   Cultivating Calm and Stillness and Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle

9.   Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed-To

10.    Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance. And Letting Go of Cool and Always in Control

In this episode you will hear our conversation with Jessica (Bonus Mom) and Naomi (Bio Mom).  Jessica and Naomi have been a part of each others life for over 20 years.

We talk about their background and how they first met, how their dynamics have changed over the years.  We will hear about their conflicts regarding custody, visitation and money.

They will give us insightful and helpful advice for all of us to become better mothers to our children.

Religion & Co-Parenting; Striking a Balance

1.    Religious traditions versus Indoctrination     

This is the difference between sharing your faith with your child and having them participate in certain religious rites of passage (e.g., baptism, confirmation, bar mitzvah). Parents should be allowed to talk to their children about their faith and to share aspects of it with them, but participating in organized rituals should require the consent of both parents unless one parent has sole decision-making power.  The end point is morality, not religion.  Religion provides a framework for morality but one can be religious without being moral and vice-versa.  Ultimately, we should care about if we raise moral children and not necessarily religious children. 

2. Morals & Core Values

We should ask ourselves why sharing our religion with our children matters.  We should do serious soul searching and be honest with ourselves and make sure we are not making this area into a battleground due to anger with your ex-spouse.  Instead we should consider the values of our religion and what we hope our child(ren) learns from our faith. This personal exploration will help us when we do choose to talk with our co-parent about  faith.

3. Holidays & Traditions

What are the holidays, rituals, and traditions you want your child to experience?  How do you imagine those experiences would be for your co-parent, and what religious traditions do you imagine he or she wants to share? Try to imagine how those holidays and traditions might co-exist.  The ability to co-parent with different religions will make your child feel less pressure and therefore be happier.

4. Above all respect

As with all areas of co-parenting, operating from a place of respect establishes a good foundation and models how to sort through conflict constructively. Try to genuinely understand your co-parent’s point of view. Try to share your point of view without being defensive or belittling the other religion. If you need help, access a divorce coach or therapist.

When your child grows up, he will ultimately decide if and how to incorporate religion and spirituality into his life. If you have modeled the values of your religion (love, kindness, compassion), you will have given your child an enormous gift. 

You can appreciate a religion without subscribing to it. There’s a beauty to the ritual, music and message of any faith. There is no need to critique it; it can just be accepted for what it is and let the kids take from it what they may.  There’s no value in saying anything disparaging about a faith or its practitioners. This is never a good idea; religious or not.

I want my children to hear my beliefs.   What I want for my children are to have morality, respect and open-mindedness. If they grow to become religious, I want them to come to their decision freely.

How conflict be avoided?

There are healthy ways to pass your values and beliefs onto your children without offending your partner.  Rather than focusing on what can come from not following your religion (punishment), focus on the reason you chose to follow the religion. If you do this correctly you children will be able to choose for themselves what will work best.

 Try to find similarities among your religions. Do not pollute the relationship you have with your child or your partner over your religion.  Hold strong in what you believe, but this belief should not be aggressively imposed on others.

 Look for the positives/Never point out the negatives.

This topic is a tough one especially for anyone that has parented with or been in a relationship with a narcissistic person. In determining what topic I would focus one today, I decided to talk about this subject based on feedback from multiple people on Facebook.  

I want to emphasize that I am not a therapist or counselor but I do have a ton of real world experience that I can share you with you and believe it will be beneficial.

Minimize contact

Many people that are narcissist love nothing more than to engage in psychological warfare.  Their agenda is to keep you entrenched in the relationship or to continue the manipulation, so minimizing contact with them can go a long way towards keeping the peace.  

Establish clear boundaries. 

Structure can provide our children with a safe secure buffer zone and shield from psychological trauma.  Creating a co-parenting plan can help minimize contact and help with establishing boundaries as well. 

 Get a co-parenting app

For co-parenting schedules, expense sharing, and more co-parenting apps can be a handy, low-cost (or free!) way to make co-parenting easy, plus create a document to help resolve any conflict quickly.

Maintain Emotional control

If you lose control and show angry by yelling, crying or even pleading, the narcissist will feel like they've won.    If they win, they will continue to behave in ways that get a rise out of you. Remaining as unemotional as possible is the best way to go about interacting with them. Minimizing contact is one way to be able to maintain control of yourself in front of him or her.  Vow to be calm, pleasant, and non-emotional. 

Be a Good Role Model

Your kids need to see one healthy parent. If children have at least one healthy role model in their lives, they will not only survive, but thrive.   You need to show them that although they may not be able to control their unhealthy parent's behavior, they are able to control their own. 

Look at the big picture 

A hallmark of emotional maturity is weathering life’s storms.  Focus not on the breakdowns, but the breakthroughs.  Nothing lasts forever

Do What Is Best for Your Children

A person who has narcissistic tendencies will always put their own needs first. He or she will not put the children first and will use the children as tools in order to keep you engaged and for their own agenda. Protect Your Kids

Never Give Up

Typically the narcissistic parent won't change and you should be realistic about this. Working to keep things as amicable as possible is crucial for the child's mental well-being.  This may not work, no matter what you do. Just remember that although you cannot control another person's behavior, you can control your own. The ultimate goal is your children being able to have relationships with both of their parents that are as conflict-free as possible.   Making your goal a peaceful, happy home is paramount to raising happy children even when you have a narcissistic parent.

 The Pandemic, Lay-offs, pay-cuts, foreclosures, and debt are all realities of the world we live in.  What we share with our child about our family's financial problems, and the way we share it, can have a profound impact on their ability to process and cope — and even on their financial future.

If you or the other co-parent are facing a trying time financially, whether or not you've tried to hide it from your child, they most likely already know.  Children are incredibly perceptive and they can pick up on parents' stress, conversations, and changed spending habits  much more accurately than most will give them credit for.  Picking up on these cues without the explanation and assurance of a parent can lead to confusion and insecurity — emotions that can cause stress, anxiety, and physiological problems.

How much you should share depends on your child's age and maturity level. Generally, it is recommended that sharing fewer details and emphasizing security with children 12 and under — the basic concept of frugality is all they can really process.  Most teens, however, will be financially literate and can handle more information.  If they can understand it, they can better cope with it, and they may be more receptive to discussing your family's money issues. 

Don't lie. You can choose how you phrase things and how much to share depending on your situation, but don't give false information about your money problems.

Educate your children on finances. Trying times and slimmer budgets provide an opportunity for teaching your children about money, saving, frugality, and wants vs. needs. Berger said you can use your own financial missteps as a lesson, focusing on what you've learned and not being afraid to admit if you've made mistakes. "It's okay to be fallible," he said.

Focus on the positive. Emphasize that the difficult changes now will be better for the long-term, that a move or change in activity allows for new opportunities elsewhere and that no matter what, you parents will always love you and be here for you.

Show a united front. Have a conversation with the other co-parent and discuss it ahead of time, so you both can agree on what to say to the kids and how before confronting them. If you have an open conversation without the children you can hopefully discuss 

Don't use your child as your confidant. It's important to maintain the parent/child relationship as a healthy boundary. Confiding in a child like a peer or "over-sharing" will give them an added sense of stress. The child does not have the answers or the mindset to take responsibility for your family's finances — focus on their best interests in the situation.

 Do allow your child the space to express their anger – give them the space to open up and be sure to listen – pillow talk

Do let your child talk freely to another trusted adult – grandmother, teacher, close family friend – if your child can talk through their feelings with someone that you both respect, it will help them come to terms with what has happened. It will help them come to terms with what has happened, yes they can talk to you but they may be afraid of hurting you and they may want to discuss you as well.

With support and reassurance your child can come through this difficult place and come out on the other side as an empathic, caring and responsible person.

Resources for Single Parents:
www.asinglemother.org
www.coabode.org
www.singlemotherguide.com

Many parents, especially white parents may feel uncomfortable about knowing the right way to start a conversation with your children regarding race.   Before you decide to have these important conversation with your children you may want to ask yourself a few questions.
 1).  Do you know and own your own biases?

• Let your children know and see you acknowledge and face your bias.
• We’re less likely to pass on the biases we identify and work to overcome.
• Give your child an example of a bias, racial or otherwise, that you hold or have held. 
• Share with your child things you do to confront and overcome that bias.

2).  Do you celebrate diversity in your everyday life?
Many parents may be tempted to teach their children to be "color blind" or actually shy away from acknowledging differences however all of differences, skin color, genetic makeup and culture, should be celebrated, not ignored.    Do you model your belief with your words?   Do you show respect and understanding with someone that doesn’t look like you?  How diverse is your circle of friends?  When was the last time you invited a black/brown person to social event with you, out to dinner (before COVID).  How can you widen your family circle to include others that don’t look like you?
3).  How are you educating yourself on racism? 

• Study and talk about the histories and experiences of  Black people, Asian Americans, Indigenous Peoples.
• Make sure you understand that every racial and ethnic group includes people who believe different things and behave in different ways . There is as much diversity within racial groups as across them.

For me my education began simply by having friends outside my race, dating outside my race which then ultimately lead me to becoming even more educated on Racism by reading many books and listening to podcasts on racism and  understanding our true history.  Additionally I took several workshops with Racial Equity Institute  out of Greensboro which was literally the most enlightening workshops I have ever taken.   
4).  Are you talking about racism?
Although this is a sensitive subject, it still exists and while some forms of racism are subtle comments and or prejudice many are outright hatred and violence.  Just because you aren’t talking about it doesn’t mean its not happening.
5).  Are talking to your Co-Parent/Partner?
Co-Parents need to talk among themselves about race and racism and what their experiences have been, and what they want their relationship to be and what they want their family to be.  Talking about race and racism between co-parents is critical to raising children that know and understand race and racism,  It will go a long way in breaking the cycle of systematic racism.
Resources:
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/anti-racism-resources-for-parents-and-kids

https://www.essence.com/entertainment/childrens-books-racism/

https://www.sceneonradio.org/seeing-white/

https://www.racialequityinstitute.com/

Antiracist Baby board book, and co-author of the Stamped: Racism, Antiracism and You for young adults, has recently appeared on a number of podcasts such as Unlocking Us  - Ibram X. Kendi