The opposite of love is something OTHER THAN HATE. And when Lori stopped crying? That's when Jay finally got scared.

In this raw 26-minute conversation, Lori ask Jay 12 Questions about what really went through his mind when he saw her crying over his betrayal. His answers reveal the uncomfortable truth about damaged empathy, hardened hearts, and why Lori’s silence terrified him MORE than her tears ever did.

They also cover what EMOTINAL MATURITY is… and isn’t.

What you'll discover:

• What Jay felt in his body the first time he saw Lori cry (fear, and …)

• When her crying stopped affecting him the same way (damaged empathy)

• Did her tears make him want to just get better at HIDING? (the honest answer)

• The story he told himself to pretend her pain didn't exist

• The moment she stopped crying and why THAT finally scared him

• Did he feel bad for her… or for how it made him look?

For Partners: If he’s seen your pain through your tears and still nothing changed, this video explains why. Plus, Jay reveals what finally broke through his hardened heart.

For Addicts: This conversation shows the difference between feeling bad about messing up vs. feeling bad for the person you hurt. It also challenges you to see your wife's tears as a sign of pain instead of a sign of your worth?

Plus: The accounting vs. math analogy that helped Jay understand what Lori needed (and WHY IT DIDN'T LAST).

NOTE: We're trying a new editing style, going from natural but long to choppier and shorter. (Tell us which you prefer!)

CHAPTERS

00:00 Intro (new editing = choppier.)

01:23 What did you feel when I cried?

06:51 EMOTIONAL MATURITY EQUALS…

08:42 Did you feel bad for me (vs your image)?

11:12 What did you FEEL IN YOUR BODY in the breakthrough moment?

12:20 When did my crying STOP affecting you the same way?

14:58 Did you feel ANNOYED when I cried?

15:33 Did my tears ever make you feel powerful?

18:24 Did you only cry over own feelings… or for me?

19:16 What story did you tell yourself to pretend my pain didn't exist?

20:16 Did watching me cry make you want to get better at HIDING?

21:15 Did you ever feel bad about NOT feeling bad?

22:37 What was hardest: the emotion or consequences?

24:12 Did it SCARE YOU MORE when I stopped crying (indifference)

25:49 Questions for viewers & Sneak Peek

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

HONEST QUESTION: Did you ever think 'SHE'LL NEVER LEAVE ME, so I can keep doing this'?

Most partners wonder if their addict secretly believed they could get away with it forever. In this brutally honest conversation, Jay answers questions that keeps betrayed spouses up at night, including: DID YOU THINK I WAS TOO WEAK TO LEAVE?

His answer might surprise you.

What you'll discover:

• Why Jay believed 'people leave' but kept lying anyway (the twisted logic of addiction)

• The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl' and what finally changed

• Did he see my staying as weakness or strength? (you need to hear this)

• How addicts put 'stock in their ability to lie' and why that delusion keeps them trapped

• The difference between desperate plate-spinning vs. mastermind manipulation (who we work with)

• When it finally hit him that I wasn't going to tolerate this forever (it wasn't what I expected)

FOR PARTNERS: If you've ever wondered whether your loyalty is being used as a weapon against you, this conversation validates everything you're feeling. Jay reveals what was really going through his mind when I stayed, when I threatened to leave, and when I finally meant it.

FOR ADDICTS: If you're thinking 'just one more time' or 'she'll never find out,' you need to hear why that thinking is borrowed time, not clever strategy.

PLUS: What I did every time we had a bad conversation (separating boxes, DIY divorce books, and the grief that always followed).

COMMENT BELOW: Do you ever feel like YOUR LOYALTY OR KINDNESS is used against you?

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Intro: Did you think I'd never leave?

00:34 Did you think she'll never leave me, so I can keep doing this?

01:42 Did you think you'd never face real consequences?

03:29 Did you ever test my limits?

04:14 Did it ever sink in that I might actually leave? (Lori's experience)

06:13 What I did with MY ANGER (separating boxes & DIY divorce)

07:16 Did you realize my staying wasn't the same as healing?

08:22 Did you misinterpret my silence as a GREEN LIGHT?

10:09 Did you mentally calculate how much I'd put up with?

11:24 Was your ABILITY TO LIE A SOURCE OF PRIDE?

12:34 Did you see me as WEAK FOR STAYING? (his answer surprised me)*

15:04 The type of men we work with

15:40 How many times did you think 'she'll never find out'?

17:22 The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl'

17:28 QUESTION FOR VIEWERS: Is your loyalty used as a weapon?

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#narcissisticabuse

#gaslighting

#toxicrelationships

#marriagehealing

#trustissues

#emotionalabuse

#christianmarriage

#deception

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

When addicts first get caught, most expect their partner to just move on: “I'm sorry! I quit! let's never talk about this again!” But here's the brutal truth: that mindset destroys any chance of real healing.

In this raw conversation, Jay reveals what he expected Lori to just get over shortly after D-Day, and why that expectation was completely backwards. We break down:

• WHY ADDICTS RESIST talking about it

• The SILENT TACTICS keep partners trapped

• What "PROACTIVITY" actually means in recovery

• Why betrayal trauma is like still being IN COMBAT

• ONE THING that would have SPED UP our healing (both partners need to hear this)

• Why this is NOT BIBLICAL or healthy

For addicts: If you're frustrated, she's not "over it yet," this will show you what you're actually asking her to carry. (Hint: Trust isn't something you automatically deserve.)

For partners: If anyone has told you to just forgive and move on, this validates why that advice is toxic. You're not being stubborn. You're in trauma. And he needs to understand what that really means.

This is about what real repair looks like versus just getting back to ‘status quo.’ Because maintaining peace through silence isn't peace at all.

Timestamps

00:00 Hook

00:39 Intro

01:42 How quickly did that mindset kick in for you?

04:00 Why does she keep talking about it?

06:52 Did you pressure me even silently to move on faster (or maybe not so silently)?

09:55 I didn't want to work hard.

10:45 What surprised you most about how long healing really takes?

11:35 What is the "lived out" definition of what you need?

13:58 How did learning about betrayal trauma change your expectation?

15:50 What did you need to unlearn about healing timelines to really show up for me?

18:01 What advice would you give to men who are frustrated that their wives aren't "over it" yet?

19:23 For our listeners: Did anyone tell you to "Just get over it?"

20:17 If you could go back to the beginning, what's one thing you would tell me about the pace of healing?

21:52 What Lori wished had happened.

23:36 Your silence may be costing you your peace.

24:58 Behind the Scenes

--

We mentioned The Basics of Rebuilding Trust, buy it here: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

Jay explains many deception tactics he used to hide his addiction. From robotic denials to fake confusion, playing dumb to calculated outbursts, this video exposes the manipulation patterns that betrayed partners recognize but often can't prove. It also covers:

-Specific moments Lori caught him using these tactics

-Addicts’ delusions and brain fog

-Calculated timing of confessions

-Partial truths

If you're a betrayed partner questioning your sanity or an addict wondering how long your tactics will work, this conversation will open your eyes. The lies addicts think are CLEVER are actually TRANSPARENT—and prolonging deception only makes healing harder for everyone.

Timestamps

00:00 Intro

01:31 What tactics did you use to lie and cover up your porn use?

02:28 Minimizing is lying

03:48 Becoming re-sensitized

05:35 Ever play dumb or fake confusion to avoid getting caught?

06:27 USED THE TRUTH to make your lies more believable?

07:54 Addicts test the waters by dripping the information out

10:03 Ever knowingly PLAYED UPON MY SYMPATHIES?

12:08 Phrases or emotion did you fake to throw me off?

13:12 Robotic lines

13:53 Using anger to hide

15:15 Ever not think too hard?

16:22 The DELUSIONAL Brain Fog*

17:18 Ever used my trauma fog or MY KINDNESS against me?

17:55 Waited me out, hoping I would forget?

20:02 What tactics did we forget? Let us know in the comments.

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#betrayedwife

In this compelling episode, we tackle the challenging subject of emotional

avoidance and addiction recovery. Jay opens up about his struggles with

feelings of abandonment, insecurity, and boredom, which led him to turn to

porn. We discuss the importance of facing these emotions head-on, rather

than fleeing from them, as well as HEALTHIER coping mechanisms and the

significance of accepting, rather than resisting, life's emotional

challenges. We start with testimonials from listeners that underscore the

impact of Jay's vulnerability and transparency in helping betrayed spouses

on their recovery journeys.

Highlights of this episode:

- The shocking fear a 6'0" ex-military man couldn't face (this will surprise you)

- Why boredom is actually dangerous and how it triggers relapse cycles

- The difference between wanting to numb emotions vs. learning to feel them (game-changer)

- How to tell if you're using 'recovery' to avoid real healing (most people miss this)

- The #1 sign you might be addicted (hint: it's about 5-second interactions)

- Practical coping techniques that actually work long-term (not just band-aids)

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Intro and Listener Feedback

04:05 Why BOREDOM is an issue for addicts

05:28 Dealing with PAST TRAUMAS

06:43 What truths were you refusing to face?

07:22 A fear Jay had not dealt with

09:20 Any truths about yourself you were afraid to face?

09:41 What did those fears feel like in your body?

11:23 Which of the feelings were THE MOST UNBEARABLE?

11:41 Did running away work?

14:16 Did you think NUMBNESS WAS A STRENGTH?

15:40 When did you first start using coping techniques to deal with those

emotions?

16:31 SOLUTION: TO build RESILIENCE, ask "What bad really happens?"

18:18 What could you 'not handle'? (Expectations v. Acceptance)

22:38 3 biggest emotions you now face?

26:11 How to create LONG-TERM DOPAMINE

28:02 Behind the scenes

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

Jay opens up about the internal voice telling him to confess his porn addiction - and why he actively chose to ignore it for years. We explore:

• The pattern of CALCULATED DELAY

• What that "voice of truth" actually sounds like

• The PERSONAL COSTS of ignoring God's promptings

• The split-second decision between truth and silence

• How SILENCE IS NEVER NEUTRAL

• When lying feels holy

If you're struggling with porn addiction, betrayal trauma, or wondering whether to come clean about your secrets, this conversation offers hope and practical insight into this crucial part of the recovery process.

Timestamps

00:00 Intro

00:28 Did you ever feel like you should tell the truth?

01:39 Jay describes the VOICE OF TRUTH (hearing God)

04:36 Earlier opportunities to avoid D-Day

06:29 What did you do when the voice showed up?

08:06 On feeling unlovable

10:05 When the wife ACCEPTS THE ADDICTION

12:55 Misunderstanding about ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

15:44 HOW GOD SEES US (3 ways)

18:35 Did you think silence would keep you lovable?

21:50 Personal COSTS of ignored nudges

24:31 Silence is never neutral

28:16 Was there a question I SHOULD HAVE ASKED to make you confess?

30:28 Was there any part of this that felt holy or virtuous? (spiritual costs)

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

In this raw conversation, we expose why the lies addicts tell and the beliefs they hide behind increase betrayal trauma. Jay opens up about the shocking justifications for his deceit and the internal struggles he faced while battling addiction. We cover two ways to COMBAT THE DELUSION of 'protecting' a partner from the truth. Lori asks about the deep-seated beliefs that shaped his actions, and stay until the end in for an eye-opening conversation on spiritual values, as well as a behind the scenes (kind of funny) moment.

Timestamps

00:00 Intro and Question

02:01 I don't want to get better

04:42 It became acceptable

05:17 “The beliefs that justified my lies”

09:02 Beliefs about LIFE/RELATIONSHIPS that helped him justify lying*

13:41 One more belief from his past

14:42 Solution: What is the history of the addict in your life?

16:55 "Maybe I SHOULD QUIT the thing I'm lying about?"*

18:35 Delusion and Pollyanna

20:36 Did Jay ever think the lying would cause more damage than porn.

23:58 What was the most shocking lie Jay justified?

24:53 Did SPIRITUAL/MORAL VALUES ever compete with his justifications?*

26:37 Jay’s thinking now?

27:41 The PROBLEM WITH CONFESSING all at once*

28:55 WORSE than porn

31:21 Feedback

32:06 BTS Moment involving a Bow and Arrow

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#BetrayalTrauma

#HealingTrust

#PornAddiction

#MarriageAdvice

#Confession

After 15 years of addiction, lies, and hiding, Jay finally found BROKENNESS. Not in a loud, dramatic crash, but in a quiet, rock-bottom moment where he just couldn’t keep lying about it... not to his wife, and not to himself.

In this video, we unpack THE MOMENT everything shifted, the darkest time in our marriage. We also cover the exact truths that went through Jay's mind at that moment, what finally broke the cycle, and what actions keep him sober to this day.

If you're stuck in addiction or trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, this conversation gets real. We name what actually changes things—not just for addicts, but for the wives of men who are ready to get serious.

This was the moment that made truth livable.

This was the day everything began to change.

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Intro and Question

00:43 The day Jay found BROKENNESS/hit ROCK BOTTOM

02:54 Jay's darkest moment (This really FRUSTRATES Lori)

05:33 What Jay told himself when he hit Rock Bottom

06:19 What made all the difference

08:13 Solution: If you can't leave

11:52 Addicted thinking vs Sober thinking

13:56 How Jay stays sober 15 years later*

16:08 "Those made all the difference" *

16:58 One big thing

17:57 What FREEDOM actually feels like now*

19:44 How Jay feels about himself now

21:18 How Jay has changed (from Loris POV)

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#rockbottom

#truth

#healing

#soberlife

#addiction

#marriagehelp

#liedtoher

#pornrecovery

#breakthestigma

What does real intimacy feel like after betrayal, addiction, and years of rebuilding trust? In this episode, we open up about how Jay’s ability to connect has changed over time — from fake vulnerability and performance to HONEST EMOTIONS and simple, humble presence.

Jay shares how he used to seek physical intimacy to avoid emotions, and how healing has redefined what closeness feels like. We talk about the risks of being emotionally naked, the power of GIVING SACRIFICIALLY, and how intimacy now lives in the small moments we missed before.

Topics we explore in this episode:

– The quickest path to intimacy (hint: it's not sex)

– What vulnerability really means

– Giving to give vs. giving to get

– Why 50/50 doesn’t fully heal relationships

– Untangling emotional from physical intimacy

– Presence: the real secret to connection

If you’ve ever wondered what intimacy can look like after real healing — not just surviving but connecting deeply — this one is for you.

 

00:00 Intro and question

00:44 How Jay saw intimacy THEN vs NOW

03:38 But it's not this...

04:06 What intimacy looks like after healing the relationship

05:35 The QUICKEST way to intimacy

07:49 Giving to give vs. GIVING TO GET

09:02 Should it be 50/50?

09:55 Did Jay ‘fake it’ at church?

13:08 Qualities of vulnerability

14:53 Now intimacy 'is just there'

17:50 The main thing: Presence

Leave a comment and let us know what touched you most.

Subscribe for more episodes on healing from porn addiction and betrayal trauma.

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#intimacyafterbetrayal

#emotionalintimacy

#rebuildingtrust

#vulnerabilityheals

#relationshiphealing

‘I thought intimacy was just sex—until I started recovering from porn addiction.’ In this video, Jay shares how ONE POWERFUL TOOL helped him heal our relationship, create real intimacy, and start feeling connected in a way he ‘didn’t think was possible’ when healing from his porn addiction. We also bring up a caution or two, providing guidance on how to implement this tool depending on where you are in your own healing journey.

Whether you're early in your journey or years into recovery, this tool might help you bridge the distance, reconnect with your spouse, and build a deeper relationship.

What we’ll cover:

• How porn addiction can affect intimacy

• How real intimacy is built during relationship healing

• THE TOOL that helped us shift everything

➤ Subscribe for more honest conversations around addiction, recovery, and emotional healing.

➤ Leave a comment: What has intimacy looked like for you in recovery?

00:00 Intro and Question

00:19 Jay’s Answer

00:30 Introducing the tool

04:21 The "F" in FANOS

04:38 The "A"

04:58 The "N"

05:48 The "O"

06:29 The "S"

07:53 Hint for addicts trying to rebuild trust

09:25 IMPORTANT: If it's early in the process of rebuilding trust

11:41 A Warning

13:03 A way to date early on (before Phase 3)

--

To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/

To Recover from Addiction - https://porniskillingme.com/contact-me/

To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

--

Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal

#relationships

#pornaddiction

#marriageadvice

#PornAddictionRecovery

#IntimacyAfterPorn

#RewiringTheBrain

#MenAndIntimacy

#SobrietyJourney