Commit One

Note: As Sam explains in the opening to this episode we ran into technical difficulties with the recording to the effect that the timing seems a bit off in places. We do apologize for this as we could not fix this in time and we may do a re-release later on down the line with it corrected, but we do hope it does not distract from your enjoyment of the episode.

Nothing says ”I love you” like a pickaxe to the head! Will, Mike, and Sam celebrate Valentine’s Day in their own....unique....way by looking at a holiday-themed horror movie that, while technically breaking the rules for the podcast ratings-wise, still has several flaws in the 2009 remake (cue Will’s grumble) My Bloody Valentine 3D. Starring Jensen Ackles of Supernatural fame as it was getting very popular (in fact co-star Jared Padalecki from the show was in his own horror film as well that same year), the film lives up to its title in spades with the typical slasher-movie villain, but also features some wooden acting, terrible and nonsensical plot development, and characters you really cannot root for. This is one Valentine’s Day gift that the Commit One crew just wishes could be returned to the store.

Not to be confused with the STARZ series (at least it didn’t rip off a classic tale). Will, Mike, and Sam kick off 2023 with a look back into the past....we guess....with the 2008 film Outlander. Starring Jim Caviezel as the titular outlander who is really a humanoid alien (don’t worry that doesn’t spoil anything as you know that in the first five minutes) who must adapt to Anglo-Saxon Viking culture to hunt a monster under the guidance of King Hrothgar (played by John Hurt) and must use his ”magical” ways to defeat these odds....wait a minute....this is a rip-off of Beowulf!!! Despite the protests of the English teacher of the group (Will), the Commit One crew is still destined to look at this film that just hits the massive battle cry of ”meh” by the end.

Wait....this seems awfully familiar....oh well. Will, Mike, and Sam wrap up Christmas Month and 2022 with your Hater’s Choice episode as they look at a 90s Christmas classic for many people, albeit pretty much being a copy-and-paste story with the 1992 film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Even with the cast from the original film returning, including Macaulay Culkin as Kevin, this film really just an excuse to use New York as a location while all other logic is thrown out the window (including the original film’s character development save for the villain Harry...yes the only one with any kind of development was the VILLAIN). We mean, really, HOW is Kevin able to even get out of the airport?? However, despite it’s flaws it is still a good movie to look back on (along with the near scene-stealing moments with the legendary Tim Curry) and the Commit One crew can’t think of a better way to end out the year.

Well...at least we got a classic internet meme out of this. Will, Mike, and Sam continue Christmas Month with a cult classic holiday horror film that is most known for ”Garbage Day!” and the MASSIVE overacting skills of the main character with the 1987 film Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. Starring Eric Freeman in his first lead role (wherein he receives conflicting direction from the director and the producer), the film follows up the original film by following the younger brother of the first film’s killer. However, don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first one because this film spends it’s first third recapping the entire original film. Even with it’s unintentional comedic aspects, the film proves to be a boring chore to watch with the majority of the film being flashbacks until the main character/villain finally moves the plot forward. This is one film that the Commit One crew wishes just stayed under wraps, but for the sake of the podcast it cannot remain silent anymore.

Oh JTT.....you left Home Improvement and upset Tim Allen for this?!?! Will, Mike, and Sam continue Christmas month with a film that they have been collectively avoiding for three years but knew that it had to be done eventually with the 1998 Disney film I’ll Be Home for Christmas. Starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas fresh off of his Home Improvement and The Lion King voiceover fame in a role that has really no redeeming qualities, this holiday film features a true Disney plot that makes no sense, sends a confusing message, has very little in the way of ANY development, and an ending that just wraps everything up very quickly to meet a 90-minute runtime. But hey, that’s Disney for you! Even though the main character is very punchable and they would rather have let this one just fall into obscurity, the Commit One crew is still ready to give this film the holiday bashing that it deserves.

Our eyes! OUR EYES! Will, Mike, and Sam kick off their third annual Christmas month with a film that was nominated for Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment with the 2006 holiday ”classic” Deck the Halls. Starring Matthew Broderick and Danny Devito as two neighbors that get into conflict over Christmas lights (and the holiday in general) with one being obsessed with Christmas traditions and one that just wants his house to be seen from space. Yes, that is pretty much the premise. With the film checking off a lot of the Christmas family comedy cliches and two guys that are really just boneheaded, it is no wonder that this film only garnered 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. Although it does have its moments, this is one film that the Commit One crew wants to just be a shining example of what not to do for family entertainment.

When will these college documentary students ever learn? Will, Mike, and Sam bridge the gap between Halloween and Christmas months with a found footage film that, although it is technically a bad film with a third act that goes SO off the rails, is actually a pretty decent film with the 2013 horror film Devil’s Pass. Featuring no actors of note (typical of a found footage film), the movie at first seems like a rip-off of The Blair Witch Project except in the snow and freezing terrain of Russia until it takes such a sharp left turn that even Will (who had not been able to finish the film before recording) can’t get his head around it to the point where you can actually hear his brain explode. Even with its flaws in acting and plot, it is still a path that the Commit One Crew feels is worth taking.

Hmmm....that didn’t age very well. Will, Mike, and Sam celebrate the 60th film anniversary of one of the most iconic spy characters in history in James Bond by looking at a bit of Bond trivia by the resident Bond nerd Will (who wanted to do this by himself but was not allowed), and then looking at the final film with Sir Roger Moore as 007 in the 1985 film A View to a Kill. Featuring Christopher Walken as the Bond villain Max Zorin, Grace Jones as Zorin’s henchwoman May Day, and Tanya Roberts as the official Bond girl Stacey Sutton, this film not only ticks off many of the boxes that make up a Bond film but is also dragged down because of it with a rather boring plot that goes in another direction (seriously, starting with microchips but then all of the attention on horses?), has very uncomfortable moments with Bond trying to be ”smooth” that would not fly today, and a villain that really is very dumb in hindsight. While this film can be nostalgic for Bond fans, it really lives up to its Rotten status as a low point in the series, something that the Commit One crew is all too happy to shake up as well as stir.

Suddenly....BEN KINGSLEY!! Will, Mike, and Sam mercifully bring their second Trilogy of Torture (and third Halloween month) to a close with the 2005 film BloodRayne. Marking Uwe Boll’s third attempt at adapting a video game movie, the film strips back the stylized action and rock music of the last two entries in favor of slow, poorly choreographed fight sequences, a boring plot, actors that are mostly just phoning it in throughout the entire 95-minute runtime, and even a scene that is really not necessary AT ALL. But hey, at least there is a lot of blood! Even with names like Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Ben Kingsley, and Kristanna Loken in the title role, this was a film that just puts people to sleep despite a decent premise. At least it got two sequels which are....better? While the Commit One crew may not have the answers for the sequels, they do have a lot to break down with this very Uwe Boll-film.

Note: We had some audio issues during the recording of this episode which we suspect is a result of improper microphone storage during our long hiatus as Sam explains at the beginning of this episode. While she did try to fix things as best as she could we do apologize for the quality of this episode and will be working to fix this in future episodes.

How does Uwe Boll keep getting work?! Will, Mike, and Sam continue their second Trilogy of Torture (and continue Halloween month) with Uwe Boll’s second ill-fated attempt at adapting a video game with Alone in the Dark from 2005. Starring Christian Slater as protagonist Edward Carnby and Tara Reid as his archeologist/museum curator girlfriend Aline Cedrac (yeah, we couldn’t understand that casting either), the film basically takes a nonsensical plot, does almost NOTHING with it, and tries to pass off as an enjoyable film. In fact, so little happens in this film that Will seems to have set a personal record for talking about an entire movie! With a 1% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and an initial script that seemed miles better than what was shoveled out on screen, this is one movie that the Commit One crew wishes just stayed in the dark.