Virginia Satir, a founder of family systems therapy, determined that most families have five styles of communication. 1) Some members are placaters. They go along to get along, and reduce stress by saying what others want to hear that makes them less upset. 2) Others are blamers: finger-pointers, nit-pickers, spinners of exquisite theories, eager to prove that they’re right and you’re wrong. And by accepting the blame, you vindicate and empower them. 3) Satir describes other family members as super-reasonable. Their motto is, ‘Always agree with what other people say and conceal your real feelings.’ It’s how they prevent getting hurt. They talk from their head and not their heart, redirecting the conversation towards things that are ‘safe’. 4) Other family members opt for irrelevance, deflecting the conversation away from uncomfortable and potentially threatening topics. They talk only about what’s unrelated to whatever is going on. 5) The final communication style is congruous or consistent. Congruous people tell it like it is. No disguising feelings, no double-talk, and no pretending. If they’re angry, they own their anger, they say they’re angry, and they may even look angry. They’re straight shooters. They have credibility; you can understand and believe them. No topics have to be dodged, and no questions avoided. Anything and everything can be discussed, and everyone’s opinion is respected. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, ‘Nothing astonishes men [and women] so much as common sense and plain dealing.’ And it’s a scriptural, truth-based communication style that works.

© 2024. Written by Bob and Debby Gass. Used by permission under licence from UCB International.