Complicated Kids

The best college preparation may not look like college preparation at all.

By the time a student gets to college, we expect them to manage syllabi, deadlines, different professors, long-term assignments, and a schedule with far less adult oversight. But the executive function skills needed to do all of that do not suddenly appear when the dorm-room key lands in their hand.

In this episode, I talk with Marcia Miller, an executive function coach who spent 14 years working with high school students, about how families can help kids build those skills long before college.

Marcia describes executive function as the old-fashioned secretary in the brain. It helps us initiate tasks, organize information, plan ahead, remember what is expected, and follow through. For some kids, that secretary is organized, color-coded, and running a tight ship. For others, she is very quiet, somewhat overwhelmed, or apparently away from her desk.

When those internal systems are still developing, students need external strategies. Calendars, reminders, routines, written directions, and repeated practice are not shortcuts. They are tools that help a student manage the work until more of the process becomes familiar and automatic.

We also talk about reliability, which Marcia calls one of the least exciting and most essential skills. College professors, employers, friends, and family members all need people to communicate, meet deadlines, follow through, and say something when they are confused or stuck.

The first step is often figuring out where the hiccup is.

A student may understand the material but forget the deadline. They may know how to solve the problem but become completely derailed when asked to slow down and show each step. They may want to begin the project but have no idea how to turn one enormous assignment into several manageable actions.

This is why conversations about how brains work matter. Kids need language for what comes easily, what requires more effort, and what happens inside their brains when a task falls apart. That kind of self-understanding helps make invisible processes visible.

Marcia and I also talk about the shame that can build when a smart student repeatedly struggles to do what school asks. When kids hear only about the missing work, forgotten folder, or disappointing grade, they may begin to believe they are simply bad at school.

The alternative is not ignoring the struggle. It is helping the child identify their strengths, understand their challenges, and develop strategies without treating every difficulty as a character flaw.

Parents can begin by rewarding communication and collaboration. When your child remembers to tell you about the poster project before 3:00 in the morning, that is progress. They have brought the information to the team, and now the team can work on planning, organization, and follow-through.

Preparing a child for college is not only about grades or whether they can complete an application. It is about helping them understand how they learn, ask for support, recover from mistakes, work with other people, and build systems that allow them to be more reliable and independent.

🎯 Key Takeaways

• College readiness begins long before college, but it does not need to be framed that way for kids.
• Executive function includes skills like initiation, planning, organization, working memory, follow-through, and managing deadlines.
• For many kids with ADHD or executive function challenges, directions can disappear quickly even when the child wants to do the task correctly.
• External strategies are important while executive function skills are still developing.
• Reliability may not sound exciting, but it is a major life skill for school, work, relationships, and independence.
• When something goes sideways, adults can help by asking where the hiccup is instead of assuming the child does not care.
• Smart kids can still struggle deeply with showing work, breaking down steps, remembering directions, or managing deadlines.
• Repeated conversations about how a child's brain works help build metacognition and self-understanding.
• Shame can grow when kids are repeatedly reminded of what they are not doing well.
• Parents can support future independence by noticing strengths, rewarding collaboration, practicing strategies, and helping kids understand that their brains may work differently and still be good brains.

About Marcia Miller

Marcia Miller is an executive function coach based in Washington, DC, who works with teens, young adults, and families throughout the DMV area.

After a 14-year career at a private high school, Marcia developed extensive experience supporting both neurotypical and neurodiverse teens, especially students with ADHD. Before working in education, she built a diverse career across corporate settings, law firms, volunteer work, and parenting her own daughter with ADHD.

Marcia brings humor, warmth, and a shame-reducing approach to her work. She helps young people embrace who they are, identify their strengths, understand their challenges, and build practical strategies for success. She also enjoys partnering with parents and believes that perspective is essential to effectively coaching teens and young adults.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

• 🌎 Website: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com
• 📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session
• 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured
• 👾 Grab Tell the Story (Anti-Anxiety Tool for Kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story
• 📝 Read the latest blog posts: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/blog
• 🎤 Explore upcoming live workshops: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/live-workshops
• 🎥 Explore on-demand workshops: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/workshop-replays
• ➡️ Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet
• ➡️ Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
• ➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/
• 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here. 💛

Not speaking is not the same thing as not having something to say.

In this episode, I'm joined by Elizabeth Vosseller, founder of Spelling to Communicate and Executive Director of I-ASC, the International Association for Spelling as Communication.

And we are talking about communication.

Not the easy kind.

Not the "say what you mean with your mouth and everyone understands what is happening" kind.

We are talking about what happens when a person has thoughts, language, ideas, preferences, humor, opinions, and vocabulary, but cannot reliably use speech to share them.

Elizabeth explains that Spelling to Communicate (S2C) is a method of teaching communication to nonspeaking people. And nonspeaking is the word we want here, not nonverbal.

Because nonverbal means without words.

And the people Elizabeth works with are not without words.

They may have no speech, very few spoken words, or lots of speech that is not reliable or communicative. They may script, loop, say the opposite of what they mean, or struggle to get their bodies to do what their brains are asking them to do.

Which brings us to one of the biggest themes in this conversation: communication is motor.

Speech is motor. Typing is motor. Pointing is motor. Signing is motor. Getting an idea out of your brain and into the world requires the body to participate.

And for some kids and adults, that is where things get complicated.

Elizabeth walks us through praxis, which is the process of having an idea, making a plan, executing the plan, and adapting when something does not go the way it was supposed to go. For people with apraxia or dyspraxia, the idea may be there. The plan may be there. But the message between the brain and the body may not move smoothly.

And if we do not understand that, we can make some very big mistakes.

We can look at a child who is not following a direction and assume they are being noncompliant.

We can look at a child who is hitting, grabbing, bolting, or making sounds and assume the behavior is intentional in a way it may not be.

We can look at a nonspeaking child and assume there are no words inside.

That is a dangerous assumption.

Elizabeth and I also talk about rich language environments, spelling, reading, communication regulation partners, and why support does not automatically mean influence when the support is trained, careful, and ethical.

This conversation is especially close to my speech therapist heart because it asks us to slow down and separate language from speech, communication from behavior, and intention from motor access.

Which is not always easy.

But it matters.

Because when we assume a child has nothing to say, we may stop offering them enough to think about.

When we assume a behavior tells the whole story, we may miss what the body is struggling to do.

And when we assume speech is the only real path to communication, we may miss the person who has been there the whole time.

Key Takeaways

• Nonspeaking is different from nonverbal. Nonspeaking means a person cannot use speech reliably and effectively.
• Nonverbal means without words, which can wrongly suggest a person does not have language, thoughts, or vocabulary.
• Spelling to Communicate (S2C) teaches nonspeaking people to use pointing to letters as a motor-based way to communicate.
• Communication depends on the body. Speech, typing, pointing, signing, and texting all require motor planning and motor execution.
• Praxis involves having an idea, making a plan, executing the plan, and adapting when something does not work.
• Apraxia and dyspraxia can create a breakdown between what a person intends to do and what their body is able to do on demand.
• A purely behavioral lens can lead adults to misunderstand kids whose bodies are not reliably following their intentions.
• Rich language and literacy exposure matter, even when a child is not speaking.
• Communication regulation partners provide motor coaching, sensory feedback, and regulation support when they are properly trained.
• Assuming competence means being careful about what we say, what we offer, and what we believe may be possible.

About Elizabeth Vosseller

Elizabeth Vosseller is the founder of Spelling to Communicate and Executive Director of I-ASC. Since 1995, she has worked clinically with individuals with complex communication and sensory-motor differences across hospital, university, and private settings. Her work focuses on motor-based access to communication, advancing education, training, and research for nonspeaking individuals.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

• Website: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com
• Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured
• Tell the Story (Anti-Anxiety Tool for Kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story
• Blog: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/blog
• Live Workshops: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/live-workshops
• On-Demand Workshops: https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/workshop-replays
• Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet
• Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/
• Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here. 💛

The behavior may be where the struggle shows up, but it may not be where the struggle begins.

When a child is melting down, struggling to focus, or having difficulty learning to read, we tend to focus on the problem directly in front of us. But there may be foundational pieces underneath that struggle that we have not considered.

In this episode, I talk with Emily Roper, a Neuro-Developmental Delay Therapist and certified Midwives Assistant, about the connections between early brain and body development and later skills like emotional regulation, attention, executive functioning, and learning.

Emily's work looks at attachment, the stress response, primitive reflexes, sensory processing, vision, balance, coordination, and movement. These early systems help create the foundation for the more advanced skills children are expected to use as they grow.

We spend time talking about the Moro reflex, the sensitive startle response babies are born with. As the brain develops, that reflex should mature into a more flexible stress response. When it remains active, Emily explains that a child may startle easily, react strongly, take longer to settle, or struggle to filter sensory information.

That can also affect attention. A child whose nervous system is reacting to everything in the environment may have difficulty focusing on the one voice, worksheet, or instruction we want them to notice.

This does not mean every child with attention, sensory, or regulation challenges has a retained Moro reflex. It does mean that reflexes and the stress response may be worth considering as part of the larger picture.

Emily and I also talk about behavior as communication. She describes behavior as the tip of the iceberg because it is the part everyone can see, while so much may be happening underneath. Most kids are not melting down because they enjoy it. They are struggling, and focusing only on stopping the behavior may miss what their brain and body need.

Movement is another important part of the conversation. When babies reach, roll, look around, and crawl, their brains and bodies are learning how to work together. Crawling involves coordinating both sides of the body, crossing the midline, using the eyes at different distances, and moving intentionally through the environment.

These early experiences may later support visual tracking, spatial awareness, coordination, reading, and writing. Emily explains that a child who appears to have a reading problem may also be struggling with visual motor skills, vestibular function, tracking, or spatial orientation.

For parents wondering whether these foundations can still be strengthened in an older child, Emily's answer is yes. The brain remains adaptable, and she sees children and teenagers make meaningful changes.

This is not about finding one explanation for every child or blaming parents for circumstances outside their control. It is about looking beneath behavior, attention, and learning challenges to better understand what support a child may need.

Key Takeaways

• Behavior is often the visible evidence of something happening underneath.
• The brain develops from basic, foundational skills toward more advanced skills.
• Primitive reflexes support survival and early development, but they are expected to mature as the brain develops.
• A retained Moro reflex may contribute to heightened reactivity, hypervigilance, and difficulty filtering sensory information.
• Attention is harder to access when a child's nervous system is operating in a heightened state of stress.
• Early movement helps the brain and body learn how to work together.
• Crawling supports bilateral coordination, visual development, midline crossing, and movement through space.
• Reading challenges may involve visual motor skills, vestibular function, tracking, or spatial orientation.
• Parent-child connection can be an important part of safety, regulation, and developmental work.
• Older children and teenagers can still strengthen foundational developmental skills.

About Emily Roper

Emily Roper is a Neuro-Developmental Delay Therapist, certified Midwives Assistant, and the owner of Early Roots, a specialized therapy practice for children with developmental delays. With a background in psychology, midwifery, and neuro-developmental delay, she has spent more than a decade supporting children with ADHD, autism, anxiety, dyslexia, sensory challenges, and other developmental differences. She has also attended more than 600 births and supported hundreds of families during the postpartum period.

Emily is passionate about bridging the gap between the birth world and psychology. She teaches parents and professionals about how pregnancy, birth, and the newborn period can shape long-term neurological development. She has trained midwives, taught post-graduate students, spoken at conferences, and hosts The Early Roots Podcast, where she makes complex developmental topics practical and accessible.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 Website: www.gabrielenicolet.com

📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session

📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured

👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story

➡️ Instagram: http://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet

➡️ Facebook: http://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet

➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/

🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here. 💛

Some kids are not unfocused. They just have not found the thing that gives their focus somewhere to go.

In this episode, I'm joined by Scott Proposki, a photographer, author, business coach, and founder of the Camera Focus Method™.

Scott is a former National Geographic and White House photographer, which is the kind of sentence that makes you immediately want to know more.

But what I was most interested in for this conversation was not just what Scott has done.

It was how his brain got him there.

Scott talks about growing up as the kid who did not do homework, who needed the deadline, who was thrilled with a C minus, and who later received an ADHD diagnosis that helped a lot of his life make more sense.

And then he found the camera.

For Scott, the camera became the thing that helped his attention organize itself. It gave him a focus, a direction, a way to see the world and make that seeing useful.

Which is where I think this conversation becomes really relevant for parents of complicated kids.

Because so many of our kids have uneven profiles. They may struggle deeply in one environment and come alive in another. They may look distracted, disorganized, or unmotivated until the right project, tool, topic, person, deadline, or vision snaps something into place.

And then suddenly, there they are.

Scott and I talk about creativity, ADHD, hyperfocus, business, reinvention, and what happens when the thing that made you different as a kid becomes part of the way you build a life.

We also talk about the adults around kids. The ones who notice the spark. The ones who help kids imagine what could be possible. The ones who do not only say, "Do your homework," but also help paint a picture of where a child's gifts might take them.

This is not a conversation about ignoring the hard parts.

Kids still need support. They need skills. They need structure. They need adults who can help them function in a world that will not always organize itself around their preferred interests.

But they also need adults who remember that school performance is not the whole child.

Sometimes the thing that does not look impressive on a report card is the thing that later becomes a career, a calling, a business, or a life.

And sometimes our job is to widen the lens long enough to help them find it.

Key Takeaways

• A child who struggles in school may still have strong focus, creativity, drive, and vision in another setting.
• ADHD-style attention is not always a lack of attention. Sometimes it is attention that organizes around interest, urgency, purpose, or possibility.
• Hyperfocus can be a strength when it is paired with the right tool, project, or direction.
• For Scott, the camera became the thing that helped his focus, creativity, and sense of purpose come together.
• Some kids need help finding the medium, environment, or "magic wand" that allows their strengths to show up.
• A later-in-life ADHD diagnosis can help adults make sense of patterns they have lived with for years.
• School performance matters, but it is not the whole story of who a child is or what they may become.
• Creative and neurodivergent kids may need structure, deadlines, and support that match how their brains actually work.
• Parents can help by noticing sparks, naming strengths, and painting a picture of what could be possible.
• A complicated path can still become a meaningful, successful, and deeply creative life.

About Scott Proposki

Scott Proposki is a photographer, author, business coach, and founder of the Camera Focus Method™. A former National Geographic and White House photographer, he has spent 27 years documenting stories for global brands and high-profile clients.

He is the author of four books, including Camera Focus. Scott is dedicated to helping creative entrepreneurs build resilient, sustainable businesses rooted in clarity and purpose.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com

📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session

📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured

👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story

➡️ Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet

➡️ Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet

➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/

🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I'd love to hear what would support your family.

Thank you for being here.

You can understand why your child is struggling and still be completely triggered by it.

In this episode, I'm joined by Jacqi Trombley, a licensed clinical social worker, trauma specialist, and Level 2 trained IFS therapist, for a conversation about Internal Family Systems.

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy model that helps us understand the different parts inside us. Not in a "there is something wrong with you" way. More in a "of course you have more than one reaction happening at the same time" way.

There may be a part of you that understands why your child is struggling.

There may also be a part of you that is scared, embarrassed, angry, overwhelmed, or thinking, "Absolutely not. This cannot be what we are doing right now."

That is where this conversation gets so useful for parents.

Jacqi walks us through some of the parts language in IFS, including managers, exiles, and firefighters. We talk about why the goal is not to get rid of the anxious part, the angry part, the critical part, or the part that wants everyone to stop making noise immediately.

The goal is to understand what those parts are trying to protect.

Because so many parents can understand, intellectually, why their child is having a hard time and still feel completely activated by what is happening. We can know our child is neurodivergent, anxious, sensory overloaded, exhausted, or developmentally not where other kids are, and still have something inside us light up.

That does not mean we are failing.

It means something in us may need attention too.

Jacqui and I talk about what happens when a child's dysregulation activates a parent's dysregulation. A child comes home tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or upset, and instead of saying, "I had a hard day and I need help," they poke their sibling, throw something, get loud, refuse the thing, or push every available button.

And then, of course, something in us responds.

IFS gives us another way to understand that moment. It helps us notice what might be happening inside the child and inside ourselves before everything becomes one big reaction. It gives us language for the part that wants to yell, the part that wants to disappear, the part that wants to fix everything, and the part that is quietly scared underneath it all.

We also talk about trauma, inner child work, neurodivergence, and the power of witnessing the parts of ourselves that did not get what they needed at the time.

And yes, IFS can sound a little hokey from the outside.

Also, it can be deeply moving.

This conversation is not about becoming a perfectly calm parent who never gets triggered. Please. We live here on Earth.

It is about having another way to understand what is happening when your child's struggle touches something tender, scared, angry, or overwhelmed inside you.

And sometimes that little bit of space is where things can begin to change.

Key Takeaways

• Internal Family Systems, or IFS, is a therapy model that helps us understand the different parts inside us.
• Parts are not treated as bad in IFS. They are usually trying to protect something.
• A parent can understand why their child is struggling and still feel completely triggered by what is happening.
• Managers are the parts that try to keep things under control, prevent pain, and help us avoid rejection, shame, or failure.
• Exiles are often younger parts carrying pain, fear, shame, grief, or unmet needs.
• Firefighters are reactive parts that jump in quickly when something feels too overwhelming to tolerate.
• Trying to banish a part usually does not work because that part believes it has an important job.
• A child's dysregulation can quickly activate a parent's protective parts too.
• Neurodivergent kids may have repeated experiences of being misunderstood, misread, corrected, or left without help processing what happened.
• Parts work can help parents create enough space to notice what is happening inside themselves before responding from the most activated place.

About Jacqi Trombley

Jacqi Trombley is a licensed clinical social worker with more than 15 years of experience. She was trained as a trauma specialist by the Ferentz Institute in Baltimore and is a Level 2 trained IFS therapist. Her clinical background includes trauma, grief, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, neurodiversity-affirming psychotherapy, and work across multiple settings including treatment foster care, homeless shelters, outpatient mental health clinics, and private practice.

Jacqi has also administered psychosocial assessments for the Office of the Public Defender, led wellness groups for human service providers, hosted mental health seminars for private companies, and taught at the University of Maryland School of Social Work on oppression, privilege, cultural humility, and anti-oppression practice.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links:

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com

📅 Schedule a free intro call: https://calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session

📺 Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@complicatedkids/featured

👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): https://www.gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story

➡️ Instagram: https://instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet

➡️ Facebook: https://facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet

➡️ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet/

🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: https://www.raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up/

Enjoying the show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here.

Screens are not going anywhere, which means our kids need more than rules. They need guidance.

I'll be honest. This is one of those topics where people tend to have feelings.

Big ones.

And fair enough. Screens can be a mess. They can also be useful, regulating, connecting, necessary, and sometimes genuinely helpful, especially for neurodivergent kids.

So I was glad to have this conversation with Leslie Tyler from Pinwheel because we got to stay in the nuance.

Leslie is Head of Parent Education at Pinwheel, a company that makes devices designed for kids and managed by parents. We name that right away in the episode because yes, Pinwheel sells devices. And also, this conversation is not really about one product.

It is about the questions parents need to ask before a device shows up in the house.

What is this device for? Is it about safety? Transportation? After-school coordination? Social connection? Learning support? Independence?

Because those are not all the same thing, and they do not require the same plan.

We also talk about why there is no magic age when a child is suddenly "ready" for a phone.

That answer is probably less satisfying than any of us would like.

It would be very convenient if someone could just tell us the exact right age and then we could all feel like excellent parents. But that is not how this works.

Instead, Leslie encourages parents to think about the child in front of them, the purpose of the device, and the kind of support that child will need to use technology well.

We talk about phones, watches, apps, games, image texting, parental controls, bedtime charging stations, school phone rules, notifications, and why starting small is usually easier than trying to walk things back later.

One of the biggest themes in this episode is that parental controls are useful, but they are not the whole strategy. Kids need guardrails, yes. They also need conversation, modeling, practice, and adults who are willing to stay involved without pretending they can control everything.

Because technology is here.

Our kids are going to use it.

So the work is not just keeping screens away forever. The work is helping kids build judgment, awareness, and a healthier relationship with the devices that are already part of the world they live in.

Key Takeaways

• Screens are not automatically good or bad. The question is how, when, why, and for whom they are being used.
• There is no one right age when every child is suddenly ready for a phone.
• The better starting question is what your child actually needs the device to do.
• Wanting a phone because friends have one is different from needing a device for safety, transportation, communication, or independence.
• Starting with limited access is usually easier than trying to take access away later.
• Watches, phones, and tablets all come with different benefits, limitations, and risks.
• The device should fit the child's needs, not just the family's convenience or the social pressure around them.
• Apps, games, image texting, notifications, and bedroom access all deserve real thought before the device arrives.
• Parental controls are helpful tools, but they are not a complete parenting strategy.
• The long-term goal is to help kids build judgment, awareness, and the ability to stay in the driver's seat of their technology.

About Leslie Tyler

Leslie Tyler is Head of Parent Education at Pinwheel, a company that creates devices designed for kids and managed by parents. Through her work, Leslie helps families think more intentionally about children, technology, independence, and digital safety. She supports parents in introducing devices gradually, having ongoing conversations, and helping kids use technology in ways that are constructive, age-appropriate, and connected to real-life responsibility.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: Instagram ➡️ Facebook: Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn 🌺 Free Orchid Kid Checklist: Download Here

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here.

Brain mapping is not about making a complicated brain average. It is about understanding what the brain is doing.

In this episode, I'm joined by Dr. Andrew Hill, a cognitive neuroscientist, brain mapping expert, founder of Peak Brain Institute, and author of Gifted & Tortured.

And yes, we go right into the brain.

Andrew talks about brain mapping, quantitative EEG, neurofeedback, and how certain patterns of brain activity can help us think differently about what we see on the outside: attention, anxiety, sleep, sensory processing, executive function, threat sensitivity, intensity, hyperfocus, and dysregulation.

You know. The usual light parenting topics.

One of the things I wanted to say out loud in this conversation is that behavior has an internal neurological reality. When a child is distracted, avoidant, anxious, explosive, intense, stuck, shut down, or unable to shift gears, there may be something happening underneath that behavior that deserves our attention.

Not because behavior does not matter.

Because behavior is not the whole explanation.

Andrew explains that brain mapping is not the same thing as a diagnosis. It does not hand you a perfect label or a neat little answer wrapped in a bow. Instead, it can show patterns of activity and help people understand how certain brain resources may be working.

That can be powerful.

Because when a child or adult can see, "Oh, this is how my brain works," the conversation can shift. It is no longer only, "What is wrong with me?" It becomes, "What does my brain need?"

We also talk about the title of Andrew's book, Gifted & Tortured, and why that phrase makes so much sense for complicated kids. The same brain resources that create struggle in one setting can be connected to real strengths somewhere else. The kid who cannot sit still in history class may be the kid who can hyperfocus, move fast, think creatively, notice patterns, or perform beautifully in a high-intensity context.

That does not make the hard parts less hard.

It does mean we should be careful about treating the brain like it is only a problem.

Andrew also walks us into neurofeedback, which he describes as a way of helping the brain practice regulation. Not magic. Not a personality transplant. Not a plan to erase everything interesting about a person. More like giving the brain feedback so it can build more flexibility and range.

And yes, there is a cat-on-a-windowsill metaphor that somehow explains sensory motor rhythm and ADHD.

I loved this conversation because it gives us another way to think about complicated kids. Not as diagnoses to flatten. Not as behaviors to manage from the outside only. Not as children who need to be made average.

But as people with brains that are doing something.

And if we can understand even a little more about what that something is, we have a better chance of helping.

Key Takeaways

• Brain mapping can show patterns of brain activity, but it is not the same thing as a diagnosis.
• Behavior may be the visible part of a deeper regulation pattern.
• ADHD, anxiety, sleep struggles, sensory processing, and executive function can all be understood through a brain-based lens.
• What looks like avoidance, distraction, intensity, or dysregulation is not always a choice or a character issue.
• A child's challenges and strengths may come from the same brain resources.
• The goal is not to make a complicated brain average.
• Understanding how the brain works can reduce shame and give kids and adults more agency.
• Some regulatory systems, including sleep, stress response, attention, and sensory processing, may be more flexible than we assume.
• Neurofeedback is about helping the brain practice regulation, not changing who a person is.
• When we understand more about what is happening underneath behavior, we can respond with more curiosity, more precision, and less panic.

About Andrew Hill

Dr. Andrew Hill is a UCLA-trained neuroscientist and author of Gifted & Tortured, a book exploring the strengths and struggles of high-performing, neurodivergent minds. With more than 25 years of experience in neurofeedback and brain mapping, he helps people understand and regulate their unique cognitive wiring. He is the founder of Peak Brain Institute and works with people to better understand their brains through quantitative EEG, neurofeedback, and biofeedback.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: Instagram ➡️ Facebook: Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here

Enjoying the show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here. 💛

You do not have to be afraid of big emotions, but you do need a way to meet them.

In this episode, I talk with Elizabeth Sautter about what actually helps in those moments when a child's feelings get big. Elizabeth walks us through her ABCs of big emotions framework: first assess and get curious, then balance the brain, and then move toward connection and collaboration.

We talk about why behavior is data, why the first move is not fixing or teaching, and why the adult's ability to pause matters so much. She also reminds us that self-care is not selfish, it is essential, because we cannot lend regulation to a child when our own system is already flooded.

We also get into what this looks like in real life. Elizabeth explains why telling a dysregulated child to take a deep breath often backfires, why "listen and validate" has to come before problem-solving, and why connection in the moment is different from collaboration later. There is such a helpful reframe here around emotions taking the time they take. The goal is not to rush them out of the body. The goal is to help a child feel safe enough to move through them and then build more skills outside the crisis moment.

Key Takeaways

• Big emotions are data. They are not something to fear or immediately shut down. They are a stress response and a form of communication.
• The first step is assessment, not control. Elizabeth's "A" is about assessing the moment, pausing, and getting curious about what is really happening underneath the behavior.
• Self-care is part of co-regulation. If the adult nervous system is already overwhelmed, it is much harder to respond with steadiness.
• Balance the brain before you try to teach. The "B" is about helping the adult and child nervous systems settle enough that thinking becomes possible again.
• One breath for me, one breath for you. Elizabeth offers this as a simple way for adults to ground themselves and orient toward supporting the child without demanding the child self-regulate first.
• Do not ask a dysregulated child to perform calm. If a child is already flooded, telling them to breathe or answer questions may just add more pressure.
• Connection comes before collaboration. In the moment, the work is to listen and validate. The learning, problem-solving, and collaboration happen later, when the child is back in a learning state.
• Validation does not require fixing. Sometimes what helps most is being present, using a slow and low voice, and letting the child know their feelings are not too much for the relationship.
• Emotions are not supposed to move on our timetable. Kids are born with all the feelings and not all the skills, so part of the work is tolerating that emotions take time.
• Skill building mostly happens outside the crisis. The longer-term work is proactive sensory support, movement, regulation tools, and practicing what to do before the next hard moment arrives.

About Elizabeth Sautter

Elizabeth Sautter, MA, CCC-SLP, is a speech-language pathologist, author, trainer, and social-emotional learning coach with more than 25 years of experience supporting neurodivergent individuals and their families.

She is the author of Make Social and Emotional Learning Stick, co-founder of The Connected Family Community, and a collaborator with The Zones of Regulation® and Everyday Regulation.

As a neurodivergent adult and parent of two neurodivergent boys, Elizabeth combines professional expertise with lived experience to offer practical, neurodiversity-affirming strategies that support emotional regulation, executive functioning, and communication through everyday routines.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here 💛

If a child is struggling to learn to read, waiting rarely makes that easier.

In this episode, I talk with Faye Bankler Casell about what parents need to know when early reading is not coming together the way it should. Faye explains why reading instruction in schools can feel like a lottery system, why so many children are still being missed until third or fourth grade, and why first grade is such an important window for intervention. We talk about the science of reading, early identification, and the very real difference between a child who is guessing well and a child who is actually decoding.

We also get into what parents can actually do. Faye walks through the foundational sound-level skills that matter most, what to watch for in preschool and kindergarten, and why waiting for a child to fail before acting can come at such a high cost academically and emotionally. One of the things I really love about this conversation is how practical and hopeful it is. Parents do not need to become reading specialists overnight, but they can learn what to look for, what questions to ask, and how to start supporting a child sooner rather than later.

Key Takeaways

• Early intervention matters enormously. If a child is not learning to read easily, first grade is a powerful time to intervene. Waiting until fourth grade makes intervention longer and much harder.
• A child can show risk signs before they are formally reading. Faye explains that dyslexia risk can often be identified by around age five and a half because the issue is rooted in language processing, not just school reading performance.
• Reading struggles often start at the sound level. Parents want to look closely at phonological awareness, letter-sound connections, rhyming, sound deletion, and sound substitution.
• Some bright kids compensate for a long time. A child may memorize words, guess from pictures, or use the first letter as a clue, which can make it look like reading is fine until the demands get heavier.
• Third grade is often when the mask slips. That is when memorization stops being enough and multisyllabic academic language starts to expose the underlying gaps.
• Structured literacy helps all kids and is essential for some. Faye frames this approach as beneficial for everyone and absolutely necessary for children whose brains are not going to intuit reading patterns on their own.
• Speech and language history matters. If a child has had speech delays or ongoing language-processing concerns, that is a reason to stay especially alert around reading development.
• Parents do not have to wait passively. Even while seeking testing, services, or better school support, there are meaningful ways families can start helping at home.
• Correct answers do not always mean mastery. A child can get a word or pattern right through guessing or partial knowledge, which is why adult observation still matters so much.
• This is not about a broken child. It is about teaching in a way that matches how the child learns. The burden belongs with the adults and the system, not with the child.

About Faye Bankler Casell

Faye Bankler Casell received her MA in Early Childhood Education and Special Education from Teachers College Columbia. After teaching in public and private programs across the US, she redesigned an early childhood inclusion program that received recognition from the US Department of Education, NPR, and a national organization.

Inspired by the need to launch the reading of her twice exceptional child, Faye became a Certified Academic Language Therapist and Dyslexia Therapist. She now supports parents in the early reading development of their dyslexic children through Home Reading Coach, her social platforms, and her YouTube channel, "Teach My Child to Read." She also works privately with clients and is launching a parent-led, therapist-coached dyslexia program for families supporting reading at home.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube 👾 Grab Tell the Story: Tell the Story ➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: LinkedIn Profile 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download Here

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here 💛

When a teen is in crisis, the behavior is not the whole message.

In this conversation, I talk with Katie May about what she calls "fire feelers," kids and teens who are biologically sensitive, highly reactive, and slow to return to baseline once emotions get big. Katie explains how these kids often grow up hearing some version of "you're fine" when they are very much not fine, and how that repeated mismatch can teach them to distrust their own internal experience. We talk about why self-destructive behavior is often an attempt to make overwhelming emotion stop, and why behavior has to be understood as communication before it can really change.

We also get into one of the most important parts of the episode for me: what happens to parents when things escalate. Katie talks about the shame and blame cycle, the grief that sits underneath so much of that, and why parents need their own support if they are going to stay steady in the middle of a crisis. We unpack the revolving door of hospitalization, what keeps families stuck there, and why healing is not about making all the stress disappear. It is about learning how to live inside a life that is hard and still build something meaningful, connected, and hopeful.

Key Takeaways

• Some kids are biologically more sensitive. They feel emotions intensely, react quickly, and take longer to calm back down. Katie calls these kids "fire feelers."
• Repeated dismissal teaches kids to doubt themselves. When a child keeps hearing "you're fine" while feeling overwhelmed, they may start to believe their own internal signals are wrong.
• Self-destructive behavior is often a solution, not just a problem. It may be an impulsive attempt to make unbearable emotion go away fast.
• Behavior is communication. If the outside looks chaotic, there is usually something painful and dysregulated happening on the inside.
• Validation is not approval. It is a way of saying, "I see how hard this is for you," without reinforcing harmful behavior.
• Parents do not need a perfect script. Sometimes the right response is words, and sometimes it is simply staying present without minimizing what the teen is feeling.
• Beneath blame and shame, there is often grief. Parents are grieving the gap between the life they imagined and the life they are actually living.
• You cannot just remove a coping strategy without building something else. If a behavior is serving a survival function, there has to be a different way for that person to get through the day.
• The hospitalization cycle can become its own trap. Parents and clinicians feel temporary relief, but the teen often comes back to the same triggers without enough targeted support.
• Parents need real support too. This is heavy, isolating work, and families need spaces where they can talk honestly without being judged or panicked at.

About Katie May

Katie K. May is a licensed therapist, author, speaker, and group practice owner. She founded Creative Healing, a multi-location teen support center in the Philadelphia area, and wrote the #1 Amazon best-seller You're On Fire, It's Fine. With lived experience as a teen who turned to self-harm, Katie is one of only 11 Linehan Board Certified DBT Clinicians in Pennsylvania, the gold standard treatment for self-harm and suicidal behaviors. She equips parents and clinicians with practical, trauma-informed tools to decode behavior as survival and create lasting change.

About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet

I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home.

Complicated Kids Resources and Links

🌎 Website: www.gabrielenicolet.com

📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book Here

📺 Subscribe on YouTube: Complicated Kids YouTube Channel

👾 Grab Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): Tell the Story

➡️ Instagram: @gabriele_nicolet

➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet

➡️ LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet

🌺 Free Orchid Kid Checklist: Download Here

Enjoying the Show?

If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show, and it means a lot.

If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family.

Thank you for being here. 💛