Connection Therapy

In this episode, Dr. Brenda Murrow welcomes Dr. Rachaël Draaisma for a truly fascinating conversation about the subtle, yet powerful, language of calming signals—what many in the clinical and animal behavior world might also recognize as appeasement behaviors.

Rachaël shares how her work with horses opened a path to understanding the nervous system in a whole new way. What began as an interest in horse behavior quickly evolved into a deep study of nonverbal communication, and even scent tracking, which she has found enhances the mental stimulation of horses.

Part 1 of their conversation centers around how mammals—including us—use calming signals to navigate social climates. These signals often operate beneath our awareness, yet play a major role in shaping connection and communication. They don’t require conscious thought or effort. That’s what makes them so vital—because they help us respond to one another in ways that are deeply wired into our nervous systems.

Rachaël talks about what she’s learned from years of observing horses, highlighting how grace, curiosity, and emotional safety play into how these animals communicate and co-exist with humans. Her observations and research show that calming signals aren’t just something horses use—they’re shared across species. 

We also get an introduction to Scentwork, which Rachaël ties directly into mental well-being and nervous system regulation. There’s so much richness here, and this is just the beginning.

This conversation opens up a new lens on social behavior, connection, and communication.

To learn more about Rachaël’s work, visit calmingsignalsofhorses.com or check out her book Language Signs & Calming Signals of Horses (2017).

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Join the Bookclub! https://connection-therapy.com/book-club 

References:

Lone Guardian, LLC, https://www.theloneguardian.org/

In this episode, Dr. Brenda Murrow explores the powerful role of calming signals—those subtle, nonverbal cues used to manage social dynamics, reduce conflict, and build connection. Building on past episodes on appeasement behaviors in dogs and humans, this conversation turns to horses—drawing on the work of two influential authors: Turid Rugaas (dogs) and her mentee, Rachaël Draaisma (horses) who have both published books on calming signals, also known as appeasement behaviors.

Brenda shares takeaways from a hands-on class with Dr. Draaisma, where she learned that horses use a wide range of calming signals—like looking away, blinking, chewing, or curving their walking patterns—to create space or maintain harmony in interactions.

But this episode isn’t just about horses. It’s about how easily we, as humans—and especially therapists—unintentionally send nonverbal messages we don’t mean. Brenda shares a personal moment in class when her body language contradicted her intent—toward both a horse and a human partner—and what that revealed about how her own unconscious patterns of somatic movement needs to be further understood.

Brenda reflects on her discomfort with experiential learning and how participating in it revealed surprising insights about her own communication. She offers encouragement to those who might also feel more at ease with books and theory, reminding listeners that awareness begins by noticing what we’re actually doing in real time.

There’s value in simply noticing the signals we give off—especially the ones we’re not aware of. These small moments of awareness can shape stronger connections with both clients and animals.

References:

*Brenda Murrow, (2013) A Quantitative exploration into the effects of the human and animal connection.  (Doctoral dissertation).  Pacifica Graduate Institute.

*also mentioned in podcast episodes 2, 3, and 4.

Jaak Panksepp & Lucy Biven. (2012). The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) 1st Edition.  W. W. Norton & Company.

Rachaël Draaisma, https://calmingsignalsofhorses.com/en/ 

Language ​​Signs & Calming Signals of Horses (2017), CRC Press

Turid Rugaas, http://en.turid-rugaas.no/

Lone Guardian, LLC, https://www.theloneguardian.org/

Gurman, A. S., & Messer, S. B. (Eds.). (2003). Essential psychotherapies: Theory and

practice. New York: The Guilford Press.

In today’s episode, Dr. Brenda Murrow takes a look into behaviors we sometimes see in children that can feel confusing or hard to understand—like why a child might stay very close to a caregiver who’s actually causing them harm or distress. To start, she shares an example of how horses react unpredictably to things in their environments which helps us begin to see how behaviors in animals—and humans—can be shaped by their environment and survival needs.

Dr. Brenda Murrow then builds on the article we unpacked in episode 45, Entrapped Mother Entrapped Child: Agonic Mode Hierarchy and Appeasement and Intergenerational Abuse and Neglect by Amos, Segal, and Cantor. This article looks closely at how children in abusive or neglectful homes develop what are called “appeasement behaviors” to help them survive. One behavior Dr. Murrow highlights that the authors mentioned is called “reverted escape,” which describes a child’s seemingly paradoxical choice to stay near a dominant or even oppressive adult rather than run away. While this may seem counterintuitive, it’s actually a common survival strategy found in both humans and animals. 

She also discusses other forms of appeasement behaviors like infantile mimicry, cowering, bowing, sickness behaviors, and even self-destructive behaviors—all ways that children might signal they don’t want conflict and are trying to remain safe in difficult environments. These behaviors, though often misunderstood, have deep roots in survival instincts shared across species.

Dr. Murrow reminds us that understanding the why behind behaviors—not just labeling them as “bad” or “problematic”—is essential to supporting children effectively. By viewing behavior through this lens, we can find better ways to intervene and support healing.

Understanding survival-based behaviors can change the way we respond—and ultimately help children feel safer and more supported.

References:

Amos, J., Segal, L., & Cantor, C. (2015). Entrapped Mother, Entrapped Child: Agonic Mode, Hierarchy and Appeasement in Intergenerational Abuse and Neglect. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 24(5), 1442–1450. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10826-014-9950-3

Dr. Brenda Murrow began her career working with children and quickly realized that young kids don’t always use the language adults expect to describe their experiences. Each child has their own unique way of expressing what they feel and see, which makes understanding them a careful process. This is especially true when working with children who have experienced trauma or difficult home environments.

Recently, Dr. Brenda Murrow has been exploring research on appeasement signals—nonverbal behaviors that both humans and animals use to show peaceful intentions and avoid conflict. 

She found a study titled Entrapped Mother, Entrapped Child: Agonic Mode, Hierarchy and Appeasement in Intergenerational Abuse and Neglect, published in 2015 in the Journal of Child and Family Studies by Jackie Amos, Leonie Seagal, and Chris Cantor. The study highlights how children raised in unpredictable or traumatic environments develop behaviors aimed at maintaining peace and connection with their caregivers, even when those caregivers may be abusive or neglectful.

According to the research, children pay a high price to stay connected—they must constantly watch and respond to their caregiver’s moods to avoid conflict. Brenda sees this in her work, observing how children learn to adjust their behavior to protect themselves and maintain relationships, sometimes acting out in ways that can seem confusing or hostile to others.

The study also shows that children’s behaviors vary depending on their caregiver’s mood—some may become clingy and submissive, others hostile or controlling, and some try to entertain or distract. Brenda recognizes these patterns in her clients and understands how challenging it is for outsiders like teachers or counselors to grasp why a child might stay connected to an unhealthy or harmful relationship.

Brenda appreciates how this research adds depth to her understanding of trauma and its effects on children. It helps explain why children might behave in ways that seem difficult or contradictory but are really strategies for survival and connection. She looks forward to sharing more about appeasement behaviors in upcoming episodes.

www.connectiontherapypodcast.com

Follow Brenda on Instagram @theconnectiontherapypodcast

References:

Amos, J., Segal, L., & Cantor, C. (2015). Entrapped Mother, Entrapped Child: Agonic Mode, Hierarchy and Appeasement in Intergenerational Abuse and Neglect. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 24(5), 1442–1450. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10826-014-9950-3

Stephen Porges (2011). Polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. 

Bessel Van der Kolk (2015). The Body Keeps the Score.

We often think we need to show up perfectly, but the truth is—our imperfections are doing more work than we realize. In this episode, Dr. Brenda Murrow talks about how information moves between beings, especially through non-verbal signals, and how something as simple as embarrassment can actually build trust.

Humans, like many species, show appeasement signals—subtle ways of communicating their peaceable intent.  When we are embarrassed, we often show these signals along with care, concern, or social awareness - all without saying a word.  It’s a non-verbal way of showing we care what others think, too. That moment when your face flushes and you look away? It actually makes people trust you more.

Dr. Brenda Murrow breaks down the study Flustered and Faithful by Feinberg, Willer, and Keltner (2012), which found that when people witnessed someone reacting to an embarrassing moment with emotion, they viewed that person as more prosocial and trustworthy. It’s not the mistake that matters—it’s the way we respond. And often, we only feel embarrassed because we do care—about the moment, the other person, the connection.

This has big implications in how we support our patients. When we normalize embarrassment instead of rushing past it or covering it up, we give people space to be human. That opens the door for repair, empathy, and stronger connection. And often, those very moments can strengthen relationships.

Turns out, our flaws might be one of our best connection tools.

www.connectiontherapypodcast.com

Follow Brenda on Instagram @theconnectiontherapypodcast

Reference:

Feinberg, M., Willer, R., & Keltner, D. (2012). Flustered and faithful: Embarrassment as a signal of prosociality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(1), 81–97. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/a0025403

In this episode of the Connection Therapy Podcast, Dr. Brenda Murrow explores how understanding animal behavior—especially in dogs—can deepen our insight into human communication and relationships.

Dr. Murrow reflects on her own experience learning French and how it made her more aware of cultural nuances in language—particularly terms of endearment. Something as simple as the word “sweetheart,” which might feel universal, actually varies widely depending on context and culture. This realization led her to consider how observing other species could offer a fresh perspective on human psychology.

The episode centers on appeasement signals—subtle behaviors animals use to prevent conflict. Dr. Murrow highlights a 2017 study from the Journal of Veterinary Behavior that looked at how dogs use cues like looking away or licking their lips when interacting with humans. These actions aren’t random—they’re meaningful ways of communicating peaceful intent.

Dr. Murrow encourages listeners to think about the nonverbal signals we use every day, from merging politely in traffic to softening our tone in conversation. By learning from animals, we can become more attuned to the subtle ways humans seek connection and avoid conflict—both in therapy and in daily life.

The episode is a powerful reminder that communication goes beyond words, and sometimes the smallest signals say the most. www.connectiontherapypodcast.com

Follow Brenda on Instagram @theconnectiontherapypodcast

Reference:

Firnkes, A., Bartels, A., Bidoli, E., & Erhard, M. (2017). Appeasement signals used by dogs during dog–human communication. Journal of Veterinary Behavior: Clinical Applications and Research, 19, 35–44. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1016/j.jveb.2016.12.012

May is Mental Health Awareness Month—a time to reflect on what helps us feel seen, safe, and connected. And sometimes, the most powerful connection doesn’t need words at all. It begins with eye contact.

In this episode, Brenda reflects on the power of eye contact and what it tells us about connection, safety, and trust—both in our relationships with people and with animals.

We often think of eye contact as a simple social skill, but it’s so much more than that. It plays a key role in human development, emotional regulation, and communication. And as Brenda shares, it appears it may act in similar ways for animals.

Brenda walks through two studies that explore how dogs respond to human behavior—especially in moments when they need help or when we show affection in ways that might not feel safe to them. One study shows how dogs use eye contact to signal that they’re stuck and need human assistance. Another reminds us that common gestures like hugging, petting, and rough play might feel comforting to us, but can actually stress out our animal companions.

This conversation is an invitation to slow down and pay attention. If we’re going to ask animals to partner with us—especially in therapeutic settings—we have to be willing to learn how they communicate, what their signals mean, and how to respond in ways that support trust instead of assuming it.

By understanding non-verbal communication across species, we don’t just become better practitioners—we become better humans.

www.connectiontherapypodcast.com

Follow Brenda on Instagram @theconnectiontherapypodcast

References:

Cavalli, C., Carballo, F., Dzik, M. V., & Bentosela, M. (2020). Gazing as a help requesting behavior: A comparison of dogs participating in animal-assisted interventions and pet dogs. Animal Cognition, 23(1), 141–147. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s10071-019-01324-8

Walsh, E. A., Meers, L. L., Samuels, W. E., Boonen, D., Claus, A., Duarte-Gan, C., Stevens, V., Contalbrigo, L., & Normando, S. (2024). Human-dog communication: How body language and non-verbal cues are key to clarity in dog directed play, petting and hugging behaviour by humans. Applied Animal Behaviour Science. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1016/j.applanim.2024.106206

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 1 in 5 U.S. adults and 1 in 6 children experience mental health challenges each year. And, 122 million people live in areas with a shortage of mental health professionals, highlighting a critical gap in care. This is why Brenda is passionate about podcasting on mental health—both to raise awareness and provide resources for practitioners in the field, creating a community of professionals committed to this important work.

While Brenda often discusses science-based interventions, she’s also drawn to the "art" of psychology—the more intuitive, experiential ways of understanding. Art evokes emotions and insights that can’t always be measured scientifically but are just as valuable in the field of psychology. Brenda believes that integrating these different ways of knowing, as Carl Jung suggested, strengthens our ability to understand others.

One piece of art that illustrates this power of emotional connection is Edvard Munch’s The Scream. The figure’s agonized expression and intense eye contact convey deep pain—an emotion words can’t fully capture. It’s a reminder that eye contact and emotional expression are universally understood.

Brenda also looked to poetry, where many writers have reflected on the significance of eyes. From Rumi to T.S. Eliot, poets suggest that eyes reveal the soul, interpret the unconscious, and help us make sense of the world. These artistic perspectives remind Brenda of the deep, human connection that eye contact represents, beyond clinical practice.

As Brenda continues to explore the role of eye contact in psychology, she’s inspired by the way art and science can complement each other. This blend of approaches allows for a more empathetic, holistic practice—one rooted in curiosity and the power of connection. www.connectiontherapypodcast.com

Follow Brenda on Instagram @theconnectiontherapypodcast References:

Charlotte Brontë~ https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6575-the-soul-fortunately-has-an-interpreter---often-an-unconscious

TS Eliot~ https://allpoetry.com/Eyes-That-Last-I-Saw-In-Tears

Health Resources & Service Administration (HRSA) ~https://data.hrsa.gov/tools/shortage-area

CG Jung, Psychological Types (1921)

CS Lewis- https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/39719-if-the-whole-universe-has-no-meaning-we-should-never

Edvard Munch - ‘The Scream’ https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2012/05/03/151928781/the-scream-fetches-highest-price-ever-for-a-work-of-art

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) - https://www.nami.org/

Mary Oliver - “Messenger” (in Thirst) 

Rumi- https://www.azquotes.com/quote/866451

In this episode, Brenda takes a step back to reflect on several of her recent research-based episodes—and how what she’s learned is continuing to shape the way she practices. Revisiting past studies has helped her see just how much of what we do in the therapy room is grounded in awareness, relationship, and presence.

Across these episodes, one theme kept surfacing: we’re always in communication, even when nothing is being said. Posture, silence, pacing, eye contact—these all play a role in how connection is built. Reflecting on that has reminded Brenda to slow down and stay attuned to the subtle signals that shape every session.

She also spoke about the therapist’s own influence. When she hopes a client will show up honestly, she checks in with herself first. Is she grounded? Genuine? Focused? Clients pick up on far more than just words, and the quality of her presence often sets the tone for the session.

Another key takeaway from her review: it’s not about getting things perfect. What matters is the effort. A “good enough” relationship—steady, consistent, and responsive—often lays the groundwork for growth and change. Research continues to affirm what Brenda has long believed: the relationship itself is central.

Looking back on these episodes, Brenda isn’t interested in dramatic overhauls. Instead, she’s noticing the small shifts—how she listens, how she waits, how she reflects. The studies she’s revisited have only deepened her belief that therapy isn’t about fixing people—it’s about walking with them.

As she was taught, people don’t come to therapy to be told what to do. They come because they need someone willing to be in it with them. And for Brenda, continuing to learn—through research and reflection—is part of staying present for that work.

www.connectiontherapypodcast.com

Follow Brenda on Instagram @theconnectiontherapypodcast

References:

Review of clinical applications for research presented in April episodes #35-39

There are so many things that influence a therapy session—and not all of them are spoken.

In this episode, Brenda is continuing the exploration into the less obvious dynamics that shape the therapeutic relationship. Encouragement, presence, attunement—they’re all part of the work. But there are also layers we don’t always consciously notice. One of those layers is mimicking.

Brenda walks us through the research that supports this—multiple studies showing that when someone is subtly mimicked through facial expressions, posture, or gestures, they often report that the interaction felt smoother. They tend to feel more positively about the person they were speaking with. In fact, across different ages and settings, people who were mimicked even became more generous and helpful.

Mimicking is something humans naturally do. It’s often unconscious and pro-social—it helps us feel connected. And while it shows up in all kinds of settings (sales, parenting, interviews), it holds particular meaning in the therapy room.

Therapy is a unique kind of relationship. It’s a space where Brenda wants clients to know that even if we don’t see something the same way, the relationship is still safe. If there’s a disagreement or a shift in tone, she doesn't hide it. We don’t have to match on everything for the relationship to hold. In fact, being able to stay connected in the presence of difference can deepen trust.

So as you move through your day, consider the ways these small cues—like mimicking—show up in your own interactions.

References:

Carpenter, M., Uebel, J., & Tomasello, M. (2013). Being Mimicked Increases Prosocial Behavior in 18-Month-Old Infants. Child Development, 84(5), 1511–1518. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/cdev.12083

Ekman, P. (2016). What scientists who study emotion agree about. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 11(1), 31–34. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1177/1745691615596992

Patterson, M. L., Fridlund, A. J., & Crivelli, C. (2023). Four misconceptions about nonverbal communication. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 18(6), 1388–1411. https://doi-org.pgi.idm.oclc.org/10.1177/17456916221148142