Conscious Relating

Why do so many self-aware people still find themselves stuck in the same relationship patterns?

In this conversation, Forest sits down with Jessica Fern (author of Polysecure) and David Cooley (co-author of Polywise) to explore their groundbreaking framework, The Shame Triangle—a practical model for understanding how shame, self-criticism, and coping strategies quietly shape our relationships, emotional well-being, and sense of self.

Together they unpack parts work, Internal Family Systems (IFS), spirituality, attachment wounds, conflict, self-love, and the hidden ways shame keeps us disconnected from ourselves and the people we care about most. They also share personal stories about divorce, conscious relationships, monogamy, non-monogamy, and the lifelong journey of healing.

If you've ever wondered why awareness alone isn't enough to create lasting change, this episode offers a compassionate roadmap for transforming shame into deeper self-acceptance, connection, and intimacy.

Topics include: shame, parts work, Internal Family Systems (IFS), attachment, trauma healing, relationship conflict, self-love, spirituality, emotional regulation, conscious relationships, monogamy, non-monogamy, and personal growth.

LINKS

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠the Conscious Couple⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 4 month course: consciousrelating.org/the-conscious-couple

• Purchase the Book: jessicafern.com/books

• Shame Triangle Course: theazuriteway.com

• Dave's Website: restorativerelationship.com

• Ask Dave & Jess Show: linktr.ee/AskJessandDave

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Couple's Sessions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the Newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠consciousrelating.org⁠⁠

CHAPTERS

00:00 Shame, Intimacy & Why This Conversation Matters

Forest shares his personal experience with shame, emotional triggers, and how shame can quietly interfere with intimacy.

05:15 Why Jessica Fern & David Cooley Wrote Transforming the Shame Triangle

The inspiration behind the book and why shame became the missing piece in so much healing and relationship work.

11:00 Why Self-Aware People Still Get Stuck

The hidden role shame plays in blocking accountability, growth, emotional availability, and relationship repair.

17:30 Spirituality, Consciousness & Relationships as a Path of Growth

Jessica and David share how they define spirituality, consciousness, and personal evolution.

28:00 Parts Work, IFS & Self-Leadership

What Internal Family Systems teaches about parts, Self energy, and healing internal conflict.

40:00 Why Parts Work Actually Works

How identifying different parts of ourselves creates more choice, emotional regulation, and resilience.

49:00 Understanding the Shame Triangle

The Inner Critic, Shame, and Escaper—and how these three forces keep us trapped in repeating patterns.

1:02:00 How Shame Shows Up in Everyday Life

Jessica shares a powerful story illustrating how even success and positive experiences can trigger shame.

1:10:00 From the Shame Triangle to the Self-Love Triangle

How compassion, curiosity, and self-leadership transform shame into healing.

1:17:00 Autoimmune Illness, Stress & Emotional Health

Exploring the relationship between shame, chronic stress, inflammation, and mind-body healing.

1:25:00 Divorce, Conscious Relationships & Authentic Relating

Jessica and David share how they transitioned from marriage to a new form of partnership.

1:34:00 Forest's Journey from Relationship Anarchy to Conscious Exclusivity

A candid discussion about monogamy, non-monogamy, emotional intimacy, identity, and authenticity.

1:47:00 Practical Wisdom for Healing Shame

Key takeaways, resources, and where to learn more about Transforming the Shame Triangle.

Music Credits

https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/dreamstate

License code: YTLHO7DQH73KDCKC

https://uppbeat.io/t/jeff-kaale/new-chapter

License code: 8U4D1JARWUZ8WEYO

What happens when the desire to be a “good ally” becomes performative? In this episode, we explore how shame, virtue signaling, identity politics, and unhealed trauma can create disconnection instead of trust. We discuss authentic relationships, nervous system healing, spiritual growth, and why real human connection starts when we stop performing and start relating human-to-human.

LINKS

• ⁠⁠⁠the Conscious Couple⁠⁠⁠⁠ 4 month course: consciousrelating.org/the-conscious-couple

• ⁠⁠⁠Join Ostara: fenixgrace.com/ostara-psychic-collective

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Couple's Sessions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the Newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

• ⁠⁠⁠consciousrelating.org⁠

CHAPTERS

00:00 — Why “Good Ally” Energy Feels Awkward

Forest shares why authentic affirmation feels different from performative allyship — and why trying too hard can feel disconnecting.

02:10 — “Stop Trying to Be an Ally”

Fēnix explains how social justice culture can unintentionally become dehumanizing, even when it’s trying to fight dehumanization.

04:00 — The Shame Behind Performative Allyship

How guilt, self-loathing, and the need to be seen as “good” drive unconscious ally behavior.

06:30 — Lovability Wounds & Activist Identity

The connection between people-pleasing, social justice culture, and the desire for acceptance and belonging.

10:20 — White Guilt, Belonging, and Cultural Identity

Forest shares his experiences navigating identity, race, belonging, and connection while living in Oakland.

15:40 — Trauma, Boundaries, and Reverse Hierarchies

A nuanced conversation about how unprocessed pain can recreate unhealthy power dynamics inside activist spaces.

20:30 — Why Virtue Signaling Breaks Trust

How trying to “prove” you’re safe or enlightened often creates more disconnection instead of intimacy.

24:00 — Codependency & Nervous System Responsibility

Fēnix explains how over-functioning as an ally can become a form of emotional codependency.

28:00 — The Cult Dynamics of Social Justice Culture

The pressure to conform, fear of punishment, and loss of authenticity within performative activism spaces.

33:30 — Spirituality, Healing, and Humanization

Why spiritual maturity, embodiment, and shadow work are missing from many modern social justice conversations.

38:00 — Trauma, Forgiveness, and Emotional Availability

A deeper conversation about healing relational wounds without projecting pain onto others.

42:00 — When Unprocessed Pain Turns Into Harm

Forest and Fēnix discuss how oppressed people can unconsciously weaponize pain in relationships.

46:00 — “Just Be Human”

The episode closes with a reflection on equality, spiritual humility, and why authentic connection matters more than identity performance.

Music Credits

https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/dreamstate

License code: YTLHO7DQH73KDCKC

https://uppbeat.io/t/jeff-kaale/new-chapter

License code: 8U4D1JARWUZ8WEYO

Most couples get married based on love—but love alone isn’t enough to sustain a long-term relationship.

In this episode, relationship coach Forest Williams breaks down the unconscious trap that leads couples into painful breakups years down the line: avoiding honest conversations about compatibility.

You’ll learn how to face the fear of “what if we’re not compatible,” why emotional security starts within, and how assessing compatibility can actually deepen trust and strengthen your relationship over time.

If you’re thinking about marriage—or already in a committed relationship—this episode will challenge the mainstream narrative and give you a more grounded, conscious approach to building something that actually lasts.

LINKS

• ⁠⁠the Conscious Couple⁠⁠⁠ 4 month course: consciousrelating.org/the-conscious-couple

• ⁠⁠Love w/o Losing Yourself⁠⁠ 4 week class: consciousrelating.org/love-without-losing-yourself

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Couple's Sessions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the Newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

• ⁠⁠consciousrelating.org⁠

CHAPTERS

0:00 – The Relationship Trap Most Couples Fall Into

Why basing marriage on love alone sets couples up for failure—and how incompatibility reveals itself over time.

2:30 – The Cost of Avoiding Compatibility Conversations

What happens when you ignore misalignment (and why it gets exponentially harder to leave later).

5:00 – Mainstream Conditioning Around Marriage

How societal norms, unplanned circumstances, and passive relationship dynamics lead to unconscious commitments.

8:30 – Why Assessing Compatibility Feels So Hard

The real reason couples avoid this conversation: fear of the relationship ending.

12:00 – Avoiding vs Fixing: Two Ways We Resist the Truth

How people unconsciously bypass incompatibility instead of facing reality.

15:00 – What Real Relationship Security Actually Comes From

Why security isn’t created by marriage, commitment, or time—but from within.

18:30 – Can You Imagine Life Without Your Partner?

A powerful test of self-security (and why it actually strengthens your relationship).

22:00 – The Anatomy of a Secure Relationship

Why healthy relationships require two whole individuals—not emotional dependency.

25:00 – Why You’ll Never Feel Secure If You Avoid the Truth

How skipping compatibility conversations leads to long-term anxiety and doubt.

29:00 – The Spiritual Layer: Facing the “Death” of a Relationship

Why confronting the potential end of a relationship is key to clarity and truth.

33:00 – Nervous System Regulation: The Missing Skill

How fear shows up in your body—and why regulation is essential for honest conversations.

36:00 – Practical Tools to Regulate Fear

Somatic techniques: shaking, journaling, singing, and creating space to process emotions.

40:00 – Becoming “Neutral” to Fear

Why the goal isn’t to eliminate fear—but to stay grounded in it so you can access truth.

43:00 – What’s Next: How to Actually Assess Compatibility

Preview of upcoming episode + deeper ways to evaluate alignment in your relationship.

Music Credits

https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/dreamstate

License code: YTLHO7DQH73KDCKC

https://uppbeat.io/t/jeff-kaale/new-chapter

License code: 8U4D1JARWUZ8WEYO

Most relationship advice focuses on what to say—but not how you’re actually communicating underneath it all.

In this episode of the Conscious Monogamy Series, we break down three unconscious communication patterns that slowly create disconnection—even in deeply committed relationships—and the conscious communication practices that rebuild trust, intimacy, and emotional safety over time.

If you find yourself stuck in reactive loops, feeling unheard, or repeating the same arguments, this episode will help you identify what’s really happening beneath the surface—and how to shift it.

We explore:

• Why most communication defaults to a “war paradigm” (and how to step out of it)

• The difference between reacting vs. responding

• How to stop escalating conflict and start creating understanding

• Practical tools you can apply immediately to deepen connection

This isn’t about perfect communication—it’s about becoming intentional, self-aware, and aligned in how you relate.

LINKS

• ⁠the Conscious Couple⁠⁠ 4 month course: consciousrelating.org/the-conscious-couple

• ⁠Love w/o Losing Yourself⁠ 4 week class: consciousrelating.org/love-without-losing-yourself

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Couple's Sessions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the Newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

• ⁠consciousrelating.org

CHAPTERS

00:00 – Introduction: Conscious vs. Unconscious Communication
Why most relationships default to disconnection—and what conscious monogamy actually means.

03:15 – The “War Paradigm” of Modern Relationships
How mainstream relationship patterns create conflict, control, and emotional distance.

07:10 – Reacting vs. Responding
The core shift that changes everything: moving from autopilot to intentional communication.

Unconscious Pattern #1: Lashing Out When Triggered

11:20 – Why We Take Things Personally
How your interpretation—not reality—drives emotional reactions.

14:05 – The Antidote: Reflective Listening
How repeating back what you heard de-escalates conflict and builds understanding.

Unconscious Pattern #2: Criticism & Complaining

20:10 – Why Complaints Create Disconnection
How unmet needs turn into subtle attacks on your partner.

23:00 – The Antidote: Clear Requests
How to express needs directly without blame—and build collaboration.

Unconscious Pattern #3: Taking Responsibility for Your Partner’s Emotions

28:40 – “You Made Me Feel This Way”
Why blame triggers defensiveness and erodes trust.

31:15 – The Antidote: Ownership + Vulnerability (NVC)
Using emotional responsibility and honesty to create deeper intimacy.

Unconscious Pattern #4: Expecting Mind Reading

36:50 – The Trap of Unspoken Expectations
Why “they should just know” leads to resentment and conflict.

40:10 – The Antidote: Direct, Clean Communication
Owning your needs without making it aggressive.

43:30 – Final Reflections: Communication as a Growth Practice
Why conscious relating isn’t about perfection—but intention, awareness, and evolution.

45:00 – What’s Next in the Series + Offers
Upcoming episode on sex, plus ways to go deeper through courses and coaching.

Music Credits

https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/dreamstate

License code: YTLHO7DQH73KDCKC

https://uppbeat.io/t/jeff-kaale/new-chapter

License code: 8U4D1JARWUZ8WEYO

What does it look like to engage with community in a conscious monogamous relationship—and why do so many couples slowly become isolated, enmeshed, or controlling over time?

In this episode of the Conscious Monogamy series, relationship coach Forest Williams breaks down one of the most overlooked dynamics in long-term relationships: how couples relate to other people.

He walks through 3 common unconscious patterns couples fall into and 3 antidotes that create trust, sovereignty, and real connection.

You’ll learn the difference between unconscious monogamy (control, enmeshment, and isolation) and conscious monogamy (sovereignty, trust, and interdependence).

If you want a relationship that feels secure and expansive, this episode will show you how to navigate jealousy without control, maintain your individuality without creating distance, and build a support system that strengthens your bond instead of threatening it.

Perfect for couples who want to grow together without losing themselves—and are ready to create a relationship that actually works in the real world.

LINKS

• the Conscious Couple⁠ 4 month course: consciousrelating.org/the-conscious-couple

• Love w/o Losing Yourself 4 week class: consciousrelating.org/love-without-losing-yourself

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Couple's Sessions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the Newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

• consciousrelating.org

CHAPTERS

00:00 – What Is Conscious Monogamy?

Defining conscious vs. unconscious monogamy and why most couples default into patterns that quietly erode connection over time.

03:15 – Why Monogamy Often Leads to Disconnection

How societal conditioning promotes control, insecurity, and emotional drift—and why intentionality is required for long-term intimacy.

07:40 – Pattern #1: Jealousy & Control

How insecurity leads to restricting your partner’s autonomy, and why control ultimately destroys trust and creates resentment.

15:20 – Antidote #1: Processing Jealousy & Building Trust

Turning jealousy into self-awareness through emotional processing, shadow work, and clear communication of needs without control.

23:10 – Pattern #2: Social Enmeshment

Why always socializing as a couple leads to loss of individuality, reduced attraction, and weakened connection.

28:45 – Antidote #2: Sovereignty & Individuality

How maintaining separate friendships and experiences strengthens intimacy, trust, and long-term desire.

34:30 – Pattern #3: Isolation from Community

The “us vs. the world” dynamic and how over-relying on your partner creates pressure and disconnection.

40:10 – Antidote #3: Interdependence & Community Support

Expanding beyond the couple to build a supportive network that increases resilience, connection, and relational health.

47:20 – Designing Your Relationship on Purpose

Reflection questions to help couples consciously decide how they engage socially—together and independently.

52:00 – Final Takeaways: From Control to Trust

The core shift from unconscious patterns (control, enmeshment, isolation) to conscious relating (sovereignty, trust, community).

Music Credits

https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/dreamstate

License code: YTLHO7DQH73KDCKC

https://uppbeat.io/t/jeff-kaale/new-chapter

License code: 8U4D1JARWUZ8WEYO

What is Conscious Monogamy — and why do so many long-term relationships slowly lose intimacy over time?

In this first episode of the Conscious Monogamy series, relationship coach Forest Williams explores one of the most common (and destructive) unconscious patterns in monogamous relationships: identity enmeshment. When partners lose their sovereignty and fuse identities, it creates control dynamics, resentment, stagnation, anxiety, and declining sexual chemistry.

You’ll learn the difference between unconscious monogamy (codependency and control) and Conscious Monogamy (sovereignty, autonomy, and mutual growth). If you want a long-term relationship that deepens over time instead of quietly eroding, this episode will show you how maintaining individuality actually strengthens intimacy, trust, and passion.

Perfect for spiritually oriented couples committed to growth, shadow work, and building a secure, thriving partnership.

What happens when your body flares up… and so does your deepest fear of being unlovable?

In this raw and vulnerable episode, I share about navigating a Crohn’s flare, emotional eating, sobriety, and the resurfacing of my childhood “unloveability wound.”

Joined by my partner Fēnix Grace, we explore how chronic illness impacts intimacy, why your body is your primary partner, and how resistance to healing can keep you stuck.

If you’ve ever felt like a burden in relationships, struggled with shame around your health, or used food to cope with emotional pain — this episode is for you.

We cover:

• The link between chronic illness and shame

• Emotional eating as a trauma response

• Why healing is nonlinear

• How attunement to your body deepens intimacy

• Releasing resistance in shadow work

• Reparenting your inner child

  
  

Being triggered in relationship is inevitable. Staying stuck in it isn’t.

This episode explores how unhealed childhood wounds show up in intimacy — and how shadow work in partnership turns triggers into trust, depth, and pleasure.

CHAPTERS

1. Why Avoiding Shadow Work Creates More Pain in Relationships
(shadow work, relationships, avoidance)

2. Getting Triggered Is Inevitable — Here’s Why Intimacy Brings Up Childhood Wounds
(triggers, childhood trauma, intimacy)

3. When Small Moments Create Big Emotional Reactions
(emotional triggers, disproportionate reactions)

4. The Trauma Narratives That Keep You Stuck in Dating and Partnership
(trauma narratives, dating patterns)

5. “I’m Unlovable” and Other Unconscious Beliefs Running Your Love Life
(unlovable belief, attachment wounds)

6. Why You Keep Attracting the Same Relationship Dynamics
(relationship patterns, attraction)

7. Shadow Work in Partnership: Healing Without Blame or Collapse
(shadow work in relationships, accountability)

8. How to Stop Personalizing Triggers and Start Creating Emotional Safety
(emotional safety, regulation)

9. Somatic Healing: Letting Emotions Move Through the Body
(somatic healing, emotional processing)

10. Why the Purpose of Relationship Is Pleasure — Not Just Healing
(pleasure, conscious relationship)

11. Choosing a Partner You’re Willing to Do Shadow Work With
(conscious partnership, intimacy)

12. Receiving Boundaries Without Spiraling Into Rejection
(boundaries, rejection triggers)

13. How to Heal Without Losing Yourself in Relationship
(sovereignty, codependency)

LINKS

• Visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠consciousrelating.org⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• ⁠Upcoming Events⁠: consciousrelating.org/events

• ⁠Couple's Coaching⁠: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• ⁠Join the Newsletter⁠: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

Music Credits

https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/dreamstate

License code: YTLHO7DQH73KDCKC

Chapters

• People Pleasing as a Survival Response
• What a Boundary Really Is (Not a Rule or Barrier)
• The Five Core People Pleasing Narratives
• How People Pleasing Damages Trust and Desire
• Why Boundaries Create Safety and Connection
• The Risk of Authenticity and Fear of Rejection
• How to Begin Healing People Pleasing Patterns

LINKS

• Visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠consciousrelating.org⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Upcoming Events: consciousrelating.org/events

• Couple's Coaching: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• Join the Newsletter: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

• If you're new to lesbian dating, you're likely struggling with the question: "Who makes the first move?!"

• It's a queer right of passage that most females go through when transitioning from dating males to dating females

• This episode teaches you a framework to move through the awkward "Who makes the first move?" dilemma so you can date with confidence

LINKS

• Visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠consciousrelating.org⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• ⁠⁠Upcoming Events⁠⁠: consciousrelating.org/events

• ⁠⁠Couple's Coaching⁠⁠: consciousrelating.org/coaching

• ⁠⁠Join the Newsletter⁠⁠: subscribepage.io/consciousrelating

CHAPTERS

1. The Lesbian Dating Stalemate (Why No One Makes the First Move)
Why mutual attraction so often turns into awkward tension in sapphic dating—especially for people new to dating women.

2. Transitioning from Dating Men to Dating Women
How shifting dating dynamics exposes unspoken rules around initiation, desire, and vulnerability in queer relationships.

3. The Impact of Sexual Harassment and Assault on Dating
How lived experiences of harassment and assault shape hesitation, hyper-awareness, and fear of making someone uncomfortable.

4. Why Mutual Desire Still Feels Risky to Act On
Exploring the nervous-system response behind “we both want this, so why can’t we move?”

5. Patriarchal Dating Scripts vs. Queer Relating
Why traditional hetero dating norms don’t work in lesbian and sapphic dynamics—and what replaces them.

6. What Is Spacious Consent?
A countercultural approach to consent that prioritizes safety, authenticity, and nervous-system regulation.

7. Why “Just Asking” Isn’t Always Enough
How assertiveness can still feel pressuring—and when softening creates more trust.

8. How to Initiate Without Pressure (Real-Life Examples)
Practical ways to express desire for hand-holding, kissing, or intimacy without rushing or cornering someone.

9. Reading Body Language and Somatic Cues
Why consent isn’t just verbal—and how to tune into subtle signals, especially with trauma histories.

10. Creating Erotic Tension Without Forcing an Outcome
How slowing down and holding desire can actually increase attraction and intimacy.

11. Reprogramming Fear, Fawning, and Freeze Responses
How spacious consent helps undo trauma-based dating patterns and builds relational safety.

12. What Queer Relationships Teach Us About Trust
Why queer and sapphic dating models offer powerful lessons about consent, co-creation, and emotional intimacy.

13. Dating as a Practice of Presence and Liberation
How slowing down in love becomes a radical act of healing in an overstimulated world.

14. Reflection Questions for Your Own Dating Life
Invitations to notice what shows up in your body, thoughts, and emotions when desire meets hesitation.

Music Credits

https://uppbeat.io/t/paul-yudin/dreamstate

License code: YTLHO7DQH73KDCKC