couples in focus

In this episode, Thomas and Michael explore the complexities of relationship dynamics, focusing on time management, communication, and understanding each other's needs. They emphasise the importance of personalised approaches over generic advice, highlighting how to foster healthier, more connected partnerships.

key topics

Time spent with partner: how much is enough?

The importance of individual and shared quality time

How nervous systems influence relationship needs

Communication styles and criticism

The role of models and perceptions in relationships

takeaways

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how much time couples should spend together.

Understanding your partner's nervous system helps in meeting their needs.

Quality time is about attention and engagement, not just quantity.

Avoiding right or wrong models in communication reduces criticism.

Shared activities that are meaningful foster connection and reciprocity.

Chapters

00:00 Exploring Relationship Dynamics

15:56 Understanding Perceptions of Criticism

Looking for Couples Therapy? Then check out the website.

In this episode, Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz explore the concept of bids for connection in relationships, emphasising how recognising and responding to these moments can strengthen bonds and prevent misunderstandings. They discuss practical examples, the importance of awareness, and the impact of missed bids on emotional and physical health.

key topics

Bids for connection and their importance in relationships

Examples of bids for connection in daily life

The impact of missed bids on emotional and physical health

How to recognise and respond to bids for connection

The role of safety and trust in responding to bids

Consequences of ignoring bids and how to avoid them

The concept of sliding door moments in relationships

Practical tips for strengthening connection through small moments

takeaways

Bids for connection are small moments where partners seek attention and closeness.

Many bids go unnoticed or unresponded to, leading to emotional distance.

Responding to bids with curiosity and acknowledgement strengthens bonds.

Repeated missed bids can lead to feelings of rejection and physical pain.

Raising awareness of bids can prevent long-term damage to relationships.

guest name

Michael Preston and Thomas Westenholz

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Overview of Bids for Connection

04:31 Understanding Bids for Connection

09:23 The Importance of Awareness in Relationships

13:58 Consequences of Missing Bids for Connection

18:49 Recognising Sliding Door Moments

22:59 The Impact of Criticism on Connection

27:34 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

resources

John Gottman - Sliding Door Moments - https://www.gottman.com/blog/sliding-door-moments/

Attachment Theory - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment-theory

For more support, visit the Couples Therapy in Brighton & Hove website.

In this episode of Couples in Focus, we explore a question many couples never stop to ask: What actually makes a relationship flourish?

A lot of relationship advice focuses on safety—reducing conflict, improving communication, and creating emotional security. And those things matter. But they’re really just the foundation.

So why do some relationships feel stable… yet flat? And what’s the difference between a relationship that simply works and one that truly feels alive?

In this conversation, we explore the deeper ingredients that help relationships thrive, including playfulness, admiration, curiosity, personal growth, and shared meaning. We also talk about why many couples slowly drift into “functional partnerships” and how small shifts can bring back energy, connection, and attraction.

If you’ve ever wondered how couples move from secure to deeply alive, this episode dives into the subtle dynamics that make that possible.

You’ll hear reflections on:

• Why stability alone doesn’t guarantee happiness in a relationship

• The surprising role of play and laughter in long-term love

• How curiosity can bring couples closer again

• Why personal growth can actually increase attraction

• The difference between relationships that drain us and those that energise us

Visit the website to learn more about how I support couples who need couples therapy.

We hope this conversation sparks some reflection about what helps relationships not just survive—but truly flourish.

Summary

In this episode of Couples in Focus, Thomas Westenholz and Michael Preston delve into the critical concepts of self-regulation and co-regulation within relationships. They explore how understanding our stress responses and predictive models can enhance emotional awareness and communication between partners. The discussion emphasises the importance of recognising bodily cues, the role of meditation, and the necessity of both self-regulation and co-regulation for healthy relationships. Through practical examples and insights, the hosts offer listeners strategies to improve their emotional intelligence and relationship dynamics.

To learn more, visit https://coupletherapy.earth/ for couples or if you are single https://findyourmatch.academy/

Takeaways

Self-regulation is essential for effective communication in relationships.

Meditation helps in developing awareness of bodily sensations.

Recognising stress responses can prevent escalation in conflicts.

Co-regulation involves partners supporting each other's emotional states.

Predictive models shape our expectations in relationships.

Ruptures in relationships can lead to opportunities for repair.

Effective co-regulation requires self-regulation skills.

Emotional object permanence helps in building trust between partners.

Small steps in self-regulation can lead to significant changes.

Understanding predictive models can change how we perceive our partner's actions.

Keywords

self-regulation, co-regulation, predictive models, stress response, emotional intelligence, couples therapy, communication, relationship dynamics, mindfulness, emotional awareness

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Self-Regulation

03:07 Understanding Self-Regulation and Its Importance

05:58 The Role of Body Awareness in Self-Regulation

08:54 Strategies for Self-Regulation

12:14 The Impact of Relationships on Self-Regulation

15:04 Predictive Models and Their Influence on Behavior

17:50 The Importance of Repair in Relationships

22:58 The Importance of Self-Regulation

25:57 Understanding Predictive Models in Relationships

29:01 Effective Co-Regulation and Dependence

32:10 Navigating Emotional Dysregulation

35:04 The Role of Movement in Self-Regulation

38:03 Building Emotional Object Permanence

41:00 Expanding the Window of Tolerance

To learn more, visit my website.

Summary

In this episode of Couples in Focus, Michael and Thomas discuss the importance of recognising overwhelm and stress in relationships, especially as the new year approaches. They explore strategies for managing stress, the role of partners in identifying each other's stress signals, and the significance of maintaining a positive presumption of intent in relationships. The conversation emphasises the need for self-awareness, communication, and mutual support to foster healthier relationships and navigate life's challenges together.

To learn more, visit https://coupletherapy.earth/ or https://findyourmatch.academy/

Takeaways

It's important to evaluate and make changes in relationships as the new year approaches.

Recognizing personal overwhelm is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.

Partners can help each other identify stress signals and provide support.

Having a hierarchy of priorities can help manage stress effectively.

Positive presumption of intent can diffuse tension in relationships.

Communication about needs is essential for resource management.

Self-awareness is key to preventing overwhelm and burnout.

Taking time for self-care can improve relationship dynamics.

It's important to teach partners about individual needs and stress responses.

Mutual support and understanding can strengthen relationships.

Chapters

00:00 Navigating the New Year Together

04:00 Recognizing Overwhelm and Stress

08:34 The Importance of Resource Management

13:04 Partner Support and Communication

17:17 Building a Foundation of Trust and Understanding

21:59 Resourcing Each Other in Relationships

30:22 The Importance of Self-Responsibility and Teaching Needs

34:15 Implementing New Habits for Relationship Growth

For more support, visit my website about couples therapy.

Even the strongest couples miss each other sometimes. A glance goes unnoticed, a comment gets brushed off, or one partner pulls away just when the other needs closeness. These are the moments where relationships either disconnect — or grow stronger.

In this episode, we talk about bids for connection: the small signals we send every day asking for attention, affection, or understanding. You’ll learn how to spot these bids, what happens when they’re missed, and how repair builds trust and emotional safety. Because thriving couples don’t get it right all the time — they just know how to find their way back.

For more, visit my couples therapy website.

Why do some couples seem to grow closer over time while others drift apart? In this episode, we explore the small, often unnoticed moments that make or break a relationship — the bids for connection.

Every time you reach out — with a glance, a question, a joke, or a touch — you’re offering a bid. Thriving couples recognise these bids and turn toward them; struggling couples miss or dismiss them.

We’ll unpack why these micro-moments matter so much, how to spot them, and what happens when they’re ignored. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or just starting out, this episode will help you see love not as grand gestures but as the tiny daily choices that keep your bond alive.

To learn more about how couples therapy can support your relationship.

Why do so many conversations with people we care about spiral into arguments? Often it’s because we’re focused on being right instead of relating.

In this episode of Couples in Focus, I unpack the difference between proving your point and stepping into someone else’s “map” — their inner world of experiences, feelings, and beliefs. You’ll hear real-life examples of how shifting from defensiveness to curiosity can transform conflicts into moments of connection, whether with a partner, friend, coworker, or family member.

We’ll explore why relating builds trust and emotional safety, and I’ll share practical tools you can use to pause, listen, and connect without losing yourself in the process.

For more on relationships and therapy, visit https://couplestherapybrighton.co.uk

Summary

In this conversation, Michael Preston discusses the importance of giving partners the benefit of the doubt in relationships. He emphasises how this shift in perspective can transform negative interactions into positive ones by fostering curiosity and understanding. Instead of reacting defensively to perceived slights, partners can approach each other with empathy and a desire to understand the other's experiences, leading to healthier communication and conflict resolution.

Takeaways

Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt can change dynamics.

Curiosity can replace defensiveness in relationships.

Understanding your partner's day can foster empathy.

Transforming negative cycles into positive interactions is crucial.

Effective communication is rooted in emotional intelligence.

Empathy leads to better conflict resolution.

Positive interactions can enhance personal growth.

Relationships thrive on understanding and curiosity.

Recognising triggers can help manage responses.

Healthy partnerships require ongoing effort and understanding.

Learn more by visiting my website.

Modern mental health often promises quick fixes — usually in the form of medication. While antidepressants can help, they rarely touch the deeper roots of why so many of us are struggling.

In this episode of Couples in Focus, I take a step back and ask: what if the crisis isn’t just chemical, but human? We’ll explore the four foundations of good mental health — nature, movement, social connection & meaning, and touch — and how losing these has left us unbalanced. I’ll also share the metaphor of the inner compass, showing how our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations can guide us back when we feel lost.

If you’re tired of surface-level solutions and want to reconnect with the deeper foundations of well-being, this episode is for you. Learn more at https://couplestherapybrighton.co.uk