Courtney Cries A Lot

In this episode I answer the question "Are people born wicked or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?"

and talk about what I've been up to this December: seeing Wicked, listening to the Wicked soundtrack nonstop, watching a documentary about the study of violence, sitting in silence, making space and being intentional about connecting more to my true nature, and embarking on The Artist's Way! I'll report back after week 1! If you have the book and would like to join me, please do :)

Oh and I also peed my pants this week, for the first time in a long time. Well, actually I peed my pants once in 2023 as well. But before that, it had been a long time!

The Artist's Way

Aaron Rose

Enneagram Lost Childhood Messages

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Tara Brach meditation

To Be Magnetic

When we honor our feelings, our feelings don't take over and run our whole lives. IFS has been such an empowering tool/framework for helping all the different parts of myself feel seen, heard, honored, and valued no matter what they may feel about my current reality.

When we can let ourselves be completely ok with this present moment and whatever our current circumstances are (including whatever feelings may be coming up about where we're at now) it's about 1000 times easier to manifest more of what we desire.

Because our next level is just an amplification of wherever we're currently at. So if we're in a place where we're constantly judging and labeling where we're at as bad/wrong/not good enough, our next level is going to be more of that. But if we can come into a place of allowing and surrender and gratitude for where we are now, our next level is going to be more of that.. and that's the frequency that our desires live on.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube.

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Richard Schwartz IFS Guide On Allowing a Part To Speak - when I do this, I start at the 6:30 mark (after the first time watching all the way through)

In this episode I explain the steps of RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) for emotional processing and how sometimes you can think you're allowing a feeling, but you're really only fake allowing it in hopes that it will go away ASAP. I used to do this all the time. I'd be like "oh yeah, it's totally ok that I'm feeling this" when meanwhile everything in my energy was saying a big fat "no" to it and I'd resist dropping down into my body to actually feel it.

I also go into why lovingly leading yourself through your emotional experiences reinforces the belief that you are unconditionally loved and live in a generous, loving universe. Before I knew how to give myself love and compassion in the face of feeling triggered, I just couldn't trust that I was safe. I wanted to believe I live in a generous universe, but I couldn't really connect to that. Because I didn't even feel loved by my own damn self. I felt judged and shamed every time I experienced difficult feelings. So I continually perceived that I was being personally attacked and punished by the universe as well.

Now that I consistently show up for myself with compassion no matter what's coming up internally, I find myself more and more able to get behind the belief that I'm inherently worthy and deserving, AND unconditionally loved by something bigger than me.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube.

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Therapy In A Nutshell video on panic attacks

Tara Brach Self-Compassion RAIN Meditation

In this episode I talk about how I used to be scared of my feelings. I'd avoid them, numb them, distract myself from them. And in doing so, I was so disconnected from myself, my desires, my needs, etc.

Over the last 7ish years I've been slowly but surely learning to allow my feelings. I've learned how to turn inward and meet whatever's there with love and compassion. How to validate myself. How to connect to different parts of myself. To try to understand my feelings rather than judging them and wishing they just weren't there at all. I used to want them to go away and never come back. And I'd take action to try to make that happen. And so the action I was taking was rooted in fear. Fear of what was going on internally and fear that it would keep going on.

Now I understand more and more that the key is just... allowing. Allowing it all. Loving it all. Because we're emotional beings and we're always going to be experiencing emotions until the day we die. So learning to have an empowered relationship to your emotions is life-changing. And the ripple effect it has in the world is a pretty inspiring thing to consider as well. Imagine if more and more humans learned to respond wisely to their emotions rather than.. you know.. being very reactive, lashing out, hurting others, doubling down on defensiveness, etc. So many things in our world will transform the more we learn to lead ourselves with love and respond lovingly to life around us. And I think that's where we're heading.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube.

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Once you own what you really want in life, it's common to resent where you're at now. To see your current reality as something you just need to get through, so you can get to where you really want to be. And to see who you are now as inferior to the person you'll become once you have what you want.

When that's your mindset, you're essentially putting your desired future on a pedestal, and making the present a problem. A problem that you think you need to solve.. and once you solve it, you'll get to what's up there on that pedestal.

That mentality is called problem frequency. And problem frequency only perpetuates more problem frequency. Because you keep moving the bar of "ok, once this is like this, then I'll be happy. But until then, I got problems to solve." So you keep looping in Problem Land, and where you are right now is never good enough compared to where you'll be someday.

So this episode is about *befriending the now*. Dropping the judgment of your current reality. Reframing and adding a different context to what's here now, so it's no longer viewed as a problem. It's exactly where you're supposed to be right now, and it's offering you all the gifts and wisdom necessary to help you co-create your desires. When we appreciate where we are now, it puts us on a frequency that matches what we desire. Because we desire more to appreciate. We don't desire problems.

The key is to get good at pivoting from problem frequency to appreciation mode. When we remember who we are, a spiritual being having a human experience, it's about a million times easier to pivot into a place of appreciation for this present moment. Versus when we forget who we are.. we tend to judge our current reality as wrong/bad/inferior. No thank you to that mode of life. Yes please to befriending the now and remembering.

You can also watch this episode on YouTube.

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In Remembering pt 2, I talk about why it's important to own your desires. Why what you desire is not random. And how, once you own that you want something, an energetic dialogue is established between you and the unseen. A co-creative dance of bringing that desire into physical form. So when it comes to your part in the dance, you need to check in with yourself. There's an anchor question to come back to over and over. The question: am I just reacting to my current circumstances or am I co-creating my reality? Am I reacting to life or am I responding powerfully? Am I being reactive or am I being a leader?

Am I just showing up and delivering the lines in the script that was handed to me today? ORRRR am I co-writing the script?

The more conscious we are, the more connected to ourselves, the more we understand our sense of agency. Our ability to make elevated choices. And our power comes online in a big way. Because we REMEMBER oh yeah, this is who I am. I've always had this in me. I just forgot. I just got distracted. I just got scared and discouraged and I've been coping with life the best that I could. But the more I remember who I am, the more I choose to move in ways that reflect that knowing. And there's an ease to it. It's not hard work. We're conditioned to think that our worth lies in hard work and struggle. But what if we're already COMPLETELY worthy and there's nothing to prove? What if joy is the real sign of great work. Passion. Inspiration. Gratitude. Authenticity. Love. Devotion. What if that's your part in the dance?

You can also watch this episode on YouTube.

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This episode introduces the Remembering series. I talk about why we forget who we are and what we're capable of. Why we numb when we could be creating. Why we perpetuate the same patterns in our lives even though we're consciously so tired of them. And how when we get to the ROOT of what's going on internally, and relate to it with love, we remember our power. And we start moving differently.

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In this episode I talk about a few ways I've been much more kind to myself lately. It's been almost four months since I said goodbye to Gary, and I wouldn't have gotten through this time with any grace at all unless I amped up my self-compassion practice.

And I've realized there are parts of myself that I've never really shown compassion to before. I guess I thought that certain parts of me or certain feelings that I experience just needed some *tough love* or re-direction or avoidance altogether. But it turns out they've REALLY been needing some loving attention and validation. And they're just as deserving of love as the parts of me that are easier for me to acknowledge.

So that's what I've been doing - practicing loving all parts of myself, validating any and all feelings that arise, and asking "what's good for me?" and being honest with myself about the answer to that question.

The more I practice self-compassion, the more resilient I feel. Doesn't mean it's easy or fun all the time, but it's definitely a much more loving way to relate to myself. And it obviously feels way better than harshly judging myself, so... I'm gonna try to keep this self-compassion thing up for the rest of my life. A long-term goal, if you will.

This episode is about Gary, my baby boy (my Beagle). I talk about his very peaceful passing and what I'm experiencing in my grief. I promise it's not just a heavy and dark listen. It's more about love than anything. Gary brought so much lightness and humor and joy to my life, and he continues to do so. And his last days were filled with light. He gave me so much peace at the end and I'm so grateful for how it all came to pass.