Scalise's candidacy for Speaker of the House lasted .18 Scaramuccis. The Repubs nominated sexual abuse facilitator Jim Jordan as their dude to rule the House. Israel intensified their attack on Gaza. In what was surely a staged moment while carrying a baby that wasn't totally his, Rep George Santos, in Batman villain attire busted out kabuki-level drama against a pro-Palestinian activist at the nation's Capitol. A Florida youth pastor, more gang boss than Christian, employed former drug addicts from his flock to boost tools and other high-ticketed items from Home Depot that would be flipped on an eBay store. In other youth pastor updates, there's a manhunt on for an evil Ohio shepherd who is charged with molesting minors. After a long absence on CrabDiving, Nazi-esque totalitarian Christian Gordon Klingenschmitt blathered something idiotic about marijuana being a gateway drug to hell. Conservative wankers in Wisconsin walked back evil efforts to impeach the newly elected state SCOTUS Protasiewicz.

Majority Leader Steve Scalise, R-La., speaks after a closed-door meeting of House Republicans during which he was chosen as candidate for Speaker of the House on Capitol Hill, Wednesday, Oct. 11, 2023 in Washington. (AP Photo/Mariam Zuhaib)