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The world needs more Jimmy Carters and fewer Elon Musks. But sadly we still have Elon but lost President Jimmy Carter. Carter was a far better President than those who came after, especially President Elect Donald Trump whose defamation verdict relating to the rape of E. Jean Carroll was upheld. The Nazi podcaster from Berwyn, Nick Fuentes, reminded the universe that he was right about the crappy tech bros. Shitler endorsed insurrectionist Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. Elmo blathered praises over injectable weight loss drugs previously poo’d-poo’d by Elmo. Man-baby’s hatchet person Susie Wiles told cabinet nominees their social media posts would have to be approved by Trump’s transition thugs. Blotch-Nazi Steve Bannon caterwauled Telsa Czar Musk isn’t tough enough to endure a MAGAT civil war. The U.S. The Treasury was hacked by China. Techno-feudalism, which isn’t a music genre, killed capitalism. Cali Squirrels have acquired a taste for flesh.

Make popcorn to watch the MAGA circular firing squad. A person who is not white was tapped to be a White House Policy Advisor on AI and the Trumpkin racists are losing their tiny minds. Critics of Elon were stripped of their verification badges on the platform formerly known as Twitter. Faux-hawk load, Vivek Ramaswammy declared Americans mediocre. Tooty Rudy Giuliani begged a judge to not hit him with sanctions for failing to turn over property per the terms of the defamation case. Anonymous letters surely penned by bigoted loons urged residents to inform on undocumented people. Homelessness continued to rise in America. The Crabs reviewed the most Christian states in the Union. Neckless FOX-cog Sean Hannity is engaged to FOX and Friends host Ainsely Earhardt. The Vatican is going bankrupt, lol.

The Matt Gaetz report is out, so Trump will surely offer him another job. Surely in need of new Pampers, the President Elect wants to buy Greenland, take back the Panama Canal and occupy Canada. Surely unrelated to the whole canal thing, Shitler is being sued by Panama for tax evasion. Diaper Don reminded America the human impersonator known as Elon is not the president. A GOP congressperson was secretly admitted to a dementia facility. Lumpy brained Pillow Czar Mike Lindell hid financials behind an uncrackable password protected Quicken account. Alaska Repubs rejected a Trump plan to rename Denali. Self-proclaimed Nazi and North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson, AKA Tiny Soldier, logged into an online meeting using his Nude Africa username. In an effort to convince the anti-Globist mouth-breathers of our planet’s shape, thoughtless leaders of the flat Earth movement were flown to Antarctica. Speaking of flat, Lara Trump blathered she didn’t want to be the Crab’s Senator.

GOP controlled House defied President Musk and his puppet Trump. Shitler doesn’t like people thinking Elon is actually pulling the strings. Telsa twerk Elon Musk endorsed Germany’s far right Nazi-adjacent party. The vile GOP might be in trouble since they can’t see to get along. North Korean troops aren’t doing great for Russia. Trump is hawking Bibles even though he’s the President Elect. Hate caster Nick Fuentes was the target of an assassins wielding a crossbow. Some evangelical loser blathered the founding fathers didn’t want religious freedom. The Jesus-modeling scene is booming in Utah.

Unelected oligarch loon Elon Musk thinks he’s running the country. Anti-Semitic POS hate-caster Stew Peters was busted for DWI. Trump-owned SCOTUS agreed to rule on Tik-Tok. The House Ethics Committee did something surprisingly ethical by agreeing to release a report chronicling the sext trafficking of minors by Republican Matt Gaetz. Botox-face Gaetz threatened to retaliate by naming colleagues caught up in me-too scandals. Trumpkin and former baller Herschel Walker was nominated to the ambassadorship of the Bahamas. RFK Jr., Trump’s pick for HHS head, shot heroin. A major adult streaming service pulled it’s site from Florida. GOP dandy Glenn Beck blathered fiction about the founding fathers. Shitler’s BFF Victor Orban fixed his electoral map to remain in power. Conservatives showed fealty to President Musk and his wang-holster Vice President Trump by rejecting a bill to keep the government open.

America’s latest mass freak-out is flying in on drones and ninnies like Roseanne Barr screaming, “Project Blue Beam!” There was school shooting in America because our lawmakers value gun rights over kids. Don Jr. blathered niceties about his ex Kimberly Guilfoyle as she waddles off to Greece. The CEO of Canada, Justin Trudeau, could resign as his liberal government collapses. Shitler played dumb with the media about his auto-tuned demon daughter-in-law replacing Little Marco in the Senate. For reasons unknown, Trump tapped a Democratic lawmaker from Florida to lead FEMA. Trump’s AG nominee, Pam Bondi convinced Tooty Rudy Giuliani to join her in challenging the 2020 election results. There won’t be a Tik Tok ban probably. The Crabs mused over the entertainment line-up for the inaugural rave. Taylor Swift and Coldplay made the most touring in 2024.

Tech bros are stumbling over each other to kiss Trump’s fat rump. Herds of drones of unknown origins have been flying over the country. Turkey-tech-bod Elon Musk was the first supposed human to amass 400 billion in wealth. An ancient disease from 3800 BC has made a comeback and is attacking children. Shitler’s closest aides don’t know what Diaper Don is doing with the inaugural invite list. RFK, man-baby’s HHS nominee, will bring a dude to Health and Human Services who wants the polio vaccine revoked. Christian nationalist caterwauler, Joel Webbon said something racist about DOGE Czar Vivek Ramaswamy. Fascist broadcaster Stew Peters openly declared his support for all things Hitler by dropping the “14 words.” Former FoxBot and next level creeper Pete Hegseth is not loved by America and no one, besides the Trump-sucking GOP, wants him to Secretary of Defense. A replica of Noah’s Ark has been put up for auction and nobody wants it.

Guilfoyle gets shipped to Greece after breaking up with Don Jr. FBI Director Christopher Wray submitted to the Don and resigned betraying what he said so many years ago. Evil DINO loads Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema torpedo Biden’s labor nominee and smack Unions on their way out. Montana’s Supremes upheld gender affirming care. Passion Of the Christ director and anti-Semitic rage machine Mel Gibson blathered death threats during a speaking to a Q-adjacent group at Mara Lago. Speaking of anti-Semitism, cat-boy aficionado and fascist broadcaster Nick Fuentes bragged he would be his assault case where he kicked and pepper sprayed a woman in her fifties. The Pentagon said the Iranians weren’t behind the hordes of unidentified drones patrolling US skies.

A person of interest was arrested in insurance CEO murder case but don’t credit the piggies! Luigi was informed upon by a McDonald’s employee. The Butcher, AKA Assad, was ousted from Syria. Over the course of six minutes, Jordan Neely was slowly choked to death and his executioner was found not guilty by a jury. Yearly, on the December 5th, men dressed as wooly monsters beat women with bull horns on a German island in the North Sea. This violent holiday tradition has been happening since the 1830’s and finally the insane holiday is being reviewed. Reptile Kari Lake might get tapped for ambassadorship to Mexico by President Nazi Face. With much heroics, a Canadian saved his wife from a deadly polar bear attack. A tiger shark attacked a spear fisherman and the aqua assault was caught on video.