Hey! We're still here! The writer of the duo is unavailable, so this will be short, sweet, and much less witty. All the things in this one, communism, kid shows, Halloween, and tequila to fuel the tangents. 

Tess and Whit open season 2 with a tequila tasting! Okay, they meant to open it with a completely different episode but forgot to hit record. But because of their mistake, you get to start season 2 with tequila tasting, Jordan’s insight on chocolate, and Louisiana P.E. classes.

Have another listen, it was one of our favorites. A special Cinco de Mayo episode. Which basically means it’s part of a regular episode combined with slightly more emphasis on tacos and tequila and an unexpected history lesson about the significance of the Battle of Puebla. Also, both Whitney and Tess are once again the most annoying parts of their own weeks.

Tess and Whitney wrap their first bitching season by offering 100% amateur advice on how to be exempt from all the things. For a donation of $20, you can be exempt AND be blessed.

Tess and Whitney discuss their holiday pet peeves, which include PEOPLE — especially people who start buying Christmas decorations in July instead of celebrating freedom and embracing swamp-ass. Tess questions the motive behind a gift that is supposed to encourage positive thinking. Whitney wonders if the episode 18 title is accurate as she questions the overhead costs of sex work. The duo tease the 2022 announcement of a new way to be exempt from taxes.

Ways to piss off Tess and Whitney: Steal their flutes and steal their bags to pay for prostitutes. Please pardon the fatigue at the end of the episode — Tess is exhausted from working too much at a salary that doesn’t increase at the same rate of inflation, and Whitney has been losing sleep over the rise of Taco Bell bean burrito prices since the year 1999.

Okay that title was even painful for Whitney to read, and it was obviously her idea to spell it that way. Calm yourself and get the facts before you throw a bitch fit. Basically, remember the four commandments of Curated Bitching. Oh, and listen to Whitney struggle with verb choice while providing commentary on Tess’s tequila spillage fiasco.

You need to be more professional. And by “you,” we mean elected officials. And Squadcast, who needs to have an undo button and work well enough for amateurs to record a podcast. Speaking of unpaid and unsponsored, Tess and Whitney are willing to forego their Olympic eligibility and take on a sponsorship from Avión or Painted Donkey.

Originally called “Extra, extra! Bitch all about it!” But things derailed because Tess and Whitney had to catch up on two weeks of life. Karen the producer can kiss Whitney’s spray tanned ass. Tess complains about the price of coffee in Brazil in 1982. Whitney questions how many DFW baristas comprise a representative sample size.

Whitney and Tess get a stern producer who keeps them in line as they discuss the lengths to which women (e.g., Whitney and two of her other friends) go for dates, resulting in their second shortest episode so far. Chandler — if you’re reading this, Whitney wants you to know you’re totally worth the effort she puts into trying to look young and cute. Brief off-topic tangents include the conspiracy against Whitney’s spray tan, Tess’s disdain for the Big Easy’s olfactory attack of bodily fluids and pot, and Tess’s poor decision to eat a raw hamburger instead of tacos. 

Correction: Whitney is aware that she made a mistake in comparing Tess’s horrible junior prom experience to Chip Matthews leaving Rachel at the dance to go have sex with Amy (not Julie) Welsh. 

Disclaimer: We know nothing about acquiring/using cocaine or meth and strongly discourage you from using either of these substances, despite the drug references in episodes 13 and 14.