Lucky episode 13: Tequila Tangent Cuatreaux/Meth 101 

Welcome to Curated Bitching, where the points are made up at the last minute and the tequila tangent timer doesn’t matter. On this episode, Squiggy the tabby chimes in with her most annoying part of the week. Tess and Whitney each have THREE taco reviews to share, and Whitney ponders whether one can find meth recipes on Pinterest (update — one cannot find meth recipes on Pinterest, as an interventional message pops up faster than a COVID-19 information warning pops up on social media). Enjoy and be sure to rate and subscribe if you aren’t offended by Whitney’s third tangent.

Thick thighs save lives, but thin thighs are less likely to chafe when you run. 

Ditch the coverup (if you want) and enjoy the pool, love your body by feeding it good tequila, and work on yourself FOR yourself. And if you feel the need to voice your opinions on what other people weigh or wear, feel free to plant your critical thin lips on our big behinds. 

Also, Tess recounts her unfortunate decision to rock Adidas wind pants to Burger King, which inevitably tempted a fine young man who was unable to resist the temptation to catcall her. Whitney fills Tess in on the cringey women of Tinder who are brutal about men’s height. She also maxes out her credit card by panic-buying all the Target swimsuits for her first time meeting Chandler’s family (kidding, she’s more responsible than the government with her money).

Tess and Whitney tackle healthcare — and by “tackle,” we mean bitch about the dumpster fire we have experienced from both the patient’s and healthcare worker’s sides. Rants include questionable billing, the importance of treating of humans with dignity regardless of their scent, healthcare worker burnout, and the need to question being rewarded with fast food or alcohol in exchange for doing something for your “health.” As usual, there are taco reviews and tequila snobbery. Plus, Whitney adds three rules to rule #1, and Tess expresses her disdain for dangling body parts.

Tess and Whitney break down the Friends reunion and their top ten episodes. Tess takes the Karen crown from Whitney by shouting at rule-breaking teenagers as she is floating in the lazy river with her margarita. Zoey the Great Pyrenees and Squiggy the grey tabby make appearances. And as always, Tess and Whitney discuss tacos, tequila, and the fact that David the scientist was in Belarus and not Russia. 

And if you think you hear water dripping, just imagine it’s Joey’s water window thing and not a cat water fountain with a pineapple on top.

P.S., we know we messed up Kit Harrington’s name, so don’t come for us on that.

Because Tess was surprisingly unbothered by people this week, and Whitney was too overwhelmed to pick one topic. Mini-rants include sports, government bailouts for billionaires, and Whitney’s continued struggle to GO BACK TO THE NAME SHE WAS BORN WITH. But sure let’s give the government more control over our lives. Anyway. Listen to both Tess and Whitney struggle with the pronunciation of “Mark Ruffaleaux.” And cackling is replaced by Whitney trying to talk with a mouthful of chorizo queso. Oh, and please pray that Tess’s child doesn’t have the misfortune of inheriting her cilantro/soap gene like he has inherited her knack for getting hit in the head with the sports balls. 

A Friends-themed episode to celebrate the Friends reunion streaming this week! Previously mentioned pet peeves are elaborated upon with a Friends reference for each one. But Whitney is quickly distracted by a DM about a promising collaboration offer, which results in jokes about balls. Speaking of balls, Tess tests the strength of their 25-year friendship by saying that LSU football is not important and comparing Whitney to an Alabama fan. The less surprising parts of this synopsis — Whitney rants about geography and the government, Tess complains about bad drivers and tardiness, and someone was a Doordash Karen.  

Instead of continuing the Top Ten Lies of the Past Year, Whitney and Tess each have a bowl of surprise topics for the other.  The other has three minutes to rant about each topic. Tess denies her roots and goes on an elitist rant about spelling things with “eaux” while drinking her $150 añejeaux. Please get away from her with your trash blanceaux, thanks. Whitney cackles extra hard and gets excited about getting to EAUX all over the place with the return of college football while drinking canned lime juice. The episode ends with Whitney making Tess cry by confessing to crying and watching TikTok in bed. Just add The Killing Fields and some guacamole, and you’ve got yourself a party.

Tess wanted to do this topic for episode 1, but Whitney convinced her to wait a few weeks. Now that we have gotten a whole 46 listens on episode 1, it’s time for the biggie — Cancel Culture. But unclutch your pearls because it’s probably not what you think. Or it’s exactly what you think. It could go either way, much like most of your standards depending on who is in office.

Zoom etiquette/pet peeves, but the real stars of the episode are Whitney’s taco/Karen rant and Tess’s attic cat tangent. Also, this is a combination of two recording sessions, and we are aware of slight continuity errors. Please remember that we don’t like unsolicited advice, so if you are one of those people who love to point out continuity errors in TV shows, kindly mute yourself 🙃

A special Cinco de Mayo episode. Which basically means it’s part of a regular episode combined with slightly more emphasis on tacos and tequila and an unexpected history lesson about the significance of the Battle of Puebla. Also, both Whitney and Tess are once again the most annoying parts of their own weeks.