" Eh Mate, is it true Kemi Badenoch can flip burgers while standing on her head and singing Rule Britannia ? "

" No, it`s not true Mate. "

" And I heard she refused a place at Standfords cos she wanted to save Britain from Boku Hareem, or summat. Is that a pop group Mate ? "

I ``'M NIGEL FARAGE by Da

LITTLE ANGEL by Da

I' m dreaming of a radioactive Christmas,

like in a horror movieshow.

We won`t need no Christmas lights

or candles on the tree

when everybody starts to glow.

I' m dreaming of a nuclear winter,

with heaps of radioactive snow.

There' ll be carol singers

with toasted fingers,

and Santa, all crispy

like a turkey roast.

CHRISTMAS LOVE STORY by Da

CHRISTMAS EVE by Da

HOME ALONE AT CHRISTMAS by Da

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR by Da

I' m just a lonely Christmas guy,

I' m so lonely I could cry,

Santa Claus just walked on by,

I hung a a stocking by my bed,

Put my arms round Little Ted,

made a wish, lay down my head.

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy,

Santa Claus just walked on by,

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy.

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy,

I'm so lonely I could cry,

Santa Claus just walked on by.

No presents for you tonight,

lonely Christmas guy.

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy,

Santa Claus just walked on by,

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy.

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy,

I'm so lonely I could cry,

Santa Claus just walked on by.

I don`t see no guy in red !

Saw his footprints in the snow,

heard his merry ho ho ho,

where he went to, I don`t know.

Parked his sleigh at number 5,

he was in there half the night,

Santa Claus just walked on by.

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy,

Santa Claus just walked on by,

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy.

I`'m just a lonely Christmas guy,

I'm so lonely I could cry,

Santa Claus just walked on by.

I don`t see no guy in red !

You said you were an alien

from Alpha Centauri.

You said you were

a celebrity chef,

well, that`s quite a story.

Time to get real,

no more lies.

We sat in the bar.

you said you were

the King of Bohemia,

and I was your Princess.

Well Honey,

I don`t believe ya.

You showed me your selfie,

it really was wild.

You said you took it

on Planet Mars,

well, that`s Carlo`s Bodega

I recognise.

Time to get real,

no more lies.

You ain`t no chef

or Bohemian King,

and I ain`t no princess

or anything.

You ain`t no spaceman

from a distant star,

and Carlo`s Bodega

ain`t on Planet Mars.

Time to get real,

no more lies.

Time to get real,

don`t you realise.