Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

PRINCE a pile a tea!

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.