My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.
Sold his Soul for a Mustang.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet.

What's the opposite of chocolate? Choco-EARLY.

"I'm a prodigal son. The black sheep of a white flock."

What did the Jewish mother ask her daughter when the daughter told her she had an affair?

"Who catered it?"

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

How do you starve a black person?
Put their food stamp card under their workboots!

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.