Dating, Relationships, and Disability

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Today, we're taking a look at the skills that lead to meaningful connections in dating. While that’s obviously been the intention of dating as long as dating has been around, I definitely feel in the last few years with our post Covid world and so many people meeting online, that developing a meaningful connection with someone has become even more challenging.

We’re going to explore this through four key skills. However before we go there, I want to talk about skills as they relate to dating. Now obviously, I’m a big proponent of skills and our potential to always improve upon them. I think much of the reason why I’m so skill focused comes from being a mental health counselor and spending my career breaking down problems with people and helping them identify what tools, ie skills, are within them to solve the problems. I see dating as no different.

There are of course many skills when it comes to dating. You could easily overwhelm yourself with the number of skills to work on. In my membership that teaches dating skills and provides coaching, Dating Made Easier, I’m recommending that members pick just three skills to focus on for the year. This is so they can really hone in on them and see the progress they can make by gaining just a few skills. And as you know, when we become skilled in one area, it naturally begins to refine our skills in other areas.

For the purpose of our discussion today, let’s focus on these four skills - being friendly, giving genuine compliments, being helpful and supportive, and showing interest while listening effectively. These skills can be game-changers when it comes to building meaningful connections. I encourage you to pick two of the four to focus on over the next couple months and take note of the changes you see within yourself.

Being Friendly

How does this contribute to successful dating? Being friendly creates a warm and inviting atmosphere. It puts both individuals at ease, making the entire dating experience more enjoyable. People are naturally drawn to positive energy, so being friendly can open the door to deeper connections.

Being friendly involves cultivating a warm and approachable demeanor that fosters positive connections with others. Start by maintaining open body language, such as smiling, making eye contact, and offering a genuine handshake. Actively listen to others, showing interest in their thoughts and feelings. Use inclusive language, and be mindful of your tone to create a welcoming atmosphere. Small gestures like remembering names, expressing gratitude, and offering help when needed contribute to a friendly persona. Additionally, be supportive and encouraging, recognizing the value of diversity and treating everyone with respect. A friendly attitude not only brightens your interactions but also contributes to building strong and meaningful relationships. It's all about setting the right tone from the beginning.

Now, let's move on to our second skill. Giving Genuine Compliments Compliments can be tricky. How can giving genuine compliments impact the dating dynamic? Genuine compliments show that you're paying attention and appreciate the other person. They should be sincere and specific, focusing on qualities that genuinely impress you. It boosts confidence and fosters a positive connection.

Giving a sincere and thoughtful compliment involves expressing genuine appreciation for someone's qualities or actions. Start by being specific and identifying the particular aspect you admire, whether it's a person's skills, achievements, or personal attributes. Be genuine and avoid exaggeration, as authenticity is key to a meaningful compliment. Use positive language and a warm tone to convey your admiration, and consider the impact your words may have on the recipient. Timing is crucial; offer your compliment at an appropriate moment to ensure it is well-received. 

Being Helpful and Supportive

Being helpful and supportive might not be the first things that come to mind in dating. How do these play a role? Dating is about forming a partnership, and being there for each other is crucial. Offering help or support when needed shows that you're invested in the other person's well-being. It builds trust and strengthens the connection. In the realm of dating, being helpful and supportive involves fostering open communication, understanding, and empathy.

A supportive partner actively listens to their significant other's thoughts and feelings, creating a safe space for open dialogue. Offering encouragement and validation, especially during challenging times, helps build a foundation of trust. Being reliable and dependable demonstrates commitment, as does actively participating in shared interests and activities. Understanding and respecting boundaries is crucial, allowing each person to maintain their individuality within the relationship. A helpful and supportive partner seeks to celebrate successes, provide comfort during setbacks, and consistently demonstrate care and consideration. In essence, cultivating a relationship built on mutual support can contribute to a strong and enduring connection. It's a collaborative effort.

Showing Interest and Listening Effectively

Now I’m going to have a whole podcast on communication coming up because I’m going to be updating my communication guide. This one is often underestimated – showing genuine interest and listening effectively. Why is it so important? Effective communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. Showing interest and active listening demonstrate that you value the other person's thoughts and feelings. It creates a sense of connection and understanding. Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and this holds true in the realm of dating as well. Showing genuine interest and listening actively are crucial elements that contribute to building a strong connection between individuals. 

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

We're diving into the incredible world of resilience, and how living with a disability can actually be a superpower when it comes to dating and relationships.

So, you might be wondering, "How on earth can THIS be a superpower?" Well, let me tell you, it's all about resilience—the ability to bounce back, adapt, and thrive in the face of adversity.

Now, imagine this: you're navigating the world with a disability, facing unique obstacles every day. The resilience you've developed is like a secret weapon, and it can be a game-changer in the dating scene.

Let's break it down. First off, resilience teaches us empathy. When you've faced challenges, you develop a deep understanding of what it's like to struggle. And in a relationship, empathy is gold. It allows you to connect with your partner on a whole other level, creating a bond that goes beyond the surface.

Another aspect of resilience is adaptability. Living with a disability often means finding creative solutions to everyday problems. And guess what? That adaptability can make you an absolute rockstar in the dating world. You're not afraid to think outside the box, to find unique and personalized ways to make a connection.

Now, let's talk about that undeniable strength that comes from overcoming challenges. It's like having a well of inner power. And who wouldn't want a partner with that kind of strength by their side? Your resilience becomes a source of inspiration, showing that obstacles can be overcome and that you bring that strength into the relationship.

I know, I know. The dating scene can be tough for everyone, but when you've cultivated resilience through living with a disability, you've got an edge. It's not about what you can't do; it's about what you've overcome and what you bring to the table.

So, here's the takeaway: living with a disability doesn't hinder your ability to thrive in dating and relationships. In fact, it can be your superpower. Embrace your resilience, showcase your adaptability, and let that inner strength shine.

I hope you found inspiration in the power of resilience. Remember, your uniqueness is your strength. As always, thank you for tuning in. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with your friends. Until next time, stay resilient and keep spreading those positive vibes. 

Resources 

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

On today’s show we’re keeping it real and tackling the tough stuff with a side of humor. We're diving into a topic that many of us can relate to but might not talk about enough—dealing with mean comments about dating with a disability. Yep, we're going there!

Facing Mean Comments in the Dating World

So, picture this: You're out there in the dating world, swiping left and right, and then bam! You come across someone who thinks it's cool to drop a not-so-nice comment about your disability. Ouch, right? Well, fear not, my friends, because today we're talking about how to handle these moments like a pro. First things first, let's establish one thing—you are a total catch.

Brushing Off Negativity: A Key Skill

Your disability doesn't define you, but how you handle these situations sure can. So, step one: brush off the negativity. I get it, easier said than done. But seriously, those mean comments are not a reflection of your worth. Imagine them bouncing off you like water off a duck's back. Trust me, it takes practice, but it's a skill worth mastering.

Crafting Your Response: Choose Your Approach

Now, let's talk about responses. You have options, my friend. You could go with the classic eye-roll and move on. After all, who has time for negativity? Or, if you're feeling a bit spicy, a witty comeback might just do the trick. Remember, humor is a superpower.

Building a Support Squad

Next up, surround yourself with a support squad. You know, those friends who always have your back and can turn a frown into a smile. Share your experiences with them, and let them lift you up when you're feeling down.

The Power of Educating Others

And hey, don't forget the power of educating others. Sometimes people are just clueless, not necessarily mean. So, if you're up for it, take a moment to share some knowledge. It might just open their eyes and change their perspective.

Embracing Self-Love and Confidence

Lastly, let's talk about self-love. You are amazing just as you are, and anyone worth your time will see that. And those who don't? Well, they're missing out. Remember, love and respect yourself first, and the right person will follow suit.

Keep Shining

Thanks for tuning in. Until next time, keep shining, stay fabulous, and don't let those mean comments dim your sparkle.

Resources

Affirmations for Living Confidently with a Disability

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Grab your favorite beverage, get comfy, because today's topic is all about dating and why having a game plan for the new year can be a game-changer in your quest for meaningful connections.

So, let's dive right in. The new year is upon us, and with it comes the perfect opportunity for a fresh start, especially when it comes to our dating lives. Now, I get it, the whole resolution thing might seem a bit cliché, but think about it – why not use this time to set some intentions and make sure this year is different, especially if you're looking for love?

First things first, let's talk about why having a plan matters. Have you ever found yourself halfway through the year, wondering where the time went and why your dating life hasn't changed? Guilty as charged, right? Without a plan, it's easy to fall into the same patterns, meeting the same people, and expecting different results – the classic definition of insanity, if you ask me.

So, here's the deal – having a dating plan isn't about creating an exhaustive checklist or turning your love life into a military operation. It's about being intentional and proactive. Whether you're single and ready to mingle or already in the dating scene, having a plan can give you direction, purpose, and increase the chances of meeting someone who aligns with your values and goals.

Now, you might be wondering, "What does a dating plan even look like?" Well, it's simpler than you think. Start by reflecting on what you truly want in a relationship. What are your deal-breakers? What values are non-negotiable for you? Understanding your own needs and desires is the first step to finding someone who compliments you.

Next up, set realistic and achievable goals. Maybe it's committing to go on at least one date a month, joining a new social group, or even trying out a dating app you've been hesitant about. The key is to step outside your comfort zone a bit and open yourself up to new possibilities.

And hey, don't forget to sprinkle in some self-love and self-care. The more you invest in yourself, the more you'll have to offer someone else. So, whether it's hitting the gym, picking up a new hobby, or simply taking time for introspection, make sure to prioritize your own well-being.

Now, let's talk about the magical ingredient – patience. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is a meaningful relationship. Be patient with the process, enjoy the journey, and don't be discouraged by the occasional bumps in the road. Good things take time.

So, there you have it, lovely listeners – a simple yet powerful guide to kickstarting your dating game in the new year. Remember, having a plan doesn't mean you're rigid or inflexible; it means you're intentional about creating positive change in your life.

As we wrap up today's episode, I encourage you to take a moment, reflect on what you want, and start planning your own dating adventure for the coming year. Who knows? The love of your life might be just around the corner.

If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share with your friends. Happy dating, everyone!

Resources 

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

We're talking about dating and relationships, but with a special focus on why it's a quality of life issue for people with disabilities. Love and connection have a profound impact on our health, happiness, and attitude, and today, we're breaking it all down.

Now, let's kick things off with the big question: Why is dating and relationships so important for people with disabilities? Well, the answers are pretty common sense but I think there’s still some resistance from society to really understand that we have the same needs as so many others.

Connection is Key

First and foremost, let's talk about the power of connection. Regardless of ability, we all crave meaningful connections with others. Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, provide a support system that can be crucial for individuals with disabilities. Sharing your life with someone who understands and supports you can make all the difference.

Boost in Confidence

Another reason why dating is a quality of life issue for people with disabilities is the undeniable boost in confidence. Finding someone who sees beyond your physical limitations or health challenges and appreciates you for who you are can be a game-changer. It builds confidence, self-esteem, and a positive self-image, which radiates into all aspects of life.

Emotional Well Being 

Studies show that individuals in loving relationships, regardless of their abilities, tend to have lower levels of stress and anxiety. The emotional support provided by a partner can be a powerful buffer against life's challenges. Having someone to share your joys and sorrows with can significantly improve emotional well-being.

Physical Health Benefits

Now, here's a fascinating one – did you know that being in a loving relationship can actually have physical health benefits? It's true! Research suggests that people in happy relationships may experience lower blood pressure, reduced risk of heart disease, and even improved immune function. Love really is the best medicine.

Life Enrichment

Last but not least, let's talk about how dating and relationships can enrich our lives. Sharing experiences, creating memories, and building a life together brings a sense of fulfillment. It's not just about the day-to-day; it's about the long-term journey, and for individuals with disabilities, this journey can be incredibly rewarding.

So, there you have it  – dating and relationships are more than just matters of the heart; they're critical elements of a high-quality life, especially for those with disabilities. Connection, confidence, emotional well-being, physical health benefits, and life enrichment – these are the reasons why love truly makes the world go 'round.

That's a wrap for today's episode. If you enjoyed the show, make sure to subscribe and leave a review. And hey, if you have any thoughts on this topic or ideas for future episodes, shoot me a message on social media. Remember, love knows no bounds, and everyone deserves a shot at happiness. Until next time, take care and keep spreading the love.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

We have quite a few terrific curriculums out there teaching people with disabilities about sexuality and sexual rights. But as I always say, what about dating??

I know much of my podcast and resources are geared toward people with disabilities who want to date. However, I often work with professionals in disability services raising the issue of dating and providing training in how to effectively support people in developing dating skills and navigating relationships. I could tell you about my previous life working for disability organizations and encountering how dating was never addressed or strongly denied when it came up.

Instead, though, I have two stories that make poignant points about why dating skills and relationship development need desperately to be integrated into disability services.

Early in my career I received one of those famous 4pm on a Friday afternoon calls. I was a program coordinator at the time for a one to one service that got people out into the community.

Lisa, one of the staff I supervised, worked with Kelly, who was in her early 20s and lived with an intellectual disability. “Kelly’s telling me she has a boyfriend,” Lisa began. Normally this would be something to celebrate, but I could hear the concern in Lisa’s voice. “And that it’s her next door neighbor,” she continued. Kelly’s neighbor was about 20 years older than her, married, with kids. “She’s saying they’re having sex,” Lisa went on to say.

In the midst of investigating what was happening, interviewing Kelly several, and having her examined by a doctor, it was concluded that Kelly’s neighbor had befriended her, groomed her, and eventually lured her to his basement to have sex with her one weekend while his wife and kids were away for the weekend.

One of the sad pieces of this story is that Kelly truly believed this meant they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

However, the saddest part is that before this happened Kelly talked openly about wanting a boyfriend and she was ignored. People in her life thought she wasn’t capable of love and relationships simply because of her disability. Kelly watched her two sisters go out routinely with their boyfriends. She wanted that for herself, but her support system ignored those desires.

Not having guidance or skill development in dating and relationships, Kelly sought to figure it out for herself and find the love she longed for. Who could blame her? When the need for love and intimacy is so great, but we don’t have support in our search, we end up in unhealthy situations.

What if someone had responded to Kelly when she talked about wanting a boyfriend with a reflective question like, “What kind of person would you like to date?”

 Imagine how learning skills in dating would empower people in feeling worthy as relationship partners, have confidence to seek out relationships, and the skills to make the right ones last.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

In the complex world of dating, our judgments and attitudes can significantly impact the dynamics of our relationships. Whether it's societal expectations, personal biases, or the influence of stereotypes, understanding and managing these factors is key to building healthy connections. Dating is already a complex journey, but for those with disabilities, it often comes with an added layer of challenges. Today, we'll explore the importance of understanding and managing judgments and attitudes in the realm of dating.

So, let's begin with the impact of judgments. What exactly do we mean by judgments in the context of dating?

Judgments in dating can be defined as preconceived notions or opinions we form about others based on various factors such as appearance, background, or interests. These judgments can have a profound effect on relationships, influencing our decisions and interactions.

Consider societal expectations and stereotypes, for example. These can create unrealistic standards and expectations, leading to judgments that may not accurately reflect an individual's true character. It's crucial to recognize and navigate through these societal influences to foster genuine connections.

Now, let's move on to self-reflection. It's an integral part of understanding and managing our judgments and attitudes in dating.

Encouraging self-reflection involves taking a step back and examining our own beliefs and biases. It's about recognizing the lenses through which we view others and understanding how our past experiences may shape our judgments.

Being self-aware can have a transformative impact on our dating attitudes. By acknowledging our biases, we become better equipped to approach relationships with an open mind, fostering understanding and empathy.

These judgments can significantly impact relationships, influencing how individuals perceive themselves and others. The weight of societal expectations and stereotypes can create barriers and hinder the potential for genuine connections.

Self-reflection becomes a powerful tool. Encouraging individuals to look inward and recognize their own biases and judgments is a crucial step in fostering healthy dating attitudes.

Becoming self-aware allows individuals to better understand how their preconceived notions might be affecting their dating experiences. It empowers them to challenge and change these attitudes, fostering more inclusive and open-minded connections.

Let's explore the importance of breaking stereotypes in the realm of dating.

Another aspect of overcoming judgments in dating involves identifying and breaking down stereotypes. Whether it's assumptions about abilities or societal expectations, challenging these stereotypes is essential.

Promoting open-mindedness and acceptance creates a dating landscape that is more inclusive and welcoming to everyone, regardless of their abilities. It's about celebrating the diversity that each individual brings to a relationship.

Identifying and challenging stereotypes is essential for creating a more inclusive and accepting dating landscape. Stereotypes can limit our perspectives and hinder genuine connections. Embracing open-mindedness and celebrating diversity are powerful ways to break free from these constraints.

When we challenge stereotypes, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. It's about recognizing the uniqueness of each individual and appreciating the richness that diverse perspectives bring to relationships.

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

It's crucial when you are fostering a healthy sense of sexuality and relationships, that you reflect on where you're at by beginning to ask these questions:

When you think of being in a relationship, what do you envision?

How do you want the other person to treat you?

Why do want to be in relationship? What needs and desires are you hoping it will fulfill?

What are your fears about being in relationship? Do you think these hold you back from being open to relationships?

What does both sex and sexuality mean to you? You may need to explain how sex is an act and sexuality is a component of someone’s being.

What are your fears and concerns about sex?

What messages have you been given about sex and sexuality?

Healthy Sexuality guide

New Radiant Abilities website

Half off discount to Dating Made Easier

Half off discount to Supporting Dating and Relationships

Half off discount to Empowering Healthy Relationships Curriculum

Episode 89 - Developing a Healthy Sense of Sexuality

Episode 93 - Healing Body Shame

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

I have done several podcasts about the power of beliefs when it comes to dating. Actually when I think about the work I do in dating and relationships, it’s really all about mindset. Transforming my own beliefs from someone who people would reject in the dating scene to someone who knew the value of what I could offer to a relationship was the key for me in finding lasting love. I often think if I had been able to change my beliefs earlier, I would have saved myself years from self afflicted pain.

That’s why I despite how much pressure I get to offer a matchmaking service, I stay true to what I know is the more life changing effect I can offer people - to change your beliefs to create more of the life you want.

Today, I’m doing something a little different with your beliefs. I’m asking you to really get honest and look at what beliefs is that beautiful brain of yours using for excuses to not pursue dating. Now you may bristle at the word excuses, but at the end of the day, in order to succeed, we have to look at what we’re holding up as the reason we can’t accomplish what we desperately want for ourselves.

I’m going to go through the most commonly held beliefs that keep people from dating. As I do, I ask that you just be honest with yourself about whether it’s something you use as a reason to not pursue dating more. Then ask yourself, “Is this really helping me to create the life I want for myself?”

Fear of rejection: Many people fear being rejected by potential partners, which can lead to feelings of embarrassment, inadequacy, or emotional pain. This fear can be a significant barrier to dating.

Low self-esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem may not feel confident or worthy of dating. They may believe that they are not attractive or interesting enough to find a partner.

Past traumas: Previous negative dating experiences or past abusive relationships can create lasting emotional scars that make people hesitant to enter the dating scene again.

Commitment issues: Some individuals fear the responsibilities and commitments that come with dating, such as exclusivity, emotional investment, or long-term commitment. This fear can prevent them from pursuing relationships.

Career or personal goals: Some people prioritize their careers, education, or personal development over dating. They may believe that romantic relationships could be distracting or interfere with their goals.

Fear of vulnerability: Opening up emotionally and being vulnerable in a relationship can be intimidating for some individuals. They may worry about getting hurt or rejected when they share their feelings and thoughts.

Social anxiety: Social anxiety or shyness can make it challenging to meet and interact with potential partners. People with social anxiety may avoid dating situations due to the fear of social interactions.

Negative body image: Concerns about physical appearance can be a significant barrier to dating. People who feel uncomfortable with their bodies may believe that others won't find them attractive.

Trust issues: Past betrayals or experiences of deceit can lead to a lack of trust in potential partners. Some individuals may have difficulty trusting others, which can hinder their ability to date.

Fear of change: The prospect of entering a relationship and experiencing change in one's life can be unsettling for some individuals. They may prefer the comfort of their current lifestyle and resist dating for fear of disruptions.

Lack of time: Busy schedules and demanding work or personal commitments can leave little time for dating. Some people believe they don't have the time to invest in a relationship. Where Do We Go From Here?

Resources

Free download Mindset Beliefs

Psychology Today for mental health support

Episode 84 - Belief Audit

Episode 40 - What We Believe is What Others See

Episode 4  - Believing in Yourself, the Hardest Work

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate

Bear with me for a minute on this one so that I can properly explain this.

A Love for Grocery Shopping

Wanna know a weird fact about me? I LOVE grocery shopping! Yes, I know many people dread this unavoidable task. Not me, though! Being the foodie I am, it’s a weekly journey to Mecca for me.

Being Seen and Judged

It’s also a common place to see and be seen by many other people. When we are seen by others, it’s just human nature for others to define us. We all do it, don’t we? We see people and our minds form opinions based on looks, mannerisms, and actions. I wouldn’t say we do it all the time. Sometimes our minds are thankfully preoccupied with more important tasks.

The Impact of Differences

I would say, however, when there is an obvious difference in someone such as in weight, appearance, and ability, people more easily come up with definitions as a way of explaining what’s outside the “norm.”

Boy, he must be lazy to let himself get that overweight.

That woman must not have much to be dressed like that.

I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to get around in a wheelchair.

All of these thoughts that pop into our heads, sometimes with very little effort. We look at someone and BOOM, we have a definition of them, especially if they have a difference.

Personal Struggles with Judgement

I used to really struggle with this.

I’d be doing a mundane task such as grocery shopping and suddenly feel eyes on me. Sometimes there would be comments attached to the stares. They would go like this:

You do so well. I know this is intended to be a compliment, but to me, it’s a backhanded one as it follows the assumption that because of my disability, I’m not meant to be successful at things.

Do you need help? When I am just cruising along the produce and dairy sections, indicating no sign of having difficulty, just perhaps moving in a different way than others.

You are so courageous. No, just hungry, that’s why I’m at the grocery store.

Subtle Comments and Self-Definition

Now you may be saying, those comments don’t seem so bad. You’re right, they could definitely be much worse and more cruel. However, I use these benign statements to demonstrate how subtle comments have the power to define you.

Given the three examples above, the definitions I took on of myself as a young woman were incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable (which was covered with the word courage). I would come home from the grocery store carrying way more than the bags.

A Moment of Realization

It wasn’t until I was well into my 30s – and walking into the grocery store – one day when the light of wisdom (which can sometimes only come with age) hit me.

People are going to think whatever they want about me. I can’t control that. I can only stay true to who I know I am.

From that moment on, I became less aware of the stares. People say that I’m now oblivious to the stares. I also have fewer and fewer incidences of others making comments that indicate they see me very differently than I see myself. Funny how total strangers can pick up on our energy and respond differently to us.

Defining Yourself

The fundamental key to living happily and successfully with a disability is to learn how to define yourself and keep returning to that as you filter out the definitions of others.

Applying This to Dating

This can easily - and helpfully - apply to dating. Now let me say the obvious, going on a date or even being on a dating app is a thousand times more vulnerable than going to buy milk and bread. But you can channel the same energy of People are going to think whatever they want about me. I can’t control that. I can only stay true to who I know I am. while on dates.

The Power of Not Caring

Ask yourself, “What would it feel like if I didn’t care as much about what people were thinking of me and just stayed focused on what I knew to be true about me?”

Over time I turned this into what I coin as “Respectfully Not Giving a $#@&” about what people think of you. I do emphasize respectfully because more kindness is something I think the world always needs and we can disagree with someone but still be respectful of them as a human being.

Embracing Independence

Think about if you were to respectfully not give a $#@&, or as the great self-help leader Wayne Dyer said, What other people think of me is none of my business. One of the highest places you can get to is being independent of the good opinions of other people.

How would that cause you to feel differently and perhaps have you showing up differently on a date or talking to people in an app? Would you feel calmer, more self-assured? And consequently, would that then allow the dynamic parts of your personality to shine through even more?

A General Question

This is a good question in general, not just in dating: if you respectfully did not care about the opinions and judgments of others, how would you show up more? What risks would you be less afraid to take?

A Transformative Date

I refer to my first date with my husband a lot because it completely transformed who I was on the dating scene and I stepped into this version of myself that acknowledged my disability and expressed confidence that I had much to offer someone. There’s no mistaken that led to beginning my most significant relationship as an adult.

Reflecting on Common Knowledge

You know how I like to poke fun at these online articles which present like they’re sharing new information about what we have lived with for years. In this article, The Challenges of Dating With a Disability, a medical student is quoted, also summarizing this approach of not caring what people think.

From the article, The Challenges of Dating with a Disability, "I just didn’t concern myself with the thought that it may have been my disability, or my personality was the reason for not getting a date," she said. 

Where Do We Go From Here? 

Resources 

Episode 1 - I'm Just So Uncomfortable

Episode 10 - How to Cultivate the Power to Attract

Episode 28 - Attract, Don't Chase

Who Defines You...at the Grocery Store (blog)

Check out our Dating Memberships:

Dating Made Easier (for all people wanting to date) - is a monthly membership for anyone (with or without disabilities) who wants support and guidance in dating skills and getting the RESULTS you want in dating and relationships. Click here to learn more.

Supporting Dating and Relationships membership (for special educators and professionals in disability services) - is for professionals in the disability field who are looking for training and resources to effectively help students/people with disabilities in developing dating and relationship skills. Click here to learn more.

Music by Successful Motivation

Artwork photo by Elevate