The Alchemist subclass has leveled up its potion game, proving you can now brew life-saving elixirs faster than most of us can make a cup of coffee. Meanwhile, the Armorer subclass is out here making Dreadnought armor that essentially says, "I’m big, I’m bad, and I take up two squares now." The Artillerist got an upgrade, so you can still blow stuff up while debating whether guns belong in your magical fantasy world. Spoiler: Someone’s Homunculus Roomba is going to have to clean up the mess.

Tune in for the laughs, stay for the puns, and remember: one day, Vicious Mockery might become a bonus action, and then no adventurer’s ego will be safe.

Links

• Eberron: Rising from the Last War (affiliate link)
• Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything (affiliate link)
• Unearthed Arcana: Revised Artificer
• Melancon: A Grimoire Tale (affiliate link)
• https://www.somanyrobots.com/s/Spellbound-Sea-Sample.pdf

Summary and Takeaways

In this hilarious deep-dive into Dungeons & Dragons' Unearthed Arcana, the hosts embark on a chaotic yet insightful exploration of all things Artificer. The episode begins with a lively discussion of the revamped Alchemist subclass, where the once-mediocre healer is now brewing elixirs that can practically bring characters back from the brink of death—or at least keep them upright long enough to face their next poor life choice. Potions are now crafted faster than ever, which might explain why Alchemists seem perpetually caffeinated.

Shifting gears, the hosts don their metaphorical armor (and probably some literal helmets) to dissect the updated Armorer subclass. With options like Dreadnought armor, which makes you bigger and scarier in combat, and Perfected Armor, which adds a splash of damage and utility, there’s something for everyone—unless you liked the old customization options, in which case, condolences. The new armor replication system is simpler, but as one host laments, "simplicity is the enemy of shiny customization." 

Things take a turn for the absurd as the conversation veers into gameplay mechanics. Pulling and pushing creatures might sound straightforward, but apparently, it's a one-way ticket to rules-lawyering chaos. Grappling, once a staple of wrestling matches gone awry, now feels about as effective as trying to hug a gelatinous cube. And then there’s the unforgettable mention of "character brain extraction," which the hosts agree is equal parts horrifying and comedy gold, depending on which side of the dice you're on.

Next, the spotlight shines on the Artillerist subclass, which has undergone upgrades that make it deadlier—and debatably more explosive—than ever. This sparks a lively debate about the coexistence of magic and technology in fantasy worlds, with one host arguing for the poetic elegance of wands and the other championing the raw, chaotic energy of boomsticks. Meanwhile, Battlesmith fans will be pleased to know the Steel Defender is now more useful, although one host quips, "It still won't do your taxes."

The humor continues with a look at the Homunculus spell, a new addition to the Artificer arsenal that lets players conjure a small, slightly unsettling creature to assist in adventures. One host imagines it as "a glorified Roomba with attitude," while the other is already brainstorming scenarios where the Homunculus saves the day—or ruins it spectacularly. 

The episode rounds off with a mailbag segment tackling the question: which cantrips should become bonus actions? This sparks a flurry of debate, with one host suggesting Firebolt could add some sizzle to multi-action rounds and the other lamenting that bonus-action Vicious Mockery would lead to endless pun wars at the table. 

Throughout the episode, the hosts share their hopes, dreams, and mixed feelings about the future of D&D. They long for innovative subclasses, yearn for a return to the rich settings of Eberron, and urge designers to embrace the weird, wonderful flavor that makes the game magical. All this is delivered with a heaping dose of humor, proving once again that no matter how complex the rules or contentious the changes, the real joy of D&D is in laughing through it all with friends.

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