Dead Jester Productions Podcast

Realizing it was getting late, the heroes turned in for the night. They thanked the innkeeper for the food and drinks, and made their way to their rooms. As they did, the Warrior hero noticed one of his injuries from the battle with the beholder had reopened. The Swordsman hero sat down with him and checked on it.

Upon inspection, the wound had become infected. Not only that, but it looked as though the wound caused by the beholder had actually injected the hero with a particularly nasty poison. It would have to be looked at by the healer, and so the two of them got up and headed over.

Knocking on the door, the heroes heard a rumbling from inside that they could only determine to be the healer falling out of bed with a surprise. Her stumbling footsteps approached from inside the door, and soon it opened. She groggily stared out at the heroes, unamused at their late surprise visit.

The Warrior hero showed her his wound, and she ushered them in. The rescued woman lay asleep on a spare cot in the corner, unbothered by the intrusion. The Warrior hero sat down in a chair and the healer looked at his injury more closely. She solemnly looked back at the heroes and informed him that the injury was worse than they had thought. It would require a great deal of treatment, and he would be unable to adventure any further for the time being.

The heroes were greatly saddened by this, as their journey had started off together. The Swordsman hero reassured his friend that everything would be okay, and he would continue the mission. The Warrior hero was begrudgingly content with this, and said his goodbye. The two of them talked briefly, discussing things such as crappy jobs, Halo Infinite's lackluster offerings, and obnoxious superhero movie fandoms.

The heroes made their way back to the inn. They hadn't realized how long they had been at the healer's hut, and it had already become dark. The innkeeper happily greeted them as they entered, and gave them each their fill of a delicious meal. They sat at the table and began to plan out their journey ahead.

They would first seek out a reward for the slaying of the ancient beholder. Its rotted remains had long since begun to stink up their baggage. They would be happy to be rid of it. After doing so, they would look for clues as to where the party of adventurers might be. They wanted to seek them and out and help deliver the woman to them.

While discussing their plans, it occurred to them that they had long since forgotten about their original task which was to find a missing farmer girl. They could return to the issuer of the task, but it was a distant trek in the opposite direction. They figured it would be best if they just allowed their employer to assume they were dead. While continuing their conversation, they talked about the worst sports injuries they had seen, their favorite old school games, and crappy superheroes.

Thanks to Kloss for stopping by for the 7th time!

The heroes waited around the healer's hut for the recovered woman to wake up. Eventually, they heard the groggy groans of her stirring awake. She slowly sat up in the bed, rubbing her eyes as she got her bearings. She looked around at the heroes, and then to the healer.

Her puzzled expression made the heroes wonder if she had any idea who they were. The healer went to her side, and explained that they had rescued her. She turned back to the heroes and thanked them, taking a particular interest in the Jester. She explained that her recovery was complete, though it seemed impossible given the time frame and severity of her injuries. Sure enough however, she stood up and lifted her shirt up. Taking off her bandages, she revealed that her cuts had disappeared leaving not even a trace of the wounds that had occurred.

The heroes were amazed at her healing ability, wondering how they could acquire such a thing for themselves. Seeing this, the Jester motioned and then proceeded to draw a knife across his own throat. The heroes lurched backward, caught off guard by this turn of events. Within a moment, the Jester's throat healed into a wisp of smoke as the wound disappeared. The heroes weren't sure what to make of this, and instead turned their attention back to the woman.

She explained to them that she was also looking for the band of adventurers, although she had things to take care of along the way. The heroes offered to let her travel with them, and she begrudgingly accepted. They told her to seek them out at the inn when she was ready to leave, and then turned to leave. The healer stopped them on their way out, asking them to keep a close eye on the woman. They reassured her they would, and then returned to the inn. Along the way they talked about some AI issues with the Wheel of Fortune video game, their new favorite games, and one hero's racist grandmother.

After hearing the tales of the band of adventurers, our heroes sat quietly to themselves. They felt envious of the praise being showered upon the adventurers, while being imprisoned after their own. It didn't seem fair, but they couldn't dwell on it for too long. They pulled themselves together and continued the conversation.

The old woman told the heroes that they should seek out the band of adventurers, as they may know who the recovered woman was. The heroes were perplexed, as they figured they would simply return to their employer for their reward. The healer advised against this. She informed them that the injured woman seemed mysterious, and there was likely more to her story than they had been lead to believe.

The heroes talked amongst themselves, having never considered this information. They talked about what they could do, and worked to come up with an answer. They also talked about two new games: Tiny Tina's Wonderlands & MLB The Show 22, as well as a strange man telling prison stories.

The heroes finish telling their tale to the healer, and lean back in their seats. They glance over to the recovered woman to see she has fallen asleep, apparently completely disinterested in their story. The healer tells them to let her rest, and when she wakes up they can talk to her. They feel as if their encounter with the girl was being dragged on longer than necessary, but adventures aren't always as exciting as you want them to be.

They help get her into her bed, and sit back down at the table. The healer mentions to them that she heard a rumor of a band of adventurers that had been slaying beasts and saving villages. The heroes respond by saying that they were the adventurers she had heard of, but were quickly disappointed when she declined the thought. The adventurers she spoke of were much more varied, and didn't include a creepy Jester. The heroes were curious of these adventurers, and asked the healer to tell them what she had heard.

She recounted the tales, and the heroes listened intently. She told them of where the group had been seen, and the amazing feats they had performed. The heroes tried to talk about their amazing stories some more, but were quickly hushed. They resorted to talking amongst themselves while the healer daydreamed about meeting the adventurers. They talked about D. B. Cooper, Their coolest toys growing up, and answered some audience questions.

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Waking up in their rooms, the heroes groggily get to their feet and head outside. They notice the old lord's body had been removed, while the bloody smear and footprints remained. They left the center of the village and headed to the healer's hut.

Upon approaching the hut, the heroes could hear shouting coming from inside. They hurriedly ran in the door, to find the old healer and the young woman sitting at a table drunkenly arguing. Apparently the healing had worked, and the woman was well enough to put back a few.

She sat at the table, multiple empty flagons sitting in front of her. The healer sat opposite her, with nearly as many empty flagons in front of her. They seemed to be bickering about which one of them could make the better brew. Their speech was slurred, and their arguments didn't seem to make sense.

The heroes approached the table, causing the woman to turn around to face them. Her wounds seemed nearly healed, which was owed to the miracle of the healer's talents. Her face was no longer covered in wounds and grime, revealing a beauty that would surely attract the attention of the villagers. Life had returned to her, and she was no longer pale. Her body had regained some of its muscle mass, and she looked ready to fight.

Before the heroes could say anything to her, another individual burst through the door behind them. It was a young man carrying a basket full of all sorts of supplies. Fruits and vegetables were piled atop an array of herbs. He sat the basket down and greeted the healer. He turned his attention to the heroes and the woman. He said his hellos, and then sat down in a spare chair.

The healer beckoned the heroes to sit down, and asked them where they had been. They began to explain, and talked about everything that had happened. They also talked about working with entertainment partners, Elden Ring, and getting back into streaming.

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The heroes watched as the villagers began to disperse; the body of the former lord laying as a crumpled mess in the center of the mass of people. He had been beaten to a bloody pulp, with blood pooling up all over. Bloody footprints trailed away in all directions, with the villagers having taken out all of their aggressions onto the villainous old man.

The heroes approached the body, unsure of what would remain. His face had been crushed in, rendering him unrecognizable. His arms and legs were flattened, reduced to mangled messes of bones and meat. He had been beaten with clubs, and stabbed with all manner of tools. Pieces of flesh and clothing were thrown around together, and could hardly be told apart.

This was the justice handed down by the villagers, as violent and grotesque as it was. Onlookers could call it an act of madness, though what could be more sane than wanting revenge for the cruelty and torture endure by their families? The heroes were in no place to decide this, and so they left the body where it lay. Someone would come along and clean it up later.

They made their way to the village in; they would check on the injured woman the next day. As they entered, they saw the guards sitting at a table in the corner, quietly relaxing amongst themselves. The heroes went up to their previous rooms, and sat down to rest. They talked about what had occurred, as well as Elden Ring, athletes dominating in sports, and the latest from Ukraine (as of March 13th, 2022).

The heroes arrive back at the village with the few guards and lord in tow. His feet were bloodied and torn to shreds, leaving him barely able to stand. The guards dragged him off to the village center. He would receive judgement immediately.

The villagers watched as the hated lord was brought before them. They had never seen him look so weak and frail before, only having heard stories of the powerful lord that lives in the nearby keep. Seeing him in his current state, the locals realized they had been tricked and abused by a pathetic old man still clinging to power.

Upon reaching the village center, the guards pushed him to his knees. He let out a quiet cry, and fell down. The villagers formed a circle around him, silently watching the events unfold. The guard captain stepped forward and announced that the former lord would be punished for his crimes, though no trial would be necessary. He peered out around at the crowd, waiting for an outburst. Upon receiving none, he continued to explain that the villagers would decide what to do with the shriveling old man. He looked around again, and then ushered for his compatriots to follow him to the village inn.

The former lord lifted his head slowly, looking up at the angry villagers surrounding him. They appeared confused, like animals unsure of what to do with their captured prey. They had often talked about what they would do to the lord if they could, but never expected the opportunity to fall into their laps. The lord slowly attempted to rise to his feet.

Before he could finish standing, a half-eaten loaf of bread struck him in the back of the head, knocking him back down to his knees. The bread thrown from the crowd was the catalyst they needed to unleash their fury. As a swarm, they flooded over the lord and attacked him mercilessly. Their bodies colliding as they fought amongst themselves to each get their own piece of the revenge.

The heroes stood off to the side as the village's justice was dealt out. They talked amongst themselves as they watched. They discussed the current horrific war in Ukraine, the amazing game Elden Ring, and how COD was delayed for next year.

After resting, the heroes packed their things up, as well as their newly found treasures. The warrior hero called over one of the guards, who assisted him in loading up his pack. After checking everything was in order, they set out to return to the village to check on the injured woman.

The guards thanked them as they left, presumably grateful to be free of their lords control. Two guards went with them, dragging the decrepit old lord behind them. He stumbled along, practically being dragged. His jewelry had been stripped from him, and he was given some old sandals that had been worn to nothing. His feet would be bloodied and torn apart by the time they reached the village.

The heroes took no joy in this, but also felt no compassion for the man. They simply reveled in their new prizes, and continued on. They walked along, and talked as they did. One of the guards walked up quickly behind them to join in. They discussed the misery of video game development cycles, their favorite sports games, and Dying Light 2.

With the guards taken care of, the heroes returned their attention to the incredibly displeased lord sitting in front of them. His thin, aged fingers clenched into what could barely be described as a fist. His few teeth formed what the heroes assumed was a snarl. They sat down at the table to begin negotiations.

First, they assumed control of the lord's hold. They planned on giving it to the people of the nearby village, but didn't bother telling him that. Second, they claimed all of the holds treasures, although it wouldn't amount to much. Finally, they demanded information about how they could get a reward for slaying the beholder. The lord gave them a signed notice proclaiming their success, and told them of a nearby baron that would pay them.

They then instructed the guards to take him to the village to receive punishment. The lord never even said a word, accepting his punishment. He knew arguing would get him nowhere, and so he put his faith that he would be able to worm his way out of the grasp of the guards.

Once things were settled, the heroes found a clean area of the keep to settle in for the night. They sat down and talked about their experience. They also discussed creepy neckbeards, the new Pokémon Legends: Arceus game, and the Super Bowl.